1 00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:03,264 ♪ Men.♪ 2 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,788 So, Marty, uh, what are we celebrating? 3 00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:08,269 My prostate exam. 4 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:11,141 Doctor gave me a thumbs up. 5 00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:13,665 At least it felt like a thumb. 6 00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,493 Well, I'm glad to hear you're in good health. 7 00:00:15,580 --> 00:00:18,583 Yes, he said I could live another ten years 8 00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:19,976 if I give up alcohol. 9 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,717 Yeah, but you're drinking Scotch. 10 00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,153 He had a finger up my keister. 11 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,459 What, am I gonna argue? 12 00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:27,984 It's true; he never complains when I put my... 13 00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:29,725 [watch beeping] 14 00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,293 What is that, the horrifying conversation alarm? 15 00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,990 [beeping continues] 16 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:36,079 I was hoping it was a truck about to back over me. 17 00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:38,690 It's time for my pills. 18 00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:40,692 Evy, I think I left them in the car. 19 00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,216 Would you get them?Of course, dear. 20 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:44,261 I think the keys are in my pocket. 21 00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:46,394 You may have to root around for them. 22 00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,048 Really nice try. 23 00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,353 I-I got to remember that. 24 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,920 That's a good one. 25 00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:54,750 You actually have to own something to have keys. 26 00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:58,667 Okay, let me tell you why I'm really here. 27 00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:01,713 You know I have been dating your mother for some time now. 28 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:02,540 Uh, actually, she's not my mom. 29 00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:04,281 Yeah, or mine. 30 00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:07,023 Well, you boys are a couple and she's your daughter, 31 00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:07,937 so we're like family. 32 00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:11,114 Oh. 33 00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:13,377 No, we're-we're not married. 34 00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:14,944 Oh, but someday. 35 00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:17,947 No, no, we-we don't want to get married. 36 00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:20,645 So why did you guys fight so hard for it? 37 00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:23,170 Yeah, come on, Walden. 38 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:26,303 You're here, you're queer, get used to it. 39 00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,175 As I was saying, 40 00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:32,179 your mother is a beautiful, warm, compassionate woman. 41 00:01:32,266 --> 00:01:34,659 Everyone's entitled to their opinion. 42 00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:36,922 I would like to ask for her hand in marriage. 43 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:39,621 Aw. Wow. What? 44 00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:41,536 So, what do you say? 45 00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:43,755 Can I make an honest woman out of your mother? 46 00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,148 I doubt it. 47 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:49,021 But you have my blessing. 48 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,502 Mine, too. Congratulations. 49 00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:52,460 Uh, wait, not-not so fast. 50 00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:54,244 I have a question first. 51 00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:56,159 Would you allow her son to come and live with you 52 00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,030 if his current living quarters were to, say, 53 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:01,033 suddenly become a sauna? 54 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,819 Any son of Evelyn's 55 00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:06,648 always has a place in my home. 56 00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:08,084 Welcome to the family, Dad. 57 00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:10,913 [door opens] 58 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,480 Here are your pills, dear. 59 00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:15,744 Look at that, a hot chick carrying a bag of drugs. 60 00:02:15,831 --> 00:02:19,443 It's like 1970 all over again. 61 00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:22,620 Let's start with the muscle relaxers. 62 00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:25,884 One for you, two for me. 63 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,059 Wow. What are all those for? 64 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,323 It's a combination. 65 00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:31,107 Hardeners and softeners. 66 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,718 I-I have to take these or... 67 00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:36,678 [grunting] 68 00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:38,027 Marty, are you okay?Quick, quick. 69 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,595 P-Press the medic alert. 70 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,163 What is this? 71 00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:45,295 This is a ring. 72 00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:50,866 I've fallen for you, and I can't get up. 73 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:51,823 What are you saying? 74 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,303 Will you marry me? 75 00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,784 I can't believe this. 76 00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,960 You are so romantic. 77 00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,483 Will I have to sign a prenup? 78 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:00,484 Of course not. 79 00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:02,660 Then yes, yes. 80 00:03:02,747 --> 00:03:05,402 And I want your son to be my best man. 81 00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:06,925 Oh, my God, really? 82 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:09,276 Not you; pretty boy over there. 83 00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,322 Oh. 84 00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:14,368 In my heart, I knew. 85 00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:17,849 Okay, but at the ceremony, 86 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:20,635 I'm not gonna root around in your pocket for the ring. 87 00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:22,376 And, Jennifer, you'll be my maid of honor? 88 00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:25,857 [scoffs] Of course. It's like I'm not even here. 89 00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:27,990 Sweet. I love straight weddings. 90 00:03:28,077 --> 00:03:30,253 A bunch of drunk bridesmaids crying 91 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,776 because they don't have a man. 92 00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:34,605 It's like eating fish in a barrel. 93 00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,868 So, where are we gonna have the ceremony? 94 00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:38,218 Why don't we just have it here at our place? 95 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,176 Uh, maybe weshould discuss this 96 00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:43,527 before weoffer up ourplace. 97 00:03:43,614 --> 00:03:45,660 Do what I do; just go along with it, 98 00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:49,185 and later, take it out on him in the bedroom. 99 00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:52,841 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 100 00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:55,931 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 101 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,240 ♪ Men.♪ 102 00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:02,198 Oh, Berta, uh, 103 00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,765 can I try something out on you? 104 00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:06,246 There isn't enough alcohol in the world. 105 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,726 No, I'm writing a toast for my mother's wedding. 106 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,250 Uh, so far I've got, uh, 107 00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:11,642 "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so pleased 108 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,209 "to welcome Marty Pepper to our family. 109 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,689 "Uh, to know Marty is to love him. 110 00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:17,039 "He's a kind, sweet and generous man, 111 00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,432 "which proves once and for all 112 00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,695 that opposites really do attract." 113 00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:23,698 So, you're telling everyone you're a son of a bitch. 114 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:25,177 I like it. 115 00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:29,007 Hey, Alan, I need your help 116 00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,053 planning this geriatric bachelor party. 117 00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:32,663 I started reaching out to the guys 118 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,274 on Marty's invite list, 119 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:38,103 and so far I got dead, dead, coma, Florida. 120 00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,192 Hey, uh, where you thinking about having this thing anyway? 121 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,673 Well, at this point, either Boca 122 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,241 or the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. 123 00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,025 How about a strip club? 124 00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:49,027 I know a place with a great all-you-can-eat buffet. 125 00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,812 Two things you never want to hear together. Mm-hmm. 126 00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:52,509 "Strip club" and "all-you-can-eat." 127 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:55,033 Besides, Marty doesn't want strippers. 128 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,557 You can't have a bachelor party without strippers. 129 00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,210 But more importantly, 130 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,864 we can't let the last naked woman this man sees 131 00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:02,345 be my mother. 132 00:05:02,432 --> 00:05:05,392 My granddaughters do a great two-for-one show. 133 00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:06,175 I can get you a family discount. 134 00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:09,134 No, no. 135 00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:10,527 We... No strippers. 136 00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:12,616 We're just doing a nice steak dinner. 137 00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:13,965 Well, if there's not gonna be any strippers, 138 00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,315 then I'm not going. 139 00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:16,707 Actually, you're not on the list. 140 00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:18,883 ♪ Men.♪ 141 00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:20,537 Okay, okay, one more time. 142 00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:23,323 I want a nice filet, medium-rare, 143 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,108 and then you give it a nice sear, 144 00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:28,240 and then you put it in the food processor, 145 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,678 and you give it a pump 146 00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:32,854 three times on chop-- boom, boom, boom-- 147 00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:34,246 and two times on dice-- boom, boom. 148 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,075 Thank you. 149 00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,687 Oh, uh, 150 00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:41,123 is, uh, this the party 151 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,820 or the bathroom? 152 00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,648 Here. Over here, Tim. 153 00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:45,823 Oh.Yeah. 154 00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,259 Thank you. 155 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,435 What's with the glasses? 156 00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:50,001 You look like Bono. 157 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:52,395 I was fortunate enough to work with Bono. 158 00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:56,181 Yeah, and, uh, at the time, he was married to Cher. 159 00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:59,141 I just got back from the eye doctor. 160 00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:01,361 Boy, he robbed me blind. 161 00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:05,539 I can only read the top line of the eye chart. 162 00:06:05,626 --> 00:06:07,323 It says P. 163 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,369 Then I have to. 164 00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:12,937 I-I'd like to, uh, to propose a toast. 165 00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,722 Uh, first to Walden 166 00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,376 for putting all this together at the last minute. 167 00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,769 Well, it was tough, but I managed to get a table 168 00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:21,381 at 3:00 p.m. on a Thursday. 169 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:24,601 To Walden and his wife Alan. 170 00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:28,823 That is one ugly woman. 171 00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:29,911 Uh-huh. 172 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,348 Um, my, uh, 173 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,785 my mother and I have had our ups and downs, 174 00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:37,571 but I love her, and I want her to be happy. 175 00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:39,660 And you, Marty Pepper, 176 00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,531 make her happy, which means 177 00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:42,967 I love you. 178 00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:48,408 I thought we said no broads. 179 00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,845 I had a gay friend who was arrested for sodomy, 180 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:54,936 and he had the charge reduced to following too closely. 181 00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:56,981 Uh, anyway, 182 00:06:57,068 --> 00:07:00,245 um, I want to wish you both the best. Cheers. 183 00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:01,638 Tim needs a drink. 184 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:04,293 No, no, no, no, uh, I'm driving. 185 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:07,252 Marty, last time I saw you, 186 00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:11,387 we were in a threesome with that cute little redhead. 187 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,345 What ever happened to her? 188 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,782 I'm marrying her. 189 00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:16,392 Nice girl. 190 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:17,393 Hard worker. 191 00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:23,181 Well, I'd like to say on behalf of all of us, getting married? 192 00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:24,400 What the hell are you doing, Marty? 193 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:27,185 Why do you need seven wives? 194 00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:30,754 You can barely get through nine holes of golf! 195 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:34,497 She's a sweet kid, and I need a little warmth 196 00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:37,021 and comfort at the end of the day. 197 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:41,765 Have you ever considered a nice piece of toast? 198 00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:43,463 [clears throat] Uh, well, I would like to say something. 199 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:47,467 Uh... I might be in the minority here, 200 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,817 but I still believe in love, 201 00:07:49,904 --> 00:07:52,167 and it's inspiring to know 202 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,430 that even at your age, you can still find it. 203 00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,432 Now we have two broads. 204 00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,610 The kid is right. 205 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:04,005 Nothing is more important than love, 206 00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:06,486 except a good opening weekend. 207 00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:09,358 And salt. 208 00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:13,318 Damn it, I really miss salt. 209 00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,104 Okay, we're here because we love this man. 210 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,715 You know, not the way you two love each other. 211 00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:20,674 But... 212 00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:23,024 love, n-nonetheless. 213 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,898 We're also here for the free steak, am I right? [chuckles] 214 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:31,032 Excuse me. 215 00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:32,294 Who is this kid? 216 00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:34,252 He's Evelyn's son. 217 00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,298 Who's Evelyn? 218 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:37,952 The woman I'm marrying. 219 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,606 You're getting married? 220 00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,434 Mazel tov! 221 00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:47,091 Which one of you guys is... Marty? 222 00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:51,618 I'm Sugar. 223 00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:52,793 I'm Cinnamon. 224 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,926 I'm rich!I'm richer! 225 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,276 Hey, I thought we said no strippers. 226 00:08:58,363 --> 00:08:59,843 It's a bachelor party; loosen up. 227 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,149 Hey, uh, Marty, you up for a lap dance? 228 00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:03,934 I haven't been up for a lap dance 229 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,807 since the Reagan Administration. 230 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,765 Governor Reagan's. 231 00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,462 I think I wrote that joke. 232 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,814 Girls, give him something to remember. 233 00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,859 Uh, they're the green ones. 234 00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:18,427 Oh, uh, and don't forget, 235 00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:19,863 I'm only paying for an hour, so whether you're 236 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,952 in the middle of a lap dance or CPR, 237 00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:23,258 you got to get out of there. 238 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,567 ♪ Men.♪ 239 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:30,265 I want to find something Marty will like. 240 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:33,660 I wonder if they have edible underwear for diabetics. 241 00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,052 Well, they do have something called 242 00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,967 "I Can't Believe It's Not Body Butter." 243 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:39,840 [chuckles] Hey, you'd look good in these. 244 00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:42,407 No, dear, Marty would look good in them. 245 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,409 Oh, you guys arekinky. 246 00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:48,457 If we got any kinkier, we'd upset the animal rights people. 247 00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:53,462 So, how about you, Jennifer? 248 00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:56,247 Are there wedding bells in your future? 249 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:57,161 It is legal now. 250 00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:59,033 Oh, don't remind me. 251 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,601 I used to have the perfect get- out-of-relationship-free card. 252 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,385 "Oh, I'd love to marry you, 253 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:06,518 "but darn all that prejudice and intolerance. 254 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:10,261 Bite me, Supreme Court." 255 00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,828 Well, you never know. 256 00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,308 I didn't expect to find love this late in life, 257 00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,527 but there's just something about Marty. 258 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,444 Yeah, there's just 400 million things about Marty. 259 00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,055 Yes, but I would love him 260 00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,491 if he was only worth 200 million. 261 00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:24,449 [laughs] 262 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:27,017 You know, I was really touched 263 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,150 when you asked me to be your maid of honor. 264 00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,282 Well, you're the daughter of my only son. 265 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:32,414 Well, what about Alan? 266 00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:33,720 Don't spoil my day, dear. 267 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,504 And having you with me is like 268 00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:38,202 having Charlie around. 269 00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,683 This will be the only one of my weddings without him. 270 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:41,945 Well, except the first one, of course. 271 00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:45,166 Oh, no, dear, he was there. 272 00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:47,690 It was the first time we got drunk together. 273 00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:49,823 ♪ Men.♪ 274 00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:51,651 Where's Marty? 275 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,522 Nobody likes a stripper hog. 276 00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:54,958 Oh, speaking of hogs, 277 00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:57,787 I once did a show with Miss Piggy. 278 00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,660 You know there's a guy under there? 279 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531 You know, maybe we should go check on him. 280 00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,620 MARTY: I'm fine! 281 00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:07,405 Best present that I ever had in my whole life. 282 00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:10,191 Thank you, Walden. 283 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,193 Actually, the strippers were my idea. [chuckles] 284 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,673 Oh, well, then you tell your mother 285 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,239 the wedding is off. 286 00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:16,719 Tell her what? 287 00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:18,721 The wedding is off. 288 00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:20,244 STEVE: Okay. 289 00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:20,854 Wedding pool. 290 00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:21,637 I have 291 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,987 "Misplaces teeth 292 00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:25,902 and can't recite the vows." 293 00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:26,947 Uh-huh. 294 00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,515 I had, uh... [clears throat] 295 00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:35,607 "Died during the lap dance." 296 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:39,916 I had "This man's name is Gary. 297 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,396 "If found, 298 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:45,226 "take him to 104 North Beverly Drive. 299 00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:48,533 Do not give him Scotch." 300 00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:51,014 Well, I have... [clears throat] 301 00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:52,886 "Alan will screw this up somehow." 302 00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,409 I win. 303 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:55,671 Are you serious? 304 00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:56,846 You can't call off the wedding. 305 00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,718 You're not thinking clearly. 306 00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:00,589 I have never been more clear about anything in my life, 307 00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:03,766 except casting Ralph Macchio. 308 00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,290 Kid was a born star. 309 00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:09,119 Well, I think the party is over. 310 00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:11,687 Can somebody please drive me to, uh, 311 00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:15,560 104 North Beverly Drive? 312 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:18,433 I gotcha. 313 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,653 Listen, maybe on the way home, we can pick up some Scotch. 314 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,482 Wait, wait, not so fast! 315 00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:25,614 I got a catheter. 316 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:28,095 ♪ Men.♪ 317 00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:33,317 ♪ Men.♪ 318 00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,841 I can't believe Marty called off the wedding. 319 00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,191 I can't believe I left a bachelor party 320 00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,584 at 4:45 in the afternoon. 321 00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:40,847 My mom is gonna be very upset with us. 322 00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:43,632 "Us"? 323 00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:44,546 You threw the bachelor party. 324 00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,027 You hired strippers! 325 00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:49,420 That's why I said "us." 326 00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:51,205 You know what, it ultimately doesn't matter 327 00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:52,728 because in your mother's eyes. it's all your fault. 328 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,382 [sighs] You're right. 329 00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:56,253 She has never forgiven me for her prolapsed vagina. 330 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,560 And I'm never gonna forgive you 331 00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:00,344 for putting that picture in my head. 332 00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:03,652 It's not my fault my ears got caught. 333 00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:04,871 She's gonna be crushed, and it's all because of us. 334 00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:07,047 Will you stop saying that! 335 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,875 It's because of you! 336 00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:11,747 First you destroyed her vagina, and now it's her dreams. 337 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,967 Really? 338 00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,056 I thought, as partners, we shared the burdens of life 339 00:13:16,143 --> 00:13:17,448 for better or for worse. 340 00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,798 Or were they just empty vows? 341 00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,104 We're not married! 342 00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:23,541 Oh, you don't have to remind me of that. 343 00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:26,283 We're not gay! 344 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:29,373 I can see why we have to tell other people that, 345 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,723 but we shouldn't have to tell each other! 346 00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,076 Oh, hey, Alan, look who's here. 347 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:37,077 Hello, boys. 348 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,818 Hey, you want a drink? 349 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:39,993 [both laugh] 350 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,559 I know, stupid question. 351 00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:44,040 Hey, Mommy, did you have fun shopping? 352 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,781 What's wrong? 353 00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,174 What-what do you mean, "what's wrong"? 354 00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:48,915 You're using that same whiny voice 355 00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:51,308 you used when you pooped your pants in ballet class. 356 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:53,136 Good Lord.I was a kid! 357 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,964 You were 14. 358 00:13:55,051 --> 00:13:56,836 You finally had a bulge in your tights, 359 00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:59,751 and it was on the wrong side. 360 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,275 Okay, you know, I thought this 361 00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:02,885 was gonna be difficult, but maybe not. 362 00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:04,713 Marty ran off with a couple of strippers. 363 00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,281 Excuse me? 364 00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:10,414 Things got a little crazy at the bachelor party. 365 00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:11,502 What happened? 366 00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:12,590 Did he eat sugar? 367 00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:15,202 He may have. 368 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,423 All right. 369 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:20,990 Well, I guess he's having one last little fling 370 00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:22,470 before the wedding. 371 00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:24,080 Um, y-yeah, about the wedding. 372 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:28,084 There's that same tutu-crapping voice again. 373 00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,913 He called it off. 374 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:31,871 What? 375 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:33,916 Sorry, Evelyn. 376 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,049 But... 377 00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,964 the strippers have his medication, 378 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:42,185 and I think one of them has a nurse's outfit. 379 00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,274 You know, I-I think if you went over there and talked to him, 380 00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:45,928 you might be able to change his mind. 381 00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:48,888 He may have even forgotten he called off the wedding. 382 00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:52,021 No, if he doesn't want to get married, that's fine. 383 00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:54,589 Are you okay? 384 00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:55,633 I mean, is there anything we can do? 385 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,244 I'm all right. 386 00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,855 You can't force someone to love you. 387 00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:02,858 Excuse me. 388 00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:05,687 [sighs] 389 00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:07,732 What did I miss? 390 00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,734 Well, the wedding's off, 391 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:11,954 and Alan crapped his pants in ballet class. 392 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:14,914 ♪ Men.♪ 393 00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,959 Wow. 394 00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:18,308 Yeah. 395 00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:19,919 If I inherit this place, 396 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,616 there's a guest room with your name on it. 397 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,620 Man, he bought this with sitcom money. 398 00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:30,190 I am in the wrong business. 399 00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:33,454 May I help you? 400 00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:35,021 Uh, we're here to see Marty. 401 00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:36,152 I'm sorry, Mr. Pepper is busy. 402 00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:39,329 Really? Uh, he doesn't have time 403 00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:42,071 to visit with Ralph Macchio? 404 00:15:42,158 --> 00:15:44,160 A thousand apologies, Mr. Macchio. 405 00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:45,161 Right this way. 406 00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:48,556 After you, Daniel-san. 407 00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,601 ♪ Men.♪ 408 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:56,477 We're going to take a bath. 409 00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:59,001 You can start washing each other. 410 00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,961 But save the dirty parts for me. 411 00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,138 [knocking] 412 00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:06,574 Who's there? 413 00:16:06,661 --> 00:16:08,141 Uh, it's Alan and Walden. 414 00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:10,621 Who? 415 00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,014 [sighs] 416 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:14,886 Evelyn's gay son and his boyfriend. 417 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,236 Oh. 418 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,717 All right, come on in. 419 00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:21,806 If you're here to change my mind, 420 00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,330 forget it. 421 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:24,113 But I-I thought you loved my mother. 422 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,855 I do, 423 00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:29,814 but I'm not ready to settle down. 424 00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,469 Maybe when I get a little older. 425 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:36,604 Marty, I don't say this unkindly, 426 00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:40,347 but if you get any older, you'll be soil. 427 00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:43,524 Besides, you know my mother. 428 00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:45,134 She'd sleep with you and the strippers. 429 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,570 Oh, yeah, she's a big whore. 430 00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:48,224 Yeah. 431 00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,140 I'm not saying she doesn't have her charms. 432 00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,577 So, what's the problem? 433 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:54,970 The truth is, 434 00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,538 I'm a six-time loser at marriage, 435 00:16:57,625 --> 00:17:00,193 and I don't want to go for a seventh. 436 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,847 I get it. 437 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:04,849 You're-you're scared. 438 00:17:04,936 --> 00:17:06,503 But, you know, in-in love, 439 00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:10,377 you have to take a leap and hope for the best. 440 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,770 That should be written on a pillow-- 441 00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:15,077 the pillow you can bite when you and your buddy are... 442 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,209 All right, all right. 443 00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:17,427 Um... 444 00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:24,260 No, all-all I'm saying is is that marriage 445 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,306 can be a beautiful thing. 446 00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:29,657 So, why aren't you two married? 447 00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:31,267 Yeah. 448 00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:32,964 Why aren't we married, Walden? 449 00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,838 This isn't what you think it is. 450 00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,535 Right. 451 00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:42,931 I don't understand you, but you understand me. 452 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,237 You're right. 453 00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:45,238 He's right. 454 00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:46,630 I-I don't want to 455 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:49,285 end up alone 456 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:52,201 and a-afraid of commitment like Marty. 457 00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,162 Alan... 458 00:17:56,249 --> 00:17:59,121 ...for the last three years of my life, 459 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,732 you have... 460 00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:03,778 always been there. 461 00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:05,736 Every day. 462 00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,739 When I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night, 463 00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:10,132 there you are. 464 00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,528 So, nobody is more surprised 465 00:18:14,615 --> 00:18:17,444 to hear this coming out of my mouth than me. 466 00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:19,968 This is not happening. 467 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,101 Alan Harper... 468 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:24,538 will you marry me? 469 00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:26,844 Yes! Yes! 470 00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,542 A billion times, yes! 471 00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:29,673 Okay, okay. 472 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,197 All right, okay. 473 00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:32,459 Let's save something for the honeymoon. 474 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,678 Ibiza, it has to be Ibiza. 475 00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,115 You're right. 476 00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:39,422 Excluding my heart, kidney and liver, 477 00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:41,859 I'm not a young man anymore. 478 00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:45,820 I'm gonna call your mother. 479 00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,126 SUGAR: Marty, 480 00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:48,257 come find the ducky. 481 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,477 [giggling] 482 00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,957 We-we should probably go break the news to them. 483 00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:55,830 Yeah, yeah, that'd probably be the proper thing to do. 484 00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,615 Just so you know, 485 00:18:58,702 --> 00:19:00,704 this is not happening when we're married. 486 00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,141 ♪ Men.♪ 487 00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:08,234 ♪ Men.♪ 488 00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:10,758 Marty, 489 00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:13,369 I love you more than words could ever say. 490 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,805 From the moment 491 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:17,417 I took off my blindfold, turned around 492 00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:20,202 and saw you behind me for the first time, 493 00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:24,685 I knew I'd never need a safe word again. 494 00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:27,166 I wish I had one of those right now. 495 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,342 Which? The blindfold or the safe word? 496 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,996 Yes. 497 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:35,609 Evelyn, I'm so happy you're in my life. 498 00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:38,481 When I'm with you, I feel like I'm 85 again. 499 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,788 You're the perfect girl for me. 500 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,442 You make my heart skip a beat, 501 00:19:42,529 --> 00:19:45,662 and you know how to use a defribrillator. 502 00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,098 [laughter] 503 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,362 I wrote that joke. 504 00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:52,539 Last night, I only got up one time to pee. 505 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:57,196 I peed a second time, but I-I didn't get up. 506 00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,244 Ashes to ashes, 507 00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:04,551 and dust to dust... 508 00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:06,901 Oh, I'm sorry. I skipped a page there. 509 00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,163 Uh... 510 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,209 you may now kiss the bride. 511 00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:19,392 Congratulations, Evelyn, on a beautiful ceremony. 512 00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:23,961 Yeah. Can't wait for the next one. 513 00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:25,398 I just have to tell you, 514 00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,791 I am a huge fan.Thank you very much. 515 00:20:27,878 --> 00:20:30,316 I lost my virginity to one of your records. 516 00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:33,232 A-side and B-side, if you know what I mean. 517 00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:34,929 [laughs] 518 00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:38,062 Oh, I just became a big fan of yours, baby. 519 00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:39,412 [laughs] 520 00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:42,110 And I just want to say one thing. 521 00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:45,809 None of this would've happened without these two. 522 00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:48,072 And as my present to you, 523 00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,727 I've arranged for Tim 524 00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:54,253 to perform one more wedding ceremony. 525 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:57,299 [applause] 526 00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:02,130 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 527 00:21:02,217 --> 00:21:04,175 Oh, my God.Oh, my God. 528 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,134 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 529 00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:08,267 and TOYOTA. 530 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,180 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org