1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,875 I'm determined to find someone who wants to be with me 2 00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:08,008 for whoI am, not what I have. 3 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,618 - You can be whoever you want. - Hmm. 4 00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,099 - I can help you out with that. - Sam Wilson. 5 00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:13,796 Maybe you could crash here. 6 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:16,886 It's great that you're working on your computer stuff 7 00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:18,931 but we need helpnow. 8 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,499 I get it. Say no more. 9 00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:23,588 I'll start looking for a job. 10 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,677 Your job's a way to get by till you get 11 00:00:25,764 --> 00:00:26,983 your big break as a designer. 12 00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:28,463 What if it never happens? 13 00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:30,813 I want to invest in your line of clothing. 14 00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:31,988 Really? 15 00:00:32,075 --> 00:00:33,511 Pack your bags for New York 16 00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:37,907 because I am gonna write you a check for $50,000. 17 00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,604 The stress of living a lie 18 00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,345 is causing you to just fall apart. 19 00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:42,825 You're binge-eating. 20 00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:44,609 - I'll miss you. - I love you, Sam. 21 00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,655 Hello. Walden? 22 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,918 - Why is it so dark in here? - Alan, no! 23 00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:53,705 ♪ Men ♪♪ 24 00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:54,793 Walden! 25 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:55,968 What's happened to you? 26 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,014 What do you mean? 27 00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,712 Uh, okay, I-I don't know how to say this 28 00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:04,238 umm, but you're either wearing a child's shirt 29 00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:05,369 or carrying a child. 30 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,896 Both options raise concerns. 31 00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,377 Hey, I will not apologize for enjoying 32 00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,379 the art of fine cuisine. 33 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:18,513 Says the guy who has barbecue sauce all over his back. 34 00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:24,171 Oh, like I'm the first guy to fall asleep on a McRib. 35 00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:25,737 What are you doing here, Alan? 36 00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:26,956 I'm worried about you. 37 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,479 I haven't seen you in three weeks. 38 00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:29,785 Kate's still in New York. 39 00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:31,743 Why are you still in her apartment? 40 00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,224 I like it here. It's comfortable. 41 00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,965 Besides, the beach house smells like you. 42 00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:37,532 This place smells like Kate. 43 00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:41,144 I'll take "Things a serial killer would say" for $200. 44 00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,451 Do you wanna be my next victim? 45 00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,975 Come on, Walden, look at you. 46 00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:47,846 You're-you're a disgusting blob. 47 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,284 Can you even see your penis past that gut? 48 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,068 What? My penis is like Santa Claus. 49 00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:55,376 I don't need to see it I just need to believe in it. 50 00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:56,681 You know what I believe 51 00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:58,205 living a double life is killing you. 52 00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,163 You don't know what you're talking about. 53 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,862 - So why don't you just go away? - You don't think you need help? 54 00:02:03,949 --> 00:02:06,517 - I know I don't need help. - Fine, then I'll leave. 55 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,609 Hey, Alan? 56 00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:14,656 Yeah! 57 00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,005 I need help. 58 00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:19,574 Oh, buddy, it's-it's gonna be okay. 59 00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:22,054 No, it's not gonna be okay. 60 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,273 I'm out of control! 61 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,754 I'm lying to the woman I love! 62 00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:27,799 The only thing I do more than lie 63 00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:30,367 is eat raw cookie dough. 64 00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,195 And I think I have salmonella. 65 00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:34,980 Don't worry. 66 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:36,765 Alan's here now. 67 00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:37,853 We're gonna get you.. 68 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,161 ...hosed down and.. 69 00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:44,120 ...back in shape and-and feeling like your old self again. 70 00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:45,861 - You think so? - Oh, absolutely. 71 00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:47,384 And-And after we do 72 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,647 you're gonna call up Kate and tell her the truth. 73 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,040 What? No, I can't. 74 00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,563 - You have to. - Why? 75 00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:55,392 Because the truth will set you free, and you know it. 76 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:58,047 Okay. Maybe you're right. 77 00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,223 There you go. 78 00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:04,053 Plus, it'd be nice to lose the gut and see my penis again. 79 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,969 And I'm sure he'd like to see you, too. 80 00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:09,580 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 81 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:10,668 ♪ Ha-ah ah ♪ 82 00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:12,192 ♪ Men ♪♪ 83 00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:17,371 ♪ Men ♪♪ 84 00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:18,676 Getting you back in shape 85 00:03:18,763 --> 00:03:19,982 is not gonna be easy. 86 00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,505 It's gonna be a long haul. 87 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:24,116 It'll take exercise, diet and discipline. 88 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,728 Don't make such a big deal about this. I look fine. 89 00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,209 Aw, look who's got a little belly. 90 00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:35,040 Let's do this thing. 91 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,000 [trumpet music] 92 00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,962 [music continues] 93 00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,964 Oh, that was easy. 94 00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,708 ♪ Men ♪♪ 95 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,536 [beeping] 96 00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:54,669 - Hey, you. - Hi, babe. 97 00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,366 How's the prep for the show going? 98 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,759 Oh, my God. 99 00:03:57,846 --> 00:04:01,980 Everybody here is pretentious, bitchy and high. 100 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,418 I love New York! 101 00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:06,463 Are you sure you're not Skyping from heaven? 102 00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:10,989 Because you appear to be surrounded by half-naked angels. 103 00:04:11,076 --> 00:04:13,601 Oh, yeah, that's Britte and Inga. 104 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,820 I guess they're done throwing up their lunch. 105 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,779 Well, I've got great news. 106 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:19,389 I'll be there tomorrow. 107 00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,739 You do realize they'll be dressed by then. 108 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:24,525 No,I'm coming to seeyou. 109 00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:27,310 But if the models are still there and we wind up 110 00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:29,573 getting in a pillow fight in our hotel bed, then so be it. 111 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,793 [chuckles] Are you really coming? 112 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,969 Yeah, and.. 113 00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:35,492 ...I gotta big surprise for you. 114 00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,886 Oh.. Wait, hang on a sec. 115 00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,714 How can you afford a plane ticket? 116 00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,369 Well, Alan is flying me on his jet. 117 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:45,154 Oh! Alan's coming, too. 118 00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:46,721 Yay. 119 00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,375 Don't worry about him. 120 00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,942 I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Oh, and do me a favor. 121 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:54,206 Before I get there, make sure those models have clothes on. 122 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,601 How do you feel about naughty school girl outfits? 123 00:04:57,688 --> 00:05:00,300 I find them degrading. 124 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:01,475 And perfect. 125 00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,041 [chuckles] 126 00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:05,305 - I love you, Sam. - I love you. 127 00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,613 So did you tell her? 128 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:10,745 No. 129 00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,877 I wanna tell her in person. 130 00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,052 'So pack your bags.' 131 00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,489 We're going to New York. 132 00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:17,752 Me? Why am I going? 133 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:19,754 This is really scary for me, Alan. 134 00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,016 I need the support of my friend. 135 00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:22,365 Well, you got it. 136 00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,019 - Thank you. - Uh, uh, Walden-- 137 00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:25,629 Yes, I'll cover your expenses. 138 00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:28,371 - Great. Umm-- - Yes, I'll give you per diem. 139 00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:33,202 If he ever gets a real friend, I'm screwed. 140 00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:37,162 ♪ Men ♪♪ 141 00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:40,470 You know what we should do in New York? Go see a musical. 142 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:43,212 Yeah, maybe. 143 00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,649 If I put my life back together. 144 00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:46,781 Of course. 145 00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,828 So what are you thinking, Jersey Boys? 146 00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:53,004 ♪ Walk like aman ♪ 147 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:56,051 ♪ Talk like aman♪♪ 148 00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:57,531 I don't really have a preference. 149 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:01,578 Can't go wrong with Wicked. 150 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:04,842 Sure. 151 00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,280 Then again, Mamma Mia. 152 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,065 I can never see that show enough. 153 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,545 I own the movie on Blu-ray. 154 00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,462 Two words. Delightful romp. 155 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,553 You do realize the whole point of this trip is to 156 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,077 tell the woman I love that I'm actually someone else? 157 00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:24,209 Oh, I get it. 158 00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:28,039 If that story was on Broadway, I'd see it in a heartbeat. 159 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:31,216 Walden Schmidt in Les Mis-Representation 160 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:33,871 of Who he Is. 161 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:37,179 - Thanks for the support. - Oh,comeon. 162 00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:39,921 Lighten up. Everything's gonna be fine. 163 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,793 I hope she doesn't like Sam more than she likes Walden. 164 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,708 Why would she? 165 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,624 Well, a lot of reasons. One, Sam's better in bed. 166 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:49,974 - What? - He tries harder. 167 00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:53,108 He has to compensate for all the other things he doesn't have. 168 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,326 He's banging scared. 169 00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:59,680 If that's true, I'd be the best lay on the planet. 170 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,203 I just don't wanna lose her. 171 00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:02,422 Oh, you won't. 172 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,602 But it's fun to lose yourself in the magic of Broadway. 173 00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:11,953 - Alan. - Fine. 174 00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,261 Well, it's too bad you're in a relationship. 175 00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:19,743 Kate's show will be packed with half-naked supermodels. 176 00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,179 S-Supermodels? 177 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:24,008 - Yeah. - Wow. 178 00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:27,664 Excuse me a second. I'm-I'm gonna make a call. 179 00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:28,709 My girl. 180 00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,670 - Hey, Lyndsey. - Hey, what's up? 181 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,759 [Alan] 'I'm on Walden's jet.' 182 00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,369 I'm flying to New York City. 183 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,588 [Lyndsey] 'For what?' 184 00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,634 A fashion show, maybe take in a musical. 185 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,332 Ah! Guys' weekend. 186 00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,247 Yes, exactly. 187 00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:47,336 Um, so anyhow, I just wanted to.. 188 00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,251 ...make sure you still love me. 189 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,558 Of course I do. Why would you even ask? 190 00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,385 Well, you know, I'm on a plane. 191 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,562 You know, anything can happen at any time. 192 00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,738 Don't worry, Alan. I love you. 193 00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,957 'And we're gonna be together forever.' 194 00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,525 O-Okay, sweetie. I love you, too. Bye-bye. 195 00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,748 Son of a bitch. 196 00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,184 ♪ Men ♪♪ 197 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,405 Oh, my! Oh, my! 198 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,670 Oh, oh, gee, so, so tall, so 199 00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,020 so very tall, oh, oh 200 00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:20,804 that-that, that's an 11. 201 00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:23,415 And and now we've got a-a 12. 202 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,939 Oh, God, can you believe this? 203 00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:27,245 All these beautiful women, and I'm off the market. 204 00:08:27,332 --> 00:08:30,814 Yeah! 'cause that's what models are looking for 205 00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,816 a middle-aged, twice divorced, broke-ass guy 206 00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,079 who lives in a guest room with a dehumidifier 207 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,516 and my old tax returns. 208 00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:39,475 Ooh, I make enough money to pay taxes. 209 00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:40,998 Rub my nose in it. 210 00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,612 I'm just nervous, I don't know if I can do this. 211 00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:47,178 I feel like I'm gonna puke. 212 00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:48,440 This is the place for it. 213 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,486 Grab a feather and get in line. 214 00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:51,531 [Kate] 'Sam!' 215 00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,924 Hi, Kate. 216 00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,012 Hi. 217 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,405 [Kate chuckles] 218 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:59,539 Alan, it's so good to.. 219 00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:00,931 Alan! 220 00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,933 I'm very, very happy for you. 221 00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:05,457 I hope this fashion show brings you all the success. 222 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,068 - Thank you. - Why don't I.. 223 00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:09,331 ...leave you two alone while I fill my head 224 00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:10,680 with images to think of 225 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,464 when I'm having sex with the woman I love. 226 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,382 I am so happy you're here. 227 00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:19,167 I wouldn't miss it for the world. 228 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:20,864 So, what's this big surprise 229 00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,388 you had to fly all the way to New York to talk to me about? 230 00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:27,044 Yeah, the surpriseis.. 231 00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:29,264 Okay, uh.. 232 00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,874 - Close your eyes. - Alright. 233 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:35,444 Kate, I'd like you to meet Walden Schmidt. 234 00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:41,058 I don't understand. 235 00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,147 My name's not Sam Wilson. 236 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,715 It's Walden Schmidt. 237 00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,151 What? 238 00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:51,242 ♪ Walk like a man Talk like a man ♪ 239 00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:55,246 ♪ Walk like a man, my son ♪ 240 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:56,683 ♪ No woman's worth.. ♪♪ 241 00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,467 ♪ Men ♪♪ 242 00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:02,950 ♪ Men ♪♪ 243 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,125 Wait a sec. 244 00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:06,780 Your name's not Sam Wilson? 245 00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,564 No. 246 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:09,826 And I'm not broke, either. 247 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,047 I have a lot of money. 248 00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:16,267 In fact, I have more than a lot. 249 00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:18,574 Like, think about a lot of money 250 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:21,272 and then multiply it by ten.. 251 00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,447 ...thousand. 252 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,668 But how is this possible? 253 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,452 You worked at a Christmas tree lot. 254 00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:29,280 You didn't chip in on the rent. 255 00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,979 I saw you use toilet paper as a coffee filter. 256 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,981 That's only because the day before 257 00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:37,158 I used the last coffee filter as toilet paper. 258 00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:40,204 Okay. Why are you doing this, Sam? 259 00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:41,771 It's not Sam. 260 00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:44,252 - It's Walden. - Okay, whatever your name is! 261 00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:47,255 Why would you lie about who you are? 262 00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,997 Because I wanted to meet someone like you. 263 00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:52,303 Someone who's kind and genuine 264 00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:54,175 and sweet and not after my money. 265 00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:57,918 Someone that I felt like, I had a real connection with. 266 00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,834 So, to make sure you could trust me 267 00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:01,965 you lied to me? 268 00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:03,445 I'm really sorry. 269 00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,055 I-I got caught up in it 270 00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:07,841 then I-I couldn't figure out how to get out, and it.. 271 00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:12,019 Trust me, you are the most amazing person I've ever met. 272 00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,368 I love you 273 00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:15,892 whether I'm Sam Wilson or Walden Schmidt. 274 00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:17,894 Well, good for you. 275 00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:21,898 Unfortunately, I have no idea who Walden Schmidt is. 276 00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,726 Kate, wait. 277 00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,641 You know what? 278 00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:27,164 This whole time 279 00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,514 I thought he was the douche. 280 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,168 Turns out you're the douche. 281 00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:39,089 Unbelievable! 282 00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:40,438 She likes me. 283 00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,312 ♪ Men ♪♪ 284 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:47,794 How you doing? 285 00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:51,493 I've been better. 286 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,235 Aw, I'm sorry, buddy. 287 00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:57,368 You know what might cheer you up? 288 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,196 There are still tickets for tonight's performance 289 00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,068 of Jersey Boys. 290 00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,113 We're not going to Jersey Boys. 291 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,898 Oh, I totally get it. 292 00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,638 Lion King it is. 293 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,902 We're not going to any musical at all. 294 00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,643 Fine. 295 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:15,343 I just don't understand why we both have to be depressed. 296 00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:18,476 I don't think she's ever going to forgive me. 297 00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:19,956 Why would she? 298 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,873 I mean, I-I-I lied to her about everything. 299 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,396 I don't wanna give anything away 300 00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:29,749 in case you change your mind and we do go, but when 301 00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:32,664 Simba lies to his friends 302 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,537 by not telling them that he's the Lion King 303 00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:40,150 they forgive him after a few short but snappy dance numbers. 304 00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:43,893 Life is not a musical, Alan. 305 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,939 So knock it off. 306 00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:48,680 See, that wouldn't have hurt so much if you'd sung it. 307 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,598 I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just upset. 308 00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:56,253 I mean, I did, what I did for love. 309 00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:01,128 Am I really that bad of a guy? 310 00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:03,130 ♪ You're a douche you're a douche ♪ 311 00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:05,393 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 312 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,265 ♪ You broke that poor girl's heart ♪ 313 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,311 ♪ You're a douche you're a douche ♪ 314 00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,269 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 315 00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:15,403 ♪ You should have told the truth right from the start ♪ 316 00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:19,233 ♪ But my intentions were good I was no slave to my wood ♪ 317 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,497 ♪ I wanted her to love me for me ♪ 318 00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:27,850 ♪ He does have lots of riches which attracts lot of bitches ♪ 319 00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,983 ♪ Thank you, Alan, but you'll never be on Glee ♪ 320 00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,419 ♪ Aw crap ♪ 321 00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:32,899 ♪ If I may throw in my two cents ♪ 322 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,901 ♪ Your love was based on a pretense ♪ 323 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:38,034 ♪ Your relationship with mother is to blame ♪ 324 00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:40,167 ♪ You didn't suckle on her boobies ♪ 325 00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:41,951 ♪ You self-medicate with doobies ♪ 326 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:44,475 ♪ Which explains why you used a made-up name ♪ 327 00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:45,912 ♪ Cue the refrain ♪ 328 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,174 ♪ You're a douche you're a douche ♪ 329 00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,393 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 330 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,614 ♪ Everything you said was a lie ♪ 331 00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,268 ♪ You're a douche you're a douche ♪ 332 00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,139 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 333 00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:59,142 ♪ But you're still a really, really handsome guy ♪ 334 00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:01,144 ♪ Thank you Then what am I to do ♪ 335 00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,930 ♪ So I don't always live with you ♪ 336 00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:06,236 ♪ Wow that hurts my feelings ♪ 337 00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:10,153 ♪ But since I live there beneath your ceilings ♪ 338 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,678 ♪ I'll bite the pillow like the prison bitches do ♪ 339 00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,158 ♪ Woo-oh ♪ 340 00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:16,725 ♪ If she gives me one more chance ♪ 341 00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,335 ♪ We can have a real romance ♪ 342 00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:21,730 ♪ If she doesn't we can party in my pants ♪ 343 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:25,429 ♪ Excuse me no disrespect But I have to interject ♪ 344 00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:29,651 ♪ What makes you think you can steal the show ♪ 345 00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,305 ♪ 'Cause I'm gay ♪ 346 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,133 ♪ Oh you're so clearly from L.A. ♪ 347 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,656 ♪ Yes I'm gay ♪ 348 00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,353 ♪ And he will always be that way ♪ 349 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,138 ♪ I'm gay ♪ 350 00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,270 ♪ Or as his Jersey friends would say ♪ 351 00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:43,186 ♪ A-yo badda bing he's a big ol' 'mo ♪ 352 00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:46,450 ♪ Excuse me but we seem to be digressing ♪ 353 00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:50,063 ♪ And I find it to be quite distressing ♪ 354 00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:53,327 ♪ Can we sing about the problem that's at hand ♪ 355 00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:57,026 ♪ Can Kate get over Sam and love who I am ♪ 356 00:14:57,113 --> 00:15:00,247 ♪ You confusin' me for someone who gives a damn ♪ 357 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:01,901 ♪ So bottom line ♪ 358 00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,250 ♪ You're a douche you're a douche ♪ 359 00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:05,513 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 360 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,211 ♪ And I'll die sad and alone ♪ 361 00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,952 ♪ You're a douche you're a douche ♪ 362 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,519 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 363 00:15:11,606 --> 00:15:12,999 [cell-phone ringing] 364 00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,349 Hold it, everybody, that's my phone. 365 00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,568 Hello! Kate! 366 00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:20,006 [Kate] 'You're a douche.' 367 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,572 ♪ Douche douche douche douche ♪ 368 00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,313 ♪ Douche-y douche douche douche ♪ 369 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,664 ♪ Douche you're a douche oh what a douche ♪ 370 00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:29,711 ♪ You couldn't say it meaner I'm a big vagina cleaner ♪ 371 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:33,323 ♪ Didn't do what I oughta I'm vinegar and water ♪ 372 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:36,587 ♪ On this we all agree ♪♪ Oh yes we all agree ♪ 373 00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,764 ♪ Oh good you finally see the shining sea ♪ 374 00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:42,854 ♪ Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E douche ♪ 375 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,293 ♪ Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E douche ♪ 376 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:49,557 ♪ Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E douche ♪ 377 00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,690 ♪ Drumroll ♪ 378 00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,779 ♪ You're a douche ♪♪ I'm a douche ♪ 379 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,694 ♪ Just a big fizzy douche ♪ 380 00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:59,697 ♪ And that's all I'll ever be ♪ 381 00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,351 ♪ You're a douche ♪♪ Just a douche ♪ 382 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,874 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 383 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:08,184 ♪ And that's all you'll ever be ♪ 384 00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:10,926 ♪ Douche ♪♪ 385 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,188 [cell phone ringing] 386 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,886 [Alan] 'Walden.' 387 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,019 Walden. 388 00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,803 Uh, your phone's ringing. 389 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:20,544 [cell phone ringing] 390 00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,851 Uh! 391 00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,026 [ringing continues] 392 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:26,898 It's Kate. 393 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,031 Hey, Kate. 394 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:30,076 Yeah! 395 00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,164 I can meet. 396 00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:33,122 Yeah, I-I'll be right there. 397 00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,037 Okay. 398 00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,996 She wants to see me. 399 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,258 Here, take care of the check for me. 400 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,042 Will do. 401 00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:55,362 Douche. 402 00:16:57,973 --> 00:17:00,715 ♪ Men ♪♪ 403 00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:03,065 Hey! 404 00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,153 Hey! 405 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,589 How'd the show go? 406 00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,070 It was pretty amazing, actually. 407 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:11,943 The buyer from Neiman Marcus is interested in my stuff. 408 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,597 That's great. 409 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:16,644 About halfway through the show, I realized that 410 00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:19,951 Alan probably didn't pay for this, did he? 411 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,171 No. 412 00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:24,260 But if the models ask, throw him a bone. 413 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,045 [chuckles] 414 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,872 Thank you. 415 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,135 I'm really sorry. 416 00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:34,488 Do you think that there's a way that we can make this work? 417 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,794 I don't know. 418 00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,753 I mean, I trusted you, and.. 419 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:39,971 ...you didn't trust me. 420 00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:44,193 Now I don't even know who you are. 421 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,370 Well, if you think about it, I'm really the same guy. 422 00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:50,025 I just have a better watch 423 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,418 better car 424 00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:52,680 'better house' 425 00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,682 'better..' 426 00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,205 ...jet. 427 00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:00,122 So nothing about you is real. 428 00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:03,647 What's real is that I love you. 429 00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:05,345 Okay! 430 00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:06,476 Well.. 431 00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,609 ...I'm gonna need some time.. 432 00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:09,958 ...to process all of this. 433 00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,097 So.. 434 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:19,185 ...you think.. 435 00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:21,274 ...maybe when we get back to L.A. 436 00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:23,667 - I'm not going back to L.A. - What? 437 00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:25,887 Yeah, thanks to you, I.. 438 00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,194 ...might have a life here now. 439 00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:29,760 Wow! 440 00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:33,503 I didn't think any of this through, did I? 441 00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:35,810 Apparently not, Walden Smith. 442 00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:37,159 It's actually Schmidt. 443 00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:39,683 You know, it's not important. 444 00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:43,296 So, I guess I'll just.. 445 00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,514 ...wait to hear from you. 446 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:45,820 I guess so. 447 00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:49,215 Good-bye, Sam. 448 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:55,438 [footsteps] 449 00:18:55,525 --> 00:18:57,136 It's Walden. 450 00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:59,877 Hey, look who needs a ride back to L.A. 451 00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,228 Yeah! Alan the billionaire's got a big jet. 452 00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:08,190 It slipped out while they were running away from me. 453 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,626 ♪ Men ♪♪ 454 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,762 ♪ Men ♪♪ 455 00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,633 Ooh, too much champagne! 456 00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:19,984 They are.. 457 00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,682 ...awfully pretty. 458 00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,553 Yeah. 459 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:24,641 You, uh, you gonna? 460 00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:28,036 [indistinct chattering] 461 00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,820 Not, I'm not interested. 462 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:30,952 Oh-ho, me, neither. 463 00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,258 You know, I've a girlfriend. 464 00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:35,478 But, you know, if we could.. 465 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,567 ...which-which one would you choose? 466 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,354 [indistinct chattering] 467 00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:42,529 Probably the brunette. 468 00:19:42,616 --> 00:19:43,791 Really? The brunette? 469 00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:46,707 Oh, you want the brunette? 470 00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:48,709 Oh, me? No, I.. 471 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,928 ...I said, you know the aforementioned girlfriend. 472 00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:54,802 Although.. 473 00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,717 ...Lyndsey is a blonde and.. 474 00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:58,936 ...the brunette would make a very nice palate cleanser. 475 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:03,593 You know, uh, hypothetically. 476 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,334 Fine, you can have the brunette. 477 00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:06,422 Hypothetically. 478 00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,598 If we're talking hypothetically 479 00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:11,297 it's my plane, you're not here, and I'm taking them both. 480 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,256 Right. Are we done with this? 481 00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:15,388 Hypothetically. 482 00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:20,610 So, uh, I assume you're moving back into the beach house. 483 00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:21,829 - Yeah. - Good. Good. 484 00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,396 The place felt empty without you. 485 00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:25,746 Oh,please.You loved every minute of it. 486 00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:28,096 I did. I really did. 487 00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:30,794 I got to tell you, your bed ruined me. 488 00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,318 And I ruined it. 489 00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:34,798 Ugh. 490 00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:38,628 I'm sorry, buddy. You were gone a long time. 491 00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:42,980 I'm just gonna miss waking up next to Kate every morning. 492 00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:46,201 I'm gonna miss driving your fancy sports car. 493 00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:50,814 I'm gonna miss the way she held my hand when we watched a movie. 494 00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,599 I'm gonna miss the way your underwear 495 00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:53,861 felt fresh from the dryer. 496 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:57,995 I'm taking the brunette. 497 00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:03,610 ♪ Douche ♪♪ 498 00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:10,530 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men♪ 499 00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:13,707 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men♪ 500 00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:16,405 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 501 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,625 ♪ Oh-ho-oho-oh ♪ 502 00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:22,063 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 503 00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,587 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 504 00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:25,806 ♪ Ha-ah ah ♪ 505 00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:26,937 ♪ Men ♪♪