1 00:00:00,801 --> 00:00:05,706 * Men. 2 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,343 So you're not paying any rent at all? 3 00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,745 Walden doesn't want my money, we're friends. 4 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,615 Wow. I can't wait till I grow up and find a friend 5 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,484 of my own to live off of. 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,220 That's my dream for you. 7 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,554 WALDEN: Mail's here. 8 00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,556 Whoa! 9 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,591 Whoa! Whoa! 10 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:24,692 Hey! 11 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:32,200 Uh, Walden, are you feeling okay? 12 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,467 Yeah, fine. Why? 13 00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:36,770 Your junk's all over the couch, dude. 14 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,272 Yeah, so? 15 00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:41,475 It's my house, my couch, my junk. 16 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,677 Fair point. 17 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,413 Remember, we're guests. 18 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,115 I thought we were friends. 19 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,650 What is this? 20 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:53,721 Package for "Alan Smith" from "Penis Pump Industries." 21 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,790 Nobody here by that name. 22 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,393 I'll just... I'll take this back to the post office. 23 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,832 Oh boy, perfect. 24 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,435 What? 25 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,803 It's my divorce papers from Bridget. 26 00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,605 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, man. 27 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,142 I remember getting my divorce papers. 28 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,676 That was a sad, sad day. 29 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:16,844 Remember, Jake? 30 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:18,679 I wasn't with you, I was with Mom. 31 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,448 She had a party on a boat. 32 00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:24,352 You gonna be okay? 33 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,120 Yeah, I'm fine. 34 00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,655 I guess I knew it was coming. 35 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,290 Well, that's a very healthy attitude. 36 00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,259 Of course, I was hoping she'd change her mind. 37 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,794 But if I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, 38 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,463 guess which hand would be full? 39 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:38,332 The poop hand? 40 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,900 Bingo. 41 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,270 Yes. 42 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:45,573 Well, my marriage is over. 43 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,441 Big deal. 44 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,743 It's only the final death knell 45 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,613 of the most meaningful relationship of my life. 46 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,448 Bong. 47 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,317 That was a knell. 48 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,386 But you're young. 49 00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,788 I'm sure you'll find someone else eventually. 50 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,224 Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure. 51 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,858 It's easy to find a soul mate. 52 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,328 Heck, you practically trip over them everywhere you turn. 53 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,497 Oh, look, a soul mate! 54 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,899 Oh, jeepers, there's another soul mate! 55 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:15,369 Everywhere I look it's another soul mate. 56 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:17,205 No, it's a great day. 57 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,241 It's just another fabulous day in the life of Walden Schmidt. 58 00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,642 Yah! 59 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,418 Dad? 60 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:31,685 Yeah? 61 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,455 Please tell me I'm not done growing. 62 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:37,758 Knock yourself out. 63 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:42,196 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 64 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:45,499 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 65 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:48,436 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 66 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,504 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 67 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,207 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 68 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:56,277 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 69 00:02:56,310 --> 00:03:00,781 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 70 00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,388 * Men. 71 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:18,232 Walden? Yeah? 72 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:21,469 What you doing? 73 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,871 If I'm going to forget Bridget and start a new life, 74 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,939 I got to get rid of the old one. 75 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:29,310 Uh-huh. So, uh, so this is all... 76 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,812 Wedding photos and love letters. 77 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:32,846 Right, right. 78 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,717 Oh, this is from our second date. 79 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,619 "I am bananas over you." 80 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:39,953 Isn't that adorable? 81 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:44,725 Burn in Hell, little monkey. 82 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,729 This-- wedding video. 83 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,931 Honeymoon video. 84 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,401 Oh, maybe I'll keep that one. 85 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:57,004 Listen, I understand that you're very upset right now, 86 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,706 but there may come a time 87 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,708 when you'll regret not having some of this stuff. 88 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,043 You still have your wedding photos? 89 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,778 Well, the half that she gave me. 90 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:07,515 And by half, I mean half of each picture. 91 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,483 (imitates paper ripping) 92 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:12,052 Yeah, well, I don't want any mementos. 93 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,622 In fact, I don't even want to think about Bridget anymore. 94 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,057 I am wiping the hard drive. 95 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,527 Okay. I'm rebooting the system. 96 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,529 Whatever makes you happy. And to really get a clean start, 97 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,597 I'm going to sell this place and move to New York. 98 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,400 With the possible exception of that. 99 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:27,468 Why? 100 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,936 What do you mean why? 101 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,540 If you sell the place, I wouldn't be able to live... 102 00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:34,808 ...with myself. 103 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:38,679 If I didn't encourage you to reconsider, 104 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,914 and maybe talk to a professional. 105 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,616 Like a shrink? 106 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:45,819 This could all be a sign of clinical depression. 107 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,755 I guess you would know. 108 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,391 If you're interested, I could recommend a good psychiatrist. 109 00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,393 The one that my brother used to go to. 110 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:55,095 Uh, your brother ended up dead. 111 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,431 Well, yeah, that's 'cause a crazy woman 112 00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:59,099 pushed him in front of a train. 113 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,001 You can't blame his shrink for that. 114 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:04,004 If anything, blame the crazy woman's shrink. 115 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,039 I guess I got nothing to lose, huh? 116 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,709 I'm in. 117 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,978 Okay. Well, I'll go get her number. 118 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:15,883 Geez, being a parasitic leech is exhausting. 119 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,587 * Men. 120 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,723 I'm sure you're aware that depression is often the result 121 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:23,991 of repressed anger. 122 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,594 I'm not angry. 123 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:28,596 Well, I got to tell you, Walden, 124 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:31,999 burning all the mementos and photographs from your marriage 125 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,835 can be construed as an angry gesture. 126 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,571 That's not an angry gesture. This is an angry gesture. 127 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,772 Arr! 128 00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,941 That's a good one, too. 129 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,546 Why don't we put your marriage on the back burner for now. 130 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,880 Let's talk about your childhood. 131 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,850 I had a very happy childhood. 132 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,385 Filled with wonderful memories. 133 00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:52,720 Your parents still together? 134 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,055 No, and I don't want to talk about it. 135 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,693 All right, fine. 136 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,497 My first childhood memory 137 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:06,099 was my father disappearing when I was three. 138 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,968 He abandoned you and your mother? 139 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,737 No, he disappeared. 140 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,473 He was an amateur magician and it was his signature trick. 141 00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:14,475 Oh. 142 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:17,778 And then when I was four, 143 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,147 he ran off with a lady sword swallower. 144 00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,884 At least that's what my mother called her. 145 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,120 In retrospect, it might have been a euphemism. 146 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,957 So what was your mother like? 147 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,893 Well, after Dad left, she raised me by herself. 148 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,462 And how was that? 149 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,929 It was great. 150 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,098 She did everything for me. 151 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,100 And I always felt safe with her. 152 00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,002 That sounds wonderful. 153 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,604 It was. 154 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,006 And the saddest day of my life was when it ended. 155 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,441 Why, what happened? 156 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:49,009 I got married. 157 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,679 Hello. 158 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,016 How did your wife and your mother get along? 159 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,218 Not very well. I don't know why, though. 160 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,454 Maybe it was just 'cause they were so different. 161 00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,055 I see. 162 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,924 Tell me more about your wife. 163 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:04,892 Bridget? 164 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,561 She's great. 165 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:08,929 She did everything for me. 166 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,798 And I always felt very safe with her. 167 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:14,101 Oh, isn't that what I said about my mother? 168 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,170 Oh, Walden, you went and beat me to it. 169 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,507 I wonder if when we get right down to it, 170 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,708 I married my mother. 171 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,543 And we're off. 172 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,912 What are we saying here? 173 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,048 That Bridget's right and I am emotionally immature? 174 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,617 And all those years 175 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,786 I was treating her more like a mother than a wife? 176 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,855 And how would that make you feel if that were true? 177 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,890 That would make me feel very angry. 178 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,160 And repressed anger is sometimes the cause of... 179 00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,261 Depression. 180 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,497 Ta-da. 181 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,098 Ta-da. 182 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,135 That's the last thing my dad said before he disappeared. 183 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,740 Is that it? Am I cured? 184 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,576 Well, "cured" is one of those laymen's terms 185 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:58,512 that we psychiatrists try to avoid. 186 00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,981 It hurts repeat business. 187 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,516 Do I need to come back? 188 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,518 I'm thinking three times a week. 189 00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,019 Well, I was going to leave town. 190 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,721 Well, then you have a choice to make. 191 00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,558 You can stay here and make your problems go away, 192 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,826 or you can go away with your problems. 193 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:16,163 Well, that is going in my book. 194 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:19,633 Okay, I need to know one more thing. 195 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,168 When I was having sex with my wife, 196 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,970 was I really having sex with my mother? 197 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,038 I'm thinking double sessions. 198 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,540 Monday, Wednesday, Thursday? 199 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:29,610 What... You... Um, you don't work on Fridays? 200 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,144 Not anymore. 201 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,613 I'll see you next week. 202 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,648 Thank you, Dr. Freeman. You're welcome. 203 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:37,317 Oh, gosh. Okay, that's fine. 204 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,553 Bye-bye now. 205 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,089 Bye. 206 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,291 (door closes) 207 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:47,027 Hmm, maybe I'm not gay. 208 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,332 It turns out all these years, I've been trying to duplicate 209 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,935 the good feelings I have for my mother with my wife. 210 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,805 Oh, see, you lose me at good feelings toward my mother. 211 00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,808 Uh, I would like a jumbo hot dog, 212 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,010 an extra large nachos and a super slushee. 213 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,778 Um... you want anything? 214 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,980 No, I'm good. Oh, come on, you treated me to the movie, 215 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,616 let me treat you to a snack. 216 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,851 Give my friend a small popcorn. 217 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,256 Oh, God! 218 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,725 What? 219 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,259 It's my wife. 220 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,194 Oh... Wow! 221 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,865 That is one handsome man she's with. 222 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,367 You think? 223 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,036 Oh, yeah. He's gorgeous. 224 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,105 He's better looking than me? 225 00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:33,974 Well, it's apples and oranges. 226 00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,777 I mean, you're prettier, but he's more... (growls) 227 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,748 What do I do here? 228 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,684 Well, the adult thing would be to say hello and meet her new fella, 229 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:47,855 but I'm a big believer in yelling fire and escaping in the confusion. 230 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,257 No, no. I'm going to be a grownup. 231 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,692 Bridget! 232 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,360 Hiya! Over here! 233 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,264 Oh, Lord. 234 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,700 The closer he gets, the better he looks. 235 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:02,803 Uh, Walden, this is Alex. Alex, Walden. 236 00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,271 Heard a lot about you. 237 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,675 Yeah? Did you hear about my giant penis? 238 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,779 (sniffs) 239 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,313 I smell smoke. Does anybody else smell smoke? 240 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,015 Hey, Alan, Hi. 241 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,249 Hey. 242 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,217 Alan lives with Walden. 243 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,754 So, Alex... 244 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,956 What do you do? 245 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,092 I'm a cosmetic surgeon. 246 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:29,830 Really? Beverly Hills, Botox, boobies? 247 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:34,301 More like Mogadishu, cleft palates and burn victims. 248 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:38,105 He travels around the world helping children in war zones. 249 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,340 Oh. 250 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,977 What are you guys, like, on a date? 251 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,914 Walden, you knew eventually I'd start seeing other people. 252 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:47,915 Nuh-uh. 253 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,016 Whatever. 254 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,718 Um, we should go. 255 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,786 Nice to meet you. 256 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:56,056 Really? What about this was nice? 257 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,129 You didn't tell me he turned gay. 258 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,766 He's gonna split that little guy in half. 259 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,370 What a loser. 260 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,373 That'll be $47.28. 261 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,275 Oh, oh, damn. 262 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,277 I-I left my wallet in the car. 263 00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,712 Uh, do you mind? 264 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,848 Oh, yeah, sure. 265 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,717 Oh, and throw in some Twizzlers. 266 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,753 No, no, the big one. 267 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,323 * Men. 268 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,725 I think you handled that very well, 269 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,728 seeing Bridget with another guy. 270 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,063 Another guy? 271 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,365 She's dating Conan the Humanitarian. 272 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,235 Yeah, she kinda is. 273 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,071 It's like evolution, you know? 274 00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:48,842 He is to you as you are to me as I am to a howler monkey. 275 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,243 That doesn't make me feel better. 276 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,345 How do you think it makes me feel? 277 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,114 You think she's sleeping with him? 278 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,448 You kidding? 279 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,118 I'm surprised they made it to the movies. 280 00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,220 (sighs): Oh, God. 281 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,923 Well, which raises a certain question. 282 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:07,394 Um, your wife clearly attracts some extraordinary men. 283 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,796 Of course she does. 284 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:09,797 Look at her. 285 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,099 I have. 286 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,435 Which brings me to the question. 287 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:19,807 Uh, does she have some sort of special powers? 288 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,541 You know, sexually? 289 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,243 What do you mean? 290 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,545 All right, I'll just come straight out and say it. 291 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,415 Does she have a magic vagina? 292 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,451 Like, can you pull a rabbit out of it? 293 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,521 Never mind. 294 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:37,257 * Men. 295 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,059 In retrospect, maybe that wasn't the best movie 296 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,260 to see under the circumstances. 297 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,895 Are you kidding me? It was perfect. 298 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,531 Boy meets girl, boy loses girl to a better guy, 299 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,834 boy kills himself. 300 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,869 Still, you got to love Sandra Bullock. 301 00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,038 Here, take my keys. Why? 302 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,240 'Cause I'm going to get dirty, stinking drunk. 303 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,274 Appletini. 304 00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,910 Twice. 305 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,979 Two beers. 306 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,883 Whoa. 307 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,051 Check it out. 308 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,386 What? 309 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:10,257 Who's that remind you of? 310 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,327 Harry Potter? 311 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,930 Bridget. 312 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:19,867 Maybe a little. So? 313 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:20,934 So it's a sign. 314 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:21,935 Of what? 315 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,203 I don't know. 316 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,571 But I'm going to find out. 317 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,007 Hi, I'm Walden. 318 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,541 Danny. 319 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,610 Danny? 320 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,312 Short for Danielle. 321 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,347 My father wanted a girl. 322 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,583 It's nice to meet you, Danny. 323 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,185 Let me save you some trouble. 324 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,953 I'm here with somebody. 325 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,521 Oh, yeah, of course. 326 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,590 A beautiful girl like you. 327 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,425 Bathroom's disgusting. 328 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:48,195 I had to do the squat and hover. 329 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,864 At least you're not peeing in a trough 330 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:52,532 with looky-loos on either side. 331 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,101 I'm Alan. 332 00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:55,335 Kiki. 333 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,603 Oh, Kiki. 334 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:57,637 Short for... 335 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,573 K-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki. 336 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:04,344 Obviously, I'm gonna have to spell it out for you guys. 337 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,348 Oh. Yeah, that certainly clears things up. 338 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,518 What, you thought we were hitting on you? 339 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,554 Maybe I have to spell it out for you. 340 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,060 See? 341 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,528 My apologies. 342 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,497 I should've known by looking at... him. 343 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,634 Uh, what was that about? 344 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,002 Just work with me. 345 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,503 Still want to buy our drinks? 346 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,538 Uh, sure. 347 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:32,605 Cheers. 348 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,141 Cheers. Cheers. 349 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,576 We're here, we're queer, get used to it. 350 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,212 * Men. 351 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,015 (gasps) 352 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,217 Oh, man, check this out. 353 00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,920 Did you buy it together? 354 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,021 Oh, I wish. 355 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,556 Mr. Moneybags bought it. 356 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,491 I just make it a home. 357 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,295 Come on, Alan, let's go get our guests a cocktail. 358 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,896 (chuckles): No offense. 359 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,570 (chuckles): Oh, cocktail. 360 00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,606 All right, what's the plan? 361 00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,041 We gonna try and get them blind drunk 362 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,242 and then flip them over to our team? 363 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:10,277 What? No. 364 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,378 Don't worry, I'll take Danny. 365 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,946 You can have the hot one. 366 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,182 Well, first of all, Danny is the hot one. 367 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,552 And second of all, I'm not trying to flip anybody. 368 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,321 So what was kissing me about? 369 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,655 I like her. 370 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,457 And I want her to feel comfortable 371 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,658 being around us. 372 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,327 So you used me. 373 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:30,630 Oh, come on, Alan. 374 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:31,731 She reminds me of Bridget. 375 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,066 Just help me out here. 376 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,367 Fine. 377 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,270 Oh, and I'm sorry about kissing you. 378 00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,405 No, it's all right. 379 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,973 If a man's gonna kiss me, 380 00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,009 I prefer he looks like the Son of God. 381 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,576 Thank you. 382 00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:48,081 Now, are we gonna do this? 383 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,083 I can't quit you. 384 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,588 * Men. 385 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,657 So when did you realize you were gay? 386 00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:01,228 Oh, boy, that's a toughie. 387 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,564 Uh... I guess my first hint 388 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,334 was when I was, like, five or six years old. 389 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,203 I used to make my G.I. Joe dolls 390 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,472 touch each other inappropriately. 391 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,175 I used the horn from my toy unicorn 392 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:17,710 to make a strap-on for my Barbie. 393 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,548 Mom was not happy. 394 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,450 So when did you come out? 395 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,352 It was later. 396 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,487 Uh, I was actually married. 397 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,656 Ooh, I bet that didn't end well. 398 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,758 No. 399 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,127 But I still love her. 400 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:38,798 Even though, you know, I'm playing for Team Penis now. 401 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,733 I am. 402 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:45,138 So, girlfriend, scale of one to ten, 403 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,507 exactly how gay are you? 404 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,143 I don't understand. 405 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,779 Well, you know, one being "love the one you're with," 406 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,815 and ten being "touch me with that thing and I'll cut it off." 407 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,285 Oh. 408 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:01,088 I still don't understand. 409 00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,290 Are you exclusively with girls? 410 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,692 Oh, no. I like guys, too, sometimes. 411 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:06,693 Oh. (chuckles) 412 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,161 What a coincidence. 413 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,696 I happen to swing both ways as well. 414 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:10,797 Really? 415 00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,632 You don't look like it. 416 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,371 So how'd your wife react when you told her you were gay? 417 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,773 She was very understanding. 418 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:21,708 Very supportive. 419 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:22,709 That's nice. 420 00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,577 Did I tell you we were 421 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,678 high school sweethearts? 422 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,680 Couple of times. 423 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,851 She was the love of my life. 424 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,386 What about Alan? 425 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,222 Oh. 426 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:39,259 Yeah, you know, I-I... love him. 427 00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,298 Ah, God, I can't do this anymore. 428 00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,633 I'm on Team Vagina. 429 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,335 What? 430 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:51,204 I miss my wife, and I wanted to hang out with you 431 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,705 because you remind me of her. 432 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,308 Really? 433 00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,110 I'm sorry I lied to you. 434 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,884 It's okay. 435 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:08,488 Come here, you poor baby. 436 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,758 Don't even think about it, slick. 437 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,561 Sorry. I'm sorry. 438 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:19,232 So, if you're not gay, what's the deal with Alan? 439 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,234 I'm not sure. 440 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,702 He claims to be straight, 441 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:25,672 but his lips opened a little when I kissed him. 442 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:30,210 Look at me, I'm kissing a girl. 443 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,311 You're kissing my girl! 444 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,579 Oh! 445 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,514 Oh, yeah, yuck. 446 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,515 (screams) WALDEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. 447 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:36,549 Whoa, whoa. 448 00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:37,750 All right, calm down. 449 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,519 You can tell him he can stop acting gay. 450 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,520 I'm not acting! 451 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,455 You really hit me hard. 452 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,324 I'm sorry. Let me see. 453 00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,525 (screams) 454 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,626 Okay, that was uncalled for. 455 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,495 How could you?! I'm sorry. 456 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,930 Don't blame her. I mean, it was really... (screams) 457 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,233 Come on. 458 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,401 Bye, Walden. 459 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,403 Bye, Danny. Bye, Kiki. 460 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,837 You have a really lovely home. 461 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,875 Are you okay? 462 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,945 Well, I think she broke my nose, 463 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,516 but I almost turned a lesbian, so... 464 00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,818 I'm gonna count it as a win. 465 00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,253 Attaboy. 466 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,288 * Men. 467 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,733 This was a nice idea. 468 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,735 I'm just trying to cheer you up. 469 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:32,439 After all, you did get your ass kicked by a girl. 470 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,708 Well, jury's out that it was a "girl." 471 00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:39,946 Uh, Walden, I-I've got a confession to make. 472 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:43,683 Listen, I know you didn't really forget your wallet. 473 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,618 Oh. 474 00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:48,921 Okay, then I guess I have two confessions to make. 475 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:53,226 Um, the other one is that I-I've been a very selfish man. 476 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,794 How so? 477 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,663 Well, when you told me you wanted to move to New York, 478 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,897 the only thing I could think about 479 00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,499 was me losing a great place to live. 480 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,901 I was totally oblivious to your feelings. 481 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,770 Don't worry about it. 482 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,438 No, no, no, I need to say this. 483 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:08,375 You know, you're a great guy and you deserve to be happy. 484 00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:11,911 And if you have to move, I'd understand. 485 00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:14,714 But, uh, I want you to know 486 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,517 I-I'd really, really miss you. 487 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:21,421 I'd miss you, too. 488 00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:22,989 But I'm not going anywhere. 489 00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,657 Oh, you're not? 490 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,993 Nah, the shrink's right. 491 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:30,797 My problems are gonna follow me wherever I go. 492 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:34,601 Besides... how could I leave my best friend? 493 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,803 (chuckles) 494 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,838 Aw... 495 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,480 I'm the luckiest guy in the world. 496 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,752 Told you. 497 00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:55,455 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 498 00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,457 The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta. It's great, for the price of good. That's das auto. 499 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:03,796 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org