1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,336 (funeral march): * Men, men, men, men 2 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:07,075 * Men, men, men, men, men, men, men. * 3 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,076 Hello. 4 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,544 I'm Charlie's brother Alan. 5 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,780 I want to thank you all for coming. 6 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:13,781 I know this is 7 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,749 a very sad day for all of us. 8 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,051 Speak for yourself. 9 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,588 Okay. 10 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:25,759 Uh, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings." 11 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:29,663 Um... but I think we can all agree 12 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,765 that Charlie lived life to its fullest 13 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,901 and-and gave it everything he had. 14 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,569 Gave me herpes. 15 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:39,073 Chlamydia. 16 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,841 Vaginal warts. 17 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,946 Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about. 18 00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:49,217 I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone, 19 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:53,020 leaving me with nothing but my memories and my regrets 20 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,489 and the listing for his beautiful beachfront 21 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,225 Malibu getaway with three bedrooms 22 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,926 and three and a half baths 23 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,562 and a beautiful panoramic ocean view. 24 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,996 (sniffles) 25 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,633 Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn. 26 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,702 Thank you, Mom. 27 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,104 Um, anyway... 28 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,840 Open house is Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00. 29 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,244 Okay. 30 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:20,781 Um, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother, 31 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,217 um, and his incredible love for life. 32 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,919 He also loved being spanked. 33 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,988 While wearing my panties. 34 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,692 He used my panties to make tea. 35 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:41,235 M-My point is, um, that Charlie lived life on his own terms 36 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:44,805 and-and never apologized for who he was. 37 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,006 Yeah, blah, blah, blah. 38 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,708 Why can't we see the body? 39 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:52,012 Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin. 40 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:54,014 Okay, I understand how you feel, 41 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:57,251 but unfortunately due to the circumstances of his passing, 42 00:01:57,318 --> 00:02:01,155 the remains aren't exactly... spit-able. 43 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,724 I have a question. 44 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,159 O-Okay. 45 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,928 Uh, I wasn't planning on doing a Q and A, 46 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:09,197 uh, but go ahead. 47 00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:10,831 Thank you. 48 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,701 Charlie owes me $38,000 for some, 49 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,203 let's say, pharmaceuticals. 50 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,972 Who do I talk to about that? 51 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,609 Uh, well, I think that's something 52 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,076 you'll have to discuss with the lawyers. 53 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,077 Yeah. 54 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,814 I'd rather not involve the law. 55 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,918 And now, uh, I thought we'd take this moment 56 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,188 to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end. 57 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,999 Thank you, Alan. 58 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,671 Charlie Harper was the love of my life 59 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,940 and a wonderful, wonderful man. 60 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,775 (sneezes): Selfish pig. 61 00:02:56,444 --> 00:03:00,047 Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs 62 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,082 and the occasional restraining order. 63 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,851 But at the end, 64 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:08,822 we ran away together to Paris, where he asked me to marry him. 65 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,758 I said yes. 66 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:14,362 And the next few days were the happiest of my life. 67 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,196 Nothing could spoil it. 68 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,131 Not even when I came home from shopping 69 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,901 and found him taking a shower with another woman. 70 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:21,902 (crowd murmuring) 71 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:24,838 That's our Charlie. 72 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,109 But I forgave him 73 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,280 because I loved him unconditionally. 74 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,916 So you can imagine my horror when, the very next day, 75 00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,318 he slipped on the Metro platform 76 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,320 and fell in front of an oncoming train. 77 00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:43,924 Never cross a crazy woman. 78 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:48,161 I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer. 79 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:52,300 His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat. 80 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,103 Thank you. 81 00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,809 I'm hungry. 82 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,177 Anyone else hungry? 83 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,180 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 84 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,950 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 85 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,120 * Men. 86 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,859 Charlie was the best boss I ever had. 87 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:22,563 I needed a day off, "Sure, Berta, no problem." 88 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:23,831 I needed a couple 89 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,366 extra bucks, 90 00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,768 "Sure, Berta, no problem." 91 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:30,738 All he ever asked in return was clean sheets 92 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:34,908 and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker. 93 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,549 What a beautiful story. 94 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,352 Can I count on you to keep the house clean till I sell it? 95 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,454 Can I count on you to keep paying me? 96 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,922 Well, there's virtually no money in Charlie's estate, 97 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,425 but I'll be happy to pay you once the house sells. 98 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:54,462 Then that's when I'll clean it. 99 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,996 I still don't see why we have to sell. 100 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,465 I mean, he left it to me. 101 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,899 Obviously, he wanted me to have it. 102 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,868 Can you make the mortgage payments? No. 103 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,703 Can you pay the property tax? 104 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,838 Not per se. 105 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,907 But I was kind of hoping you'd help out. 106 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,643 I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time. 107 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,979 (farts) 108 00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:16,350 Good job raising him. 109 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:20,354 Uh, darling, I can't afford to maintain my house 110 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,089 and your house at the same time. 111 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,757 But you're my mommy. 112 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:28,462 Good job raising him. 113 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:31,632 Once I sell this place, you can come live with me. 114 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,133 But why would I have to? 115 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,935 I mean, won't I get a lot of money from the sale? 116 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:38,372 Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages on this place. 117 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,908 Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees 118 00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:43,076 and my commission, you'll be lucky to break even. 119 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:44,945 Wait a minute, you're planning to take a commission? 120 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,079 She doesn't work for free. 121 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,581 Why should I? 122 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:55,022 Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody. 123 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,390 * Men. 124 00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,459 (doorbell rings) 125 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,961 Hi. I'm here for the open house. 126 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,496 Of course. Come right in. 127 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,731 Thank you. 128 00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:06,667 Three bedrooms, three and a half baths, 129 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,403 60 feet of prime Malibu oceanfront. 130 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,605 Wait a minute, I know this place. 131 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:12,940 This is Charlie Harper's place, right? 132 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:13,941 It was. 133 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,008 Then I can't buy it. 134 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,744 Uh... 135 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:17,745 What? Why? 136 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:18,879 Bad memories. 137 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,548 Charlie and I had this 138 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,916 drunken threesome with a crazy chick right on this couch. 139 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,585 Sounds like a good memory. 140 00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,654 Yeah, well, unfortunately she passed out 141 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,656 and Charlie and I kept going without her. 142 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,825 Bad memory. 143 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:35,796 Oh, the feng shui is great. 144 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,666 I mean, the place just oozes positive energy. 145 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,637 It's not practical. 146 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,606 The commute downtown would kill me. 147 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:46,874 Don't worry, sweetie. 148 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,208 Just let the universe provide. 149 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,077 The universe doesn't provide, I provide. 150 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,513 I bust my ass 80 hours a week. 151 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:53,881 Uh-oh. 152 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,550 Sounds like somebody needs to meditate. 153 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,918 Uh-oh. 154 00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,887 Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce. 155 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:00,988 Really? 156 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,723 You want to play that card? 157 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,925 'Cause I will take you and your uptight bourgeois family 158 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,127 for every penny you've got. 159 00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,195 Bye-bye! 160 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,033 Bye-bye! 161 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,638 What a fun couple. 162 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,541 * Men. 163 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:21,942 (doorbell rings) 164 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,244 Sorry, the open house is over. 165 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,047 I got a package for Alan Harper. 166 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,248 Oh, uh, that's me. 167 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,783 Sign here. 168 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,852 Ooh, how exciting. 169 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:34,855 Wonder what it is. 170 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:37,257 It's from a crematorium, 171 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,593 so that kind of narrows it down. 172 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:42,796 That's, uh, that's my brother. 173 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:46,299 Berta, Charlie's here! 174 00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,568 Thank you. 175 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:48,769 Enjoy. 176 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,202 Well... 177 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,171 here we are, buddy. 178 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,542 Just like old times, huh? 179 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:31,612 I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me. 180 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:41,421 I, uh, I wanted to tell you, uh, that I loved you, 181 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,858 and I will miss you, 182 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:50,430 and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in, 183 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:53,433 letting us live here all these years. 184 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:59,406 So, now the question is... 185 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,909 what do we do with you? 186 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:05,512 I know what you said you wanted, but... 187 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,547 I really don't think Pamela Anderson will agree 188 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,617 to swallow your ashes. 189 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,756 Um, I-I could take you with me to live at Mom's, 190 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,425 but that's how horror movies start. 191 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,931 Hey. 192 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:27,234 Maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach. 193 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,603 I mean, it's simple, it's dignified, 194 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,471 and pretty girls covered with oil 195 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:34,875 will be sitting on you all day. 196 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,944 Kind of like your life. 197 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,948 Except for the dignified part. 198 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:46,453 All right. 199 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,888 (sighs) 200 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,957 Well... 201 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,260 (sighs) 202 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,296 I guess now is as good a time as any. 203 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,566 (screams) (screams) 204 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,978 I ain't cleaning him up. 205 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,046 * Men. 206 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:16,684 * Men. 207 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,886 Can I use your phone? 208 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,053 Sure. 209 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,388 I guess. 210 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,957 Are you okay? 211 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,492 Yeah, I'm fine. 212 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,295 I was just trying to drown myself. 213 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,397 Wait, you-you tried to commit suicide? 214 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,934 Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold. 215 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,304 Suppose I could've worn a wet suit, 216 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,039 but who tries to commit suicide in a wet suit, right? 217 00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:41,608 That phone right there? 218 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,609 Oh, yeah, yeah. 219 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,812 Thank you. 220 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,613 Uh, you got a towel? 221 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:47,915 Oh, sure. 222 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,317 Thanks. 223 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,356 Hi. It's me. 224 00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,728 I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean 225 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,796 'cause I can't live without you. 226 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,400 No, I'm not calling you from the ocean. 227 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,603 Because it was cold. 228 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,973 I don't... I'm in some guy's house. 229 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,474 Um, Alan Harper. 230 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,644 I am in Alan Harper's house. 231 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,947 How about it? Will you take me back? 232 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,816 Are you sure? 233 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,819 You heard what I said about the ocean, right? 234 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,357 Okay, fine. I'll stop bothering you. 235 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,626 But I want you to know that I will love you forever and ever. 236 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:35,796 Really? 237 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,097 That bothers you? 238 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,102 Okay. Bye. 239 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,806 You got a wet suit? 240 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,541 Oh, come on. It... it can't be that bad. 241 00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:50,443 It could be. You don't know. 242 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,146 No, no, I do. 243 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,882 Come on. Come on. Sit down. Sit down. 244 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,784 Listen. 245 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,552 I have been where you are-- 246 00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:02,155 uh, rejected, friendless, broke. 247 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,523 I'm not broke. 248 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,058 I'm worth, like, a billion dollars. 249 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,061 Beg pardon? 250 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:11,731 1.3 is what her lawyer says, but I would give up every penny 251 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:14,667 if she would take me back. 252 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,070 No, no, no. You don't want to do that. 253 00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:21,174 Uh... I think you can find a lot of girls for way less money. 254 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,642 I don't want other girls. 255 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:23,911 I want Bridget. 256 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,612 Right. Right. 257 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,614 Um, just to clarify, um, 258 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,818 did you say "billion" with a "buh?" 259 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:31,952 (sighs) 260 00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,553 Listen, trust me. 261 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,588 Money does not buy happiness. 262 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:39,092 I wouldn't know. I've never had either. 263 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,028 Come on. You're doing all right. 264 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,030 You're living in a beach house in Malibu. 265 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,197 I have to sell it. 266 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,765 And it's not even mine; it's his. 267 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,003 His? 268 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,972 That's my dead brother. 269 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,473 Oh. 270 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,043 I'm sorry I made you spill him. 271 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,677 That's okay. That's okay. 272 00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,512 I'll DustBust him later. 273 00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,848 You know what? 274 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,115 I'll get out of your way. 275 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,884 Thank you for letting me use your phone. 276 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,718 Wait, hang on. You sure you're okay? 277 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,588 Yeah. I'm just going to go back to my hotel room 278 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:11,524 and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet." 279 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,626 Wait, wait, wait. I... I just went to one funeral. 280 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,628 I-I don't want to be involved in another one. 281 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:19,632 Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk? 282 00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,701 About what? 283 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,103 Oh, I don't know. 284 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,737 The weather, politics. 285 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,706 Why somebody would want to kill themselves 286 00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:29,042 when they have a billion freaking dollars. 287 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,078 Come on. 288 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,746 We'll, uh, put your clothes in the dryer. 289 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:35,883 All right. 290 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,086 Oh, by the way... 291 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,655 I'm Walden. Walden Schmidt. 292 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,724 Well, it's nice to meet you, Walden Schmidt. 293 00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,960 Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose there's no reason 294 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,562 you can't undress right here in the living room. 295 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,998 Oh, Skivvies coming off, too. 296 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,600 Okay. Okay, well, uh, no body issues. 297 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,668 Lucky you. That's... 298 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,038 You're a good guy, Alan Harper. 299 00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,873 Oh, and he's a hugger as well. 300 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,541 Okeydokey. 301 00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,576 I'll be right back. 302 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,115 $1.3 billion, 303 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,551 and he's hung like an elephant. 304 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:14,021 * Men. 305 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,056 Uh, I will have an appletini. 306 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,925 Uh, and, um...? 307 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,660 Oh, uh, ginger ale, please. 308 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,129 Really? 309 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,663 Fresh off a suicide attempt, 310 00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,132 and you're ordering a ginger ale? 311 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,767 Yeah. I don't like the taste of alcohol. 312 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,269 Nobody likes the taste of alcohol. 313 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,271 We like the effects of alcohol. 314 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:35,042 How it makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart. 315 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,977 I am tall, good-looking and smart. 316 00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,815 Give him an appletini. 317 00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,553 So, just out of curiosity, 318 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,789 how does someone get to be worth so much money? 319 00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,925 Oh, it's pretty simple, really. 320 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,927 You ever hear of Blungogo.com? 321 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,128 No. 322 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,596 And you never will, 323 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,131 because Microsoft bought it from me 324 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:01,634 for $1.3 billion, and then they bundled it 325 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,004 with their iPod killer, the Zune. 326 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:07,707 Really? 327 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,742 I don't think it came with my Zune. 328 00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,878 You bought a Zune? 329 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,681 I had a coupon. 330 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:15,815 Cheers? 331 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,317 Oh. Cheers. 332 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,653 (both groan) 333 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:26,326 So, don't take this the wrong way, 334 00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:30,097 but I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind. 335 00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,035 Thank you. That's very sweet. 336 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,771 * Men. 337 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,741 You don't understand. 338 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:44,611 Bridget was my high school sweetheart. 339 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,047 She was the love of my life. 340 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,615 So why'd she leave you? 341 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,083 She catch you with another woman? 342 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,985 No. Sex no good? 343 00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,120 No, it was great. 344 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,387 Are you sure? 345 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,922 'Cause sometimes they'll tell you it's good, 346 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,124 and then you find out later 347 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,691 they hated the very touch of you. 348 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,331 Happened to a guy I know. 349 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:10,903 Well, she said that I was emotionally immature. 350 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,172 You mean like threatening suicide 351 00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,774 unless she takes you back? 352 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,177 That is not immature; that's romantic. 353 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,280 Shut up. 354 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,649 Well, regardless, I-I know what you're going through. 355 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,417 I mean, I married my college sweetheart, 356 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,753 and when she divorced me, I was devastated. 357 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,021 Why did she leave you? 358 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,923 Not a clue. She's a crazy bitch. 359 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:34,194 The point is, when life serves you 360 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,729 ball breakers who rip your heart out, 361 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:39,899 you have to make... 362 00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,302 ball breaker-ade. 363 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,437 Bridget never broke my balls. 364 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,973 If anything, she treated them 365 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,342 with tenderness and respect. 366 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,445 Okay. Okay, just for tonight, 367 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,214 will you... will you forget about Bridget 368 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,049 and-and just try to meet somebody new? 369 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,750 Like who? 370 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,286 I don't know. 371 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,256 How about... how about her? 372 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:04,724 Really? 373 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,159 What would I say? 374 00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:10,797 Uh, well, I would not lead with the testicle anecdote. 375 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,834 Just... just say hi. 376 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,736 Okay. 377 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,371 Hi. 378 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,972 Hi. 379 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,875 I'm Walden. Kelly. 380 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,184 So, Kelly... 381 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:42,262 My... wife dumped me, and I want to die. 382 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,366 Oh, you poor baby. 383 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:52,339 (sobbing): I love her so much. 384 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,275 I... I don't... 385 00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,744 Whew! I don't know... 386 00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,747 if I can ever love anyone 387 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,049 the way that I love her. 388 00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,389 That's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. 389 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:14,294 Oh, it'll be okay. 390 00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:27,974 Oh, God, I miss my wife! 391 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,976 * Men. 392 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,211 (ladies chuckling) 393 00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,912 Here is where I live. 394 00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,147 Oh. 395 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,515 Nice. 396 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:39,352 Just me and my broken heart. 397 00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:42,489 Alan, I... I think I should go back to my hotel. 398 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,056 Are you nuts? 399 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,492 We're doing great. 400 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,395 This crap about loving our exes is gold. 401 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,297 My brother would be so proud. 402 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,132 What, the dude in the DustBuster? 403 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,934 Yeah. 404 00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:58,070 Ah. Uh, ladies, uh, who's up for a libation? 405 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,306 A what? Huh? 406 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,374 A... a drink-- alcohol. 407 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,042 Sure. Great. 408 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,378 Oh. Be right back. 409 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:13,253 What's upstairs? 410 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,588 I don't know. Probably a bedroom. 411 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,124 Why don't we go find out? 412 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,526 Uh... okay. 413 00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,830 Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan where we're going? 414 00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,398 No. No. 415 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,502 Who's ready for margaritas? 416 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:31,938 WALDEN: Wow! 417 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:35,342 One at a time, ladies! One at a time. 418 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,377 (ladies giggling) 419 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:39,979 Well, this is depressingly familiar. 420 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,983 Shut up. 421 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,885 * Men. 422 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,156 * Men. 423 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,525 Morning. 424 00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,996 Oh, good golly. 425 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,366 Oh, uh, I'm Walden. 426 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,134 I'm impressed. 427 00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,373 Oh. Alan. 428 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,042 Guess what. 429 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,612 I had sex with two girls last night. 430 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:17,016 Great. Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep. 431 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,419 I like my night better. 432 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,121 Oh, hey. 433 00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:24,056 I dig your house, so I'm going to buy it, okay? 434 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,458 Oh, okay. 435 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,093 Thanks. 436 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:28,160 You're the best. 437 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,030 Oh... ah. 438 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,699 Whoa. 439 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,740 Um, this is Walden. 440 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,777 He's going to buy the house. 441 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,647 Welcome to my humble abode. 442 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,122 I like him. 443 00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,791 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 444 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:02,562 The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta. It's great, for the price of good. That's das auto.