1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:02,959
Previously on
Two and a Half Men:

2
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,178
Hi.

3
00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:05,005
This is Jeff;
Jeff Strongman.

4
00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:09,009
So what happened
between you and your girl?

5
00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:11,663
She wanted to get married and
I'm just not sure I'm ready.

6
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,230
It's the same reason
I lost Lyndsey.

7
00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:14,884
It's like we were
dating the same woman.

8
00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:18,235
I am gonna ask Lyndsey
to marry me.

9
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:19,802
Lyndsey MacElroy...

10
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:20,846
will you marry me?

11
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,935
Yes! I will marry you!

12
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,242
Everything you need to know
is right in here.

13
00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:28,724
Somebody gave me
a billion dollar idea--

14
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:29,986
thought controlled computing.

15
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,553
We have so much work to do

16
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,424
and all I can think about
is you and me-- wow...

17
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:34,991
Gotta stop thinking about sex.

18
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,732
This is Walden Schmidt
saying--

19
00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,690
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Pudding.

20
00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:41,128
I think the computer
just read his thoughts!It worked.

21
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:42,868
[screams happily][laughs] Yes!

22
00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:44,087
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Someone's not wearing a bra.

23
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:47,003
♪ Men.♪

24
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,309
This is great!

25
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:49,832
My best friend, my fiancée

26
00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:51,399
and a great bottle
of French wine.

27
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,009
Uh, uh, technically
it's French Canadian.

28
00:00:53,096 --> 00:00:55,881
Uh, it's called
"Two-buck Canuck,"

29
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,970
and, uh, it's not wine,
it's wine-ish.

30
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,408
Um, but it still gets
the panties on the floor,

31
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:01,148
if you know
what I'm talking about.

32
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:02,975
[laughter]

33
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,847
Maybe you should have
another glass, Lyndsey.

34
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:06,022
I'm good.

35
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,545
Hey, uh, how about you, Larry?

36
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:10,070
No, I'm not wearing panties.

37
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:14,030
All righty, so, uh,
guess we're done with this.

38
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,640
So...

39
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,381
how long of an engagement
are you guys planning?

40
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:19,122
Uh, two years? Five years?

41
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:20,819
I mean, you know, there's
no rush to start a family.

42
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,473
I mean, after all, uh,

43
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,955
Lyndsey's well beyond
her child-bearing age.

44
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:28,175
Well, we have talked about
adopting a baby from China.

45
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:30,394
Oh!Course, then we'd
have to teach it English,

46
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:32,483
which seems like a lot of work.

47
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,920
Would you mind
getting desert, sweetie?

48
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:36,183
Sure.
Sure.

49
00:01:38,489 --> 00:01:39,534
Um, kidding.

50
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,797
Uh, this one's on you, sweetie.

51
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,451
[Alan & Larry laughing]

52
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:44,669
All right, but no funny business
while I'm gone.

53
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:45,931
I'll know, Jeff.

54
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:47,411
[laughs]
You haven't so far.

55
00:01:47,498 --> 00:01:48,934
I've been banging this one
for months.

56
00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:51,111
[Alan & Larry guffawing]

57
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,069
LYNDSEY:
Oh...!I love this guy!

58
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:54,810
She does too!
[laughing]

59
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:55,071
[laughing]

60
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,596
Isn't this fun?

61
00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,337
[laughing]:
Yeah. It's great.

62
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:02,426
Why the hell are you here?

63
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:03,601
Larry asked me to dinner.

64
00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:05,299
What was I supposed to say?

65
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:06,952
That you couldn't come.
That you had to work.

66
00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:08,302
That you're not really
Jeff Strongman

67
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,130
and your entire friendship
is a lie.

68
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,132
That I had to work--
that's a good one.

69
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,221
[sighs]

70
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:17,789
Alan, this wedding
is very important to me.

71
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,791
If you still have
any feelings for me at all,

72
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:21,532
you will let me have this day.

73
00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:22,707
Fine.

74
00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:24,796
I shan't go.

75
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:26,320
[sighs]

76
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:27,669
But good luck getting
the Chicken Dance

77
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:28,148
started without me.

78
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:33,283
Hey, Jeff, you want
a piece of Lyndsey's pie?

79
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,720
There's no way
I can eat it all myself.

80
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,461
I don't know.

81
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:39,376
Last time I had some,
there was a hair in it.

82
00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:42,640
Jeff was actually just saying
that he's got to get going.

83
00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,076
Mm.Really? Oh.

84
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,687
Well, then I'll
make this quick.

85
00:02:45,774 --> 00:02:48,211
I know we haven't known
each other for a long time,

86
00:02:48,298 --> 00:02:49,995
but I feel like
we share a lot.

87
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:51,997
M-More than you know.

88
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,173
So I was wondering
if you'd do me the honor

89
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,175
of being my best man?

90
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:56,828
What?!
What?!

91
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:57,655
What do you say?

92
00:02:57,742 --> 00:03:00,702
I... say...

93
00:03:00,789 --> 00:03:01,920
...you've made me
the happiest

94
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:02,965
person in the world-- yes!

95
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:05,446
[laughing]

96
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:08,057
You sure? Don't you want to
take a moment to think about it?

97
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,406
What is there
to think about?

98
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:10,842
You know, you could
change my name from

99
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,409
"Jeff Strongman",
to "Jeff Best Man."

100
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,932
[both laughing]

101
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,456
That's the kind of stuff
I want in your toast!

102
00:03:15,543 --> 00:03:17,153
And this is the
kind of stuff

103
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,763
you're gonna get
on the dance floor:

104
00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:22,419
[singing "Chicken Dance" melody]

105
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:23,507
[both grunting in rhythm]

106
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:25,205
[both laughing]

107
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,903
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

108
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:30,427
♪ Ah. ♪♪ Men. ♪

109
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,127
♪ Men.♪

110
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:38,914
Oh. Oh. Wait.

111
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:43,875
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Hey, good lookin'.

112
00:03:43,962 --> 00:03:44,224
Whatcha got cookin'?

113
00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:47,966
Pot brownies.

114
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,533
What the hell is that?

115
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:50,926
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
It's a new project

116
00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:51,970
I'm working on.

117
00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:53,668
It enables a computer

118
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,104
to read my mind

119
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:57,149
and then talk to you.

120
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,151
Why can't you just talk to me?

121
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,329
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Because, I...

122
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:05,070
and this... shut up.

123
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:07,812
Come on, try it.
I think it's big enough.

124
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:08,944
I think it'll fit.

125
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,946
The last time someone said that,

126
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:14,079
I ended up pregnant
with my first daughter.

127
00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:17,431
Hey... I got good news.

128
00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:21,652
I'm paid to pick up your crap,
not listen to it.

129
00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:24,829
Guess who Larry asked
to be his best man?

130
00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:27,528
One of his friends
who's actually real?

131
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:30,835
Jeff Strongman is like butter
on movie theater popcorn.

132
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:33,751
He may not be real,
but he's delicious nonetheless.

133
00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:35,710
Okay, so, let me
get this straight:

134
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:37,929
your alter ego,Mm-hmm.

135
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:39,235
is going to be the best man

136
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,932
at the wedding of your lover...

137
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,543
and another guy?

138
00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:44,284
When you put it like that,
it sounds like

139
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:45,546
a soap opera on Telemundo.

140
00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:47,156
[doorbell rings]

141
00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:48,723
[Spanish accent]:
Señor Strongman, why do you

142
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,073
make love to
the woman of the man you love?

143
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,076
Lyndsey?Are you insane?

144
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:56,992
Oh, si, Señor Strongman
es muy loco.

145
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,257
How could you say "yes",
to being Larry's best man?

146
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,085
I don't know. I got excited.

147
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,174
And you and I both know
when I get excited, I tend to...

148
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:06,697
react prematurely.

149
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,177
Why would you even want to go?

150
00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:10,484
Are you kidding me?!

151
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,442
I mean, just 'cause
you're mad at me right now

152
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:13,356
doesn't mean I'm going to miss
the wedding of someone I love.

153
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:16,751
Aw... that's very sweet.

154
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:17,534
I was talking about Larry.

155
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:18,448
Oh!
Ow!

156
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,320
Ah! Dios mío!

157
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,194
Alan, I don't care
how you do it,

158
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:26,151
fake Jeff Strongman's death--

159
00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:28,545
actually die.

160
00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:29,198
You will not be at my wedding.

161
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,159
[door slams shut]

162
00:05:34,246 --> 00:05:36,597
[scoffs, laughs]

163
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,340
She will be back here in three
seconds looking for make-up sex.

164
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:44,561
One...

165
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:45,736
Two...

166
00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,263
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Three.

167
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:54,484
Three.

168
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,358
You're an idiot.

169
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:02,187
I'm, um, I'm sorry.

170
00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:03,493
That was wrong.

171
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,713
Tú eres una idiota.

172
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,889
♪ Men.♪

173
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:11,458
All right, Bill Gates...

174
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:13,677
Steve Wozniak...

175
00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:14,809
and Mark Zuckerberg.

176
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,332
Ooh, that's a tough one.Yeah.

177
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:17,420
I'd definitely kill
Mark Zuckerberg...

178
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:22,120
...bang Bill Gates,
marry Steve Wozniak.

179
00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:24,862
What?! That's crazy.

180
00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:27,648
I mean, yes,
you have to kill Zuckerberg.

181
00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:29,040
But you gotta marry Bill.

182
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:30,477
I mean, I've seen it before,

183
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,130
he is gonna
take those glasses off

184
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,784
and shake is hair loose
and you're gonna be like,

185
00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:35,395
"Where did this guy come from?"

186
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,398
I hear you, but I'm still
marrying Woz.

187
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:41,096
I'm a boob man.

188
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,185
Are you guys playing
"Bang, Marry, Kill" again?

189
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,535
'Cause if you are,
I've got one for you:

190
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:49,234
Angelina Jolie,
Mila Kunis and me.

191
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:50,758
I would kill you

192
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:53,064
by banging you to death
on our honeymoon.

193
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:54,718
Aw...[laughs]

194
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:57,286
And then after the funeral,
Angelina Jolie.

195
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,333
I would love to bang Mila Kunis.

196
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,990
Not gonna happen, Barry.

197
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:07,731
All right. I'm out of here.

198
00:07:07,818 --> 00:07:08,776
I thought we were
gonna grab some dinner.

199
00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,387
I can't. I got a thing.

200
00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:12,954
You got a thing. I got a thing.

201
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:16,087
We put our things together,
we have some fun.

202
00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:17,175
Hey, every time
I say stuff like that,

203
00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:19,090
I get pepper sprayed.

204
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:21,397
That was one time, Barry and
my mom still feels bad about it.

205
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:26,315
I'll make it up to you tomorrow,
I promise.

206
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:29,057
What's your mom up to
these days?

207
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,580
Shut up, Barry.

208
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,364
Better hope I don't
run into Mila Kunis.

209
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,409
[scoffs]
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

210
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,457
♪ Men.♪[doorbell rings]

211
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:41,025
Hey! There's my best man!

212
00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:42,287
Groom goes the dynamite.

213
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:43,375
[imitates explosion]

214
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,030
[laughing]Come on in.

215
00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:48,424
I've got some beer on ice
and sports on ice.

216
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,034
Oh, yeah! You're right!

217
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,080
Uh, tonight's the finals
of the pairs ice dancing.

218
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,864
[laughing]

219
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:55,344
You're hilarious.

220
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:56,563
Hey, you got to do
this gay character

221
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:58,260
in your best man toast.

222
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,567
Uh, about that,
you know I'm-I'm-I'm not sure

223
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,307
that I'm the right person
to be your best man.

224
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:05,659
I'll probably just end up
drinking too much

225
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,878
and getting yelled at
by the bride

226
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:09,924
and singing a tearful,
yet moving version of

227
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:10,402
"All by Myself."

228
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,232
At least, that's
what happened at my wedding.

229
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,191
Well, you're not getting
cold feet, are you, buddy?

230
00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:18,236
Well, no, it's just
that it's your special day.

231
00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:19,499
I mean, y-you sure that there
isn't somebody more deserving

232
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,457
to be your best man?

233
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,590
A-a-a brother?
A college roommate?

234
00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:24,547
Someone who knows
your last name?

235
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:27,594
God, you're a riot.

236
00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:28,769
There's nobody
I'd rather stand with

237
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:30,422
at that altar than you, Jeff.

238
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,034
[sighs] Why do you have to be
so darn sweet?

239
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:34,644
Plus, I'm counting on you
to help me out

240
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:35,993
with the most important part
of this wedding--

241
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,343
bachelor party.Outfits.

242
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,998
I was thinking black tie.

243
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,522
Sure, black girls, Thai girls,
whatever you want.

244
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,396
Larry, where can I
put this poop?

245
00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:51,182
Ooh!
And who do we have here?

246
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,967
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.

247
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,403
Gretchen,
this is Jeff Strongman.

248
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:55,447
Oh, yeah!

249
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,884
Hey, from what I hear,

250
00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,581
I should call you
"Jeff Best Man."

251
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:01,149
[whispering]:
Oh, my God, that's what I said.

252
00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:02,803
Um, so, where's your dog?

253
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,674
In the garage
trying to wipe his ass.

254
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:07,416
Now, I couldn't find the trash.

255
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,505
It's out back.
I got it.

256
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:10,811
[laughs]You can tell I love her,

257
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,160
'cause I take
a lot of crap from her.

258
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:13,509
Get it? Crap.

259
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,555
[laughing]

260
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,557
And he's Mom's favorite.

261
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:20,255
I hear you.
Luckily, my brother's dead.

262
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:21,517
Oh.
So...

263
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,388
uh... uh, you just moved here?

264
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:25,782
Yeah. My brother's
letting me crash here.

265
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,915
I told him it was just
for a couple days,

266
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:29,481
but, between you and me,
it's a pretty sweet deal.

267
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,919
Huh. I should try that.

268
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,661
Part of me thinks

269
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:35,487
I should just stay here
till he dies.

270
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,228
Why stop there?

271
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:39,317
Why not move in with
the next guy who buys the house?

272
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:40,362
Yeah.

273
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:41,537
So, uh, what do you do?

274
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,147
I'm a vet.
I moved out here

275
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,496
to run an animal shelter.

276
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,498
Oh... so that
tasteful sports bra

277
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,630
covers a tender heart?

278
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:49,806
Well, the puppies at the shelter

279
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:52,026
aren't the only ones
that need support.

280
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:54,594
Well, I'd uh, I'd love to meet
your furry little friend.

281
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:55,943
Oh.

282
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:56,596
I mean, I'm talking
about the dog.

283
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:57,945
Um...

284
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,164
Not that I don't
want to meet--

285
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:01,731
Never mind, uh...[laughs]

286
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,211
So, you run a shelter?

287
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,039
Yeah. I've always had
a soft spot for strays

288
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,562
that no one else wanted
to take in.

289
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:08,564
[whimpers like a puppy]

290
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,522
♪ Men.♪

291
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:14,439
Hey.Ho, ho, ho-- somebody
is gettin' laid tonight.

292
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,137
Thank you.

293
00:10:16,224 --> 00:10:17,791
No, not you.

294
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,662
I just found a late night
booty call on Craigslist.

295
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:21,533
Hello, BoobaFett420.

296
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,101
You know, Barry,

297
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:26,364
sometimes the picture
isn't who you get.

298
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:27,583
Oh, tell me about it.

299
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:28,497
I used your picture.

300
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:31,152
Where's Nicole?

301
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:32,153
Ugh. Nicole.

302
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,894
Yikes.

303
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:35,504
This is gonna be tough.What happened?

304
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,941
She's dead.What?

305
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,377
No, she just blew you off again.

306
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,466
I was just trying
to soften the blow.

307
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:44,078
The second time she canceled.

308
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:46,646
Something's going on.

309
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,125
Look, I'm sure there is

310
00:10:48,212 --> 00:10:48,952
a perfectly reasonable
explanation.

311
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,780
She say anything?

312
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,303
Just that she would
call you later.

313
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:54,349
But on the plus side,
I'm available now.

314
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:56,612
Dave and Buster's, party of two.

315
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:58,179
We're not going
to Dave and Buster's.

316
00:10:58,266 --> 00:10:59,615
We're gonna track down
my girlfriend.

317
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,791
Now shut up and get in the car.

318
00:11:01,878 --> 00:11:04,794
Oh, my God,
you sound just like my dad.

319
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:08,058
♪ Men.♪

320
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:10,017
This is impressive.

321
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:12,062
How'd you track her down
at the restaurant?

322
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:15,065
GPS? Triangulate
the cell phone signal?

323
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:18,112
No, she asked me to make
the reservations for her.

324
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,680
[sighs]

325
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:23,117
Look at her in there.

326
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,336
Happy as can be.

327
00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:28,775
[feminine voice]:
I'll have an order of
seared Walden's Heart.

328
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:30,646
Hold the trust and honesty.

329
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:33,562
[chuckling]:
Okay, okay, let me try one.

330
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,739
You know, honey,
I'm worried about Bobby.

331
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:39,873
His grades have really
been slipping.

332
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,049
Who are you doing?

333
00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:44,486
That serious-looking couple
in the corner.

334
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,401
[feminine voice]:
Well, I'm worried
about the fact

335
00:11:46,488 --> 00:11:49,883
that you always have
to drive the baby-sitter home.

336
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:52,146
I'm just doing Nicole.

337
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:55,105
Well, somebody's doing Nicole,
but it's clearly not you.

338
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,541
[sighs]

339
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,152
Why does this always
happen to me?

340
00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:02,199
Boy meets girl, boy falls
in love with girl,

341
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,853
girl breaks boy's heart,

342
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:07,683
boy ends up in car with
socially awkward friend.

343
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:09,729
Come on, man.
You know chicks.

344
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,556
She's probably just
playing hard to get.

345
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:13,820
"You can't just show up
at my house like this, Barry."

346
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,430
"Where'd you get
those pictures, Barry?"

347
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:18,259
"Stop washing my car
in jean shorts, Barry."

348
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:19,695
D-Do you have to notify people

349
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:23,133
when you move
into a new neighborhood?

350
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:26,789
Oh... [scoffs]

351
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:27,529
Who's that guy?

352
00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:28,922
A waiter?

353
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:32,099
Yeah. A waiter
who likes to hug.

354
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:35,842
Oh! Maybe it's Bobby,
the son of the serious couple.

355
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,539
Will you stop that?

356
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,628
Hey, don't yell at me.
I'm not the one cheating on you.

357
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,978
You know, new rule:
no more talking.

358
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,983
[feminine voice]:
You know, honey,
I'm worried about the way

359
00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,855
the man in that car
is treating his friend.

360
00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:50,900
♪ Men.♪

361
00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:56,863
♪ Men.♪

362
00:12:58,081 --> 00:12:59,126
Hey.

363
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:01,302
What you doing?

364
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:02,303
Filling out an application.

365
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,827
You're getting a job?

366
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:07,656
No, I'm getting
a medical marijuana card.

367
00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:12,400
"What is
your medical condition?"

368
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:14,794
Stress.

369
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,534
Brought on...

370
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:20,060
by lack of marijuana.

371
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,715
Hey, can I...
can I run something by you?

372
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,283
I think Nicole's cheating on me.

373
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:27,241
Why do you think that?

374
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:28,590
I followed her

375
00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:29,983
and I saw her with another guy.

376
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,768
That can mean a lot of things.

377
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,248
Well-well,
we were supposed to go out

378
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:36,293
and then she canceled
last minute

379
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:39,122
and then she lied to me
about where she was going.

380
00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:41,908
Bitch be cheatin'.

381
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,779
Guess who's dating someone new.

382
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:46,695
His girlfriend.

383
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:50,264
Really? That sucks.

384
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:52,919
Her name is Gretchen,
and she's amazing.

385
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,617
Is this the beginning of the end

386
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,837
of the whole Jeff Strongman
thing?

387
00:13:57,924 --> 00:14:00,796
Uh, au contraire, uh, she's
actually dating Jeff Strongman.

388
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,798
She's Larry's sister.

389
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,800
Uh, oh, and, uh, I'm still the
best man in Lyndsey's wedding.

390
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,020
Standard best man stuff:

391
00:14:07,107 --> 00:14:09,805
Throw a bachelor party,
give a toast at the wedding,

392
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:12,677
assume a false identity

393
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:14,810
and bang both the bride
and the sister of the groom.

394
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:17,334
Wow. When you put it that way,

395
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,989
it sounds like a soap opera
on Telemundo.

396
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:22,600
That's what I said!

397
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,733
What does Lyndsey think
of all this?

398
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:26,082
I don't know.
Um, Alan hasn't told her

399
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,650
and Jeff Strongman
doesn't care.

400
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,873
How is it that Señor Strongman

401
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,006
has two girls and I have none?

402
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:39,226
Because you're not willing
to lie

403
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,837
and treat women like crap
so you can get laid.

404
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:43,839
You're a romantic.

405
00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,493
You think every girl you meet
is your soul mate.

406
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:47,625
You're ready to move in
after the first date.

407
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,585
We have a term for guys like you

408
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,021
in the lesbian community.

409
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,676
It's "lesbian."

410
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,809
♪ Men.♪

411
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,335
Hey. How you doing?

412
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,814
Great.

413
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,468
I didn't sleep at all
last night.

414
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,949
I just kept thinking
about Nicole and that guy.

415
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,864
I found my first gray hair.

416
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,997
Not on my head.

417
00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:13,564
Yeah. I didn't
sleep much, either.

418
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,392
I met up with BoobaFett420.

419
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:18,700
Turned out the "420" was
in reference to her weight.

420
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:20,006
NICOLE:
Hey.

421
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:23,531
Look who it is.

422
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,315
I'm really sorry
about last night,

423
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:27,491
but there's something
I want to talk to you about.

424
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:28,579
Is it your pants?

425
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:30,233
'Cause they're on fire.

426
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:34,063
'Cause you're a liar.What?

427
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:37,501
We saw you at the restaurant
with a guy last night.

428
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:39,851
You followed me?

429
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,028
No, actually, we followed
a really handsome guy

430
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:45,031
who you had dinner with and
just happened to run into you.

431
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:47,816
I wanted to go
to Dave and Buster's.

432
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,252
All right.

433
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:51,211
Okay, I was waiting
for a better time

434
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,648
to tell you this, but the guy
I had dinner with last night

435
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:54,910
works for Google.

436
00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:56,825
Oh... W... Get...

437
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,740
Barry, Google "betrayal" and...

438
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:02,439
Oh, actually, Bing "betrayal"
and let's see what comes up.

439
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:03,745
[Barry types rapidly]

440
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:06,269
Yep. Picture of Nicole.

441
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:08,358
I didn't really Google it.

442
00:16:08,445 --> 00:16:10,099
That's my screen saver.

443
00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:12,188
It's not what you think.

444
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,799
He offered me a job
in San Francisco.

445
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:16,714
They're working on
the same technology that we are,

446
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,978
and he said that I could pick
my own team and that's you guys.

447
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,718
Oh, my God.

448
00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:22,155
NICOLE:
Yeah.

449
00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:23,112
I've never been picked
for a team.

450
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:26,072
And you're gonna do this?

451
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:28,509
We are so close.

452
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:30,511
Well, they're a lot closer.

453
00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:32,992
Wow. I mean, the chances of us
beating Google are one in a...

454
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:35,037
googol.

455
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:37,779
I bet we'll get
to make jokes like that

456
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:38,954
all the time at Google.

457
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:41,913
Who cares if they beat us?

458
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,915
We'll create something else.

459
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,656
All we have
to do is

460
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:48,311
believe in ourselves
and we can change the world.

461
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:51,706
Now, they're giving you an
opportunity to work for Google.

462
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:54,970
I'm giving you an opportunity
to beGoogle.

463
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,494
I have to take this. I'm sorry.

464
00:16:57,581 --> 00:17:00,976
So you're just going
to San Francisco?

465
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,022
Where does that leave us?

466
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:06,503
Well, I mean, we were...
we were just having fun, right?

467
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,940
Yeah, fun. Okay.

468
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,855
Good. I'm just... I just...
[clears throat]

469
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:13,249
I'm glad you're not one
of those people who thinks

470
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:15,904
every person they meet
is their soul mate. Or...

471
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:18,167
that-that you would think
that we were moving in

472
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:20,865
with each other
just 'cause we had sex.

473
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:22,954
She's not a lesbian, dude.

474
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:26,697
I gotta call the guy back.

475
00:17:26,784 --> 00:17:28,221
Go ahead.

476
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:30,397
Good luck in San Francisco.

477
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:31,615
Thanks.

478
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:37,273
All right.

479
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:42,931
I'm sorry, buddy.

480
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,802
I'm here for you.

481
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,630
Appreciate that.

482
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,981
You know, actually...

483
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,984
what she's offering
is a pretty good deal, so...

484
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,551
if you wanted to go with her...

485
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:55,161
Oh, thank God.

486
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:58,294
♪ Men.♪

487
00:18:00,296 --> 00:18:02,298
So tell me
about Gretchen.

488
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,996
Well, um, there
isn't much to tell.

489
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,737
I, um... I grew up
in Chicago,

490
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,739
I went to Northwestern,
became a veterinarian,Mmm.

491
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,742
married the man of my dreams
but apparently he was dreaming

492
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:14,136
of banging
my best friend, so...

493
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,398
How 'bout you?

494
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:16,225
Uh, I haven't met
your best friend.

495
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:18,575
Is she hot?

496
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:21,970
You know I neuter dogs
for a living.

497
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:23,841
Are you threatening or offering?

498
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:25,234
[chuckles]

499
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:27,323
So-so, uh, what
brought you to L.A.?

500
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,369
Uh, just looking
for a fresh start.

501
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,762
You know? I mean, out here,
I can be whoever I want to be.

502
00:18:31,849 --> 00:18:33,547
I can reinvent myself.

503
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,375
Mm. I thought about doing that.

504
00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:37,246
But in the end, I can't be
anyone but Jeff Strongman.

505
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:40,945
Well, I wouldn't mind
a strong man in the end.

506
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:42,730
Ooh, dirty word play.

507
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:43,557
I'm vibrating.

508
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,254
I'm growing.

509
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:48,083
No, uh...

510
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,389
no, our-our table's ready.

511
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,173
Oh, great, great.
Uh, well,

512
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,610
let's take our wine
and have a seat.Yeah, or, um,

513
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,308
you know, there's 20 minutes
left in happy hour.

514
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,048
I mean, we could just stay here
and fill up

515
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,050
on two-for-one appetizers
and half-off drinks.

516
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,052
Yes!

517
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,011
I mean, you know,
if that's what you want.

518
00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:05,274
It's just... I hate
spending money unnecessarily.

519
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:08,277
Anything we don't finish
is going home with us.

520
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:12,673
I tell 'em
it's for the dogs, but...

521
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,370
woof.

522
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,807
Gretchen...

523
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,374
do you believe in
love at first sight?

524
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,204
♪ Men.♪

525
00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:28,776
♪ Men.♪

526
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,865
[spits]

527
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:33,868
[coughs]

528
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:41,789
What the hell is "wine-ish"?

529
00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:43,486
Hey.

530
00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:44,879
Hey.

531
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:45,923
How was the date?

532
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,491
Best... date... ever.

533
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:51,277
[chuckles]
We are perfect for each other.

534
00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:53,409
It's like...
it's like God cloned me

535
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:57,196
and gave me boobs and a vagina.

536
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:59,372
Alan, can't you see
that this Jeff Strongman stuff

537
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,504
is only gonna
cause you problems?

538
00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:04,333
Actually, I'm starting to think
Alan Harper is the problem.

539
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:07,380
I mean, Jeff Strongman
has a girlfriend, a best friend

540
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,425
and he's practically debt-free.

541
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:10,992
Practically?

542
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:13,124
He may have received
a free credit card offer

543
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,474
that was a little too good
to pass up.

544
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:18,956
Jeff Strongman has
a credit card?

545
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:23,483
And get this, Alan Harper got
100 bucks for referring Jeff.

546
00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:33,144
Now I just need to figure out
a way to get rid of Alan Harper.

547
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,494
It's not as easy as you think!

548
00:20:34,581 --> 00:20:36,539
[doorbell rings]

549
00:20:40,195 --> 00:20:41,283
Barry.

550
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:42,066
I thought about what you said

551
00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:43,459
and I decided...

552
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:45,026
I want to stay
and work with you.

553
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:46,114
I mean, I don't want to work
for Google.

554
00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:47,768
I want to beGoogle.

555
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:48,899
Really?
Yeah.

556
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,988
I want to change the world.

557
00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:51,511
[chuckles]
Hey.

558
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,907
We're gonna do
great things together.

559
00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,474
Hell, yeah, we are.

560
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,520
All right.

561
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,915
So where do I sleep?

562
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:07,440
Captioning sponsored by
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563
00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,268
and TOYOTA.

564
00:21:13,576 --> 00:21:15,491
Captioned by
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