1 00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:03,394 ♪ Men.♪ 2 00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:05,092 Tell me, Henry, 3 00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,529 why do you want to be Mr. Schmidt's assistant? 4 00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:08,791 He's my hero. 5 00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,010 I know everything about him. 6 00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:13,100 "Possible stalker." 7 00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:17,452 And why do you think you're qualified? 8 00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:19,236 Like him, I graduated high school at 16. 9 00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:22,022 Then I completed the four-year computer science program 10 00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:23,588 at Harvard in just under two years, 11 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,460 during which, I founded an Internet startup, 12 00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,811 and I'm currently two semesters shy of my law degree. 13 00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:32,467 So, "no law degree." 14 00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:35,078 Let me tell you a few things 15 00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:36,340 about Walden Schmidt you may not know. 16 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:37,689 Uh, the man is a genius. 17 00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:39,561 I knew that. 18 00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:43,608 "Likes to interrupt." 19 00:00:43,695 --> 00:00:45,958 He thinks in a different way than the rest of us. 20 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,091 His mind is always working. 21 00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:49,832 Every time he opens his mouth, 22 00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:51,181 it's because he has something important to say. 23 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,052 WALDEN: Love the new toilet paper 24 00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,358 you bought, Alan. 25 00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:57,622 It's like sliding down a rainbow. 26 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,972 Except the pot at the end doesn't have any gold in it. 27 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,583 When you hear something this good, 28 00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:01,974 you should write it down. 29 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:04,716 I'm sorry. 30 00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:05,978 Who's this? 31 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,502 Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson. 32 00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,634 He's interviewing for the assistant job. 33 00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,767 Uh, assistant job? 34 00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:13,377 Hi, Mr. Schmidt. 35 00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:14,726 It's such an honor...[stuttering] 36 00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:15,988 Eye contact. 37 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,034 It's okay, Henry. 38 00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,864 [mouthing] 39 00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,779 Alan, can I talk to you for a second? 40 00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:25,824 Uh, no problem, Mr. Schmidt. 41 00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,350 "Hi"? Really? 42 00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,265 Not looking good, Hank. 43 00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,703 What's up? 44 00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:37,401 Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant 45 00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:39,795 when I just hired you to be my assistant? 46 00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,840 Oh, no, no, he's interviewing to be myassistant. 47 00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:42,972 Your assistant? 48 00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,669 Well, intern, actually. 49 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,367 He's not gonna cost us a penny, and he's gonna do 50 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,977 all the menial stuff I don't want to do. 51 00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:50,458 Well, why don't I just hire him for free 52 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,329 and cut out the middle man? 53 00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,157 And in case I'm going too fast, you're the middle man. 54 00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,767 But I'm the big picture guy. 55 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,160 See, bringing Henry on to Team Schmidt... 56 00:01:57,247 --> 00:02:00,250 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt? 57 00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,773 Yeah, I'm gonna get hats and shirts made. 58 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,166 Well, Henry is. 59 00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:04,776 We're gonna have a new slogan. 60 00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:06,604 "No bull-Schmidt." 61 00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,347 "Schmidt happens." 62 00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,741 You're a Schmidt head. 63 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:18,703 I hired you to be my assistant to help you out financially 64 00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,618 'cause you had close your chiropractic office. 65 00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:22,794 I didn't have to close it; I'm in a rent dispute. 66 00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:25,623 People in rent disputes don't fake their own death. 67 00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,408 [doorbell rings]Oh, I'll get that. 68 00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:29,627 You are looking good today, boss. 69 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,194 That's why he got good toilet paper. 70 00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:34,415 So my ass is clean while he's kissing it. 71 00:02:34,502 --> 00:02:36,243 Huh, my 12:00 must be early. 72 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,594 Someone who really wanted this job 73 00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:40,812 would've taken the initiative. 74 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,162 Too late, Harvard. 75 00:02:45,077 --> 00:02:46,731 Hello. 76 00:02:46,818 --> 00:02:48,994 Hi. You Alan Harper? 77 00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:50,996 Yes, I am. And, uh, and you are...? 78 00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:51,997 Your niece. 79 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,564 Eurniece? 80 00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:54,391 That's a... that's a pretty name. 81 00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:56,088 Is that Dutch? 82 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,612 No, I'm Jenny. 83 00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,004 I'm your brother Charlie's daughter. 84 00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:00,789 Uh, Henry?Yes? 85 00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:01,137 Catch me. 86 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,186 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 87 00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:09,841 ♪ Ooh ♪♪ Men. ♪ 88 00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,020 ♪ Men.♪ 89 00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:16,892 Uh, I'm-I'm sorry, 90 00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:20,112 did-did you say that you're... Charlie's daughter? 91 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,244 Yeah. 92 00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,333 Listen, I got a wicked hangover. 93 00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,945 You got any aspirin, ibuprofen, rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka? 94 00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:30,035 Uh, yeah, yeah, come on in. 95 00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:32,560 Uh, Henry, uh, get her an aspirin and vodka. 96 00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:33,952 On it! 97 00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:35,998 Kitchen's that way.Damn it! 98 00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,220 I-I can't believe this. 99 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,004 I mean, I can, but I-I can't. 100 00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,354 I mean, how did this happen? 101 00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:46,138 From what my mom told me... 102 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,750 Ooh, can we... can we maybe turn down the lights? 103 00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,839 That's the sun. 104 00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:53,494 Right, I hate the sun. 105 00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:57,324 It's like God calling you an alcoholic. 106 00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,892 Anyway, according to my mom, it was love at first sight. 107 00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,372 They met in a bar, 108 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,592 they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom. 109 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,812 [chuckles] It was like a freakin' Disney movie. 110 00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:12,904 Poke-a-hot-ass. 111 00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:16,343 And where did the kid go for the vodka? Poland? 112 00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,345 Look, I don't mean to be rude, 113 00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,695 but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter? 114 00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,653 I mean, this could be some kind of scam. 115 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:23,959 I have a picture of us together. 116 00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,440 It's in here somewhere. 117 00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:28,442 Oh, look. [laughs] 118 00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,094 My vagina. 119 00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,923 [chuckles] 120 00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,534 Oh, wait, that's not mine. 121 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,014 Oh, that's mine. 122 00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:38,800 [chuckles] 123 00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,410 Ah, there you go. 124 00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,630 This was taken at my fourth birthday party. 125 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,676 Just a heads up, I might vomit; where's the nearest bathroom? 126 00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:46,677 Oh, right down the hall. 127 00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:48,157 Okay, I think we're good, 128 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,724 but it's always nice to have a plan. 129 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,248 Anyway, this was party was the last time I saw him. 130 00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,945 After that, he just sent checks. 131 00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,991 He-he sent checks? 132 00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:57,819 Yeah, my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me, 133 00:04:57,906 --> 00:04:59,386 but he always made sure I was taken care of. 134 00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:02,214 He never said a word about any of this to me. 135 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,260 I'm his brother, his-his blood. 136 00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:05,348 Were they big checks? 137 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,742 Yeah, got one every month. 138 00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:09,047 Bastard. 139 00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:12,399 My mom just called me special. 140 00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:14,139 This Henry guy is awesome. 141 00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:16,490 Did you know I won a spelling bee in fifth grade? 142 00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:20,232 I didn't! 143 00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:25,673 Who's this, Henry's assistant? 144 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,371 Walden, this is Jenny, 145 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,460 my brother's daughter. 146 00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,984 Really? 147 00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,073 Hi. Hi. 148 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,902 I, uh, didn't know Charlie had a daughter. 149 00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:40,557 Neither did I. 150 00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:42,080 He sent her checks, big checks. 151 00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,040 Not that that matters now. 152 00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,216 [whispers]: Every month! 153 00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:50,437 Hey, am I related 154 00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,700 to Abercrombie & Fitch over here? 155 00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,919 No, I own the house. 156 00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:57,966 Oh. I assumed it was Alan's. 157 00:05:58,053 --> 00:06:01,143 So does he. 158 00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,101 So, uh, tell us more about you. 159 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,146 Not much to tell. 160 00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:06,017 I was born in New York, 161 00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:08,106 got kicked out of a few private schools, 162 00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,108 tried to become a doctor to make my mom happy, 163 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:13,547 dropped out, became an actress to piss her off. 164 00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:14,591 An actress, oh. 165 00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,071 Your father loved actresses. 166 00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:17,986 Yeah, I was only going to med school 167 00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,988 so I could write myself prescriptions for oxy. 168 00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:23,861 Oh, your father loved oxy. 169 00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,559 HENRY: Sorry it took so long. 170 00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:28,562 Here's vodka and two aspirin. 171 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,607 Thank God. Oh. 172 00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:35,786 I was wrong; I am gonna puke. 173 00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:38,006 Your father loved to puke. 174 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:41,183 ♪ Men.♪ 175 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,880 So, when I was, like, five, 176 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,622 my mom married this total loser named Rob. 177 00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:47,232 He moved in with us and never looked for a job, 178 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,974 but he's been sponging off of her ever since. 179 00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:52,020 Who does that? 180 00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,851 So, uh, how long you been in L.A.? 181 00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:57,982 Couple weeks. 182 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,593 And you got a place to stay? 183 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,508 He asks, knowing full well she's a Harper. 184 00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,424 Yeah, I'm crashing at a friend's house. 185 00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:05,903 That's great. Friends are great. 186 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,122 You should make some friends, Alan. 187 00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,255 So, just the two of you live here? 188 00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:12,954 Uh, well, my son, your cousin Jake, 189 00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:15,739 uh, used to live with us, but he's in the army now. 190 00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:16,914 Stationed in Japan. 191 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,916 Oh, that's impressive. 192 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,309 Because of the time difference, 193 00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,398 he thinks he lives in the future. 194 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:23,965 Maybe we can call him and find out 195 00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,923 when this headache's gonna go away. 196 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,882 Oh, and, uh, you have a grandmother. 197 00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,318 Oh, that's great! 198 00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,625 In theory. 199 00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,104 When she finds out she has a granddaughter, 200 00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:34,584 she's gonna have a heart attack. 201 00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,065 You know, I'm gonna call her right now. 202 00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,763 ♪ Men.♪ 203 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:40,764 This is it. 204 00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,766 This was your dad's room. 205 00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,638 Wow. 206 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:48,032 I always tried to imagine what my dad's life was like. 207 00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:50,034 It's weird to finally see it. 208 00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:53,821 I never met him, but I heard he was quite a guy. 209 00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,519 I heard he was a drunken man whore. 210 00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:59,479 Like I said, quite a guy. 211 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:00,915 So, uh, 212 00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,612 this your and Alan's room? 213 00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:03,787 What? 214 00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:05,136 [chuckles]: No. 215 00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:06,877 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 216 00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:08,270 We're not... I'm not... 217 00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,272 The, um... really? 218 00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:12,840 You really don't think I can do better than Alan? 219 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,015 I don't know. 220 00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:16,147 Maybe he's got a huge schlong. 221 00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:20,064 Well, we're not a couple, and he doesn't. 222 00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:22,980 Which is fine. I mean, not that size matters. 223 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:23,764 Not that I was looking. 224 00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:25,069 I'm not gay. 225 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:28,464 So why is he still living here? 226 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,031 Well, at first... 227 00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:31,685 Then... 228 00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:32,250 I don't know. 229 00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:36,516 So, um, 230 00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:38,300 this is where your dad used to sleep. 231 00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:39,867 I got a new mattress, 232 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,652 and I replaced the carpets and the drapes 233 00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:46,743 and pretty much anything that could absorb fluid. 234 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:47,831 Wow. 235 00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,398 If these walls could talk. 236 00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:52,183 They'd probably say, "Can I get a towel?" 237 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,794 So, I mean, 238 00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:56,361 I wish there was more that Charlie left behind. 239 00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,625 You know, other than Alan. 240 00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,409 So... [sighs] 241 00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:05,022 my dad stood in this same spot, staring out at the ocean. 242 00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:06,197 I wonder what was going through his mind. 243 00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,156 I wonder what he was thinking. 244 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,811 Besides, of course, 245 00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:14,641 "how can I nail those two hot surfer chicks out there?" 246 00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:17,078 Huh, now I'm thinking it. 247 00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,167 Oh, please. 248 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:22,649 With your looks and this house, I'm sure you do fine. 249 00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,607 Well, you'd think that, but the truth is, 250 00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,783 when it comes to women, I've never really been much 251 00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,219 of a casual sex kind of guy. 252 00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:29,569 And every time I do get close to one, 253 00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,483 she ends up pulling away from me, 254 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,311 and then I wind up back in this room, 255 00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:36,619 thinking where I went wrong again. 256 00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,315 Alone. 257 00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:41,145 So alone. 258 00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,237 [sighs] 259 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,414 Oh, yeah. 260 00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,503 [chuckles] You're not gay. 261 00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,159 Mom, I have some news for you. 262 00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:58,249 Sit down. 263 00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:00,687 Okay, push him off and sit up. 264 00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,820 Um, I know this is gonna come as quite the shock, 265 00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:06,344 but it turns out Charlie has a daughter. 266 00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:11,306 Mom? Mom? 267 00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,830 Are you dead? 268 00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,136 Oh, good. 269 00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:17,312 Um, no, I know. 270 00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:18,966 I know, it's crazy, right? 271 00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:20,663 Yeah, no, she's here now. 272 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,752 Well, well, come on over. 273 00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:25,059 Okay, finish first and then come over. 274 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,932 Good news. Uh, my mother's on her way over. 275 00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,413 First time I've ever said that. 276 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,676 Wow, insta-family. 277 00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:35,678 Uncle, grandmother, 278 00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,245 step-hot-guy. 279 00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:38,289 I'm sorry, I don't know what to call you. 280 00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:40,291 Oh, step-hot-guy works. 281 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:43,468 All that's missing is my dad. 282 00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,209 Actually, he's here, too. 283 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:48,038 Um, follow me. 284 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:49,779 Uh, where are we going? 285 00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,694 Uh, well, you know how sailors get buried at sea? 286 00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:54,044 Yeah.I keep Charlie in the liquor cabinet. 287 00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:56,743 Let's see. 288 00:10:56,830 --> 00:11:01,617 Uh, Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's... 289 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:02,313 Charlie Harper. 290 00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:08,145 Huh, he looks different than his pictures. 291 00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:12,106 Um, Charlie, this is your daughter Jenny. 292 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,281 Hi, Dad! 293 00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:17,720 This seems weird. Does this seem weird to anybody else? 294 00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,027 Yes, it's weird. 295 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:23,291 Almost as weird as when we take him to the movies. 296 00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,036 Charlie, I wish you were here 297 00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:32,213 to see how beautiful your daughter turned out. 298 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,650 I-I think you'd be impressed. 299 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:35,259 I think a lot of... 300 00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:37,218 Oh! 301 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:40,003 [coughs] 302 00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,440 Oh, not again. 303 00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,442 I ain't cleaning that up. 304 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:53,364 ♪ Men.♪ 305 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:59,327 Oh. Oh, look. 306 00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:00,937 A quarter. 307 00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:05,289 Unbelievable. 308 00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:07,814 You even mooch off the dead. 309 00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:09,816 One more. 310 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,818 Yeah, you're Charlie's daughter. 311 00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,733 You don't seem very surprised. 312 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,474 Only surprised there aren't more of you running around. 313 00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:20,435 God, I loved your dad. 314 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,393 I remember the first time I met him. 315 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,917 He asked me if I knew how to do three things: 316 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:25,919 cook, clean and score an eight ball 317 00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:29,792 at 2:30 in the morning. 318 00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:32,882 I told him I didn't know how to cook or clean. 319 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:34,623 I've been here ever since. 320 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,059 [laughs] 321 00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,409 I'm-I'm sure you have a story about Charlie 322 00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:39,759 that doesn't involve drugs. 323 00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,892 Okay. One time at Mardi Gras... 324 00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:44,546 Or alcohol. 325 00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:45,895 All right. 326 00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,810 Once when Charlie was in Vegas... 327 00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:49,856 Or hookers. 328 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,945 Geez, you're really tying my hands! 329 00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,035 Okay, I got it. 330 00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:57,080 It was New Year's Eve, 331 00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,952 and Charlie was super not drunk, 332 00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:02,042 and he was with this crazy not hooker, 333 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:06,089 and he decided to have his sphincter bleached. 334 00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:07,961 Whoa! Whoa! What? 335 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,266 Why? 336 00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,878 Because he cared about women. 337 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:15,925 Unfortunately, it got infected, and he needed me 338 00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,928 [voice breaks]: to dab a little ointment... 339 00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,800 I'm sorry. 340 00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:24,107 It's just that I miss him so much! 341 00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:25,848 God took the wrong Harper! 342 00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,809 [door closes] 343 00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:32,463 EVELYN: Where is my granddaughter? 344 00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:34,335 Did it just get cold in here? 345 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:38,469 Oh, my God. 346 00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:39,993 Look at you. 347 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,690 Mom, this is Jenny. 348 00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:42,734 Jenny, 349 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,258 this is Evelyn. 350 00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:46,042 You are so beautiful. 351 00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:48,262 You remind me of me ten years ago. 352 00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:52,309 Your father was the apple of my eye. 353 00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:53,223 My greatest gift. 354 00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:55,356 My reason for living. 355 00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,314 Uh, hello. 356 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,057 Hello, Alan. 357 00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:05,540 I can't believe I finally have a grandchild. 358 00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,324 You already have a grandchild-- Jake. 359 00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:10,458 Oh. Sure. Yeah. 360 00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:13,765 So, Jennifer... 361 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,289 Actually, it's Jenny. 362 00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:17,073 Darling, you're not 12 anymore. It's Jennifer. 363 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,468 We are going to have so much fun together: 364 00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:24,080 lunching, shopping, taking care of those eyebrows. 365 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,691 Where are you staying while you're in town? 366 00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:28,302 I'm crashing on a friend's couch. 367 00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:30,695 Not anymore. You'll stay with me. 368 00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:33,133 Aw! I love you, Evelyn. 369 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,395 Whoa, whoa! If she's staying anywhere, 370 00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:35,657 she's gonna stay at my place. 371 00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,702 And by "your place," do you mean 372 00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:40,314 the office that you stopped paying rent at 373 00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,011 or the house that you've never paid rent at? 374 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,013 Look, I'm not gonna let my mom screw her up 375 00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,059 like she did me and Charlie. 376 00:14:46,146 --> 00:14:48,017 Hey! I was a good mother. 377 00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:50,585 No, you know who was a good mother? 378 00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,587 Our housekeeper Adela. She even breast-fed me. 379 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:55,242 She had just had a baby. 380 00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:57,635 And when the milk truck is parked on the street, 381 00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:00,508 you don't go to the grocery store. 382 00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:04,207 Besides, you-you used to gnaw on me. 383 00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:06,775 You're gnawer. 384 00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,733 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 385 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,693 You know what? She's gonna stay in Jake's room. 386 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,477 Whoa, whoa, no. 387 00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:16,045 I do not want Jake's room to become Jenny's room. 388 00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,352 You know, in fact, there is no Jake's room 389 00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:19,527 and there's no Jenny's room. 390 00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:21,050 There's just Walden's room. 391 00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,052 And Charlie's room. 392 00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:25,011 Why don't we let her decide? 393 00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,142 Yeah, yeah, it's up to her. 394 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:29,711 Is anyone listening to me?! 395 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,626 Jennifer? 396 00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:32,888 Where'd she go? 397 00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:36,500 Nice job, Alan. 398 00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:39,199 You made another woman disappear. 399 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:40,896 Can you believe her? 400 00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,898 What did I do to her to make her hate me so much? 401 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,726 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 402 00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:47,598 Oh, oh. What, you, too? 403 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:50,079 Oh! 404 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:51,994 Son of a... 405 00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:53,169 Ooh, a nickel! 406 00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,650 ♪ Men.♪ 407 00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,478 This is ridiculous. 408 00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:58,958 We're never going to find her. 409 00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,829 I don't understand why she ran off like that. 410 00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:02,309 I can think of two reasons. 411 00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:08,968 First I lost my Charlie, now I've lost my Jennifer. 412 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,795 You still have your Alan. 413 00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:13,015 Oh! Don't make it worse. 414 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,932 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 415 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:21,937 Oh, God, my granddaughter's gone forever. 416 00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:24,809 Oh, there she is at the bus stop. 417 00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:28,422 Oh, God, my granddaughter rides the bus! 418 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,081 Jenny, what are you doing? 419 00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:37,866 I'm trying to get away from you people. 420 00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:39,607 Look, I just wanted to see where my dad lived. 421 00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,087 I didn't want to screw up your family. 422 00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:42,784 Uh, for the record, 423 00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:44,046 they were screwed up long before you got here. 424 00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,482 It's true. 425 00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,223 H-Hey, if I'm screwed up, it's your fault. 426 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,485 You raised me. 427 00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:50,835 I didn't raise you, Adela did. 428 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,838 Look, I already have a messed-up family. 429 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,057 I-I don't need another one. 430 00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:56,363 Oh, we're sorry. 431 00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,104 This is just how we express our love. 432 00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,149 Through hate. Oh, no, no, no. 433 00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:01,803 W-We don't hate each other. 434 00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:06,155 I mean, the truth is, my mother is an amazing woman. 435 00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,114 I mean, she-she raised two kids on her own, 436 00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,245 she's a successful businesswoman, 437 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:13,336 she has impeccable taste. 438 00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:15,034 Thank you, Alan. 439 00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,209 Oh, right. 440 00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:19,168 Uh, and Alan is... 441 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,258 the reason I had my tubes tied. 442 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:28,177 Because she knew she would never do better than me. 443 00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:32,834 Please, sweetheart, I just found you. 444 00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:34,357 I can't lose you now. 445 00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,880 We want you to be a part of our lives. 446 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,360 What do you say? 447 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,145 Well, if I'm gonna be a part of this family, 448 00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:42,017 I'm gonna need a drink. 449 00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,410 You hear that, Charlie? 450 00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:44,759 Your daughter needs a drink. 451 00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,936 You're looking the wrong way, Mom. 452 00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,546 ♪ Men.♪ 453 00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,854 A toast. To Charlie Harper. 454 00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:56,814 My brother, your son, your father, and your... 455 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,426 Guy who got hit by a train so I could buy his beach house? 456 00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:01,863 Sorry, Evelyn. 457 00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,343 It's okay. I got the commission. 458 00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:06,302 To Charlie. 459 00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:09,610 So, is that the bathroom 460 00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:12,047 where the miracle of my life began? 461 00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,136 It is. 462 00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:16,921 Want to see it? 463 00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,140 I do. 464 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,055 Text a picture of it to my mom. 465 00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,839 Should be good for some guilt money. 466 00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,928 I'll run interference. 467 00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:26,975 All right, everybody out! 468 00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:28,933 Woman visiting the place of her conception! 469 00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,763 I can't tell you how relieved I am 470 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,765 to finally have an heir. Mm. 471 00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:35,853 Wait, what? 472 00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:37,638 She's my granddaughter. 473 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,509 I want to provide for her. 474 00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,120 And since I wasn't around 475 00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,730 for the first 25 years of her life, 476 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,298 it's only fitting that she inherit my estate. 477 00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,691 You weren't around for the first 45 years of my life. 478 00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,563 You have Walden! 479 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,913 Oh, oh, do I? Do you see a ring on this finger? 480 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,523 Don't worry, darling. 481 00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,569 There's a little something for you in my will. 482 00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:56,483 A little something? 483 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:57,832 Look, if you knew 484 00:18:57,919 --> 00:18:59,616 you were gonna get everything, 485 00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:01,705 you would've smothered me with a pillow years ago. 486 00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,403 That is not true. 487 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:06,667 If I knew I had money coming, I'd hire a professional. 488 00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,105 How'd it go?Great. 489 00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:11,585 I laughed, I cried. 490 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:14,718 I peed. 491 00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,329 How are you guys doing over here? 492 00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:17,808 Can I get you anything else? 493 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,682 Yeah, we might need a designated driver 494 00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,423 to get us back to his beautiful beach house. 495 00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,383 I'll take you guys. I get off in 15. 496 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,256 Great. Thanks. 497 00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:33,346 She's cute. 498 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,261 Told ya. 499 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,437 Malibu beach house gets you laid every time. 500 00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,440 Not every time. 501 00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:45,619 ♪ Men.♪ 502 00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:49,100 Oh, my God, this house is amazing! 503 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,233 Well, it's... Yeah. 504 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,062 And look at that view. 505 00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,672 It's even better from the bedroom. 506 00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:56,804 Want to see? 507 00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:58,066 Yeah. 508 00:19:58,153 --> 00:19:59,285 After you. 509 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,026 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 510 00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:02,897 Where are you going? 511 00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:04,246 Up to show her. 512 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,248 Oh, you thought...? 513 00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:09,033 Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. 514 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,687 Next time I'll get two. 515 00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,825 What just happened? 516 00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:19,827 Charlie's back. 517 00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,481 ♪ Men.♪ 518 00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:27,704 ♪ Men.♪ 519 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:28,749 Good morning. 520 00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:30,359 No, no, not good. 521 00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,318 I slept in the guest room of my own house, 522 00:20:32,405 --> 00:20:34,755 and I'm pretty sure I still have some of your brother in my ear. 523 00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:36,931 Don't worry, tonight I'll tell Jenny 524 00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:38,149 that your bedroom's off limits. 525 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,542 No, there is no tonight! 526 00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:40,543 But she's family. 527 00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,066 Not my family. 528 00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:42,719 And I'm gonna tell her she can't stay. 529 00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:45,722 Morning. Hi. 530 00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,768 You girls have a good night? 531 00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:48,986 Oh, yeah. 532 00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:52,512 I'm surprised I can even talk. 533 00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:56,690 You were saying?Shut up. 534 00:20:56,777 --> 00:20:58,605 Captioning sponsored by CBS, WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 535 00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,607 and TOYOTA.