1 00:00:03,264 --> 00:00:04,961 ♪ Men ♪♪ 2 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,051 Hey. 3 00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:09,835 Hey. 4 00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:15,406 Everything okay? 5 00:00:15,493 --> 00:00:17,365 Yeah. 6 00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:21,238 I just can't remember what I came down here for. 7 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:25,416 Oh. That happens to me all the time. 8 00:00:25,503 --> 00:00:29,159 I-I can't remember a specific example, but yeah. 9 00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:31,509 Yeah, that's annoying. Uh, maybe you were hungry. 10 00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:32,728 Did you come down to get something to eat? 11 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,904 No, I just ate. 12 00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:36,514 Were you going to watch TV? 13 00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:38,690 No. I have a TV in my room. 14 00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:41,780 This is very disconcerting. 15 00:00:41,867 --> 00:00:44,044 Don't panic. I mean, we'll figure this out. 16 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,871 Did you come down to give me the money you owe me? 17 00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:47,743 Ah. 18 00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,353 It's worth a shot. 19 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,834 No. I was upstairs, and I thought to myself 20 00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:54,358 "I need to come downstairs and.." 21 00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:58,884 [grunting] 22 00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:01,235 You know what might help? A little less.. 23 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:04,586 - "Whoa, dude, where's my car?" - No, it's not the pot. 24 00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:07,371 I've been smoking pot since.. 25 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:10,026 It's-it's not the pot. 26 00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:12,376 What did I come down here for? 27 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,857 [doorbell ringing] 28 00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:23,561 - Walden! - Hey! 29 00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:27,565 I remember now. We have a houseguest. 30 00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,785 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 31 00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:34,268 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 32 00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:39,360 ♪ Men men men men manly men oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪ 33 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:42,711 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 34 00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:46,410 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 35 00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:48,064 ♪ Men ♪♪ 36 00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:58,292 ♪ Men ♪♪ 37 00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:00,642 Thank you so much for sending that car for me. 38 00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:03,210 I mean, I felt like a big ol' movie star at the airport. 39 00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,037 The driver held up a sign with my name on it 40 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:09,651 carried my bags, and even gave me a bottle of water from Fiji. 41 00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:12,306 - It probably wasn't from Fiji-- - Would you look at this house? 42 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,090 I mean, right here on the ocean. 43 00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:15,613 This is like something you would see in a magazine 44 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,006 except there would be famous people 45 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:18,964 standing here instead of us. 46 00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:20,879 It is so nice to see you. 47 00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:22,968 Well, it is nice to see you, too. Let me.. 48 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:23,926 Uh, Missi, let me introduce you to my friend-- 49 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,754 Hi, I'm Missi. 50 00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:27,059 Everyone thinks it's short for Melissa, 51 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,060 but it's actually short for Mississippi. 52 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,105 The river not the state. 53 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,672 'Cause according to my parents 54 00:02:30,759 --> 00:02:32,587 I was conceived on the deck of a gambling boat 55 00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,589 when my daddy won a $5,000 jackpot on the Caribbean poker. 56 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:35,720 Wow, that's a-- 57 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,374 Had you ever been to the Caribbean? 58 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,463 I went there three years ago for Spring break 59 00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:41,465 and got stung by a jellyfish. 60 00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:44,860 My friend had to pee on my leg. 61 00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:48,124 Alan. 62 00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,431 - Uh, it's nice to meet you. - It's nice to meet you, too. 63 00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,867 Um, could you direct me to the little girl's room? 64 00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:53,434 I mean, unless one of y'all 65 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,871 have recently been stung by a jellyfish. 66 00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:59,396 - Oh, it's right here. - Thank you. 67 00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:00,832 Wow. 68 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:02,443 She's a pistol. 69 00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,880 More like an AK-47. 70 00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:07,926 So, uh, what's, uh.. what's the story here? 71 00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:09,580 Uh, you and her..? 72 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,669 No. She's my old friend Jerry's daughter.. 73 00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:13,758 ...and she's thinking about moving here, so I told him 74 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,631 she could stay here for a couple days, and I'd show her around. 75 00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:18,067 Mm. She's very pretty. 76 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,205 Yeah? 77 00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:28,643 How old do you think she is? 78 00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:31,036 - Like, 18 or 19. - Oh, perfect. 79 00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:34,475 You might lose a friend but you won't go to jail. 80 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:40,655 Ow! Hey! Hey, hey, don't hit me 'cause you can't hit that. 81 00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:41,917 Ow! 82 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:48,010 ♪ Men ♪♪ 83 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:52,188 Oh, my God, the weather here is amazing. 84 00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:53,711 You know, I could just lay out in the sun 85 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,278 all day just like a big ol' lizard. 86 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:56,758 Back home, I have to get a spray tan 87 00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,238 and sometimes it comes out a little orange 88 00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,891 which is totally fine during Halloween 89 00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,676 'cause I can always say that I'm going as a pumpkin. 90 00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:04,548 - Oh, that's interesting. - I love Halloween. 91 00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:06,158 Last year, I went to this party as a slutty nurse 92 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,117 and then, the year before that I was a slutty cat 93 00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:09,771 and the year before that, I was a ladybug. 94 00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:11,381 A slutty ladybug? 95 00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:14,776 What? No! Why would I be a slutty ladybug? 96 00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:16,168 Oh, I just.. 97 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,909 - So.. - Thought since you were.. 98 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,521 - What's the deal with Alan? - Oh, we.. 99 00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:21,957 Y'all, like, gay for each other or something? 100 00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:23,393 I mean, it's totally fine if you are. 101 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,221 I have a gay friend. His name is Russell. 102 00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:28,006 I got him to make out with me one time, but it didn't take. 103 00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:31,358 No. We...we are not gay. 104 00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:34,317 We are definitely not gay. 105 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,797 Uh-uh.. 106 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:37,146 So, your dad tells me that you're, um.. 107 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,713 ...you're thinking about relocating. 108 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,062 Well, to be honest with you, 109 00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:41,716 I'm not really sure what I want to do. 110 00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:43,457 You know, I can always keep working as a dental assistant. 111 00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:44,501 You know, that person that sucks the spit out of your mouth 112 00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,286 with that little Wet-Vac 113 00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:48,940 and then gives you the free toothbrush and the lollipop. 114 00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:51,639 You do know what the lollipop's for, right? 115 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,163 - Well, I'm assuming.. - Repeat business. 116 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,426 You know, if it were up to me, I'd just give them caramel apple 117 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,036 or a little taffy or something. 118 00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,169 Pull their teeth right out of their little heads. 119 00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:01,910 Now, that's how you make money off children. 120 00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,740 Well, that and baby beauty pageants. 121 00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:07,698 Right. 122 00:05:07,785 --> 00:05:09,700 - So, uh... - Do you have a girlfriend? 123 00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:12,094 Uh...no, I do not. 124 00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,401 I just went through a breakup. 125 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:15,489 Oh, you poor baby. 126 00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:17,055 I am so sorry. 127 00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:18,883 Could you put some suntan lotion on my back? 128 00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:20,537 Uh, sure. 129 00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:21,799 Thanks. 130 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,069 Well, don't forget to rubba-dub-dub. 131 00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,984 - Rubba-dub-dub? - Yeah, you got to rub it in. 132 00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,770 - Oh. - Okay. 133 00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,339 Would you be offended if I popped the girls out? 134 00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,905 What? 135 00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,604 You know, get a little color on Kim and Khloe. 136 00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:46,868 'Kim and Khloe..' 137 00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:49,784 Oh, yeah, go ahead. 138 00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:52,221 - Well, - Where you going? 139 00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:56,747 Uh, I just need to do this thing that I need to do. 140 00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:03,058 Okay. I'll be right here. Take care. 141 00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:04,929 ♪ Men ♪♪ 142 00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,627 'You know, I had an electric car, too, when I was little.' 143 00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:07,584 'You know, like one of those little Barbie Jeeps.' 144 00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,194 Uh-huh. 145 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:10,848 But this one time, I left it out in the rain. 146 00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:12,633 - So the battery died. - Uh-huh. 147 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,374 So my dad had to drill two little holes in the floorboard 148 00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:15,766 so I could stick my feet through 149 00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:17,594 and pedal it just like Fred Flintstone. 150 00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,640 - Yabba-dabba-doo! - Yabba-dabba-doo! 151 00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:20,684 - Hey. - Hey. Where have you guys been? 152 00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:22,120 Uh, we went... 153 00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:23,470 Walden took me to the Santa Monica Pier. 154 00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,341 I actually got one of those churros. 155 00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:30,259 You know, it's like a...like a doughnut, but long and Mexican. 156 00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,565 Oh, hey. I'm Missi. 157 00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:33,044 Are you Alan's girlfriend? 158 00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:35,786 - Hell, no! - No! 159 00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:37,135 No, Berta is my housekeeper. 160 00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:38,920 Oh, cool. When I was in high school 161 00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:41,139 I used to clean rooms at the Howard Johnson Hotel. 162 00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:42,358 People are disgusting. 163 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:43,881 I walked into a bathroom one time 164 00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,928 and it looked like a cow had exploded. 165 00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:51,367 Excuse me. That churro's heading back to the border. 166 00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:53,195 That, my friends, is what you get 167 00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:55,066 when hillbillies have unprotected sex 168 00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:58,505 with hummingbirds. 169 00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,724 ♪ Men ♪♪ 170 00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,813 No. No trouble at all, Jerry. 171 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:03,814 She's a great kid. 172 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:07,427 Takes after her old man. 173 00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:08,906 Uh-huh. 174 00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:11,300 Uh-huh. 175 00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:15,913 Uh-huh. 176 00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:20,396 Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting another call. I got.. 177 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:21,832 Uh-huh. 178 00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:26,707 Uh-huh. 179 00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:30,101 You know, I love you dearly, Jerry, but you got to shut up. 180 00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:35,411 Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy. 181 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:36,456 [knocking on door] 182 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:39,763 - Yeah? - Hi. 183 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:41,678 Hey, I just got off the phone with your dad. 184 00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:44,246 - He was just calling to see.. - Oh, Lord, that man can talk. 185 00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:46,422 I swear, he doesn't even pause to take a breath. 186 00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:49,817 - Do you have a sec? - Uh, sure. 187 00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:53,647 Okay, yeah, have-have a seat. 188 00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,300 - Uh.. - Wow. 189 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,215 This is a nice bed. 190 00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:58,869 I bet you could do some serious drilling 191 00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:03,004 on a workbench like this, huh? 192 00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:06,268 Yeah. So you wanted to talk to me about something? 193 00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:08,966 Do you remember the last time that we saw each other? 194 00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:11,273 - At dinner? - No, silly. 195 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,362 I'm talking about when I was, like, eight years old 196 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,799 and you came to visit us, and we all went to the state fair. 197 00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,235 Okay, I remember that. 198 00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:18,889 Remember you had to take me and my mom 199 00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:20,500 'cause my dad was working late? 200 00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,327 And we ate cotton candy for dinner, and then you won me 201 00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:25,113 that little stuffed pig in the squirt-gun horse race? 202 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,290 I used to practice my kissing on him. 203 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,379 Lucky pig. 204 00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,512 Eventually, I wore out all the terry cloth on his snout 205 00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,818 but it was actually okay, 'cause by that time, I changed over 206 00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,865 to real boys, which, turns out a couple of them were pigs, too. 207 00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,649 Yeah, pigs. 208 00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:43,087 Do you want a robe or a blanket or a suit of armor? 209 00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:44,915 Oh, no, no, no, no. 210 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,222 I'm fine. And remember, I wanted to go on the tilt-a-whirl, 211 00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:48,919 but my mom was too scared 212 00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,573 so you said you'd sit next to her, but I wanted you 213 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:51,574 to sit next to me, so you sat in between us, 214 00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,097 and you held both of our hands? 215 00:08:53,184 --> 00:08:54,359 But actually, you were the one that got scared 216 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:55,796 and started praying real loud. 217 00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:58,320 "Oh, Lord, please get me off this ride!" 218 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:01,410 I think you even tinkled a little bit. 219 00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:03,934 Oh, it's a good memory. 220 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:07,938 I remember 'cause it was one of the best days ever. 221 00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:10,767 Aw. 222 00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,813 Are you lonely? 223 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:16,120 Uh, you know, I-I got Alan. 224 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:21,082 Yeah, but Alan doesn't keep you warm at night. 225 00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:24,520 You'd be surprised. 'Cause he, uh.. 226 00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:27,915 Listen, um, I have this idea. 227 00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:31,222 You know, you might think that it's kind of crazy. 228 00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:32,920 Okay. 229 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,836 I was just thinking, you know, since you're single 230 00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:39,579 and-and you're super hot and a really nice guy.. 231 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:40,797 Yeah. 232 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:43,670 That, you know, maybe 233 00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:46,281 you'd like to hook up with my mom. 234 00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:55,072 What? 235 00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,857 She's been all alone ever since my daddy ran off 236 00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:58,249 with that lady from the dry cleaners.. 237 00:09:58,336 --> 00:09:59,555 You know, the one with that weird eye 238 00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:00,904 that won't quite open all the way. 239 00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,384 Probably from all them dry cleaning fumes. 240 00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,951 You know, we should have seen it coming. 241 00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,648 She gave him all the clothes that nobody claimed. 242 00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:08,346 He had, like, four tuxedos. 243 00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,174 Wait. Wait. 244 00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:11,785 You want to set me up with your mom? 245 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,134 She kind of always had a thing for you 246 00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,310 but she would kill me if I told you. 247 00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:17,355 Okay, Missi, I don't think that's a good idea.. 248 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,707 Just think about it, okay? 249 00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:21,838 Okay. 250 00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,840 Great. 251 00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,233 Oh, and if it helps at all 252 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,451 she actually just got her boobs done. 253 00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,192 They actually used mine as a model. 254 00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:30,281 The doctor even put 'em in his catalogue, number 244. 255 00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:32,066 Anyone can't get 'em 256 00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:34,285 but it's kind of weird now when I walk around town 257 00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,548 I just keep thinking I see my boobs everywhere. 258 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,593 Goodnight. 259 00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,817 Her mom? 260 00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,472 ♪ Men ♪♪ 261 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:48,865 When did I become the guy 262 00:10:48,952 --> 00:10:51,302 that the hot 19-year-old looks at and goes 263 00:10:51,389 --> 00:10:54,305 "Hey, you'd be great for my mom?" 264 00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:55,698 Count your blessings. 265 00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:57,134 One of my patients tried to set me up 266 00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:58,614 with her 70-year-old grandmother. 267 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,007 No.. 268 00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:01,835 Yeah, yeah, we dated for three months 269 00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:04,228 and then, um, one day I showed up 270 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,622 and she couldn't remember who I was. 271 00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,276 So we dated another two months. 272 00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:11,366 And, um, every day was new again 273 00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:14,891 until finally I got tired of introducing myself. 274 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,893 Oh! But then six months later 275 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:21,376 she sent me a ten-dollar check on my birthday. 276 00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:23,987 [male #1] 'Hello?' 277 00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:25,815 Jake? 278 00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:29,993 - Hey! - What are you doing here? 279 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,778 I got a weekend pass, so I took a train in 280 00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,214 to surprise you guys. 281 00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,346 - Hi, soldier! - Hello. 282 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,652 You must be Jake. 283 00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,915 I'm sleeping in your room. 284 00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:42,789 Well, God bless America. 285 00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,181 ♪ Men ♪♪ 286 00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:50,622 ♪ Men ♪♪ 287 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,712 It is so nice to meet you. I'm Missi. 288 00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,365 Short for Mississippi, not Melissa. 289 00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,238 She got stung by a jellyfish and peed-on. 290 00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,892 Thank you. 291 00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:00,894 Are you, like, one of those Navy SEAL guys? 292 00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,112 They are so awesome. 293 00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,723 No, I'm just a cook. 294 00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,115 Well, that's cool, too. 295 00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,464 - Without food, everybody dies. - That's so.. 296 00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:07,901 This one time, I found this 297 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,511 little baby bird that fell out of a tree 298 00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,774 'and landed in my backyard and he was almost dead.' 299 00:12:11,861 --> 00:12:13,558 So I started feeding him with this little eyedropper 300 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:16,126 full of warm milk. "Eat little bird, eat little bird." 301 00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:17,519 And eat he did. 302 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,129 Within a week, I was chewing up crackers 303 00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:20,957 and spitting 'em right in his mouth. 304 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,829 'And when he finally had enough strength to fly on his own.' 305 00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,918 - I set him free from the box. - No kidding. 306 00:12:25,005 --> 00:12:28,443 It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. 307 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,314 But he got about ten feet up in the air 308 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,925 before my cat launched himself off that picnic table 309 00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:33,361 and caught him right in mid-air. 310 00:12:33,448 --> 00:12:34,754 I mean, he didn't even have to chew. 311 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,886 Just one gulp and that bird was gone. 312 00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:39,236 But...I didn't have to feed Mr. Mittens that day. 313 00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:42,457 So I know how important food is. 314 00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:44,241 Thanks. Uh, if you're hungry 315 00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,156 - I could.. - I would love something to eat! 316 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:49,464 Oh. Okay. 317 00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,944 Alright, well, uh.. 318 00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:52,989 Welcome back! 319 00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:56,297 Good catching up. 320 00:12:56,384 --> 00:13:00,083 That was like being there the first time Beavis met Butthead. 321 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:02,303 Wait till Beavis sees Butthead in a bikini. 322 00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:06,220 God. You remember falling that hard and fast for a girl? 323 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,396 I remember the fast part. 324 00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:11,399 Kind of a relief those days are behind us, huh? 325 00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:13,009 Behind you. 326 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,706 These are my days. 327 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,448 - Oh, no, I wasn't saying.. - No, I am young, Alan. 328 00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,623 I am young! 329 00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:20,974 Fine, fine, you're young. 330 00:13:21,061 --> 00:13:22,714 Where you going? 331 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,716 I don't remember. 332 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,243 ♪ Men ♪♪ 333 00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:32,115 Mmm. Kid makes good chili. 334 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,551 Glad you like it. 335 00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:34,988 We have enough.. 336 00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:38,600 ...for a month. 337 00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:39,819 Why? 338 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,342 The recipe was for a platoon 339 00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:44,911 and math is not his strong suit. 340 00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,217 Where'd he take "Oh, my God, this place is beautiful. 341 00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,350 "Does that ocean go all the way to Hawaii? I love Hawaii. 342 00:13:49,437 --> 00:13:52,962 You know alohameans hello and good-bye?" 343 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,398 They went for a walk on the beach 344 00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,096 which, you know, has more grains of sand 345 00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:57,793 than there are stars in the entire Milky Way. 346 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,534 Speaking of which, do you like Snickers or Milky Way? 347 00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:02,102 I like Three Musketeers. 348 00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:04,452 Even though I don't know what nougat is. 349 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,239 Hey, what you doing? 350 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,241 Missi and I are hanging out on the beach. 351 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,113 Am I gonna see you at all while you're home? 352 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,376 Oh, uh-huh, yeah, sure. 353 00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:17,769 - You're never gonna see him. - Hey. 354 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,554 Missi told me she's trying to set you up with her mom. 355 00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,077 How cool would that be? 356 00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,949 If you married her mom and I married Missi 357 00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:25,560 you'd be my stepdad. 358 00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,083 Yeah, really cool. 359 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:28,955 Alright. See you later, Dad. 360 00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:30,652 And Dad. 361 00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,439 You know, if they have kids, we'd be their grand pappies. 362 00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,919 Ow! 363 00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:40,053 ♪ Men ♪♪ 364 00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,358 Well, to make a long story short 365 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:42,925 I ate all the wafers, which is why 366 00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:46,146 you should never smoke pot before you go to church. 367 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,974 That's funny. This one time, me and my friend-- 368 00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,367 Do you want to hear a joke? 369 00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,586 Sure. 370 00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:52,979 - What do gay horse eat? - What? 371 00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:55,590 Ha-a-a-a-y! 372 00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,026 Can I ask you something? 373 00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:59,289 - Any.. - Do you think I talk too much? 374 00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:01,335 No, I love listening to you talk. 375 00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,728 - I mean, it's funny. Normally-- - You are just so sweet. 376 00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:05,252 I swear I could just eat you up 377 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:06,775 but, you know, then I'd probably get a sugar rush 378 00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,472 'cause you are just so sweet, and if you think 379 00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:12,128 I talk a lot now, you should really hear me after I.. 380 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,434 Well, I am definitely gonna shut up now 381 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,783 'cause you're a really good kisser 382 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,393 and the last thing I want to do is.. 383 00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:22,356 ♪ Men ♪♪ 384 00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,271 Look at you making breakfast. 385 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,750 It's what the army trains you to do 386 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:28,318 when you keep dropping a loaded gun. 387 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:29,406 Here, have a cup of coffee. 388 00:15:29,493 --> 00:15:30,712 Oh, thank you. 389 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,409 - You want to hear a joke? - Sure. 390 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:33,758 What do gay horses eat? 391 00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,412 - Mm... - Hay. 392 00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:50,645 So, uh, when do you leave for the base? 393 00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:52,342 Oh, my train leaves at 4:00. 394 00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:53,343 Mm. I'll give you a ride to the station. 395 00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,084 Thanks. 396 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:58,087 You kidding? It's the only time I will get to spend with you. 397 00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:01,134 So, uh, how was sleeping on that couch last night? 398 00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:03,353 Oh, you know, it was a little lumpy 399 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,400 but better than sleeping with 60 guys 400 00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:10,404 coughing, farting, and getting all romantic with themselves. 401 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,276 Missi still sleeping? 402 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,712 No, she's in the shower. 403 00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:21,502 Oops. 404 00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:22,764 No, it's fine. 405 00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,461 Sh-She seems like a nice girl. 406 00:16:24,548 --> 00:16:25,941 You have no idea. 407 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,640 Well, if you'll excuse me. 408 00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:31,860 I'm gonna take her some breakfast. 409 00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:35,037 As you can imagine, we worked up quite the appetite. 410 00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:38,562 Right. 411 00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:41,565 And...when I say "worked up an appetite", you understand-- 412 00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:44,046 I got it, I got it. 413 00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,527 ♪ Men ♪♪ 414 00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:50,835 I really loved hanging out with you this weekend. 415 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,055 Cool. 416 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,665 Uh...yeah. 417 00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,972 So, listen, I get another pass in, like, a month 418 00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,148 so maybe we can see each other then. 419 00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:00,976 Maybe. 420 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:02,543 Are...you feeling alright? 421 00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,371 You're awful quiet. 422 00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,895 Well, here's the thing, Jake. 423 00:17:06,982 --> 00:17:09,767 Hang on, Dad! There's a thing! 424 00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:12,118 What's the thing? 425 00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:15,730 - I sort of have a boyfriend. - A boyfriend? 426 00:17:15,817 --> 00:17:18,602 Well, technically we broke up because I was tired of him 427 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:19,734 always putting his career ahead of me. 428 00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:21,040 He's a doctor. 429 00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:23,346 Well, not a real doctor, a glass doctor. 430 00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:24,913 You know, like if you get a crack in your windshield 431 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,393 he will come right to your driveway and fix it 432 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:27,350 in less than half an hour, guaranteed. 433 00:17:27,437 --> 00:17:28,786 So.. 434 00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,832 Anyway, he sent me this e-mail this morning 435 00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,355 saying that he wants to try things again 436 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:36,533 but now I really like you. It's just that.. 437 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,709 Zach and I have been together for, like, six months 438 00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,407 and we even went to a wedding together. 439 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:43,845 I can't just throw that away. 440 00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:47,022 But, I thought you.. 441 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:50,982 Good-bye, Jake. 442 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,332 Don't be a hero. 443 00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,732 What the hell just happened? 444 00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:02,777 ♪ Men ♪♪ 445 00:18:06,346 --> 00:18:07,564 ♪ Men ♪♪ 446 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,829 You and Missi make plans to see each other again? 447 00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:13,527 No. 448 00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:15,268 Why? I-I thought you two were, uh.. 449 00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:17,748 I thought so, too. 450 00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:19,750 Oh. 451 00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,712 - If it helps-- - It doesn't. 452 00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:27,758 Okay. 453 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,025 - I remember my first-- - Dad. 454 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,810 Gotcha. 455 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,511 Does it get any easier? 456 00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,383 Oh, God, no. 457 00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:46,255 But...the human mind is a wonderful thing. 458 00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:48,605 It forgets pain, so you can.. 459 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:52,392 ...go out and get some more. 460 00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:53,958 She has a boyfriend back home. 461 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:57,310 A doctor. 462 00:18:57,397 --> 00:19:00,051 How am I supposed to compete with that? 463 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,923 Let me ask you something, Jake. 464 00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,316 Knowing what you know now 465 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,796 and feeling how you feel now.. 466 00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:08,799 Would you have done anything differently? 467 00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,323 No. 468 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:13,804 I just would've done it a few more times. 469 00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:15,893 There you go. 470 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:19,941 That's what love's all about. 471 00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,856 ♪ Men ♪♪ 472 00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:24,032 Hey. So, I just got off the phone with my mom. 473 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:25,642 Oh, yeah? 474 00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:29,907 She's really looking forward to hearing from you. 475 00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,735 Gee, I-I don't know, Missi. 476 00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:33,824 I'm...I'm not sure it's a good idea. 477 00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,349 I mean, I know your mom and dad aren't together anymore 478 00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:38,481 but your dad's an old friend and.. 479 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,657 Here's a recent picture of her. 480 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,708 Then again, I haven't seen him in years. I.. 481 00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:50,406 Great. I'll go tell her that you're gonna call. 482 00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:52,147 Hey, wait. Wait a second. I.. 483 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,062 Yeah? 484 00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:57,283 I'm flattered that you think I'd be good for your mom 485 00:19:57,370 --> 00:20:00,677 but I was just curious 486 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:03,724 at any point in time, did you think that.. 487 00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:06,117 Maybe you and me..? 488 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,249 Ew. 489 00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:16,302 A simple "no" would suffice. 490 00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:17,912 ♪ Men ♪♪ 491 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,264 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 492 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:26,312 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 493 00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:31,404 ♪ Men men men men manly men oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪ 494 00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:34,015 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 495 00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:38,237 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 496 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,803 ♪ Men ♪♪