1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,394 ♪ Men.♪ 2 00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,136 Are you eating cookie dough? 3 00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:07,877 Yup. It's my favorite recipe. 4 00:00:07,964 --> 00:00:11,185 All you need is cookie dough and weed. 5 00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:13,056 So the only thing you have to bake is yourself. 6 00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,537 It's very efficient. 7 00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:17,887 It causes the munchies and then immediately cures them. 8 00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:20,716 [computer chimes]Hey. 9 00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:22,326 What do you know? They found my car. 10 00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:23,893 You lost your car? 11 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:24,937 What the hell's your cookie dough laced with? 12 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,896 No, I found this company 13 00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,899 and they help you locate old vehicles. 14 00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:33,294 It's called Dude, Where's My Car? 15 00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,209 So what's so great about this thing? 16 00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,950 I don't know. It's my first car. I got a lot of firsts in it. 17 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,778 First time I learned to drive. 18 00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:42,303 First time I had sex. 19 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:44,305 First time I had a condom break. 20 00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:46,655 First time I prayed. 21 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,352 So you gonna buy this car? 22 00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:51,094 No. Some guy named Dirk in Denver has it. 23 00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,270 So why go through all the effort 24 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:54,097 of tracking it down if you don't want it? 25 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,360 Nostalgia? 26 00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,232 It's kind of like... 27 00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,668 looking up your first girlfriend, 28 00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:01,148 or your high school math teacher. 29 00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:05,065 For me, those were one and the same. 30 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,850 She still writes me from prison. 31 00:01:07,937 --> 00:01:11,549 I think my math teacher had a crush on my me, too. 32 00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:14,117 I mean, why else would he ask me to take a shower 33 00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:16,728 after math team practice? 34 00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:18,817 Oh, oh, good, everybody's here. 35 00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:22,256 Uh, I would now like to introduce my girlfriend, 36 00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,258 the very fetchin' Gretchen. 37 00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,346 Hey, everybody. 38 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,869 Hi, I'm Walden. It's nice 39 00:01:26,956 --> 00:01:28,044 to finally meet you.Yeah. 40 00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,437 Alan, uh, told me that you work 41 00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:32,527 in an animal shelter taking in strays. 42 00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,398 So we have a lot in common. 43 00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:36,096 Yeah. 44 00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,793 Uh, this is my-my niece Jenny. 45 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:38,794 Hi. Hi. 46 00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:40,187 And we met. 47 00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,536 I'm Barry, Walden's youthful ward. 48 00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:42,667 It's really nice to meet all of you. 49 00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:44,147 God, this place is amazing. 50 00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:45,801 How do you afford the rent, Alan? 51 00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,019 [laughs] 52 00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,979 What's so funny? 53 00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:52,416 Well, I-I don't pay rent, per se. 54 00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:53,722 Or per month. 55 00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,246 Or per year. 56 00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,596 Really? No rent? 57 00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,163 How long has that been going on? 58 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,991 Three years with Walden, eight years with my dad. 59 00:02:02,078 --> 00:02:05,777 You have been living here for 11 years for free? 60 00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,127 Yeah. 61 00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,345 I have never wanted you more. 62 00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,520 [chuckles] 63 00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:11,218 Who's my cheap daddy? 64 00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,307 Would you like to see the bedroom I don't pay for? 65 00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,135 Would you like to see my boobs I bought with a Groupon? 66 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,750 Will you let me get my grope on? 67 00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:24,796 Nice to meet you, Gretchen. Make yourself at home. 68 00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:26,711 I've got to stop saying that. 69 00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,583 So, what do you say we hop on your plane, 70 00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:31,412 head over to Denver and at least look at this car? 71 00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:32,717 You know you want to. 72 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,850 You guys just want to go to Colorado 73 00:02:34,937 --> 00:02:36,025 'cause pot is legal there. 74 00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,419 What? It's-It's legal? 75 00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:40,247 They legalized marijuana in Colorado? 76 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:43,337 You say up to three ounces? 77 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:46,166 Look, we're not going to Denver to look at a car 78 00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:47,950 and bring home three ounces of pot. 79 00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,734 Yeah, but if we go with you, 80 00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,910 we can bring back nine ounces. 81 00:02:51,997 --> 00:02:54,174 Fire up the jet. 82 00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:57,786 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 83 00:02:57,873 --> 00:03:00,832 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 84 00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:06,316 ♪ Men.♪ 85 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:11,452 Well, guess who just joined the Mile High Club. 86 00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:15,064 No, it doesn't count when you do it alone. 87 00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:18,328 Oh, it counted... twice. 88 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,503 Up top. 89 00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:20,678 No! 90 00:03:20,765 --> 00:03:21,897 Not gonna happen. 91 00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:24,943 This is crazy. 92 00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,294 There's no way my old car is worth the cost 93 00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,122 of flying all the way to Denver and putting in a new bathroom. 94 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:33,691 We can't turn back now. 95 00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:34,692 I canceled an audition for this trip. 96 00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,738 You're kidding, right? 97 00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:39,697 The part was Dead Junkie Number Two. 98 00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:43,875 Although, I did buy painkillers to get into character. 99 00:03:43,962 --> 00:03:46,487 It doesn't matter what the role is. 100 00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:48,793 This job leads to the next, 101 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,492 and you're playing Dead Junkie Number One. 102 00:03:51,579 --> 00:03:53,450 And before you know it, you're playing a live junkie! 103 00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:56,018 And then what? 104 00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:57,585 Win a bunch of Oscars, 105 00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,196 get rich, fly around on a private plane? 106 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,416 Oh, look, I skipped to the end! 107 00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,548 So what kind of car are we going to look at? 108 00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:06,637 You can thank me later for changing the subject. 109 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:10,032 It's a 1967 Mustang 110 00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,687 with a 289 V-8, a Holley four-barrel carb 111 00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:13,775 and Positraction. 112 00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:14,993 [whistles] 113 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,778 What does that mean? 114 00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:19,694 I have no idea. My dad used to say it all the time 115 00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,565 when we were working on the car. 116 00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,698 I like to think that it 117 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,266 was one of his ways of saying, "I love you." 118 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,006 Another was, "Why is Daddy's beer empty?" 119 00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,573 I totally get it. 120 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,619 My dad's coded "I love you" was, "Seriously? 121 00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,708 You can't catch a football one damn time?" 122 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:36,798 [chuckles] 123 00:04:36,885 --> 00:04:39,235 So you worked on this with your dad. 124 00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,715 Apparently, there's an emotional connection with this car. 125 00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,978 It's a mixed emotion. 126 00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:45,807 It took us two years to restore it. 127 00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,635 When it was finished, it was cherry. 128 00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:50,942 Of course, Cherry was also the name of the stripper 129 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,684 that he drove off with when he left me and my mom. 130 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,512 Wait-- so why would you want to buy something 131 00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,079 that caused you so much pain? 132 00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,863 I mean, that'd be like me buying the senior prom. 133 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:03,259 It was on my 16th birthday. 134 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:06,393 I go outside the house... and there's that car 135 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,003 sitting in the driveway. 136 00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:09,483 No sign of my dad, though. 137 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,311 It was still the best birthday ever. 138 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,574 Well, until my mom took a baseball bat to the windshield. 139 00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:16,533 You know what my dad got me for my 16th birthday? 140 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:17,969 A box of condoms and a card that said, 141 00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,320 "Don't make the same mistake I did." 142 00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:22,887 He was a joker. 143 00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:25,673 How about you, Jenny? 144 00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:30,242 Oh, she would've nailed Dead Junkie Number Two! 145 00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:32,723 ♪ Men.♪ 146 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:35,509 Oh! What a great idea: 147 00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,032 having sex in every room in the house. 148 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:40,340 Well, to be fair, the laundry room was more you 149 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:42,516 sitting on the dryer while I took a breather. 150 00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:44,082 Yeah. Next time, I think 151 00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:45,736 I'm gonna throw in a pair of snow boots. 152 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:48,565 You know, boom-boom-boom- boom-boom! Yeah. 153 00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:51,612 One of the advantages of being here alone. 154 00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,397 Kind of makes a man want to buy a place of his own. 155 00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:56,573 [both laugh] 156 00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,881 Nah, I'm gonna die here, I really am. 157 00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,449 So, uh, what do you want to do tonight? 158 00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,364 You know, besides this guy. 159 00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,931 I would love to spend the night doing this guy, 160 00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,846 but we promised Lyndsey and Larry we'd meet 'em. 161 00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:09,847 Remember, karaoke? 162 00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:10,979 Oh, that's right. 163 00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,807 Oh, hey, hey, maybe we can use 164 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,156 my Halloween costumes from last year. 165 00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,984 You know, Donny and Marie? 166 00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,725 Although I'm not sure you'd fit into Walden's Donny outfit. 167 00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:23,687 You know, I was thinking tonight would be a great time 168 00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,646 to tell Larry that you're not Jeff Strongman, 169 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,169 that you're really Alan Harper. 170 00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,127 Oh, that's funny because I was thinking 171 00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:32,609 tonight might be a great night to not ruin four people's lives. 172 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:33,958 He's my brother, Alan. 173 00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,612 I can't just keep lying to him. 174 00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:37,745 I lied to my brother all the time. It worked out great. 175 00:06:37,832 --> 00:06:39,529 Your brother's dead. 176 00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:42,053 I didn't say it worked out great for everybody. 177 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,665 ♪ Men.♪ 178 00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:45,796 [plays discordant chord] 179 00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:46,884 Hey! 180 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,583 Are you Dirk? 181 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:50,671 Are you a cop? 182 00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,890 No. Then I'm Dirk. 183 00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:54,849 I'm Walden Schmidt. I called about the car. 184 00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,155 Actually, on the phone, you asked if I was a cop. 185 00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,983 And then you asked me if I wanted to buy any weed. 186 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:02,291 Yeah, that's the right order to ask those questions. 187 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,771 I learned that the hard way. 188 00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,034 These your kids? 189 00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,557 [snickers] 190 00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,429 No. 191 00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:10,604 Are they mine? 192 00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:13,868 Hey, uh, is this the car? 193 00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,696 Yeah, let me take her top off for you. 194 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:19,221 You're about to see one hot car. 195 00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,269 Where, behind this piece of crap? 196 00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:26,794 She's not that pretty, but she gets the job done. 197 00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,970 Just like my old lady. 198 00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,841 Hey, that's not bad. 199 00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:33,191 ♪ She's not that pretty, but she gets the job done ♪ 200 00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:37,065 ♪ I'd like to escape, but I'm too old to run! ♪ 201 00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:38,806 Yeah, that's a hit! 202 00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,504 So is this your car? 203 00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,288 Yeah. 204 00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,682 It's still got the Vote For Bush bumper sticker on it. 205 00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,379 You were a Republican? 206 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,859 No, my friends and I just thought it was funny. 207 00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:51,688 You know, "Bush"? 208 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:55,518 Tell you what, I love Bush. 209 00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:57,259 You and me both. 210 00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:00,915 She's got a lot of wear and tear on her. 211 00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,090 Not much to look at. 212 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:04,571 Looks like it was rear-ended. 213 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,355 Just like my old lady. 214 00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,706 But she's got new headlights and a roomy backseat. 215 00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,926 Just like your old lady? 216 00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:15,712 Hey! That's the mother of three of my five kids! 217 00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:19,150 Anyway, this bad boy can still get up to a buck ten. 218 00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:22,197 Yeah, maybe if the truck towing it was going 110. 219 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,547 You don't believe me, I refer you 220 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,941 to World's Wildest Police Chases,episode 139. 221 00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:29,944 Whoa, what died in here? 222 00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,773 My granddad. 223 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,383 The seat belt got jammed, we had to 224 00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:36,037 leave him in there for a couple of days. 225 00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,867 Okay, well, hey, thank you for showing us the car. 226 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,913 Whoa, hang on, hang on. 227 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,219 How much do you want for it? 228 00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:45,002 Uh, uh, uh, what are you doing? 229 00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:48,702 I'll take $1,800 unless you can 230 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:49,746 come up with some kind of other arrangement. 231 00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,748 Ew! 232 00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,576 How about you? 233 00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,405 No! 234 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,886 $1,800 it is, then. 235 00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:02,106 I'm not... I'm not buying this car. 236 00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,369 Walden, this car is a piece of your life. 237 00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,283 It doesn't mean anything to anybody else 238 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,068 in the world except you. 239 00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,463 All right, I'll give you $1,800. 240 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,944 Dude, you didn't haggle. It's no good unless you haggle. 241 00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:18,296 Okay, uh, fine. $1,600. 242 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:19,341 $1,700. 243 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,299 Deal. $1,700. 244 00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,084 Yeah! 245 00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,174 I was just gonna give you $1,800. 246 00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,002 That's the thing about haggling, dude. 247 00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:32,093 Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. 248 00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,269 We definitely have to get some of this guy's weed. 249 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:36,140 ♪ Men.♪ 250 00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:41,145 ♪ Hey, will you love me forever? ♪ 251 00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:43,713 ♪ Let me sleep on it ♪ 252 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,845 ♪ Will you love me forever? ♪ 253 00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,411 ♪ Let me sleep on it ♪ 254 00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:48,109 ♪ Will you love me forever? ♪ 255 00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:49,676 ♪ I couldn't take it any longer ♪ 256 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,503 ♪ Lord, I was crazed ♪ 257 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,680 ♪ And then the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave ♪ 258 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,117 ♪ I started swearing to my God on my mother's grave ♪ 259 00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,032 ♪ That I would love you till the end of time ♪ 260 00:09:58,119 --> 00:10:00,948 ♪ I swore I'd love you till the end of time! ♪ 261 00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,472 Yeah! 262 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:04,995 Gretchen, Jeff! 263 00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:06,910 Follow that, bitches. 264 00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:09,870 Come on, Lyndsey, it's our turn. 265 00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:10,914 ♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪ 266 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:14,788 Woof, woof. Woof, woof. 267 00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:16,659 Come on. You can do better than that. 268 00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,879 Larry, do I look like I want to do better than that? 269 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,663 Ooh, last time I saw that face, 270 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,012 I forgot to pick up wine. 271 00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:24,493 Boy, was I in the doghouse 272 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,712 that night. Hey! 273 00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,540 ♪ Who's in the doghouse? ♪ 274 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,542 ♪ Who-who-who-who? ♪ 275 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:31,587 That's what I'm talking about! 276 00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:32,936 Come on. Let's show 'em how 277 00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,590 you and your brother do it doggy style. 278 00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:40,291 He doesn't really hear himself, does he? 279 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:41,989 Why are you here? 280 00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:44,818 I've told you a hundred times, I don't want 281 00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:46,602 to double-date with Gretchen and Jeff Strongman. 282 00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,256 Well, you won't have to anymore. 283 00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,519 Guess who's gonna tell Larry the truth tonight. 284 00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:52,913 ♪ Who-who-who-who? ♪ 285 00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:56,046 What do you mean? 286 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,832 I told Gretchen who I really am. 287 00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,964 I was tired of living a lie 288 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,226 and sneaking around, being dishonest. 289 00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:03,271 I'm better than that. 290 00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:04,533 She caught you. 291 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:06,013 Yes. Yes, she did. 292 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,232 But it felt good to get it off my chest. 293 00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:11,540 If you tell Larry who you really are, 294 00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,063 then he's gonna wonder why I didn't tell him. 295 00:11:13,150 --> 00:11:15,805 And that's not something I want to deal with 296 00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:16,893 less than two weeks before we're supposed to get married. 297 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,113 God, is it two weeks? 298 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,505 Boy, I better find those rings. 299 00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:23,291 Alan, you're not gonna say a thing about 300 00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,945 who you really are. 301 00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,337 I'm sorry, but I already promised Gretchen. 302 00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:27,948 And-and the fact of the matter is 303 00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,732 you and I aren't in a relationship anymore, 304 00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:32,648 so you no longer have me by the balls! 305 00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,786 ♪ Men.♪ 306 00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:42,266 ♪ Dial 1-900-mix-a-lot and kick them nasty thoughts ♪ 307 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:42,832 ♪ Baby got back! ♪ 308 00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:46,270 [cheering] 309 00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:51,362 Come on, Larry, let's show 'em how we do it. 310 00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:53,103 There you go! 311 00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,366 Menstrual cramps can't stop my lady! 312 00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,499 It's Larry-oke time! 313 00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:04,245 ♪ Ow! I feel good ♪ 314 00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,204 ♪ I knew that I would now ♪ 315 00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:10,555 So, did you talk to Larry yet? 316 00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,427 Uh, well, you know, I was, I was running 317 00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:13,907 this whole thing by Lyndsey, and, um... 318 00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,345 Whoa, wait. Why would you run it by Lyndsey? 319 00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:18,738 You know, she is the one getting married, 320 00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:20,522 and I didn't want to spring it on her 321 00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,002 because Lyndsey is not the girl you want to get angry 322 00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:23,307 unless you're about to have sex with her, 323 00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,787 'cause then she turns into a freak, 324 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,484 and I don't know why I'm saying this. 325 00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:27,964 I know why. 326 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,531 Because you still have feelings for her. 327 00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,054 [scoffs] That's crazy. I just, I think 328 00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:31,968 it's the right thing to do, that's all. 329 00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,928 Oh, my God. 330 00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,060 That is why you invented Jeff Strongman 331 00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:40,063 in the first place, was to win Lyndsey back. 332 00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,153 Feelings like that don't just disappear. 333 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,676 Sure, they do. There's a lot of things 334 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,156 I used to love that I don't love anymore: 335 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,897 uh, roller coasters, dairy, my mother. 336 00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:50,639 This isn't funny, Alan. 337 00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:51,553 Well, I-I was just saying... 338 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,294 No, listen to me. 339 00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:56,645 Look, if you want to run everything by your ex-girlfriend 340 00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,734 and not tell Larry the truth, then so be it. 341 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:01,171 But I don't want anything to do with it. Or you.Wait, Gretchen... 342 00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,957 Gretchen. Gretchen, wait! 343 00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:04,914 ♪ I feel good ♪ 344 00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,266 ♪ I knew that I would now ♪ 345 00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,442 Come on, Jeff, you know the words. 346 00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:14,576 ♪ So good, so good ♪ 347 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:15,359 ♪ I'm gonna die alone ♪ 348 00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:17,666 ♪ Ow! ♪ 349 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,495 ♪ Men.♪ 350 00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:22,671 Aren't you glad I made you do this? 351 00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:25,761 Yeah. Having déjà vu. 352 00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,677 My dad used to let me sit on his lap and steer. 353 00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,635 Yeah, my dad wasn't around much. 354 00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:33,334 I had to teach myself all those things that dads teach you: 355 00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,423 how to ride a bike, how to shave, 356 00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:38,208 how to change a tire, how to masturbate. 357 00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:39,949 What? 358 00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,778 No, dads don't teach you how to masturbate. 359 00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:46,521 I'm glad somebody told me before I had kids. 360 00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:48,523 This thing is actually really cool. 361 00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,525 What made you sell it in the first place? 362 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,570 I needed the seed money to start my company, 363 00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,921 and it's the only thing I had that was worth anything. 364 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:58,620 You know, when you think about it, 365 00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,100 this car is really responsible for everything I have: 366 00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:04,539 the beach house, my jet and my fortune. 367 00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,106 Alan. 368 00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:09,326 Shh, she didn't mean it. It's not true. 369 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:13,026 So that means your dad is kind of responsible 370 00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,810 for your success, too, doesn't it? 371 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:17,682 I never really thought of it like that. 372 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:20,120 I guess he is. 373 00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,687 Thanks, Dad. 374 00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:25,255 Oh, that gave me the chills. 375 00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:26,648 Oh! No, wait. 376 00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,780 There's a hole in the floorboard. 377 00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:34,134 Anybody else want to drive for a while? 378 00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:36,527 I don't know how to drive. 379 00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,355 What? 380 00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:39,487 I grew up in Manhattan. 381 00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,141 I've been in taxis and cop cars. 382 00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:44,231 Ooh, this is my first time in the front seat! 383 00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:49,149 Well, there's no time like the present. 384 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,890 [all screaming] 385 00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:56,243 I'm gonna pull in here. 386 00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:59,811 I'm pretty sure they sell underwear at Cracker Barrel. 387 00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:04,207 ♪ Men.♪ 388 00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,557 Berta? 389 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,472 Hey, Zippy. 390 00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:09,952 It's 10:00. 391 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,258 What are you still doing here? 392 00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,520 It's 11 years later. 393 00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:14,217 What are you still doing here? 394 00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:17,699 Where's your girlfriend? 395 00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:20,963 Gone. I think I lost her. 396 00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,747 You mean "lost" like you broke up 397 00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:26,490 or "lost" like the time Charlie took Jake to Disneyland? 398 00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:29,493 Broke up. Wait-- Charlie lost Jake? 399 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,191 Actually, Jake lost Charlie. 400 00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,758 Security found him. 401 00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,717 He was doing white snow with Snow White. 402 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,763 So, um, 403 00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,766 what did you do to drive this girlfriend away? 404 00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,594 She thinks I'm still in love with Lyndsey, 405 00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:46,206 which I'm not, but she doesn't believe me. 406 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,859 Well, make her believe you. 407 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,426 You can make anybody believe anything. 408 00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:52,777 You made the IRS believe you had seven dependents. 409 00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,779 That's true. 410 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:57,913 I went to chiropractic college on an NAACP scholarship. 411 00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:01,830 Exactly. 412 00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,223 And you made those people at the movie theater 413 00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:05,834 believe that you were under 14. 414 00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:09,533 And over 65. 415 00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,013 Once on the same day. 416 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,667 [laughs] 417 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:14,712 The, uh, the secret is that both of those groups wear 418 00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:17,498 little baseball caps. [laughs] 419 00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,152 I was saving this for your funeral, 420 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:22,111 but, Zippy, you're a charmer. 421 00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,983 Thanks, Berta. 422 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,549 No. Thank you. 423 00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,334 Now I don't have to go to your funeral. 424 00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:32,469 ♪ Men.♪ 425 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,297 Wow, 426 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:38,084 this Utah sky is amazing. 427 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,216 We're indoors. 428 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:44,264 Wow, this Colorado weed is amazing. 429 00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:51,184 Guess who just joined the 6,106-foot club. 430 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:55,405 It doesn't count when you do it alone! 431 00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,016 Whatever. 432 00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,234 I don't like it here. 433 00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,454 There's no Wi-Fi or cell service. 434 00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,499 It's like one of those movies where you find out 435 00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:03,848 the little town's full of zombies. 436 00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:05,850 Or werewolves. 437 00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,243 Or zombie werewolves. 438 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:08,810 How would that happen? 439 00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:10,420 Hello. Do the math. 440 00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:11,987 Zombie bites a werewolf, 441 00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:13,510 werewolf dies, comes back as a werewolf zombie. 442 00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:15,643 That's a badass, unkillable creature. 443 00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,253 He's right. Chain the door. 444 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,342 Wait a second. You think chaining the door 445 00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,823 is gonna stop a zombie werewolf? 446 00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,347 I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna be the guy 447 00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,045 who gets killed by a zombie werewolf 448 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,263 'cause I didn't chain the door. 449 00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:32,181 [laughs] Hey... 450 00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,922 thanks for coming with me, guys. 451 00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:35,271 And I'm not just saying that 452 00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,143 'cause I can use you as human shields 453 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,101 when the zombie werewolf breaks in the door. 454 00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,625 Yeah, I'm really glad we came, too. 455 00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:43,714 And about almost killing you guys 456 00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,630 in the car earlier-- that's my bad. 457 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:48,110 Yeah, well, I am glad 458 00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:51,461 that Cracker Barrel had underwear. 459 00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,376 And these "I Heart Denver" sweatpants. 460 00:17:55,465 --> 00:17:57,772 You know, this is still better than that family trip 461 00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,165 I took to Utah as a kid. 462 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,080 My dad was trying to convince my mom 463 00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,559 to add another wife to the family. 464 00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:04,126 Started the trip with one wife, 465 00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:06,302 tried to get two, came home with zero. 466 00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:10,654 Hotel had a great pool, though. 467 00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,613 At least you knew your dad. 468 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,571 I barely knew Charlie. 469 00:18:14,658 --> 00:18:17,879 I got one letter from him my entire childhood. 470 00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:21,100 It said, "Are your friends 18 yet?" 471 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:23,232 Yeah, hearing you guys talk about your dads, 472 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:25,843 and thinking about mine, 473 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,410 makes me question even wanting to have kids. 474 00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,412 You already have kids. 475 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,631 [Walden laughs] 476 00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,328 Papa. 477 00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,462 Come on. I'm not your dad. 478 00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:39,161 You've been a better dad to me than anybody ever has. 479 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,684 You-you-you took me in, 480 00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:45,080 you inspired me to be a better person. 481 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,300 You pushed me to be a dead junkie. 482 00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:51,347 I really want that for you, too. 483 00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,262 She's right, man. You're a role model. 484 00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,742 I mean, you believe that 485 00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,483 I can make something out of myself 486 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:58,224 and you stopped me from going to prison 487 00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:00,226 for teaching my son how to masturbate. 488 00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:04,099 That's right. You want to be a hands-on dad, 489 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,274 but not too hands-on. 490 00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:09,496 Hey, bring it in, kiddos. 491 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:12,760 Oh! Aw... 492 00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:15,110 [laughs] 493 00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:16,546 Oh, Dad?Hmm? 494 00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:19,506 Barry's got his hand on my butt again. 495 00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:22,161 It's not my hand. Okay. 496 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:23,553 All right. 497 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,077 ♪ Men.♪ 498 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,167 [doorbell rings] 499 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,344 Hey, Gretchie. 500 00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,346 I don't want to talk to you right now. 501 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,478 Gretchen's still mad at you, but I'm on your side, Jeff. 502 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:38,568 Bros before hoes. 503 00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:40,353 Oh, uh, oh, good, you're, uh, you're all here. 504 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:44,095 Because I have something to say... 505 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,314 to everyone. 506 00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,011 Are you sure, Jeff? 507 00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,536 Some things are better left unsaid. 508 00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,756 I love you so much, 509 00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:55,194 I-I can't imagine my life without you. 510 00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:56,282 Just stop. 511 00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:57,457 Maybe this will help. 512 00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:59,937 Okay, I appreciate the gesture, 513 00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:02,984 but looking for change together isn't gonna work this time. 514 00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:06,379 The only change I want is for us to be husband and wife. 515 00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:09,251 ALL: What?! 516 00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,993 Gretchen Martin, will you do me the honor 517 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,390 of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper? 518 00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:20,393 Oh, my God! My sister and my best... 519 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,526 Wait a minute. Who the hell is Alan Harper? 520 00:20:23,613 --> 00:20:26,181 Larry, look, boobs! 521 00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:27,748 ♪ Men.♪ 522 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,536 ♪ Men.♪ 523 00:20:33,623 --> 00:20:34,929 Oh, look at you. You're doing great. 524 00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:36,322 You haven't hit a guardrail in miles. 525 00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,324 Once you get the hang of it, 526 00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:39,934 this driving thing isn't so tough. 527 00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:42,937 How about after I restore it, I give it to you? 528 00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,765 What? You love this car. 529 00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,593 I've gotten what I need out of it, 530 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,856 and I'd rather have it stay in the family. 531 00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:50,640 Who better to have it than my my... 532 00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:52,076 sort-of-daughter. 533 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:54,731 Aw! You're the best sort-of-dad ever! 534 00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,167 Whoa! Hands on the wheel! 535 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,735 Hands on the wheel![tires squealing] 536 00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,302 Whoa!Why are you yelling at me? 537 00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:01,695 You should be yelling at them 538 00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,044 for driving on the wrong side... 539 00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:05,002 [all scream] 540 00:21:05,089 --> 00:21:06,047 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 541 00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:06,743 and TOYOTA.