1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,742 Previously on Two and a Half Men: 2 00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,179 Larry, where can I put this poop? 3 00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:06,267 This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here. 4 00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:07,833 Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman. 5 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,661 We have a half hour till I have to go meet Larry. 6 00:00:09,748 --> 00:00:12,186 I really like Gretchen. I'm-I'm not gonna cheat on her. 7 00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:13,796 Gretchen is coming over tonight. 8 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,276 When I get back, I don't want to see Gretchen. 9 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,494 BARRY: You know, 10 00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:17,713 if I had a place to sleep here, 11 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,454 my apartment would be free. 12 00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,543 You had me at "free." 13 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,545 ♪ Men.♪ 14 00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:25,025 [phone rings] 15 00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,679 Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. 16 00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:29,942 It's my partner from China.No problem. 17 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,379 Hello? 18 00:00:31,466 --> 00:00:35,035 Lan mao shi zai wuding shang.Wow. 19 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,385 No, I'm on hold. I'm just making stuff up. 20 00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,256 [harp playing] 21 00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:42,085 [theme music playing] 22 00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:46,046 Honey, I'm home! 23 00:00:54,793 --> 00:00:56,143 Hi, dear. 24 00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:00,930 How was your day, darling? 25 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:01,931 Did you write some new commercials? 26 00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:05,065 I sure did, Mother. 27 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,415 In six months, everyone in America 28 00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,113 will be smoking refreshing cigarettes. 29 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,810 Or, as I like to call them, 30 00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,508 healthy flavor sticks. 31 00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:16,119 Kids, your father's home! 32 00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,948 [children cheering] 33 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,732 Look at all my little Schmidts! 34 00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:24,649 And I pushed every one of those Schmidts out of me. 35 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:27,087 Hey, kids, if you eat all your dinner, 36 00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,828 Daddy's gonna give a healthy flavor stick 37 00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:32,179 to each and every one of you. 38 00:01:32,266 --> 00:01:34,224 [children cheering] 39 00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:38,272 Hi, Dad. 40 00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:41,884 I clogged the toilet again. 41 00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:45,017 And I ain't cleanin' it up! 42 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,759 Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta. 43 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:50,414 KATE: Walden. 44 00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,329 Walden. 45 00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,897 Walden? Oh, s... 46 00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,378 Sorry. [clears throat] I was daydreaming. 47 00:01:57,465 --> 00:02:00,381 We were married, and we had seven kids, 48 00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:02,426 and they all loved cigarettes. 49 00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:05,125 Okay, that's the last margarita for you. 50 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:10,260 So, I have good news and I have bad news. 51 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,175 Oh. Is the good news that we're gonna have sex 52 00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:15,352 and the bad news that we can only do it five times? 53 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:19,443 The bad news is I have to go to San Francisco, like, now. 54 00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,531 Wow. 55 00:02:20,618 --> 00:02:21,793 And the good news is, 56 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,273 once I take care of this business, 57 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,319 I can stay here for a few more days. 58 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:28,496 Hmm, then I can take care of your bidness. 59 00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:31,629 Oh, hey, Kate. 60 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,153 I see you're still as beautiful as ever. 61 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,329 Alan. 62 00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,462 I see you're still as... here as ever. 63 00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:40,899 So we're both doing well. 64 00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,641 Okay, I got to go pack my stuff so I can leave. Mmm. 65 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:48,342 I'll take "phrases Alan Harper will never say" for $500. 66 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,908 She's leaving already? 67 00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,214 Oh, I hope she doesn't use that bathroom. 68 00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:53,085 I clogged the toilet again. 69 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,349 No, she's only gone for a couple days.Mmm. 70 00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:57,612 And then I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 71 00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:58,961 Wait, married? 72 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:00,354 Well, isn't that a little fast? 73 00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:01,703 [groans] Walden, you're always jumping 74 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,052 into these kind of things, 75 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,053 and you...You can still live here. 76 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,055 Mazel tov! 77 00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:08,057 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 78 00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:11,887 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 79 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,893 ♪ Men.♪ 80 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,851 Hey. Hey. Hi. 81 00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:20,983 What you guys doing? 82 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,463 I am taking Jenny to the movies. 83 00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,029 Okay, you're not taking me. 84 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,510 Taking me implies we're going on a date. 85 00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,338 I'm a lesbian. If anything, I'm taking you 86 00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:31,123 'cause you can't get into an R-rated movie by yourself. 87 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,256 Hey. Hold on. Uh, before you go, 88 00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,171 which one of these engagement rings 89 00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:36,433 do you think Kate would like? 90 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,348 W... what? 91 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,741 You're gonna ask her to marry you? 92 00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,482 She's only been back for one day. 93 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,397 Yeah. She's the one. 94 00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,835 [chuckles] Do you know how rare it is to meet the one? 95 00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:50,404 Let alone have it happen every six months? 96 00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:51,709 No, no. This is... this is different. 97 00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:54,364 I-I am... really in love with Kate. 98 00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:56,932 Okay, I really love my life-size anime doll, 99 00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,890 but it would be a little weird if I married it. 100 00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,893 Right? 101 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,812 Look, Walden, you're in love with being in love. 102 00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,075 You live like you're in a romantic comedy. 103 00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,426 You know who's gonna play you in the movie about your life? 104 00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,733 Julia Roberts. 105 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:19,215 Just... do what my dad did. Don't buy the cow if you can get 106 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:23,132 the lactating stripper to give you the milk for free. 107 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,961 Come on, Barry, let's go. 108 00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:27,136 You know who would play me and you in the movie? 109 00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,660 Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. 110 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:32,272 I'll be either one. 111 00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,405 [sighs] 112 00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,279 Hey, Charlie. 113 00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:42,543 It's me, Walden. 114 00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:47,896 We... never met, but I'm the guy who took your place. 115 00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:53,293 Thanks for giving up your house. 116 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:57,384 I guess you didn't really give it up-- you died. 117 00:04:57,471 --> 00:05:01,257 You'd have to be on crack to give up all this. 118 00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:07,872 Anyway, I... 119 00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,221 Is Jenny right? 120 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:13,878 I mean, do I fall in love too fast? 121 00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,619 Come on, Charlie, 122 00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:17,186 talk to me. 123 00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:20,058 At least show me a sign. 124 00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,277 [chuckles] Yeah. 125 00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,323 That's what I thought. 126 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,324 [knocking][yelps] 127 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,413 [thunder rumbles] 128 00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:35,422 ♪ Men.♪ 129 00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,859 Here, try my famous guacamole. 130 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,077 Oh, what makes it famous? 131 00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:40,557 I don't know. It's... 132 00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:42,167 really good and everybody likes it. 133 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,430 I didn't think you'd actually call me on it. 134 00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,388 Do you have any famous recipes? 135 00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:48,739 Well, there's the-the Strongman family meatloaf. 136 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,306 You'll have to make that for me. 137 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,482 Uh, the recipe died with my grandmother. Oh. 138 00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,571 We'd always say, "Write it down, write it down." 139 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,878 And she'd say... [European accent]: "Tomorrow." 140 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,881 One day, your tomorrows run out. 141 00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,274 Oh, Nana Strongman. Aw. 142 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,103 Every day, I learn something new about my Jeff. 143 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,757 [chuckles] You and me both. 144 00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:08,977 I wish we could be together every day. 145 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,239 Oh, what would that be like? 146 00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:11,893 Well, let's put it this way: 147 00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:14,896 The Strongman meat would not be loafing. 148 00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:15,636 Move in with me. 149 00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,507 Seriously? 150 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,117 You make this place a home. 151 00:06:19,204 --> 00:06:20,467 When you're not here, this apartment feels 152 00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,991 like it belongs to somebody else. 153 00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:25,515 So what do you say? 154 00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,256 I say yes. 155 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,649 Oh, my God, that's great! 156 00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:31,434 But I insist on paying half the rent. 157 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:32,479 I love you. 158 00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:34,916 Cash only. 159 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,224 ♪ Men.♪ 160 00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:41,444 Can I help you? 161 00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,446 Hey, sorry to bother you. I... 162 00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,230 I've been hiking all day, and I saw you had a hose out here, 163 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,276 and I was wondering if I could fill up my water bottle. 164 00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,931 I have a hose? 165 00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,150 Yeah. 166 00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:53,369 Bottom of the stairs. 167 00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,197 Good for me. 168 00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:58,505 Uh, I... actually, I have filtered water in the kitchen. 169 00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,898 Oh, I kind of had my heart set on dirty hose water, 170 00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:02,596 but if you insist. 171 00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:09,994 [angelic choir singing] 172 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,563 Should I... 173 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,305 I'm sorry, what? 174 00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,915 [chuckles] Sh-Should I wipe my feet? 175 00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:19,047 I-I don't want 176 00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,570 to track beach sand into your... 177 00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:24,313 ...house sand? 178 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,097 Oh, no. That's-that's not sand. 179 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:30,406 That's the remains of the guy who used to live here. 180 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:34,062 You know what, maybe I'll just use the hose outside. It's fine.No, no, no, no. 181 00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:36,064 No, it's not like that. He gets spilled all the time. 182 00:07:36,151 --> 00:07:38,893 At this point, he's mostly lint. I'm Walden. 183 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,416 Vivian. 184 00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,245 That's a beautiful name. 185 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,900 Thank you. My parents got it from that '70s show. 186 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,252 What was it called? Maude. 187 00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:51,427 Ah. Yeah. 188 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,647 Wow, this is... 189 00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:56,258 this is quite a place.[chuckles] 190 00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:58,042 Your desk is backwards. 191 00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,957 Excuse me? 192 00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,351 Well, you have this beautiful view of the ocean, 193 00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:05,093 and yet your desk is facing the wall with... 194 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,399 a picture of the ocean on it. 195 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,838 Yeah. It's... actually, it's-it's the Atlantic. 196 00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:12,448 [chuckles] 197 00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:18,454 It's an inside joke. 198 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,458 For myself. 199 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:25,983 [thunder rumbles] 200 00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,029 Uh, you know what, I better fill up and get going. 201 00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,639 But it's, like... it's really starting to come down out there. 202 00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:32,816 It's just a little water. I'm not gonna melt. 203 00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,950 It's not like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West. 204 00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:38,300 I mean, you could wait it out here if you want. 205 00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:39,693 We could have dinner together. 206 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,825 I'll-I'll order delivery. 207 00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,087 Really? 208 00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,046 Wow. Uh, yeah. 209 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,047 That'd be great. 210 00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,657 Great. Okay. 211 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:50,486 [chuckles] Thank you. 212 00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,662 You know, I-I got to ask, do you always invite strangers 213 00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,229 into your home? 214 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:56,405 Oh, no. Usually they invite themselves. 215 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:59,016 ♪ Men.♪ 216 00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,715 I am so excited to move in with you. 217 00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,194 Hey, on top of paying half the rent, 218 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,979 I insist on paying half the utilities. 219 00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,546 Thank you. By the way, there's also a security deposit, 220 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:09,070 a cleaning deposit and the groceries 221 00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,725 you've already eaten half of. But we'll figure that out later. 222 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:14,423 We're gonna have so much fun.[chuckles] 223 00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:16,338 Oh. Oh. If this is gonna get any more physical, 224 00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:17,513 I got to go freshen up. 225 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:18,949 You mean poop? 226 00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,777 I love you so much. 227 00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:25,434 Oh, hey, if, uh, the pizza guy shows up, 228 00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:26,696 I don't have any money. 229 00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,393 Hey, that's my line! 230 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:32,136 My wallet's on the counter.Thanks. 231 00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:40,362 [slow motion]: Wait...! 232 00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:42,930 Who's Alan Harper? 233 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:46,107 A guy who no longer has to poop. 234 00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:48,500 ♪ Men.♪ 235 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,980 So, what's your deal, Walden? 236 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:55,203 Good-looking guy, rich, Malibu beach house. 237 00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:58,162 I bet you only date hot actresses. 238 00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:01,383 God, no. I'd never date an actress. 239 00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:03,994 They're all crazy. 240 00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:06,736 I'm sure they're not all crazy. 241 00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,347 Trust me. They are. 242 00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,001 I don't get this whole fascination 243 00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,612 with celebrities anyway. 244 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:15,266 I mean, who cares who's dating whom 245 00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,051 or who's engaged to who 246 00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:21,708 or who has a sex tape that no one will ever, ever see? 247 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,320 I know. But I have to say 248 00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:26,713 I am a sucker for anything having to do 249 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,498 with Brangelina or Kimye. 250 00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,239 Yeah, I have no idea what that means. 251 00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:33,589 I thought we were eating Kimye. 252 00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:36,070 What, have you been hiding under a rock for the last few years? 253 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,985 No, but I have climbed a few. 254 00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:39,769 I was a Sherpa in Nepal. 255 00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,118 Yeah. And I... 256 00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,033 I drove cattle in Argentina. 257 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,470 And I, uh... Oh, I used to give safari tours in Africa. 258 00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:48,865 And, once, I was an assistant manager at a Hot Dog on a Stick 259 00:10:48,952 --> 00:10:49,910 in Pittsburgh. 260 00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,346 I love hot dogs. 261 00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,217 [laughs] 262 00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:54,697 I've never even thought about doing stuff like that. 263 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,699 I mean, although I did 264 00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:59,746 once sit in the splash section at SeaWorld without a poncho. 265 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:03,837 Well, then you'd be perfect for my next adventure. 266 00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:06,274 Crewing on a sailboat to Polynesia. 267 00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,015 Wow. 268 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,060 A sailboat to Polynesia. 269 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:18,678 So what island do you want to hit first? 270 00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,505 As long as we're together, 271 00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:22,290 it doesn't matter. 272 00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,511 [gasping] 273 00:11:28,078 --> 00:11:28,992 That was a close one. 274 00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,516 I barely caught you guys. 275 00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,693 I'm still living with you, right? 276 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,738 Whoa... 277 00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,268 VIVIAN [distant]: Walden. 278 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:45,792 Walden.Huh? 279 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,533 Which one do you want? 280 00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:49,709 Right now I want both. 281 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,755 Oh, here. [laughs] 282 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,758 Oh. 283 00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:58,805 "A new love awaits you." 284 00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:01,677 Wow. 285 00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,769 Mine says, "Try our gluten-free wontons." 286 00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,251 ♪ Men.♪ 287 00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:13,645 Okay, uh, you asked, uh, "Who is Alan Harper?" 288 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,736 And you deserve the truth. 289 00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,563 My real name is Alan Harper. 290 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,392 I-I used to date Lyndsey, but when she broke up with me, 291 00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,090 I wanted to meet her new boyfriend, Larry, 292 00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:24,787 but I didn't want him to know that it was me, 293 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,267 so I created a fake persona, Jeff Strongman, 294 00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:27,921 but then Larry and I became real friends, 295 00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:29,792 and then you came along, and I really liked you, 296 00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,576 and everything was perfect until you picked up my wallet 297 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,883 to pay for the pizza, which reinforces my one rule: 298 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:37,713 "Never offer to pay for anything!" 299 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,283 Wow. So nothing I know about you is real? 300 00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,850 My-my feelings for you are real. 301 00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,242 And I was telling the truth when I said 302 00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:46,591 I wanted you to live with me. 303 00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,071 What about your son? 304 00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:49,856 Oh, oh, that-that wasn't a lie. 305 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:52,119 I have a son, just not the guy you met. 306 00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,338 M.I.T.? 307 00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:55,252 L.I.E. 308 00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,211 Anything else? 309 00:12:57,298 --> 00:13:00,823 I take regular condoms, and I put them in the Magnum box. 310 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,739 Yeah, I kind of figured that. 311 00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:06,698 All right, good-bye, Jeff. 312 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,439 Alan. Whatever your name is. 313 00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,093 Please, Gretchen, Gretchen, don't go, don't go. 314 00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,616 I really do care for you. Oh! 315 00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,923 Gretchen, come back! 316 00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,447 You have the pizza coupon! 317 00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:17,971 ♪ Men.♪ 318 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:22,889 ♪ Men.♪ 319 00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,154 Wow, look at you. 320 00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:31,027 Now you can look at the ocean and watch porn at the same time. 321 00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:34,726 Oh, I don't like looking at naked women. 322 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,816 That didn't come out right. 323 00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:40,210 I use this computer for work. 324 00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,343 In fact, it's what paid for this view. 325 00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,866 This view is free. 326 00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:47,261 Everything you say is like a bumper sticker. 327 00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,961 Well, I'm just gonna keep on truckin', then! 328 00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:55,747 Hey, don't forget to coexist. 329 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,228 You know, it's with all the religious symbols? 330 00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,622 The star of David and the fish. 331 00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,493 It's a bumper sticker. Never mind. 332 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,495 All right, where-where... where you headed? 333 00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:06,367 Carbon Canyon tonight, and then the... 334 00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,891 the road is open, and so is my mind. 335 00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:12,590 [gasps] Ooh, that could be a bumper sticker. 336 00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:15,028 Hey, uh, why don't you give me your number? 337 00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:16,638 We'll have to stay in touch. 338 00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:18,945 I don't have a phone. 339 00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:20,033 That is awesome. 340 00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:25,952 So I guess this is good-bye. 341 00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:27,692 I-I guess so. 342 00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:30,217 Hey, thanks for letting me crash on your couch 343 00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:31,653 and for the hot shower. 344 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,916 By the way, your staff is so attentive. 345 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,527 I mean, that Barry kid checked up on me, 346 00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:39,008 like, five times during the night. 347 00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:44,666 All right, you know, 348 00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:48,670 I-I don't usually say this to people in this house, but... 349 00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:51,499 if you want, you can stay longer. 350 00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,850 You're very sweet, Walden, 351 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,983 but, uh, I gotta get going. 352 00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,159 Enjoy your view. 353 00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:00,421 [chuckles] 354 00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:03,032 Hey, Vivian. 355 00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,033 Yeah? 356 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,383 Are you gonna be okay? 357 00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:08,342 Yeah, I'll be fine. 358 00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:10,344 I mean, this is... this is what I do. 359 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,085 Okay. 360 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:14,826 Walden? 361 00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:18,395 Yeah? 362 00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:19,701 Are you gonna be okay? 363 00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:22,617 I do... 364 00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:25,359 think I'm gonna be okay. 365 00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:28,797 ♪ Men.♪ 366 00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:32,801 Okay, I think I, uh, got all my stuff. 367 00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,542 Okay, that is my lamp. 368 00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:37,110 Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, but I put a new bulb in it. 369 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,635 So, you know, I'll just wait till this one blows out, 370 00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:41,418 then I'll shoot it right back to you. 371 00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,507 Okay. Or... 372 00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,168 [doorbell rings] 373 00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,043 I'll be back for you. 374 00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,047 Gretchen? 375 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,049 I'm glad you're here. 376 00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:04,789 I realized the only thing 377 00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:07,357 I actually know about you is where you live. 378 00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:08,793 Well... 379 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,318 Oh, my God, is everything about you a lie? 380 00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:12,710 Are you even cheap? 381 00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:14,538 I am cheap. 382 00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,584 Two of the four windows in my car are garbage bags. 383 00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,194 Look... look, I know 384 00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,196 I was an idiot, but-but what I said before 385 00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,459 about how much I care about you, I-I meant that. 386 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,200 But... you know, 387 00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:25,114 I-I understand if you want nothing to do with me. 388 00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,160 That's why I'm here. 389 00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:29,379 Look, I made my share of mistakes 390 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:30,685 when my husband left me. 391 00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:31,947 I know how hurtful it can be. 392 00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,949 I know how crazy you can become. 393 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:37,561 I mean, I'm sure you Googled me and saw my mug shots online. 394 00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:39,085 Uh, no. Um... 395 00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:41,696 Well, don't freak out. I was innocent. 396 00:16:41,783 --> 00:16:44,307 According to the state of Illinois. 397 00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:46,483 The point is, 398 00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:48,224 we all have secrets. 399 00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,097 So, are you saying that we can get back together? 400 00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:54,622 I'm saying I would like to break up with Jeff Strongman 401 00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:56,189 and get to know Alan Harper. 402 00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:59,105 Really? Oh, that's great. 403 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:02,847 But-but first, I'd like one last moment with Jeff. 404 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:03,892 Jeff? 405 00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,589 Yes?Screw you. 406 00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:07,200 Oh, God! 407 00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,071 [groans] 408 00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,421 Oh, are you okay, Alan? 409 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,774 ♪ Men.♪ 410 00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:17,862 Hey, you. 411 00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,343 Hey, you're back. 412 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:24,521 So, I've got good news and I've got great news. 413 00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,610 The good news is, I did work it out 414 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,177 so I could stay a few more days. 415 00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,092 Oh.And the great news is, 416 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,312 I took my underwear off in the car. 417 00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,492 Hey, um... 418 00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:39,101 [grunts, stammers] 419 00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:44,324 Listen, we need... we need to talk. 420 00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:46,065 Awfully serious for someone 421 00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,545 who just got hit in the face with a thong. 422 00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,200 Here's the thing. 423 00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:53,246 While you were gone, I met someone. 424 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,857 What? 425 00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:57,337 I mean, nothing happened physically. 426 00:17:57,424 --> 00:18:01,819 It's just, I can't stop thinking about her, 427 00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,212 and it's made me question everything, 428 00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,606 including my sanity 429 00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:08,217 and my interior decorating instincts. 430 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:11,133 Are you saying that you want to be with this girl now? 431 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,483 I don't know what I want. 432 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:16,007 I just, I know I have to pursue this. 433 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,748 Wow. 434 00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:20,142 I'm-I'm-I'm sorry. 435 00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:21,839 I-I never meant to hurt you. 436 00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,406 I don't feel the same. 437 00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:24,277 [groans] 438 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,194 ♪ Men.♪ 439 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,241 Hi. 440 00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:33,242 Hi-ya! 441 00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,723 [groans] 442 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,076 Oh... 443 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,992 Oh, they had just dropped back down! 444 00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:46,125 Walden, what are you doing here? 445 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,127 [groans] 446 00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:53,306 Remember how you asked me if I was gonna be okay? 447 00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:56,396 I don't think I am. 448 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,137 Is it because I just kicked you in the balls? 449 00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,530 There's that. 450 00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:04,317 Uh, but before I met you, 451 00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:08,451 I was very close to asking another woman to marry me. 452 00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,976 But then I didn't... 453 00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,848 because I couldn't stop thinking of you. 454 00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:18,983 So, you came here to tell me that you dumped your girlfriend, 455 00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:22,639 sweep me off my feet, and the two of us would, 456 00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:25,512 what, sail off into the sunset together? 457 00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:30,734 Yes? 458 00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:32,345 You don't even know me. 459 00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:36,566 Okay... I know you enough 460 00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,699 to know that I want to know you more. 461 00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,483 Walden, stop it. 462 00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,007 I'm just a stranger who wanted to drink from your hose. 463 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,098 Okay, that didn't... that didn't really come out right. 464 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,317 Look, I know I don't know you 465 00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:49,971 very well, but I feel like 466 00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:51,842 you're the type of guy who falls in love easily. 467 00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:54,236 You know me perfectly! That's exactly who I am. 468 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:57,021 I... look, we're soul mates. 469 00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:58,545 Soul mates aren't made in a day. 470 00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:02,026 Oh, that's another great bumper sticker. 471 00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:04,203 Walden, you're a great guy, 472 00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:07,075 but we lead two very different lives. 473 00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:08,946 Did I mention that I have a plane 474 00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,513 and I can take you anywhere you want to go? 475 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:15,126 Do you see? You want to fly over everything. 476 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,650 For you, it's all about the destination. 477 00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:20,088 For me, the journey is the destination. 478 00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,438 Okay, are you writing these down? 479 00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,790 Go home, Walden. 480 00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,578 [stammering] 481 00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,840 But I-I walked four miles to get here 482 00:20:32,927 --> 00:20:35,582 in the dark. In the woods! 483 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,759 I don't even know if I can find my way home. 484 00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:41,240 Maybe I should just stay with you. 485 00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:47,071 [alarm chirps] 486 00:20:47,158 --> 00:20:47,463 Ah, dude, there's your car. 487 00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:50,553 ♪ Men.♪ 488 00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,167 ♪ Men.♪ 489 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:56,907 Here you go, sweetie. 490 00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,822 Thank you. 491 00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:05,438 I'm so sorry I freaked out on you. 492 00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:06,961 It's not your fault. 493 00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,137 I should've known better. 494 00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:10,704 VIVIAN: I'm sorry, too. 495 00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:11,748 I should have never let you go. 496 00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,362 Well, you're both here now... 497 00:21:16,449 --> 00:21:17,841 and I'm ready to enjoy the view. 498 00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:21,105 You want us to kiss, Walden? 499 00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,934 Yeah, kiss each other. 500 00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:28,591 Do it. 501 00:21:28,678 --> 00:21:30,245 Kiss each other. 502 00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,467 Well, it is his house. 503 00:21:34,554 --> 00:21:36,730 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 504 00:21:36,817 --> 00:21:38,862 and TOYOTA. 505 00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:39,559 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org