1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:03,003 JAKE: Previously on: 2 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,338 ALAN: Oh, Charlie. 3 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:07,575 I would have given anything to be like you. 4 00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:09,577 Even for a day. 5 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,079 I'm Melanie. 6 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,047 Nice to meet you, Melanie. 7 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,915 I'm... 8 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,917 Charlie. 9 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,352 Charlie Harper. 10 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,189 Whoa. Look who's getting busy. 11 00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,490 JAKE: Hey. 12 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,959 He's acting like my Uncle Charlie. 13 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,362 He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie. 14 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,364 People are really worried about you. 15 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,166 The only reason people are worried about me 16 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,235 is 'cause they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am. 17 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,338 I'm fine. What's your name? 18 00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:40,074 Charlie Harper. You're not fine. 19 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,343 I've got a great idea. 20 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,412 You and me, Vegas. 21 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,946 This doesn't look like the Bellagio. 22 00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,615 Uh, it's the, uh, back entrance. 23 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,016 Hello, Mr. Harper. 24 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,284 If you could, just come with us. 25 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,885 Uh, don't forget my bags. 26 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,321 And we'll be going to the presidential suite? 27 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,622 Oh, yes, sir. 28 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:57,358 Uh, I'm going to need a bucket of ice, 29 00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,294 a bottle of scotch and two Asian hookers. 30 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,363 Yes. Thanks. 31 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,634 Winning. 32 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,237 * Men. * 33 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,239 Here you go, Mr. Harper. 34 00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,906 Now that you're leaving us, 35 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,143 you can have your belt and shoelaces back. 36 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:16,477 Oh. Thank you. 37 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,246 But believe me, there was never any possibility 38 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:19,580 I was going to hurt myself. 39 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,649 Yeah, well, it only takes one whack job 40 00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:24,285 hanging from the shower curtain to ruin it for everybody. 41 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,187 I... I suppose. 42 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,922 And I guess I did lose it for a little while there. 43 00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:30,158 Lose it? 44 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:32,025 We had a pool on how long it would take 45 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,027 to get you toilet trained again. 46 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,130 Really? 47 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,098 Cost me 50 bucks. 48 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,501 And a pair of nice white shoes. 49 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:41,602 Sorry. 50 00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,571 I tend to leak under pressure. 51 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:44,938 So you think you're ready 52 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,174 to go back out into the world? 53 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,575 Yeah. Yeah, I do. 54 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,677 I mean, I've, uh, learned a lot about myself 55 00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,146 in the last month, and I... I now have the tools 56 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,547 to deal with life on life's terms. 57 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,683 You know, a lot of people say that, 58 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,286 but you'd be surprised how another couple of weeks 59 00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,622 of treatment can make all the difference in the world. 60 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,357 You have another pool, don't you? 61 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,425 Nothing personal. 62 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:05,693 Just trying to get even. 63 00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,628 Sorry I couldn't be more help. 64 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,263 That's okay. 65 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,964 Got $100 says you'll be back before Christmas. 66 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,401 Thanks for your support. 67 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,504 You really want to thank me, stop taking your medication. 68 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,038 Or double up. 69 00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,474 Either way, I'll have a happy holiday. 70 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,313 Hope you weren't planning on leaving 71 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:28,316 before you give your old buddy Gary a hug. 72 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,684 Of course not. 73 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,691 I love you. 74 00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:46,166 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 75 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,936 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 76 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,575 Thanks for picking me up. 77 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,010 No problem. 78 00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,247 So you're not crazy anymore? 79 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,582 I was never actually crazy. 80 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,051 Then why were you in the nuthouse? 81 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,654 It's not a nuthouse; it's a stress clinic. 82 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,755 What's the difference? 83 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,757 About $2,500 a week. 84 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:12,293 But the good news is that I got a lot out of it. 85 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,827 I mean, I am ready to deal 86 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,329 with whatever life throws at me, you know. 87 00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:16,930 Full speed ahead. 88 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,666 Well, that's good, 'cause I've got something 89 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,067 I want to talk to you about. 90 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,802 Oh, anything. Dad's here for you, pal. 91 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,036 Cool. 92 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,372 So remember Megan? 93 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,106 Oh, yeah, that was, uh, your little girlfriend. 94 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,675 Uh, she's seems like a great gal. 95 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:28,909 Well, I'm glad you like her 96 00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,944 'cause she's kind of pregnant. 97 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:34,982 Kind of? 98 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,384 She's not showing yet. 99 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,352 She's still in her first semester. 100 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,689 Oh, my God. 101 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:42,856 How-how... how did this happen? 102 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,825 I mean, what about our talks about, uh, 103 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,227 sexual responsibility and-and using protection? 104 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:48,929 I can explain that. 105 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,063 Go ahead. 106 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,732 I was drunk. 107 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,903 Okay. Okay. 108 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,838 I have the tools. 109 00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:01,008 And how do you propose to take care of this child? 110 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,743 Oh, we got that figured out. 111 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,412 First, we're going to quit school and get jobs. 112 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,213 Okay, stop right there. 113 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,982 What jobs? 114 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,184 Advertising-- we're going to teach the baby to talk 115 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,853 and put him in E-Trade commercials. 116 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,155 You're joking. 117 00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:18,759 No. We figure the baby they got is probably getting pretty old. 118 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,799 What does your mother think about this? 119 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,668 She doesn't know. What? 120 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,002 I was hoping you'd tell her. 121 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,738 Why do I have to tell her? 122 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:31,905 Because she already hates you 123 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,874 and she scares the crap out of me. 124 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:42,182 (gently): Hey, there he is. 125 00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:44,051 Welcome home, buddy. 126 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,088 Thank you. I'm glad to be here. 127 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,323 Yeah. How you feeling? 128 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,191 Fine. Why are you whispering? 129 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,126 Oh, I don't want to startle you. 130 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,195 Walden, I'm okay. 131 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,997 Yeah, sure you are. 132 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,399 JAKE: Hey, Walden, guess what. 133 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,100 I'm going to be a dad. 134 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,271 Really? 135 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,375 Wow. 136 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,378 How you feel about that, Grandpa? 137 00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,815 Well, it's, uh, not something I would have chosen 138 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,917 for him at this stage of his life, 139 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,453 but he will continue to have my love and support. 140 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,757 If it's a boy, we're going to name him Frodo. 141 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,393 You're not making it easy for me, pal. 142 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,162 You should have used a condom. 143 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,965 Or you should have. 144 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,435 Hey, look who's back from the loony bin. 145 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,237 It wasn't a loony bin; it's a stress clinic. 146 00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,873 Did they let you keep your belt? 147 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,308 Uh, well... Loony bin. 148 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,411 There's your mail. Thank you. 149 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,945 Hey, Berta, I'm going to be a dad. 150 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,515 (laughing) 151 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,316 What's funny? 152 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,385 From where you're standing, nothing. 153 00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,523 Did you tell him your news? 154 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,157 Mmm, it'll keep. 155 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,325 Hey, open your mail. 156 00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,293 Okay. Let's see. 157 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,229 Uh, bill, bill, jury duty, 158 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:03,397 (chuckles) bill. 159 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:04,532 Ooh! Oh, here we go. 160 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:05,866 My refund from the IRS. 161 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,034 Ooh. Whew! 162 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,102 Just in time what with all these bills. 163 00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,238 Might want to set some of that aside for Frodo's headshots. 164 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,110 Huh. 165 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,279 It's not a refund at all. 166 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,948 I'm being audited. 167 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,016 (laughing) 168 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:26,554 What's so funny? 169 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,321 From where you're standing, nothing. 170 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,261 I guess you're probably wondering 171 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,896 why I asked you guys to come over. 172 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,164 We understand, Alan. 173 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,033 Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. 174 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,268 I'm not mentally ill. 175 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,970 It was a stress clinic. 176 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,473 Did the door lock from the inside or the outside? 177 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,040 Uh, uh, well, the... the... 178 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,976 (whistles) 179 00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:53,313 Nevertheless, the reason I called a family meeting 180 00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,582 is because, uh, Jake 181 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:57,017 and Megan have some news. 182 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,351 Oh, my God. She's pregnant. 183 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,820 Well, that was easy. 184 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:01,221 Who wants cake? 185 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,190 How could you do this? 186 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,192 She made me. 187 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,259 What? 188 00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:07,461 Oh, come on. 189 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,362 Between the two of us, who was a virgin? 190 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,064 ALAN: Okay, okay. 191 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,399 What's done is done, 192 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,067 but if we can come together as a family, 193 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,469 we can deal with this without finger-pointing. 194 00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:16,870 Your father's right. 195 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,506 Let's just calm down and talk it through. 196 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,875 Is it just me, or does Herb and Judith's kid 197 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,877 look a lot like Alan? 198 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:29,082 Well, you know, there is a slight resemblance. 199 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,551 Damn it, Jake! What the hell is wrong with you? 200 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,352 How could you be so irresponsible? 201 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,121 I mean, what were you thinking? What were you thinking? 202 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,889 JUDITH: Did we raise you not to know any better than this? 203 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,290 ALAN: What do you have to say for yourself? 204 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,192 When are you going to tell him your news? 205 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,394 Ah, I don't want to make things worse. 206 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:46,033 See, that's the big difference between you and me. 207 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,035 JUDITH: And you're a grandpa now. 208 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,537 Grandpa. Grandpa. 209 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,438 A grandpa and grandma... 210 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:55,576 Hey. 211 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,244 Hey. How'd your audit go? 212 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,312 It wasn't so much an audit 213 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,616 as a brutal prison rape with a number two pencil. 214 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,184 I'm confused. 215 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,219 Did you like it or not? 216 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:09,222 They say I owe them $80,000. 217 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,091 So not. 218 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,260 But the good news is, if they take 219 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,228 everything I own, they'll only get four. 220 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,263 $4,000? 221 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,031 Four dollars. 222 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,633 But I'm not worried. 223 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,670 Because I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me. 224 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,639 No, you don't. 225 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,507 Alan? 226 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,076 Oh, Lyndsey. 227 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,378 Sweetheart, are you a sight for sore eyes. 228 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,147 Yeah, it's good to see you, too. 229 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,116 Oh. 230 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,218 Alan, you're home. 231 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,388 Hey, Walden, I think now's the time to tell him. 232 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,056 Tell me what? 233 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,693 Aw. 234 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,961 (laughing) 235 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,699 What's so funny? 236 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,968 From where I'm standing, everything. 237 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,037 * Men. * 238 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,976 * Men. * 239 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,745 I'm sorry you had to find out this way. 240 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,379 Oh. Really? Really? 241 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,381 How would you have liked me to hear about it? 242 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,117 Twitter? Facebook? A singing telegram? 243 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:13,186 * Ta-ra-ra boom-dee-ay, I banged your girl today * 244 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:17,357 * 'Cause I'm a billionaire, I still have all my hair. * 245 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:18,759 I-I understand that you're upset, 246 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,594 but you have to see this from our viewpoint. 247 00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:21,762 What's your viewpoint? 248 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,731 The sex is awesome. 249 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,566 It really is. 250 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,235 He's the best I've ever had. 251 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:30,003 No, you're the best I've ever had. 252 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,004 LYNDSEY: You're the best I've had. 253 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,205 No, you. No, you. 254 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,141 Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 255 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,308 How did this happen? 256 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,678 It was actually kind of a meet cute. 257 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,313 Uh, Lyndsey came here to see where you were, 258 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,682 and I told her where you were, 259 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,451 and then she started to cry, and... 260 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:47,354 bippity-boppity-boo, we're having sex. 261 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,522 Bippity-boppity-boo? 262 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,224 How do you go from crying to sex? 263 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,661 With him, it was always the other way around. 264 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,029 Okay, okay, and-and-and what was the cute part? 265 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,564 Look at him. 266 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,099 No, look at you. 267 00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,167 No, you. No, you. 268 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:03,436 Hey! Hey! I'm still here! 269 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,038 I mean, how-how could you do this? 270 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,373 How-how could you have an affair 271 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,141 while I'm locked up in the booby hatch? 272 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,677 I thought it was a stress clinic. 273 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,680 Everybody knows what it was! 274 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,582 I lost my freaking mind! 275 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:19,319 But luckily, now I'm better, so I have the tools 276 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,522 to cope with whatever life throws at me! 277 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:27,094 That's great, Alan, 'cause there's one more thing. 278 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,595 Oh, super. Let me have it. 279 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,563 You need to move out. What?! 280 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,232 Come on, it'd be creepy if you're 281 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,167 downstairs listening while we're having sex. 282 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,468 Lyndsey doesn't make any noise. 283 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,838 I do now. 284 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:40,173 Fine. Fine. Let me just get my things. 285 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,074 LYNDSEY: Uh, not necessary. 286 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,710 We packed your stuff. 287 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,345 Oh, yeah. It's all in a storage bin out by the airport. 288 00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,848 But don't worry, I took care of the first month's rent. 289 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,149 Here's the key. 290 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,583 Why, thank you. 291 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,186 You know, I hope someday, we can look back 292 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,823 at this as friends and just laugh. 293 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,590 Someday? 294 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,559 Why wait? Let's laugh now. 295 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:03,463 (high-pitched laughter) 296 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,631 Okay, I'll go. 297 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,370 That's it! 298 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,273 I am done being a doormat. 299 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,574 I'll show 'em. 300 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,276 I will show 'em all. 301 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,579 They won't have Alan Harper to kick around anymore. 302 00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:22,950 And they will be sorry. 303 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,985 Apologies will be made, 304 00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:27,755 tears will be wept, 305 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:30,323 but it's all gonna be too late 306 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,760 'cause I am out of here! 307 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,863 Sleeping the big sleep, the ol' dirt nap. 308 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:39,532 Adios, muchachos, it's the last roundup. 309 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:47,174 (engine starts, idles) 310 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,709 God, check, please. 311 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,782 (hissing) 312 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:59,652 Perfect. 313 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:03,190 * Men. * 314 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,561 (doorbell rings) 315 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,132 (whirring) 316 00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,835 Hi! Hi, Mom, it's me! 317 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,736 I need a place to stay. 318 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,372 Walden kicked me out and my car blew up 319 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,708 and I had to hitchhike over here! 320 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,443 EVELYN (with Asian accent): So, solly, 321 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,378 Missy Everyn no home. 322 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:28,648 Missy Everyn?! 323 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:29,649 Come on, Mom! 324 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:30,750 What are you doing? 325 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,552 Let me in! I'm soaking wet, 326 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:35,622 and I had to give a truck driver a happy ending just to get here! 327 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:39,326 Go away! I call po-rice! 328 00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:42,429 What kind of accent is that supposed to be?! 329 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,165 Herro? Po-rice? 330 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,766 Clazy man outside. 331 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,802 You come quick! 332 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,503 Fine, fine! I'm leaving! 333 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,604 Thanks a lot! 334 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,374 Rots of ruck! 335 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,715 Unbelievable. 336 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,953 Blindsided by my son... 337 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,355 reamed by the IRS... 338 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,290 rejected by my lover... 339 00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:12,592 betrayed by my friend... 340 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:16,263 molested by a truck driver... 341 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,866 cast out by my mother... 342 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:23,303 and rained on by God. 343 00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,638 And this isn't even the worst week of my life. 344 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,416 Oh, come on. 345 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,724 Might as well make myself comfortable. 346 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:50,297 Nowhere to go from here. 347 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,267 End of the line. 348 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,104 Rock bottom. 349 00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,407 Can a man sink any lower? 350 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,779 Asked and answered. 351 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,515 (Southern accent): Pardon me. 352 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,951 Do you happen to have a flashlight? 353 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:13,954 Uh, what? 354 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,256 The light in my storage unit isn't working. 355 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,290 I need a flashlight. 356 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,293 Oh. Uh, yeah, sure. Um... 357 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,862 Yeah, uh... what the hell? 358 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,898 Oh, here you go. 359 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,233 Thank you. 360 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,168 My fur coats all feel alike in the dark. 361 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,037 Lot of things feel alike in the dark. 362 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,906 Ooh, you rascal! 363 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,374 Uh, I'm Alan Harper. 364 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:35,976 Veronica Hastings. 365 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,277 Come here often? 366 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,913 No, but the night is young. 367 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,015 Ooh. Innuendo? 368 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,850 Not usually. 369 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,086 But if you play your cards right... 370 00:14:48,355 --> 00:14:49,789 Listen, Alan Harper, 371 00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,558 I keep some nice wines in my storage unit. 372 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,026 Can I interest you in a glass? 373 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,062 I would like that very much. 374 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,463 Don't go away. 375 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,865 There is no chance of that happening. 376 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:07,474 You had a plan all along, didn't you, God? 377 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:10,343 MAN: Alan? 378 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,412 Yes, Lord? 379 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:13,981 Over here. 380 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,316 Oh! Oh, Herb. (nervous chuckle) 381 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,285 What are you doing here? 382 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,886 I called Walden. 383 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,055 He told me this is where I might find you. 384 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:25,158 Oh, well, I, uh, I appreciate you stopping by, 385 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,161 but I'm not really set up for entertaining yet. 386 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,829 I didn't just stop by. 387 00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:31,098 I have some news for you. 388 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,933 Really? Good news? 389 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,369 I had a DNA test done on my daughter Millie. 390 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,338 Oh? 391 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,040 Turns out she's your daughter. 392 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,509 Bad news. 393 00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,944 And it's about to get worse. 394 00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,980 Oh, come on! 395 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:48,015 Good-bye, Alan. 396 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,349 Oh, no, Herb, please, please! 397 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,551 I'm about get laid by Jessica Rabbit! 398 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,056 No, Herb, no! 399 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,094 (chuckles) 400 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,997 Oh, thank God I'm still in the loony bin. 401 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:08,968 It's a stress clinic. 402 00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:11,271 * Men. * 403 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:17,044 ALAN: Thanks for picking me up. 404 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,511 No problem. 405 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,680 I'm surprised Walden let you take his car. 406 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:21,781 I know, right? 407 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,983 With my driving record? 408 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,388 I'm really glad you're feeling better. 409 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:29,389 You had me worried. 410 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,759 I'm sorry. Didn't mean to. 411 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,794 But everything's fine now. 412 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,529 Good. 413 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,531 Hey, is it too soon to talk to you 414 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,699 about something important? 415 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,402 You can talk to me about anything. 416 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,737 I have the tools to cope. 417 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,806 Cool. Remember Megan? 418 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,676 Oh, God... 419 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,911 Well, we've been going out for a while now 420 00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:53,012 and all of a sudden, she's saying 421 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,547 she wants to see other people, 422 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:58,418 but I want to keep it, you know, monotonous. 423 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,953 That, that's it? She's not pregnant? 424 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,555 No, of course not. 425 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,691 I've been stuck at third base for months. 426 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,193 (sighs) 427 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:07,427 That's a relief. 428 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:09,896 For you, maybe. 429 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:12,565 Anyway, I was just wondering if you had 430 00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:14,834 some advice on how to keep a woman from leaving you. 431 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:25,278 So how was the food in there? 432 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,479 * Men. * 433 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,616 It feels strange to be back here. 434 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:30,883 Just to warn you, things are 435 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,219 a little bit different than you remember them. 436 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,286 What do you mean? 437 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,087 I promised Walden 438 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,655 I wouldn't tell you. 439 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,424 Bye. Where you going? 440 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,192 I'm gonna take Walden's car over to Megan's, 441 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,427 see if it helps me slide into home. 442 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,795 Wear protection! 443 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,265 I'm wearing it now! 444 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,142 Whoa. 445 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:58,611 (gently): Hey, buddy. 446 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:00,613 How ya doing? 447 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,316 I'm okay. 448 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,485 Good, good, I'm glad. 449 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:06,653 Walden, you don't have 450 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,221 to talk to me like a crazy person. 451 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,757 Oh, crazy people don't talk like this. 452 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,192 Regular people talk like this when 453 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,593 they're talking to crazy people. 454 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:16,563 Fine. Whatever. 455 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,097 I see you finished redecorating. 456 00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,367 (normal voice): Yeah. What do you think? 457 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,801 Ah, it looks fantastic. 458 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,703 Oh, hey, check this out. 459 00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:28,308 Computer, lights off. 460 00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,679 Computer, music on. 461 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:36,115 * 462 00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,621 That's awesome. 463 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:45,024 Yeah, it's the home of tomorrow. 464 00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:47,627 Except it's today. 465 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,531 Computer, music off. 466 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:52,499 (music stops) 467 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,801 Okay, let me try. 468 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,736 Uh, computer, lights on. 469 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,104 Oh, no, that won't work. 470 00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,739 It's keyed to my voice. 471 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,742 Oh, well, then how do I turn the lights on and off? 472 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,079 You can't. 473 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,881 Hey, let me show you the kitchen. 474 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:12,919 Boy, sure hope I can flush the toilet. 475 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,889 * Ta-da! 476 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,925 Ta-da, indeed. 477 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,693 Oh, hey, check this out. 478 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,862 I connected the refrigerator to the Internet. 479 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,499 Ice. 480 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,868 Wait for it. 481 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,806 Is that cool or what? 482 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,942 And if I want ice? 483 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:39,178 You just call me and then I'll call the refrigerator. 484 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,115 Oh, oh, check this out. 485 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,686 Computer, television on. 486 00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,823 (chuckling): Wow! Yeah. 487 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,725 What is it about a giant TV? 488 00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,762 Right? I mean, just looking at it gives me a chubby. 489 00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,099 (sighs) Welcome home, buddy. 490 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:03,470 Oh, thanks, Walden, but you and I both know 491 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,238 this is not my home. 492 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,606 Oh, sure, it is. 493 00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,475 No, let me finish. 494 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,710 I had a lot of time to think while I was away. 495 00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,880 At least after I came off the thorazine. 496 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,817 And I realized that it's one thing to live off my brother, 497 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,253 but he's gone and... 498 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,155 now his stuff's gone, too. 499 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:28,094 I really don't belong here anymore. 500 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,228 So you're moving out? 501 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:31,631 Oh, no, no! God, no! 502 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,634 I mean, look at the size of this thing. 503 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,569 No, I just want you to know that 504 00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,871 I'm aware of the absurdity of our situation. 505 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,607 Bring it in. Oh... 506 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,011 Computer, music on. 507 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:49,882 * And I will always love you... * 508 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,051 And let me know if you need ice. 509 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,021 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 510 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,024 and TOYOTA. 511 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,093 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org