1 00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,237 * Men. 2 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,108 Ready, sweetheart? 3 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,676 LYNDSEY: Almost. 4 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:11,612 Okay. 5 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,014 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. 6 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:18,186 (belches) 7 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,089 Oh, dinner's sitting a little heavy. 8 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,157 Well, maybe I can help you work it off. 9 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:24,892 Yeah, about that-- 10 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,761 honey, would you mind terribly if we just go to sleep? 11 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:29,630 I'm so full and bloated from that dinner, 12 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,865 it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon. 13 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,902 Can we not call it a pin? 14 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,570 I'm sorry. 15 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,539 I just don't think I'd enjoy sex tonight. 16 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,040 Since when is that a requirement? 17 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,842 (chuckling) 18 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:42,943 But seriously, it's fine. 19 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,578 It's no problem. 20 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,013 Thank you. 21 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,716 Ugh. 22 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,919 Well, actually, it is a little bit of problem. 23 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,187 What's that? 24 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:56,524 Well, uh, based on past history-- 25 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:59,993 um, expensive dinner, drinks, valet parking-- 26 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,929 um, I thought 27 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,831 we would probably be fooling around tonight. 28 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,066 Uh, and-and-and with that in mind, 29 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:09,537 uh, about 20 minutes ago, I popped a little blue pill 30 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,273 to ensure that, uh, 31 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,208 when you were ready, so was I. 32 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:17,545 Of course, uh, now I'm ready and you're not, 33 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:21,014 a situation they didn't really cover in those commercials. 34 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,284 Oh, Alan. 35 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:24,752 No, that's okay. It's okay. 36 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,588 It's just kind of a shame to waste them. 37 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:30,124 I mean, they-they are kind of pricey, 38 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,161 even if they're expired ones from Mexico. 39 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:36,564 If I give you $20, will you let me go to sleep? 40 00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,300 Oh, don't be silly. 41 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,035 I don't want your money. (sighs) 42 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,205 But there are... 43 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,740 other ways you could reimburse me 44 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:49,677 that wouldn't require a lot of effort on your part. 45 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,753 Should've taken the 20 bucks. 46 00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,292 ALAN: Oh, hey. 47 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,727 Oh, hey, Alan. 48 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,066 Want some whiskey? 49 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,768 I thought you didn't like to drink. 50 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,103 I don't. 51 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,239 I'm trying to learn. 52 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,973 (groans) 53 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,777 I'm getting better. 54 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,045 Is this about your ex-wife? 55 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,079 No. Walden. 56 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,114 Maybe. Walden. 57 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:28,282 Yes. 58 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,219 (groans) 59 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,386 All right, all right. 60 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:33,987 Listen to me. 61 00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,290 Alcohol is just a bandage for your problems. 62 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,658 And I know this 63 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,893 because I used to live with the Mummy. 64 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,396 Uh... come on. 65 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:44,097 We, uh... we got to get your mind off of her. 66 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,933 Let's, uh... let's watch some TV. 67 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,134 (sighs) 68 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,902 Bridget and I used to watch TV. 69 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,004 That's the spirit. 70 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,974 Okay, let's see what's on. 71 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,976 Oh. (chuckles) 72 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:58,178 Cinnamon's Buns. 73 00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:02,149 "A medieval wench falls for a bawdy baker. 74 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,984 Adult. 1992." 75 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,420 Ooh, a selection from the classic era 76 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,789 of soft-core cable porn. 77 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:12,926 Or what I like to call the winter bush years. 78 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,396 I haven't watched much porn since college. 79 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,130 Yeah, me, neither. 80 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,700 When I see it now, I just feel bad for the girls. 81 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,303 Yeah, yeah, somebody's daughter. Shh. 82 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,372 MAN (over TV): Are you ready to learn my craft? 83 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,974 Of course, Master Baker. 84 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,109 I am entirely in your hands. 85 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,045 This is not historically accurate. 86 00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:36,750 Medieval bakers did not dress like Chef Boyardee. 87 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,887 Don't need the DVD commentary here. 88 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,154 Sorry. 89 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,423 BAKER: Now, Cinnamon, 90 00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,825 take my frosting bag. 91 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,026 It's so big. 92 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,195 I can barely get my hand around it. 93 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,431 Use both hands, m'lady. 94 00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:53,033 It's well written. 95 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,402 Like this? 96 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,169 Now, squeeze, 97 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,139 and anoint thy muffins with my frosting. 98 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,311 Boy, she looks familiar. 99 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,912 Yeah, she does. 100 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,780 If I wasn't here, would you be masturbating? 101 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:11,285 You kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich. 102 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:14,087 Master Baker, whatever are you doing? 103 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:17,257 I'm going to put my loaf in your oven. 104 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,860 (chuckling) 105 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,895 That's clever. 106 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,364 I don't know. 107 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,466 She looks like a younger version of your girlfriend. 108 00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:27,335 Lyndsey? Uh-huh. 109 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,337 Oh, nah. 110 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:33,173 WOMAN: Oh, oh, you're so masterful! 111 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,175 Kind of sounds like her, too. 112 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,745 Maybe. 113 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,212 Although I can't say I've ever heard Lyndsey 114 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,081 use that particular phrase. 115 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,451 WOMAN: Don't stop! I can't get enough! 116 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,486 Or that one. 117 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:49,423 Maybe if I heard her say, "Damn it, get off my hair." 118 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,226 I don't know, Alan. 119 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,162 I think that's your girlfriend. 120 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,030 No, no. 121 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,333 WOMAN: Yes! Yes! 122 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,868 No. No. 123 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,070 Yes! Yes! 124 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,406 Oh, God! Oh, God! 125 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,875 Oh, God! 126 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,178 Boy, she's not very convincing. 127 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,313 It is Lyndsey. 128 00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:15,182 Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and masturbate. 129 00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,484 Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 130 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,285 You're... you're going to go 131 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,253 pleasure yourself while you're thinking about my girlfriend? 132 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,489 No, that'd be creepy. 133 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:22,890 I'm going to go pleasure myself 134 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,358 while I'm thinking about my wife. 135 00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,794 Wait. Your... your wife? Seriously? 136 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,396 Yeah, what can I say? I love Bridget, 137 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,464 and I think she's the sexiest woman in the whole world. 138 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,833 Uh, you never fantasize about anybody else? 139 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,102 Mmm, sometimes I imagine she's twins. 140 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,937 Boo-ya! 141 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,510 I never even thought of my wife 142 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:45,112 when I was actually having sex with my wife. 143 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:49,316 LYNDSEY (over TV): Oh, Master Baker! 144 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,986 Boy, she never let me do that to her. 145 00:05:56,490 --> 00:06:00,093 Until now. 146 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,130 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 147 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:06,366 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 148 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:10,003 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 149 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,072 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... * 150 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,408 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 151 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:18,178 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 152 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:21,482 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 153 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,591 * Men. 154 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,793 How's your day looking? Busy? 155 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,095 Yeah. Busy. 156 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,297 Look, I'm sorry about last night. 157 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,800 It's okay. I did offer this morning. 158 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,169 Can't expect me to turn on like a light switch 159 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,737 whenever the whim strikes you. 160 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,107 I'm not just a piece of meat, you know. 161 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,476 You're kidding, right? 162 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,343 In the entire time I've known you, 163 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,546 you've never once passed up an opportunity for sex. 164 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:56,817 So as not to hurt your feelings, sometimes my mouth says, "Yes," 165 00:06:56,884 --> 00:07:00,721 when my soul is screaming, "No." 166 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,623 Oh, please! 167 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,792 I can't even bend over to take off my shoes 168 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,226 without you trying to mount me. 169 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,195 Hey, hey, that was an accident. 170 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,430 I was trying to walk and text. 171 00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:14,334 You were texting, "Here comes Mr. Pokey." 172 00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,368 Morning. 173 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,369 Morning. Morning. 174 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,370 We'll talk later. 175 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,572 About Mr. Pokey? 176 00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,141 I was speaking to Lyndsey. 177 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,711 Sounds like a short conversation. 178 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,648 I should have my own talk show. 179 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,116 Okay. 180 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,383 I've got to get to work. 181 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,485 I'll call you later? 182 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,753 If you want. (sighs) 183 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,154 Bye, Berta. 184 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,789 You're an attractive woman. 185 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,891 You don't have to settle. 186 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,794 I mean, bye! 187 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,764 So, trouble in paradise? 188 00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,533 Why on Earth do you think 189 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,200 I would share my problems with you? 190 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,602 Oh, come on. 191 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,671 I may tease you now and then, but that doesn't mean 192 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,806 that I don't care about you as a human being. 193 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,878 All right. 194 00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,613 What do you do when you're in 195 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,615 a relationship with someone and, you know, 196 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:02,816 like all relationships, it... 197 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,685 it has its ups and downs, but... 198 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:07,320 generally, things are going pretty good 199 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,822 until one day you discover 200 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,225 that they are not at all who you thought they were? 201 00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,628 And you don't know whether to confront them about it or... 202 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,229 or pretend you don't know, 203 00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,632 because the idea of being alone is worse 204 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,569 than being with someone who's deceived you. 205 00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,373 Berta? 206 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,175 Hello? 207 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,910 BERTA: Turns out I don't care. 208 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,682 Morning. 209 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:35,783 Morning. 210 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,450 Hey, I was thinking 211 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,319 about your girlfriend's porno movie. 212 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,254 Me, too. What about it? 213 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,455 I want to learn to bake. 214 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,693 What? 215 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,460 I think it'd be fun. 216 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,699 You know, cookies and cupcakes, pie, bread. 217 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,201 That's what you took from watching two people 218 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,936 get it on in a 16th century kitchen? 219 00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,638 Well, I already know how to have sex. 220 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,206 How do you make buttermilk biscuits? 221 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,608 There's a mystery. 222 00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,243 * Men. 223 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,578 (knock at door) 224 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,314 Hey. 225 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,682 We need to talk. 226 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,383 Is everything okay? 227 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,485 Not really. Can I come in? 228 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,621 Sure. 229 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,357 What's going on? 230 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:18,892 Okay, I don't know how to say this 231 00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,493 except just to say it. 232 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,995 Oh, God, are you still upset 233 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,764 about not getting laid last night? 234 00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,967 I'm still upset about not getting laid in high school. 235 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,437 But that's not what I want to talk about. 236 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,706 Um, last night, after you went to sleep, 237 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,943 I turned on the TV and stumbled on 238 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,612 a little motion picture you appeared in. 239 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,781 (sighs) 240 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,916 You saw Cinnamon's Buns. 241 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:46,854 I saw Cinnamon's buns. I saw Cinnamon's boobs. 242 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,689 I saw the little birthmark 243 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,891 on the inside of Cinnamon's thigh. 244 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,425 Oh, God. 245 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,794 I mean, one minute I-I'm dating 246 00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,295 a soccer mom from Sherman Oaks, 247 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,597 and the next minute a porn star on Cinemax. 248 00:09:58,632 --> 00:09:59,767 I'm not a porn star. 249 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,034 It was a little nudity. 250 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,302 And simulated sex. 251 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,370 Most of it. 252 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,940 Mo-most of it? 253 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,042 It was 20 years ago, Alan. 254 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,044 I-I was young, stupid and needed the money. 255 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,412 Well, why didn't you tell me about it? 256 00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,747 Oh, yeah, right. Who wouldn't be 257 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,448 looking forward to this conversation? 258 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,885 Well, I... I just feel like such an idiot. 259 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,753 You feel like an idiot? 260 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,690 That casting director said he could get me on Melrose Place. 261 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,428 I'm sorry. 262 00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:29,963 I should have told you. 263 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,499 Any other secrets you'd like to share with me? 264 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,967 Wait a second. 265 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,568 That's a two-way street. 266 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,637 Do you have any secrets you want to tell me? 267 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,339 Me? I'm an open book. 268 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,674 Great. Chapter one. 269 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,442 What have you done that you're ashamed of 270 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,911 and don't want anyone to know about? 271 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,449 All right. 272 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:53,320 Um... when I was a little boy, 273 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,724 um, we had a dog named Rusty, 274 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,827 um, who loved peanut butter, 275 00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,962 and, uh, 276 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,798 my brother, uh, convinced me 277 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,500 that the best way to feed him, uh, 278 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,003 was to, uh, uh, smear it on my testicles. 279 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,405 Um... 280 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,475 No surprise, that dog got very, very fat. 281 00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,110 Um... 282 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,813 * Men. 283 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,816 So, long story short, I kissed the guy. 284 00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,987 Because, you know, how else would I know 285 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,655 whether or not I was gay? 286 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:31,759 What did you decide? 287 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,693 Well, I may love Broadway musicals 288 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,629 and have an eye for fashion, but that's where it stops. 289 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,631 Okay. 290 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,400 Let's recap the highlights. 291 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:43,804 You embezzled money from your family, 292 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,638 you cheated on me with an old girlfriend, 293 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,107 Mm-hmm. you might be the father 294 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,942 of Judith and Herb's baby, 295 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,978 you didn't tell your late brother that the woman 296 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,846 he was chasing was married to a mannequin 297 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:55,115 because she gave you $50,000 to keep it a secret. 298 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,684 And to top it all off, 299 00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:00,687 you gave the family dog type 2 diabetes. 300 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,924 Oh, wait, one more thing. 301 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,593 Those diamond earrings I got you for your birthday last year... 302 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,461 Let me guess. They're not real. 303 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,863 Oh, no, they're real. 304 00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,632 Uh, it's just, I kind of stole them from my ex-wife. 305 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:19,139 You know, it really feels good to get all this off my chest. 306 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,074 Okay, now your turn. 307 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,949 Probably shouldn't have gone first. 308 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:31,018 * Men. 309 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,457 * Men. 310 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:40,994 (both laughing) 311 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:44,865 I'm so glad I learned to bake. 312 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,135 (laughing) 313 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,338 I'm so glad I'm baked. 314 00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,807 (both laughing) 315 00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:56,709 Hey. 316 00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:58,979 What are you doing? 317 00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:01,882 Oh... I'm baking brownies 318 00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,918 and Berta is making my head into a dreamcatcher. 319 00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,122 I'm guessing it was Berta's recipe. 320 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,291 It was! 321 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:15,795 But I did the baking, because I am a master baker now. 322 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,164 (laughing) 323 00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:19,732 That was funny. 324 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,169 You should be a guest on my talk show. 325 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,037 I'm in. 326 00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:27,274 Well, I have done something incredibly stupid. 327 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,376 (whispers): Whatever you do, don't say "what?" 328 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,243 What? 329 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,245 Lyndsey and I split up. 330 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,048 Oh, no. What happened? 331 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,918 Well, I made the mistake 332 00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,819 of thinking honesty is the best policy. 333 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,388 It is a good policy. 334 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:44,391 You know, another good policy? 335 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,159 Give a hoot, don't pollute. 336 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:54,801 Zippy, the only time in this world 337 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,769 you want to be completely honest 338 00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,273 is when the paramedics ask, "What did you take?" 339 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:05,112 Two brownies and a peach Snapple. 340 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,147 (laughing) 341 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,748 Snapple. 342 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,384 Snapple. 343 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,386 Okay. 344 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:16,990 Well, it's been real nice talking at the two of you. 345 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,358 Where you going? 346 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,427 Uh, I need a little time to be alone. 347 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,029 Okay. 348 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,231 G'bye-bye! 349 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:32,339 Man, it is hard when the person you love doesn't love you back. 350 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:35,242 You don't have to love me. 351 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,310 What? 352 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,413 You heard me, Mr. Master Baker. 353 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,250 (both laughing) 354 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,385 * Men. 355 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,386 Hi, Lyndsey. 356 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,854 Uh, it's me again. 357 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,123 Um, you don't have to call me back, 358 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,026 but I just want you to know that the only reason 359 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,761 that I was so honest with you 360 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:58,065 is because I care about you and I trust you. 361 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:01,534 And a lot of those things I've never told anybody, 362 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,938 and I'd appreciate it if you didn't, either. 363 00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:07,040 Um... 364 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:10,877 Especially the peanut butter and the dog. 365 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,914 I got enough problems without the ASPCA on my ass. 366 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:18,785 Um, anyway, I-I love you and I miss you, 367 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:21,021 and I'm-I'm sorry I made such a big deal 368 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:24,091 about your film career. 369 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,159 And for what it's worth, 370 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:29,963 um, I got a really big kick out of seeing your original breasts. 371 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,367 Okay. Bye-bye. 372 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:42,275 Oh, she's gonna take that last part wrong. 373 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,077 WALDEN: Hey, Alan, come here quick! 374 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,145 Hurry! 375 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:50,417 Oh, what fresh hell is this? 376 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,655 ALL: Surprise! 377 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,824 What's... what's going on? 378 00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,692 It's a party to cheer you up. 379 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,463 Hey, Alan, say hello to 380 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,665 the Malibu College beach volleyball team. 381 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:06,733 WOMEN: Hi! 382 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:10,337 Hello. 383 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,739 Here, Alan, have a brownie. 384 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,143 They're mmm-mmm good. 385 00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,445 Gee, Walden, I really appreciate this, 386 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,647 but it's a little soon for me to be partying. 387 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,682 I'm still hurting over Lyndsey. 388 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:26,386 But what am I gonna do with all these incredibly hot girls 389 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,188 in bikinis that are in the process 390 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,390 of getting stoned out of their minds? 391 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,626 You're right, I'm being thoughtless. 392 00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,728 Alan's here! 393 00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,597 * Men. 394 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,699 (pop music playing) 395 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,968 (women giggling) 396 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,641 Do I look delicious? 397 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,343 'Cause I feel delicious. 398 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,080 (laughter) 399 00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:54,714 Hey, Zip, I'm home. 400 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,049 Where you been? 401 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,685 Not a clue. 402 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:10,163 Whoa, I just saw a giant cat holding a churro. 403 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,100 (doorbell rings) 404 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,569 If that's a giant mouse, he's in big trouble. 405 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,211 Hey, it's Cinnamon! 406 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,479 Oh, God, you saw it, too? 407 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,448 Yeah, just a little. 408 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,650 Then I went upstairs to masturbate. 409 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,019 Terrific. 410 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,354 Is Alan here? 411 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,657 Um... 412 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,326 I don't think so. 413 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,362 Let me check. 414 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,541 You said Alan, right? 415 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,143 Right. 416 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,610 Hold on. 417 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,548 All right, all right. 418 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,816 Ladies, have you got your spoons? 419 00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,486 Well, get rid of them. 420 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:07,754 We are eating freestyle! 421 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,157 (laughter) 422 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,358 Uh, excuse me. 423 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,492 Wait. Hey. Whoa! 424 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,127 Hey, what are you doing? 425 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,762 You'll thank me later. 426 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,130 I can fly! 427 00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,531 (dull thud) Oh! 428 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,300 No, I can't. 429 00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:32,279 You said Alan, right? 430 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:33,846 Right. 431 00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,448 He's not here. 432 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,717 Are you having some sort of a party in there? 433 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,087 Oh, no, it's just a bunch of stoned girls dancing. 434 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,691 G'bye-bye! 435 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,759 Works better with an oven mitt. 436 00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,035 Walden! 437 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,971 Oh, hey, Alan. 438 00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,407 You look ucky. 439 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,142 Was that Lyndsey? 440 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,278 Yeah. I told her you were not here. 441 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:08,548 I was not here because you threw me off the deck. 442 00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:12,285 No, I threw you off the deck so you would not be here. 443 00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:16,423 Wouldn't it have been easier to just skip the throwing 444 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,991 and tell her I'm not here? 445 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:19,992 (chuckles) 446 00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:23,029 Next time. 447 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,031 Oh! Hey. 448 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,099 Great news, we got a cat. 449 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,168 * Men. 450 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,106 * Men. 451 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,008 So I thought about it, and I decided 452 00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:38,478 that I really can't fault you for opening up to me. 453 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,614 I mean, every good relationship has got to be based on honesty. 454 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,650 Well, I'm glad you feel that way. 455 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:47,220 By the way, where were you when I came over to the house? 456 00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:51,258 Well... honesty, right? 457 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:52,525 (chuckles): Right. 458 00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,399 I'm such a schmuck! 459 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:02,101 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 460 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,404 The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta. It's great, for the price of good. That's das auto.