1 00:00:03,438 --> 00:00:05,875 ♪ Men ♪♪ 2 00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:07,355 Hi, future me. 3 00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,316 This is 17-year-old you in your dorm room at MIT. 4 00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:16,233 Yeah, that's right. 5 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,366 I did my own Pop Up Video. 6 00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:19,628 How cool is that? 7 00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:24,111 Still is. 8 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:27,027 Hopefully you're watching this from your implanted brain chip 9 00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:30,595 aka the "Tran-Schmidter." 10 00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:32,728 Running proprietary software 11 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:35,078 developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises. 12 00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:39,082 Failing that hopefully you've at least seen a girl naked. 13 00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:41,041 Hey, what you watching? 14 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,304 Check this out, I had all my old videotapes 15 00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:44,783 digitized, and I found this. 16 00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:48,222 Oh, my God, is that you? 17 00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:50,441 You were nothing more than an awkward 18 00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:53,053 pimply-faced, goofy-looking teenager. 19 00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,840 We would've been best friends. 20 00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,887 Yeah, I made it when I was at MIT. 21 00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:03,672 It outlines everything I wanted to accomplish 22 00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,065 by the time I turned 35. 23 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,544 Oh, I did a similar thing. 24 00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,329 Well, it wasn't so much a video as, uh 25 00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:10,200 something I wrote on a cocktail napkin. 26 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,072 "Don't kill yourself. It'll get better." 27 00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:15,075 I was so naive. 28 00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:19,209 I hope you've accomplished your first goal 29 00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,907 as previously stated, of seeing a girl naked. 30 00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:24,736 And I'm talking in person. 31 00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:27,783 Which I did a short 18 months later. 32 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,089 'Goal number two.' 33 00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,699 Create your own software company 34 00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:32,831 that revolutionizes the industry standard 35 00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:36,922 for information transferal at blinding speeds. 36 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,402 [dial-up modem bings] 37 00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:41,797 Hear that? 38 00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,842 56k dial-up. 39 00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:45,844 In four hours I will have downloaded 40 00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,064 the entire Spice Girls album. 41 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,467 After building your company from the ground up 42 00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,599 you will sell it for.. 43 00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:04,950 ...one million dollars. 44 00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:08,911 Well, that didn't happen. 45 00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:12,567 I sold it for one billion dollars. 46 00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,787 Yeah, baby! 47 00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:19,139 Don't. 48 00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:20,575 Just, just don't. 49 00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:23,882 Number three 50 00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,668 live in a beautiful beach house. 51 00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,191 Nailed it. 52 00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:30,541 With the love of your life. 53 00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:31,803 Nailed it. 54 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,504 Although it is kinda hard to meet someone 55 00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:40,116 when you spend 20 hours a day in the computer lab. 56 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,038 Phyllis is now Phil. 57 00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,997 He's a commercial fisherman in Baton Rouge. 58 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,870 But I'm sure all this hard work will be worth it someday 59 00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:57,264 when you're watching this video with your beautiful wife 60 00:02:57,351 --> 00:03:01,485 four kids, two dogs and robot butler 61 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,444 'developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.' 62 00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:05,707 Hello, Walden. 63 00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:07,665 Would you like a root beer? 64 00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:09,885 Heck, yeah. 65 00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:15,804 Where did my life take such a wrong turn? 66 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,067 What are you talking about? 67 00:03:18,154 --> 00:03:20,025 I don't have any of those things that matter. 68 00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:22,680 No wife, no kids. 69 00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,160 All I have is you. 70 00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:27,598 Well.. 71 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,949 ...we could adopt. 72 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,606 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 73 00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,782 ♪ Ha aa aa ♪♪ Men ♪♪ 74 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,138 [Walden on TV] 'Watching this video with your beautiful wife' 75 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:49,794 'four kids, two dogs and robot butler' 76 00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:51,187 'developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.' 77 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:52,623 Hey. 78 00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,669 Oh, hey. 79 00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:57,367 - What are you doing up? - Alan is sleep-sobbing again. 80 00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,850 You still watching this thing? 81 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:03,199 I'm a failure, Lyndsey. 82 00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:05,680 No, you're not, Walden. 83 00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,290 Although you looked like one in college. 84 00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:10,815 Yeah, I kinda did. 85 00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:12,513 I mean, I wouldn't have slept with you. 86 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,166 and I slept with everybody. 87 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,430 Got it. 88 00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,346 I even slept with the janitor in my dorm. 89 00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,912 Is this supposed to cheer me up? 90 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,088 Oh, I'm sorry. 91 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,133 I'm sorry. 92 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,091 Look, when I was 18 93 00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,224 I was convinced I was gonna marry Axl Rose 94 00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,834 and have my own TV show. 95 00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:31,358 Well, they don't give TV shows to people 96 00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:32,489 just 'cause they're good-looking. 97 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,323 You know, Walden, just 'cause your life 98 00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,846 didn't turn out the way you thought 99 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,587 doesn't mean it's not a success. 100 00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:46,503 I mean, how many people can say they're a billionaire? 101 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:49,854 One thousand two hundred and twenty-six. 102 00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:51,682 Seriously? 103 00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:54,163 That's a lot more than I thought. 104 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,599 Do you know 'em all? 105 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:58,689 Well, there's not a club or anything. 106 00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,431 But Buffett does host a poker game once a month. 107 00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:04,173 - Last time, I won Guatemala. - Wow. 108 00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:05,348 And then I lost at the end 109 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,002 to the woman who invented Spanx. 110 00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:11,093 Money doesn't mean anything 111 00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,573 if I don't have anyone to share it with. 112 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,096 Oh, I get that. 113 00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,228 But you're not going to meet anybody 114 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,362 sitting on your couch feeling sorry for yourself. 115 00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:20,624 Are you? 116 00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:23,975 I guess not. 117 00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:26,021 Damn. 118 00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,328 I just don't get relationships. 119 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,981 Nobody does. 120 00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,767 They're scary and messy. 121 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,856 And sometimes you get involved 122 00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:37,293 with somebody you don't really like and.. 123 00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,992 ...one day, you find yourself peeing on a stick. 124 00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:42,777 And the plus sign shows up and you have to give up 125 00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:44,692 your dreams of being an actress so you can raise a kid 126 00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,129 who can only do math when he's figuring out the cost of weed. 127 00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:52,352 Pep talks really aren't your strong suit, are they? 128 00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:54,876 I'm just saying 129 00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:57,182 things happen, but you can't give up. 130 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,923 I mean, if I had stopped looking 131 00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:01,752 I never would've found my amazing, wonderful boyfriend. 132 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,538 Oh, you're cheatin' on Alan? 133 00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,717 ♪ Men ♪♪ 134 00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:11,022 [Alan] 'Hey.' 135 00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:12,981 Uh, would you eat expired pudding? 136 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,861 - No. - Oh, good. 137 00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,559 Then I can have it. 138 00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,256 Knock yourself out. 139 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,736 What're you doing? 140 00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:31,086 I'm looking for this card, and I can't.. 141 00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,175 Ah, there it is. 142 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:36,439 "Emily's Elite and Discreet Introductions." 143 00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,572 Oh, fancy call girls. 144 00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,008 I like it. 145 00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,488 No, it's a dating service. 146 00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,054 Oh, right. "Dating service." 147 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,274 Wink-wink. 148 00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:47,058 You know, I want to like you 149 00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:48,930 but sometimes you make it so hard. 150 00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:53,935 "Substantial relationships for substantial people." 151 00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,676 Ah, big girls. 152 00:06:57,634 --> 00:07:00,158 Get your smoosh on. 153 00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:02,813 They throw mixers for single rich people. 154 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,511 I wouldn't think you'd be into that kinda thing. 155 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,295 You've always been a-a fate kinda guy. 156 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,906 Yeah, well, I'm gonna create my own fate. Lyndsey's right. 157 00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:10,647 I'm not gonna find anyone sitting around here 158 00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,083 feelin' sorry for myself. 159 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,998 No, you're not. 160 00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,260 Are you? 161 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,221 - What? - Nothing. 162 00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:20,962 Hey, uh, can I go along? 163 00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:23,573 - No, you have Lyndsey. - I'd be doing it for her. 164 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:27,359 Look, I'll find a rich, 90 year-old woman with a bad ticker 165 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,057 give her the best three minutes of her life 166 00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,537 and then, you know, send her out with a bang. 167 00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:34,889 Then spend my inheritance on Lyndsey. 168 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:37,282 Or whatever's left after my grief cruise. 169 00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:43,375 Again, you make it really hard to like you. 170 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,161 - I just want a sugar mama. - Yeah, you have one. 171 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:47,292 Her name is Walden. 172 00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,209 ♪ Men ♪♪ 173 00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:57,041 Walden, we have a great mixer tonight. 174 00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:59,696 I hope you're ready to meet some substantial women. 175 00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:02,220 Yep, I'm ready to get my smoosh on. 176 00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:07,225 I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous. 177 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:10,054 Don't be. Everyone here is rich and looking for love. 178 00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,403 The only woman in this room 179 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,841 who wants you for your money is me. 180 00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:15,538 - Happy mingling. - Okay. 181 00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,723 Hello. 182 00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,464 Hello. 183 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,988 - Trust fund or tech? - Excuse me? 184 00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:32,860 The way you're dressed means you're either 185 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,166 the beneficiary of a trust fund or in the tech business. 186 00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,428 Unless you're working here in which case 187 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,256 I need another drink. 188 00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:39,867 Ac-actually, I'm in tech. 189 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,433 I started my own company when I was-- 190 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,479 What do your Fridays look like? 191 00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:46,700 Uh, a lot like my Thursdays, just one day later. 192 00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:49,398 A sense of humor. 193 00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,008 Some people find that attractive. 194 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,056 Are you one of them? 195 00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,188 I love to laugh. 196 00:08:57,275 --> 00:08:59,451 Now, I've got Friday evenings 197 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,366 Sunday afternoons and ski season. 198 00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,673 - How does that work for you? - So.. 199 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,936 Don't you wanna at least know my name? 200 00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,155 Really? 201 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,462 We have to do all this? 202 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,595 Alright, I'm Sylvia Miller and I'm the CEO 203 00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,249 of a major pharmaceutical company. 204 00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:16,425 - Wow, very impressive. - Yes. 205 00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,688 Every time you get an erection, you owe me ten dollars. 206 00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:24,346 See? Sense of humor. Now, Fridays and Sundays. 207 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,869 I just thought maybe we could 208 00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:26,957 spend some time getting to know each-- 209 00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:28,306 Nice talking to you. 210 00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:32,180 Okay, I'll put her on the "maybe" pile. 211 00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,530 Hi. How you doing? 212 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,488 Oh, hi, I'm Walden Schmidt. 213 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,708 Nice to meet you. TC Randall. 214 00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,625 You're the TC Randall? 215 00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:45,933 Author of, "Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries?" 216 00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,761 I-I've read all your books. 217 00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:49,240 Really? 218 00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:50,894 Yeah, I.. Who hasn't? 219 00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:52,200 Grown men. 220 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:56,465 Their loss. I mean, you're-you're an amazing author. 221 00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,293 - Thank you. - Oh, you know. 222 00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,251 I do have one question, though. 223 00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:03,428 In-in book three, the dragons inexplicably 224 00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,517 lose their ability to breathe fire when clearly, 225 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,172 in book two, the wizards gave them that ability. 226 00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:12,437 Was that a setup, for book four or an oversight? 227 00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:15,179 They're children's books. 228 00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:17,051 Well, it says on the cover 229 00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:20,837 "they're for wizards, dragon trainers and kids of all ages." 230 00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:22,796 Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. 231 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:27,061 Um, the dragons lost their ability to breathe fire 232 00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,628 in the Caverns of Chaos. 233 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,325 Ah, come on they didn't even go 234 00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,501 to the Caverns of Chaos until they solved 235 00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:34,285 the mystery of the missing map. 236 00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,070 Alright, you know what? 237 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:39,334 When I wrote those books, I was addicted to painkillers. 238 00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:42,119 They make no sense, but they make me a ton of money 239 00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:43,991 so cut me some slack. 240 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,213 Probably got the painkillers from the pharmaceutical chick. 241 00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:54,610 - So, any luck so far? - No, not yet. 242 00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:57,178 Oh, well, don't worry. There are plenty of women here. 243 00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,483 Well, how about them? 244 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,355 Um, Sarah's oil money. 245 00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,357 Stephanie is a tobacco heiress. 246 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:05,665 And Amy had sex with a senator and owns the video. 247 00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,451 - Oh, my God. - I don't care how. 248 00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:11,322 I care how much. 249 00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:14,935 Uh, no. The woman in the green dress. 250 00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:17,067 I used to be married to her. 251 00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,330 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 252 00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,463 I-I try to avoid situations like this. 253 00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,857 No. You know what? It's fine. I'll.. 254 00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,249 I'll just go say hello. 255 00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,251 Sure. What's the worst that can happen? 256 00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,905 She's already got half your money. 257 00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:41,265 Bridget? 258 00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:43,224 Walden? 259 00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:45,400 What are you doing here? 260 00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,663 Just...drinking a beer 261 00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:52,320 losing faith in humanity, planning to die alone. 262 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,322 I get it. These people are awful. 263 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:57,368 The last guy I talked to offered to give me a boob job. 264 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,980 - A plastic surgeon? - Unfortunately, no. 265 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:02,939 So, you haven't met anyone, either? 266 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,812 No. I'm actually thinking about going next door. 267 00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,640 The Goldberg Bar Mitzvah seems like it's going off. 268 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,425 Mmm. Well, good luck to you. 269 00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:12,209 I hope you find what you're looking for. 270 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,823 So, did I find what I was looking for? 271 00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,042 Oh, yeah. 272 00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:20,565 ♪ Men ♪♪ 273 00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,788 ♪ Men ♪♪ 274 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,572 - So. - Yeah. 275 00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,751 That happened. 276 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,230 Twice. 277 00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:35,102 Three for me. 278 00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:36,799 - Oh, that's great. - Yeah. 279 00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,235 The third time, I thought you were screaming 280 00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:39,671 just 'cause I was on your hair. 281 00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,459 - Can I ask you a question? - Sure. 282 00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:46,417 What does this mean? 283 00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,376 It means we both paid $1000 284 00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,552 to meet someone we already slept with. 285 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,904 Wait, you paid $1000? 286 00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,688 I paid $2000. 287 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,778 Looks like you got screwed a lot tonight. 288 00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:03,478 The answer is.. 289 00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,480 ...I don't know what it means. 290 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,178 - I just know it feels right. - It does. 291 00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,006 Which is odd because we just did 292 00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:12,530 a couple things that were very, very wrong. 293 00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,143 So, how do we make sure we don't end up 294 00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,840 where we were before? 295 00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,668 Well, that's.. 296 00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:21,409 Everything that happened before was your fault 297 00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:22,671 so it's kind of up to you. 298 00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,371 I'm a different person than I was when we split up. 299 00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,721 That's good, 'cause towards the end 300 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,115 I felt more like your mother than your wife. 301 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:34,596 Oh, you're a much better kisser than my mom. 302 00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:36,772 So are you. 303 00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:39,819 The truth is.. 304 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,212 ...I've grown up a lot since then. 305 00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,345 I don't need anyone to take care of me now. 306 00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:47,043 So I don't have to check under the bed for monsters anymore? 307 00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,524 No, of course not. Alan does that. 308 00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,700 Does Alan do this? 309 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,136 Yes. 310 00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,314 Well.. 311 00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:59,360 Uh, he does not do that. 312 00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:02,929 ♪ Men ♪♪ 313 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:05,845 Can't believe you guys are back together. 314 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,021 Walden and Bridget. Bridget and Walden. 315 00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:09,457 And Alan. 316 00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,067 The three musketeers. 317 00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,069 - Or three's a crowd. - Or three's company. 318 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:15,463 Or three strikes and you're out. 319 00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:17,682 Okay, okay. Just play nice. 320 00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:20,729 Sorry. 321 00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,992 So, uh, Bridget, uh.. 322 00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:24,951 ...after you and Walden broke up 323 00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,388 didn't you immediately start dating his best friend 324 00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:28,998 and business partner, Billy? 325 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,826 I did, but in hindsight, I realize 326 00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:33,742 it was just a pathetic attempt to stay close to Walden. 327 00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:35,744 You know what that's like, don't you, Alan? 328 00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,835 Alright, that was a good one. 329 00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:43,970 What are you eating? 330 00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,886 Oh, it's a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich 331 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,365 with pancakes as the bread. 332 00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,585 I call it a McWalden. 333 00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,501 I call it a McBypass. 334 00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,503 It has all the basic food groups 335 00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:58,723 protein, dairy...syrup. 336 00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:01,204 If you don't eat properly 337 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,077 your immune system can't do its job. 338 00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:06,427 - I've had more colds this year. - See? 339 00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,429 I'm gonna pour you a glass of 340 00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,910 fresh orange juice to wash that down. 341 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,608 - She's doing it again. - What? 342 00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:14,957 Telling you what to do. 343 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,438 She just cares about me. 344 00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,049 - Meow! Whoopish! - Shut up. 345 00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,833 Here you go. 346 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,313 Okay, I think you're all done with that. 347 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,881 - Actually, I was not-- - Drink your juice. 348 00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:29,189 When you're done I want you to go upstairs and make your bed. 349 00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:31,321 - But Berta does it. - No buts. 350 00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:32,757 Okay. 351 00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,500 Run! 352 00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:42,289 ♪ Men ♪♪ 353 00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:46,336 I'm so...glad that we found each other again. 354 00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,642 Me, too. 355 00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:55,563 - I wanna try something. - Whatever it is, I am in. 356 00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:58,000 - It's pretty extreme. - Yay! 357 00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,700 Are you ready to have your mind blown? 358 00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,572 Among other things. 359 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:12,580 Let's...wait. 360 00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:17,759 For what? 361 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:21,241 Let's not have sex tonight. 362 00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:22,982 Let's wait. 363 00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:27,987 I'm not sure that I follow. 364 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,685 Imagine how much deeper we could connect 365 00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:35,385 on an emotional level if we weren't prisoners of our pelvis. 366 00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,518 But I like that prison. 367 00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:40,825 I just-I just don't want to be in solitary. 368 00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,566 I'm serious, Walden. 369 00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:45,308 I want sex to be more than just a physical release. 370 00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:47,571 I want it to be a special event. 371 00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:50,792 Okay, are we talking special event like.. 372 00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,750 ...Monday Night Football? 373 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:55,362 Or special event like Halley's Comet? 374 00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,365 I'll let you know. 375 00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,020 But in the meantime, there's other stuff we could do. 376 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,892 Oh, I like other stuff. 377 00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:06,634 - What do you have in mind? - We can cuddle. 378 00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,463 Cuddle? 379 00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,552 I think it would really help us connect. 380 00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:12,814 Let's try it. 381 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,473 See? Isn't this nice? 382 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,562 Mmm, mmm. 383 00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:25,435 This is so much better than having nasty old sex. 384 00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,056 So, how do we know when we're done? 385 00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:42,148 ♪ Men ♪♪ 386 00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:44,063 There you are, Alan. 387 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,761 Come. Join us, please. 388 00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,028 Oh, this can't be good. 389 00:17:56,814 --> 00:18:00,340 So, uh...what's goin' on? 390 00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:01,602 Walden. 391 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:11,873 Um...first, I would like to say 392 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:16,660 that I appreciate what a great friend you are. 393 00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:18,967 Thank you? 394 00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:23,450 Uh, which makes it hard for me.. 395 00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:25,582 Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 396 00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:29,195 - Bridget feels that-- - Ahem! 397 00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:33,286 We feel... that you living here 398 00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:37,725 is no longer beneficial to the goals of this household. 399 00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:40,771 Buh-bye. 400 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:46,647 Fine, fine. Let me just say one thing. 401 00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,605 Okay, when you guys broke up the first time 402 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,781 it's because Bridget thought you were a child. 403 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,132 Turns out she's the one who keeps you a child 404 00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,568 by controlling everything you do. 405 00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,222 Nuh-uh. 406 00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:57,614 Mark my words. 407 00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:59,616 Next, she'll start withholding sex. 408 00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:04,230 You'll be like a dog begging for a bone. 409 00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:05,796 Or a dog with a bone. 410 00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:07,581 Either way, a bone will be involved. 411 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,151 Why is Zippy so upset? 412 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,283 Walden asked him to move out. 413 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,677 [laughing] It's about time. 414 00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,592 - Hey, Berta? - Yeah? 415 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,985 Um, why don't you have a seat? 416 00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,465 Ah, crap. 417 00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:27,078 ♪ Men ♪♪ 418 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:35,391 Hi, sleepyhead. 419 00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,698 - Hi. - Isn't this nice? 420 00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:40,004 Just the two of us? 421 00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,355 I'm a little groggy. 422 00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:43,704 What happened? 423 00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:46,576 I have a little surprise for you. 424 00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,448 Oh. 425 00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:49,666 What is it? 426 00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,890 My balls? 427 00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,500 No, sweetie. 428 00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:59,067 My balls. 429 00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:02,549 [screaming] 430 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:13,908 - How'd it go with your ex-wife? - It was a nightmare. 431 00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:15,518 ♪ Men ♪♪ 432 00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:20,131 ♪ Men ♪♪ 433 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,569 Uh, hello, future Alan Harper. 434 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,528 Uh, it's you from the past. 435 00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:28,705 Uh, outlining my goals for the next 50 years. 436 00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:34,276 Uh, I hope this finds you still on this comfortable couch 437 00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:36,104 in this lovely beach house 438 00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:38,411 um, hopefully, uh, with Walden 439 00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:40,413 or whoever moves in after him. 440 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,504 Nailed it. 441 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,899 What? 442 00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:52,163 I-I said, "Nailed it." 443 00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:59,649 If you want coffee, go make coffee! 444 00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,132 Buffalo! 445 00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:07,962 ♪ Men ♪♪ 446 00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:14,925 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 447 00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:18,233 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 448 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,105 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 449 00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,238 ♪ Ooh hoo hoo ooh ♪ 450 00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:26,589 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 451 00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:29,766 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 452 00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:31,638 ♪ Men ♪♪