1 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:05,506 ROSE: Hi, Charlie. 2 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:09,543 You should know that I didn't come over to ruin your date. 3 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,112 Really? Why did you come over? 4 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:14,082 To tell you that I'm getting married. 5 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,349 Today's the big day, huh? 6 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:17,285 Oh, please. There's no wedding. 7 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,852 Would it make a difference to you, 8 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,254 knowing that cute little face 9 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,556 will never pop up over that railing again? 10 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:25,893 That the one woman who's always loved you and been there for you 11 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,362 is forever out of reach? 12 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,663 Come on. 13 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,165 Where are we going? 14 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,333 To the church. I'm going to prove to you 15 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,501 that she's not getting married. 16 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,437 Look. Tell me if you see a wedding. 17 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,308 I see a wedding. 18 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,643 OFFICIANT: Two persons present now come to be joined. 19 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,745 Rose and Manfred... 20 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,647 She's really doing it. 21 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:51,452 ...let him speak now, or forever hold his peace. 22 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:54,188 And we're clear. 23 00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,090 Yep, that ought to do it. 24 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,691 Thanks, Freddie. 25 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,493 * Men. 26 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,565 Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. 27 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,734 Catch a tiger... 28 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,102 Oh, who am I kidding? 29 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:09,803 I love you all. 30 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,974 Let's see. What else do we need? 31 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,909 Oh, right. Ice. 32 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:19,280 Water in a useful form. 33 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,915 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody all right? 34 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,384 Charlie? 35 00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:25,219 Rose? 36 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:27,087 What a nice surprise. 37 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,156 (smooches) 38 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,056 How are you? Good. Good. Good. 39 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,424 You look great. 40 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,393 Oh, thank you. Married life agrees with me. 41 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,195 Oh, that's right. Congratulations. 42 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,529 So where are you living now? 43 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,431 Uh, Manny and I moved into my beach house. 44 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,999 Oh, so we'll be neighbors again. 45 00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:40,768 Yeah. I'll have to come by and meet him sometime. 46 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,670 I don't think that's a good idea. 47 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,105 The old boyfriend meeting the new husband. 48 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,174 It's a little awkward. 49 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,541 Yeah, I guess you're right. 50 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,777 I've never been that popular with husbands. 51 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,112 Or fathers. 52 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:53,981 Or boyfriends. Sons. 53 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:55,883 Surly lesbian roommates. 54 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,985 (sighs) So, anyway, you're happy? 55 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,787 More than I ever dreamed possible. 56 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:02,523 You know what he said to me the other day? 57 00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:06,260 Without me at his side, he might as well not exist. 58 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:11,031 Wow. That's a little gay, but all right. 59 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,433 What about you, Charlie? 60 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,302 Is there anyone special in your life? 61 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:17,705 No. Not really. I mean, there's gals with special skills, 62 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,139 but I got to pay extra. 63 00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,808 You should find someone who loves you 64 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,310 the way Manny loves me. 65 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:25,446 The love is the same. It's just at an hourly rate. 66 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,748 Don't grow old alone, Charlie. 67 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:28,749 Right. 68 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:31,919 Bye. Bye. 69 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,492 What is it with women? 70 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:39,960 They go off and get married, 71 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,430 and all of a sudden seem a lot more beautiful. 72 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:47,901 Ah, no matter, MacTavich. We can grow old together. 73 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,573 After all, you're only 20. 74 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,743 But I doubt you're gonna see 21. 75 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,712 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 76 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,949 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 77 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:05,085 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 78 00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,221 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 79 00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,823 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 80 00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,726 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 81 00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:17,665 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 82 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,704 * Men. 83 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,839 Is it on? 84 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:26,874 I think so. 85 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,442 All right, let's do this. 86 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:32,380 Hi. I'm Jake Harper, and this is the Human Volcano. 87 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:35,148 We begin by drinking a warm can of Diet Coke. 88 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,051 That's not Coke, dude. 89 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:40,020 Yeah. My dad did the shopping. 90 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:42,956 Anyway, a warm diet cola product. 91 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,302 Ah. 92 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:56,804 And now I will swallow a Mentos. 93 00:03:56,870 --> 00:04:00,274 Mentos. 94 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,276 (gags, sighs) 95 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:05,746 Now I will lay on the floor. 96 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:06,980 Goggles. 97 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,284 Right. Safety first. 98 00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,852 You feel anything yet? 99 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,387 Oh, yeah. It's working. 100 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,055 If it starts coming out the back door, 101 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,325 pull your pants down and roll over. 102 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,026 Good thinking. 103 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,027 ALAN: Hey, what's going on? 104 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,562 Not a good time, Dad. 105 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,497 What are you doing on the floor? 106 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:24,998 (vomiting forcefully) 107 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,800 Whoa! Whoa! 108 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,068 Awesome! 109 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,303 (spluttering) 110 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,771 What the hell are you doing? 111 00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:31,472 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 112 00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:32,773 Are you all right? 113 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:36,076 Yeah. We were just making a video. Hold on. 114 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,245 (retching) 115 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,248 Cool stunts. 116 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,850 Cool stunts? 117 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,251 In God's name, why? 118 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,286 You've heard of Jackass? Yeah. 119 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:48,389 We are Dumbass. 120 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,592 Really? 121 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,762 However did you come up with that name? 122 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:58,432 Well, we were thinking "What's better than Jackass?" 123 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,001 That's kind of a rhetorical question. 124 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,836 No. It wasn't that hard. 125 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,573 It came down to a choice 126 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,675 between Dumbass and The Asskateers. 127 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,543 I think you made the right call. 128 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:10,644 Really? 129 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:13,347 Oh, yes. I applaud your decision. 130 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,049 The plan is, we shoot a bunch of cool stunts, 131 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,218 post them online, and then sell advertising. 132 00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:21,355 Who on earth would advertise on that? 133 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,592 Well, right off the bat, we figure Coke and Mentos. 134 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,895 It's a product placement bonanza. 135 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,131 Come on, let's go upload our premiere episode. 136 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:35,102 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about this mess? 137 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,169 (sighs) 138 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,438 Damn it. 139 00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:42,009 I'm gonna be taking care of that kid till I'm 90. 140 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:46,680 Please, God, don't make me live that long. 141 00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:49,717 You'll never guess who I ran into at the supermarket. 142 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,818 Rose. 143 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,753 Oh. She's back from her honeymoon? 144 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,823 Yep, and living down the beach with her new husband. 145 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,391 Ah, good for her. 146 00:05:57,458 --> 00:06:00,861 Yeah, good for her. 147 00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:03,897 You have to forget about her, Charlie. 148 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,132 I know. 149 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,001 That's why I got me some milk of amnesia. 150 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:09,437 Nice. 151 00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,972 What are you doing down there? 152 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:15,876 Wiping up cola vomit my son spewed in my face. 153 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:20,047 Oh, great. The Human Volcano worked. 154 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,449 You knew about this? 155 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,016 It was my idea. 156 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:23,884 You're kidding. 157 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,085 Yeah. It'll make 158 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,787 a great first episode of The Asskateers. 159 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,256 Actually, I think they went with Dumbass. 160 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:33,360 Oh, damn. I already had a bunch of t-shirts made up. 161 00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:34,962 What can I say? 162 00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,730 Well, still, you got to like that your son's got 163 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,365 a little entrepreneurial spirit. 164 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,333 Thanks for showing me the bright side. 165 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,135 No problem. 166 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,071 Memory wipe? 167 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:47,040 I think I will. 168 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,612 * Men. 169 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:11,965 Looking for Japanese subs, Cap'n? 170 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:15,268 What? No, I'm just trying out these new binoculars. 171 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,237 You're spying on Rose, aren't you? 172 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,806 It's not spying. It's... 173 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,340 Shut up and leave me alone. 174 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,810 You said you were going to forget her. 175 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,746 And you said you were going to move out after a few days. 176 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,181 Don't change the subject. 177 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,350 I'm just trying to get a glimpse of her husband. 178 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,185 Oh, that's really sad. 179 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:35,088 Sadder than throwing your back out trying to pleasure yourself? 180 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,558 I was doing yoga. 181 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,193 Then why were you wearing lipstick? 182 00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:45,398 And again, don't change the subject. 183 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:49,169 I am simply curious to see what kind of guy Rose would marry. 184 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,771 Oh, well, if that's the case, 185 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,573 why don't you just go over there, knock on the door, 186 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,074 and shake the man's hand? 187 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,209 What would I tell him? "Hi. I'm Charlie Harper. 188 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,545 Your wife used to stalk me"? 189 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,212 I might leave that part out. 190 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,715 And besides, I'm sure he already knows about you. 191 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,150 How would he know about me? 192 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,018 Well, it's possible she told him, 193 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,788 or perhaps he noticed the tattoo 194 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,557 of your face on her left butt cheek. 195 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,825 Yeah, I kind of wish she hadn't done that. 196 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,393 After she takes a hot bath, 197 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,596 I start looking like Edward James Olmos. 198 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:19,199 Just go over, introduce yourself 199 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,501 and welcome him to the neighborhood. 200 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,036 Yeah, I guess you're right. 201 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,172 Bring over a bottle of wine, little housewarming gift. 202 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,174 Now you're talking. 203 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,341 (clattering) 204 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,342 JAKE and ELDRIDGE: Geronimo! 205 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,444 (both screaming) 206 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,480 (crashing) 207 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,348 Oh, God. Are you all right? 208 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,750 JAKE: Mostly. 209 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,619 Did you remember to get it on video? 210 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,589 ELDRIDGE: Aw, crap. 211 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,658 * Men. 212 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:50,564 (doorbell rings) 213 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:54,401 Charlie, what are you doing here? 214 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,636 I thought I'd stop by 215 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:56,904 and welcome you guys to the neighborhood. 216 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,172 No, no. This is a bad idea. Please go. 217 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,473 But I thought we could open a bottle of wine 218 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,675 and all get to know each other. 219 00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:02,743 Listen to me, Charlie. 220 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,477 I love my husband. 221 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,447 I'm building a new life with him and I won't let you ruin it. 222 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:08,816 How could I ruin it? 223 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,483 Well, he doesn't even know you exist, 224 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,985 and I plan on keeping it that way. 225 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,087 How is that possible? What about the tattoo? 226 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:17,791 I added glasses to it and told him it was Harry Potter. 227 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,295 Now, please get out of here. 228 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,497 Okay, fine. 229 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,834 I'm sorry. 230 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:30,638 Just so I'm clear, you and I, we're...? 231 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,940 Over, finished. 232 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,342 Okay. 233 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,044 I get it. 234 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,853 Told you he'd stop by. 235 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:49,957 * Men. 236 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,225 Do you realize how lucky you are? 237 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,661 You could have broken your necks. 238 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,863 We took precautions. 239 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,369 You flew off the roof! 240 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,239 In a shopping cart! 241 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,710 What precautions? 242 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:13,613 We were planning to land in the ocean. 243 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:18,752 You missed it by 100 yards. 244 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:22,255 It's not an exact science, Dad. 245 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:25,058 Okay, okay. Let's not dicker over the details. 246 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,159 (both laughing) 247 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,028 He said, "dicker." 248 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,629 I know. 249 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,531 Okay, okay. I am serious. Okay? 250 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,433 This Dumbass thing stops right now. 251 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,803 You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams. 252 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,706 I meant dreams like "doctor" or "lawyer," 253 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,874 not "crash test dummy." 254 00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:45,846 "Dr. Jacob Harper." I like the sound of that. 255 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:49,182 Hey, doc, what's this on my nutsack? Is it infected? 256 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:55,322 Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nutsackectomy. 257 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,556 (both chuckling) 258 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,759 Will you two quit 259 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:01,161 with the cockamamie babble 260 00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:03,931 and focus on what I am trying to tell you? 261 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:07,200 He said, "cockamamie." 262 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,836 (both laughing) 263 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,437 He said, "focus." 264 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,839 (laughter) 265 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,210 * Men. 266 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,212 (TV plays quietly) 267 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,216 Oh, what's to become of my son? 268 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,387 Don't worry, Alan. 269 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,389 There'll always be carnivals. 270 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,026 I suppose. 271 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:36,063 So, how'd it go with Mr. and Mrs. Manfred Quinn? 272 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,999 I never met him. Rose told me to get lost. 273 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,434 Wow. That's got to sting a bit. 274 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,070 Yeah, but I understand. 275 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,806 She's happy now, and doesn't want me screwing it up. 276 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,341 You still love her, don't you? 277 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,745 I guess I do. 278 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,815 Funny how these things turn out, isn't it? 279 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,984 I mean, eight, nine years ago, 280 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,586 she was just a crazy one-night stand 281 00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,855 who ended up stalking you. 282 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,826 All you wanted to do was get rid of her. 283 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,127 But the years go by, 284 00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:10,864 and stalking turns to friendship. 285 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,868 Friendship turns to love. 286 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,105 But it's too late. 287 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:21,074 She marries another man, and she's lost to you forever. 288 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,745 Boy, that would make a great movie, wouldn't it? 289 00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:28,048 Yeah, great. 290 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,783 Want to write it with me? 291 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,484 What?! No! 292 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,454 Well, don't go stealing it. 293 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:36,957 I mean, you know, 294 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,591 it's your life, but it's my idea. 295 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,427 (sighs) 296 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,362 Oh, how's this for a title? 297 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,932 Look Who's Stalking. 298 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:49,502 Meet the Stalkers. 299 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,007 Avatart. 300 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,276 Are you done? 301 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:57,544 Yeah. 302 00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,713 Although I do think it has real franchise opportunities. 303 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,150 Could be a sitcom. 304 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:07,921 Maybe not on a major network, but, you know, TBS, TNT. 305 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:12,826 I Love Looney. 306 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,663 Where you going? 307 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,398 I was just spitballin' here. 308 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,971 (quietly chuckling) 309 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,973 I said, "spitballin'." 310 00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,175 (quietly chuckling) 311 00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:32,145 Oh, God, I want to die. 312 00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,781 * Men. 313 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,117 (slow, romantic music plays on TV) 314 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,596 * Men. 315 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,168 * Men. 316 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,942 That has got to be the worst-looking toupee 317 00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:04,177 I've ever seen. 318 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,179 What the hell are you doing here?! 319 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:08,982 You scared the hell out of me. 320 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,084 Are you crazy, climbing up on my deck, 321 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,120 snooping around like this?! 322 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,023 I need to talk to you. 323 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,490 Well, I can't talk to you. 324 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:18,959 Manny is right inside. 325 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,094 I love you. It's a little late for that. 326 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,863 I'm sorry. I realize now, Rose, I can't live without you. 327 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,298 It doesn't matter what you realize. 328 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,466 I'm married now. 329 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:27,400 Oh, please, Rose. 330 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,936 Oh, God, Charlie, 331 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:30,904 why are you doing this to me? It's so unfair. 332 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,206 I'm begging you. Just talk to me. 333 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:34,774 (sighs) 334 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,343 All right. 335 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,913 Manny has to go back into the office to do some work. 336 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,248 Come back in an hour. Thank you. 337 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,950 But just to talk. Of course. 338 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:46,686 And can you bring me some butter brickle ice cream? What? 339 00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:49,222 And marshmallow fluff and sprinkles. Sure, whatever you need. 340 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,258 Chocolate sprinkles, not the multicolored kind. 341 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,760 Fine. I don't know why they even make those. 342 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,195 Okay. Okay. 343 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,863 I'll see you later. 344 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,999 (thudding) Ow! 345 00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,900 Son of a bitch! How do you do that? 346 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,570 Don't lock your knees. 347 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,309 (romantic music plays on TV) 348 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,145 Good news, Manny. 349 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,281 We're getting ice cream. 350 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:20,287 * Men. 351 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,389 You ready for some more beans? 352 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,591 Bring it on. 353 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,093 (clears throat) 354 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,696 So, I'm thinking we call this stunt "Fart Rocket." 355 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:33,566 Nah, I think we need to go with something more intellectual. 356 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:37,204 How about "The Dumbass Assblaster?" 357 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,040 No, you can't use two "asses" in a row. 358 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:43,376 It's... redumbnant. 359 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,812 Hey. 360 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,214 What's going on? 361 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,482 I'm just making Eldridge something to eat. 362 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,651 Really? 363 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,587 Yes, I was peckerish. 364 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,392 You mean peckish. 365 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,928 Fine. If you want to dicker. 366 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,463 (both laughing) 367 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,066 Good one, dude. 368 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,171 Hey. 369 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,073 What's in the bag? 370 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,541 Butter brickle ice cream 371 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,510 with marshmallow fluff and chocolate sprinkles. 372 00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:18,945 Oh, Charlie, no. 373 00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,880 What?! 374 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,582 "What?!" 375 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,218 Only one person on earth puts chocolate sprinkles 376 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,687 and marshmallow fluff on butter brickle ice cream. 377 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:28,821 Congratulations, Sherlock. 378 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,690 You cracked the case. 379 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,225 She is a married woman, Charlie. 380 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,094 I can't help it. I love her. 381 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,628 Oh, please. You didn't start loving her 382 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,430 until you found out you couldn't have her. 383 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:41,201 So? That doesn't make it... not love. 384 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,170 But what if her husband catches you? 385 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:44,937 Then he shoots me, and you can have my house and my car. 386 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,341 Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting. 387 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,913 (sighs) 388 00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,482 (thudding) Ow! 389 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,650 Son of a bitch! 390 00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,153 (breaking wind) 391 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,155 JAKE: Dude, don't waste it. 392 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,357 Squeeze it in! 393 00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,994 * Men. 394 00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,430 (panting) 395 00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,069 (grunting) 396 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:19,306 Not as easy as it looks, is it? 397 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,840 No. 398 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,375 Is your husband gone? 399 00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:23,843 He just left. We're alone. 400 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,845 Oh, great. Wait. 401 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,380 We agreed, just talking. 402 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,682 Right, right, right. Just talking. Let's talk. 403 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,085 Do you know what Manny said to me right before he left? 404 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,586 Um... "I love you, 405 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:36,256 "but it's okay to have an affair with Charlie, 406 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,791 'cause he's a swell guy and I'm secretly gay"? 407 00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,360 No. 408 00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,961 He said, in the whole world, 409 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,764 I'm the only one who can move him. 410 00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,800 Like I said, gay. 411 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:51,271 How can I betray a man like that? 412 00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:52,739 I can think of several ways. 413 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,775 You on top, you on bottom, everybody facing the TV. 414 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,344 Charlie. 415 00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,213 Who moves you, Rose? Him or me? 416 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,881 I don't know. I'm confused. 417 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,483 I love Manny. 418 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,052 But you and I are soul mates, like Romeo and Juliet. 419 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,521 Really? Did Romeo ever chew through the ropes 420 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,391 holding him to a radiator in a motel outside of Bakersfield 421 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,494 when Juliet was just trying to give him a birthday surprise? 422 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,996 Birthday surprise? You were going to brand me. 423 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:19,599 Branding is the new piercing, Charlie. 424 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:23,403 Fine. Pierce me, brand me, do anything you want. 425 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,572 Anything? It's just an expression. 426 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,041 Give me another chance, Rose. 427 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,678 No. It's wrong. 428 00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,781 Fine. You just say the word, and I'll go. 429 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,050 Time's up. 430 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,853 (sighing) 431 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:41,921 I love you. 432 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:44,023 I love you, too. 433 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:46,058 You know what this means, don't you? 434 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,060 I think so. 435 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,062 You're going to have to kill Manny. 436 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,465 What?! 437 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:53,933 Kidding. 438 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,369 Just wanted to see how far you'd go. 439 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,207 * Men. 440 00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:02,209 Can I tell you something, Rose? 441 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,776 Anything. 442 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:06,346 I've never felt happier and more at peace 443 00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,181 than I do at this very moment. 444 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:11,384 Who's being a little gay now? 445 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,594 (phone chimes) 446 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,199 Oh. It's a text from Manny. 447 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,835 He's on his way home. You have to go. 448 00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,704 When can I see you again? 449 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,473 You can't. This was a mistake. 450 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,974 How can you say that? 451 00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:37,244 Charlie, I love my husband. 452 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,845 Forget Manny. Run away with me. 453 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:39,979 You don't mean that. 454 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:40,847 I do. 455 00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:41,848 Come on, Charlie. 456 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,149 If you had me to yourself, 457 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,784 you'd be tired of me within a year. 458 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,753 Then you can go back to Manny. Everybody wins. 459 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,224 Go. 460 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,427 I love you. 461 00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:04,737 Oh, aren't you the naughty boy who likes to watch? 462 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,873 * Men. 463 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:11,210 * Men. 464 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:12,445 ELDRIDGE: Hurry up, dude. 465 00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,314 I'm about to blow. Hang on. 466 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,084 Hi. I'm Jake Harper, 467 00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,386 and you're about to witness 468 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,054 a little something we like to call... 469 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:25,124 "Fumes of Fury." 470 00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:26,726 Let's do this thing. All right. 471 00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:28,428 Remember, if for some reason 472 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,463 you don't reach the ocean, just tuck and roll. 473 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:31,931 Okay, just hurry up. 474 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,467 All right. Let 'er rip. 475 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,669 (breaking wind, flame roaring) 476 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,476 Dumbasses. 477 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,780 I can't believe nothing happened. 478 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,850 I wouldn't say that. I think I crapped my pants.