1 00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:04,047 ♪ Men ♪♪ 2 00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:05,440 Oh, incoming, 3 o'clock. 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,531 Wow. 4 00:00:09,618 --> 00:00:11,707 If I were available, I'd be all over that. 5 00:00:11,794 --> 00:00:14,275 So being unavailable is the only thing that's stopping you? 6 00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:17,887 Well, that and her obvious, but unvoiced contempt for me. 7 00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:22,848 - Why don't you make a move? - Aw, what's the point? 8 00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:24,894 Let's say I start talking to her, and we hit it off. 9 00:00:24,981 --> 00:00:26,548 And by "hit it off," you mean 10 00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:27,897 hit it off. 11 00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,162 More unvoiced contempt. Hmm. 12 00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:34,034 I can voice it if you'd like. 13 00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:36,732 No thanks. 14 00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,342 What do you think is gonna happen as soon as she finds out 15 00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:39,648 how much money I have in the bank? 16 00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:41,911 She's gonna want you to make a deposit. 17 00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:45,697 And there's the problem. 18 00:00:45,784 --> 00:00:47,656 I-I see no problem. 19 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,441 Okay. It's not me that she'd be interested in. 20 00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,965 It's what I can do for her. It's the lifestyle. 21 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,532 So what? You still got laid. 22 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,578 [chuckles] Trust me, it gets old. 23 00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,580 It's like having a magic golf club 24 00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:00,843 every time you take a shot, the ball just goes in the hole. 25 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,410 Oh, yeah! Ker-plunk! 26 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,675 Okay, apparently, you need a demonstration. 27 00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,111 And no more alcohol. 28 00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:11,984 Hi. 29 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,030 I'm Walden Schmidt. 30 00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,553 Hello. 31 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,513 That's Schmidt, S-C-H-M-I-D-T. 32 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,993 Uh, okay. It's nice to meet you, Walden. 33 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,431 I'm Susan. S-U-S-A-N. 34 00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:26,999 Can I buy you a drink, Susan? 35 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,264 No, thanks. I'm waiting for some friends. 36 00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:31,961 - No problem. - Excuse me. 37 00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:33,876 Hmm. There goes your theory. You struck out! 38 00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:36,357 Au contraire, mon frere. 39 00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,837 Right now, she's heading into the bathroom. 40 00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:40,274 What do you think she's doing in there? 41 00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:44,756 Uh, I'm guessing tinkle. Girls poop at home. 42 00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:47,933 No. She's wondering, "Why did he spell his last name? 43 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,674 Maybe I should know who he is." 44 00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:52,851 So, now, she's taking out her phone and Googling me. 45 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,202 Oh, I tried that once, and I dropped my phone in the toilet. 46 00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:57,813 Fortunately, it was right after a courtesy flush. 47 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:02,818 The first hit on my name is the "Forbes" 500 website 48 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:04,124 at which point in time she finds out 49 00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:05,995 exactly how much money I make 50 00:02:06,082 --> 00:02:07,779 she forgets to go to the bathroom 51 00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:11,000 along with everything she learned in Sunday school 52 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:13,872 slaps on some lipstick and comes back into the bar. 53 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,223 Wow. 54 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,790 She probably unbuttons one button on her blouse.. 55 00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,444 ..and.. 56 00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:22,054 You know what? 57 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:25,319 I changed my mind about that drink. 58 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:27,016 I still don't see the problem. 59 00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:31,586 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 60 00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:32,804 ♪ Huh-huh ♪ 61 00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,284 ♪ Men ♪♪ 62 00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:40,203 ♪ Men ♪♪ 63 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:42,162 Can't believe you're coming home with me instead of that girl. 64 00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,772 Not that I'm not flattered. 65 00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,991 And not that I'm not willing to do things. 66 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,299 Just because a woman wants to have sex with me 67 00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:50,996 doesn't mean I want to have sex with her. 68 00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:52,955 Okay, I hear the words coming out of your mouth 69 00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:54,957 I just don't understand them. 70 00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:58,090 It's-it's like watching HBO in Spanish. 71 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,745 Well, look, call me crazy, but I am determined to find 72 00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:04,358 someone who wants to be with me for who I am, not what I have. 73 00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,882 Hola, bienvenidos a HBO en Espanol. 74 00:03:09,145 --> 00:03:11,321 Come on. I-I bet you have no doubt 75 00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:13,193 as to whether or not Lyndsey loves you. 76 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,804 - I would guess that's true. - You don't have to guess. 77 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,372 You have no money, no house, no future, no-- 78 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:21,766 Okay, okay! Talking past the sale. 79 00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:23,159 But if you think my life is so great, be my guest. 80 00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:24,900 - Take it. - What? 81 00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,467 Pretend to be me. I can't tell you how many times 82 00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:28,120 I've pretended to be you. 83 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,427 And-and not just you. Uh, I've also pretended to be 84 00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,255 a, uh, a thoracic surgeon 85 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:35,127 uh, a movie producer, a stockbroker 86 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,913 uh, and on one occasion, a hand model. 87 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,306 - A hand model? - Blind girl. 88 00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:40,742 Long story, didn't end well. 89 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:44,528 My point is, you can be whoever you want to be. 90 00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,617 [scoffs] Never thought about it like that. 91 00:03:46,704 --> 00:03:48,228 Of course not. 92 00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:51,622 Why would Superman want to be Clark Kent? 93 00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,451 Okay. Know what? I'm gonna do this. 94 00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:57,062 First thing I need to do is create an online presence 95 00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,542 for my fictional self. 96 00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:00,936 Mm. That's good. I usually just throw ketchup 97 00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:04,069 on some scrubs and say I came from surgery. 98 00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:07,334 Okay. Let's start by creating a Facebook page. 99 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:10,772 Uh, alright, if I was a struggling, broke-ass guy 100 00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,339 what would my name be? 101 00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:14,254 Oh, and keep in mind, Alan Harper's already taken. 102 00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:18,127 Ooh! Uh, h-how about Derek Slade? 103 00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:19,868 Uh, that's a little gay. 104 00:04:19,955 --> 00:04:22,784 Um...Preston Burbank? 105 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:25,569 That's just gay from a different decade. 106 00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,703 Um...Joey Proccosini. 107 00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:30,357 Sounds like the guy that made Preston Burbank 108 00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:32,533 his prison bitch. 109 00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,839 Oh, uh-uh, how about, uh, how about your porn name? 110 00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:36,145 My porn name? 111 00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:37,364 You know, when you want to know 112 00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,974 what your name would be as a porn star 113 00:04:39,061 --> 00:04:40,889 you use the name of your first pet 114 00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:42,630 and the street you grew up on. 115 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,632 Unfortunately, I would be Rusty Knob. 116 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,071 Mine would be Snowball Honeysuckle. 117 00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:50,638 That would be a great porn name 118 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,466 if Disney Channel started making adult movies. 119 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:57,993 No. It needs to be simple, like something easy to believe. 120 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,648 - John Doe. - No, it's too simple. 121 00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:03,651 - Bob Doe. - No. 122 00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:05,696 It's got to be, like, right down the middle. 123 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:09,134 - You know, like...Sam. - Doe. 124 00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,878 Wilson. Sam Wilson. 125 00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:16,794 Really? There's got to be, like, a million Sam Wilsons. 126 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,448 No, exactly.I-I can get lost in a crowd. 127 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,884 You know, if somebody Googles me 128 00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,756 they'll get a butt load of responses. 129 00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:23,975 Same thing happens if you Google "Rusty Knob." 130 00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,892 Just FYI, do not hit "Images." 131 00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:31,156 You won't sleep for a week. 132 00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:34,551 Okay, Sam Wilson, let's create your life. 133 00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:35,813 Male. 134 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,728 Straight. 135 00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:39,904 Single. 136 00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:41,558 One eighth Apache Indian. 137 00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:44,648 Mix it up a little. 138 00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,044 ♪ Men ♪♪ 139 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,612 How have I never heard of this place? 140 00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,223 I mean, where else can you buy pants, shoes, lettuce 141 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:57,618 and a garden weasel under one roof? 142 00:05:57,705 --> 00:05:59,620 It gets better. On your way out, you can get a flu shot 143 00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:01,883 and a set of tires at the same price. 144 00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:03,537 This is.. Alright 145 00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:05,974 what would a down-on-his-luck Sam Wilson wear? 146 00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:08,890 Oh! Maybe something fringed to reflect his Indian heritage. 147 00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,502 He's not joining the village people. 148 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,201 Wait, check this out! 149 00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:18,682 A dozen socks for $2.49. 150 00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:21,555 That's 20 cents a pair. That's ten cents a sock! 151 00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:24,688 - I'm so getting these. - But you-you don't wear socks. 152 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:27,865 Well, at these prices I can't afford not to. 153 00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,650 Alright, looks like you're getting the hang of this place. 154 00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:31,260 So, if you'll excuse me 155 00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:32,914 I have a dentist appointment on aisle three. 156 00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:35,569 Oh! Don't forget to floss on aisle two. 157 00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:42,227 A leather jacket for $49.99? 158 00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:43,707 Come to papa. 159 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,452 Whoa! Sorry. 160 00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,280 Yeah, hang on. Let me just.. 161 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,543 The jacket's on a leash. 162 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,589 I'll just unlock the security cable here. 163 00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:56,851 Okay, that's better. 164 00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,115 That looks really good on you. 165 00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:01,986 I bet you've said that before. 166 00:07:02,073 --> 00:07:05,250 About 80 times a day, but...this is the first time I've meant it. 167 00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,688 Yeah, it's nice, but I.. 168 00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:09,646 I probably shouldn't. I mean, for the price of this jacket 169 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:12,301 I can buy 240 pairs of socks. 170 00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,999 And your Christmas shopping is done. 171 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,262 Act surprised when you open them. 172 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,569 Yeah, I, actually, I need to buy a little bit of everything. 173 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,702 Okay, I can help you out with that. 174 00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:23,704 I appreciate it...Kate. 175 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,140 Not a problem.. 176 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:29,100 Sam...Sam Wilson. 177 00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:31,059 Alright, Sam Wilson. 178 00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:33,278 Um, how about we start with some.. 179 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:34,671 ...corduroy pants? 180 00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,369 Eh, I'm not a big fan of corduroy. 181 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,589 They're on sale, two for $19.99. 182 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:40,982 People change. 183 00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,768 ♪ Men ♪♪ 184 00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,467 [Jake] 'Anyway, after it got ripped off on the barbed wire' 185 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,948 we started calling him "One Nut Johnson." 186 00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:53,037 Uh...that's terrible. 187 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,952 Well, it could have been worse. 188 00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,258 An inch to the right and he would have been 189 00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:58,521 "No Johnson Johnson." 190 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,481 Um, uh, you know what? Why-why don't we change the subject? 191 00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:04,222 So, um, how-how are things with your girlfriend? 192 00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:05,485 Pretty good. We're finally gonna 193 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:07,008 get some time alone this weekend. 194 00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:10,098 Her kids are gonna stay with their dads. 195 00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:12,187 "Dads"? Plural? 196 00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:16,104 Yeah, well, before me, she picked some real losers. 197 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,715 Sure, sure. Um, so.. 198 00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:21,457 ...so what's it like, dating someone with kids? 199 00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,198 It's tough. They're pretty protective. 200 00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:25,156 I mean, I'm the guy dating their mom. 201 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:26,810 Makes sense. 202 00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:31,728 But her oldest son's pretty cool. He buys me beer. 203 00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:33,382 how-how old is this woman? 204 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:36,298 Back off, dad. She's taken. 205 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,518 No, no, I wasn't.. I'm.. 206 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:40,824 You know what? I'll-I'll talk to you later. 207 00:08:40,911 --> 00:08:44,088 - Okay. Bye, dad. - Bye. 208 00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:48,702 Yeah...she picked a real winner this time. 209 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,051 [Walden] 'Check it out.' 210 00:08:57,885 --> 00:09:00,670 Whoa! You look like me when I Photoshop my head on your body. 211 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,107 I've never done that. 212 00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:05,806 Head to toe, including undergarments, $32. 213 00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,024 [whistling] 214 00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:09,723 Plus the haircut, $232. 215 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:11,725 - Nice. - Oh! 216 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,553 Check this out. 217 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,293 [velcro rips] 218 00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,948 - Velcro. Very classy. - It's got a change pouch. 219 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:20,168 Ooh, you got the deluxe model. 220 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:22,083 I still can't believe we both went to the superstore 221 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:25,652 you got a hot date and I got a root canal on the wrong tooth. 222 00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:29,307 I didn't get a date. Sam Wilson got a date. 223 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,613 You know what? 224 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,397 - Switch watches with me. - Why? 225 00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,704 'Cause Sam Wilson doesn't have a $50,000 watch. 226 00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:37,794 Ah, of course. Here you go. 227 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,579 Casio? 228 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,232 I had this watch in seventh grade! 229 00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:43,408 So did I. 230 00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:47,891 Okay. Oh, you know what? We should also switch cars. 231 00:09:47,978 --> 00:09:50,502 Yes! Yes. Oh, and you know what else we should do? 232 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:55,116 Uh, you should deposit all your money in my bank account. 233 00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:57,553 Just trying to help you out, buddy. 234 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,511 - Thank you. - Oh, where you taking her? 235 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,514 This, uh, Italian place in Santa Monica. DiFilipo's. 236 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,691 Oh, you are in luck. I have a coupon. 237 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,736 [velcro rips] 238 00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,172 Buy one entree, get one free. 239 00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,218 Sweet. Thanks. 240 00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:14,135 And remember, uh, poor guys don't valet park 241 00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,440 unless they're wearing a red vest. 242 00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:19,140 Got it. 243 00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:21,621 Wow. $50,000. 244 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:27,235 What is wrong with me that I want to masturbate with this on? 245 00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:36,636 Nothing. 246 00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,203 ♪ Men ♪♪ 247 00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:44,731 For a man on a budget, this is a little pricey. 248 00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:46,950 Oh, don't worry. I have a coupon. 249 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:48,909 [velcro rips] 250 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,345 Sexy. 251 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,829 So, Sam, tell me about yourself. 252 00:10:58,048 --> 00:10:59,528 There's not much to tell. 253 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:02,096 Uh, I was born in Iowa. 254 00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,707 At age seven, I was taken away from my parents 255 00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:07,754 and trained to be a government assassin. 256 00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:10,495 - Intriguing. - Oh, it gets better. 257 00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:13,673 It wasn't our government. 258 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,544 And I only found out later, they weren't my parents. 259 00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,067 [laughs] 260 00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,766 Which made killing them that much easier. 261 00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,245 Tell me about you. 262 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,118 Well, I had a fairly typical childhood 263 00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,381 in Riverside, California 264 00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,689 until my parents were killed by an assassin. 265 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,518 I've spent the rest of my life tracking him down 266 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,825 and here we are. 267 00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,828 - Gulp. - Bang. 268 00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,221 [laughs] 269 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:42,005 Well, the Riverside part's true 270 00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:45,443 and then I spent two years in New York studying fashion. 271 00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,184 Then I came out here to design clothes for the movies. 272 00:11:47,271 --> 00:11:48,620 And how did that go? 273 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,102 I designed this dress and wore it to the movies. 274 00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:55,366 - So the dream is still alive. - Indeed it is. 275 00:11:57,412 --> 00:12:00,328 I got to tell you, it's refreshing 276 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,504 talking to someone like you for a change. 277 00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:04,114 Someone like me? 278 00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:06,943 Yeah, someone who doesn't take himself too seriously 279 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,684 and who's not constantly trying to impress me 280 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,338 with how much stuff he's got. 281 00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:12,557 What, so, wait, my coupon didn't impress you? 282 00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:14,908 [laughs] 283 00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:17,562 Well, I don't have much stuff. 284 00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,347 What you see is what you get. 285 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,305 And so far I like what I see. 286 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:27,572 I like what I see. 287 00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:30,097 Such a shame I'm gonna have to kill you. 288 00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:32,012 Too late. I already poisoned your wine. 289 00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,275 [laughs] 290 00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,755 ♪ Men ♪♪ 291 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,585 ♪ Men ♪♪ 292 00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:42,892 - Okay, you see the Big Dipper? - Yeah. 293 00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,765 Alright, you see the last star on the handle? 294 00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,592 Follow that five stars to the right. 295 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:50,117 - Okay. - Up three. 296 00:12:50,204 --> 00:12:52,772 - Got it. - Two to the left and down one. 297 00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:56,123 - Uh-huh. - That's my star. 298 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,429 I got it for Christmas when I was 12 years old. 299 00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,910 - That's sweet. - Yeah, sure, now. 300 00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:03,826 When I was 12, I wanted a dirt bike. 301 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,610 Can't pop a wheelie on a star. 302 00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:07,917 [laughs] 303 00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:15,055 I'm kind of glad your car broke down. 304 00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:16,491 Me, too. 305 00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,103 You want to make a wish on my star? 306 00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,713 I already did. 307 00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,457 [car horn blaring] 308 00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,287 For crying out loud, Sam 309 00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,855 when you going to buy a decent car? 310 00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:36,293 ♪ Men ♪♪ 311 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,556 Kate, this is my friend Alan. 312 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,428 Thanks so much for picking us up. 313 00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:41,951 Yeah, this clown rents a room from me 314 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:45,172 suddenly I'm running a taxi service. 315 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:48,088 Yeah, I'm sorry. My car is a piece of crap. 316 00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:49,741 Of course, I don't do myself any favors 317 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:54,616 by never changing the oil, ever. 318 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,139 Well, I like your car. 319 00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:59,577 - Thank you. - Thank you. 320 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:02,145 Uh, so Sam tells me you have a beach house. 321 00:14:02,232 --> 00:14:04,147 I do. I do. It's gorgeous. 322 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,845 Uh, it very expensive 323 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,542 but I bought it at the bottom of the market 324 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,675 and then I sold it and bought it again at the top of the market 325 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:12,460 simply because I can. 326 00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,551 Well, I'm sure at some point you'll sell it again 327 00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:17,987 and we'll go our separate ways. 328 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,903 Oh, no, no, no, I'm gonna die in that house. 329 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:25,038 Oh, and, uh, that reminds me, uh, your rent is late again. 330 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,127 Right, I'll have it for you tomorrow. 331 00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,825 - Today would be better. - Fine, today. 332 00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:32,349 He's a good kid. 333 00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:34,351 Give you the shirt off his back. 334 00:14:34,438 --> 00:14:37,789 It's a crappy shirt, but he'll give it to you. 335 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,966 Oh, oh, would you look at the time? 336 00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:41,228 It is almost 10 o'clock. 337 00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:42,620 I-I can tell 'cause the, uh 338 00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:44,535 the big hand is near the big diamond. 339 00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:46,494 - Check it out. - Yeah, it's nice. 340 00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:47,930 Damn right. 341 00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:54,284 So, Kate, Sam tells me you're poor like him. 342 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,419 ♪ Men ♪♪ 343 00:14:58,506 --> 00:14:59,811 I had a really nice time tonight. 344 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:03,641 Me, too, but what's with this guy Alan? 345 00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:05,034 Oh, I'm sorry. 346 00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,949 He recently came into a lot of money 347 00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:09,386 and he's not really handling it well. 348 00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:13,913 Not handling it well? He's a big, fizzy douche. 349 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,263 I mean, the way he was showing off his car. 350 00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,482 Geez, how small is his penis? 351 00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:23,487 Those two things aren't always related. 352 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,228 Okay, I-I don't know, that watch 353 00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:27,883 is definitely overcompensating for something. 354 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,277 Some people just like nice stuff 355 00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,540 even people with really big penises. 356 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,891 Well, everyone likes nice stuff 357 00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:38,198 but he didn't have to be such a jackass about it. 358 00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:40,548 I know, but, I mean, he's helping me out 359 00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,202 letting me live with him. 360 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:44,465 I get it. It still doesn't give him the right to treat you 361 00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:46,032 the way he does. 362 00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:48,382 - You should say something. - Oh, I intend to. 363 00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:55,345 You know, before he arrived, I was about to do something. 364 00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:57,434 So was I. 365 00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:58,566 [horn blaring] 366 00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,089 [Alan] 'Come on, Sam!' 367 00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:04,441 'Time is money, and you're out of both.' 368 00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,009 You're right. He's a big, fizzy douche. 369 00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:09,403 ♪ Men ♪♪ 370 00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:11,927 Hey, looking good. 371 00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:15,887 Where you going? 372 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,412 Oh, I'm packing a picnic for me and Kate. 373 00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,457 We're going to a free concert in the park. 374 00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,372 It's a Van Halen tribute band. 375 00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:23,547 Well, actually, it's not a band. 376 00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,854 It's just a guy named Dan Halen. 377 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:28,596 Unbelievable. You're having fun living my life. 378 00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:30,554 I've never had that experience. 379 00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,034 Well, it's all because of Kate. 380 00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:34,123 And the best part is, she likes me for me. 381 00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:37,083 Uh, technically, she likes you for me. 382 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:40,825 Which is ironic 'cause she doesn't like you at all. 383 00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:43,263 - So, uh, what's the plan here? - What do you mean? 384 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,699 Well, I mean, this girl's been dating 385 00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:46,309 Sam Wilson for a couple of weeks. 386 00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,224 When are you going to introduce her to Walden Schmidt? 387 00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,314 I don't know. Haven't really thought that far ahead. 388 00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:52,750 Actually, I'm kind of afraid to think that far ahead. 389 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:53,925 How long do you think you can keep up this 390 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,666 "Prince and the Pauper" charade? 391 00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:57,668 How long do you think you can keep living here for free? 392 00:16:57,755 --> 00:16:59,583 Godspeed, Sam Wilson. 393 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,457 ♪ Men ♪♪ 394 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:04,980 [both exhales] 395 00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:09,115 Well, that was fun on a budget. 396 00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:12,770 Yeah, we certainly got more bang for our buck, didn't we? 397 00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:14,729 [mobile beeps] 398 00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:17,732 - Oh. I'm sorry. I just.. - Oh. 399 00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:22,954 - Ah, great. - Everything okay? 400 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:26,045 Yeah. Alan wants me to pick up some hemorrhoid cream 401 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,655 on the way home. 402 00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:29,700 Well, he is a pain in the ass. 403 00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:33,443 He's not that bad. 404 00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,967 Oh, yeah? Then why don't we ever spend the night 405 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,144 at his Malibu beach house? 406 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:39,623 He doesn't like it when I have guests. 407 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,234 Douche. 408 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,542 You should move out. 409 00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,979 Can't afford to. 410 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,766 Well, um, maybe you could crash here. 411 00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:58,642 What...what are you saying, like...move in? 412 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:01,993 Yeah, just until you have enough money to afford your own place. 413 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,691 That might be a while. 414 00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:06,389 I knew I shouldn't have bought that Dan Halen T-shirt. 415 00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:08,609 [laughs] 416 00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:10,872 So, what, we'd be, like, roommates? 417 00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,134 With benefits. 418 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,484 Oh. I like the sound of benefits. 419 00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,443 Good, 'cause they include washing the dishes 420 00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,053 and taking out the trash. 421 00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,970 Okay, clearly we differ in our definition of "benefits." 422 00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:23,493 [laughs] 423 00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:27,323 - Can I think about it? - By all means. 424 00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:38,856 Okay, I got to tell you, you are much better kisser than Alan. 425 00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,645 ♪ Men ♪♪ 426 00:18:44,732 --> 00:18:47,038 - Are you sure about this? - Mm. 427 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:51,042 It's like Dan Halen says, "Might as well jump." 428 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,000 Well, when are you coming back? 429 00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:53,567 I don't know. 430 00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:55,569 Walden, have you really thought this through? 431 00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:59,529 I know it's crazy, but I got to see where this goes with Kate. 432 00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,445 Alright, I'm just concerned about my friend. 433 00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,013 I appreciate that. I'm gonna be fine. 434 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,493 Mm. Good luck. 435 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,277 And, uh, don't worry about anything here. 436 00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,236 - Yeah. Thanks, buddy. - Well, bye. 437 00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,628 Bye. 438 00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,893 Finally, you're mine! You're all mine! 439 00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:18,374 ♪ Men ♪♪ 440 00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,292 ♪ Men ♪♪ 441 00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:26,121 So my porn name would be Snowball Honeysuckle. 442 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:29,080 [chuckles] Oh, that is so cute. 443 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,953 I would download every one of your films. 444 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,392 - What would yours be? - Beebo Eighty-Ninth Street. 445 00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:39,526 Guess it's not a foolproof system. 446 00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:40,788 Hey, I have to ask you a question. 447 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,660 He was a fish. 448 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:49,318 Thanks, but no. Um...why are you with me? 449 00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:51,451 What kind of a question is that? 450 00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:55,106 I don't know. Just, I don't have much to offer 451 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,936 and a beautiful, smart girl like you 452 00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:00,982 could probably get any guy she wants. 453 00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:02,592 But I did get the guy I want. 454 00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,420 Good answer. 455 00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:09,120 - Just promise me one thing. - What's that? 456 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,122 That we're always honest with each other. 457 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:16,171 No secrets, no lies. 458 00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:22,656 You got it. 459 00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:27,313 - Goodnight, Kate. - Goodnight, Sam. 460 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:41,196 - Kate? - Yeah? 461 00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:42,415 I'm a billionaire. 462 00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:44,460 Of course you are, Snowball. 463 00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:50,249 Hey, you kids, get off my beach! 464 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,001 ♪ Men ♪♪ 465 00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:11,618 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 466 00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,012 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 467 00:21:15,099 --> 00:21:17,885 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 468 00:21:17,972 --> 00:21:20,061 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ohh ooh-ooh ♪ 469 00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:23,369 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 470 00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:25,936 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 471 00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:27,416 ♪ Huh-huh ♪ 472 00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:28,939 ♪ Men ♪♪