1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,171
Previously on:

2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,838
I know that I said that I wanted

3
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,275
to get rid of her
and have you come back...
Oh, no!

4
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:10,778
I'm just going to have
to make it work.
No, no, no, no, no!

5
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:11,645
I'm sorry!

6
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,382
Okay, I'll figure something out.

7
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,884
If nothing else,
I am a survivor.

8
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,958
Doctor said you had
a little heart attack.

9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,495
Yeah, I remember now.

10
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,498
Zoey's moving in,
and I'm moving out.

11
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,500
(heart monitor beeping rapidly)

12
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,302
(beeping faster)

13
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,969
No...

14
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,038
No... you're not moving out.

15
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,508
I'm not?
No, you can stay
as long as you want,

16
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,243
as long as you need.

17
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:45,246
Oh, that's...
that's so good to hear.
(beeping slowing down)

18
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,648
* Men.

19
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,583
Really, you don't have
to carry my bags.

20
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,385
Alan, you had
a heart attack, okay?

21
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,553
You need to take it easy.

22
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,222
Well, I appreciate it,
but I'm fine.

23
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:57,024
Whoa, do not say that.

24
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,392
Why not?

25
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,893
Let me tell you
about my Grandma Abigail.

26
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,463
When I was a kid,
she came to move in with us.

27
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,665
And one day I said,
"How ya doing, Grandma?"

28
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:08,869
And she said, "Fine."
And then she dropped dead.

29
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,003
You're kidding.

30
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,873
No, face down in my Legos.

31
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,343
Well, that's terrible.

32
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,146
But I'm fine.
Do not say that!

33
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,813
My Uncle Hal?

34
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,049
When I was a kid, he used to
spend Thanksgivings with us,

35
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,817
and one year,
we're at dinner and...

36
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,653
you know, like football
and turkey and the whole bit,

37
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,455
and I said,
"How ya doing, Uncle Hal?"

38
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,556
And he said, "Fine."

39
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,424
And then he went
to the bathroom,

40
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,093
and he crapped out
his small intestines.

41
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:36,464
Oh, oh... okay,
t-that's horrible,

42
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,200
but I promise you,
I am fine.

43
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,834
ALL:
Surprise!

44
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:46,707
I told you not to say it!

45
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,477
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

46
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,979
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

47
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,385
* Men.

48
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,119
Somebody call 911.

49
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,554
Gotcha. (chuckles)

50
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,590
ALL:
Oh...

51
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:06,660
Alan, don't you ever
do that to me again.

52
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,429
(laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

53
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,698
So all you guys came
just to welcome me back?

54
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,933
Of course we did,
darling.
We were worried about you.

55
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,070
Yeah, I've been beside myself
with concern.

56
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,573
I don't know what to say.
I'm really touched.

57
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,275
Come here, Alan.

58
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,177
Sit down.
I made you some tea.

59
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,545
Wait, did you just
call me Alan?

60
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:25,746
Well, that's your name,
isn't it?

61
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,348
Yeah, but you always
call me Zippy.

62
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,217
I know, but I've got
a little rule.

63
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:32,620
I never make fun of someone who
could come back and haunt me.

64
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,823
Sugar or honey?

65
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,891
I thought we decided on Alan?

66
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,159
(both laugh)

67
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,828
Alan, are you
warm enough?

68
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,530
You want me
to turn up the heat?

69
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,765
I'm fine... Okay.

70
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,335
Why don't you just lay down.

71
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,970
Uh, no, really, I'm good.
I've been in bed for a week.

72
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,405
Do it for me.

73
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:52,840
Uh, okay, but let me
just point out

74
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,108
that that never works
when I say it to you.

75
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,877
(chuckles)

76
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,579
Guess what. While you were
in the hospital,

77
00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,813
I aced all my final exams.

78
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,682
Really?!
I don't believe it!

79
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,918
(sighs) I told you
he wouldn't buy it.

80
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,720
Wait, wait, wait.
You lied to me?

81
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:09,523
Uh, I told him to. I thought
the truth might kill you.

82
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,261
But there is some
real good news,
What's that?

83
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:15,095
I found out for sure
I'm not gay.

84
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:17,365
But why's that good news?

85
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,767
It's mostly good news
for gay people.

86
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,605
A-A-All right, look,
I appreciate

87
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,274
all the trouble you're taking
to welcome me home,

88
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:29,343
but if you don't mind, I'd just
like to go back to my room.

89
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,678
Oh, you heard him.

90
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,179
He wants to go to his room.
Here, Zoey.

91
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:34,014
Take the tea.

92
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:35,716
ALAN:
Walden, I can walk on my own.

93
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,352
(chuckles) That's what my
blind Aunt Shirley said.

94
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,453
And then we went to Miami

95
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,289
on Christmas vacation,

96
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,756
and then "blam!"

97
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,091
Greyhound came out of nowhere
and flattened her.

98
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,359
She got hit by a bus?

99
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,727
No, she wandered
onto the dog track

100
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,562
in the middle
of the ninth race.

101
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,499
Technically,
she came in third.

102
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,536
Anyway, I got a little
surprise for you.

103
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,771
Oh, Walden, you've already
done so much.

104
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,608
I don't know what else
you could possibly... (gasps)

105
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,044
A real bed!
Yeah.

106
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,480
It's not just a bed.
Get on it. Check it out.

107
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,649
Oh, my golly.
(laughs giddily)

108
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,784
Ah...
Oo-ho-ho-ho!

109
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,487
The bed is becoming tumescent.

110
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,188
Yeah...!

111
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,790
Pretty cool, huh?

112
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,091
See, so you don't have
to exert yourself

113
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,293
when you're getting
in and out.

114
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,261
(chuckles)
Ah! Oh,

115
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,730
and what pray tell is that?

116
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:27,635
That is a 46" high-definition
plasma screen TV,

117
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,203
complete with a deluxe sports
satellite package

118
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,673
Nice! No movies?

119
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,209
No, we could switch it
to a movie package.

120
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,512
Or you can add it.

121
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,781
Oh, okay, we'll add it.

122
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,550
And don't forget
the adult channels.

123
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,818
No problem.

124
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,253
You have to ask
for them specifically.

125
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,821
Otherwise they block them.

126
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,022
Right.

127
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,592
Hey, why don't you take
a nap until dinner?

128
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,293
I'm not tired.
(chuckles)

129
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,928
That's what my
cousin Earl said

130
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,797
right before he fell asleep
with a cigarette in his hand.

131
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,198
Set his bed on fire?

132
00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,901
No, his fireworks stand.

133
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,070
I was standing across the street
yelling at him to wake up

134
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:08,208
when the first rocket went off,
followed by 800 Roman candles.

135
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:12,446
It was horrifying and really
cool at the same time.

136
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,482
Okay, I'll take a nap.

137
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,616
Good, good, good,
you just...

138
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:16,717
I don't want you
to do anything.

139
00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:17,785
Just relax
and get better.

140
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,186
That's a nice thought, Walden,

141
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,187
but I got a lot of work to do.

142
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:20,988
I got bills to pay.

143
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,255
No, don't worry about the bills.

144
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,757
I'll take care of everything.

145
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,325
Walden, I can't let you
just take care of everything.

146
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:27,861
Listen, I made a promise to
myself when I was 11 years old

147
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,163
and salmonella decimated
my father's entire side

148
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,600
of the family
at the annual Easter egg hunt.

149
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,868
Nobody else dies on my watch.

150
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:41,709
Poor guy,
living with all that guilt.

151
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,345
I can exploit that.

152
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:46,980
* Men.

153
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,482
How come you're not coming over?

154
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,050
I can't. I have Ava.

155
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,485
Why don't you come over here?

156
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,286
I can't. I have Alan.

157
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,988
Oh, for God's sake.

158
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,124
Well, he had
a heart attack, Zoey.

159
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,025
Oh, bollocks.

160
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,927
He's going to outlive us all.

161
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:02,896
A week after nuclear Armageddon,
the world will be populated

162
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:06,133
by nothing but cockroaches
and Alan Harper.

163
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,870
Wow, that is a side of you
that is not attractive.

164
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,371
It's the lawyer side of me.

165
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,073
Yeah, yuck.

166
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,076
Look, I see these kind
of scam artists all the time

167
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,679
and I don't want
you being taken advantage of.

168
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,581
I am just taking care
of my friend.

169
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:25,052
No, you are providing food,
shelter, and satellite TV

170
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,687
to a cockroach.

171
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,989
ALAN:
Hello, anybody?

172
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,659
Getting kind of hungry
in here.

173
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,294
(chuckles)
Uh, B-Berta, Alan's hungry.

174
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,563
Is his dinner ready yet?

175
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,130
BERTA:
Coming up.

176
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:38,766
Really?

177
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,200
He gets room service?

178
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,269
Did I ever tell you
about my Aunt Phyllis?

179
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:43,504
(sighs)

180
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,206
When I was a kid she took me
on a trip to New York,

181
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,841
and we were staying
at the Waldorf-Astoria,

182
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,577
and she didn't want
to wait for room service,

183
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,111
so she headed down
to the restaurant

184
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:55,883
and she fell 24 stories
down an empty elevator shaft.

185
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,987
We never got to see Cats.

186
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:03,190
So you're afraid Alan is going
to fall into an elevator shaft?

187
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,760
Don't poke at it, Zoey.
The wound is still fresh.

188
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,733
(knocking)

189
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,001
Come in.

190
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,205
Did my little buddy save
room for dessert?

191
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,907
I sure did, Skipper.

192
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,542
Good, 'cause I made
your favorite.

193
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:22,843
Peach cobbler?
Yep.

194
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:23,877
Warm with ice cream?

195
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,246
I'll be right back.

196
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:27,781
I'm not going anywhere.

197
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,116
(chuckles)

198
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:34,187
Okay, let's see
what's on those adult channels.

199
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,523
Avatart.

200
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:38,358
Oh, in 3D.

201
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:39,893
(music playing over television,
knocking on door)

202
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:40,894
Oh, to be continued.

203
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,095
(music stops)

204
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,163
Come in.

205
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:45,833
Hey, you.

206
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,235
Judith, what a,
what a nice surprise.

207
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,503
How are you feeling?

208
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,772
Not bad, all things considered.

209
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,173
Oh, you're so brave.

210
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,809
Now, listen, there's something
we need to talk about.

211
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,878
Look, I know the child support
checks are late,

212
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,380
but, but please allow me
to get back to my job.

213
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,616
(shushing)

214
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,118
(à la Scooby-Doo):
Er?

215
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,354
Forget the
child support.

216
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,389
Er?

217
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,691
You just get better.

218
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,560
I can manage fine
without your money.

219
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,861
All right.

220
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,029
I always suspected as much,
but thank you.

221
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,198
And Herb and I have the
condo in Palm Springs,

222
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:19,767
so you're certainly
welcome to use it

223
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,268
while you're
recuperating.

224
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,070
How can you afford
a condo in Palm Springs?

225
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,238
We made a judgment call
with Jake's college fund.

226
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,776
Anyway, you're
welcome to use it.

227
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,911
Wow, thank you,
th-that's very generous.

228
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:34,582
Well, look, I know we've
obviously had our differences.

229
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,183
We have.

230
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,619
And I haven't always
been very nice to you.

231
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,254
I just figured
you didn't like me.

232
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,056
Alan, we were married
for 12 years.

233
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,457
You're the father
of my son.

234
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,926
Just because I couldn't
stay married to you

235
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,728
doesn't mean I
stopped loving you.

236
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,063
Gee, it sure felt
that way.

237
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,932
Oh, I'm sorry
for that.

238
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,668
You just get
well, okay?

239
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,403
Okay.

240
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,144
A house in Malibu,
no child support,

241
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,647
free condo in Palm Springs.

242
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,950
Why would anyone want
to eliminate heart disease?

243
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,954
(music playing over television)

244
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,956
Don't worry,
you lovely blue ladies,

245
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,457
as soon
as my right hand is free,

246
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:20,794
I'll be giving you
my full attention.

247
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,229
(knocking)

248
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,230
Rats.

249
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,431
Uh...

250
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,133
(music stops)

251
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,367
Come in.

252
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,337
How's my man?

253
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,706
Oh, you know, okay

254
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:36,343
for a guy who recently stared
into the jaws of death.

255
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,377
That's why I'm here.

256
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,079
I want to help
with your recovery.

257
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,714
Really, what'd
you have in mind?

258
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:41,882
I-I'm not supposed
to exert myself.

259
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,183
(chuckles)

260
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,853
Don't worry, you don't have
to do a thing.

261
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,622
Just lie back
and I'll do all the work.

262
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:49,556
Really?

263
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:50,791
Hmm.
Okay.

264
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,125
Uh, let me put
my cobbler down.

265
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,327
No, no, no,
keep it.

266
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:55,295
You sure?

267
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,130
Absolutely.

268
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,599
It'd be rude for
me to eat alone.

269
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,872
All righty then.

270
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,907
(both chuckle)

271
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,142
You got any porn
on this thing?

272
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,411
Uh, gee, I,
I don't know.

273
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,681
(chuckles)

274
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,115
Why don't you check?

275
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,516
Shake things up a bit.

276
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,752
Oh, gosh,
well, I, yeah,

277
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,888
I guess I, I guess I,
I-I could do that.

278
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,990
(music playing over television)

279
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:26,694
Oh, look,
there's some now.

280
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,528
How fortuitous.

281
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:33,333
Now, just relax and
enjoy your cobbler.

282
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,368
Right back at you.

283
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,139
(laughing)

284
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,910
This is the best day
of my entire life.

285
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,783
* Men.

286
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,584
(knocking)

287
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,421
All right, Mr. Harper.

288
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,227
Well, I've got
some good news.

289
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,361
Let me have it.

290
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:04,064
I'm banging my receptionist.

291
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:06,800
I'm sorry.

292
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,369
I... I never get tired
of that one.

293
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,805
That-that's funny,
but, uh, what about me?

294
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,473
No, you don't have
a chance with her.

295
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,543
She likes rich guys.

296
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,447
All right,
back to your, uh, heart.

297
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,949
It's looking good.

298
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,383
Uh, are you sure?

299
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,452
Tests show you've had no damage.

300
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,054
Your cholesterol looks normal.

301
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,156
It's like the heart attack
never even happened.

302
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,557
Oh.

303
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:34,027
And you're not happy about that?

304
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,295
No, I-I am.

305
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,265
Um, uh, is this confidential,
what we're saying?

306
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,067
Think of me as a priest.

307
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:43,636
Except, when I touch your nuts,
it's strictly business.

308
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,574
Okay, uh... uh, uh, here it is.

309
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,877
Um, ever since the heart attack,

310
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,612
uh, my life
has actually gotten better.

311
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,081
Uh, my girlfriend,
my ex-wife,

312
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,783
even my mother
have all been showering me

313
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,117
with love and attention.

314
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,919
Well, they were afraid
they were losing you.

315
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,789
Have you ever had oral sex
and peach cobbler?

316
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,058
At the same time?

317
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,262
Can't say that I have.

318
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,697
Well, I have.

319
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,299
And once my girlfriend
finds out that I'm healthy,

320
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:16,136
I'm back to sucking Life Savers
and humping my pillow.

321
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:19,672
Well, as your doctor,
all I can tell you

322
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,174
is you're
perfectly healthy.

323
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,409
Can I get a second opinion?

324
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,144
Yes, you're ugly, too.

325
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,415
I joke.

326
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,018
Uh, again, as your doctor,

327
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,987
I have to tell you
you're in great shape.

328
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,823
But, uh...

329
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,591
as a guy who's banging
his receptionist,

330
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,627
two pharmaceutical reps

331
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:44,564
and, uh, on occasion,
his bloated, rich wife,

332
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:46,599
let me add:

333
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,335
Don't be a schmuck.

334
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:51,438
Lie your ass off.

335
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,273
Thanks, Doc.
That's good advice.

336
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,542
(chuckles)

337
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,112
Hmm.

338
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,884
Jeanine, hi.

339
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,419
Uh, listen, could you
run down to the deli

340
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,655
and pick up a peach cobbler

341
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:11,524
and meet me in exam room 2.

342
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,000
How'd it go?

343
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:20,868
Good news?

344
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,203
It's bad, Mom.
(gasps)

345
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,704
It's real bad.
Oh.

346
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:27,774
Darling, I am so sorry.

347
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:30,410
Hey, I know what
would cheer you up.

348
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,712
So do I.

349
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,148
No, I was thinking
I could take you shopping.

350
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,116
Come on, now.

351
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,885
There must be something
I can get you

352
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,652
that would turn
that frown upside down.

353
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,955
Well, uh, remember
when I was a kid

354
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:45,125
how I always wanted
to be a cowboy?

355
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,260
I'm not going to buy you
a horse, Alan.

356
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,695
Of course not.

357
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:52,032
Guess I'll just have to be
a cowboy in Heaven.

358
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,270
WALDEN:
Are your eyes closed?

359
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,572
Yep, they're closed.

360
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,781
Open.

361
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,455
You must be kidding me.

362
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,858
It's the safest way for Alan
to get up and down the stairs.

363
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:21,461
Why does he have to get
up and down the stairs?

364
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,031
So he can use my whirlpool tub.

365
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,365
Oh, dear Lord.

366
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,934
He needs it for his circulation.

367
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,902
He said he's starting
to get bed sores.

368
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,238
Then you tell him
to get out of bed.

369
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:34,841
You don't build him
his own private escalator.

370
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,384
Howdy, pardner.

371
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,122
Ma'am.

372
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,290
Wow.

373
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:51,558
You look great.

374
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,393
Just checking it
off my bucket list.

375
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,228
What'd the doctor say?

376
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,330
It's not good.

377
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,866
I might have to have
a transplant.

378
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,336
I'm sorry.

379
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,105
Let's just hope that somewhere

380
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,773
there's a baboon
with a healthy heart

381
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,908
riding a motorcycle
without a helmet.

382
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,779
For God's sake.

383
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,581
Excuse me.
I'm going to take a whirlpool

384
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,316
until my masseuse gets here.

385
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,518
You got him a masseuse?

386
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,088
It helps prevent blood clots.

387
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,856
Yeah.

388
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,997
My Uncle Fred
had a blood clot in his leg,

389
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:31,564
and when I was little,
he took me

390
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:34,001
to the Santa Monica Pier,
and we went on the Tilt-A-Whirl,

391
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:37,437
and the centrifugal force
shot the clot into his brain.

392
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,873
It was the worst birthday ever.

393
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:44,111
He's seen a lot
of tragedy, Zoey.

394
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,046
Be nice to him.

395
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,388
Mmm.

396
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,157
Too hard?

397
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,692
Nah, dig in.
I like it rough.

398
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,295
Brought your
banana smoothie.

399
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,630
Oh, thank you, Zoey.

400
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,098
Um, would you mind

401
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:07,767
sticking the straw
in my donut hole?

402
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,737
Oh, I would love to.

403
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,505
Mmm.

404
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,075
Tasty. (chuckles)

405
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,481
I want you to listen
to me very carefully.

406
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:24,151
You may have everyone
else around here fooled,

407
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,520
but I know you're
full of crap.

408
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:28,888
Beg pardon?

409
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,190
What you do with
your family

410
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:31,891
and your girlfriend
is your business,

411
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,694
but I want you to stop
taking advantage of Walden.

412
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,296
I-I don't know
what you're talking about.

413
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,065
You know exactly what
I'm talking about.

414
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,932
I-I'm sorry. I really
don't know what you're...

415
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,335
You've been warned.

416
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,774
Well, thanks for the...
the smoothie, Zoey.

417
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,242
(door closes)

418
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,910
(chuckling)

419
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,180
That bitch has got to go.

420
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,553
How about that?

421
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,090
Stars really are just like us.

422
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,093
WALDEN:
Alan.
Oh!

423
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,528
Oh, my.

424
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,796
(laughs) Careful.

425
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,898
You don't want
to give me a heart attack.

426
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,433
We need to talk to you.

427
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,302
Oh, yeah, sure.

428
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,372
I'll be right back.

429
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,442
Um, think I left
the tub running, so...

430
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,111
Stop.

431
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:28,515
Now, get out of that chair
and get down here.

432
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,717
Okay.

433
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,353
The queen has spoken.

434
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,422
(grunts)

435
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,928
My legs are still
a little al dente.

436
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,598
So... (chuckles)

437
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,467
what up?

438
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,171
I'll tell you "what up."

439
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,906
I asked one of the private
investigators for my law firm

440
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,176
to follow you for a few days.

441
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,877
Really?

442
00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,680
Uh, uh, wh-which days
in particular?

443
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:01,714
Well,

444
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,783
this is from last Monday,

445
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:04,984
when you said you were going

446
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:06,886
for a therapeutic walk
on the beach.

447
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,426
(cheering and clapping)

448
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,436
(cheering and whooping)

449
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,442
(whooping)

450
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:38,918
Okay. Okay.

451
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,253
Yeah, yeah, you know...

452
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,622
(stammering):
I can see

453
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,291
how this looks,

454
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,692
um,

455
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,660
but, you know, actually,

456
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,462
there is a-a-a very...

457
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,932
a very simple, uh,
uh, explanation.

458
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,573
(grunts)

459
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,811
Okay.

460
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,679
Well...

461
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,415
we got cobbler
in the kitchen.

462
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,150
(all chatting)

463
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,560
911?

464
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:21,961
Anybody?

465
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,930
* Men.

466
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,968
(music playing over TV)

467
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,040
(TV shuts off)

468
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,558
How long do you plan
on lying there?

469
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,527
Until the shame passes.

470
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,529
So a while?

471
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,030
Oh, yeah.

472
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,932
All right.

473
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,402
Well...

474
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,136
sleep well.

475
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,506
Thanks. You, too.

476
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,445
* Memories

477
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:17,917
* Light the corners of my mind

478
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,321
* Misty watercolored memories
of the way we were... *

479
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:25,525
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

480
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:29,329
and TOYOTA.

481
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:33,800
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org