1
00:00:03,699 --> 00:00:04,961
[footsteps approach]

2
00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:06,702
You, uh, got a minute, boss?

3
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:08,530
Actually, I'm kind of busy.

4
00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:10,880
I'm pushing new code on an API
for this e-comm platform.

5
00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:12,577
"I am from the future.

6
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,927
I am a handsome robot."

7
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,712
Look, I-I wouldn't
bother you with this

8
00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:17,713
if I didn't think
it was important.

9
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,193
Okay. Just make it quick.

10
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,629
That's my specialty.

11
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:20,977
Ask any woman
I've ever been with.

12
00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:25,764
I will call them both.

13
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:26,852
What do you got?

14
00:00:26,939 --> 00:00:29,942
Behold your new

15
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,075
coffee mug.

16
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:34,338
[imitates crowd cheering]

17
00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:36,297
What?

18
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,255
Remember? You asked me to look
for new mugs for your office.

19
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,474
What do you think?

20
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:40,997
Well, there's a hole on the top

21
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:42,216
and no hole on the bottom.

22
00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,347
Nailed it.

23
00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:44,957
Thanks.

24
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:45,741
Uh, so, uh, what do you want
written on it?

25
00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:47,134
Written on it?

26
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:48,396
Uh, your choices are

27
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:49,658
"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."

28
00:00:49,745 --> 00:00:51,877
I don't know. Just...
Joe.

29
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:53,488
Excellent choice.

30
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:55,881
Although... what if
you hire a guy named Joe?

31
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,666
I-I think the temptation
for these mugs

32
00:00:57,753 --> 00:00:59,798
to walk out the door
is a little too high.

33
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:01,757
Fine.
Just write "Coffee" on it.

34
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,237
Great!
Uh, coffee in the mug,

35
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:05,326
and coffee on the mug.
Love it!

36
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:06,762
Oh, uh...

37
00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:07,763
but, uh, let me run
this past you:

38
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,156
"Java the Mug."

39
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:12,942
You know, because of Star Wars.

40
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:14,813
Stop!

41
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:15,945
Right.
Right.

42
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,599
You're busy.
[laughs]

43
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:18,861
Oh! Uh, one
last thing.

44
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:20,558
Oh, good God!
Alan,

45
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:22,212
I hired you as my assistant

46
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:23,735
so I don't have to think
about things like this.

47
00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:25,172
Oh, yeah, I know,

48
00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:26,608
but I want to do
a good job for you.

49
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,000
I mean, you're gonna look
at this every day

50
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,089
and I don't want you
to hate it.

51
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,090
That does happen with things

52
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,917
I look at every day.

53
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,745
Okay, so one
final question:

54
00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:36,792
do you want your mug to be
left-handed or right-handed?

55
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:41,927
You're kidding, right?

56
00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:43,842
No, some people hold 'em
in their left hand,

57
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:46,018
some people hold 'em
in their right hand.

58
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:49,544
Mm-hmm.

59
00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:55,811
[dramatic gasp]
Wow.

60
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:57,465
Okay. Okay.

61
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,728
Changing your mug
from "World's Greatest Boss"

62
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,556
to "World's Smartest Boss."Okay.

63
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,253
I'm gonna go pee.

64
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:05,125
Oh, oh, as long as you're
in the bathroom, uh,

65
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,910
I left three different types of
toilet tissue in there for you.

66
00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:10,173
Uh, let me know
which one is best.

67
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:14,177
Oh! And the brown one
is not a joke.

68
00:02:14,264 --> 00:02:16,136
"Hire me, Walden.
I can be your assistant."

69
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:18,225
You know what your mug should
say? "World's Worst Employee."

70
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:24,187
Oh, World's Second
Worst Employee.

71
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,896
Hey, nap time's over.

72
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,246
I'm not napping.

73
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,899
I threw my back out.

74
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,814
My God, are you okay?
What happened?

75
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:46,731
It seized up when I was climbing
into your bed to take a nap.

76
00:02:46,818 --> 00:02:48,472
Okay, uh,
everything's gonna be okay.

77
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:50,431
Just... relax.

78
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:52,041
Alan, get up here!

79
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:53,477
Why are you calling Zippy?

80
00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:55,044
He's a chiropractor--
he can help.

81
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:56,524
[laughs]
Oh, stop.

82
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:59,222
It hurts when I laugh.
[chuckles] Oh.

83
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,268
Has this happened before?

84
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,444
Once. At a bike rally
in Sturgis.

85
00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:05,576
Me and a couple of Hells Angels
decided to drop acid

86
00:03:05,663 --> 00:03:08,492
and get naked.

87
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:10,799
Alan!

88
00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:12,192
What's going on?

89
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:13,367
Is something wrong?

90
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:14,803
Berta threw her back out.

91
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,544
Oh, no. What should we do?

92
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,198
Well, I called
a chiropractor.

93
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:19,460
Great.

94
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:22,593
Oh, me! Oh...

95
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,029
Duh.
[chuckles]

96
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:25,379
Well, uh, let's see
what we got here.

97
00:03:25,466 --> 00:03:27,032
Where's the pain?

98
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,470
Standing in front of me
asking stupid questions.

99
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,646
Berta, be nice.
Alan's a doctor.

100
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,778
[laughing]:
Oh. Oh.

101
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,171
Yes, yes, ha-ha.

102
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:36,651
But I can help you.

103
00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:38,653
Although I am legally
obligated to tell you

104
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,176
my license has expired.

105
00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:42,004
But thankfully backs
haven't changed that much

106
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:43,397
since my unsuccessful
board review.
[chuckles]

107
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,356
So, uh, you can't
move at all?

108
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:48,315
Every time I do,
it tightens up more.

109
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:49,925
Oh, sounds
like a classic back spasm.

110
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,840
You probably just need
bed rest and ice, uh,

111
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,407
but, just in case, let me see
if you need a spinal adjustment.

112
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:56,366
Touch me and you die.

113
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:59,935
[quietly]:
She may also need
an attitude adjustment.

114
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,807
Okay, I'll call my doctor and
have him come take a look.

115
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,592
[scoffs]
Western medicine. He'll probably
just prescribe pain killers.

116
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,811
Call him.

117
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:09,161
I will. In
the meantime,

118
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,206
you stay here as
long as you need.

119
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,729
I'll take the guest room.

120
00:04:11,816 --> 00:04:14,993
Why? My back's out
but my front still works.

121
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,475
Be like Sturgis all over again.

122
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:20,521
[chuckles]
Oh...

123
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:23,828
Morning.

124
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,090
Hey.

125
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:27,702
Hey, were you alone last night?

126
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:28,833
Yeah, why?

127
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,141
Because from 11:15 to 11:22,

128
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:34,230
all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,

129
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,972
that's the way Daddy likes it."

130
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:42,064
Oh, um...

131
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:45,067
Uh, right, the-the walls
are really thin,

132
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:46,982
uh, between my bedroom
and the guest room,

133
00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:48,549
and I-I was watching TV.

134
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,725
Hmm.

135
00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:53,641
So the same show
came on again at 1:30

136
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:55,599
and then again at 4:15?

137
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:56,687
Huh.
[scoffs]

138
00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:59,908
Weird.
[chuckles]

139
00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:00,648
Can I ask you something?

140
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:01,649
Mm-hmm.

141
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:05,435
What is wrong with Daddy?

142
00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:08,046
He's lonely, okay?

143
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,266
Can you just let it go?

144
00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:12,137
I should ask you
the same question.

145
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,706
What are you doing?

146
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:17,752
Well, since Berta
is incapacitated,

147
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,537
I have taken the initiative to
design and build a chore wheel.

148
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,278
What is a chore wheel?

149
00:05:22,365 --> 00:05:24,541
It is a wheel with a variety
of chores on the outside

150
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,326
and names on the inside.

151
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:27,675
I got the idea
from my brother Charlie,

152
00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,459
who had a whore wheel.

153
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,811
The only name on it is "Walden."

154
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:36,684
Ah, that's because it was my
chore to make the chore wheel.

155
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:39,251
And your
first chore

156
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,644
is...

157
00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:42,254
"cleaning Alan's room."

158
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,691
[sucks air through teeth]
Ooh.

159
00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:47,477
That's gonna be tough
after last night.

160
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:50,350
Maybe you should
have Daddy do it.

161
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:56,617
Whoa, somebody found my stash.

162
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:59,010
Wasn't hard.
It was right here in this box

163
00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:02,144
that says "Not Pot."
[chuckles]

164
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:03,841
Very clever.

165
00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:05,582
I didn't want anybody
to find my pot.

166
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,236
I was about to write, uh,

167
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:10,457
"This Box Contains
Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"

168
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:11,936
but then I thought,
"What if this magic marker

169
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:14,461
"is actually magic
and it turns my pot

170
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:16,811
into poisonous jumping bugs?"

171
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,552
[chuckles]

172
00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:20,336
I was really high.

173
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:21,729
Uh, you know, I-I really
don't think it's a good idea

174
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:24,645
to mix marijuana
with muscle relaxers.

175
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,516
Oh, those pills are long gone.

176
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,039
What? You had a good
two weeks' worth.

177
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:30,825
Or a great one night's worth.
[chuckles]

178
00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,914
Oh, bacon.

179
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,611
You guys take
such good care of me.

180
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:37,266
That's because
you take good care of us.

181
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:40,051
That's because I love you guys.

182
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:42,097
I love you more. Shh!

183
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:43,881
How's your back feeling?

184
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,317
Actually, a lot better.

185
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,842
I think I'm ready
to go back to work.

186
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:49,321
Oh, really?
So you can get up?

187
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,323
Absolutely.
[chuckles]

188
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,325
Am I up?

189
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,326
No.

190
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,067
Damn.

191
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,634
How 'bout now?

192
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,898
Yep, looking good.

193
00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:02,683
Told you.

194
00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:05,729
Hey! Bacon!

195
00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:11,866
Why do these have windows?

196
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,914
I don't need to see inside.

197
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,526
I trust 'em to wash
and dry the clothes.

198
00:07:19,613 --> 00:07:20,962
You know,
when you think about it,

199
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:23,268
a lot of appliances
have windows.

200
00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:24,052
Ovens,

201
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:27,577
microwaves.

202
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:31,407
Wait a minute. Are we watching
them or are they watching us?

203
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:34,236
Got a little contact high
in there with Berta,

204
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,412
did you?
Shh!

205
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,022
[whispers]:
Not in front of the washer.

206
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,419
Hey, how old do you think
Berta is anyway?

207
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:46,422
I don't even know
her last name.

208
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:50,252
You know, I'm just thinkin',
I mean, she hurt her back.

209
00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:52,080
It's taking her
a while to recover.

210
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,952
I mean, maybe this job's just
getting to be too much for her.

211
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:55,953
Really?

212
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,389
Yeah, I don't know.

213
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,782
I mean, she's not getting
any younger,

214
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:00,567
and it's a pretty
labor-intensive job.

215
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:05,615
Why in the world do you wear
boys' husky underwear?

216
00:08:05,702 --> 00:08:08,096
Okay, you know how some
people trim the hedges

217
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:08,705
to make the
tree look bigger?

218
00:08:16,017 --> 00:08:21,849
Well, I say stuff the tree
in a smaller yard.

219
00:08:21,936 --> 00:08:24,112
Well, when the police
raid the house

220
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:25,940
and find a drawer full
of boys' underwear,

221
00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:27,942
that's not gonna be good
for any of us.

222
00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:29,726
Neither is a drawer full of pot.

223
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:33,948
That's why I wrote
"Not Pot" on it.

224
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:36,733
So are you saying you think
it's time for Berta to retire?

225
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:39,127
I don't know.
Everyone slows down eventually.

226
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:41,477
Mmm, maybe you're right.

227
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:44,698
Maybe it's time to put
the old girl out to pasture.

228
00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:48,310
Send her off
to the housekeeper farm upstate.

229
00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:50,834
That might not be the best way
to tell her.

230
00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:53,228
What? The-the farm
is a beautiful place.

231
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:56,884
She can run out in the fields
with all the other housekeepers.

232
00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:59,626
There's sponges
and fabric softener

233
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:02,106
as far as the eye can see.

234
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:05,980
And the only dishes left in
the sink are made of chocolate.

235
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:09,461
I may be a little
stoned, too.

236
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,726
You ever hear
about the roommate farm?

237
00:09:15,859 --> 00:09:17,600
Berta.

238
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,646
We got a little surprise
for you.

239
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:22,039
Chuck Norris?

240
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:25,565
Fried chicken,
cheesecake and beer.

241
00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:29,307
That's what my first husband
requested for his last meal.

242
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,092
Am I dying?

243
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,397
Oh, don't be silly.

244
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:33,877
Do you like farms?

245
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:35,357
What?
WALDEN:
Oh.

246
00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:38,621
I-I think what he's trying
to say is,

247
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:41,842
have you ever thought about
hanging up the old toilet brush?

248
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:46,063
Raising that vest up
to the rafters?

249
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,891
Oh, my God, you're firing me.

250
00:09:47,978 --> 00:09:49,980
[chuckles]
No. I-I would
never fire you.

251
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,330
I'm talking about retirement.

252
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:53,723
Just kicking back,

253
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,551
taking it easy,
getting high every day.

254
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,901
I do that now.

255
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:01,078
Besides, I can't afford
to retire.

256
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:03,124
Well, what about that
pension plan I set up for you?

257
00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:05,126
I'll tell you
what happened to it: life.

258
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,257
Your house needs a new roof,

259
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:08,564
your grandson needs braces,

260
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:11,567
your daughter's meth lab
explodes.

261
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:12,829
What were you planning
on doing,

262
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,614
working for the rest
of your life?

263
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,964
Nah, I thought about, uh,
getting a villa in Tuscany.

264
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:20,620
Then I said, "Nah,
I'll just hang around here

265
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,666
and clean the skid marks
out of Zippy's underwear."

266
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,845
How about this?

267
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:31,805
What if you could make
the same money you're making now

268
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,894
and never have to work again?

269
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,592
One last job? I like it.

270
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,289
Am I driving or shooting?

271
00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:39,987
No. You retire,

272
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:43,425
and I'll pay you for
the rest of your life.

273
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:45,557
You're gonna pay me
for doing nothing?

274
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,081
Yeah. I call it
the Alan Harper Plan.

275
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,606
Where's this coming from?

276
00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:53,957
Uh, we're-we're just...
worried about you.
Um...

277
00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:56,873
This is a tough job, especially
for a woman of your age.

278
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,832
What?

279
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:01,269
He said it's hard
for a woman your age
to do this job.

280
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,183
I heard him!

281
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,575
Oh.

282
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,534
I can do the job just fine.

283
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,841
Really? Because you
basically bent over

284
00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:10,495
and haven't been able to get
out of bed for two days.

285
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:13,020
So you just want to treat me
like some pathetic charity case

286
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:15,544
you can throw money at.

287
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,067
Oh, no-no one's saying
you're a charity case.

288
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,374
Although, I, on the other hand,

289
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,681
would be happy to be one
of Walden's Kids.

290
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,859
I'm just trying to do
something nice for you.

291
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:28,644
By giving me a handout?

292
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:31,299
Unlike you, I've worked for
every cent I ever made.

293
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:32,474
Excuse me?

294
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,302
You got rich from one idea.

295
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,260
You have no clue what it's like
to work for a living.

296
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:38,045
Okay, I am not gonna apologize
for being successful.

297
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:40,221
No, you are not,
my friend.

298
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,439
Shut up!
Shut up!

299
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:43,311
And please,
"work for a living"?

300
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:45,617
You hurt your back trying
to take a nap!

301
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,836
You know what?

302
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:48,751
I don't have to take this crap.

303
00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:49,926
Well, that makes two of us.

304
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,667
It's settled then. I quit.

305
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:54,365
Oh, no! Where am I gonna find
someone to eat my food,

306
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,499
smoke my pot
and sleep in my bed?!

307
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:58,543
Oh...

308
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,415
Shut up!

309
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,816
[sighs]
So what do you think?
Was I right, or what?

310
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,732
Yes, Helen is great.
Mm.

311
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,603
Although I still
don't understand

312
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,736
why we couldn't at least
interviewa topless maid.

313
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:19,129
Or four.

314
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:20,914
Will you forget
about the topless maids?

315
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:21,871
I will never forget
about the topless maids.

316
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,091
You saw the video.

317
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:27,442
"The only thing dirty
in your house will be me."

318
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,400
[door opening]

319
00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:30,619
Supper time, boys.

320
00:12:30,706 --> 00:12:32,055
Oh.
Oh.

321
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:34,884
Helen, this lemonade
is delicious.

322
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,495
That's because
I have a secret ingredient.

323
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:38,148
Oh, really?
What-What is it?

324
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:38,975
Love.

325
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,848
Aw!
Oh!

326
00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:42,936
And, like, a pound of sugar.

327
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:45,677
[sighs]

328
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,723
Hey, you still
miss Berta?

329
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,290
Miss Berta who?

330
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:52,075
Hey, maybe that's her
last name, "Who."

331
00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:53,947
More like, "Who Cares."

332
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,384
[laughter]

333
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:57,864
Oh, my God, look at this!

334
00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,866
And for dessert,

335
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:01,998
when your tummy
starts to rumble,

336
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:05,001
there's Helen's apple crumble.

337
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,133
[laughs]

338
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,048
Shut your mouth.

339
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,006
I won't.

340
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,573
You shouldn't.

341
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,401
[laughter]

342
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:14,924
The only thing Berta ever made
with an apple was a bong.

343
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:18,058
Oh, she sounds
like a hoot-and-a-half.

344
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:18,928
[laughter]

345
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,712
Well, enjoy, boys!

346
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:21,844
Oh, no, no, no, no,
come join us.

347
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:23,890
Oh.

348
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:28,546
Well, thank you very much.

349
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:29,591
Oh.

350
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:31,027
The only thing sweeter

351
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:34,857
than your manners
is my peach cobbler.

352
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:38,905
Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night.

353
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:42,299
Well, I will be a gobbler
of your cobbler.

354
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:45,085
I am gonna stitch that
on a pillow.

355
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,003
Oh, do you...
do you mind if I say grace?

356
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:53,093
Oh.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.

357
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,009
Uh, should I eat this unblessed
biscuit, or spit it out?

358
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:58,272
Dear Lord,

359
00:13:58,359 --> 00:14:00,970
we thank you for
the food that we are

360
00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,842
about to receive,
and all of the other blessings

361
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,931
that you have bestowed upon us.

362
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:07,672
Hmm. That was beautiful.

363
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:08,848
And we humbly ask

364
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,066
that you help Alan and Walden

365
00:14:10,153 --> 00:14:12,329
find the path to righteousness.

366
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:13,678
Wait.

367
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:14,505
What?

368
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,116
And lead them out

369
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:19,554
of their sinful
homosexual lifestyles...

370
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,557
...lest

371
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:25,777
their souls burn
in the fiery pits of hell

372
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:30,217
for all eternity
with all of the other Sodomites.

373
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:33,394
Amen. Can I get
some sweet potatoes?

374
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,483
Oh, sure.

375
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:37,659
Alan?

376
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,400
What? She already thinks

377
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:41,054
we're gobbling
each others' cobblers.

378
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,975
[humming]

379
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,411
When you're finished
with that dish,

380
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:51,847
just leave it,
and I'll take care of it.

381
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:52,630
Oh, thank you, Colleen.

382
00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:53,980
No problem.

383
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,852
I'm gonna go make the beds.

384
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:59,463
I don't want
to spoil the surprise,

385
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,813
but I'm pretty sure
she was carrying a little bag

386
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,250
♪ of pillow chocolates. ♪

387
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:04,991
I have to admit,
she's pretty terrific.

388
00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:07,471
Right? I mean, she's
a good cook, she's punctual.

389
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:09,038
She's accepting
of our lifestyle.

390
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:14,391
There is no lifestyle to accept.

391
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:16,045
But if things change,
it's nice to know

392
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:17,438
we won't lose
a great housekeeper.

393
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:21,007
[cell phone rings]

394
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:23,226
That's-that's not me.

395
00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:24,706
Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.

396
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:29,232
Um, Colleen?

397
00:15:29,319 --> 00:15:31,278
Oh, for the love of God,
just turn it off.

398
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,847
Oh, dear.

399
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,979
What?

400
00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:40,026
Look at this.

401
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,942
Oh!

402
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:45,988
Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for this.

403
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:48,034
I mean, she's a...
she's a single woman,

404
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,078
probably just trying
to protect herself.

405
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:51,124
So, what's this one for?

406
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:54,954
She has two guns?

407
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,087
Uh...

408
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,960
I count four...

409
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,049
and what looks like a shank.

410
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:06,226
Okay, you get to fire this one.

411
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,792
COLLEEN:
Did I hear my phone?

412
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:10,926
[screaming]

413
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:13,624
Alan has something
he'd like to tell you.

414
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,628
I think I made
a pillow chocolate

415
00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:20,109
in my boys' huskies.

416
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:23,069
Okay. Well,
our last housekeeper,

417
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:25,158
um, cleaned.
Mm.

418
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,943
And, uh, sometimes
cooked for us.

419
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:29,640
Is that something that
you're comfortable with?

420
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:30,990
Sure. What would you like me
to cook?

421
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,166
Oh, I-I don't know.

422
00:16:33,253 --> 00:16:35,995
For breakfast,
I like pancakes.
Mm-hmm.

423
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:40,434
Of course. Pancakes!

424
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:43,393
I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.

425
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,004
You see
an African-American woman,

426
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,614
and the first thing
you think is,

427
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,790
"Aunt Jemima going to whip us up
some flapjacks."

428
00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:50,139
WALDEN:
Oh!

429
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,401
No! No! No!
No, no. Um...

430
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,969
Do I need
to bring my own bandana,

431
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,058
or are you going
to supply me with one?

432
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:58,060
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
We just, uh...

433
00:16:58,147 --> 00:17:00,019
You know, we really
like pancakes.
Yeah.

434
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,151
But, you know, I suppose
waffles are-are fine.Yeah, waffles.

435
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:04,153
Chickenand waffles?

436
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,068
You know what? Let's...

437
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:08,723
Let's just forget
breakfast.

438
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,594
I'll just... I'll
just have coffee.

439
00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:11,247
How do you take it?

440
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,119
Bla...

441
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,253
I prefer tea.

442
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,910
Um, so, are you okay
with doing laundry?

443
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:24,173
Yeah. And I suppose
you want me

444
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:28,047
to separate the whites
from the colors.

445
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,094
Um, but you are aware

446
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,227
you're applying for a
job as a housekeeper?

447
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:36,533
Oh, so, now I don't know
why I'm here?

448
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:39,145
Um, I'm not sure you do.

449
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:42,496
What?!
Okay, okay.
Let's...

450
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,281
Everybody just calm down.

451
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:47,240
Oh, so now I've got to calm down

452
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,503
just because I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia?!

453
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,115
Can you believe
these fools, Donny?

454
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:03,734
Okay, I think we have all
the information we need.

455
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:05,258
Mm-hmm.
Um... we'll
be in touch.

456
00:18:05,345 --> 00:18:08,478
Great.

457
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:10,828
Let me know
if you need any references.

458
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,050
Oh, you all have a lovely home.

459
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:17,096
[laughs]

460
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:21,883
Donny, come on now!

461
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,888
No, no. You know what?
I changed my mind.

462
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:28,585
I don't want to
talk to Berta.

463
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:30,326
Too bad. You wouldn't let
a topless maid make your bed,

464
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:33,068
and now you've got
to lie in it.

465
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:36,332
All right, well, I am
not going to apologize.

466
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:37,855
You won't have to.

467
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:39,509
She said if you made
an effort and came to her,

468
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:42,469
that she'd be more
than happy to apologize to you.

469
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:46,212
Zippy says you
want to apologize.

470
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:48,649
See what I did there?
Can we come in?

471
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,651
No, place is a mess.

472
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:53,784
I was a jerk
to my housekeeper, so she quit.

473
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,873
Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.

474
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,224
Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that
difficult to say you're sorry?

475
00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:00,574
It is when you have nothing
to say you're sorry for.

476
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:03,229
Are you that clueless?
You hurt my feelings.

477
00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:06,232
You hurt myfeelings,
andyou smoked all my pot,

478
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:09,235
so I had no way of not feeling
what I was feeling.

479
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,629
Okay, okay,
dialogue is good.

480
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:13,413
Now let's see if we can find
some common ground.

481
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,023
You're an idiot.

482
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:15,371
Agree.

483
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:21,682
Look, I... I...

484
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:24,946
was trying to help you
because I care about you.

485
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:27,514
Not because I see you
as a charity case.

486
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,777
And I'm sorry if you got
the wrong impression.

487
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:32,171
I'm sorry I overreacted.

488
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,216
Besides, I was so high,

489
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:37,001
I thought
you were a talking dragon.

490
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:44,531
It is really good stuff.

491
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:49,144
That's the stuff I give
my grandkids at Christmas.

492
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:52,582
It's funny 'cause I get it
from a guy named Jesus.

493
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:56,847
So, what do you say?
Will you come back?

494
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:58,893
I don't know.

495
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:01,200
You may be right.

496
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:04,246
I might not be able
to do everything I used to do.

497
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,596
Well, we'll work around it,
right?

498
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,729
Oh, absolutely.
What-whatever it takes.

499
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:10,600
Deal?

500
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:12,863
Deal.

501
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,822
Come on in, I'll make
you a cup of coffee.

502
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,258
[laughing]

503
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:23,309
Not funny!

504
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:24,397
Mm.

505
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:26,442
[laughing]

506
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:33,623
Still not funny!

507
00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,894
I'm glad you're back.

508
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:48,159
Me, too, and I really appreciate
you getting me some help.

509
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,118
It's the least
I could do.

510
00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:52,033
And I have to admit,

511
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:52,903
Alan was right about
hiring a topless maid.

512
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:55,079
Oh.

513
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:04,437
If it wasn't in the hamper,
it's not going in the washer.

514
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:06,743
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CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

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and TOYOTA.

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Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org