1 00:00:01,784 --> 00:00:03,655 ♪ Men ♪♪ 2 00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,135 Sorry, I'm late. 3 00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,702 I've been waiting here for over an hour. 4 00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:09,270 I'd to pee in that bush. 5 00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,360 I shudder to think what you used to wipe. 6 00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:15,189 Did you knock on the door to see if Walden and Berta were home? 7 00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:17,843 Yeah, they invited me in, but I said I'd rather pee 8 00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:20,411 on my feet while an azalea tickled my crack. 9 00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:23,588 Okay, actually, it's, uh, it's an oleander. 10 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,938 That's probably not the salient part of your story. 11 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,378 You know, none of this would have happened if I had a key. 12 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:32,380 Uh, come on. We've been over this. 13 00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:34,469 I just, I feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries 14 00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:36,732 with Walden by asking if my girlfriend can have a key. 15 00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:39,474 Well, I feel like an unwelcome guest in this house. 16 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:42,259 I'm an unwelcome guest in this house. 17 00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:44,174 You know, I don't think you're taking me seriously. 18 00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:46,046 Isn't it enough that you have the key to my heart? 19 00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,004 Oh, bite me. 20 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,484 Okay, I get it. I get it. 21 00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,138 You're upset, and you have every right to be. 22 00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:53,270 But why don't we just, you know, take a deep breath 23 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:54,924 maybe open a bottle of wine 24 00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:55,968 uh, take a bath, 25 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,231 light some candles. 26 00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:58,536 Do you actually believe 27 00:00:58,623 --> 00:00:59,842 I'm gonna have sex with you? 28 00:00:59,929 --> 00:01:02,758 I can't believe you ever have sex with me. 29 00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:04,238 But you're here now. You look lovely. 30 00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:05,587 You have an empty bladder, so why not? 31 00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,676 You know what? Keep the key. 32 00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:10,200 Ah, Lyndsey, come on. 33 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,768 Don't be like this. 34 00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:15,292 What, you're just going to mark your territory and leave? 35 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,041 Son of a bitch. 36 00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:27,478 [Lyndsey] 'Bet you wish you gave me that key now.' 37 00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:31,482 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 38 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:32,527 ♪ Hah-ah ah ♪ 39 00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,006 ♪ Men ♪♪ 40 00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,710 ♪ Men ♪♪ 41 00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:44,365 Ah.. 42 00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:49,500 Ah.. 43 00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,937 You're gonna keep doing that until I ask you what's wrong 44 00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,852 aren't you? 45 00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:55,506 What's wrong? 46 00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:58,814 Kate updated her Facebook status. 47 00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:00,207 Still no mention of me. 48 00:02:00,294 --> 00:02:02,557 Let it go. 49 00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:04,515 She's eating a bagel. 50 00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,169 We used to eat bagels. 51 00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:07,997 Here. 52 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,346 Now you're eating bagels together. 53 00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:13,655 - I miss her. - Oh, boo-hoo. 54 00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:15,831 I miss waking up next to Burt Reynolds. 55 00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,313 What, it happened. 56 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:24,622 - Morning. - Morning. 57 00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:27,364 Where-where's Lyndsey? 58 00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:28,670 I thought she was spending the night. 59 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,673 Me, too. But then she decided I suck. 60 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,894 - Why? - Did it take her so long? 61 00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:38,070 I don't know what happened. 62 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,550 It just came out of nowhere. 63 00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:41,596 It always does. 64 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,468 You know who knew relationships? Your brother. 65 00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:47,384 [scoffs] Oh, please, his lasted an hour at a time. 66 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:50,431 An hour and a half if he was drunk. 67 00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:53,825 Exactly. He treated women like rental cars. 68 00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,479 You pay for them when you need them 69 00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:56,959 and it's someone else's job 70 00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,961 to empty out the trunk and hose them down. 71 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,879 Well, I'm not paying for sex. 72 00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:05,315 And he can't afford to. 73 00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,361 I don't need a hooker. I have Lyndsey. 74 00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:13,018 You should lead with that when you apologize to her. 75 00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:14,846 Oh, we will be fine. 76 00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:16,805 This whole thing will blow over and be gone by tomorrow morning. 77 00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:18,328 So would the hooker. 78 00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,421 ♪ Men ♪♪ 79 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,031 Hey. 80 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,338 Well, well, well, look who finally decided 81 00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,906 to grace us with his presence. 82 00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:33,996 I needed some time. Kate and I split up. 83 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,999 - Another woman left you? - She moved to New York. 84 00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,870 [laughing] 85 00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:41,482 They're crossing state lines to get away from you now. 86 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,223 Yeah, yeah. 87 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,573 I'm a loser. I'm alone. 88 00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:48,140 And meanwhile, you're having wild, crazy sex 89 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,708 with my ex-wife like I could never imagine. 90 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,319 Oh, you don't have to imagine it. 91 00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:54,669 Look, let me-let me paint you a word picture. 92 00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,714 Uh, the candles were flickering.. 93 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,499 ...the music was playing.. 94 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:01,719 ...and she rode me like I was a giant, pink pogo stick. 95 00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:05,375 You're not a giant anything. 96 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:06,420 That's funny. 97 00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:07,682 You know what else is funny? 98 00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:09,988 You're alone. 99 00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:12,469 Okay, I get it. It's a joke. 100 00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:15,037 Women always leave me. I get it. 101 00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:16,821 Well, you know what? It still hurts. 102 00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:19,084 Not that I expect you to understand how it feels 103 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,173 to have your heart broken by someone you love 104 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:24,525 because that would actually require you having a heart. 105 00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:25,569 'Do you even know how it feels--' 106 00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,050 She dumped me. 107 00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:29,138 What? 108 00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:30,226 Bridget left me. 109 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:33,838 Are you serious? 110 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:38,060 She-She said I was inconsiderate, condescending 111 00:04:38,147 --> 00:04:40,541 and that I look like a lesbian art teacher. 112 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:47,156 I-I don't know what to say. 113 00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:49,854 Other than you do look like a lesbian art teacher. 114 00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:52,553 I'm glad that my pain can make you happy. 115 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,250 Oh, wait, you have no idea. 116 00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:57,253 Let me paint you a word picture. 117 00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:58,907 Flowers are blooming. 118 00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:00,038 Birds are singing. 119 00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:02,389 Angels are farting rainbows. 120 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:03,912 That's not funny, alright? 121 00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:05,479 My-my life is falling apart. 122 00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:08,482 Come on. I'm just giving you a hard time. 123 00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:09,961 I'm sorry. 124 00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:11,311 It's gonna be okay. 125 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,573 No, it's not. I loved her. 126 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,488 I know. I did, too. 127 00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:17,708 And then I realized she's the broken one. 128 00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:20,189 - You think so? - Yeah, of course, I.. 129 00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:21,669 She dumped me to be with you. I mean.. 130 00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,018 [whistling] 131 00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,976 - Hey, that-- - Shh, it gets better. 132 00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:28,806 ♪ Men ♪♪ 133 00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:30,634 Here ya go. 134 00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:33,811 We got chicken and star soup 135 00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:36,074 and grilled cheese sandwich with the crust cut off. 136 00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:38,033 I-I got dumped by my girlfriend 137 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,558 not pushed off the monkey bars at recess. 138 00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:44,605 And that's why I put whiskey in your sippy cup. 139 00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:47,782 [Alan] What's going on? 140 00:05:47,869 --> 00:05:49,740 Oh, Billy got dumped by Bridget. 141 00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,742 Oh, man, I'm sorry. 142 00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,353 Ah, me and my girlfriend are going through 143 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,180 a bit of a rough patch ourselves. 144 00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:58,270 So, she sewed you up in your sheets while you were sleeping 145 00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,837 and started beating you with a broom? 146 00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,448 Uh, no. 147 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,275 Then it's not a rough patch. 148 00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:08,455 What is it that makes relationships so difficult? 149 00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:09,499 - Women. - Women. 150 00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,240 Exactly. 151 00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,981 I mean, when was the last time you were dating someone 152 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:14,548 and you decided to ask 153 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:17,028 "Where is this relationship going?" 154 00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:19,248 Or "Are you mad at me?" 155 00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:22,120 Yeah, or "What's all this glittery, sparkly stuff 156 00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:23,513 on your pants?" 157 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,909 And guys ask questions that you can answer. 158 00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:30,041 Like, "How are we fixed for ham? " 159 00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:31,260 [sighing] 160 00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,044 Why is my beer empty? 161 00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:35,438 God, I hate it when Lyndsey asks me that. 162 00:06:38,049 --> 00:06:39,573 Oh, I'm sorry. 163 00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,357 Wait, were we doing guys' or girls' questions? 164 00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,881 Yeah, on the other hand, there's no better feeling 165 00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,101 than when you're in a loving, happy relationship. 166 00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:50,758 The sweet release of black tar heroin's a close second. 167 00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:53,108 Well, the good news is neither one of you guys 168 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,501 are going to be single for long. 169 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,024 I mean, you got looks and money. 170 00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:57,112 Thank you, Alan. 171 00:06:57,199 --> 00:07:00,420 And you've got...money. 172 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,683 That's true. 173 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,554 Yeah, and what about you? You got.. 174 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:07,992 ...most of your hair. 175 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,910 Both eyes. 176 00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:16,697 Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, no, you've got a.. 177 00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:19,569 You've got-- 178 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:20,962 To go apologize to my girlfriend. 179 00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:22,093 [Billy] 'Exactly.' 180 00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:27,098 By the way, how are we fixed for ham? 181 00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:28,796 ♪ Men ♪♪ 182 00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:34,715 - Alan. - Wow. 183 00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:38,196 - Oh, uh, hey-hey, Lyndsey. - What are you doing here? 184 00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,068 Well, I've left you a few messages since yesterday. 185 00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:41,069 I don't know if you got them. 186 00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:43,593 I did. 187 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,377 Oh, o-okay. 188 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,249 Well, you look nice. 189 00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:51,427 Did someone die? 190 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:52,602 I'm going out. 191 00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,125 Ooh, girls' night out? 192 00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:55,779 - No. - Oh. 193 00:07:58,434 --> 00:07:59,914 Did someone die? 194 00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:03,700 I have a date with Dr. Staven. 195 00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:06,094 Wait, Dr. Staven, your-your gynecologist? 196 00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,399 That's right. 197 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,618 Is-is this about the other night? 198 00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,011 Because I said I was sorry. 199 00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:11,578 Look, if it'll make you feel better 200 00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:14,624 you can lock me out and I'll pee in your bush. 201 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:17,322 Okay, that came out much worse than I meant it. 202 00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:19,542 Okay, I have to get going. 203 00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:22,327 Are you mad at me? 204 00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:24,286 No, we just have different ideas 205 00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:25,896 of what a relationship should be. 206 00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,855 Well, then let's just sit down and talk about it. 207 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:29,509 Nothing to talk about. 208 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:31,554 Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done.. 209 00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,078 She's mad at me. 210 00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:36,559 They're hot when they're angry, aren't they? 211 00:08:36,646 --> 00:08:37,821 Oh, Herb. 212 00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,083 Geez, you scared me. 213 00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:40,432 Little trouble in paradise? 214 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,653 Oh, yeah, you know, relationships.. 215 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:44,741 You wanna come across the street 216 00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:45,786 for a beer and talk about it? 217 00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:47,831 Oh, sure. Thanks. 218 00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,920 So, uh, what are you doing over here anyway? 219 00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,053 Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's coming out for her 6:15 jog. 220 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,359 - Oh, you jog with her? - No. 221 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:55,578 ♪ Men ♪♪ 222 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,058 Oh, you know, I don't think 223 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:58,538 Judith is going to be too happy to see me. 224 00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,756 Oh, don't worry. She's gone. 225 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,807 Okay, when you say "Gone" 226 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,460 do you mean she's traveling 227 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,375 or is her head in that cooler? 228 00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:14,554 She left me, Alan. 229 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,251 Oh, my God, what happened? 230 00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:19,384 Yeah, I had a moment of weakness with my receptionist. 231 00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:22,866 Actually, 36 and a half moments of weakness. 232 00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:26,348 - Uh, a half? - Judith walked in during 37. 233 00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:29,264 Herb, how could you? 234 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,876 This is my receptionist. 235 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:37,664 I would have finished 37 while she was watching. 236 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:39,013 ♪ Men ♪♪ 237 00:09:43,452 --> 00:09:44,671 ♪ Men ♪♪ 238 00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:49,110 Hey, man, thanks for inviting me over. 239 00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:50,633 I really appreciate it. 240 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,374 Ah, come on, you'd do the same thing for me. 241 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,767 We both know that's not true 242 00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:55,377 but it's sweet of you to say. 243 00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:59,599 And besides, breakups are like a bruise 244 00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,339 and I want to be there when yours turns from dark purple 245 00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:03,428 to yellow. 246 00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:06,475 That is the meanest thing you've ever said. 247 00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,781 Kudos. 248 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,742 Okay, here's a question. 249 00:10:12,829 --> 00:10:16,528 - Who's your dream schtupp? - What? 250 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,661 Any woman in the world, one night, who's it going to be? 251 00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,358 Oh, that's easy. Kate. 252 00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:23,231 Oh, see, right there. That's why I wouldn't have you over. 253 00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:24,798 Who picks their ex-girlfriend? 254 00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:27,931 I mean, I'm talking any woman in the world. 255 00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,280 Okay, dead or alive? 256 00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,152 [scoffs] It doesn't matter. 257 00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:33,110 - Do I have to know her? - Nope. 258 00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:34,329 What if she doesn't like me? 259 00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:35,896 I.. For the love of God. 260 00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:38,072 In the game she has to like you. 261 00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,726 Okay. 262 00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:40,901 Can she be animated? 263 00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,903 Like a, like a cartoon? 264 00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:45,296 Like, you want to be chomped by Ms. Pacman? 265 00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:47,385 No, but I always had these weird feelings 266 00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,910 when I used to see Bugs Bunny in drag. 267 00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:52,347 Fine, she can be animated. 268 00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:54,828 - Her place or mine? - Who cares? 269 00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:57,918 I do. It's hard for me to relax in strange surroundings. 270 00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,223 Okay, you know what? Just forget it. 271 00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,616 But-but I didn't pick a girl. 272 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,531 Just shut up. You ruin everything. 273 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,622 Mother Teresa. 274 00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,015 What? 275 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,495 That woman gave her whole life 276 00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:12,062 for the benefit of mankind. 277 00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:14,674 And one man should give her a little something back. 278 00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:18,155 Hey, guys. 279 00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,767 - Oh, hey. Hey! - Hi. 280 00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:24,771 Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller than I would have thought. 281 00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:27,208 Herb, uh, you remember Walden. This is Billy. 282 00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:28,949 Oh. Hello, Billy. 283 00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:32,082 Alan tells me you got, uh, dumped by Walden's ex-wife. 284 00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:35,129 Yeah, I got dumped by Alan's ex-wife. 285 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:37,261 I guess that makes us dump brothers. 286 00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:38,567 That's, uh.. 287 00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:40,047 Who is this guy? 288 00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,614 You don't recognize your own dump brother? 289 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,616 Herb is the most recent victim 290 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,184 of Judith's unrelenting assault on mankind. 291 00:11:47,271 --> 00:11:49,578 Oh, it sounds like just the kind of horrible 292 00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:51,536 ball-breaker I always end up with. 293 00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:54,017 - Mm-hmm. - She available? 294 00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:56,063 Not emotionally. 295 00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,108 And she's only physically available twice a year. 296 00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:00,676 Twice? Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day. 297 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:01,982 Oh, that explains it. 298 00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:03,723 My birthday's on Valentine's Day. 299 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:07,857 I thought you were going to see Lyndsey. 300 00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,642 I did, right as she was going out on a date. 301 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,035 - Yikes. - Gut-punch. 302 00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:13,689 With her gynecologist. 303 00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:16,910 - Shut up! - What? 304 00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:18,868 That man is a trained vagina handler. 305 00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,565 You do not want him down there. 306 00:12:20,652 --> 00:12:23,655 - He's already been down there. - Yeah, on business. 307 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,789 You don't want him to return on a pleasure cruise. 308 00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,052 I mean, I mean, he could take apart 309 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,576 and reassemble her undercarriage blindfolded. 310 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,143 You're more like a guy trying to put a bookshelf 311 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:34,928 together from IKEA. 312 00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,365 Well, you know what? I don't care. I don't need her. 313 00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:38,975 - That's a good attitude. - Mm-hmm. 314 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:40,237 Exactly. Who needs women? 315 00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:41,717 - Not me. - Me, neither. 316 00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:46,200 Know what we should do? 317 00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:47,418 Go to a bar and pick up some women? 318 00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:48,768 - Yeah. - Yeah. 319 00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:52,336 ♪ Men ♪♪ 320 00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,208 Alright, this is not gonna be that hard. 321 00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:56,427 I mean, look at us. We've got a doctor 322 00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,560 a billionaire, another billionaire. 323 00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:00,475 Billionaire's permanent houseguest. 324 00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:02,259 Ooh, he said I'm permanent. 325 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,307 Check out the talent at three o'clock. 326 00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:09,005 Oh, oh, oh. 327 00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:11,616 Hotsy-totsy! 328 00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,401 Oh, I got dibs on the blonde. 329 00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:15,490 Oh, who's taking the manly one? What manly one? 330 00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,448 Herb's got the one with the Adam's apple. 331 00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:20,625 Okay, what are we gonna do here, guys? 332 00:13:20,712 --> 00:13:22,279 You know, uh, what's the plan? 333 00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:24,194 I mean, uh, teams of two, every man for himself 334 00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,674 uh, shock and awe? 335 00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:27,458 Or we just send in the tall, handsome guy 336 00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:29,156 with the Big Johnson. 337 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:33,203 - I'll see what I can do. - Oh, not you. Pretty boy here. 338 00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:35,815 Well, I am more than just a pretty face. 339 00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:38,992 Come on, man. You can be like the-the great white shark 340 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:40,907 and we'll be the plucky little pilot fish 341 00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:44,040 who swim alongside you and feed off your scraps. 342 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,434 Why do I have to be cursed with all of this? 343 00:13:46,521 --> 00:13:48,566 Back off. 344 00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,264 I will seal the deal. 345 00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:53,963 I've seen this movie before. 346 00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,269 You're going to enjoy it. 347 00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:58,750 Hi. I hate to interrupt, 348 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,752 so I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. 349 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,495 I'm neither tall, nor handsome, but I'm incredibly rich. 350 00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:07,759 So which of you would like the honor 351 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,981 of sleeping with me for $5,000? 352 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,032 I apologize. 353 00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:20,120 Ten thousand. 354 00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:21,773 [scoffs] 355 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,519 [clearing throat] 356 00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:35,744 Gentlemen, the bar has been lowered. 357 00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:40,053 ♪ Men ♪♪ 358 00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,968 This is a great idea, Herb. 359 00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,839 We shouldn't call him Herb. 360 00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,406 We should call him Erb. 361 00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,277 [laughing] 362 00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,714 Well, as a doctor, I have access to some 363 00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,673 pretty righteous chronic. 364 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,022 You're a pediatrician. 365 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:56,112 I prescribe it to the parents. 366 00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:57,461 This would be way better 367 00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:58,985 if there were four hot women in here. 368 00:14:59,072 --> 00:15:01,596 Yeah, and none of you. 369 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,728 Please, the only way you could satisfy four women 370 00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:05,469 is if they were cannibals. 371 00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:06,949 [laughing] 372 00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:09,299 Okay. Yeah. Look, I will have you know 373 00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:11,388 I have no trouble satisfying multiple women. 374 00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,434 In fact, that's kind of the reason 375 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,915 I ended in this big bowl of sausage soup. 376 00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,742 What do you mean? 377 00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:21,964 Bridget and I would enjoy the occasional threesome. 378 00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,880 And by "Occasional," I mean every Friday, Saturday, 379 00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,708 and Sunday night. 380 00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:28,753 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bridget, like, my Bridget? 381 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,060 Yup. She was a weekend warrior. 382 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:34,585 Wow. The closest we ever came to a threesome 383 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:38,111 was one time we dog-sat, and I left the bedroom door open. 384 00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:39,851 Me and that beagle made eye contact 385 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,463 at the most inopportune moment. 386 00:15:42,550 --> 00:15:44,465 Oh, my God. 387 00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:46,728 Well, hey, hey, hey. One word of advice. 388 00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:49,557 Do not look up from the lap of a girl 389 00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,299 you just picked up at Safeway and say to your girlfriend 390 00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:54,910 "My God, I never want this to end!" 391 00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:58,087 Aah, threesomes never work out. 392 00:15:58,174 --> 00:15:59,871 Somebody always feels left out. 393 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,787 That's why my receptionist and I got another couple and swing. 394 00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:05,834 Ooh! Stringbean's a freak. I like it. 395 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:07,836 Yeah, if you and, uh, Bridget ever get back together 396 00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:09,969 maybe she'd like to become a herb-ivore. 397 00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:15,148 I will keep that in mind. 398 00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,150 Okay, so I lied 399 00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:18,847 to the woman I love about who I am. 400 00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,327 Herb cheated on his wife. 401 00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:21,676 And Billy spent too much time 402 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,460 yodeling in the wrong canyon. 403 00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,551 Why did you and Lyndsey break up? 404 00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,510 She wanted a key to the house. 405 00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:34,689 And? 406 00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:37,083 And I said no. 407 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:39,346 Why? 408 00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:41,435 Well, it's-it's not mine to give. It's your house. 409 00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:44,786 Since when does that matter to you? 410 00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,222 Since I don't want my girlfriend 411 00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,268 to have unrestricted access to my house. 412 00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,705 And we're back to your house. 413 00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,402 I like my space! 414 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,187 I-I want to keep my options open. 415 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:57,016 Options? You have op-shun. 416 00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:03,457 "Shun" as in, all other girls shun you. 417 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:04,980 Look, Alan, don't be a schmuck. 418 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,547 If you're gonna throw away your relationship 419 00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,244 do it for a good reason. 420 00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:12,292 Like spending too much time face down in the checkout girl. 421 00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:13,728 Yeah, or, uh, fooling around 422 00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,469 with your hot, young receptionist 423 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,906 who lets you wear a diaper while riding her around the office. 424 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,781 Is one example. 425 00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:27,568 Nobody's gonna think about that next time we see you. 426 00:17:27,655 --> 00:17:29,787 My point is, you're the only one of us 427 00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:31,441 who has a chance to get his girl back. 428 00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:33,487 What about all that stuff about not needing women? 429 00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:35,967 We only said that because we don't have women. 430 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,448 - Really? - Of course, Lyndsey is awesome. 431 00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,842 She really is. She's got the face of an angel 432 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,974 buttocks you can bounce a quarter off 433 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,412 and a bosom that just makes you wish she was your mother. 434 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:50,634 But I'm saying she's awesome. 435 00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:53,376 Just give her the key, Alan. Give her anything she wants. 436 00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,204 Well, it's a little late. She's out with another guy. 437 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,771 Well, no, it's not too late. 438 00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:59,513 Go get her. Go do it for yourself. 439 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,645 Do it for all of us who can't get our girl back. 440 00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:03,038 - Yeah! - Come on, go get her. 441 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,257 - Okay, okay, you're right. - Yeah. 442 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:05,780 You're right. I'm gonna do it! 443 00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:07,521 I'm gonna do it for all of us! There you go. 444 00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:08,913 Oh. 445 00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:17,922 I cannot believe he is our only hope. 446 00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:22,840 ♪ Men ♪♪ 447 00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:24,842 [sighing] 448 00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,063 I don't know what the problem is. 449 00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:31,458 This is delightful. Oh! 450 00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,329 - Oh, boy. - Alan? 451 00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:35,201 Oh, Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi. Hi. 452 00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,463 I-I just need two minutes. 453 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,986 Were you peeing in my bushes? 454 00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,989 What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh.. I'm Alan Harper. 455 00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:42,904 No, thanks. 456 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:44,775 Alan, this is not a good time. 457 00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:46,299 Okay, just-just hear me out, okay? 458 00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:47,474 Look, she said this wasn't a good time. 459 00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:48,997 - 'Get him!' - Whoa, whoa. 460 00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,694 Walden, Herb, what are you doing? 461 00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:52,609 - You'll thank us later. - Put me down. Who are you? 462 00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:54,611 [Herb] 'You look lovely, Lyndsey.' 463 00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:56,047 What the hell is going on? 464 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,745 I swear I had nothing to do with this. 465 00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:59,442 Why did they just take my date away? 466 00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:01,227 Don't worry, I think they're just trying to help. 467 00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:02,837 Help with what? 468 00:19:02,924 --> 00:19:05,013 Okay, I-I know this seems crazy 469 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:08,843 but I've been doing a lot of thinking and... here. 470 00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:10,627 What's this? 471 00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:13,630 A key to the house. I want you to have it. 472 00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:14,979 Really? 473 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,198 Yes, yes, you're my girlfriend. 474 00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:18,548 Mi casa es su casa. 475 00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:23,336 Actually, mi casa es Walden's casa es su casa. 476 00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,860 I think I went to high school with a Sue Casa. 477 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,384 Which is ironic, because she ended up homeless. 478 00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:32,780 Sorry. Anyway, the point is, the key is yours. 479 00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:34,042 What made you change your mind? 480 00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:36,305 I love you, Lyndsey. 481 00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,742 What really made you change your mind? 482 00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:40,875 Alright, here we go. 483 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:44,661 The fact that while you could certainly do better 484 00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,142 there's no way I ever could. 485 00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:49,710 Alan, that is so sweet. 486 00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,190 And so true. 487 00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:55,019 So I know Herb and Walden 488 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:58,284 but who's the lesbian in the bathrobe? 489 00:19:58,371 --> 00:19:59,807 ♪ Men ♪♪ 490 00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,247 Sorry about kidnapping you. 491 00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:06,596 Ah, don't worry about it. 492 00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,511 It was never gonna work with Lyndsey and me. 493 00:20:08,598 --> 00:20:11,035 Outside of her vagina, we have nothing in common. 494 00:20:11,122 --> 00:20:13,603 Doctor to doctor, can I ask you a medical question? 495 00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:15,388 Is it beautiful? 496 00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:16,824 Herb. 497 00:20:16,911 --> 00:20:18,304 Sorry about that, Dr. Staven. 498 00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:20,349 Oh, please, call me Steven. 499 00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,873 Well, Steven Staven? 500 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,180 It's made me a stronger person. 501 00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,617 You know, you wear that robe better than Judith ever did. 502 00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:29,445 Really? I feel boxy. 503 00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:30,794 No, no. 504 00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:31,969 [dog barking] 505 00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:33,101 What was that? 506 00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:34,145 [growling] 507 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,190 [Walden] 'Uh-oh.' 508 00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:39,412 - Oh, crap. - Run, Steven Staven! Run! 509 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,718 Oh! Wait! 510 00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:44,460 - Herb's down! - Leave him! 511 00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:47,158 [Herb] 'Oh, dear God, help me!' 512 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,248 'Tell Lyndsey I love her!' 513 00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:52,120 ♪ Men ♪♪ 514 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,083 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 515 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,261 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 516 00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:05,220 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 517 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,266 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 518 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:10,747 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 519 00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:13,228 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 520 00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:14,490 ♪ Hah-ah aah ♪ 521 00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:15,665 ♪ Men ♪♪