1 00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:04,672 Previously on Two and a Half Men: I don't want to get a divorce. 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,640 Why we got to get a divorce? 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:07,941 Because I have grown up 4 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,044 and you are still the same guy you were at 19. 5 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,112 No, that is not true. 6 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,313 I got a lot more money now. 7 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,915 Not about what you have; it's about who you are. 8 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,217 Oh. 9 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:19,087 Well, I'm pretty much the same guy. 10 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:20,588 Great news, Alan. 11 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:23,191 Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper. 12 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,059 Yeah, he talked me into it. 13 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:28,096 I wonder what his sweat tastes like. 14 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,263 Time for me to go. 15 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,831 Wait. 16 00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,100 Come here. 17 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,601 Give us a hug good-bye. 18 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,571 I'm taking your room, Zippy. 19 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,540 You saved my butt back there. 20 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:40,708 I owe you big time. 21 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:41,709 If there is anything that you need, 22 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,144 any way I can help you... 23 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,913 Well, really uncomfortable living at my mom's. 24 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:48,549 Um, do you think I could stay here for a few days 25 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:49,850 till I find my own place? 26 00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,152 Yeah, no problem. 27 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,225 I'm back. 28 00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,094 Hello, room. 29 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,263 Did you miss me? 30 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,997 Whoa! Whoa! 31 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,999 What the hell are you doing here? 32 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,336 I live here. What the hell are you doing here? 33 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,604 Um, see, Berta's got my room now, so... 34 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:11,772 No. Yes. 35 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,006 No. It's just temporary. 36 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,075 I'm not sleeping with my dad. 37 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,944 What are we going to do, sleep on the same bed? 38 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,846 No, I'll get the air mattress out of the garage. 39 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,047 That you'll sleep on. No. 40 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,715 Yes. Yes! No. 41 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,952 (air hissing) 42 00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,624 * Men. 43 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:33,961 Good morning. 44 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,062 Morning. 45 00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:36,197 Where you been? 46 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,931 Little power walk on the beach. 47 00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,800 Got to tell you, Zip, 48 00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:41,802 I can see why your brother couldn't get you 49 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,871 out of this house with the jaws of life. 50 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,674 Malibu is the greatest place 51 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,176 to wake up in the morning. 52 00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:51,345 I'm glad you're enjoying my room. 53 00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,681 Alan, I say this with love. 54 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,316 It was never your room. 55 00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,352 Morning. 56 00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,888 Ah... did I miss our power walk? 57 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,356 I tried to cuddle you awake, 58 00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,891 but you weren't interested. Oh. 59 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,329 So, Alan, how's the house hunting coming? 60 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,764 Oh, still looking. Uh, not a lot available. 61 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:13,033 Maybe that's 'cause you're looking in the sports section. 62 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,136 Well, don't worry. 63 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,771 You can stay here as long as you need to. 64 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:18,806 Aw! 65 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,674 Oh, just a... a few more days. 66 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,009 Maybe a week tops. 67 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,077 Aw. 68 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,847 Hey, uh, listen, Walden, um, while I am here, 69 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,282 I was wondering how you would feel 70 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,850 about me having an overnight guest. 71 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,051 Aw. 72 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,755 I thought you were the overnight guest. 73 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,724 (laughing) 74 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,227 Your wit is only exceeded by your generosity. 75 00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,094 Um, the thing is, 76 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,663 I'm having dinner tonight with this woman 77 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,198 I used to be in a relationship with. 78 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,400 And I don't know how things are going to play out, 79 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,203 but if they go well, I'd like to bring her back here 80 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,205 and, uh, you know... 81 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:53,073 reconcile. 82 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,843 Is she homeless, too? 83 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,145 Oh, oh, no, no, it-it's just that she has a teenage son, 84 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:02,149 and I'm not really keen on him hearing us, you know... 85 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,184 reconcile. 86 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,721 But it's okay for me to hear you? 87 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,690 Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet. 88 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,924 And quick. 89 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,462 It's true. That's why she calls me Zippy. 90 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,464 I guess it's okay. 91 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,367 I sure wish I could reconcile with Bridget. 92 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,869 Oh, give her some time. 93 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,937 Took Lyndsey months to forgive me. 94 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,373 What'd she have to forgive you for? 95 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,175 Oh... I, uh... I called her a slut 96 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:31,144 because, uh, I thought she was sleeping with my brother, 97 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,781 uh, and I, uh... I accidentally burned down her house. 98 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,817 Well, not in that order. 99 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,120 Anyway, thanks so much. 100 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:42,790 He is going to move out at some point, right? 101 00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:45,092 You are so cute. 102 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,264 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 103 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,767 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 104 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:57,305 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 105 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,072 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... * 106 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,875 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 107 00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:05,779 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 108 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:08,349 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 109 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,859 I was so sorry to hear about your brother. 110 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,294 Yeah, yeah, very sad. 111 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,962 He fell in front of a train? 112 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,965 Uh, fell, pushed, jumped. 113 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,336 Whatever the verb, the end result was Charlie tartare. 114 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,271 That's horrible. 115 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,773 Yeah. 116 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,842 And we had to sell the house in Malibu. 117 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:35,876 So where are you living? 118 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,277 The house in Malibu. 119 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:38,979 Wait, what? 120 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,180 Oh, it's actually a funny story. 121 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,649 Um, the fellow who bought it 122 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,950 is this incredibly rich Internet guy 123 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,318 who's going through a bad divorce, 124 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,953 and he's lonely, he needs a friend, 125 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,221 so he asked me to stick around for a while. 126 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,159 What's the funny part? 127 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:55,796 He actually thinks I'm going to leave someday. 128 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,998 So, uh, how's things? How's Eldridge? 129 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:01,068 Let's not ruin the evening by talking about our children. 130 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,703 (chuckles) Agreed. 131 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,906 I have missed you. 132 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,307 I've missed you, too. 133 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,610 Can you ever forgive me for being such an idiot? 134 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:10,811 Let's not ruin the evening 135 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,680 by talking about what an idiot you were. 136 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,848 Good idea. 137 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:18,085 You know, I haven't slept with anybody since we broke up. 138 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,653 How about you? 139 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:24,792 You know what? 140 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,094 Let's not ruin the evening by talking. 141 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,731 * Men. 142 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,132 (knock at door) 143 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,134 I got it. 144 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:41,208 Hello, little girl. 145 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:42,976 Hi, big daddy. You got everything? 146 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,378 Hell, yeah. 147 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,080 Beer, bucket of drumsticks 148 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,349 and nine magic fingers. 149 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,651 (both laughing) 150 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,853 Let's go. 151 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,287 Uh, Berta? 152 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,356 What's going on? 153 00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:57,758 What's it look like? 154 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,259 I'm going to get drunk, eat some chicken 155 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:00,994 and rock this old man's world. 156 00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,930 (laughing) 157 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:08,135 I got ten fingers and a billion dollars, 158 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,071 and this guy's getting more action than me. 159 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,241 (chiming) 160 00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,079 What now, Walden? 161 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,715 Nothing. I just wanted to say hi. 162 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,851 (sighs) Sweetheart, listen to me. 163 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,218 We're getting divorced. 164 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,020 You need to get some friends, get a life. 165 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,022 I don't want friends. I don't want a life. 166 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,758 I just want you. 167 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,359 What... what are you doing anyway? 168 00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,762 Why... why are those people wearing masks? 169 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:38,966 I'm at a charity event for people without faces. 170 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,769 Are you at an orgy? 171 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,036 An orgy? 172 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,237 Don't be ridiculous. 173 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,839 What kind of charity has an orgy? 174 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,141 Bye. 175 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,278 BERTA: You know, a real gentleman 176 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,247 would've taken his poop before he came over. 177 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,851 (both giggling) 178 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,961 Hello! 179 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,097 Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't know you were still up. 180 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,466 You must be Walden. I'm Lyndsey. 181 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,267 Oh. Hi. 182 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,836 Okay, uh, everybody's met. 183 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,471 Time to hit the old sackaroo. 184 00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:20,073 Don't be rude, Alan. 185 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:23,076 So, I understand you're going through a tough divorce. 186 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,845 Yeah, it's tough for me. 187 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:28,148 She's breezing through it with naked, faceless people. 188 00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,918 Have you guys tried to work things out, go to therapy? 189 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,419 I offered. She's not interested. 190 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,087 Well, that's all you can do-- make the offer. 191 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,489 Lyndsey? 192 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,357 Hang on. 193 00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:39,326 So what, you're just sitting around 194 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,228 feeling sorry for yourself? 195 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,030 No. Sometimes I lay down. 196 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,298 Sometimes I curl up in a ball. 197 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,367 See, he's fine. 198 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,504 Listen to me. 199 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,405 We just met, we don't know each other, 200 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,842 but you obviously have a lot going for you. 201 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,376 You're tall, good-looking, 202 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:57,945 very successful. 203 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,447 Believe me, women settle for a lot less. 204 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,483 And thank God for that. 205 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,953 You need to get out there and find somebody 206 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,088 who appreciates all that you have to offer. 207 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,890 I don't want anybody else. 208 00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,392 That's just because you haven't found that special someone. 209 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:15,863 Believe me, somewhere out there is the perfect girl for you. 210 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,364 Who knows? 211 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,200 She could be sitting right in front of you. 212 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,804 Gee, I'd like to believe that. 213 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,005 So would I. 214 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,408 You know... you know, Lyndsey's right. 215 00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,343 You need to go out and find Ms. Right. 216 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,013 I mean, in fact, you should get started immediately. 217 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,314 Now? 218 00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,850 No, I was just gonna curl up in a ball. 219 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,820 Oh, come on. There's a great, big, wide world out there 220 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,155 full of beautiful, exciting, sexy people. 221 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,024 Where am I going to find them, a bar? 222 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,358 I am not going to a bar. 223 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,459 Hey, if you're looking for honey, 224 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,861 you got to go where the bees are. 225 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:48,862 (buzzing) 226 00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,097 Forget it. 227 00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,132 I am not going to a bar. 228 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,366 Hey, slick. 229 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,404 Where do you keep the plunger? 230 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,508 I am going to a bar. 231 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,382 * Men. 232 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,018 (both panting) 233 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,319 Whoa. 234 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,521 Hi-ho, Silver. 235 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,456 I didn't hurt you, did I? 236 00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:19,492 A little, but I only need the one ball. 237 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,333 Boy, you really seemed like a different woman. 238 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,568 Well, you seemed like a different man. 239 00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,037 (knock at door) 240 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,338 WALDEN: Hey, Alan? 241 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,473 Speak of the devil. 242 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,943 Hey. Am I interrupting? 243 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,212 No. Come in. 244 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,481 I just wanted to tell you that I found her. 245 00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,016 Found who? 246 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,584 Ms. Right. 247 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,286 Really? 248 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:49,623 At a bar at... 12:30 on a Wednesday night? 249 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,426 Is she on a leash? 250 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,996 Woof. 251 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,200 * Men. 252 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:06,539 (Walden and Courtney grunting and moaning) 253 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,613 Isn't that the girl who almost married your brother? 254 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:14,882 Yep. 255 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,549 Didn't she go to jail 256 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,485 for being some kind of con artist? 257 00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:19,552 Yep. 258 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,854 Doesn't it strike you 259 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,389 as an amazing coincidence 260 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,024 that she just ran into Walden? 261 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,959 Nope. 262 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,028 You have to warn him before he gets in too deep. 263 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,330 (Courtney whooping) 264 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,566 Sounds like he's already in too deep. 265 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,506 Who's my hungry boy? 266 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,709 Me. 267 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,944 Who's my naughty boy? 268 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,446 Me. 269 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,982 Who's going to get their bottom spanked after breakfast? 270 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,283 You. 271 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,985 (gasps) 272 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,755 You are so smart. 273 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:55,956 Open. 274 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,361 Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. 275 00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,396 No, wait, Alan, come back. 276 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,932 We're just having breakfast. 277 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,701 Scrambled eggs and tongue. Nice. 278 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,803 Hey, Alan, I want to thank you. 279 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,805 If you hadn't made me go out last night, 280 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,373 I would have never met Courtney. 281 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,743 You're welcome, but I have a feeling one way or another 282 00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,277 she would have found you. 283 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,215 Oh, wait, hey, you know what would be fun? 284 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,318 Whatever it is, I'll do it. 285 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,787 You are something else. 286 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,726 No, Walden, what would be fun? 287 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,227 Oh, right. 288 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,263 What I was gonna say is, why don't you and Lyndsey 289 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,131 and me and Courtney all go out for dinner? 290 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,067 Oh, gee, I'd have to check with Lyndsey. 291 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,802 Oh, come on, man, like a big fancy dinner. 292 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,003 It's sort of short notice. 293 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,006 My treat. We'll be there. 294 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,241 Alan, do you want to watch me and Walden having sex? 295 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,877 No, not particularly. 296 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,012 Then you'd better get out quick. 297 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,818 WALDEN: Hot diggity, that feels good! 298 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:07,460 I can't believe she's using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. 299 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,396 * Men. 300 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,965 Hello? Dad? 301 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,904 Oh, yay. 302 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,873 Hey, Courtney. 303 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,109 Jake, it's so good to see you. 304 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,176 You, too. 305 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,377 Oh, you've grown. 306 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,446 No, that's just my cell phone. 307 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,150 Jake, what are you doing here? 308 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,819 I just, uh... 309 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,088 came by to... 310 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,826 What? 311 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,529 Look, could you do me a favor and give us some privacy? 312 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,764 Yeah, sure. Can I have a good-bye hug? 313 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,333 Jake, go. 314 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,168 Way to block me, Dad. 315 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,873 So, Courtney. 316 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,474 So, Alan. 317 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,076 Where's Walden? 318 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,777 He's upstairs taking a nap. 319 00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:58,946 Recharge the batteries? 320 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,480 The batteries are fine. 321 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,150 It's the flashlight that needs a rest. 322 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,218 What can I do for you? 323 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,221 I want you to leave Walden alone. 324 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,090 He's not ready for someone like you. 325 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,059 Someone like me? 326 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,427 What ever do you mean? 327 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,463 Someone who's creating a lifestyle 328 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,031 from finding wealthy men 329 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,833 and sponging off them as much as they can. 330 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:23,303 Gee, Alan, that sounds a lot like you. 331 00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,906 What ever do you mean? 332 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,340 Eight years living off your brother, 333 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,942 sleeping on his fold-out couch. 334 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,078 Oh, leave it to you to spin it so I look bad. 335 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,080 See you at dinner, Alan. 336 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:37,918 Oh, I will see you at dinner all right, young lady. 337 00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:45,092 * Men. 338 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,528 Ugh, gristle. 339 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,932 Aw, here honey, let me cut that fat away for you. 340 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,601 Thank you. 341 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,371 Bit of a fatty piece here myself. 342 00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,174 Yeah, so? 343 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,077 Oh, you got a little schmutz. 344 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,413 Thank you. 345 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:09,549 So, looks like you two guys hit it off pretty quick. 346 00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,218 What's the point of going slow? 347 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,519 When it's right, it's right. 348 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:14,421 And it is right, right? Right. 349 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:17,891 Hey, I finished my beans. Can I have dessert? 350 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,492 I am dessert. 351 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,961 Thank you. 352 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,964 WALDEN: Hey. 353 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,265 Hmm? You know what would be cool? 354 00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,234 What? Move in with me. 355 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,138 Whoa, slow down, Walden. 356 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,107 Yeah, slow down, Walden. You just met her last night. 357 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,543 Yeah, but I want to be with her all the time. 358 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:40,447 Oh, baby, that is so sweet, but is there even room for me? 359 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,583 What about Alan? 360 00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:46,319 Yeah, what about Alan? 361 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,388 But he's moving out, right? 362 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,324 Right. 363 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,193 I don't know. I'm not really the kind of girl 364 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,195 who just moves in with a guy after one night. 365 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,529 Please. 366 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,965 Okay. 367 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,538 Well, I guess I need to find a new place to live. 368 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:08,208 Yeah, good luck with that. 369 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,413 * Men. 370 00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,915 Morning, Alan. 371 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,917 Morning. 372 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,219 Where's your little girlfriend? 373 00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,221 She couldn't sleep, so she went home. 374 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,489 What was the problem? 375 00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,391 I think it was hearing the third 376 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,294 "Hot diggity, that feels good!" 377 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,697 Oh, yeah, number three was a well-timed ice cube. 378 00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:39,106 You think you've beaten me, don't you? 379 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,707 Alan, it was never a contest. 380 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,977 Of the two of us, only I can bring the "diggity." 381 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,512 (doorbell ringing) 382 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:48,715 Don't be so sure of yourself. 383 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,617 I may have a final card to play. 384 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,685 Well, unless that card is a vagina in your pocket, 385 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,321 I'm not particularly worried. 386 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:01,194 Oh, thanks for coming, Bridget. 387 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,762 Well, you said Walden was in trouble. 388 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:06,433 Hi, I'm the trouble Walden's been in. Repeatedly. 389 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,669 Uh, Courtney, this is Walden's wife Bridget. 390 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:13,106 Bridget, this is the "lady" I was telling you about. 391 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,175 WALDEN: Bridget? 392 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,644 What are you doing here? 393 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,579 Well, Alan called and told me 394 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,248 that you were doing something stupid. 395 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,483 And I just met her. 396 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,852 She's just sorry 397 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,654 she threw you out, but it's too late now, 398 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,323 isn't it, baby? WALDEN: Really? 399 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:31,524 You're sorry you threw me out? 400 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,660 Who cares? Come upstairs. 401 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,795 Walden, just because I can't live with you anymore, 402 00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,664 doesn't mean that I want you 403 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,533 to be taken to the cleaners by Botox Barbie here. 404 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,803 Don't listen to her. Come upstairs. 405 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,873 Walden, if you go with her, I will never talk to you again. 406 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,776 Why don't both you broads hold out a treat and whistle 407 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,878 and we'll see which one he goes to. 408 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,784 Boy, this is a toughie. 409 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:04,824 I really love having a life with you. 410 00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,260 Sharing my hopes 411 00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:10,330 and dreams. 412 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:14,534 But I also really love 413 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,304 burying my head in your breasts and going (motorboat noise). 414 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:23,276 Honey, it's not about the sex. 415 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,745 It's not about your money. 416 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,714 I want to be with you. 417 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,749 I want to take care of you. 418 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:34,087 Oh, that's a good answer. 419 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,622 Bridget? 420 00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,958 We have a winner! 421 00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:42,895 Courtney, do you think that your deep feelings for my husband 422 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,897 can in any way be affected 423 00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:46,766 by a cashier's check for $50,000? 424 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,136 (whimpering): $50,000? 425 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:52,239 You actually think that you can buy me off? 426 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,607 Your real name is Sylvia Fishman and you're wanted 427 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,909 in three states for fraud, forgery and money laundering. 428 00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:59,912 Bye, Walden. It was fun. 429 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,650 Aw, darn. 430 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,586 I was really looking forward to more diggity. 431 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,821 If Bridget will write me a check like that, 432 00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,623 I'll diggity your brains out. 433 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:15,662 I'll diggity you for free. 434 00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,064 * Men. 435 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,338 How you doing? 436 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:28,341 Let this be a warning to you, Alan. 437 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,810 There are women out there that will be nice to you 438 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,945 just to get to your money. 439 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:34,547 Thanks. 440 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:38,551 But that's not very high on my list of concerns. 441 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,887 I just feel so stupid. 442 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,423 Oh, hey. Don't sell yourself short. 443 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,493 I'm sure she was also attracted to your chiseled good looks, 444 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,229 youthful stamina and freakishly large penis. 445 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:52,499 Thanks. That makes me feel better. 446 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:56,836 I'm glad, 'cause it makes me feel like hanging myself. 447 00:18:56,903 --> 00:19:00,340 So how'd you leave things with Bridget? 448 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,974 Pretty much the same place. 449 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,443 She still wants a divorce. 450 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,111 Oh, I'm sorry. 451 00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:06,879 But she obviously still cares about you. 452 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,415 I mean, a lot of people would have used 453 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,949 the money she gave Courtney for-- 454 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:13,986 I don't know-- medical insurance, a new car, 455 00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:18,057 maybe a college prep tutor for their idiot son. 456 00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:20,460 You can have all those things, Alan. 457 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:21,994 I can? 458 00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,396 Sure. You just have to make more money. 459 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,132 Right. 460 00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:27,500 Duh. 461 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,471 Hey, thanks for calling Bridget. 462 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:32,839 Oh, no problem. 463 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,341 No, you really had my back. 464 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,108 Oh, that's what friends do. 465 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,610 Well, I want you to know that you have 466 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,145 a home here as long as you want. 467 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:40,980 Really? 468 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,015 Because I am looking for a place. 469 00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:44,584 No, I want... I want you to stay. 470 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,419 I like having somebody here I can trust. 471 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,588 Well, if it's what you want. 472 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,890 BERTA: Ah, son of a bitch. 473 00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,525 I knew you'd find a way 474 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,427 to weasel your way back in. 475 00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:57,430 I'm out of here. 476 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,031 Well, you're not quitting, are you? 477 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,300 Nah, I'm moving back home. 478 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,534 I'll see you Monday. 479 00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,403 Wow. (chuckles) 480 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:06,506 Looks like I get to take my old room back, huh? 481 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,107 Hey, whatever you want, buddy. 482 00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,910 Just make sure the nine-fingered man is gone. 483 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,382 How about that? 484 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:18,184 For once, things actually work out well for old Alan. 485 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,919 (chuckles) 486 00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:22,489 (choking) 487 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,935 (straining): Help! Help! 911...! 488 00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:39,939 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 489 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:44,411 The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta. It's great, for the price of good. That's das auto.