1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:02,736 * Men. 2 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,238 Walden, are you almost ready? 3 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:07,741 WALDEN: Almost. (sighs) 4 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:11,212 How is it possible that I am always ready before you are? 5 00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:12,780 Hey, it takes a lot of work 6 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,483 to make it look like I don't care how I look. 7 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,485 Please, let's go. I'm starving. 8 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,720 Just give me a minute. I'm having a bad beard day. 9 00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:22,223 Is there such a thing as a good beard day? 10 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,891 Absolutely. 11 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,160 Usually I wake up, and it's all soft and fluffy, 12 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:27,661 but I must have slept on it wrong, 13 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,030 'cause this side's, like, flat and listless. 14 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,233 Oh, if it's causing you such problems, 15 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,235 why don't you just shave it off? 16 00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:36,036 I thought you loved my beard. 17 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,905 No, I never said that. 18 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:42,110 Then why'd you go out with me in the first place? 19 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:44,912 I don't judge a person by what's on the surface. 20 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:48,349 Yeah, but yet you're asking me to shave my surface. 21 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:49,783 Yes, please. 22 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,719 Wow. 23 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,521 I mean, is there anything else 24 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,457 about me that's not working for you? 25 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:58,626 As long as you ask, 26 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:02,863 I'm not crazy about the Jennifer Aniston hairdo. 27 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,538 Okay. This is... 28 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,740 I'm-I'm... I'm a little... I'm a little confused here. 29 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,875 I thought you liked the way I looked. 30 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,277 Oh, I do. I do. 31 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:19,680 I just think I'd like it better if the ratio of hair to face 32 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:22,616 was more on the face side of things. 33 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,153 Well, I will definitely give it some thought. 34 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:28,689 Oh. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. 35 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,559 Although, to be fair, I did remove some hair for you. 36 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,528 After I almost choked to death. 37 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:41,635 Okay, just need to post a profile picture, 38 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:45,005 and let the dating begin. 39 00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,776 (computer beeping) 40 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,011 (click) 41 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,048 Whoa. 42 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,551 To Catch a Predator. 43 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,456 (beeping) 44 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,724 (click) 45 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,163 Hello, sailor! 46 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,235 (beeping) 47 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:15,503 (click) 48 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,808 Wow. More chins than a Chinese phone book. 49 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,745 Hey. We're heading out. 50 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,280 Have a nice dinner. 51 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:27,948 What are you going to do tonight? 52 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,683 Well, I don't want to jinx myself, 53 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,020 but I'm hoping to rub one out and be asleep by 10:00. 54 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,356 Rub one out? 55 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,191 Oh, he's gonna wait till we leave, 56 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,792 watch some porn and masturbate. 57 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,594 Ah. 58 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:41,929 Oh. Ick. 59 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,130 You know what? 60 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:44,565 Don't just hang out here alone. 61 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,601 Why don't you just join us for dinner? 62 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,603 Oh, no, no, no. I don't want to be a third wheel. 63 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,938 You two kids have a great time. 64 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,040 Thank you. No. 65 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,375 We insist. 66 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,777 Tell him, Zoey. 67 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,947 Do join us, won't you? 68 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,749 Great. 69 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,617 Rain check. Where we eating? 70 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:07,087 I was thinking about trying out that new Italian place on PCH. 71 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,089 Ooh, really? Italian? That's kind of heavy. 72 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,624 What are you in the mood for? 73 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,560 Oh, no, no. It's your night. I'm just tagging along. 74 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,595 I was rather looking forward to Italian, so... 75 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,830 Well, you heard her. The queen wants pasta. 76 00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:20,901 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 77 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:23,871 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 78 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:27,174 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 79 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:30,311 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 80 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,179 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... * 81 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:34,882 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 82 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,951 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 83 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:42,890 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 84 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,638 Darling, you have some crumbs. 85 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,206 Oh. Thank you. 86 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:00,240 Mm. 87 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,310 That's another advantage of having a beard. 88 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:05,479 After dinner, you always have something left to snack on. 89 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,381 Charming. 90 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,517 She's not crazy about the facial hair. 91 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,784 Oh, are you kidding? 92 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,586 He looks so rugged and sexy. 93 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:13,921 Grr. 94 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,289 Well, if it's such a wonderful look, 95 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,457 why don't you grow a beard? 96 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:18,191 Oh, I tried. Grew in patchy. 97 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,594 I looked like a possum on chemo. 98 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,464 Oh. Well, I think most women would agree 99 00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:25,198 that men look much more attractive 100 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,567 when they're properly groomed. 101 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,601 Really? 102 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,102 I've always been properly groomed, 103 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,204 and all it's gotten me is two divorces 104 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,806 and carpal tunnel syndrome. 105 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,576 Oh. Ick. 106 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:39,046 Alan, check out the bar. 107 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,717 Oh. Wow. 108 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,686 She looks fantastic. 109 00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,020 Who's that? 110 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:48,255 It's Alan's old girlfriend. 111 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,090 (laughs): You're joking. 112 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,794 What's that supposed to mean? 113 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:56,029 Nothing. Well done. Well done. 114 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,900 Alan, go say hello to her. 115 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,736 Oh, I don't know. I mean, as much as I'd like to see her, 116 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,905 I'm not sure she still wants to see me. 117 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,707 Uh, it didn't end well. 118 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:07,941 What happened? 119 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:11,379 Did she catch you rubbing one out? 120 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,046 Did I say that right? That was perfect. 121 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,314 Yeah? Okay. 122 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,451 Just go say hello to her. 123 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,052 (sighs) 124 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,355 Well, guess it couldn't hurt. 125 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,457 I mean, she does look a little pathetic 126 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,359 just sitting there all by herself 127 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,995 waiting to get hit on by some loser. 128 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,431 By all means, save her from that. 129 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,934 All right, wish me luck. 130 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,603 Good luck. 131 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,405 Go get 'em. 132 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:41,542 Seriously, what's wrong with her? 133 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:44,011 Hey, stranger. 134 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,979 Alan! (chuckles) 135 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,549 Hi! How have you been? 136 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:49,750 Uh, good. Good. You? 137 00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,985 Real good. 138 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,154 Well, you look beautiful. 139 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:57,090 Thank you. 140 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,159 Yeah, I've been working out. 141 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:00,761 Good. 142 00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,431 Good, good. So, uh, what are you doing here all by yourself? 143 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,065 Oh, well... Sorry. 144 00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:08,301 I don't think that valet has ever driven a Ferrari before. 145 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,938 Alan, this is my friend Dylan. 146 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:12,172 Dylan, this is Alan. 147 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:13,306 Oh, hey. Hey, Alan. 148 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,842 Uh, Dylan, huh? 149 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,043 Uh, named after Bob? 150 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,044 No, named after my dad. 151 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,612 He was named after Bob. 152 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:21,214 (laughs): Okay. Okay. 153 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,350 Uh, well, it was nice to meet you. 154 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,886 Uh, Lyndsey, it's always great to see you. 155 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:29,022 Um, I-I should get back to my date. 156 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:32,460 Yeah, Walden's trying to set me up with his baby sister. 157 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,527 She's very pretty. 158 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,563 Oh, yeah, she's okay. 159 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:36,830 (chuckles) 160 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,873 Uh, it's a very close family. 161 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,179 (coughing) 162 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,586 Seems overly complicated. 163 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,454 What? 164 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:03,991 Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on 'em? 165 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,226 Dude. 166 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,629 Dude... 167 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:11,264 that's a million-dollar idea. 168 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,834 What is? 169 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,936 Pre-dipped chips. 170 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,807 See, that's a million-dollar idea. 171 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:22,943 What's a million-dollar idea? 172 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,646 It's an idea worth a million dollars. 173 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:29,883 Boy, I wish I had one of those. 174 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,384 (muttering, snickering) 175 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,954 I can't believe they brought back Beavis and Butt-Head. 176 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,390 Yeah. Those guys are, like, too stupid to live. 177 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,661 (both snickering) 178 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:41,795 (door opens) 179 00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,797 Uh-oh. That's my dad. 180 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,066 Quick, give me that air freshener. 181 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,939 This is bug spray, dude. 182 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,509 Says it's for roaches. 183 00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,147 Perfect. 184 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,383 Just forget about her, Alan. 185 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,653 I'm sure Zoey has some single friends she can fix you up with. 186 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,054 No, I don't. Sorry. 187 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,923 I just can't get over how young the guy is. 188 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:13,126 Well, a clean-shaven face will do that for a man. 189 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,830 Well, thanks again for dinner. 190 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,867 I really thought I was gonna eat both lobsters. 191 00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:24,572 You really don't have any single friends? 192 00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:27,841 Shh. Just keep walking. 193 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,009 Hey. 194 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,477 Hey. Hey. 195 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,112 Oh, my God! 196 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,246 Is that bug spray? 197 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,083 Yeah, we were just getting rid of some roaches. 198 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:40,120 Maybe we need to call an exterminator. 199 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,556 I think we need to call Domino's. 200 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,895 Mind if I hang out with you guys? 201 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,798 Sure. 202 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,468 (snickering) 203 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,337 Who's dumber than Beavis and Butt-Head? 204 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,940 (all snickering) 205 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,442 Oh, hey, Eldridge, I ran into your mom tonight. 206 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:04,712 Really? Was she with Dylan? 207 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,279 Yeah, yeah. Have you met him? 208 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,415 What's he like? Is it serious? 209 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,651 I doubt it. He's gay. 210 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:11,719 What? He's gay? 211 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,854 Oh, yeah, big poof. 212 00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:16,990 Always hugging me a little too long. 213 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:20,027 Wait. Are we talking about the guy with the Ferrari? 214 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,461 Yeah. Dylan. 215 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,831 I once saw him wearing my mom's underwear. 216 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:27,134 Oh, well, that doesn't mean he's gay. He... 217 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,373 He might just like pretty things. 218 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,046 Um, does your mom ever mention me? Yeah. 219 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,114 Yeah, all the time. She really misses you. 220 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,150 You should stop by some time. 221 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,185 Huh. 222 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,019 (sighs) 223 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,587 Well, it's not too late. 224 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:52,259 Maybe I'll wander over there and carpe me some diem. 225 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:58,732 Way to get rid of him. 226 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,267 Thanks. 227 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,368 Was any of it true? 228 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,838 Not a word. 229 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:11,344 What does "carpe me some diem" mean? 230 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:14,748 It's French for "bang your mom." 231 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:18,686 * Men. 232 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,220 Mmm. Mmm. Hang on. 233 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,089 (spits) 234 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,623 Beard. 235 00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,693 Oh, please. 236 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,527 I know what you're trying to do. 237 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:28,862 What? 238 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,664 Do you really hate my beard that much? 239 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:33,066 "Hate" is a very strong word. 240 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,735 But, yeah, I hate it. 241 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,136 Okay, I don't understand. 242 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,871 We've been going out for a couple months. 243 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,740 Why is it all of a sudden the problem? 244 00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,942 (sighs) All right. 245 00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:44,244 This is probably going to sound very shallow, 246 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,715 but there's a cocktail party at my office this weekend, 247 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,183 and since I'm on the fast track to make partner, 248 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:54,587 I'd rather not show up with Hipster Jesus. 249 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,163 You're right, that did sound shallow. 250 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,498 I'm sorry. 251 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,968 But if it's that important to you 252 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,970 and the people you work with-- who obviously have never heard 253 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,471 of Steve Wozniak, Richard Branson 254 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,741 or freakin' Santa Claus... 255 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,945 I'll do it. 256 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,479 Really? 257 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:20,647 Yes, really. 258 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,115 And you'll cut the hair, too? 259 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,384 Aw, man! 260 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,385 Fine. 261 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:26,987 (squeals) 262 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,756 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 263 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,024 Now, what can I do to make you happy? 264 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:31,825 Well... 265 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,693 Besides that. Aw. 266 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:40,768 LYNDSEY (moaning): Oh, Dylan! 267 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,736 Oh, yes, Dylan! 268 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,772 Oh! Yes! 269 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:46,606 Dylan! Yes! 270 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:47,307 Dylan! 271 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,308 Big poof, my ass. 272 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,811 Yes! Yes! Yes! 273 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,813 Yes! Yes! I hate that kid. 274 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,382 Yes, Dylan! Yes! 275 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,588 * Men. 276 00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,456 So why'd you quit being a hairdresser? 277 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:06,259 They shut down the prison. 278 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,360 You were in prison? 279 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,930 No, I was a prison barber. 280 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:12,665 Which, to be honest, was mostly about lice control 281 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,836 and trading sex for cigarettes. 282 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,537 What's going on? 283 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:20,507 I'm getting cleaned up for Zoey's office party. 284 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,876 Wow. So you finally caved. 285 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,477 I did not cave. 286 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,980 Just want to make her happy. 287 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,315 Oh, yeah, I get it. 288 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:29,682 I've spent my whole life 289 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,684 doing what I'm told to make women happy. 290 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,021 No, Zoey didn't order me to shave or cut my hair. 291 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,322 It's my choice. 292 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,756 Yeah, and when I was married to Judith, 293 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,292 it was my choice to get a vasectomy, a new kitchen 294 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,329 and a Labradoodle with diarrhea. 295 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,597 (cell phone ringing) 296 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,066 Ooh. 297 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:46,699 Excuse me. 298 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:47,835 Hey, Lyndsey. 299 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,270 All right, Samson, what do you want? 300 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:53,740 Look pretty for your cell mate or the death row special? 301 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:57,210 Yeah, yeah, it was good to see you, too. 302 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,711 W-What? 303 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:02,182 Yeah, I-I would love to-to get together. 304 00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:03,483 Uh, tomorrow night? 305 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:07,054 Great, I-I'll see you then. 306 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,388 Huh. 307 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,825 She's dating a young, good-looking stud with money. 308 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,628 Why would she want to see me? 309 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,632 Maybe she needs a kidney. 310 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,503 * Men. 311 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,172 (knocking) 312 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,845 Surprise. 313 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:34,381 Walden, you promised. 314 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,482 I know. I'm sorry. 315 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:36,917 I just, I couldn't do it. 316 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,751 Then why did you tell me you would? 317 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,621 Because I wanted you to stop nagging me. 318 00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:42,655 Are you calling me a nag? 319 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,391 No, I did not say that. 320 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,792 I said you were nagging. 321 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,527 What's the difference? 322 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,462 Obviously the "ging." 323 00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:51,999 Walden, you gave me your word. 324 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:55,903 I-I was gonna go through with it, and then I realized 325 00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:59,539 this is who I am, and if you don't like me for who I am, 326 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,640 then what's the point? 327 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,809 The point is you lied to me! 328 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,277 N-No, it wasn't a lie. 329 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,745 I meant it when I said it. 330 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,148 But you said it to stop me "nagging!" 331 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:08,882 That's right. 332 00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,483 No, that's wrong! 333 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:13,786 No, what you were trying to make me do-- that's wrong. 334 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:17,090 Now, are we going to your stupid office party or what? 335 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:20,460 Okay, so I guess you're going with the "or what!" 336 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,863 You know what, thank you for showing me your true colors 337 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:26,967 before I fell hopelessly in love with you! 338 00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,068 Uh-oh. 339 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:30,870 Excuse me? 340 00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:34,741 * Men. 341 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,278 I have missed you so much. 342 00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:39,846 I missed you, too. 343 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,149 Uh, maybe this is the wrong time to ask this, 344 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,551 but don't you have a boyfriend? 345 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,818 We broke up. 346 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,454 So you left Dylan for me? 347 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,122 (chuckles) Don't be silly. 348 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,159 Wait, wait. 349 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,426 So-So he left you? 350 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,262 No. 351 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,729 O-Okay, I'm confused. 352 00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,198 Do you really want to know? 353 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,567 Actually, I think I'm good. 354 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:01,768 (sighs) 355 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,937 Do you have any idea how exhausting it is 356 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,738 going out with a gorgeous 25-year-old man? 357 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:08,408 If I said "yes," this would be a whole different conversation. 358 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,210 Let me give you an example. 359 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,812 Every morning, I had to get up an hour before him 360 00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:15,015 to put on makeup so he wouldn't open his eyes 361 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,884 and think he just nailed his mom. 362 00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,154 Nobody wants that. 363 00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:22,855 And that's not the worst part. 364 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,425 A man his age wants to have sex constantly. 365 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:26,626 And that's a problem? 366 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,661 After a certain point, yes. 367 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,363 There's not enough cranberry juice in the world 368 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,933 to put out the fire that's burning between my legs. 369 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,106 Um... 370 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:42,909 Well, the fire between my legs just went out. 371 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,912 I mean, the entire time I was with him, 372 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,547 I walked out of the bedroom backwards 373 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,848 so he wouldn't see my ass. 374 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,517 What's wrong with your ass? 375 00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:53,186 Oh, Alan. 376 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:56,223 That's why I've missed you so much. 377 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,991 I-I don't get it. 378 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,461 Your standards are so much lower than Dylan's. 379 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,796 I don't have to worry about disappointing you. 380 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:07,200 I do set a low bar. 381 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,137 Or worry about you leaving me for a younger woman. 382 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,039 Why not? You can't get one. 383 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,542 And you want to know the best part? 384 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,677 It gets better? 385 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:20,913 I could sit here and fart like a buffalo, 386 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,116 and you'd still want to be with me. 387 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,686 Well, with age comes wisdom. 388 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,255 (laughs) 389 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,490 A fella learns to breathe through his mouth. 390 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:31,691 (chuckles) 391 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,226 Come here, you. 392 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,296 (both moaning) 393 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,830 (farts) 394 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,369 You're testing me, aren't you? 395 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,603 I am. 396 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:44,937 (both chuckle) 397 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,276 (doorbell rings) 398 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,943 Hang on. 399 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:56,783 Whew! That's a dead buffalo. 400 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:00,753 Oh, hey, Zoey. Hi, Alan. 401 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:01,788 Is Walden here? 402 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,989 Uh, you know, I'm not sure. 403 00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:04,191 I haven't seen him all day. 404 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:05,792 Uh, Walden, you up there?! 405 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:06,793 WALDEN: Coming! 406 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:07,927 (sighs) 407 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,162 Uh, oh, Lyndsey, Zoey. 408 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,463 Zoey, Lyndsey. Hi. 409 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,564 Hi. 410 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,066 We just got back together. 411 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:13,866 Really? 412 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,835 Oh, did that lovely boy die? 413 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,206 WALDEN: Zoey? 414 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,140 Hmm? 415 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,685 (chuckles) 416 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,854 Oh, my God. 417 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,223 Look at you. 418 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:37,490 You like it? 419 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,559 Like it? 420 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:42,129 I'm tempted to rub one out. 421 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,433 But why? 422 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,236 Well, it turns out, when you weren't nagging me to do it, 423 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,303 I wanted to. 424 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,273 (sniffs) 425 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:58,778 What are you doing here? 426 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,947 I came to apologize for nagging. 427 00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:03,416 I had no right to try and change you. 428 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,785 Thank you. 429 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,954 I also hoped you might elaborate 430 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,423 on that "falling in love" comment. 431 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,160 I don't know what you're talking about. 432 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,228 (laughs) 433 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:18,331 All right then, come with me. 434 00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:19,466 Where are we going? 435 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,068 I want to test drive this new face of yours. 436 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,103 Oh. 437 00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,538 Hop on! 438 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,379 That poor girl. 439 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,515 Yeah, he looks younger and prettier than before. 440 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:40,220 She's gonna have to hold in her farts till the Fourth of July. 441 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,289 Mm-hmm. 442 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,426 * Men. 443 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,461 Here's your cranberry juice. 444 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,330 Thank you. 445 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,365 So, uh, how will you know 446 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,401 when your lady problems have cleared up? 447 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,370 I'll be able to pee without screaming. 448 00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,272 (toilet flushes) 449 00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:03,009 Thanks so much for letting me use your loo. 450 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,511 Oh, any time. (sighs) 451 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,613 I know it's silly, but I just don't want Walden 452 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,381 to hear any of my bathroom noises. 453 00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:09,916 I totally understand. 454 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,651 Thank you. Night. 455 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,353 Good night. 456 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,887 (door closes) 457 00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:18,258 Dylan took me to Hawaii for a week, I didn't crap once. 458 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,127 Is that so? 459 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,862 Thank God he fell asleep on the flight back. 460 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,030 Why's that? 461 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,333 Gave me a chance to unload. 462 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:29,702 I put the first-class lavatory totally out of commission. 463 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,070 Really? Yeah. 464 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,773 Stewardess thought it was a terrorist attack. 465 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,310 All right, good night. 466 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,214 Yeah, o-okay. 467 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,282 Good night. 468 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,418 (Zoey and Walden laughing, giggling) 469 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,825 They don't have what we have. 470 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:55,094 (laughing, giggling continue) 471 00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,600 No, they don't. 472 00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,935 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 473 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:05,305 and TOYOTA.