1 00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:02,703 Previously on: 2 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:04,305 So, what have you been up to? 3 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,174 I started a new software company 4 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:07,775 with my old partner Billy Stanhope. 5 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,044 You really think we can finally build the electric suitcase? 6 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,812 Yes. We have the technology now. 7 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:13,314 Something you should know. 8 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:14,882 It's about your ex-wife. 9 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:15,949 What, Bridget? 10 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,651 Yeah. I'm, uh... 11 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,187 kind of sleeping with her. 12 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:21,089 What? Wait! Hey! 13 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,459 Morning. 14 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,562 It's 2:00 p.m. 15 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,363 So? 16 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,099 It's Saturday; I slept in. 17 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,966 It's Sunday. 18 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,735 Really? 19 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,270 That's disturbing. 20 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:39,807 So what did you do last night that you had to sleep all day? 21 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,409 One thing at a time. 22 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,911 I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Saturday. 23 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:46,380 Jake, you're gonna graduate high school in a few days. 24 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,648 Don't you think it's time 25 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:48,916 to start getting your life together? 26 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,551 I will if you will. 27 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:51,985 What? 28 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,222 I will certainly consider that, Father. 29 00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:55,656 This is serious. 30 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,225 You will never amount to anything if you sleep all day. 31 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,492 WALDEN: Morning. 32 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,099 I'm sorry, I was distracted 33 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,967 by the naked billionaire that just woke up. 34 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:10,504 Shut up and eat your damn cereal. 35 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,141 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 36 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:16,410 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 37 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:31,925 Man, I did not think Jeremy was ever gonna stop talking. 38 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,394 Yeah. 39 00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:36,664 That guy really puts the "dict" in "valedictorian." 40 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:39,333 Thinks he's so great just 'cause he's going to Harvard. 41 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,801 Where is Harvard anyway? 42 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:44,071 Dude, didn't you learn anything in high school? 43 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,940 It's the capital of Connecticut. 44 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,942 Are you sure? 45 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:49,943 Yeah. 46 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,479 Harvard, Connecticut. 47 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,682 What'd you think was the capital of Connecticut? 48 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,650 "C." 49 00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:59,353 (laughs) 50 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,788 You're an idiot. 51 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,956 I don't know why I hang out with you. 52 00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:03,957 'Cause you're gay. 53 00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,226 Well, what does that make you? 54 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,528 Attractive. 55 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,733 So are your parents giving you a hard time about your "future"? 56 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,834 Oh, yeah. 57 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,035 Both my mom and my dad. 58 00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:16,604 I'm sick of hearing it. 59 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,640 Yeah. "If you're not going to college, you need to get a job." 60 00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:22,109 Where do they get this stuff? 61 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,378 Beats me. 62 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,850 So what are we gonna do? 63 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,919 About what? 64 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,721 Our future. 65 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,489 Oh. 66 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:40,828 I could go for some frozen yogurt. 67 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,095 Good idea, man. 68 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,130 Let's go. 69 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,433 Should we take our robes off? 70 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,567 No, no, leave them on. 71 00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,836 They'll attract smart chicks. 72 00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,874 Come on, Judith. He's your son too. 73 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,811 I have videotape of him shooting out of your body. 74 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,180 Yes, I've talked to him 75 00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:03,251 about his lack of plans, but it's like talking to a wall. 76 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:07,588 A very good-natured, but dense wall. 77 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:11,959 Of course I'm concerned, but what do you want me to do? 78 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:15,529 No, I'm not gonna ask Walden to give him a job. 79 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,932 Because it would be an imposition. 80 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:23,637 Yes, more of an imposition than me living there for free. 81 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,907 Okay, okay, if it'll get you to shut up, I'll ask him. 82 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:32,313 She's never gonna shut up. 83 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:33,314 Okay, okay. 84 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,748 Good-bye, Judith. 85 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:35,783 (scoffs) 86 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:38,786 I am so thankful I have you in my life. 87 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,854 What about my son? 88 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,290 What about him? 89 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,293 You're gonna ask Walden for a job for Jake, but not Eldridge? 90 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,596 Of course not. 91 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,532 I was just gonna hold Eldridge back to sweeten the deal. 92 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,273 BILLY: I have a question. 93 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,574 What? 94 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,911 Why didn't you order adjustable chairs? 95 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,213 I did. 96 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,215 Mine's adjustable. 97 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,283 Well, wait. 98 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,784 How'd you do that? 99 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,387 This lever right here. 100 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,222 I don't have a lever. 101 00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:16,590 Hmm? 102 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,026 Well, that's too bad, you being so short and all. 103 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,330 You did this to get back at me. 104 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,564 I don't know what you're talking about. 105 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,566 For sleeping with your ex-wife. 106 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,636 Do you really think that I am so petty 107 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:32,606 that I would pay a chair manufacturer an extra $480 108 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:37,077 to remove the adjustable height feature? 109 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:41,515 That is crazy talk. 110 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,952 How's everything down there at the Lollipop Guild? 111 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,591 Hey, guys. 112 00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:51,992 Am I interrupting? 113 00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:52,993 Hey, Alan. 114 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,495 Just thought I'd bring you by 115 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,997 a little office-warming dieffenbachia. 116 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,367 Ah, thank you. 117 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,268 Looks like you got the place up and running. 118 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,470 We're getting there. 119 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,804 Electric Suitcase, Inc. 120 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:07,775 Very, very impressive. (laughs) 121 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,778 What can I do for you? 122 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,381 Oh, nothing. I just came to drop off my gift 123 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,848 and wish you well. 124 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,983 Okay. 125 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,152 Okay, well, I'll get out of your hair. 126 00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,355 Uh, nice to see you again. 127 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,557 Yep. Always a thrill. 128 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:25,759 Oh, there is one thing. 129 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,095 Here we go. Here we go. 130 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:31,198 Um, you know Jake just graduated high school. 131 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,501 Oh, hey, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the ceremony. 132 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,302 Oh, don't be silly. No one expected you to. 133 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:36,470 You know what? Here... 134 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,440 why don't you give this to him for me. 135 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,308 Ooh, a hundred dollars. 136 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,844 I will make sure he gets this. 137 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,450 What? I-I don't even know the kid. 138 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:50,851 Oh, of course not. (laughs) 139 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,986 Um, anyway, I was just wondering, um, 140 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:56,189 since you've started this exciting venture 141 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,691 and obviously you're hiring, 142 00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:00,428 that there might be an opportunity here for Jake. 143 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,596 He's not going to college? 144 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,665 Not unless he's delivering pizzas. 145 00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,333 Uh, probably true, 146 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,901 but he has a good heart, 147 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,337 and I'm afraid if I can't find him a decent job, 148 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,072 he might have to sell it. 149 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,174 Okay, listen, Alan, I'm sorry. 150 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,576 I-I like Jake, 151 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:19,046 but I just don't think we have anything for him here. 152 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,213 Oh, oh, okay. 153 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,416 I understand. You know, he's just my kid. 154 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,917 Our future. But, um, 155 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,454 but thanks anyway. 156 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,821 Oh, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it. 157 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:28,922 Yeah? Yeah? 158 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,992 Does he know anything about computers at all? 159 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,394 Not per se, but he is eager to learn. 160 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:37,431 He's like a sponge when it comes to soaking up information. 161 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,900 No, he isn't. 162 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,369 Will you at least give me the sponge part? 163 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,104 Yeah, if you lay him on a wet spot, 164 00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,939 he might absorb liquid. 165 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,676 Why are you being such a jerk, man? 166 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,110 Let's give the boy a shot. 167 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,445 Billy, 168 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,514 I've seen this kid spend an entire afternoon 169 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,650 smoking dope and trying to lick his own nipples. 170 00:06:56,717 --> 00:07:00,353 Who amongst us hasn't... done... 171 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,491 Look, we will... we will take him on, okay? 172 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:06,527 Billy... He'll be my responsibility. 173 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,061 Oh, thank you so much. You will not regret it. 174 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:11,765 Yes, you will. I will send him right over. 175 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,033 Oh, one more thing, 176 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,469 uh, my girlfriend's son needs a job too, 177 00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:16,970 but you're gonna love him, he's... 178 00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,205 blonde. Bye. 179 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,375 Okay, I'm telling you right now, 180 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,978 this is a bad idea. 181 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,616 How did you do that? 182 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,018 I don't know what you're talking about. 183 00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:38,258 Okay, fellas... 184 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:39,793 this is the heart and soul 185 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,529 of The Electric Suitcase. 186 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,163 300 state of the art, 187 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,765 high bandwidth servers 188 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,567 all working in tandem. 189 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,235 Cool. Awesome. 190 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,436 Any questions so far? 191 00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,004 Uh, yeah. Is there a cafeteria 192 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,606 or do we order in? 193 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,943 There's a cafeteria on the 14th floor. 194 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,845 Oh. Cool. I got a question. 195 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:58,445 Yes? 196 00:07:58,512 --> 00:07:59,947 Do they have donuts? 197 00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,150 Was I lying? 198 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,919 I don't know if I have donuts. 199 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,455 That's okay. It's not a deal-breaker. 200 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,657 Glad to hear it. 201 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,924 Uh, okay, guys... 202 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,326 all you have to do between now 203 00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:14,762 and 8:00 tomorrow morning, 204 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:19,066 is watch the lights on these servers, all right? 205 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:20,133 If a green goes to red, 206 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,035 it means the drive is about to fail 207 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,170 so all you do... 208 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,272 you pop it out 209 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:26,807 and you replace it 210 00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:29,209 with a fresh one from right here. 211 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,978 Got it. No problem. All right. 212 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,814 Oh, and there's no smoking dope in this building. 213 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,348 No, sir. Absolutely not. 214 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,751 Not inside the building. 215 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,187 Or outside the building. 216 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,822 How about the roof? 217 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:42,856 No. 218 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,958 What about before we come to work? 219 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:45,759 No! 220 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,360 What about brownies? 221 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:50,230 There's no pot, period! 222 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,767 No brownies, no God, no roof, no outside, no inside. 223 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,936 No problem. All right. 224 00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:58,105 Good. 225 00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,173 Oh, and we just want to take this opportunity 226 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,743 to thank you both for this great opportunity. 227 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,912 'Cause let's face it, it is an opportunity. 228 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,514 And it's great. Opportunity. 229 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:10,350 Remember, this is on you. 230 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:12,920 Oh, and on a personal note, 231 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,254 thank you for the graduation money. 232 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,923 It's my pleasure. 233 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,659 A kid my age can always use an extra 50 bucks. 234 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,298 You know, 235 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,868 I kind of like this whole "working for a living" thing. 236 00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,402 It feels good, you know? 237 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:30,738 Responsible, grownup. 238 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,105 Absolutely. 239 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:35,175 All right, we have successfully downloaded 240 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,711 40,000 hours of porn. 241 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,513 That's a lot to watch two minutes at a time. 242 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,382 I just hope Billy and Walden don't notice 243 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,051 that we're using their hard drives. 244 00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,787 Don't worry. I've labeled every movie "personal." 245 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,455 Oh. Good thinking. 246 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,958 Oh, red light. I got it. 247 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,562 Nicely done. 248 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:57,831 We got this job nailed, my man. Yeah. 249 00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,199 And the best part is, 250 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,968 we are in on the ground floor of the company. 251 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,170 (beeps) Oh, another one. 252 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,471 Allow me. 253 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,807 Maybe they'll give us stock options and we'll be rich. 254 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,341 What exactly is a stock option? 255 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,343 It's a call option on the common stock of a company, 256 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,579 issued as a form of cash compensation. 257 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:13,814 If the company stock rises, 258 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,382 the holder of the option 259 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,185 generally experiences a direct financial benefit. 260 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,120 Where'd you learn that? 261 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:23,123 Wikipedia. It's not just for term papers. 262 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:26,326 The point is, we're gonna be rich. 263 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:27,861 (beeps) Oh, another one. 264 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,463 Cool. So we'll have our own planes 265 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,532 and yachts and chicks. 266 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,434 And tons of pot. Chicks with pot. 267 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:35,602 Chicks with pot in bikinis. 268 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:36,837 Naked chicks with pot. 269 00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,171 On a yacht. 270 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,340 I like that a lot. 271 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,341 Uh-oh. 272 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,076 That's not good. 273 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,013 Yeah. Why are they all going bad at the same time? I don't know. 274 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,647 It's like there's some sort of virus. 275 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,217 Like the kind you get when you download too much... 276 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,119 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. 277 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,321 Maybe we should call Billy! 278 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,123 No, we can do this! 279 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,626 Okay, we can't do this. 280 00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,062 Call Billy! Call Billy! 281 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:03,463 Hello? 282 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,232 Billy, it's Jake. 283 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,735 (hissing) 284 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,271 I just want to start once again 285 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,041 by saying how grateful we are for this opportunity. 286 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,308 It's great. 287 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:31,725 How did this happen? 288 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,727 Oh, I... I don't know. 289 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:37,497 Well, faulty wiring or, uh, cheap hardware... 290 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,132 Definitely not a porn virus. 291 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,133 Shut up. 292 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,401 How could you guys do this? 293 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,270 I went out on a limb for you. 294 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,271 I believed in you. 295 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:45,472 Well, thank you. 296 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,407 It was... it was a wonderful opportunity. 297 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:48,809 Oh, great opportunity. 298 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,914 So, when do we get paid? 299 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,849 (chuckles wryly) 300 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:56,884 Okay. 301 00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:59,252 Yeah, you can't. I know their parents. 302 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,324 Hey. What are you guys doing here? 303 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,060 I thought your shift didn't end till 8:00 a.m. 304 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,328 Well, we got done early. 305 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,063 Oh. Everything go okay? 306 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,464 I was kind of worried 307 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,466 you might burn the whole place down or something. 308 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:16,503 Well, it wasn't "or something." 309 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,644 How am I supposed to find jobs in the next 24 hours? 310 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:26,013 Beats me. 311 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,547 It's like our parents are clueless 312 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,682 about how bad the economy is. 313 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,751 Yeah. 314 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,054 You know what, 315 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,056 instead of working for someone else, 316 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,891 we should start our own business. 317 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,492 I like that. 318 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,229 We could find some adventure capitalists 319 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,832 and become, um-- what do you call-- 320 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,233 entrepraneers. 321 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,668 Yeah. It's not like we don't have our own good idea. 322 00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:50,370 We have great ideas. 323 00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:56,844 Hey, maybe we can put other food on a stick and sell it. 324 00:12:56,910 --> 00:13:00,313 Yeah. Pizza on a stick. 325 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:01,448 Pizza sticks. 326 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:01,982 Pie. 327 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,116 Pie sticks. 328 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,284 Fish. 329 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:07,988 Yeah, what are we going to call those? 330 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,957 Fish-sicles! 331 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,458 Genius! 332 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,592 Yeah. 333 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,261 MAN: Excuse me. 334 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,196 Did I hear you guys say 335 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,664 you're looking for jobs? 336 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:18,798 Yeah. 337 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,233 Why? 338 00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,851 Maybe it's me. 339 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,419 I'm an idiot magnet. 340 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,954 ALAN: Hey. 341 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,327 Yup. 342 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,230 Hi. 343 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,364 How you doing? 344 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,799 Not so good. 345 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,268 Yeah, yeah, we heard, and we're so, so sorry. 346 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,636 So, so very sorry. 347 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,771 Yeah, well, thank God the files are backed up 348 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,908 and insurance will cover most of the damage. 349 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,042 That's great news! 350 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,176 Yes. Phew! 351 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,711 (laughing) 352 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:11,684 You do realize that your children are not normal. 353 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:15,588 Well, yeah, but, you know, what's normal? 354 00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:17,024 And-and in Jake's defense, 355 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,926 he never would have done anything like this 356 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,028 unless, uh, you know. 357 00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,196 (chuckling nervously) 358 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,298 "You know" what, Alan? 359 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,400 Well, I didn't want to, you know, say anything 360 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,769 but, uh, but clearly there's a bad influence involved here. 361 00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:31,838 I mean, I don't want to point any fingers, 362 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,908 but, uh, his name rhymes with "smeldridge." 363 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,276 (Lyndsey scoffs) 364 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,545 Oh, my God. 365 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,380 You-you can't be serious. 366 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,815 My son had never been in trouble in his life 367 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,317 until he met your son. 368 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,552 Never been in trouble? 369 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,719 He tried to counterfeit money 370 00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,621 with a computer and an inkjet printer. 371 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,723 The government dropped the charges. 372 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,892 Only because there's no such thing 373 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,627 as a $25 bill. 374 00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,596 LYNDSEY: Yeah? Yeah? Well, 375 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,298 well, what about when Jake stole your brother's Mercedes 376 00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,433 and lost it in Topanga Canyon? 377 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,002 He didn't steal it. He borrowed it. 378 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,903 And he was only driving it because my brother was drunk 379 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:06,573 and someone had to take his hooker home. 380 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,910 In Topanga Canyon, which is where she lived. 381 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,112 You are always making excuses for him. 382 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,613 And you don't excuse Eldridge? 383 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,448 LYNDSEY: Hey, he went through a very rough divorce. 384 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:16,916 ALAN: And Jake didn't? 385 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,052 LYNDSEY: Well, at least your wife traded up. 386 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,520 Wh-what is that supposed to mean? 387 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,056 Really? That was too subtle for you? 388 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,494 Hey, everybody, good news. 389 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,362 You don't have to worry about us finding work. 390 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,663 You-you got a job? 391 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,232 Yeah. It's not just a job though. 392 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,502 It's an adventure. 393 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,503 What? 394 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,606 We're gonna be all we can be. 395 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,211 Oh, oh, no-no, you didn't. 396 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,412 We didn't what? 397 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,813 Join the Army. 398 00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:49,849 Yeah, we joined the Army. How'd you know? 399 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:54,921 You need to listen to me. 400 00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:59,826 They are not normal. 401 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,070 Uh, hiya. 402 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,404 Hi. 403 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,572 Looking for a new career? 404 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,974 Um, I'm 44 years old. 405 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,109 That's okay. 406 00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:17,810 Today's Army is all-inclusive. 407 00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:21,048 You can be as old and as gay as you want. 408 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,950 Uh, well, that's-that's good to know. 409 00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:26,519 Um, uh, but I-I actually wanted to talk to you 410 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,821 about my son, Jake Harper. 411 00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,524 Harper. Harper. 412 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,061 Oh, yeah, wants to be a drone pilot. 413 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,295 Yeah, he told me. 414 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:36,396 He thinks it's like a video game. 415 00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:37,530 Oh, it is. 416 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,132 It's exactly like a video game. 417 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,401 Except we blow up real people. 418 00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:44,671 Yeah, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. 419 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:45,505 Um, 420 00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:46,639 I love my son, 421 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,041 uh, but more importantly, 422 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,343 I love my country, 423 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,346 uh, which is why I don't think my son 424 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:56,183 should have access to flying bombs. 425 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,686 Or really any kind of weapon. 426 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,221 I mean, between you and me, 427 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,590 I've seen him try to pick up spilled food with a fork 428 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:05,458 and stab himself in the leg. 429 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,094 And not just once. 430 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,563 I understand your concern, but our training is unsurpassed. 431 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,432 We take boys and turn them into men. 432 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,201 I know you think that... 433 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,171 ...but you don't know him like I do. 434 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,706 He's 18, right? Yeah. 435 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,242 Not currently on probation or under indictment? 436 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,043 No. Is this his signature? 437 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:25,044 Yeah. 438 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,346 Then if he passes the physical, 439 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:29,249 he's signed, stamped, and off to camp. 440 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,752 I see. 441 00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:35,122 Oh, look, al-Qaeda! 442 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:38,325 It's just a copy! 443 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,194 Hey, guys, you like video games? 444 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:47,700 Congratulations, Jake. 445 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,470 I know I'm only your stepdad, but I'm real proud of you. 446 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,205 Thanks, Herb. Were you ever in the Army? 447 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:55,074 Well, the KISS Army. 448 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,611 But I don't think that really counts. 449 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:00,913 You think Mom's ever gonna stop crying 450 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,081 before I go? 451 00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:03,316 (sobbing quietly) 452 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,352 My guess is no. 453 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,454 Don't worry, Mom. 454 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,688 I'll be fine. 455 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,822 I'm a grown man now. 456 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,491 No, you're not. 457 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,826 You're my bigheaded baby. 458 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:16,095 (sobbing) 459 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:19,366 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 460 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,314 So, Berta, are you gonna miss me? 461 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,149 Nah, why should I miss you? 462 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,318 You're just an extra toilet to clean. 463 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,953 That is, when you hit the toilet. 464 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:44,291 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 465 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,972 Don't worry, Grandma. I'll make you proud of me. 466 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:03,142 I've always been proud of you, darling. 467 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,044 In my own way. 468 00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:08,581 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 469 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,096 Thanks for everything. 470 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,300 Come here. 471 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,937 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 472 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,144 Look at the bright side, Dad. 473 00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:39,679 You won't have to buy me clothes anymore. 474 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,414 They're gonna give me a dress uniform, 475 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,517 a work uniform, and even one for when I'm tired. 476 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,052 What? 477 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:48,455 Yeah, they call 'em "fatigues." 478 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,190 I don't know why they just wouldn't call 'em pajamas. 479 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,726 Oh, my son, my son. 480 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:57,196 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 481 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,420 You be a good boy, and you do what you're told, 482 00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:22,221 and promise me you'll be careful. 483 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,690 Don't worry about me. 484 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:28,295 Worry about our nation's enemies. 485 00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:34,233 I am worried. 486 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,206 * Men. * 487 00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:42,041 DRILL SERGEANT: Come on, you lazy pukes! 488 00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:44,243 Move it! Move it! Move it! 489 00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:47,013 When do we start flying the robot planes? 490 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,381 (grunting) 491 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,316 (straining): I don't know. 492 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,584 Maybe after lunch. 493 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:54,321 No, we're going on a five-mile run after lunch. 494 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:55,988 No, I'm gonna skip that. 495 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,890 I want to take a nap. 496 00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:58,925 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 497 00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,728 and TOYOTA.