1
00:00:02,567 --> 00:00:03,394
Previously
onTwo and a Half Men...

2
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:05,135
There is something I...

3
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,136
probably should've told you
before we slept together.

4
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:08,312
Oh, God. Husband
or herpes?

5
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,532
For the first 40
years of my life,

6
00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:13,535
I was a man named Paul.

7
00:00:14,927 --> 00:00:17,843
Wow.
[chuckles]

8
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:20,281
Um...
You don't look...

9
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:22,326
40.
Oh...

10
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:30,117
I love Christmas
in Malibu.

11
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:33,033
I just saw Santa Claus
smoking a joint on the beach.

12
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,165
No, that's just Crazy Don.

13
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:37,254
He's a homeless guy with a beard
who asks girls

14
00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:38,908
to sit on his lap and try
to find the North Pole.

15
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:41,041
BERTA:
This came for you.

16
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:44,174
I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.

17
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:48,526
He spelled "Malibu"
M-A-L-I-B-O-O.

18
00:00:48,613 --> 00:00:49,614
Oh. No,

19
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,094
actually, it's "Maliboobs."

20
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:54,489
He put little nipples
on the O's.[laughs]

21
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,274
I just can't get used to
Christmas without him.

22
00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:58,971
It's just
not the same.

23
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,017
Remember how he used to
screw up Christmas carols?

24
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,063
♪ Shark named Harold ♪

25
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,368
ALL:
♪ Could not sing ♪

26
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:08,851
♪ Let's all go to Burger King ♪

27
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:12,637
Oh, look. He
sent a note.

28
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,596
Oh. Here we go. Uh...Oh...

29
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,380
"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry
I can't be there.

30
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,948
"I am having a
lot of fun in Japan."In Japan."

31
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:21,298
"Uh, Christmas is
very commercial here.

32
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,692
"Sometimes I think
they don't even remember

33
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:25,346
"it's Santa's birthday.

34
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:29,001
I hope you enjoy this little
homemade holiday treat." Oh.

35
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,265
Aw, maybe he baked us cookies.

36
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:32,701
Mmm.

37
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,791
Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.Oh!

38
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:37,314
Oh, man.

39
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,664
Well, at least he tried.

40
00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:42,014
He packed 'em in ice.[coughs]

41
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,843
Well, it's better than the time
he sent us those Easter eggs.

42
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:48,673
ALAN:
Mmm.And that poor, poor bunny.

43
00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,983
Looks like, uh,
Jenny's Christmas present

44
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,376
got here early.Mm-hmm.

45
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:57,204
And from the sounds
of it last night,

46
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,989
it's a Scream My Name Elmo.JENNY:
Hey,

47
00:02:00,076 --> 00:02:01,512
guys, this is Brooke.

48
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,340
Um, Brooke, this
is my uncle Alan,

49
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:04,559
and this is Walden.

50
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:07,083
Walden runs the
Alan sanctuary.

51
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,129
Hi.

52
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,347
Hi. Nice to meet you.

53
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,132
Where did, uh,
you two meet?

54
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:13,481
At my work.

55
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:14,786
Oh, and, uh,
what do you do?

56
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,136
I'm an esthetician.

57
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:18,573
Ooh, an esthetician.Very impressive.

58
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,618
You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

59
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:22,620
No.
Zero.

60
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,056
How do I put this?

61
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,145
Do you guys like
hairless vaginas?

62
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:27,756
Aw, yeah.
Yeah.

63
00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:29,410
Okay, there you go.
That's what I do.

64
00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:33,022
You know, waxing, tweezing,
threading and plucking.

65
00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:35,067
She plucked the hell
out of me last night.

66
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:39,724
Ooh, and brought a whole
new meaning to "ho, ho, ho."

67
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:42,031
Listen, you want to go
get some breakfast?

68
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:44,642
Nah, I got to bounce.
Thanks again.

69
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:45,730
See you.

70
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:51,040
[door shuts]Did I just get blown off?

71
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:53,129
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Big-time.

72
00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:55,479
Well, no biggie.

73
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:58,787
I'll just go back
to plucking myself.

74
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,616
I feel bad for her.

75
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:03,879
Do you remember the first time
you were rejected by a woman?

76
00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:06,316
Yeah. When the maternity
nurse handed me to my mom.

77
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:10,494
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

78
00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:13,932
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

79
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,851
[commentator speaking over TV]

80
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:22,071
Care for some mulled cider,
mull-lady?

81
00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:24,595
Oh... thanks,

82
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:26,206
but I can't.
I take hormones,

83
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:28,643
and the acid in the
cider makes my beard grow.

84
00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:29,992
[groans]

85
00:03:30,079 --> 00:03:31,428
God, you are so lucky.

86
00:03:31,515 --> 00:03:34,301
I wish I could grow a beard.

87
00:03:34,388 --> 00:03:36,303
Oh. Look what else I have,Hmm?

88
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,305
a, uh, sprig of mistletoe.

89
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,394
Okay, great. Game's
in overtime.

90
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:42,439
Mwah. Come on!

91
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:52,232
[groans]
I had the craziest day
at the mall today.

92
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,930
You heard me
about the overtime, right?

93
00:03:55,017 --> 00:03:57,062
You heard me
about the mall, right?

94
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:59,239
Darn it.
[groans]

95
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,855
Is everything okay
down there?

96
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:08,160
Oh. [chuckles]
My bad.

97
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,162
I got phantom nuts.

98
00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:13,731
Hmm...

99
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:15,385
You can scratch mine
if you want.

100
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,126
WOMAN:
Hey, Paula,

101
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,301
I'm just...
Oh, sorry.

102
00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,434
I didn't realize
you had company.

103
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,436
No, no. Come on in. Uh...

104
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:23,437
Rachel, this is Alan.

105
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,656
Alan, this is my ex-wife.

106
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:27,615
Oh. I, uh... I didn't know
you were married.

107
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,225
Uh, then again, I didn't know
you had a penis, so...

108
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,271
She lost them both
at about the same time.

109
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:33,664
Nice to meet you, Alan.

110
00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:36,363
Oh. You, too. It's really great
that you guys are still friends.

111
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:38,234
Yeah. And thankfully
the same shoe size.Oh.

112
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:40,976
By the way, those silver
platforms that you lent me

113
00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,282
really did a number on my back.

114
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,022
Oh, I'm sorry.
But you're in luck.

115
00:04:44,109 --> 00:04:46,242
Alan here is one of
the top chiropractors

116
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,550
in Los Angeles.Well, I was named, uh,

117
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,247
one of the "Top Chiropractors
to Watch"

118
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,902
by the Personal Injury Lawyer
Trade Association.

119
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,556
PAULA:
Yeah, he's just

120
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:57,079
being modest.
Last night,

121
00:04:57,166 --> 00:05:00,256
he threw my back out.
This morning, fixed it.

122
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:02,302
Oh...
[chuckles]

123
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,522
Well, maybe I can come
by your office.

124
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:06,828
Oh, well, uh, I-I
closed my office.

125
00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:09,178
Uh, I'm actually
semi-retired.

126
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:10,527
Uh, I-I do philanthropic work

127
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:13,051
out in Malibu with
a billionaire.

128
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,053
We, uh... we run
a sanctuary.

129
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,359
What kind?

130
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,230
Uh, you know,
the homeless,

131
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,277
unemployed middle-aged men,
lesbian alcoholics, the usual.

132
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:22,974
That's nice.Mm-hmm.

133
00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:25,542
Well, um, maybe
you'd make a house call

134
00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:27,283
if that's not too weird?

135
00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:29,590
No weirder than
me dating a dude.
[chuckles]

136
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,246
Oh. Somebody's been
sneaking the cider.
What?

137
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,337
What? Really?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.

138
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,473
Hey.

139
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,345
Hey.

140
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:51,438
Looks like someone's celebrating
the 12 steps of Christmas.

141
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,354
Yeah, well, I've had
a tough morning.

142
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,094
You want to
talk about it?

143
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:57,226
Let's rap.

144
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,360
"Rap"?

145
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:04,364
You're like the creepy guidance
counselor I had in high school.

146
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,715
"Tell me all
about your lesbian experiences.

147
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:11,109
I can't help you
unless I know every detail."

148
00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:13,155
God, I hated her.

149
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:15,549
She was good in bed, though.

150
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:18,465
Really? Tell me about it.

151
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:21,163
I can't help you unless
I know every detail.

152
00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,559
Oh, come on. You're
a relationship guy, right?

153
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,299
I don't know. I mean,
I-I do believe

154
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,214
there is someone out
there for everyone.

155
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,391
I'm just terrified that
my someone is Alan.

156
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:34,306
So... [clears throat]
how do you know

157
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:37,309
when you want to be
in a relationship?

158
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,181
The first sign is that
you start asking people,

159
00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:42,663
"How do you know when you
want to be in a relationship?"

160
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,099
Oh, God.

161
00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:45,317
Sick of plucking
yourself already?

162
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,844
Is it the, uh, girl
from yesterday?

163
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:51,846
Yeah.

164
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,978
Brooke.

165
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,763
Why don't you just call her?

166
00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:58,853
No. No. I'm the girl
that gets called.

167
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,985
I don't do the calling.

168
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,248
Oh, my God, she gave you
a fake number.

169
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:08,384
It's possible she lives in the
back of a Mexican restaurant.

170
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:10,821
Hey, look,
if you really like this girl,

171
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:13,389
look her up on Facebook
and send her a message.

172
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:16,392
Oh, or... send her a picture
of your boobs.

173
00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,263
That's desperate.

174
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:22,180
Besides, she already
has a picture of my boobs.

175
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:26,184
Or the busboy in the back of
the Mexican restaurant has it.

176
00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:28,186
All right, look.

177
00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:30,362
Sometimes in life

178
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,277
you have to take a risk

179
00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:34,279
and put yourself out there.

180
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:35,280
Sometimes it doesn't work.

181
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:39,023
But sometimes it does.

182
00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,938
And sometimes

183
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,375
it works so well that you
end up proposing to them

184
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,160
and they say no

185
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:48,859
and all you're left with
is a custom designed ring

186
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:52,950
that you can't return whose
very existence mocks you.

187
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,824
[exhales]

188
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,348
You want to rap about it?

189
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:01,437
Shut up!

190
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:05,093
I will have this set up
in a sec.

191
00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:08,357
[loud cracking]Oh! My back.

192
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:10,185
Oh, my God, are you okay?

193
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:11,665
[cracking][chuckles]

194
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:12,535
Little chiropractor humor.

195
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,060
I call it "cracking you up."

196
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,367
Hop on up.

197
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,891
How long have you and Paula
been dating?

198
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:22,719
Oh, just a-a couple
of weeks.

199
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:25,417
You know, still holding hands,
running the water while I pee.

200
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,463
How long were you
and Paul together?

201
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,204
20 years.

202
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:32,555
Wow. That's pooping
while the other one showers.

203
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:35,079
Uh, so, uh, Paul's change

204
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,385
must have been
a big adjustment for you.

205
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:39,344
Oh, I was pretty
angry at first.

206
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:42,260
When he said he wanted to become
a woman, I grabbed a knife

207
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:45,133
from the kitchen and offered
to do the surgery myself.

208
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,264
Woop!
[chuckles]

209
00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:48,179
Baggage just stowed for takeoff.

210
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:50,530
Um, at least the two of you are
in a healthy place now.

211
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:53,141
Oh, it's not easy.

212
00:08:53,228 --> 00:08:54,708
Can you imagine
how annoying it is

213
00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:56,797
that she's a better-looking
woman than I am?

214
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,450
And the boobs, by the way,

215
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,017
exact copies of mine.

216
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,845
Well, I think
you're both very beautiful,

217
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:05,066
and, uh...
and kudos on the boobs.

218
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:06,546
Would you mind working
a little lower?

219
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,678
Oh, sure. Let's, uh...

220
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,114
let's narrow it down
to the lumbar region.

221
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:12,943
Uh, where does it hurt?
Uh, L5? L4?

222
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,423
Lower.

223
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:16,556
Okay, we're into
the-the sacral region.

224
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,733
Uh, that's S2. S3?

225
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:22,039
A-A little lower.

226
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,563
Okay.

227
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:25,956
Uh, I believe
we are out of the S's

228
00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:27,436
and into the asses.

229
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:30,004
How does that feel?

230
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,615
Uh, like the tension
has moved out of your back

231
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:34,748
and into my pants.

232
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,663
I'm sure
this is wildly inappropriate,

233
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,882
but I'm very attracted to you.

234
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:41,450
Well, I'm-I'm flattered.
Uh-uh, it's just that...

235
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,495
I'm dating your ex-husband.

236
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:47,674
Boy, that was a weird thing
to hear yourself say.

237
00:09:47,761 --> 00:09:49,676
I understand.

238
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:52,809
Let me know if you
change your mind.

239
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,639
You do realize your hand
is still on my ass.

240
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:58,510
I do.

241
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,338
Still there.

242
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:03,211
I'm just glad you don't know
where my other hand is.

243
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,652
Hi. So, I have you down for

244
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,959
the total bro-zilian wax.

245
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,525
Yeah, I wasn't really sure
which one to choose.

246
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,484
It was either that
or the Butt Reynolds.

247
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:18,008
Wait, don't I know you?

248
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:20,271
Yeah, I'm Walden.

249
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,926
Hang on. Did you chase me out
of your house the other day

250
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:26,364
for banging your wife?
'Cause she came on to me.

251
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:28,497
No, uh, you hooked up
with my friend Jenny.

252
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,281
Uh, we live in Malibu.

253
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:32,719
Oh, yeah, yeah, Jenny.
Yeah, she was a lot of fun.

254
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:33,633
Oh-oh, God,
does she have herpes?

255
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,635
Is that why you're here?

256
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:38,376
[chuckles]
No, that is not why I'm here.

257
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:39,508
Actually, I wanted
to see if you...

258
00:10:39,595 --> 00:10:40,596
Ow!

259
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:43,904
Oh!

260
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,166
[panting]

261
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:46,689
Okay. Oh, my God.

262
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,169
How 'bout a little
heads-up next time?

263
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:49,083
Okay, heads-up.

264
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:52,826
Hey!
[panting]

265
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,959
So, why are you here?

266
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:57,482
Uh, well... [laughs]

267
00:10:57,569 --> 00:11:00,094
Well, um, my-my
friend Jenny--

268
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:01,922
she thinks that
you're really cool.

269
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:03,488
And this is
kind of awkward.

270
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,273
I don't really know
how to say this.

271
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,840
Take her out again!

272
00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:08,711
Yeah, I don't know.

273
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,800
I mean, I like
to keep it casual.

274
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,541
Lesbians get too attached,

275
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:16,327
and then somebody always
ends up screaming or crying.

276
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,025
[screams, crying]

277
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,809
I get that.

278
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:22,072
Um, uh, but
here's the thing.

279
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:23,334
Like,

280
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:24,814
Jenny's really awesome,

281
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,816
and I think
if you took a chance

282
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:28,731
to get to know her
that you would really like her.

283
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,472
Yeah? I don't know.
Turn over.

284
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,257
What?

285
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:34,476
All fours, butt up.

286
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:36,565
Oh. This...

287
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:42,310
This reminds me of a horrible
prison nightmare I once had.

288
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:47,489
You know, I got to say,
if you're willing

289
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:49,665
to go through all
of this for your friend,

290
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:50,797
she must be all right, huh?

291
00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:53,147
Yeah.
I'll give her a call.

292
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,410
[sighs]
Okay.

293
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,150
This one's gonna hurt.

294
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:58,456
This one?

295
00:11:58,543 --> 00:11:59,631
[shouting]:
Mommy!

296
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,311
[sighs]

297
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,399
Whoa.

298
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,664
Some might say
that a guy who does this

299
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,537
out in the open wants
his housekeeper to catch him.

300
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:37,757
No, I-I... [sighs]

301
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,111
Oh, hey, Johnson and Johnson.

302
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:45,329
And Johnson.

303
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:47,418
[laughs]

304
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,683
Oh.

305
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,904
[laughs]

306
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,819
Hold on.

307
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:58,386
Weren't you the one
that called the house meeting

308
00:12:58,473 --> 00:13:00,214
about no more masturbating
in the kitchen?

309
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:01,693
No, I... I, uh...

310
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,958
I got groomed.

311
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,524
Actually,

312
00:13:06,611 --> 00:13:09,266
I went down to Brooke's salon...

313
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:10,790
and asked her if she would
go out with you again.

314
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,053
Are you insane?!

315
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,446
What, you think
I can't get my own dates?

316
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:16,839
Do I look like a child?

317
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:20,060
No, but thanks to Brooke, I do.

318
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:24,064
And thanks to me,

319
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,457
she wants to go out
with you again.

320
00:13:26,544 --> 00:13:28,503
She wants to go out
with me again?

321
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:29,547
What did she say?

322
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:30,853
You want to rap about it?

323
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:36,816
She said that she would call you
in a few days,

324
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:39,775
and that my balls
would stop burning by tomorrow.

325
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,255
Or wait.

326
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:43,910
Was it that she would call you
tomorrow,

327
00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,868
and my balls would stop burning
in a few days?

328
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,870
Let me know when she calls.

329
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:50,046
Okay?

330
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,874
Thank you. Thank you from
the bottom of my heart.

331
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:55,922
You are welcome
from the bottom of my scrotum.

332
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,143
[panting]

333
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:01,492
Wow. That was amazing.

334
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:02,711
[both laugh]

335
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,191
I got to tell you.

336
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:05,888
The guy who built your hoo-hah
is an artist.

337
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,542
Aw.

338
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:09,457
He's like van Gogh,
but instead of cutting off ears,

339
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,589
he's cutting off...
well, you know.

340
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:12,721
[sighing]

341
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:15,506
Hey.
What?

342
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,378
Can we talk about us?

343
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:18,770
Oh, God, can't I...
can't I just buy you something?

344
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,947
Well, gifts are
always welcome,

345
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:26,213
but, uh, I was just wondering
if we were exclusive.

346
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,128
Okay, look, Alan...

347
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:29,912
[panting]

348
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:31,783
...I like you, but I always...
I always promised myself

349
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:35,613
that if I had the courage
to become a real woman,

350
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,615
that that woman...

351
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:39,704
would be a total slut.

352
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:42,055
Okay, so-so...
so, just to clarify...

353
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,143
Mm-hmm.

354
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,972
...you... or me are free

355
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:48,322
to date anybody else,
anybody in the world?

356
00:14:48,409 --> 00:14:49,714
Yes.

357
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,412
Okay, if that's what you want.

358
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,501
[laughs]

359
00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:02,771
Oh, hey, you look great.

360
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:05,078
No, I don't.

361
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,993
I've tried on, like,
a hundred outfits.

362
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,212
Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie.

363
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:11,084
There was even a dark moment

364
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:13,521
where I was wearing
one of Alan's polos.

365
00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:15,523
Oh, actually,
they're called "polas."

366
00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:18,265
He buys them at a gas station.

367
00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:20,397
If you look close,
the guy's not playing polo.

368
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,225
It's a gardener riding a donkey.

369
00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,967
I'm a nervous wreck.

370
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:26,926
Oh, come on.
You're going to be fine.

371
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,101
Just be yourself.
Right.

372
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:32,453
Right. Right,
just be myself.

373
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,759
W.W.J.D.?

374
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:38,285
What would Jenny drink?

375
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,026
I don't think
that alcohol is the answer.

376
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:43,420
Well, clearly,
you don't know the question.

377
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:48,382
On vodka, on soda,

378
00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:51,254
on blender, on mixer!

379
00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:53,909
Okay, I'm just gonna go back
to blowing myself.

380
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:02,352
So, uh, did you ask Santa
for anything special this year?

381
00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:05,268
Oh, just someone
to stuff my stocking.

382
00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:07,270
Oh. Someone's on
the naughty list.

383
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:11,448
Well, I hope that won't keep me
from getting a nice big package.

384
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:13,450
Oh, don't you worry.

385
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:16,497
I'm sure Santa's got something
in his sack for you.

386
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:18,760
Ooh, look
who's on the naughty list now.

387
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:19,848
[laughs]

388
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,415
But you have to be careful

389
00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:23,199
about shipping rates
around the holidays.

390
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:25,419
You could pay extra
for a package that's oversized

391
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:26,942
or an irregular shape.

392
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:30,946
Rachel?

393
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,948
Paula?

394
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,995
Alan? What's going on here?

395
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,301
Uh, well, this is a...
an awkward coincidence.

396
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:39,955
It's not a coincidence.
I come here every Friday night,

397
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,913
and she knows it.Oh, this is completely innocent.

398
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,308
Oh, please. You're wearing
my screw-me pumps!

399
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:46,918
That's funny.
Uh, I have a screw-me pump, too.

400
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,009
I only need it
when I'm drinking too much.

401
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,796
All the women in the world,
and you have to pick my ex-wife?

402
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:57,277
Uh, first of all,
I don't actually get to pick.

403
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,670
I'm more of a
take-what-comes kind of guy.

404
00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,803
Besides, you said
we weren't exclusive.

405
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,805
Oh.
Yeah, he can date
whoever he wants.

406
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:05,241
Okay, you only brought him here
to make me jealous.

407
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,113
Oh, please. Don't
flatter yourself.

408
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,463
Okay, let's all...
let's just calm down here.

409
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,334
Hey, I see it now.

410
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,944
You guys do have the same boobs.

411
00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:19,429
Jenny?

412
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:21,431
Are you okay?

413
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,477
I'll be right there.

414
00:17:25,653 --> 00:17:28,177
Can you knock again
so I can find the door?

415
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:29,787
Okay, I'm coming in.

416
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:31,311
Hey.

417
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:32,616
Hey, Walden!

418
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:33,661
Are you drunk?

419
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:37,099
No, I only had one drink.

420
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,319
Okay, I went to a lot
of trouble for you,

421
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:41,799
and you are going
on this date.

422
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,758
Why do you care so much?

423
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,847
Well, I can give you
a bro-zilian reasons why.

424
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:47,675
Now, come on.

425
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,894
Let's get you
sobered up.Okay, let me just use

426
00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:51,374
the bathroom
real quick.

427
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:53,985
Jenny?

428
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:54,943
That's not the bathroom.

429
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,076
Too late.

430
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,949
How could you do this to me?

431
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:03,821
It hurts losing the man of
your dreams, doesn't it?

432
00:18:03,908 --> 00:18:05,780
Please. Alan is not
the man of my dreams.

433
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:07,347
He's just the only guy
who didn't think

434
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:09,436
an inside-out wiener
was a deal breaker.

435
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:13,788
I've also been told
I have nice eyes, but okay.

436
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:16,965
Well, you werethe
man of my dreams.

437
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:17,966
Don't you see
what's going on here?

438
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:20,795
You still care for her,

439
00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:22,927
and you're just trying
to make her jealous

440
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,146
by dating a sexy, handsome,
well-endowed man.

441
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,368
I do still have feelings
for you.

442
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,326
And you still have feelings
for her,

443
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,807
despite taking a lover whose
charm and wit is only matched

444
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:34,722
by his unbridled passion
in the boudoir.

445
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,768
I do miss you.

446
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:39,379
I miss you, too.

447
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,033
Oh, how nice is this?

448
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,166
You two should kiss.

449
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,255
Come here.

450
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:51,217
You two are probably gonna want
a picture of this.

451
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:58,137
Let's get some
coffee in you.

452
00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:03,881
Okay, I'll have
a half-caff Zach Braff.

453
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,885
[snoring]
Oh.

454
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:09,148
Perfect.

455
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,062
[doorbell rings,
Walden scoffs]

456
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,239
It's a tale as old as time.

457
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:16,894
Don't wax your ass to help
your roommate's lesbian niece.

458
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:19,767
Hey, Waldo!

459
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:23,814
Hi, Baldo.

460
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:27,340
Brooke, are you drunk?

461
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,255
No, I'm merloaded.

462
00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:32,083
You drank
that whole bottle yourself?

463
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,783
It's okay. I'm gonna
eat later. Shh.

464
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:39,961
Come on.

465
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:42,485
I'm sorry.

466
00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:45,271
I never do second dates,

467
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:48,012
and I was nervous
'cause I really like Jenny.

468
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,231
Hello. Hey, there's Jenny!

469
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:52,191
Okay, nap date.

470
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,193
Uh, good idea. Mm.

471
00:19:56,673 --> 00:19:58,632
How cute.

472
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:01,939
It's like two drunk,
gay puppies.

473
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,206
Ah. They're gonna want
a picture of this later.

474
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,949
♪ Men. ♪

475
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:19,957
WALDEN:
'Twas the night
before Christmas

476
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:23,613
when all down the beach
not a creature was stirring,

477
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,311
not even a leech.

478
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:28,966
Alan was nestled,
all snug in his bed,

479
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:32,796
while visions of lesbians
danced in his head.

480
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:36,757
Brooke and Jenny were sleeping,
a long winter's nap,

481
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:39,934
surrounded by bottles
with nary a cap.

482
00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:41,805
Jenny was nervous
and frightened,

483
00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:44,025
but took a big chance.

484
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:48,116
She let Brooke in her heart,
as well as her pants.

485
00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:51,554
While Berta in her vest
and I in my hattie

486
00:20:51,641 --> 00:20:53,948
had just baked our brains out

487
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:57,038
with a big Christmas fatty.

488
00:20:57,125 --> 00:21:00,824
We started to doze,
we hadn't a care.

489
00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:04,219
Happy Christmas to all.
My balls have no hair.

490
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:06,177
Captioning sponsored by
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491
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,310
and TOYOTA.

492
00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:08,919
Captioned by
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