1
00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:04,787
Previously on
Two and a Half Men:Larry, where can I

2
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:05,962
put this poop?This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.

3
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,616
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.

4
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:08,834
Larry and Lyndsey are in
Palm Springs for the weekend.

5
00:00:08,921 --> 00:00:11,620
You want to...
come inside?

6
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,056
That's what she said!That's what she said!

7
00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:16,059
No, I really like Gretchen.

8
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,756
I can't do this.

9
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:18,844
Jeff Strongman can't.

10
00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:21,021
But Alan Harper can.

11
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,196
Works for me.

12
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,548
♪ Men♪

13
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[computer dings]

14
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,290
Oh, ho, ho, boy.

15
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:30,508
What?

16
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,554
Just got an interesting e-mail.

17
00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:34,425
If it says, "Local horny
housewives looking for action,"

18
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,906
it's a lie.

19
00:00:36,993 --> 00:00:40,736
It should say, "Local police
entrapping confused citizens."

20
00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,042
It's an Evite from Kate.

21
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:45,393
She's opening a boutique in LA.

22
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,524
Who's Kate?

23
00:00:46,611 --> 00:00:47,482
Eh, it's a long story.

24
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,875
It's not that long.

25
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,400
Kate was the great love
of Walden's life

26
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:53,836
who he met
by pretending he was poor.

27
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:55,446
But by the time
he told her the truth,

28
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:56,752
she'd become a successful
clothing designer

29
00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,362
and moved to China.

30
00:00:58,449 --> 00:00:59,624
At first they e-mailed
frequently but...

31
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,887
you know,
it tapered off over time.

32
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:03,672
Now he just uses
Google Earth to try to look

33
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,848
in her bedroom window, but
the image hasn't refreshed

34
00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,068
in months, so he just stares
for hours at this picture

35
00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:11,071
of this Hong Kong cab driver
named Bai Ling, it's...

36
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,944
I never told you any of that.

37
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,511
Well, it's kind of
my job to know

38
00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:17,338
the ins and outs of your life.

39
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:19,427
No, it's not.

40
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:20,863
Look, if you don't
want me know this stuff,

41
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,691
come up with
a harder password than

42
00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:23,996
"QD-backslash-seven-two-dollar
symbol-big-C-little-K."

43
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:29,698
Look, she-she says,
"I hope to see ya."

44
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That's good, right?

45
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:34,137
Is it "ya," Y-A,

46
00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:35,138
or "you," Y-O-U?

47
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:38,228
"Ya." Y-A.

48
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:39,795
Ehh.
Mm.

49
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,536
Why ehh?
She hopes I can make it.

50
00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:43,755
I say "ya" when I want
to blow somebody off.

51
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:44,800
See ya.

52
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,280
Call ya.

53
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I have "chlamydi-ya."

54
00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:50,893
She's right.

55
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,808
Get out of here, "ya freak."

56
00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:55,376
Never done this before,
have "ya"?

57
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:58,205
I'm your cousin,
what's wrong with...

58
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,555
"ya"?

59
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:02,992
It doesn't matter
whether it's you or ya.

60
00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:05,125
The important thing
is she wants me to go.

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00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,517
On the other hand,

62
00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,258
it could be a mass e-mail.

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I'd hate to show up
and have her talking to some guy

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named Jacques or Filippo.

65
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:14,351
Okay, those names
are awesome.

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00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:16,310
Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.

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I live with my mother but it's-a
not weird 'cause I'm Italian.

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00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:22,533
Maybe I'm wrong.

69
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:23,360
Just go and see.

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00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,144
And Filippo...

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00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,711
your fly's open.

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Scusi.

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00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,588
Hey.

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00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:34,937
Is that your stuff?

75
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:35,894
Is it... h-happening?

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00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:37,331
Are you moving out?

77
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:38,419
You're cute. I'm not leaving

78
00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:42,292
till I'min a box.

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No, I, uh, I dug out
all our old board games

80
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for my couples night with Larry.

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You know, Monopoly,
Parcheesi, Clue.

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Wow, first you have sex
with this guy's girlfriend,

83
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,215
now you're having sex
with his sister?

84
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:55,914
I'm going with Larry, in the
living room, with the lead pipe.

85
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Larry actually wants us
to spend more time together

86
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now that I'm dating Gretchen.

87
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,746
How's Lyndsey
taking you moving on?

88
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Pretty well. Uh, last night
she said, "I still want you."

89
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[gasps] "You."
"You."

90
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,927
I heard him, I heard him.

91
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♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪

92
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,846
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

93
00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:21,984
♪ Men.♪Uh, it's a movie.

94
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:23,115
West Side Story.

95
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,291
Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding.

96
00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:25,466
We have a winner.[whoops]

97
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:27,250
How the hell
did you get that?

98
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,513
Oh, you know, fin,
shark, Sharks and Jets,

99
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,081
and I know how my Jeffy
loves his musicals.[laughs]

100
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:33,822
My favorite musical
is My Fair Lady'cause

101
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:36,433
it reminds me
of my Gretchie.Aw.

102
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,043
I think I'm gonna wretchie.

103
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You guys are tough.

104
00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:42,396
Well, it's like
I can read her mind.I think it.

105
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:43,571
And I say it.
Well...

106
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,703
Larry and I are the same way.

107
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:46,617
Watch. It's a movie.

108
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:50,534
A duck. A beak. A duck.

109
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:51,622
Flying ducks. Uh...

110
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Duck's ahoy. Donald Duck.

111
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:56,279
Daffy Duck. Duck and cover.

112
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,499
Duck, duck, goose.
Duck Dynasty. Mighty Ducks.

113
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:01,502
Mighty Ducks 2.

114
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,504
Mighty Ducks 3.

115
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It's not a duck.

116
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,422
Aflac.

117
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:11,294
Ben Affleck.

118
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Good Will Hunting.

119
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Hunting ducks.

120
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:14,558
Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.

121
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It's The Wizard of Oz.

122
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There's no duck
in The Wizard of Oz.

123
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,351
What the duck is wrong with you?

124
00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:26,962
I need a drink.

125
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:30,313
Uh, anyone else want
a refill? Gretchen?

126
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,836
Why don't you just
read her mind?

127
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,882
Oh, okay, um...

128
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,187
Sex on the beach.

129
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,320
[laughs]
And not the drink.

130
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Looks like my fairlady
is more like my naughtylady.

131
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,805
Can you guess what
I'm thinking, Lyndsey?

132
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Ducks.

133
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,765
Whoa, that is spooky.

134
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,811
♪ Men.♪

135
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,814
Lyndsey!

136
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,424
Hey, Alan.

137
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:55,947
Let's see if you
can read my mind.

138
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,602
I'll give you a hint:
it rhymes with duck.

139
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,824
Oh, oh, I'm-I'm not sure
that's a good idea.

140
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:04,739
I just came in
for a little dessert.

141
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:08,699
Okay, uh, well, there's, uh,
there's pie, there's cake,

142
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:11,876
there's [shudders]:
gluten-free cookies.

143
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:13,748
Hey, Jeff?

144
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:16,968
Lyndsey?

145
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:18,927
Hey, hey, how did I get here?

146
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:19,884
Am I sleepwalking?

147
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:22,409
Lyndsey?!

148
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,888
Thi-This isn't
what it looks like.

149
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,281
It looks like you're cheating.

150
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,501
O-Okay, I-I can explain,
thi-thi... uh...

151
00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:28,545
I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.

152
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,680
You're never gonna fit
in that wedding dress

153
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,334
if you keep cheating
on your diet.

154
00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:36,858
Yes, the-the-the diet.

155
00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:39,295
He's not stupid.

156
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,862
You're right, honey.
I am weak.

157
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:43,212
I-I... This is all
my fault, Larry.

158
00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,083
As best man, it's my job
to make sure that

159
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:47,564
nothing goes into her mouth
that shouldn't be there.

160
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,350
Exactly.
You can't let her blow it.

161
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,182
♪ Men.♪

162
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,575
Oh, my God.
I'm so nervous.

163
00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,838
Do I look nervous?

164
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:01,578
I don't want to be
nervous... [hacks]

165
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:05,582
Dry mouth,
it's... [hacks]

166
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,065
Is that weird? I don't want
to be weird. Am I weird?

167
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:14,809
There she is.

168
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,201
[hacks]

169
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:18,900
Hi, handsome.

170
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:20,815
Hey, bring it in.
[laughs]

171
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:22,077
Oh, wow!

172
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,774
I-I forgot how
beautiful you are.

173
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,820
That's a lie.

174
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:27,212
I think about it every day.

175
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,562
You look beautiful, too.

176
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,172
Thank you. I'm using
a new seaweed scrub.

177
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:33,262
It makes me smell like
dead fish, but I get a glow.

178
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:34,176
This is Barry and Jenny.

179
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:37,092
Uh, they're my...

180
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:40,051
new Alans.Oh. Hi, it's nice
to meet you.

181
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,792
You, too.

182
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,490
You look different than
your satellite photos.

183
00:06:43,577 --> 00:06:45,622
Whoa, Barry.Can you hang on
one second?

184
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:48,233
I just have to say good-bye
to this magazine editor.Uh, yeah, sure.

185
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,583
Okay, I'll be right back.Okay.

186
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,062
Oh, uh, uh, if you
can't find me,

187
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,021
just follow
the smell of dead fish.

188
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,849
Oh, my God, if I die tonight,
that's gonna be

189
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:56,677
the last thing
she remembers me saying.

190
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:57,895
[hacks]

191
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,247
Would you just relax?

192
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:04,380
She's obviously into you.
I mean,

193
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,730
she looks at you
the way that...

194
00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:07,862
he looks at me.

195
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:11,169
Like... she wants to eat me?

196
00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:12,910
Exactly.

197
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,259
Barry, when I said,
"bite me,"

198
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:15,826
it didn't mean
what you think it means.

199
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,917
Just-Just ask her out.

200
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,266
What... And then what?
Then she goes back to China,

201
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,138
and I get left
heartbroken again?

202
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,966
Think about it this way:

203
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:26,968
You can either spend the next
two days hanging out with her

204
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:30,711
or the next two days
hanging out with us.

205
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:33,365
Kate...?

206
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,628
Come on, Barry.

207
00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:36,543
Let's get drunk
and grope models.

208
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:39,850
That's nice.

209
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:41,896
Oh...!

210
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:45,943
What... Walden? Sorry.

211
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:49,033
I... [chuckles]
So my date's a little tipsy.

212
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,992
Don't worry, she's not driving.

213
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,996
Hey, do you want to go out?

214
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,868
I don't know, for-for
dinner or something?

215
00:07:57,955 --> 00:08:01,655
I mean, no pressure. Just
two old friends catching up.

216
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:04,309
Yeah.
Two old friends who've...

217
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:05,876
taken pictures
of each other naked.

218
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,704
I don't know what
you're talking about.

219
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,272
I deleted those photos.I didn't.

220
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:11,926
Me neither.[laughs]

221
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:15,103
Well, I do want to hear
what's been going on.

222
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,844
I've got so much to tell you.

223
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:18,410
So let's-let's do it.

224
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,238
Okay. Dinner.

225
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:22,153
Conversation. No sex.

226
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,808
Get rid of the conversation and
we can pretend we're married.

227
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,810
[laughs]♪ Men.♪

228
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:29,247
Well, thanks again.
This was fun.

229
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,771
I'm gonna walk Jeff out.

230
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,207
Oh, right, you guys
probably want some privacy

231
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:33,904
so you can play tonsil hockey.

232
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:37,168
Seriously, Larry?

233
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,735
What? It's not like we
don't know they're having sex.

234
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:40,389
Remember the other night
when I was like,

235
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:42,304
"Wow, they're really
going at it," and you were like,

236
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:44,175
"Larry," and I was like,
"What?," and you were like

237
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,177
"Focus on me," and I was like,
"Why? I already finished,"

238
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,397
and you were like...I remember.

239
00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,619
Why don't I get
the door for you?

240
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,534
Well, uh, once again,
we had a lovely

241
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:54,969
Yeah, yeah, see ya.evening, it was
a very nice...

242
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,452
Wow. That was
uncomfortable.

243
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,716
I think Lyndsey's
tired of having me around.

244
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:03,804
I've been living
in the guest room for two weeks.

245
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:06,676
Doesn't seem so long to me.

246
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:07,851
Hey, how about tomorrow night,
we go to your place?

247
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,637
Uh, my place?

248
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:13,465
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh, oh, but, uh,

249
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,858
but what about Larry? I mean,
he-he seems to really enjoy

250
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:17,252
hearing us have sex.

251
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:20,385
Jeff, do you not want me
to see your place?

252
00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,692
I mean, If you're worried about
getting rid of your porn, don't.

253
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:23,954
I love porn.

254
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,000
You're perfect.

255
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,567
Did someone make you in the lab

256
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:28,916
or were you sent
directly from Heaven?

257
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:29,917
That's me.

258
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,440
I am a robot angel

259
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,791
who loves masturbating
to pornography.

260
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:35,879
My place it is.
Tomorrow night.

261
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,881
Great.

262
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:40,841
I can't wait to see
what your place looks like.

263
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:41,885
[chuckles]

264
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:44,061
[door closes]

265
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:47,151
Neither can I.

266
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:50,067
♪ Men.♪

267
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:53,070
Mm! Oh, uh, quick, Barry,
call the police.

268
00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:56,813
A male model is robbing us and
he's already stolen my heart.

269
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,467
What do you want?

270
00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:01,209
My heart back.

271
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,515
Also, uh, Gretchen
is coming over tonight.

272
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,995
Why?

273
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:08,259
She wants to see
Jeff Strongman's place.

274
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:11,480
This isn't even
Alan Harper's place.

275
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,656
Ooh, "Alan Harper's Place."
That's a...

276
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,310
That's a good name
for a sitcom.

277
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:16,790
Alan Harper's Place

278
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,749
is filmed before
a live studio audience.

279
00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:21,316
That's funny. Anyway...

280
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:24,493
just while she's here,
just call me Jeff.

281
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,017
Or Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg,
you know, whatever.

282
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,715
Just have fun with it.

283
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,804
Okay, I'm gonna go
on my date now.

284
00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:32,849
And when I get back,
I don't want to see Gretchen

285
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:36,505
or Jeff or J-Dawg

286
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:39,160
or DJ Strongman.

287
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,944
[chuckles]
Word.

288
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,990
Yeah. You know, in fact,
I don't even want to see Alan

289
00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:47,168
or A-Dawg or any of the cast
of Alan Harper's Place.

290
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,040
You know...

291
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:51,868
if I had a place to sleep here,

292
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,305
my apartment would be free.

293
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:57,700
You had me at "free."

294
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,310
♪ Men.♪

295
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,617
So, have you traveled
around China at all?

296
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:02,444
Did you get to
see the Great Wall?

297
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:03,271
Yeah, I saw it.

298
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:04,185
It's a good wall.

299
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,230
It's not great.

300
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,624
I felt the same way
about the Grand Canyon.

301
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,365
More like the Bland Canyon.

302
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,846
[laughs]
I'm glad we came back here.

303
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,586
I thought it was appropriate
to come back to the place

304
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,675
we had our first date.

305
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:17,285
Yeah, it's very sweet.

306
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,113
Of course, that's when I thought
you were poor.

307
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,767
Now you're just cheap.

308
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,899
Well, I figured
since we're not having sex,

309
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,075
why bother spending a lot
of money on dinner?

310
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:28,862
Tonight just kind of
feels right, you know?

311
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,254
Totally. And, honestly,

312
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:31,908
the no sex thing
isn't weird at all.

313
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,128
I didn't even have
to shave my legs.

314
00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:37,566
I did, but that was more
of a personal choice.[laughs]

315
00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:39,916
It's like friends
with no benefits.

316
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,962
Yeah, I actually
kind of prefer it.

317
00:11:42,049 --> 00:11:44,051
I mean, there's no pressure.No nerves.

318
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:44,878
No walk of shame.

319
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:47,402
No massages.

320
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,926
No... hot oil.

321
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,885
No kisses on my neck.

322
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:55,627
No fingers running
down my spine.

323
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,108
No orgasms.

324
00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:01,808
No idea why we're not
having sex right now.

325
00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:02,983
I'll race you to the car.I'm right behind you.

326
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:06,508
♪ Men.♪

327
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,427
♪ Men.♪

328
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:15,430
Oh, God, I've been waiting
a year for this.

329
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:16,910
It feels so great
to be with you again.

330
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,260
Uh-uh-uh.
That's against the rules.

331
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:20,696
No feelings.

332
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:22,306
So you don't want me
to feel this?

333
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:23,786
[gasps]

334
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:26,354
Apparently,
the rules can be bent.

335
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:28,443
And straightened.
[chuckles]

336
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,140
[moaning]

337
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,186
[stomach gurgles]

338
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,407
Was that... you or me?

339
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:38,366
Girls don't make sounds
like that, Walden.

340
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:39,715
Oh. Mm.

341
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:43,980
[moaning][stomach gurgles]

342
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:45,852
That was you!

343
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,899
[retching, vomiting]

344
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,600
Did I make it to the toilet?

345
00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,867
♪ Men.♪

346
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,480
Oh, this is
a cute place.

347
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,395
Yeah, it really is cute,
isn't it?

348
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:10,659
I really like
what I've done with it.

349
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:12,182
[cat meows]

350
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,793
Oh, and you have
a cat.

351
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,707
Apparently I do.

352
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,622
What's his name?

353
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,407
Uh, his name is... Mister...

354
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:22,236
Cat.

355
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:25,761
You are terrible at coming up
with names, Jeff Strongman.

356
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,286
Hey, you didn't tell me
you went to MIT.

357
00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:30,635
Uh, well, you know, I don't like
to brag. [chuckles]

358
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:32,942
Well, what'd you major in?

359
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:34,988
Uh... math.

360
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:38,165
With a-a focus on...

361
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,167
numbers.

362
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:42,212
I'm terrible at math.

363
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,825
Every time I count to 100,
I keep getting stuck on 69.

364
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,915
[chuckles]
Ooh, dirty math jokes.

365
00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:52,788
Let's see how many times
your orgasms multiply.

366
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,399
[giggles]

367
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,575
We really are perfect
for each other.

368
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,099
I know, right?

369
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:00,927
Can I tell you something?

370
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,624
Yeah, of course, anything.

371
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,627
You are the first man
I have trusted since my divorce.

372
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:09,500
Well, uh, you know, MIT
stands for "Man I Trust," so...

373
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:13,156
No, it's...
it's more than that.

374
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:15,767
My husband was a liar
and a cheater.

375
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,248
He was not the man
I thought he was.

376
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,729
Well, you know, some guys
can be real jerks.

377
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:23,906
Well, thank God
you're not like that, Jeff.

378
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:27,257
[chuckling]:
Yeah. Thank God.

379
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,042
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to bring us down. It just...

380
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:33,220
feels so good to open up and
let somebody in again, you know?

381
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,961
Aw, well, I'm glad you did.

382
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,788
In fact, I'm not even
gonna make a dirty joke

383
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,356
about you opening up
and letting me in.Oh!

384
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:42,838
You care enough about me
to pass up sexy wordplay.[chuckles]

385
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,492
And it was very hard on me.
[chuckles]

386
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,973
You said "hard on."Kiss me.

387
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:49,366
♪ Men.♪

388
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,934
[Kate moaning]

389
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,501
How you doing in there?
You okay?

390
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:56,069
Oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.

391
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,027
[moans]

392
00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:01,248
You know, if someone read
a transcript of this date,

393
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:02,597
it'd sound like
we were having hot sex.

394
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:07,123
Oh, God,
it's in my hair.

395
00:15:07,210 --> 00:15:10,953
That sounds like we just
finished having hot sex.

396
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:11,693
[distant shriek]

397
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:14,261
What was that?

398
00:15:14,348 --> 00:15:19,135
Hold on. I think
Alan just saw a spider again.

399
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:20,223
What the hell
is going on?

400
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:22,051
Whoa. Lyndsey.

401
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,053
Barry!

402
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,011
Wait, you two didn't...

403
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,577
Are you kidding? No!

404
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,710
Third base.

405
00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:31,843
I got into bed
to surprise Alan, and...

406
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,107
Scusi.

407
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:35,499
Where is Alan?

408
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:36,979
Uh, he's at my place.

409
00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:37,980
What?
What?

410
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:41,157
[stomach gurgles]

411
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:43,246
What the hell was that?

412
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,291
Oh, God.

413
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,164
[retching]

414
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:52,777
So... you ready for a ride
on the Barry-go-round?

415
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:56,607
♪ Men.♪

416
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:59,828
[moans, sniffs]

417
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:04,354
[grunts] I really regret buying
a wicker wastebasket right now.

418
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,749
Thank you.

419
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:09,969
I can't help feeling
this is my fault.

420
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,710
Why? Just 'cause you ordered
the squid surprise?

421
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:15,191
"Try it, Walden,
it won't kill you."

422
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:17,106
I wish it had.
[laughs]

423
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:21,154
Only you could make me smile
when I'm this sick.

424
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,112
I really missed you.

425
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:24,940
I've missed you, too.

426
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:28,117
Even if this is the way
that we spend the whole time

427
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,640
that you're here...

428
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:33,079
...I'm just glad
that we're together.

429
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,732
You are so sweet.

430
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:37,170
Hey, uh, you know
right after you throw up,

431
00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:39,650
how there's that 20-minute
window when you feel better?

432
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:40,738
Yeah...?

433
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:43,306
I'm in mine.

434
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:44,525
So...

435
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:47,049
if you're in yours...

436
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,096
Then you could put yours
in mine.

437
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,272
Exactly.

438
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:53,099
[chuckles]

439
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:53,751
[stomach gurgles]

440
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:55,840
Uh-oh.

441
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,581
Window's closing!

442
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,322
[stomach gurgling]

443
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,368
[moans] Me, too.

444
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,718
♪ Men.♪

445
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:07,983
Ooh, squid.

446
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,726
Shrimp's sexy sister.

447
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,645
Mmm.[doorbell rings]

448
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:20,474
Mm.

449
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:22,258
Mmm, hmm.

450
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,694
Tastes a little odd, but, eh,

451
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,306
Alans can't be choosers.

452
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,313
Oh, hey, Lyndsey, what's up?

453
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,576
Where were you last night?Last night?

454
00:17:35,663 --> 00:17:36,577
And don't do that thing
where you ask questions

455
00:17:36,664 --> 00:17:38,405
while you think of a lie.

456
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:41,103
That thing where I ask questions
while I think of a lie?

457
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:43,758
I was with Gretchen.

458
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,455
I see.
Well, I snuck into your room

459
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:47,066
to give you a little surprise

460
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,285
and molested the kid
sleeping in your bed.

461
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:52,245
Please tell me he's 18.

462
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:54,986
Honestly, if you told me
he was anywhere from 12 to 60

463
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,814
I'd believe you.

464
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,599
Okay, fine. L-Let's not
waste time fighting.

465
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,949
I have a half hour
till I have to go meet Larry.

466
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:04,170
He's in the park
feeding the frickin' ducks.

467
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:06,476
Oh. Oh, no, no.
Lyndsey, wait. Um...

468
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:07,390
What?

469
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:09,131
I can't do this.

470
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,655
What do you need:
pills, porn or pinky?

471
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:14,745
No... no, I'm-I'm-I'm not
gonna have-have sex with you.

472
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,486
I-I really like Gretchen.

473
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:17,661
I'm-I'm not gonna
cheat on her.

474
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:19,663
Wow.

475
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,536
Okay.

476
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:22,753
I'm sorry.

477
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:28,933
So, I-I guess this is good-bye.

478
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,762
Well, I'm still gonna be
the best man at your wedding.

479
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,765
Good-bye, Alan.

480
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:37,942
Well, well,
look who's back for more.

481
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:42,164
Get away from me,
ya freak.

482
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:45,211
Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?

483
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:47,778
♪ Men.♪

484
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:48,779
[sighs]
Well...

485
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,173
this has been horrible.

486
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,740
Yes.

487
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:55,482
But from now on,
every time you see a toilet,

488
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,440
you'll think of me.

489
00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,442
And every time
you hear a woman say

490
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:01,444
"Hold my hair
out of the puke water,"

491
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,054
you'll think of me.[chuckles]

492
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,882
So, listen,

493
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:07,885
next time we see each other,
if we're still single,

494
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:11,976
we'll forget all the rules
and just... bang our brains out.

495
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,630
At the very least,

496
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,545
I'll get an air mattress
for the bathroom floor.

497
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:17,156
[chuckles]
Agreed.

498
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,028
Let's not make a big deal
of this.

499
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,683
Let's just... kiss
and say good-bye.

500
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:27,905
Bye.Bye.

501
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,869
BERTA:
Sorry about that.

502
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:38,829
Thanks.

503
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:41,223
By the way, I saw your bathroom.

504
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,703
I quit.

505
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,966
[knocking on door]

506
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:48,578
Screw China.

507
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:49,797
Let's do it right now.

508
00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:51,102
Oh, wow.

509
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,714
You're lighter
than I remember.

510
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:56,369
I'm not lighter,
I'm just empty.

511
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:59,328
[whoops, chuckles]

512
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:02,070
Puking all night
and screwing all day.

513
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:04,377
It's like Charlie never left.

514
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:06,857
♪ Men.♪

515
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,211
♪ Men.♪

516
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,734
[cat screeching]Ow, ow!

517
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:14,430
[cat yowling]D-Down, Mr. Cat.

518
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:19,000
Down! Down!

519
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:20,219
I really love that little guy.

520
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,656
You want some breakfast?

521
00:20:22,743 --> 00:20:25,659
Uh, sure, if it comes
with a side order of Gretchen.

522
00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:27,574
You can serve me over easy.

523
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:30,011
And you can serve me sunny-side
all up in your bid-ness.

524
00:20:30,098 --> 00:20:31,099
[chuckles]

525
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:36,365
Oh. Hey.

526
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:38,585
Who the hell are you?No, it-it's okay,
it's okay.

527
00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:39,629
This is my...

528
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:41,283
...son.

529
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:44,634
Jimmy.

530
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,202
Jimmy Strongman.

531
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:50,684
It's Jim, Dad.
I'm not a little kid anymore.

532
00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,686
[stomach grumbles]

533
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,557
Oh, God.

534
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:55,602
What was that?

535
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,691
Squid!

536
00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:01,825
Mmm.

537
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:03,914
My other mom
never dressed like that.

538
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,394
Captioning sponsored by CBS
and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

539
00:21:05,481 --> 00:21:08,179
and TOYOTA