1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:05,527
I am determined to find someone
who wants to be with me

2
00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:08,008
for who I am
not what I have.

3
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,487
I need to buy a little
bit of everything.

4
00:00:09,574 --> 00:00:10,706
I can help you out with that.

5
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:13,100
I appreciate it...Kate.

6
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:15,450
Not a problem..

7
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:16,668
Sam Wilson.

8
00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:18,627
It's refreshing

9
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,324
talking to someone like you
for a change.

10
00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:21,804
- Someone like me?
- Yeah

11
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,980
Someone who's not constantly
trying to impress me

12
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,503
with how much stuff he's got.

13
00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:27,723
Kate, this is my friend Alan.

14
00:00:27,810 --> 00:00:29,594
Thanks so much
for pickin' us up.

15
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,074
Yeah, this clown
rents a room from me

16
00:00:31,161 --> 00:00:32,641
suddenly I'm running
a taxi service.

17
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:33,990
You should move out.

18
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,122
Can't afford to.

19
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:36,558
Maybe you could crash here.

20
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:37,950
Have you really
thought this through?

21
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,691
I've gotta see
where this goes with Kate.

22
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:41,824
- Promise me one thing.
- What's that?

23
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,782
That we're always honest
with each other.

24
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,089
You got it.

25
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:48,004
♪ Men ♪♪

26
00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,397
Anyways, I hope that it's okay

27
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:50,876
that I have people
over on Christmas.

28
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,574
It's just Jake
and Lyndsey and my mom.

29
00:00:52,661 --> 00:00:54,010
Of course.
It's the holidays.

30
00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,272
It's the time to be
with the ones you love.

31
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:58,754
Right. Uh, and my mom.

32
00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:02,105
So, uh, so listen, Sam Wilson,
how are things in Poorville?

33
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,759
Are you "Les Miserables?"

34
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:05,587
Actually, it's a hoot.

35
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,026
You know, last night
Kate and I went shopping

36
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:11,680
at the 99 Cent Store.

37
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,334
That place is amazing.

38
00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:15,814
Did you know that everything
there is 99 cents?

39
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:19,253
Know it, I registered
there for my wedding.

40
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:24,258
Two cans of peaches- 99 cents.
Four-pack of yogurt- 99 cents.

41
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,911
This owl-shaped mug?

42
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,826
99 cents.

43
00:01:27,913 --> 00:01:29,524
Guess how much
the wine inside was?

44
00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:32,092
Uh, I'm going to go out
on a limb and say 99 cents?

45
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:35,138
79 cents.

46
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:37,009
Dented box.

47
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,837
From now on, I'm buying
everything from that place.

48
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:40,317
Uh, not condoms.

49
00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:43,103
I think that's how
I ended up with Jake.

50
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:45,017
- Hey.
- Hey, baby.

51
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,716
- Uh, I gotta go.
- Oh, hey, Katie.

52
00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:49,935
Alan.
How are you?

53
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:52,242
I'm fine, just, uh...
sipping some wine I got

54
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:55,419
at the 999 Dollar Store.

55
00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:56,899
Bye, Alan.

56
00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:59,858
Douche.

57
00:01:59,945 --> 00:02:00,946
Don't worry about him.

58
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:02,034
How was your day?

59
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,298
It's Christmas, Sam.

60
00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:06,517
Happy people wishing you
"Peace on Earth."

61
00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:09,041
- It was horrible.
- Okay.

62
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,434
Somebody's got
a case of the grinches.

63
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:13,133
No, it's a case
of nine-hour shifts

64
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:16,527
listening to Celine Dion
murder "O Holy Night."

65
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:18,312
If I ever meet
that skinny bitch

66
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:21,576
I'm going to beat
the "O Holy" crap out of her.

67
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:24,883
And that's what Christmas
is all about.

68
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,581
I'm sorry.

69
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:27,843
Tell me about your day.

70
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:30,541
After you left,
I made some breakfast..

71
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:32,804
Oh, I got the mail.

72
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:35,285
And then I did some work on
that app I've been developing

73
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:38,506
and then I did some serious
research on World War II.

74
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:39,985
Really?

75
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,987
I fell asleep watching
the History Channel.

76
00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:43,685
Sweetie, can I be
honest with you?

77
00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,208
Yeah. What's up?

78
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:48,124
I am working my ass off.

79
00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:51,606
It would be really,
really nice if you could

80
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,347
I don't know,
pitch in a little.

81
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,743
You heard the part about me
getting the mail, right?

82
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:01,920
You do understand that what came
in the mail is a pile of bills?

83
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,922
I mean, I think it is great
that you're working

84
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:07,404
on your computer stuff
but we need help now.

85
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,754
I get it.
Say no more.

86
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:11,930
I'll start
looking for a job.

87
00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:13,628
Thank you.

88
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:14,890
And don't worry, it's not like
I expect you to make

89
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:15,934
a million dollars or anything.

90
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:17,197
Oh, thank God.

91
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,809
[cell phone ringing]

92
00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:23,072
Go ahead.
I'm going to go run a bath.

93
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:24,987
I reek of comfort and joy.

94
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,296
Hey, Billy. What's up?

95
00:03:29,383 --> 00:03:31,863
Nothing much, just running
our company while you take

96
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,561
some personal time.

97
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:35,693
Why don't you just man up
and admit you're in rehab?

98
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:38,218
I am not in rehab.
I told you.

99
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:39,915
I'm on a spiritual journey.

100
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,743
Spiritual journey.
Yeah, you know what?

101
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:45,703
I've been on four of those.
I still wake up craving meth.

102
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,749
I call it "Eat, Pray, Love

103
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:50,621
"have angry sex
with an Asian hooker."

104
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,754
What do you want, Billy?

105
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:54,712
[Billy]
'I'm just keeping you in the
loop about what's going on.'

106
00:03:54,799 --> 00:03:56,279
We got new computers
in the bullpen.

107
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,020
We got a staple-less stapler.

108
00:03:58,107 --> 00:03:59,935
Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy
a controlling interest

109
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,851
in the company for 800 million
and the redhead in marketing

110
00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:04,548
is not wearing bras.

111
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,682
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

112
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:10,206
There's a staple-less stapler?

113
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,295
I think we should
take his offer.

114
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:15,080
Billy, we built the Electric
Suitcase from the ground up.

115
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,952
I mean, besides,
we've been here before.

116
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:19,128
You hated the fact
that I sold our last company

117
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:20,869
and I've come to realize
that you were right.

118
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:23,567
I hated Tarnell, the gangster
who sold me crack

119
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:26,222
but I was still happy
to work with him.

120
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,528
I mean, look,
this is a good offer.

121
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:30,313
- We should take it.
- Okay.

122
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,360
Tell him 1.2 billion,
but we keep control.

123
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,318
Where do you think we're
going to get a better offer?

124
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,538
Bath's ready.
Want to join me?

125
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:39,757
I just got a better offer.
Good-bye.

126
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:44,632
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

127
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:45,676
♪ Ha-ah ah ♪

128
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,287
♪ Men ♪♪

129
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,727
♪ Men ♪♪

130
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:56,513
♪ Mele kalikimaka
is the thing to say ♪

131
00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:00,387
♪ On a bright Hawaiian
Christmas day ♪

132
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:04,129
♪ That's the island greeting
that we send to you ♪

133
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:08,656
♪ From a land
where palm trees sway ♪

134
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,658
♪ Here we know.. ♪♪ Here we know that Christmas ♪

135
00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:13,617
♪ Will be green
and bright ♪

136
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:16,272
Geez! You scared me.
I nearly dropped the champagne.

137
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:18,361
Where did you get money
to buy champagne?

138
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:20,276
You left some for me.

139
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:22,931
- For emergencies.
- Yeah.

140
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:25,586
We were out of champagne.

141
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,196
So, what are you doing here?

142
00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:29,590
What am I doing here
in my house?

143
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,113
Uh, uh, I'm sorry,
let me rephrase that.

144
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,071
Uh, uh, great to see you.
What brings you by?

145
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,812
I'm doing laundry
for Kate and me.

146
00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:36,466
Really?
You did laundry.

147
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:40,731
- No, I did laundry.
- Thank you.

148
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:42,603
So, you're, like,
some sort of kept man, huh?

149
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,431
Well, I'm supposed
to be out job hunting

150
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:45,823
but it's kind of hard
since Sam Wilson

151
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,347
doesn't actually exist.

152
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,261
I can help you there.

153
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,003
Five grand will get you
a clean Social Security card

154
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,483
and a new set
of fingerprints.

155
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:58,053
- Six will get you the fingers.
- The fingers?

156
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:01,448
Better to have and not need
than to need and not have.

157
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,758
Hey, uh, why don't you
just go to an ATM

158
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:10,457
pull out a few thousand dollars
and tell her you got a job?

159
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:12,502
But that would be lying.

160
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:16,071
Oh, no, you wouldn't want
to lie to her, Sam Wilson.

161
00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:18,203
Let me explain something
to you, Alan.

162
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:20,205
Walden Schmidt lies.

163
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:22,643
Sam Wilson tells the truth.

164
00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:25,210
Besides, I like
Sam Wilson's life.

165
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:28,518
It feels more like..
I don't know, real life.

166
00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:29,954
Yeah, I get that.

167
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,739
That's why I like
to sleep in your bed.

168
00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:34,611
Feels more like a...real bed.

169
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:35,656
Oh, and get this.

170
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:37,266
I got a call from Billy today.

171
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:40,443
We got an offer to buy
our company for $800 million.

172
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,405
Excuse me a sec.

173
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,899
$800 million!

174
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,120
Yeah.
We turned it down.

175
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,208
You turned it down.

176
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,438
♪ Men ♪♪

177
00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:20,788
Check it out.

178
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,617
[Kate]
'Oh, Sam.'

179
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:24,835
I hope you stole that.

180
00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:27,272
It wasn't that expensive.

181
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,623
We barely made rent
this month.

182
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,277
I know,
but it's Christmas.

183
00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:33,409
You don't have to tell me.

184
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,063
I'm earning extra money

185
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:38,327
by making a Santa outfit
for my boss' labra-doodle.

186
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:39,676
Aw, that's cute.

187
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,852
Then I'm gonna make
three wise men costumes

188
00:07:41,939 --> 00:07:43,637
for her cats.

189
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:45,465
And just like that,
cute becomes creepy.

190
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,337
Okay, I'm going
to go change.

191
00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:49,338
I've gotta lead
on a job.

192
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:50,861
- Really?
- Yeah.

193
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:53,473
If that doesn't work,
I'm gonna rob a bank.

194
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,779
I hope the 99 Cent Store
sells ski masks.

195
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,263
- Oh, man.
- What?

196
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,308
I forgot to give Santa
a tail-hole.

197
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,224
Worst Christmas carol ever.

198
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,489
♪ Men ♪♪

199
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,316
[computer beeping]

200
00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:15,016
- Hey, dad.
- Hey, buddy.

201
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,452
You excited about Christmas?

202
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,976
Yeah, that's actually
why I was calling.

203
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,674
I'm not gonna be able
to make it home this year.

204
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,414
What? Why?

205
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,460
My girlfriend Tammy Sue
asked me to spend Christmas

206
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:26,114
with her and her three kids.

207
00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:29,857
I'm pretending to be Santa
and also their various fathers.

208
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,902
Oh, kill me.

209
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:33,425
H-H-How did you meet this woman?

210
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,167
I play softball
with her parole officer.

211
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,343
Oh, dig me up and kill me again.

212
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,957
Alright, well,
I hope I see you soon.

213
00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,611
Don't worry,
we'll all come visit

214
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:47,352
as soon as Tammy Sue
gets her ankle bracelet off.

215
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,877
That will be a magical day.

216
00:08:49,964 --> 00:08:53,054
Yeah. Alright.
Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye.

217
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,272
Merry Christmas, Jake.

218
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,233
[sighs]

219
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,366
Time now for the magic
of bourbon.

220
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,064
♪ Men ♪♪

221
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,544
Hi.

222
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,589
I was here earlier.
I bought a tree.

223
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:09,331
Uh, I was hoping I could talk
to you about something else.

224
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,333
If somebody told you
I'm selling pot here

225
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,988
that is just crazy talk.

226
00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:16,686
Uh, no.
I saw the "Help wanted" sign.

227
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:19,428
- I was hoping to get a job.
- Oh. Have a seat.

228
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:24,651
You got any, uh,
Christmas tree experience?

229
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:28,306
Well, I-I've
decorated a bunch.

230
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,700
Experience- none.

231
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,789
Wait, it's selling
Christmas trees.

232
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:34,356
Pop quiz, hot shot.

233
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,010
A mom walks in,
she's driving a Lexus.

234
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:38,012
She's got a big living room,
cathedral ceiling.

235
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,710
What are you pushing?
Balsam? Noble? Doug fir?

236
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:41,929
- Uh--
- Enh!

237
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,539
You're out of time.

238
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,628
She's across the street
buying a 20-footer..

239
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:49,632
...from the Armenian.

240
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:52,200
Are you comfortable
with celebrities?

241
00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:54,637
- What do you mean?
- We get a lot of big names.

242
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,944
Mario Lopez buys
his tree here every year.

243
00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:59,381
I don't want you getting
all jelly-legged.

244
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:02,906
Alright, look. I'm young,
I'm strong and I need the money.

245
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:05,300
I'll work really hard
and I won't let you down.

246
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,302
I'll give you seven bucks
an hour, plus tips.

247
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,521
Minimum wage is eight.

248
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,655
Look at my shoes.

249
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:15,005
- What about them?
- Where are they?

250
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:17,573
Under the table..
Oh.

251
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:22,665
- I'm in.
- When can you start?

252
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:24,536
- Right now.
- A man with no life.

253
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,147
I like it.

254
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:27,714
I'll go get you
some gloves.

255
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:30,107
[cell phone ringing]

256
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,632
By the way, your cell phone's
like your penis.

257
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,372
When you're at work,
you keep it in your pants.

258
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,815
Hey, Billy, I'm kind of busy.

259
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:45,079
I'm not in rehab.

260
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,081
Relax, Zuckerberg
is not going to walk.

261
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:51,041
Just sit tight and we'll
get the number we want.

262
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,174
I got to go.
Bye.

263
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:54,523
Alright, here you go.

264
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,351
Oh, and, uh, by the way

265
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,832
If somebody comes looking
for a Jamaican Christmas tree

266
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,355
you send them to me.

267
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,314
Yah, man.

268
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:04,838
♪ Men ♪♪

269
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:10,757
♪ Men ♪♪

270
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,323
[machine whirring]

271
00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:19,374
- I got a job.
- As what?

272
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:22,072
Prancer, the reindeer stripper?

273
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:25,510
- Nope. Selling Christmas trees.
- You're kidding.

274
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,903
Yeah.

275
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:30,080
- Already sold nine trees.
- Nice.

276
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,168
Yeah, it's the first night,
and I'm getting the stink eye

277
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:32,953
from the other salesman, Jose.

278
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,304
He only sold six, but the guy
crushes it with wreathes.

279
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:39,220
Check it out, made enough
on tips to get us Chinese food.

280
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:42,136
Aw, you really know how to take
care of your lady, Rudolph.

281
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:45,008
Oh, no, no, no, I don't get
the nose until I sell 50 trees.

282
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:48,882
Shall we open
a fresh box of wine?

283
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,144
No.
No, no, no, no!

284
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:52,363
Oh, switching to soda.

285
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:55,192
My sewing machine,
it just died on me.

286
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,934
Okay, no problem.
Sewing machines can be fixed.

287
00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,283
No, it's gonna cost
more to fix it

288
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:00,937
than I'll make on this job.

289
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:04,158
Okay, it's not a problem.
Look at the bright side.

290
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,856
Somewhere in the world, there's
a labra-doodle and three cats

291
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:10,338
that get to keep their dignity.

292
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:12,035
I wish that made me
feel better.

293
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:14,690
I got something that will
make you feel better.

294
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:16,387
- Let's dance.
- What?

295
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:17,780
There's no music.

296
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,826
I'll sing.

297
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:23,568
♪ Oh, holy night ♪

298
00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:28,138
♪ The stars were
brightly shining.. ♪

299
00:12:28,225 --> 00:12:29,531
[giggling]

300
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:30,967
I love you, Sam.

301
00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:33,230
I hate that song.

302
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:34,449
But I love you.

303
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:35,755
I love you.

304
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:41,543
- Did we just..
- Yep, I think we did.

305
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:42,849
[both giggling]

306
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,375
I got something else that will
make you feel better.

307
00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:48,985
Yeah?

308
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,595
Let's get naked..

309
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:54,556
...and play some
reindeer games.

310
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:57,385
Are you gonna leave
those antlers on?

311
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:58,603
Oh, yeah.

312
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:01,737
♪ Men ♪♪

313
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:04,044
Okay, drive slow.
Stick to the side streets.

314
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,660
- Well, you are a natural, kid.
- Ah.

315
00:13:11,747 --> 00:13:13,793
You remind me
of a young me.

316
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,882
Except you're a little taller
and better-looking.

317
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,405
Probably straight.

318
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:22,018
Where-where we going
with this?

319
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,498
Apparently nowhere.

320
00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:24,499
Alright.
Christmas on three.

321
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:25,674
One, two, three.

322
00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:26,806
- Christmas.
- Christmas.

323
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,420
I did not see that coming.

324
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:33,638
Walden.

325
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:36,293
- Oh, hey.
- Or should I say "Sam?"

326
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:39,340
- Billy, how'd you find me?
- Oh, it's easy.

327
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:40,950
You told Alan
you were working here.

328
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,387
You swore him to secrecy.
I gave him 100 bucks.

329
00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:44,824
Bam, here I am.

330
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,651
- You wanna buy a tree?
- No, no.

331
00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:49,002
I want to sell our company
to Mark Zuckerberg.

332
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:53,397
He has upped his offer
to $950 million.

333
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:56,009
Wow, that's a lot of money.

334
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:59,447
You know, I could probably get
you into this eight-foot cypress

335
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:02,189
from Oregon for 50 bucks
off the sticker price.

336
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:06,019
$950 million.
We can buy Oregon.

337
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:07,977
Look at how uptight you are.

338
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:10,545
I mean, you should get a job
here with me selling trees.

339
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:13,026
It's stress-free, I mean
everybody leaves here happy

340
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:15,942
some people really happy
with a case of the munchies.

341
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:19,815
Walden, let me just call
Zuckerberg and close the deal.

342
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:23,471
You can close the deal at 1.2
for 49% of the company.

343
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,865
- I'm not giving up control.
- You're crazy, alright?

344
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,041
You are bat-crap
freaking crazy.

345
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:32,132
I've never been so sane
in my entire life.

346
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,438
Now, if you'll excuse me

347
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:36,440
I've got a red, blinking nose
to live up to.

348
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:43,273
♪ Men ♪♪

349
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,406
[computer beeping]

350
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:48,017
- Well, there's my Mrs. Claus.
- Hey, Alan.

351
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:49,714
Uh, good news, my mother bailed.

352
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,542
She's having something
rejuvenated, don't ask what.

353
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:55,111
I did and haven't been able
to eat or sleep since.

354
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:58,114
Jake is with his girlfriend
and her 17 kids

355
00:14:58,201 --> 00:15:01,552
so, it's just you and me, kiddo.

356
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,206
I have some bad news.

357
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:04,686
I'm not gonna be
here for Christmas.

358
00:15:04,773 --> 00:15:06,557
- What?
- I have to go to Cleveland.

359
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,733
My grandma fell down
and broke her hip.

360
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,954
Big deal, old people
do that all the time.

361
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,174
It's like a cold with them.

362
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:15,610
Can't your grandfather
take care of her?

363
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:19,396
- He's dead.
- Man, I can't catch a break.

364
00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:20,963
We can celebrate
when I get back.

365
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:23,879
Sure, nothing says Christmas
like January 3rd.

366
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,795
I'm sorry, Alan.
I don't have a choice.

367
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:29,972
I know.
It's okay.

368
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:32,627
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

369
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:36,587
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

370
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,634
Sometimes she can be so selfish.

371
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:41,984
Alright, I'm out of here.

372
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:43,943
[sighing]

373
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:47,729
[sighing]

374
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,733
I'm gonna hate myself
for asking.

375
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,213
What's wrong?

376
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,041
Well, all my Christmas plans
have fallen apart.

377
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,651
I-I'm gonna be all alone.

378
00:15:56,738 --> 00:15:58,566
Yeah, that's rough.

379
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,307
Happy holidays, Zip.

380
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,669
[line ringing]

381
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:20,283
[male #1]
'Hello, thank you for calling
the suicide hotline.'

382
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:23,808
'All our counselors are busy'

383
00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:26,376
'but your call is
very important to us.'

384
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:27,856
'Please hold.'

385
00:16:27,943 --> 00:16:30,032
["Jingle Bells" music]

386
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:36,256
♪ Men ♪♪

387
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,826
Sam?

388
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:44,829
Sorry, babe.
I didn't mean to wake you up.

389
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,050
- How was work?
- My body aches.

390
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,532
My hands are blistered.
I can hardly feel my feet.

391
00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:52,794
It was awesome.

392
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:58,539
I wish I felt that way
about my job.

393
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:01,455
Yeah, but your job's
just a way to get by

394
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,239
until you get your
big break as a designer.

395
00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:06,373
I've been getting by
for three years now.

396
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,985
What if it never happens?

397
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,552
I mean, for God's sakes

398
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:14,033
I don't even have
a sewing machine that works.

399
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,471
You got a boyfriend
that does.

400
00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:19,168
Did you sell
more wreaths than Jose?

401
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:21,431
[scoffs]
No.

402
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:24,826
That guy is
a wreath-selling machine.

403
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:26,871
He sold one to a guy
without a door.

404
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:31,789
Aw.

405
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:32,834
Is that a mistletoe?

406
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:35,402
It's supposed to be.

407
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:38,100
It's actually broccoli.

408
00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:40,015
I thought it'd be romantic.

409
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:42,670
It is.

410
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,542
- You wanna..
- Oh, no, hell, no.

411
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:46,978
Thank God.

412
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,417
♪ Men ♪♪

413
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:54,203
♪ I have no gift to bring ♪

414
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:56,292
♪ Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪

415
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,911
♪ I have no friends or life ♪

416
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,870
♪ Pah-rum-pum-pum ♪

417
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:09,871
♪ Rum-pum-pum-pum ♪

418
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,307
Look at you.

419
00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:14,919
Drunk as your brother
and none of the charm.

420
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:17,357
- Berta?
- I got chicken and beer.

421
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,710
- You came back for me.
- Oh, alright, calm down.

422
00:18:22,797 --> 00:18:25,713
- You love me, don't you?
- I pity you.

423
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,236
Close enough.

424
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,632
♪ Men ♪♪

425
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,286
You got good taste.

426
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:35,288
I took home a tree
just like this last week.

427
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:36,724
I don't know, 90 bucks
is a little bit

428
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,247
more than I want to spend.

429
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:40,380
What do you think, sweetheart?
You like Doug?

430
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,121
His name is Doug?

431
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:45,907
His name is Douglas,
but his friends call him Doug.

432
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:50,390
You know what I like about him?
He's tree-mendous.

433
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:52,435
Daddy, I want Doug.

434
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,307
Oh, you don't want
to disappoint your daughter

435
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,918
here on Christmas Eve.

436
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:59,660
Excuse me,
Mr. Tree Salesman.

437
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,749
What do you want?
I'm trying to close a deal here.

438
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:05,187
So am I, I have Mark freaking
Zuckerberg on the phone.

439
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:07,450
- Is he at 1.2?
- He's at a billion.

440
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:09,583
Alright now, Walden,
think about that number.

441
00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,541
You know how when you say
someone's one in a million?

442
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:13,326
You could have
a thousand of them

443
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:15,719
but we have to give
him an answer.

444
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:18,940
You tell him 1.2 for 49%
of the company

445
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:20,289
and I'll throw in a wreath.

446
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:23,162
Suck it, Jose.

447
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,120
- What do you think?
- I'll give you 30 bucks.

448
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,035
- Seventy.
- Forty.

449
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:29,037
One point one,
Don't make me bitch-slap you

450
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:30,995
in front of this child.

451
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:32,606
1.2.

452
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:35,086
Sixty-five, and I'll flock it
for you myself.

453
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,567
- Fifty.
- Sixty, I'll throw in a stand.

454
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:39,526
It's Christmas Eve.
You're not gonna move this tree.

455
00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,354
One point one five,
you say "Yes" or I will

456
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:43,138
shove that nose up
your blitzen.

457
00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,358
One point two.

458
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:47,577
It's Christmas Eve,
and Santa needs a tree to put

459
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,057
the presents under.

460
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:51,625
- Fifty-five, final offer.
- One point two.

461
00:19:51,712 --> 00:19:54,367
- Sold, sold.
- Yay!

462
00:19:54,454 --> 00:19:55,672
[grunting]

463
00:19:55,759 --> 00:20:00,982
Oh, you did it,
you magnificent bastard.

464
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:03,463
Really? Him, not me?

465
00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:04,725
♪ Men ♪♪

466
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:10,774
♪ Men ♪♪

467
00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:13,124
Who is this for?

468
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,823
"To Kate, from Santa."

469
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:19,566
I have a horrible feeling
this breaks our $20 rule.

470
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:21,524
Open it.

471
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:22,656
Okay.

472
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,402
Oh, my God, Sam.

473
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,926
A sewing machine?

474
00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:33,580
How can you afford this?

475
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:35,712
Let's just say
I had a very good day

476
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:38,976
at the Christmas tree lot.

477
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,456
You like it?

478
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:41,544
I love it.

479
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,507
I feel kind of stupid
about the scarf now.

480
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:48,725
Are you kidding me?

481
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,510
This..
You made this yourself.

482
00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:53,252
This is the best gift
I've ever gotten.

483
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,906
Maybe later you can sew me
a little tail-hole.

484
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:02,261
- Merry Christmas, Sam.
- Oh, wait.

485
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:04,654
Look what else Santa brought.

486
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:05,786
Broccletoe.

487
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:07,788
[laughing]

488
00:21:08,876 --> 00:21:10,486
♪ Men ♪♪

489
00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:16,623
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

490
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:20,061
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

491
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:23,020
♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

492
00:21:23,107 --> 00:21:25,109
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh ooh-ooh ♪

493
00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:28,461
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

494
00:21:28,548 --> 00:21:31,028
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

495
00:21:31,115 --> 00:21:32,073
♪ Ha-ah ah ♪

496
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,117
♪ Men ♪♪