1
00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:03,916
[Jake]
Previously on
"Two And A Half Men."

2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,179
- Hello?
- Hey, dad.

3
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:07,050
Uh, this is my
girlfriend, Tammy.

4
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,356
Uh, Tammy, this is my dad, Alan.

5
00:00:08,443 --> 00:00:09,531
It's a pleasure to meet you.

6
00:00:09,618 --> 00:00:10,836
How did you two meet?

7
00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:12,360
A couple of us guys
from the base

8
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:13,883
went out drinking
and they bet me a hundred bucks

9
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,319
that I wouldn't get this tattoo

10
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:16,625
of two arms coming
out of my butt crack.

11
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,279
Oh, Jake, you didn't.

12
00:00:18,366 --> 00:00:20,629
- No, Tammy wouldn't let me.
- Thank you for that.

13
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,761
I took one look at his ass
and I thought

14
00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:25,547
I don't want to tattoo that,
I want to bite that.

15
00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:27,288
She's old enough
to have you as her kid.

16
00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:28,854
So what? You are, too.

17
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,813
I-I don't understand
why you're with Jake.

18
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:33,424
The bottom line is,
I think your son is terrific.

19
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:35,426
And I know what we have
isn't gonna last forever

20
00:00:35,513 --> 00:00:37,994
but it's what I want
in my life right now.

21
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,648
And I don't know when
the last time you had sex

22
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:42,955
with a 19-year-old boy was,
but it is a lot of fun.

23
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,395
♪ Men ♪♪

24
00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:50,398
What a nice surprise to have
you home for the weekend.

25
00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:53,792
- Well, it's good to be home.
- Okay.

26
00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:56,404
I hate to be the one to break
up this happy reunion

27
00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:59,363
but you both do realize
this is not your home.

28
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:03,324
He's cute.

29
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,413
He really is though.

30
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,589
So, uh, so what's going on?
Anything new in the army?

31
00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:09,286
Oh, did I tell you
I got promoted?

32
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:10,722
I'm in charge of three
other guys in the kitchen now.

33
00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:13,029
Wow! My son, the leader.

34
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,249
Yeah, it's awesome. They
have to do whatever I say.

35
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:17,947
I made this one guy
chug a tray of hot dog water.

36
00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,124
Uh, why would you do that?

37
00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,821
It's called earning
respect, dad.

38
00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:24,345
I-I don't understand.

39
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:27,435
Which part? Earning or respect?

40
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:28,697
Bazinga!

41
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,573
Uh, it's from a TV show.

42
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,619
So, uh, how are things
with you and Tammy?

43
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:40,274
Actually, we broke up.

44
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,058
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened?

45
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,407
We just decided it
wasn't gonna work out.

46
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:46,454
We had unrecognizable
differences.

47
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:49,152
Uh, u-unrecognizable
differences?

48
00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:51,459
Yeah, you know, when you
can't see what the problem is

49
00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:52,764
but you just have
to break up anyway.

50
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:55,680
[doorbell rings]

51
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:59,075
Somehow that actually
makes sense.

52
00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:01,904
So, are you doing okay?
I know breakups can be hard.

53
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:05,037
Yeah, it actually helps
to focus on my career.

54
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,735
Get this, one time,
I made the guys

55
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,911
stick their things in pudding.

56
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:15,004
They must respect you so much.

57
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:20,749
- Tammy.
- Where the hell is he?

58
00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,403
I assume that you're talking..

59
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,014
- Jake!
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.

60
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:26,581
Get back here,
you son of a bitch!

61
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,278
I am gonna kill you!

62
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:39,898
I sense that he didn't
tell us everything.

63
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,422
♪ Men men men men ♪

64
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:43,206
♪ Manly men men men ♪

65
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:44,773
♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-o-o-o-h ♪

66
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:46,688
♪ Manly men men men ♪

67
00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:49,560
♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

68
00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:51,693
♪ Ooh hoo hoo
ooh hoo hoo oo ♪

69
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,042
♪ Men men men men ♪

70
00:02:53,129 --> 00:02:54,957
♪ Manly men men men ♪

71
00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:56,480
♪ Men men men men ♪

72
00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,743
♪ Manly men men men ♪

73
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:00,702
♪ Men ♪♪

74
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:10,059
♪ Men ♪♪

75
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:11,887
- Let go of me!
- Am I hurting you?

76
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:12,975
- No.
- How about now?

77
00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,324
Ow, ow, ow.

78
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:15,934
Wait, what-what
the hell is going on?

79
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:17,545
Tell them.

80
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:20,722
Um, I broke up with Tammy
to see another girl.

81
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:23,159
Oh, well, you know, sometimes
relationships run their course--

82
00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:24,639
Tell them who it was.

83
00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:25,857
- I don't think they really--
- Tell them!

84
00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:27,772
Ow!

85
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:28,773
It was her daughter.

86
00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,909
Wait, wait, you, you slept

87
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:36,390
with your girlfriend's daughter?

88
00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,870
Jerry Springer is taped
before a live studio audience.

89
00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:43,266
I trusted you to be a good
influence on Ashley.

90
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:46,965
You know, it was your idea
for us to spend time together.

91
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:49,620
You were supposed
to be tutoring her in math!

92
00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:51,318
What were you thinking?

93
00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:56,540
Jake tutoring math?
What were you thinking?

94
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:58,542
I figured you were gonna
find another girl someday.

95
00:03:58,629 --> 00:03:59,804
I just didn't think
it would be the one

96
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:02,546
that came from my uterus.

97
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:04,505
I'm sorry, it just
sort of happened.

98
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,028
Ow!

99
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:07,812
Sorry, it just
sort of happened.

100
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:10,728
Jake, did you even
once consider

101
00:04:10,815 --> 00:04:12,469
that there were other
people involved?

102
00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:14,689
Yeah, of course. I mean,
that's what made it so hot.

103
00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,560
- Her mom was in the other room.
- That's it, I'm killing him!

104
00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:17,996
- Oh, no, no.
- Dad, dad!

105
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,216
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

106
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:23,001
♪ Men ♪♪

107
00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,656
Okay. Walk me through this.

108
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:27,267
Start from the beginning.

109
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,617
Well, by all accounts,
I was a happy baby.

110
00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:31,271
Okay.

111
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,315
Fast-forward.

112
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,752
You and Tammy's daughter.

113
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,277
- How?
- Alright.

114
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:41,411
Imagine Tammy at 18, in a string
bikini, crying on your shoulder

115
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:44,196
saying, "Why can't
all guys be like you?"

116
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:54,598
Walden?

117
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:58,036
Oh, sorry,
I was still imagining.

118
00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,387
It was the perfect storm.

119
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:01,866
Ashley had just broken
up with her boyfriend

120
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:05,043
and Tammy was asleep.
I'm the victim here.

121
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:13,095
Okay, I..

122
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:16,490
On one hand,
your behavior is despicable.

123
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,449
On the other, the elusive
mother-daughter combo.

124
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:20,624
Up top.

125
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,673
But last time you were here

126
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,327
you were saying that Tammy was
the love of your life

127
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,024
and you wanted to marry her.

128
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:32,549
What can I say? I was young
and naive back then.

129
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:35,639
That was six weeks ago.

130
00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:38,338
I never meant to hurt Tammy.
I care about them both.

131
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:42,603
Hey, do you think there would
ever be a chance

132
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,561
I could get
them both together..

133
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,612
You're adorable.

134
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:55,877
♪ Men ♪♪

135
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:58,401
What the hell is wrong
with your son?

136
00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:02,100
That is a question for the ages.

137
00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:04,494
Kind of like, "If there really
is a God, why is there so much

138
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:06,627
sorrow in the world?" or..

139
00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:07,671
"How have I managed
to keep living

140
00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:10,021
in this house all these years?"

141
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:11,458
You know, I'm tempted
to sleep with you

142
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:14,765
just to get back at him.

143
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:18,682
Oh, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm
flattered, but I-I actually..

144
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:22,512
I was just kidding.

145
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,209
How could he do this to me?

146
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:25,950
Well, you said yourself

147
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,039
you knew this thing with Jake
wasn't gonna last.

148
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:30,477
Yeah, but there are plenty of
other little skanks in our town.

149
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:33,871
Why did he have to pick
my little skank?

150
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:36,657
I wish there was something
that would make you feel better.

151
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:40,008
- Uh, what if Jake apologized?
- What if I cut his balls off?

152
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:43,185
So we've got options.

153
00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:47,537
♪ Men ♪♪

154
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:50,018
Alright, you two,
now-now let's, uh, let's think

155
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:53,674
of the couch as a safe
place for communication.

156
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:55,893
Uh, uh, neutral corner

157
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,808
neutral corner.

158
00:06:57,895 --> 00:07:00,942
Now, and-and this, uh,
this pillow represents

159
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:02,465
the wall of respect.

160
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,905
Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
place it between the two of you.

161
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,909
Okay? Now, uh, Tammy

162
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,390
would you like to start?

163
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,610
Hey, hey!

164
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:18,438
She hit me
with the wall of respect.

165
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:21,049
And you slept with my daughter.

166
00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:23,443
So we'll call it even?

167
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,923
- Hey!
- What's going on?

168
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,230
Oh, well, it's complicated.

169
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,841
Uh, remember
Jake's girlfriend Tammy?

170
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:33,061
She has an 18-year-old daughter.

171
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,628
And Jake nailed her.

172
00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:41,156
Okay, not that complicated.

173
00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:43,811
Uh, Jake, do you want
to say something?

174
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:45,377
Alright. Uh..

175
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:48,598
I'm sorry for cheating
on you with your daughter.

176
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,557
But, I mean, when
you think about it

177
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,123
it's really a compliment.

178
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,474
'Cause she's just a much
younger version of you.

179
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:57,868
[doorbell rings]

180
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,087
I'll get that.

181
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,307
I didn't know Jake
had it in him.

182
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,266
Apparently, he's had
it in everybody.

183
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:09,576
- Ashley?
- Baby!

184
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:12,883
Get your mouth off my daughter,
you cheating son of a bitch!

185
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:15,320
Oh, that would make
a great country song.

186
00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:19,194
Ashley, what are you doing here?

187
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:22,458
Mom, I know you're upset
and that's why I came, but..

188
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:23,938
Hey, is that my shirt?

189
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:27,202
- Hey, is that my boyfriend?
- Oh, please!

190
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:28,986
Like you haven't stolen
boyfriends from me before.

191
00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:31,162
He was your teacher!

192
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:32,903
Yeah, and thanks to you,
I failed biology.

193
00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:35,253
No, biology failed me!

194
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:40,389
This makes me so homesick.

195
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:41,912
Come on, mom.

196
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:43,653
No, Ashley, I am not
gonna let you throw

197
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,394
your life away
for this loser.

198
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:49,137
Hey, hey, that loser is my son.
And your ex-boyfriend.

199
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,573
Yeah, I was just having fun.

200
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,140
Ashley needs to think
about her future.

201
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:55,709
Hey, he has a very bright..

202
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:58,581
You know what,
this is family business.

203
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:00,017
You are not
the boss of me.

204
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,977
If I want to date a loser,
then I will.

205
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:04,021
Thank you.

206
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:05,675
[doorbell rings]

207
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:09,070
I can actually
feel my IQ dropping.

208
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:16,556
- Are you Jake's father?
- Yeah. Oh!

209
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,952
You don't have
to pay me for today.

210
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:23,475
♪ Men ♪♪

211
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,047
♪ Men ♪♪

212
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:32,223
What the hell?
Why did you hit me?

213
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,225
Because I can't hit a kid.

214
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:36,401
And your son's messing
with my Ashley.

215
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:37,489
You're Ashley's dad?

216
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,144
- Ew, no!
- Ew, no!

217
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:41,363
I'm her boyfriend.

218
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:43,452
- Ew, no!
- Ew, no!

219
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,630
He's my ex-boyfriend.
I'm with Jake now.

220
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,372
Oh, come on, I take
craps bigger than him.

221
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,245
Takes me an hour
and a half, but I do it.

222
00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:57,901
What are you doing here, Jerry?

223
00:09:57,988 --> 00:09:59,686
Whoa, Jerry?

224
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,818
From Jerry's Cadillac in Tustin?

225
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:04,691
That's right, son.
"No credit? No problem."

226
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,170
Really?

227
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:08,303
"Want a Caddy, I'm yourdaddy."

228
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:10,131
I want a daddy.

229
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:15,963
I want you back, Ashley.

230
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,443
Whatever. Too little,
too late, Jer-Bear.

231
00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:20,576
Yeah, Jer-Bear.

232
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:22,273
You know, it's like
that old song

233
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,232
"If you liked it, then you
should've put a ring on it."

234
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:26,538
Well, I bought you a belly ring.

235
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,629
Oh, that was you? I chipped
my tooth on that thing.

236
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,110
Uh, just out of curiosity

237
00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:35,635
how did you meet
Hannah Montana here?

238
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,160
It's actually a cute story.

239
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,770
We were shooting
a commercial for our

240
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:43,033
Fourth of July
Savings Spectacular.

241
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,862
I was dressed as Uncle Sam
with a row of pretty girls

242
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,560
behind me wearing bikinis
and waving sparklers.

243
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,128
I took one look at Ashley,
pointed at her and said

244
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,088
"Uncle Sam wants you."

245
00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:58,483
That is a cute story.

246
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:01,182
Fireworks went
off in my pants that night.

247
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:05,621
Okay, not so cute anymore.

248
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,492
How can you not
love a girl like this?

249
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:10,321
She's smart, she's funny,
and she's got a better body

250
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,454
than the new SRX Crossover.

251
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,717
- Don't you, darling?
- Don't "Darling" me.

252
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,327
You had your chance
and you blew it.

253
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,982
Oh, come on, Ashley.
I've been married four times.

254
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,767
And you know
why they didn't work.

255
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,899
I got a mistress, and her name

256
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,119
is Customer Satisfaction.

257
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,906
Alright, look, Jerry,
if my little girl doesn't want

258
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,603
to see you, then you got to go.

259
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,909
- Thanks, mom.
- Shut up!

260
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,348
Okay.

261
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:39,873
It takes two to make a deal.

262
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,484
But know this, Ashley..

263
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:46,401
I guarantee, I will
always love you.

264
00:11:46,488 --> 00:11:50,231
Just like I guarantee,
no one can beat my prices.

265
00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:00,502
♪ If you need a set of wheels
Jerry's making super deals ♪

266
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:04,419
♪ At Jerry's Cadillac ♪♪

267
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,731
Oh, come on. It's catchy.

268
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,126
♪ Men ♪♪

269
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:19,347
- God, I've failed as a parent.
- No.

270
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,349
- Yeah.
- Maybe.

271
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:26,528
My beautiful young daughter
has narrowed her choices

272
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:31,272
down to a 19-year-old, who needs
to ask the Wizard for a brain..

273
00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:33,056
...and a sleazy car salesman

274
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,102
who barely escaped
a "Dateline special".

275
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:41,630
Okay, so it's not an ideal
situation. But what is?

276
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,588
Sometimes kids make mistakes.

277
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:47,418
Yeah, sometimes
kids are mistakes.

278
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:49,725
Well, look, when I was a kid,
I made a lot of choices

279
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:52,728
my parents didn't agree with.
Like, dropping out of MIT.

280
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,600
And that turned out great.

281
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:56,906
Somehow I don't think Ashley's

282
00:12:56,993 --> 00:13:00,040
on the road
to incredible wealth.

283
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:01,519
She's more on the road

284
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:04,696
to antibiotic-resistant
gonorrhea.

285
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,833
Wow. That's just..

286
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:13,270
Wow!

287
00:13:15,707 --> 00:13:17,492
When is it gonna stop?

288
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:18,841
When's what gonna stop?

289
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:20,495
The taking.

290
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:23,063
I mean, that's all kids ever do.

291
00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:24,978
I mean, first they
take over your body

292
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:27,676
like a little parasite.

293
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:30,505
And then they trash your fun
zone on the way out.

294
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,684
Then they suck your boobs
until your nipples look

295
00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:38,078
like the worn-out
thumb on a work glove.

296
00:13:40,776 --> 00:13:42,734
You do paint a picture
with your words.

297
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,913
And then it gets really bad.

298
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,177
They take your sleep,
your time

299
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,963
your favorite dress,
keys to your car

300
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,704
the weed you had hidden
in a cowboy boot

301
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:57,924
in the back of your closet.

302
00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,534
Leave it up
to my daughter

303
00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:01,579
to go the extra mile
and take my boyfriend.

304
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,408
And you know
why you keep giving?

305
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,628
Because I'm a glutton
for punishment?

306
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,631
Because you love her, and you
want what's best for her.

307
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:11,241
I suppose.

308
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,200
Okay, let me ask you this.

309
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,636
Were you happy with Jake?

310
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:16,420
I mean, you know,
before he started

311
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,379
climbing the family tree.

312
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:23,340
Honestly, Jake's a great guy.

313
00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:26,822
So, isn't it possible
that he may also be

314
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:28,955
a great guy
for your daughter?

315
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,740
- No.
- Yes.

316
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,046
Maybe.

317
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,703
Really? The thumb
on a work glove?

318
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,010
Oh, honey, that
was two boob jobs ago.

319
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:43,447
These puppies
can cut glass now.

320
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:48,757
♪ Men ♪♪

321
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,720
Sorry Jerry hit you, dad.

322
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,158
So am I.

323
00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,811
Yeah, what was that about,
I mean, he won't hit a kid

324
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,901
but he'll hit somebody
way older than him?

325
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:05,252
What?

326
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,950
I said, "He won't hit a kid

327
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,866
but he'll hit someone
way older than him!"

328
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:14,739
Hey.

329
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,745
[sighs]
I have something I want
to say to you two.

330
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,617
Don't care.

331
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:25,228
I swear to God, Ashley, I paid
to get those teeth straight

332
00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:27,665
I will crooked 'em up again!

333
00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:30,930
Up-bup-bup-bup. Eye on the ball,
Tammy. Eye on the ball.

334
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:36,239
If you two want
to be with each other

335
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,415
I am not gonna
stand in your way.

336
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:39,851
Really?

337
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:40,940
You think you
can be happy together

338
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:42,419
then be happy together.

339
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,595
Wow. Thank you, Tammy.

340
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:47,772
I...guess I just hope Ashley
and I can be as happy

341
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:49,774
as you and I were.

342
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,041
Stop talking.

343
00:15:56,825 --> 00:16:00,524
But I already am happy,
Jake-Bear. Give me some sugar.

344
00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:07,009
This is the oddest family moment
I have ever witnessed.

345
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,753
Maybe I should
grease up a pig

346
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,711
in case they want
to wrestle later.

347
00:16:17,802 --> 00:16:18,934
Jerry.

348
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,849
I feel bad about before

349
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:24,200
so I brought you an official
Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie.

350
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:28,248
I told you, it's over.

351
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:30,032
You did.

352
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,078
But I'm driving home..

353
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:34,254
...in my limited
edition Escalade..

354
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,087
...when it hits me.

355
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:43,698
If I've learned
one thing in my 25 years

356
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:46,222
as Orange County's
number one dealer

357
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,355
of premium luxury vehicles

358
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:51,010
is that you don't
take no for an answer.

359
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,315
God, this guy's good.

360
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:57,799
So I came back here to ask
you just one question.

361
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:04,371
What's it gonna take to get
you into my life today?

362
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,721
Oh, my God, look
at the size of that rock.

363
00:17:06,808 --> 00:17:09,463
Dude, you can't buy
her love with a diamond ring.

364
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,378
But wait, there's more.

365
00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:17,340
My manager's gonna kill me,
but if you say yes right now..

366
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:23,433
...I will throw in a 2012
powder blue Mercedes SL

367
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,001
I just bought
at a police auction.

368
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:29,309
I don't know what to do.

369
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,615
- Take the car!
- Take the car!

370
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:36,751
- Dad!
- It's a Mercedes.

371
00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:40,407
- We got a deal, Ashley?
- Sold!

372
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:43,062
[all]
Aw!

373
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,064
[all]
Ew!

374
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,676
I love these people.

375
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:50,112
♪ Men ♪♪

376
00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,249
♪ Men ♪♪

377
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:58,468
[knock on door]

378
00:17:58,555 --> 00:17:59,904
Jake?

379
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,519
- Doing okay?
- I guess.

380
00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,304
I really screwed things
up this time, didn't I?

381
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:11,394
Well, you certainly screwed
everything you could.

382
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,745
I mean, I had
such a good thing going.

383
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,747
First, with Tammy,
and then Ashley

384
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,315
and...now I'm all alone.

385
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:20,925
That's because you're a Harper.

386
00:18:21,012 --> 00:18:22,579
It's what we do.

387
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,842
We take something good
and turn it into nothing.

388
00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,368
I don't like being a Harper.

389
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:29,673
Nobody does, son.

390
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:32,763
Nobody does.

391
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,116
♪ Men ♪♪

392
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,641
What a day, huh?

393
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:43,165
Yeah. Sorry about
all the trouble.

394
00:18:43,252 --> 00:18:45,124
Oh. You kidding me?

395
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,127
Jerry sold me
an Escalade at dealer cost.

396
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:51,347
Oh, honey, you didn't
fall for that, did you?

397
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,567
He really is the king,
isn't he?

398
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:57,223
And my daughter
gets to be the queen.

399
00:18:57,310 --> 00:19:00,313
It's a white trash fairy tale.

400
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,489
Hey. Let's talk about
something happier.

401
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:04,491
Remember when Alan
got punched in the face?

402
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:07,581
Yeah. That was awesome.

403
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:11,933
- Mmm.
- Yeah.

404
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,543
You know, the older I get

405
00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:15,937
the less I understand
about relationships.

406
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:17,417
Me, too.

407
00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:18,983
I'm like a blind man
trying to get out

408
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,421
of a doorknob factory.

409
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,814
I mean, how is that possible?

410
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:26,991
I mean, you're handsome
and smart and charming.

411
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:28,515
You're embarrassing me.

412
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,865
Go on.

413
00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:32,823
You got
the whole package.

414
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,216
Well, you do, too.

415
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:36,784
I mean, you're beautiful,
you're independent

416
00:19:36,871 --> 00:19:37,741
you're intelligent..

417
00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:39,526
Oh, stop.

418
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:44,574
Well, don't actually stop.

419
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:45,662
You're funny.

420
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,058
You're..

421
00:19:50,145 --> 00:19:53,279
...really, really beautiful.

422
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:05,378
Okay, that probably
wasn't a good idea.

423
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,031
Definitely not.

424
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:13,037
Berta's gonna love this.

425
00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:16,258
♪ Men ♪♪

426
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:21,307
♪ Men men men men ♪

427
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:22,917
♪ Manly men men men ♪

428
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:24,440
♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-o-o-h ♪

429
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,094
♪ Manly men men men ♪

430
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:29,053
♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

431
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:31,099
♪ Oo hoo hoo
ooh hoo hoo oo ♪

432
00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:32,666
♪ Men men men men ♪

433
00:20:32,753 --> 00:20:34,407
♪ Manly men men men ♪

434
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:35,973
♪ Men men men men ♪

435
00:20:36,060 --> 00:20:37,932
♪ Manly men men men ♪

436
00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:39,368
♪ Men ♪♪