1 00:00:01,697 --> 00:00:03,699 ♪ Men ♪♪ 2 00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:05,788 [Jake on screen] 'So, to make a long story short' 3 00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,529 they say it's my fault for leaving the pistol 4 00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:09,183 on the seat of the Jeep. 5 00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:11,272 I say it's the general's fault for sitting on it. 6 00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:16,494 But either way, I'm not allowed to have a gun for a while. 7 00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:19,628 And a weary nation breathes a sigh of relief. 8 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:22,892 Yeah, yeah, terrific, um 9 00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:24,633 so, they've got you workin' in the kitchen? 10 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:25,764 [Jake] 'Yeah, we call it the mess.' 11 00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:26,939 [male #1] 'That corn's not gonna' 12 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,376 'cream itself, Harper!' 13 00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,073 Uh, yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 14 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:31,770 Uh, gotta go back to work 15 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:34,295 defending our nation against terrorists and whatnot. 16 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:35,774 Take care of yourself, buddy. 17 00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:37,037 Don't worry, dad. 18 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,561 I'm being all I can be. 19 00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:42,303 Wow. 20 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:43,478 Yeah. 21 00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:45,001 Seems like just yesterday 22 00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,047 he was an adorable chubby-cheeked little boy 23 00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,310 catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica. 24 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,442 Now he's a fuzz-faced buck private 25 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,792 catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana. 26 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,493 Hey, guys. What do you think? 27 00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,016 Oh, yummy. 28 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,369 You look like a maitre d'in heaven. 29 00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:06,805 What's the occasion? 30 00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:07,980 It's Zoey's birthday. 31 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,634 Oh, well, tell her happy birthday. 32 00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,636 - What are you gonna give her? - The rest of my life. 33 00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:12,898 Beg your pardon? 34 00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:14,030 I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 35 00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:16,206 - Hello. - Are you serious? 36 00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:17,599 Absolutely. 37 00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:19,949 Wow, wow, that's, uh.. 38 00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:22,212 What he's trying to say is, once you're married 39 00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:23,431 where's he gonna live? 40 00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,998 No, stop, please. 41 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,175 No, I'm, what I'm trying to say is I-I-I think 42 00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:30,264 it's wonderful and-and I'm very happy for you. 43 00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:32,048 I figured, why not, you know? 44 00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,919 I mean, I love her, I love her daughter. 45 00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,921 Yeah, it's win-win for everybody. 46 00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:37,445 Gonna miss ya. 47 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,884 Hey, I don't wanna get ahead of myself 48 00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:45,757 but...I was hoping you'd be my best man. 49 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,977 Oh, uh...Walden 50 00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,848 I-I-I'd be honored to be the best man at your wedding. 51 00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:53,069 [laughing] 52 00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:55,767 What's so funny? 53 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:56,942 You wouldn't be the best man 54 00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:58,944 at the Dinah Shore Golf Classic. 55 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,642 [chuckling] 56 00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:04,298 Alright, you can be the maid of honor. 57 00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,214 Okay, I gotta go. 58 00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,389 Good luck with Zoey. 59 00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:09,955 Oh, thanks, but I mean 60 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,435 come on. 61 00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:16,353 How about that? The kid's getting married. 62 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,268 Yeah. Crazy, huh? 63 00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:21,663 If I looked like him, I wouldn't take myself off the market. 64 00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:23,795 - Is that so? - Oh, yeah. 65 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,449 I'd be out there every night 66 00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:27,886 wearing my penis down to a nub. 67 00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:32,021 It would look like a golf pencil. 68 00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:37,157 Hey, a golf pencil does a lot of scoring, lady. 69 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:42,684 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 70 00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:44,164 ♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-oh oo-o-oh ooh ooh ♪ 71 00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,861 ♪ Manly men men men ♪ 72 00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,907 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 73 00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,996 ♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪ 74 00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:54,304 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 75 00:02:54,391 --> 00:02:57,046 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 76 00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:59,875 ♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪ 77 00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,362 ♪ Men ♪♪ 78 00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,757 This is magnificent. 79 00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,629 As are you. 80 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,370 Happy birthday. 81 00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:17,762 Thank you. 82 00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,985 Zoey.. 83 00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:26,945 ...my life...is so much better with you in it. 84 00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:30,166 Aw. 85 00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,995 The first time I saw you.. 86 00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:34,692 ...it was like.. 87 00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:35,867 ...fireworks. 88 00:03:41,873 --> 00:03:43,745 - Did you do-- - I did. 89 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,404 And when I hear your voice.. 90 00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,362 ...it's like music. 91 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:55,626 Music. 92 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,716 [whispers] Sorry. 93 00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:01,241 [guitar music] 94 00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,373 God, Walden. 95 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,506 All this for my birthday? 96 00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,551 Not just for your birthday. 97 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:10,250 You see, Zoey 98 00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:15,690 when a man...loves a woman.. 99 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,389 ...he can't keep his mind on nothin' else. 100 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,088 Okay, I'm totally lost now. 101 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,178 He'd give up all his comforts.. 102 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,269 ...and sleep out in the rain 103 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,879 if she said that's the way it ought to be. 104 00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:31,967 Wait, that's from some song. 105 00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:34,665 No, no, not some song. 106 00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:36,101 A great song. 107 00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,843 Bolton, you're up. 108 00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:46,895 ♪ When a man loves a woman ♪ 109 00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:51,769 ♪ He can't keep his mind on nothin' else ♪ 110 00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:52,944 ♪ He'd trade the world.. ♪ 111 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,555 Get up, get up. 112 00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,557 Stop it. 113 00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:59,342 Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce.. 114 00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:02,519 ♪ If she's bad he can't see it ♪ 115 00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:05,783 ...will you do me the honor of becoming.. 116 00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:09,439 ...Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce Schmidt? 117 00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:12,137 ♪ Turn his back on his best friend ♪ 118 00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:15,663 ♪ If he puts her down ♪ 119 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:22,322 ♪ When a man loves a woman ♪ 120 00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:23,714 ♪ Deep down in his soul.. ♪ 121 00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:26,413 No. I'm sorry. I can't do it. 122 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,631 ♪ She can ♪♪ 123 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:30,852 Zoey! 124 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,379 ♪ When a man loves a woman.. ♪ 125 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,468 Shut up, Bolton! 126 00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:46,563 ♪ Men ♪♪ 127 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,174 So, after they get married 128 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,741 I don't know what I'm going to do. 129 00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,526 Oh, Alan, don't be coy. 130 00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,832 If you want to come live with me, just ask. 131 00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,878 Can I come live with you? 132 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,053 No. 133 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:02,013 Oh, come on, mom, I'm gonna be homeless. 134 00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,102 Once he marries her, I'm gonna be living on the street. 135 00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:05,887 Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills 136 00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:07,454 so I can visit you. 137 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,672 [doorbell rings] 138 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,026 Does this guy belong to you? 139 00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,813 Michael Bolton? 140 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,771 Hi, Alan. 141 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:23,731 Uh, y-yes, b-bring him in. 142 00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,602 What happened? 143 00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,125 She said no. 144 00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:29,301 Oh, oh, Walden, I am so sorry. 145 00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,915 When I proposed, she just ran out of the restaurant. 146 00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,265 Now she won't return my calls 147 00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:38,398 or e-mails or texts. 148 00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:40,269 It's like she's ignorin' me 149 00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:42,532 across the entire digital spectrum. 150 00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:46,101 It's like she's Amish. 151 00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,452 So...you went out drinking 152 00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:52,063 and ended up picking up Michael Bolton? 153 00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,630 No. 154 00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,894 I hired him to sing while I was proposing. 155 00:06:56,981 --> 00:06:59,767 I should've gone with Josh Groban. 156 00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,899 Wait, you're gonna blame me for this? 157 00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,601 I'm gonna call her again. 158 00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:11,692 Oh, my stars, Michael Bolton. 159 00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:14,172 I have a vibrator named after you. 160 00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,396 Zoey, why won't you answer? 161 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,354 Was it something I did? 162 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,748 Was the ring not big enough? 163 00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:27,011 - Was it Bolton? - Hey! 164 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,972 Okay. 165 00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,887 Screw it, I just can't sit around here. 166 00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:35,411 Come on, Bolton, let's go find her. 167 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,326 I'm not gonna go looking for your girlfriend. 168 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:39,589 Why don't you see if Groban's available? 169 00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:44,638 Hey, I bought and paid for your ass until ten o'clock. 170 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,946 It's 10:01. So now you can kiss it. 171 00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,910 Fine, I'll just drive myself. 172 00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:57,651 Oh, no, no, hang on, hang on. You can't drive. 173 00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,566 I-I-I'll take you. 174 00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,393 See, you're a good friend. 175 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,830 You're dead to me. 176 00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:08,749 I can't believe the things I do for money. 177 00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:11,055 You won't believe the things I'll do for free. 178 00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,104 ♪ Men ♪♪ 179 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,627 I really, really think you ought to wait 180 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:18,672 till tomorrow to do this. 181 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,978 No, no. 182 00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,764 - I need to know why. - Uh-uh, not a good idea. 183 00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:26,549 See, i-it's like asking a woman why she won't sleep with you. 184 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,246 You always hope that it's 'cause you're too big 185 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:30,422 and you'll ruin her for other men. 186 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,511 [knocking on door] 187 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:32,990 But, no, it's usually 'cause she 188 00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,949 sobered up and got a good look at you. 189 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:39,127 Oh, Walden. Ugh! 190 00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:41,085 Ugh! That's the sound they make. 191 00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:44,132 We need to talk. 192 00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:46,003 Can we do this tomorrow? 193 00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,050 Let me use a word that you're fond of. 194 00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:50,704 "No." 195 00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,183 Have you been drinking? 196 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:55,578 Let me use a word that you're not fond of. 197 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:56,579 Yes. 198 00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,669 She's right, Walden. You can come back tomorrow. 199 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:02,803 No. I'm not leavin' until I get an answer. 200 00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:03,934 Oh, Walden, please. 201 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,241 Zoey, I need an answer. 202 00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:07,851 Oh, it's complicated. 203 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,288 No. 204 00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:13,248 Peeing with morning wood is complicated. 205 00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,991 True. That thing is like a Water Wiggle. 206 00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:21,648 Once, I shorted out a light socket in the ceiling. 207 00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,565 - I've done that. - Yeah. 208 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:32,223 Saying yes to someone who loves you 209 00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,661 more than life itself 210 00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,054 is not complicated. 211 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:39,013 Fine. Do you really want to know? 212 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:40,580 I really want to know. 213 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,277 Oh, hang on, hang on. Okay, okay. 214 00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:43,887 This is a textbook example of 215 00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,323 what I was talking about earlier. 216 00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:46,847 When a woman says, "Do you really want to know?" 217 00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,457 you think you wanna know, but trust me 218 00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:49,676 you don't really wanna know. 219 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,939 No, I really wanna know. 220 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,377 There's someone else. 221 00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:01,209 You're right. I did not wanna know. 222 00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,690 It's someone I was involved with many years ago 223 00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:06,214 and he's having a very, very rough time and.. 224 00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:08,216 ...and he needs me. 225 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,219 Oh. 226 00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:13,874 Well, that clears it up. 227 00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,571 Hey, if you like hanging out 228 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,442 with guys who are down on their luck 229 00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,575 why don't you just shack up with my loser friend? 230 00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:20,620 Mm-hmm. 231 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,715 Um, I'm actually not available. 232 00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,368 Ugh. 233 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,935 ♪ Men ♪♪ 234 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,941 ♪ Men ♪♪ 235 00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:40,422 Wait a minute, there's another guy? 236 00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:41,510 Yep. 237 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,730 Better than Walden? 238 00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,035 Apparently. 239 00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,384 I'm sorry 240 00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,299 unless this new guy can fly around the room 241 00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,693 and shoot fire out his ass.. 242 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,695 ...that bitch is crazy. 243 00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,046 - Hey. - Well, hey. 244 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,265 Look who's finally up. 245 00:10:57,352 --> 00:10:58,483 How you feeling, buddy? 246 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,007 A little hung-over. 247 00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:02,487 Berta, you got any pot brownies? 248 00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,576 Until they cure glaucoma. 249 00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:07,492 Thanks. 250 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:09,930 You want a glass of milk 251 00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,366 or something to wash that down with? 252 00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:13,237 No, I'm good. Thanks. 253 00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:17,154 Um, instead of getting loaded, maybe you wanna talk about it? 254 00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,809 What is there to talk about, Alan? 255 00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:22,290 She's with another guy! 256 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,553 I changed my mind about the milk. 257 00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:30,820 I mean, how can another guy give her anything 258 00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:32,430 that I can't give her? 259 00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,694 Maybe he doesn't talk with his mouth full. 260 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:38,262 You know what? 261 00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:39,655 I don't think the other guy 262 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:42,005 can give her anything I can't. 263 00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:43,180 Well, you're probably right. 264 00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,399 Probably? 265 00:11:47,619 --> 00:11:49,578 Definitely! 266 00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:51,449 You know what? Let's just make a list. 267 00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,017 Okay, here we go. Look at this. 268 00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:56,541 Walden...and the other guy. 269 00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,543 Let's just call him Dick. 270 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:00,763 Okay. 271 00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,199 Ability to provide. 272 00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,940 Walden, billionaire. 273 00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,463 Dick? Less. 274 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,118 That's one point for me. 275 00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,554 Okay, looks. 276 00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:10,730 You win. 277 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,994 Thank you, Berta. 278 00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:15,473 I didn't wanna say so myself. 279 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,258 Oh! There! Humility. 280 00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:19,956 That's two more checks for me. 281 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,394 Okay, what else? Oh, just an all around great guy. 282 00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:25,135 Everybody likes me. 283 00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:26,876 Who likes Dick? 284 00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,231 - Um-- - Berta, please. 285 00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:39,062 Oh, God. 286 00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,716 Zoey likes Dick. 287 00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:45,895 Who am I kidding? 288 00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,375 Zoey loves Dick! 289 00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,857 Oh, hey, hey. 290 00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,424 Take it easy. 291 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,825 I miss her, Alan. 292 00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,435 I miss the way she looks at me. 293 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:07,308 Her smile. 294 00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:08,744 Sure, sure. 295 00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,182 Her hair. 296 00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:18,145 - Her cute little butt. - Hello, sailor. 297 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,279 Just the way our bodies just fit perfectly together. 298 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,718 Damn, I should've hugged him. 299 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,374 ♪ Men ♪♪ 300 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,595 Trust me, buddy, a stranger in your bed 301 00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:36,554 is not gonna chase away the memory of Zoey. 302 00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,382 What do you suggest I do? 303 00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:41,342 Well, what usually helps me is a bottle of supermarket vodka 304 00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:44,301 and masturbating using my tears as lubricant. 305 00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:48,566 So I'm just supposed to accept being alone forever? 306 00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,481 Hey, you will never be alone 307 00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,049 because I will never leave you. 308 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,485 - Thanks. - Can't get rid of me. 309 00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,357 I'm like a dry cough. 310 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,056 Yeah, you might be onto something. 311 00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,189 And maybe I should just give up women. 312 00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,364 We should go gay! 313 00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:05,583 [chuckles] Good one. 314 00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:07,672 But, no, I'm serious. 315 00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:09,457 Really? 316 00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:12,503 Okay, okay, if we're gonna do it, we got to do it right. 317 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,549 We'll, uh, we'll get married in New Hampshire 318 00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:16,638 uh, register at Pottery Barn 319 00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:17,987 adopt a Chinese baby. 320 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,337 Ooh, we can wear scarves at our wedding! 321 00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:21,773 You would look great in a scarf. 322 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,254 It hides the turkey neck. 323 00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:26,256 We live together, we like each other. 324 00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:28,171 - We're halfway there. - Sure, sure. 325 00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,303 Mailman already thinks we're gay. 326 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,348 Yeah, he does. 327 00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,220 At-at night, we could sit out on the deck 328 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,699 and grill up a couple steaks. 329 00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,919 [snorts] Steaks? Who are we kidding? Seared ahi. 330 00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,703 - Oh, better. - Maybe some couscous? 331 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,749 - Oh, I love couscous! - Yeah! 332 00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,142 Yeah, and then, after dinner 333 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,187 we could go inside and watch the game. 334 00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:45,232 Or if the game's a blowout 335 00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:46,276 we switch to "Project Runway." 336 00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,017 Yeah! 337 00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:49,584 Yeah, what do you think? 338 00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:52,761 Mr. and Mr. Walden Schmidt. 339 00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,720 So, I would take your name? Why wouldn't we take my name? 340 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:57,766 'Cause I'm the breadwinner. 341 00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,724 So you think making a home isn't work? 342 00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,554 I am sorry. 343 00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,643 We'll hyphenate. 344 00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,645 - Schmidt-Harper. - Harper-Schmidt. 345 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:09,604 Fine. 346 00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:12,041 I'll order the towels. 347 00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:16,524 So, listen, um...would we be, uh, having sex like guys do? 348 00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,962 Oh, I would. You'd be having sex more like a woman does. 349 00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,009 Hmm. 350 00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:24,227 Problem? 351 00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:26,751 No, I'm open to it. No pun intended. 352 00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,320 But? 353 00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,018 Look, I'm willing to take one for the team 354 00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:35,412 it's just...if this doesn't work out 355 00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:38,241 I'd have to know I'm gonna be provided for. 356 00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:39,808 What is that supposed to mean? 357 00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,766 It means I'm not signing a prenup. 358 00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:47,250 Excuse me, is this seat taken? 359 00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,383 No, help yourself. 360 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:50,514 Thanks. 361 00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,866 Yo, forget what I said about giving up women. 362 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,346 No, yeah, I was just goofin'. 363 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,653 Hi, I'm Walden. 364 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,089 So close. 365 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,137 ♪ Men ♪♪ 366 00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:12,493 I told you I had a big backyard. 367 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:16,714 You didn't tell me it was so-o-o...wet. 368 00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:22,590 Yeah, I got to get my sprinklers checked. 369 00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:24,331 This happens every day. 370 00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,290 [chuckling] 371 00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:43,698 Who-o-oa. 372 00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:45,656 Are you okay? 373 00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,658 Yeah, I think so. 374 00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,619 No, I don't think so. 375 00:16:56,972 --> 00:17:00,584 Um...are you as high as I am? 376 00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:01,977 I'm pretty baked. 377 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,544 [chuckling] 378 00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,154 You're also pretty pretty. 379 00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,373 Aw. 380 00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,295 Are you ready to get freaky? 381 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,908 I am way ahead of you. 382 00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,346 ♪ Men ♪♪ 383 00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,830 You must think I'm awfully easy. 384 00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,312 No, I think you're wonderfully easy. 385 00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:34,792 [chuckling] 386 00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:37,447 Uh-oh, here we go again. 387 00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:39,319 I didn't expect anything like this to happen 388 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,624 when I went to a bar alone 389 00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:43,105 in a short skirt and no underwear. 390 00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,891 Ah, geez. 391 00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:48,241 What's the matter? 392 00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:50,373 Nothing. I.. 393 00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,636 I'm just coming out of a bad break-up 394 00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,290 so I'm a little shaky. 395 00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,423 That's okay. 396 00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,468 I know how to make you forget her. 397 00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:12,656 Uh-oh. 398 00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,832 Still thinkin' about your girlfriend? 399 00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:17,618 No. 400 00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,924 It's my ex-wife this time. 401 00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,927 Okay. Let's try again. 402 00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,931 [moaning] 403 00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:35,766 Mommy. 404 00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:37,638 "Mommy?" 405 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:40,771 Okay...daddy. 406 00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:44,035 [laughing] Can we just hold on for a second? 407 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,821 Am I doing something wrong? 408 00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:47,952 No, no. 409 00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:50,390 I, um.. 410 00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:53,393 I might just be a little too high. 411 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,439 Okay, let's slow it down. I got nowhere to be. 412 00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:58,920 Great. 413 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:11,454 [imitating a woman] I could kiss you all night long. 414 00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,848 [Walden screaming] 415 00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,808 I could have made him scream like that. 416 00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:19,506 ♪ Men ♪♪ 417 00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,293 ♪ Men ♪♪ 418 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,295 I'm really sorry. 419 00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:27,514 Me too. 420 00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,298 I don't usually mistake 421 00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:30,691 the women I'm sleeping with 422 00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:33,259 for adult contemporary pop artists. 423 00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:35,348 That's new. 424 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:39,656 I need air. 425 00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:48,535 Alright, no pot for a while. 426 00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:50,058 [Zoey] 'Oh, well done, you.' 427 00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,539 It wasn't the pot. 428 00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:55,455 Would you please just get out of my head? 429 00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:58,588 Yelling's not gonna solve your problems, Walden. 430 00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,503 Oh, damn it. 431 00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:03,071 Women leaving, that's your problem. 432 00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:05,204 Not right now, it isn't! 433 00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,685 It was my fault, really. 434 00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,078 Oh, great. 435 00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,516 I was the first to abandon him. 436 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,476 Oh, you didn't abandon him, you had a career. 437 00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,522 Huh, tell him that. 438 00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:22,569 Just all of you just leave me alone? 439 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,354 Go away, I tell you! Go away! 440 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,269 No way I'm signin' a prenup. 441 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,708 You know what? Just get out of my head! 442 00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,407 Just leave me alone! 443 00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:36,060 ♪ Men ♪♪ 444 00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:41,805 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 445 00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:45,113 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 446 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,072 ♪ Men men men men manly men ♪ 447 00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,249 ♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪ 448 00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:53,556 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 449 00:20:53,643 --> 00:20:56,211 ♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪ 450 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,344 ♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪