1 00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:04,743 I'm talking about making a long-term 2 00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:05,831 commitment to each other. 3 00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:07,181 You mean like marriage? 4 00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,660 I just don't understand why we can't 5 00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:09,922 keep things the way they are. 6 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,620 You mean living day-to-day never knowing 7 00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,404 what kind of future you have with the person 8 00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:15,624 you've been in a relationship with the past three years? 9 00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:16,973 Okay, I-I prefer to think 10 00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:18,975 of it as cherishingeach day 11 00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,672 nay, each momentwith 12 00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:22,631 the woman I love because 13 00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:24,241 it-it could all disappear 14 00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:25,286 in-in the blink of an eye. 15 00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,505 You mean like this? 16 00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:29,072 How was your day? 17 00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,552 I'm pretty sure Lyndsey and I broke up. 18 00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,728 I really like Lyndsey. I thought she was great. 19 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,469 She is great, but I'm not gonna be bullied 20 00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:35,687 into spending the rest of my life with somebody 21 00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,341 just 'cause they're great. 22 00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:40,562 - Alan. - We need to talk. 23 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:43,956 - Go ahead. - I want to be with you forever. 24 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,002 That's all I ever wanted to hear. 25 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:50,224 I love you, Lyndsey, and as soon as I can save enough money.. 26 00:00:50,311 --> 00:00:53,401 ...I'm gonna...put a deposit down on an engagement ring. 27 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,578 You don't have to buy me some dumb ring. 28 00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,493 That's all I ever wanted to hear. 29 00:01:00,712 --> 00:01:02,149 ♪ Men ♪♪ 30 00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,151 [Skype caller tone] 31 00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:06,762 - 'Oh, oh, hey, Jake.' - Hey, dad. 32 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,677 - What's going on? - Oh, I've got good news. 33 00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:11,027 - I've got a girlfriend. - Oh, oh, that's great. 34 00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:13,334 And it gets better, she gave me the clap. 35 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,077 Wait, wait, how's that better? 36 00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,383 It's a sexually transmitted disease, dad. 37 00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:26,303 - Sexually transmitted. - Disease. 38 00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,698 Yeah, so you get it. 39 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,874 Now everybody knows that I'mgetting it. 40 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,312 Wait, y-you're telling people? 41 00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,401 No, I don't have to, 'cause I scream when I pee. 42 00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,797 I'm literally speechless, Jake. 43 00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:45,888 - Hey, Walden! - Oh, hey, Jake. 44 00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,890 I got the clap. 45 00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,851 Uh...congratulations. 46 00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:57,465 Thanks, man. Alright, gotta run, dad, I'll talk to you later. 47 00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,684 I'm going to SeaWorld with my girlfriend and her three kids. 48 00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,212 It's too bad antibiotics can't cure stupidity. 49 00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:07,127 Hey, that's my son.. 50 00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,128 eh, you're right. 51 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,566 [computer beeps] 52 00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:13,524 - Huh. - What? 53 00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:16,440 I just got an e-mail from my ex-wife. 54 00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,181 She wants to meet me for coffee. 55 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,226 Judith? 56 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,010 Oh, no, no. My-my second wife. 57 00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,620 You got two women to marry you? 58 00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,842 Yeah, I had to get the taste of Judith out of my mouth. 59 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,628 How come you never told me about the second one? 60 00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:31,934 Ah, there wasn't much to tell. 61 00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:33,631 I mean, we got married in Vegas. 62 00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:35,372 'Won a half a million dollar jackpot' 63 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,331 she dumped me, took the money and moved to New York 64 00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,246 and became a TV star. 65 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,291 This might be the first interesting story 66 00:02:41,378 --> 00:02:43,772 you've ever told. 67 00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,339 Was she really a TV star? 68 00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:46,905 Yeah, she's on that cop show "Stiffs." 69 00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,126 "If you're not one of the suspects 70 00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,520 you're one of the Stiffs." 71 00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:54,522 I lovethat show. 72 00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:55,566 Well, who does she play? 73 00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:58,090 Detective Jane Risotto. 74 00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,963 Wait a minute! 75 00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:03,270 You were married to tough-talkin', smooth-walkin' 76 00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:05,489 pistol-packin' Jane Risotto? 77 00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:07,099 Guilty. 78 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,363 Guilty of being with the hottest woman on Earth. 79 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,148 - I-I know. - Hold on. Wait, her? 80 00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,367 Yes. 81 00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:16,457 You? 82 00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:18,241 Yes. 83 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,287 - No. - Yes. 84 00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:21,984 No! 85 00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:24,465 And you wonder why I didn't tell you about this. 86 00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:27,598 No! 87 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,688 'Yes!' 88 00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:33,343 No, no, no. 89 00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:36,433 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 90 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,958 ♪ Men men men manly men men men ♪ 91 00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,961 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 92 00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:45,094 ♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪ 93 00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,923 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 94 00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,231 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 95 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,755 ♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪ 96 00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,419 ♪ Men ♪♪ 97 00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,898 [indistinct chattering] 98 00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:08,552 Kandi, over here. 99 00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:09,858 Alan! 100 00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:11,163 Look at you. 101 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,339 You look terrific. 102 00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:13,514 Oh, thank you. 103 00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:14,950 And you look...wow! 104 00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,647 [Alan clears throat] 105 00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:19,781 That-that dress fits you like a spray-on tan. 106 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,872 - It's so good to see you. - Well, you, too. 107 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,830 So, uh, what are you doing here? 108 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,484 Meeting you for coffee. 109 00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,312 Duh. 110 00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:32,097 Uh, no, I-I meant what are you doing here in LA. 111 00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:34,535 Oh, I'm in the new James Cameron movie. 112 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,319 - Oh! - I'm gonna be in 3-D. 113 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,408 You'll certainly pop right off the screen. 114 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,716 Pop, pop. 115 00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:42,804 Thanks. 116 00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,022 So, what's up with you? 117 00:04:44,109 --> 00:04:45,459 - How's Jake? - Oh, good. 118 00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:48,070 - Uh, uh, he's in the army. - Wow! 119 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,637 [chuckling] Yeah. 120 00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:52,553 Which one? 121 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,250 Um...ours. 122 00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,599 Oh, phew. 123 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,776 So, look at you, little Miss Hollywood. 124 00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,910 Oh, puh-lease, I haven't changed at all. 125 00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,479 I'd like a non-fat decaf latte with just a whisper of foam. 126 00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,959 Um, Kandi, he doesn't work here. 127 00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:12,224 - Is that a problem? - Nope. 128 00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,839 So, did you ever get remarried? 129 00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:21,495 Oh, oh, no, but, uh, but, uh, I do have a lovely girlfriend. 130 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:24,802 - Oh, good for you. - Thanks. 131 00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:27,196 So, how about you? You seeing anyone? 132 00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:31,156 No, most guys just want a piece of Detective Jane Risotto. 133 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,683 Well, as pieces go, that's a good one. 134 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,032 Thanks. 135 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,816 I never told you this.. 136 00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:41,515 ...but you're the best lover I ever had. 137 00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:44,561 Oh, oh, jeez, uh I don't know what to say. 138 00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:47,216 Uh, but, you know, I certainly gave it 110% every time. 139 00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:49,958 Mm, wow! 140 00:05:50,045 --> 00:05:52,395 Imagine if you had given it your all. 141 00:05:56,051 --> 00:05:58,227 I'm sorry, you're in a relationship. 142 00:05:58,314 --> 00:05:59,837 We shouldn't even be talking about this stuff. 143 00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,535 That's right. It's just not appropriate. 144 00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:04,755 So, um so, didn't you date Derek Jeter, for a while? 145 00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,541 - I did. - Huh. 146 00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,023 ♪ Men ♪♪ 147 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:13,373 [knock on door] 148 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,942 - Hi. - Hi! 149 00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:19,291 What are you doing here? 150 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,641 Well, something weird just happened 151 00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,294 and I-I wanted to talk to you about it. 152 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,339 You okay? 153 00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:24,688 Oh, oh, yeah, everything's fine. 154 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:27,909 It's just, uh, uh, well, come here, sit down. 155 00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:29,737 What's going on? 156 00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,826 Uh, well, okay, here's the deal. 157 00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:36,918 I, I just met my ex-wife for coffee and she got a little 158 00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:39,529 flirtatious with me, and it kind of freaked me out. 159 00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,792 Wait, Judith got flirtatious with you? 160 00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,577 Oh, oh, no. It wasn't Judith. 161 00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,927 It was the hot one? 162 00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:48,233 Okay, I don't think Judith would appreciate that but, uh.. 163 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,541 ...but, yes, i-it was the-the hot one. 164 00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,674 What do you mean she was flirtatious? 165 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:55,719 Oh, oh, the details are unimportant. 166 00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,329 I mean, she said I was better in bed 167 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,897 than Derek Jeter but whatever, um.. 168 00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,683 Wait a second, you want me to believe that one of the sexiest 169 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,859 women in the world hit on you and you turned her down? 170 00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,600 Well, yes, yes, I-I did. 171 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,124 I-I told Kandi that I'm in a committed relationship 172 00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,692 with a woman that I-I truly love 173 00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,563 and-and I just wanted to tell you because 174 00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,957 I don't want us to have any secrets. 175 00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:17,524 - Really? - Yeah. 176 00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:20,396 I don't need a young, rich, gorgeous movie star 177 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,180 with flawless skin and a great body. 178 00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,443 I have you. 179 00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:29,971 Okay, l-let me try that again. 180 00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:32,713 ♪ Men ♪♪ 181 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:38,501 Oh, hey, you should take tomorrow off. 182 00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,547 - Why? - It's your birthday. 183 00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,983 Nobody should have to work on their birthday. 184 00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:44,159 Who the hell told you it was my birthday? 185 00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:46,378 You did, when we put you on my company health plan. 186 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:50,165 Damn it, I should've just lived with that hernia. 187 00:07:50,252 --> 00:07:52,515 Come on, birthdays are terrific. 188 00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:56,127 It's all your loved ones celebrating how great you are. 189 00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:59,609 It's like Christmas, except you're the savior of the world. 190 00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:02,133 Sounds good, but allmy loved ones 191 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,701 are in jail, rehab or dead. 192 00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,921 I can't think of anything I'm less interested 193 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:09,097 in than my birthday. 194 00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,402 Boy, do I have a story for you. 195 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,752 I stand corrected. 196 00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:15,059 What's going on? 197 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,670 So, I go meet Kandi for coffee. 198 00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,586 - Yeah. - It turns out she wants me. 199 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:20,804 - No. - Yeah. 200 00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:21,979 - No! - Oh, yeah. 201 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,024 - So did you? - No. 202 00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:24,982 - No? - Yes! 203 00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,941 Hold on, I'm lost. 204 00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:30,858 So, when I tell Lyndsey that I turned down Kandi because of her 205 00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:33,121 Lyndsey bangs my brains out. 206 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,470 'In the middle of the day.' 207 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,473 She could see everything and she kept going. 208 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,822 - No! - Yes! 209 00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:40,607 But let's not get caught in this loop again. 210 00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,130 I-I mean, all my life I've had to lie 211 00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,653 to women to have fantastic sex. 212 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:46,134 Turns out, all I had to do was be honest. 213 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:49,006 It's almost ridiculous in its simplicity. 214 00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:51,226 From now on, I'm just gonna be totally honest with women. 215 00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,402 Well, until they catch on to that scam. 216 00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:55,709 Exactly, then it's back to Alan Harper, astronaut. 217 00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:00,670 ♪ Men ♪♪ 218 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,151 [phone ringing] 219 00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:09,549 [sniffs] 220 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,463 Hello? 221 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,074 Kandi? 222 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,642 Wait, wh-why are you crying? 223 00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:19,515 Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. 224 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,301 Okay, not that slow. 225 00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:25,260 How many drinks have you had? 226 00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:30,439 Alright, "schlebbin" is not a real number.. 227 00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:33,790 ..but it sounds like it was a lot. 228 00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:37,141 Oh, no, no. D-don't talk like that. 229 00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,796 You've got plenty to live for. 230 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,493 Alright, alright. D-don't do anything stupid. 231 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,105 I-I'll be right over. 232 00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:46,542 This is the price I pay for being the best lover ever. 233 00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,116 Where you going? 234 00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:56,334 Oh, I, uh, got to take care of 235 00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,815 my drunk, hysterical ex-wife. 236 00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:00,730 What are you doing up? 237 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,950 Checking the stock market in London. 238 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:07,737 You're watching porn, aren't you? 239 00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:09,739 I have more than one window open, yes. 240 00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,656 Okay, I'll see you. 241 00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:16,050 Wait, hey, you, you want me to come with you? 242 00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,965 Oh, no, no. I think I can handle it. 243 00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,401 You think you might get laid. 244 00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,579 I have more than one window open, yes. 245 00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:25,102 ♪ Men ♪♪ 246 00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:32,066 ♪ Men ♪♪ 247 00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:34,721 [Kandi] 'It's open.' 248 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:38,986 Kandi? 249 00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,336 Hi. 250 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:42,772 Are-are you okay? 251 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:45,296 I am now that you're here. 252 00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:47,908 Wait a minute, wh-what's going on? 253 00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,432 On the phone you were drunk and practically suicidal. 254 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:55,306 - I was acting. - A-acting? 255 00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:59,615 Alan, you don't get a People's Choice Award for nothing. 256 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,182 So this whole thing was a setup 257 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,618 just to get me over here? 258 00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,881 I'm used to getting what I want. 259 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,188 Well, uh, yeah, yeah, Kandi 260 00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,930 but I told you before I-I have a girlfriend. And-and-and.. 261 00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:12,323 Oh, God, you smell good. 262 00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:16,066 K-kinda like a combination of pineapple and...hope. 263 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:22,072 I have a couple of old friends here who wanna say hello! 264 00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,119 Hello. Hello. 265 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,515 Why don't we continue this conversation in the bedroom? 266 00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:33,083 Oh, oh, Kandi, I, I-I can't. 267 00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,216 Um, I, I mean, I mean, I can. 268 00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:39,350 Uh, parts of me already did, but, uh, I-I have to leave. 269 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:41,135 Alright, fine. 270 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,834 You must really love her. 271 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,532 That's the only explanation I can come up with. 272 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,886 Jeez, the fact that you don't want to sleep with me 273 00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,192 makes me want you even more. 274 00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,891 But if you did sleep with me, you'd be like all the others 275 00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,502 and then I wouldn't want to sleep with you. 276 00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,200 So if you really don't want to sleep with me 277 00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:05,725 you should sleep with me. 278 00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:10,077 The scary part is that makes perfect sense. 279 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:12,079 G-goodbye, Kandi. 280 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,515 Don't forget me, Alan. 281 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,694 As long as there's a slow, soapy shower in the world 282 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,304 you will never be forgotten. 283 00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,658 ♪ Men ♪♪ 284 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,182 Good morning. 285 00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:30,271 Oh, hey, how'd it go with Kandi last night? 286 00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:32,099 Horrible. She wanted to have sex with me. 287 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:37,844 Why do bad things happen to good people? 288 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,889 Bottom line is, I took the high road and it sucks. 289 00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,849 That's why it's the road less traveled. 290 00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,372 Hey, let me ask you a question. 291 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:47,027 Yes, they're spectacular. 292 00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:48,985 I knew it. 293 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,508 Now, my question. 294 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,510 What do you usually do for Berta's birthday? 295 00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:55,165 Oh, uh, well, my brother would stuff a card full of cash 296 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:56,688 and then, after he passed out, I'd steam it open 297 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,300 take a few 20s and sign it. 298 00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,391 Yeah, I kind of get a feeling that.. 299 00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:05,654 ...she doesn't have anybody doing anything special for her. 300 00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:08,396 Yeah, I don't think she does. 301 00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:11,834 Let me know if you want to give her cash, I'll buy the card. 302 00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,445 [phone rings] 303 00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:16,012 Oh. Hey, Lyndsey. 304 00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,711 Whoa, whoa, c-c-calm down. 305 00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,150 Kandi's hotel room? 306 00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:27,067 What, what makes you think I was there? 307 00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:29,112 Paparazzi photos on the Internet? 308 00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:32,768 Uh, wow, that, that is just, that is crazy, Lyndsey. 309 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,553 I-I, I don't know what you're talking about. 310 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:39,470 - Hmm, maybe it's this. - 'Oh, crap.' 311 00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:42,996 Um, uh, well, alright, alright, alright. I-I-I can explain that. 312 00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,128 Uh, uh, she-she called me at 2:00 in the morning 313 00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,869 and I-I thought she was drunk and suicidal 314 00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,262 but it turns out she was just acting. 315 00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:51,221 Did you know she won a People's Choice? 316 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,006 B-b-but I swear nothing happened. 317 00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,573 [laughing] This doesn't look like nothing. 318 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,753 Uh, okay, okay, but-but, but what you can't see in that 319 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,582 picture is-is what I was thinking, and what I was 320 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,846 thinking about was you, the woman I lo.. 321 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:07,847 Hello? 322 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,545 Oh, man! 323 00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,547 Mm-mm, I'm sorry, buddy. 324 00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:13,940 Oh, look, you've been identified 325 00:14:14,027 --> 00:14:16,420 as "Matthew Broderick's father." 326 00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:19,684 ♪ Men ♪♪ 327 00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:20,816 [knock on door] 328 00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:26,474 There's the birthday girl! 329 00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:29,956 I'm not in the mood, Walden. 330 00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:33,046 There is a ton of weed in this. 331 00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,526 Happy birthday to me! 332 00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:39,835 ♪ Men ♪♪ 333 00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,793 [sighs] These photos are all over the internet. 334 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,752 Oh, my God. 335 00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,928 Oh, my boobs look good in this one. 336 00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:48,235 Yeah, your boobs look good, your life is perfect 337 00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,063 and I'm going to die alone. 338 00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,761 Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry. What can I do to help? 339 00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,242 Talk to Lyndsey, tell her nothing happened. 340 00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:56,765 She won't listen to me. 341 00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:58,854 - Of course. - Thank you. 342 00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,509 [Kandi clears throat] 343 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,641 It's her voice mail. 344 00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:04,816 She sounds very pretty. 345 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,428 Just leave a message. 346 00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:08,951 Oh, hi, Lyndsey. 347 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:13,260 It's Kandi, Alan's ex-wife and TV's Jane Risotto. 348 00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:14,783 I'm here with Alan in my hotel room and-- 349 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,786 - No. - What? 350 00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:19,048 - Got it. - Okay. 351 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:21,529 Sorry, wrong number. 352 00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,274 ♪ Men ♪♪ 353 00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:31,756 So, basically, the search results are processed through 354 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:35,760 the neural back end, which allows us to serve ads 355 00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:39,721 that are based on trends that are personalized for the user. 356 00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:44,073 Halfway through that, your head turned into a taco. 357 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,554 [both laughing] 358 00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:54,214 How cool is that? A talking taco. 359 00:15:56,042 --> 00:16:00,568 Talking taco, talking taco, talking taco. 360 00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,787 Oh, jeez, I am really high. 361 00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:08,576 There must have been a cat tranquilizer in that cupcake. 362 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:09,838 Woof. 363 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,669 [both laughing] 364 00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:22,416 I got to tell you, Walden. 365 00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:26,550 I never thought that I could work for anybody but Charlie.. 366 00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,988 ...but...you're a good guy. 367 00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:32,687 That means a lot. 368 00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:35,168 And if truth be told, I don't even mind 369 00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:37,518 seeing Zippy every day. 370 00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:38,780 Whoa! 371 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:42,653 I must be higher than I thought. 372 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,528 [Berta laughing] 373 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:54,056 You know, when I met you, I was at a real low point.. 374 00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:59,105 ...you and Alan took care of me 375 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:02,630 I got to say, other than my mother.. 376 00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:04,806 ...you're the closest thing I have to a family. 377 00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:11,160 I love you, Berta. 378 00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:13,771 You're a sentimental little taco, aren't you? 379 00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,557 [both laughing] 380 00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,211 ♪ Men ♪♪ 381 00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:19,429 [knock on door] 382 00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:25,740 - Hi, we need to talk. - Go ahead. 383 00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,090 I know you're really upset but I promise 384 00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:29,787 nothing happened between me and Alan. 385 00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,138 - I saw the pictures. - Pictures lie. 386 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:35,054 - So do boyfriends. - But not Alan. 387 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,143 Did you really try to seduce him? 388 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,754 I did but he turned me down. 389 00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:42,278 - Wow. - I was as surprised as you are. 390 00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:45,803 What about all that stuff about.. 391 00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:48,850 ...you enjoying sex with Alan more than with Derek Jeter? 392 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,808 Oh, honey, you know better than that. 393 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,465 ♪ Men ♪♪ 394 00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:57,511 Hola,Berta. 395 00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,991 Felizbirthday-o. 396 00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,038 Stop, you're freaking me out. 397 00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,304 Okay, alright, I'm gonna call a cab. 398 00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,437 I'm too stoned to drive. 399 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,530 I may be too stoned to call a cab. 400 00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:19,968 What about your car? 401 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,840 Oh, you know, just drive it to my house tomorrow. 402 00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:25,408 I don't know how to drive that thing. 403 00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:27,715 Oh, come on, it's easy, I'll show you. 404 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:28,977 Here. 405 00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,415 Someone help me out here. 406 00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,113 Where's your door? 407 00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,290 [Berta laughing] 408 00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:41,642 Happy birthday. 409 00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:45,907 Sweet Georgia Brown, you'd better not be screwing with me. 410 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,778 Nope, you always said it was your dream car. 411 00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:49,432 Well, today your dreams come true. 412 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:53,001 Oh! Come here, you big old talking taco. 413 00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,047 [gasps] 414 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,093 Oh, oh, there's one condition. 415 00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,660 Okay, you want to do it in the house 416 00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,749 or on the hood of the car? 417 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:03,620 No. 418 00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,448 Hey, Alan can never 419 00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,494 find out about this. 420 00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,452 Alan can never find out about this. 421 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,413 ♪ Men ♪♪ 422 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,592 ♪ Men ♪♪ 423 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,724 Oh, that is great, honey. 424 00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,726 Well, I-I will talk to you later. 425 00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,120 Okay, okay, bye-bye. 426 00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,035 Wow, Lyndsey's in a better mood. 427 00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,079 [Alan snorts] 428 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:31,735 It's like her head is in a whole different place. 429 00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:36,914 Uh, uh, it's on. 430 00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:38,786 [man on TV] 'If you're not one of the suspects..' 431 00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:41,223 [together] You're one of the Stiffs. 432 00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:47,577 God, she's hot. 433 00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:50,058 - Yeah. - Yeah. 434 00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,628 Excuse me, I'm gonna go check the stock market. 435 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,417 Guess what Walden bought me for my birthday. 436 00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:05,465 ♪ Men ♪♪ 437 00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:10,774 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 438 00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:14,213 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 439 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,128 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 440 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,174 ♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪ 441 00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:22,569 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 442 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,398 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 443 00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,356 ♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪