1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:02,970
Previously on:

2
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,305
It's spring break this week,

3
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,474
So Zoey and her daughter
are going to stay here.

4
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:09,077
I'm going to need you
to move out for the week.
(grunts)

5
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:11,179
Where you staying?
I'm just going to have
to stay with Lindsey.

6
00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,681
There's someone
in the house. Go look.

7
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:17,718
Ow!
What?!

8
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,253
I'm sorry!

9
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,822
No, no, don't touch it!

10
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,292
I'm bored.

11
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,727
*

12
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,901
I can't do this, Berta.
It's just too much.

13
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,569
She just never stops.

14
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:38,339
So, how are things going living
with Zoey and her daughter?

15
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:39,807
It's good. It's good.

16
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:40,941
Oh.

17
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:42,510
How's living with Lyndsey?

18
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:45,113
Oh, it's terrific.
That's great.

19
00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:48,316
So, if I could
get rid of them...
Yes, 100 times yes.

20
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:53,187
Men...

21
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,688
Okay.

22
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,058
Zoey...

23
00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,960
you know I love you, and...

24
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:02,463
I want to live with you forever.

25
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,332
But we got to lose the kid.

26
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,737
Yeah, probably not.
(clears throat) Okay.

27
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:12,973
Hey, have you ever thought
of Swiss boarding schools?

28
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,144
Hi!
Sh...

29
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,645
She's out like a light.

30
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:21,749
Really? How?
Did you drug her?

31
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:24,852
I didn't think
we were allowed to drug her.

32
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,321
She's worn out
from playing with you all day.

33
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,357
She's not the only one.

34
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:33,093
(stammering)
Listen...

35
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,295
I've been thinking about this

36
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,731
whole "moving in together"
thing.

37
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,901
It's all right.
I admit, I had my doubts.

38
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:44,004
But you have been
so wonderful with her.

39
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,673
Thank you.

40
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,309
This little girl
loves you so much.

41
00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:49,643
Really...

42
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,679
You're all she talks about.

43
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:54,282
The sun rises and sets with you.

44
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,784
Huh...

45
00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,987
Look at what she made for you.

46
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,294
Wow...

47
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,062
So, you win.
We're all yours.

48
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,398
I mean,

49
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,632
there's a million details
to figure out

50
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,066
before we can move in
permanently.

51
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,336
First and foremost, where she's
going to go to school.

52
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:17,838
Have you ever considered
Switzerland?

53
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,807
(laughs)
You're kidding, right?

54
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,843
I'm ki.. of course!
(chuckles)

55
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,946
Why would I want her
so far away?

56
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:29,217
Let me put her up to bed.
Then we can start making plans.

57
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,451
Great.

58
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:31,885
Mommy?
Hmm?

59
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,020
Where's Walden?

60
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,422
Oh, I'm right here.

61
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,857
I love you, Walden.

62
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,093
I love you...

63
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,562
(chuckles)

64
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,669
Just like I planned it.

65
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:51,038
(knocking)

66
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,343
Hey, roomie!

67
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,044
You got here quick.

68
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:59,146
Yeah, Lyndsey asked me
to fix the garbage disposal

69
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,882
and I didn't like the odds.

70
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,917
So, uh, did you talk
to Zoey yet?

71
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,085
Yes, I did.

72
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,053
How'd she take it?

73
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,555
Well, I... yeah, let's...

74
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,490
Did she cry?

75
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,158
No...
Yelling?

76
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,760
No. There was no yelling.

77
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:16,196
Yeah, I know that I said
that I wanted to get rid of her

78
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,865
and have you come back...

79
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,233
Oh, no!

80
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,235
You know, I, I love her.

81
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,603
Oh, no!

82
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,405
And I, I love the kid.

83
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:25,606
No!

84
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,341
I'm just going
to have to make it work.

85
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,209
No, no, no, no, no, no!

86
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,712
Alan, I'm sorry.

87
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,317
Okay, okay, I'll...
I'll figure something out.

88
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:39,487
If nothing else,
I am a survivor.

89
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,860
(snorting)

90
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,229
Okay, very funny.
Survivor, I get it.

91
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,098
(panting)

92
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:54,468
Oh, come on!
I feel bad enough already.

93
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,169
Help me...

94
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,305
911!

95
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,706
Oh, okay. I'll play along.

96
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,442
Here, would 100 dollars

97
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:03,677
make you better?

98
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,245
You're not kidding?
(panting)

99
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,580
Not kidding...

100
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,215
Don't die.

101
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:23,063
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

102
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,866
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

103
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,974
I want him to have
the best possible care.

104
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:36,243
So, whatever it takes,
I'll pay for it.

105
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:37,778
(chuckles)
You're going to have to.

106
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:41,281
The man's got the worst
insurance policy I've ever seen.

107
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:44,985
What do you mean?
He's got a
$500,000 deductable.

108
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,321
A $500,000 deductable?

109
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,956
Even at our prices,
he ain't gonna

110
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,358
hit that with
one heart attack.

111
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:53,193
All right, well, I'll just...
I'll take care of it.

112
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,763
Just check the box
"Domestic Partner."

113
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:59,199
Oh, no, we're just buddies.

114
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,435
We got no buddy forms.

115
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,638
Yeah, but...
Just check the damn box.

116
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:13,647
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

117
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:17,250
I guess there's nothing
to do now but wait.

118
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,387
Forgive me
for being callous,

119
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:22,122
but don't you think this heart
attack is a bit convenient?

120
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,191
What?
Come on.

121
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,494
He tries to weasel his way
back into the house.

122
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,695
You tell him no

123
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,863
and he falls to the ground,
clutching his chest.

124
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,065
You think he faked
a heart attack?

125
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:35,002
I think he'd fake
a shark attack.

126
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,837
How do you fake
a shark attack?

127
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:39,840
I don't know. Ask Alan.

128
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,709
Harper?

129
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,411
Yeah, right here.

130
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,113
Okay, well, your boyfriend's
going to be fine.

131
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,748
(sighs) That's great.

132
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:48,982
Uh, he's not my...

133
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:51,284
It's great.

134
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,020
It was the form.
It was just easier.

135
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,657
Um, did he actually
have a heart attack?

136
00:05:56,724 --> 00:06:00,260
It was a mild one,
but yes.
Told you.

137
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:02,195
He should be fine.
He's just going to need rest

138
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,597
and as little stress
as possible.

139
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,098
For how long?

140
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,034
I don't know,
at least a month or two.

141
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,002
Great...

142
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,572
That's why we gave up women.
Am I right?

143
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,575
It's a compelling argument.

144
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,517
Hi.

145
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,853
Hi, Walden.

146
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,588
How ya feelin'?

147
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,890
Fan-tastic.

148
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,460
I'm on a morphine drip.

149
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:38,466
Everyone should have
a morphine drip.

150
00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:41,635
There would be no more war.

151
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:44,104
Listen, the doctor said

152
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,274
that you... had
a little heart attack,

153
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,709
but you're going to be fine.

154
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:51,244
(heart monitor beeping steadily)
Oh, yeah.

155
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,213
Yeah, I remember now.

156
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,649
Zoey's moving in and...

157
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,951
I'm... I'm moving out.

158
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,053
(heart monitor beeping faster)

159
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,023
No, you're not moving out.

160
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,625
I'm-I'm not?

161
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:08,095
No, you can stay as long as you
want. As long as you need.

162
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,396
Oh.

163
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:12,500
(heart monitor beeping slowing)

164
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,569
Oh, that's...
that's so good to hear.

165
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,838
Thataboy.

166
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:21,542
I just... I just want you
to not worry about anything.

167
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:22,576
I won't.

168
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,144
Okay.

169
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,113
You just relax
and feel better, okay?

170
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,181
Okeydokey.

171
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,720
Hey, Walden. Guess what?

172
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:33,821
What?

173
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:37,691
I'm peeing right now.

174
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,126
No kidding.

175
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,128
But it's okay.

176
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:45,666
There's a tube
attached to my wiener.

177
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,772
I don't think there is.

178
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,377
Oh...

179
00:07:58,546 --> 00:07:59,947
Men...

180
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,883
EVELYN: My God.
He's going to be okay?
WALDEN: Yeah.

181
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,384
He just needs
to take it easy.

182
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,286
(sighs)
I don't know
what I would do

183
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,888
if anything
happened to him.

184
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,157
(Evelyn sniffles)

185
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,425
I've already lost my good son!

186
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,198
Do you happen to know
if they validate parking?

187
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,336
JAKE:
So, are those tubes
putting stuff in

188
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,605
or taking stuff out?

189
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,774
I think
a little bit of both.

190
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,075
Oh, I get it.

191
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:31,178
It's like eating
on the toilet.

192
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,713
(whispering):
So, what did the doctor say?

193
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,082
Uh, he just said
he needs to take it easy.

194
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,483
You know, no stress.

195
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:37,751
JAKE:
Then I guess
we shouldn't tell him

196
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,386
about what happened
at school.

197
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,722
JUDITH:
No, we definitely
should not.

198
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:44,692
Honest to God, someone
put that pot in my locker.

199
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,728
Why would they do that?

200
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:51,464
That, my friend,
is the million-dollar question.

201
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,003
Look, Lyndsey,

202
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,504
I know you're his girlfriend,

203
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,573
and I know you'd like
to take care of him, but...

204
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,909
I kind of feel
responsible for this.

205
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,978
And I'd like him to stay
with me until he recovers.

206
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,214
Fine. Let's go
get some coffee.

207
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:13,587
Men...

208
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,823
WOMAN:
Wake up, Alan.

209
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,358
(chuckling moan)

210
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:22,562
Is it spongebath time again?

211
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,665
You wish.

212
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,972
What's going on?

213
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:33,106
Who are you?

214
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,508
Ah, Alan, that hurts.

215
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,911
Don't you recognize
your own brother?

216
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,921
Men...

217
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,857
What is this,
some kind of sick joke?

218
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,458
Charlie's dead.

219
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:54,795
You're dubious. Understandable.

220
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,463
When you were 14 years old,

221
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,331
you went to your first
boy/girl party,

222
00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,733
and you were really nervous

223
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,068
because they were going to play
spin the bottle.

224
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,035
Yeah?

225
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,270
So, before you left the house,

226
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,739
I convinced you that
the grownup way to French-kiss

227
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,908
was to spit in the
other person's mouth.

228
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:12,412
You hocked a big loogie
down Marcy Bilson's throat

229
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:14,147
and she'd kicked you
in the nuts.

230
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,450
Ah, come on, everybody in
high school knew that story.

231
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,252
Answer me this:

232
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:22,222
What are your five favorite
words to hear from a woman?

233
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:26,426
"I can't spend the night."

234
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,361
(whispers)
Charlie...

235
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,630
At your service.

236
00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:32,800
I don't...
I don't understand.

237
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,335
Are you reincarnated
or something?

238
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:37,504
Nah, I'm in hell.

239
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,175
Walking around
in this old broad's body

240
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:45,612
is supposed to be some kind
of eternal damnation.

241
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:47,647
You know what?

242
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,449
The joke's on them.

243
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,985
Boobs are still boobs.

244
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,923
So, why are you here?

245
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,624
I thought you could use
a little help.

246
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,059
I have been through
a rough patch.

247
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,762
You look like you've been
through a propeller.

248
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,132
I came here to tell you
it's not too late

249
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,133
to turn your life around.

250
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,000
How?

251
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,601
Stop being a parasite.

252
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:12,072
Step up. Be a man.
Grow a pair.

253
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:15,642
Uh, parenthetically,
this body actually has a pair.

254
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:19,246
They dangle
right under my hooha.

255
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,952
Did not need to know that.

256
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,788
Point being, you lived on me
for eight years

257
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,622
and now you're
living off this new guy.

258
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,591
Now, now, hang on.
W-Walden's my friend.

259
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,360
He invited me
to stay with him.

260
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:36,196
Oh, kiss my
surprisingly tight ass.

261
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,531
You're nobody's friend.

262
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,501
You're a useless appendage,
like tonsils,

263
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:44,805
or the nutsack
under my hooha.

264
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:48,408
I see hell hasn't
mellowed you out any.

265
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:49,943
Listen to me,
you got to get out

266
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,512
of that guy's house
and make a life for yourself.

267
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,281
I suppose I could go
live with Lyndsey.

268
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:55,849
You're missing my point.

269
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,885
I'm not suggesting
that the tapeworm

270
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,520
find a new colon
to crawl into.

271
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,123
Hold out your hand.

272
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,860
Thank you.

273
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,863
This is your last chance, Alan.

274
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,865
Move out of that house.
Get your own place.

275
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,600
Start pulling your own weight
in the world.

276
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,368
Okay. I will.

277
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,270
You'll see.
I can change.

278
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,671
Good.

279
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,307
Then my work here is done.

280
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,209
Well, thanks, Charlie.

281
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:23,610
You got it.

282
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:27,214
Oh, uh, (chuckles)

283
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,082
Before I go...

284
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,851
(unzipping):
...you gotta check this out.

285
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,419
Oh!

286
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,087
Oh!

287
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:35,555
Was I lying?

288
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:38,025
Tell me that's not disturbing.

289
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,667
Men...

290
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,202
What do you want me
to do, Zoey?

291
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,839
The last time I asked him
to leave, he almost died.

292
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,273
Well, what does that mean?

293
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,242
He lives with you
until he actually does die?

294
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,878
No, just until he
gets back on his feet.

295
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,913
The man has no feet.

296
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,049
He is a footless man.

297
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,416
Okay, come on.

298
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,253
What about his mother?
Why doesn't he live with her?

299
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,487
They don't really get along.

300
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:08,922
What about his girlfriend?

301
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,224
They don't really get along.

302
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,559
Oh, God.

303
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,194
So we're stuck with him forever.

304
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:18,465
The man is the herpes
of houseguests.

305
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:19,867
(doorbell rings)

306
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,468
Come on.
That is not fair.

307
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:22,802
You're right.

308
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,938
Herpes sometimes disappears
for a while.

309
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,941
Surprise!

310
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:28,942
Alan.

311
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,777
Herpes.

312
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,079
What? They let you out?

313
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,947
Oh, no, no.
I checked myself out.

314
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,949
I didn't want you to have
to pay one more penny for me.

315
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:36,816
Oh, come on.

316
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:37,951
The money is not important.

317
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,419
What's important
is your health.

318
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,454
No, what's important
is that I stop being a parasite

319
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,655
and stand on my own two feet.

320
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,357
ZOEY:
You have no feet.

321
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:47,194
What was that?

322
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,295
It's Zoey.

323
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,063
I'll be right there, honey.

324
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:53,200
I'm just going to grab my stuff,
and I'll get out of your hair.

325
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,401
Are you sure?

326
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,803
I am positive, Walden.
I-I have had an epiphany.

327
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:59,039
I need to make a big change
in my life.

328
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,707
Wow.

329
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:01,909
Where will you go?

330
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,710
Oh, I found a cute little place
online.

331
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,078
Uh, you know, it's not much,

332
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,314
but, uh, at least
I'll have my pride.

333
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,715
I don't know, Alan.

334
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:12,119
Let the man have his pride!

335
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:15,855
Uh, here's my address
for mailing stuff.

336
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,658
If this is what you want...

337
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:19,626
It's what I want.

338
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,194
It's what everybody wants!

339
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:24,464
Don't listen to her.

340
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,699
Oh, no, no.
She's right.

341
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,736
She's an angry,
cold-hearted tea bag!

342
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:32,472
But she's right.

343
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,741
What did he say?

344
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,144
He said that you were right.

345
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:40,948
Men...

346
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:43,650
No, Jake.

347
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,952
If I'm not living
at the beach house,

348
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,419
you're not living
at the beach house.

349
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,322
Yeah, well, sometimes
life just isn't fair.

350
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,592
Well, sure you can visit me
where I'm living now.

351
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,861
But, uh, you're not going
to have your own room

352
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,896
or your own bed
or your own bathroom

353
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,732
and... you might need
to have a tetanus shot.

354
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,371
But I'd love to have you.

355
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,506
Okay, you let me know.

356
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,309
Okay, good night.

357
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:15,015
All right.

358
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,250
It's not much, but...

359
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,351
it's mine.

360
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,922
I am self-sufficient.

361
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:28,195
And beholden to no one.

362
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,702
(caws)

363
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,705
Oh, that's not a good sign.

364
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,608
(cawing)

365
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,376
Men...

366
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,845
ZOEY:
It's odd...

367
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,547
But now that
Alan's finally gone,

368
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,316
I actually kind of miss him.

369
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,550
Yeah, me too.

370
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,085
Walden, I'm kidding.

371
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:54,687
Oh, yeah, me too.

372
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,223
(chuckles)

373
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,060
So...

374
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,095
Now that we have the house
to ourselves,

375
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,463
what would you like to do?

376
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,432
What I would like to do

377
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,367
is you.

378
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,570
And where I would like to do it,

379
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,605
is on every flat surface

380
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,841
in every room of this house.

381
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,743
Mm.
Mm.

382
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,445
Woo. Hey.

383
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,847
Oh. Jake.

384
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:21,781
This is my friend, Gabby.

385
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:24,517
Hi!
(giggles)

386
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,686
We're going to go hang out
in my room.

387
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,388
Uh, Jake, uh,

388
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:29,856
hold on.

389
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,092
Have you spoken
to your father lately?

390
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,827
No, I don't believe I have.

391
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,731
Look at the bright side.

392
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,133
What bright side?

393
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,303
He might share some
of his pot with us.

394
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,207
Men...

395
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:53,146
CHARLIE:
Wake up, buttercup.

396
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,550
Oh. Hey, Charlie.

397
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:02,089
So, what do you think?

398
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,291
I finally got my own place.

399
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,025
Fantastic.

400
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,528
You're not sponging off
that rat, are you?

401
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,030
There's a rat?

402
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,365
Nah, I'm just kiddin'.

403
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,834
He's dead.

404
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:18,438
But aren't you proud of me?
I mean, I did what you said.

405
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,440
I'm standing
on my own two feet.

406
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,376
Yeah. (chuckles)

407
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:24,844
Sucker.

408
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,081
What?

409
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,083
I had to come back
from hell to do it,

410
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:33,420
but I finally gotcha
out of my freakin' house!

411
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,524
But I-I-I thought you wanted me
to be a better person.

412
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,326
Nope.

413
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,661
What? So you were just
screwing with me?

414
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,396
Yep.

415
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:45,031
Why?

416
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:49,469
I'm in hell, Alan.
That's kind of what we do.

417
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,070
Whoa!

418
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,540
What a horrible dream.

419
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:56,543
What's so horrible about it?

420
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:57,644
(gasps)

421
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,412
(sighs)

422
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,048
Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

423
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:04,484
Still here.

424
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,653
(snorts)

425
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,422
I can do this aaalll night.

426
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,562
Men...

427
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,233
(sighs)
Okay.

428
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:25,104
How do we sell this?
Uh...

429
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:30,743
911...

430
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,512
911!

431
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:35,848
Come on. You can
do better than that. Uh...

432
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,317
Ah...

433
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:38,485
(gasps)

434
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,723
(panting):
Help me.

435
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,924
Call 911.

436
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,058
(grunting)

437
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,595
Am I dying
or taking a dump?

438
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,266
Ah.

439
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,471
Call 911...
Call 911...

440
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,072
Yeah, that's it. Okay.

441
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,476
Showtime.

442
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,611
(knocking)

443
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,080
Alan...

444
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,749
Don't, don't worry.
I'm not moving back in.

445
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,251
I just forgot a few things.

446
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,585
Yeah, like your son?

447
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,754
Wait. Jake's here?

448
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,155
Yeah, and his girlfriend.

449
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,425
Ah, (scoffs) you know,
damn that kid.

450
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,728
I told him I was moving out and
he was not to come back here.

451
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,030
But does he listen to me? No.

452
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:27,166
You know, no one ever
listens to me and I...

453
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:31,404
Call 911.

454
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,139
Call 911.
Oh, no, not again.

455
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:34,707
Hold on.
I'll get help.

456
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,545
Son of a bitch.

457
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:43,015
What's the matter?
Couldn't find a shark?

458
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:50,156
Men...

459
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,591
So, what do you think, Doc?

460
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,526
We won't know until
we get all the tests back,

461
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:55,795
but right now, his heart
appears to be perfectly fine.

462
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,397
WALDEN (sighs):
Thank God.

463
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,766
So how long before
I can take him home?
ZOEY: Walden?

464
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:02,235
I am sorry, Zoey,
but I am not going to have

465
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,571
this man's death
on my conscience.

466
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,144
I'd like to thank the Academy.

467
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,017
There are no small parts...

468
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:20,052
only small apartments.

469
00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:30,830
I don't think you're allowed
to smoke in here.

470
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:34,166
Does that include the joint
you just blew in the bathroom?

471
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,269
How'd you know about that?

472
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,538
Call it women's intuition,
taterhead.

473
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:41,173
Whoa, the only person
that ever called me "taterhead"

474
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,442
was my uncle Charlie.

475
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,578
So, what does that
tell ya?

476
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,448
I have no idea.

477
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:52,151
Screw it.
I'm going back to hell.

478
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,423
Ready, ladies?

479
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:57,924
You bet.
We are.

480
00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:01,260
Then let's go.

481
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:03,563
And me with with just a nutsack.

482
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,732
Captioning sponsored by
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483
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:08,635
Captioned by
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