1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,071 * Men. 2 00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:05,073 I hope you don't mind, I used your toothbrush. 3 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,240 No problem. 4 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,042 Where'd you use it? 5 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:10,144 Nowhere your mouth hasn't been. 6 00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,816 You are so beautiful. 7 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,251 Thank you. 8 00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:19,820 Your-your hair. Your-your eyes. 9 00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:20,621 They're just amazing. 10 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,955 Charlie. 11 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,358 And this body-- it's just perfect. 12 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,327 Thank you. 13 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:27,628 So... 14 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,631 why don't I want to have sex with you anymore? 15 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,832 You don't? 16 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,534 I'm sorry. 17 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,635 No, no, no. It's okay. 18 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,537 I don't want to have sex with you, either. 19 00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:37,971 Oh, thank God. 20 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,540 I was feeling so guilty. 21 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:40,808 Me, too! 22 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:41,842 When did you know it was over? 23 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,977 Ah, about two weeks ago. 24 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,045 Remember? Alan took Jake to the movies, 25 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,214 and we did it on the deck. 26 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,048 All I could think about 27 00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:49,183 was picking up the champagne bottle 28 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,884 and caving in your skull. 29 00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,753 Were you angry with me? 30 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,656 No, no. It was more just a way to kill time. 31 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,559 You know, fantasizing if I could get away with it. 32 00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,693 Interesting. 33 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,862 I fantasized about you having a heart attack 34 00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,531 or getting hit by a bus. 35 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,965 That way, I wouldn't be a suspect, 36 00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,534 and people would feel sorry for me. 37 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,169 Smart. 38 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,104 So, when did you know? 39 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,805 It was in the limo, wasn't it? 40 00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,574 Yep. Yeah. 41 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:15,343 I could tell your attention was wandering. 42 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,945 Every time I looked up, you were somewhere else. 43 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:19,347 I hate to say it, 44 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,048 but I was making believe you were another woman. 45 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,284 Well, that doesn't necessarily mean it's over. 46 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:26,454 I pretended you were the big blue chick from Avatar. 47 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:30,824 It's over. 48 00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:34,162 So, what do we do now? 49 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:36,497 Part friends, I guess. 50 00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:37,498 I'd like that. 51 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:38,932 It's getting kind of late. 52 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:39,967 You're welcome to spend the night. 53 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,302 Oh, that's very sweet, 54 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,237 but I want to get as far away from you as I can. 55 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,574 That's okay. I just got Avatar on DVD. 56 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,712 So, we're all good? 57 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:52,980 Absolutely. 58 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,183 All right. I'll go get dressed. 59 00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:01,255 (farts loudly) 60 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,123 You couldn't wait till I'm gone? 61 00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:05,526 Didn't seem to be any point. 62 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,531 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 63 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,934 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 64 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:17,070 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 65 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,173 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 66 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,575 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 67 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,678 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 68 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:29,450 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 69 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,890 * Men. 70 00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:39,427 Morning. 71 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,728 Morning. 72 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,363 Online poker? 73 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:45,499 Live girl-on-girl porn. 74 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,668 Really? At 7:00 a.m.? 75 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,838 It's not 7:00 a.m. in Copenhagen. 76 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,209 How can you tell? There's no windows. 77 00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:01,515 Well, me, I like to start my day with a cup of coffee. 78 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,917 Instant energy, and it helps me poop. 79 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:10,558 Mm, mm, mm. 80 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:14,161 Somebody's having the breakfast of champions. 81 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:16,797 They say it's the most important meal of the day. 82 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,533 Oh, please tell me Courtney isn't up in your bedroom 83 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,768 while you're looking at this stuff. 84 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:23,404 Courtney went home. We broke up. 85 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,973 Oh. And you're trying to fill the void 86 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:30,544 and mend your broken heart at DanishMunchers.com. 87 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:34,315 Yeah. Something like that. 88 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,749 So, what happened? 89 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,151 Nothing happened. It just ran its course. 90 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,853 Wow, that's hard to imagine. 91 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,054 She's so hot. 92 00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,323 Let me tell you something, Alan. 93 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,792 For every gorgeous woman in the world, 94 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:47,928 there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her. 95 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:51,665 But that guy's never me. 96 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,167 I got to get out of the house. 97 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,169 Maybe go to the movies. Is Jake here? 98 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,405 Uh, no. He's having a party 99 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,806 over at his mom's house tonight. 100 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:00,708 Oh, damn. Did I forget his birthday? 101 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,010 Oh, no, no, no. It's just one of those teenage parties. 102 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,579 Uh, but for the record, his birthday was six months ago, 103 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:06,914 and yes, you did forget it. 104 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,215 Oh, man. 105 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,583 How old was he? 106 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,217 Sixteen. 107 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:11,485 Huh. 108 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,521 No wonder he keeps asking to borrow my car. 109 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,055 I guess I'll just go to the movies by myself. 110 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,424 You want some company? 111 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:20,394 Hello? That's why I was asking about Jake. 112 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:32,172 Good morning, ladies. 113 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,875 CHARLIE: No masturbating in the kitchen! 114 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:39,413 What do you say we go someplace a little quieter? 115 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:44,084 * Men. 116 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:47,788 (playing note) 117 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:48,722 Hey, what ya working on? 118 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:49,857 It's a jingle 119 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,492 for a new kids' breakfast cereal. 120 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:52,993 Oh, cool. Can I hear it? 121 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,728 I guess. 122 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:58,932 Picture this over animated dancing monkeys and zebras. 123 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,134 Got it. 124 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,504 (playing dark, dramatic tune) 125 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:08,208 * Start your day with a big hooray * 126 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,078 * Chocolate Diddlers 127 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,447 * Chocolate Diddlers 128 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:18,352 * Bowl of fun for everyone 129 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:23,691 * Chocolate Diddlers, Chocolate Diddlers * 130 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:27,361 * Yum. 131 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,431 Uh... 132 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,932 Well, I like the lyric. 133 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,267 Uh, you know, it's kind of... 134 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,236 It's upbeat, uh, celebratory. 135 00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,972 You know, "hooray, fun, yum." 136 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,074 Um, if I had a note... 137 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,410 uh, it would be the music. 138 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,911 What about it? 139 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:47,415 Uh, well, it doesn't say, "Yummy breakfast treat" 140 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,984 so much as it says, "My puppy's dead." 141 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,753 (sighs) 142 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,455 Yeah, I've been a little down lately. 143 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,690 I know. I know. But, uh... but keep workin' on it. 144 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:57,458 Okay. 145 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:58,426 Well, I'm off. 146 00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,993 Where you going? 147 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,629 Uh, to have drinks with Lyndsey and a few of her friends. 148 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,330 Have a good time. 149 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:06,033 You know, you're welcome to tag along. 150 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,968 I mean, a couple of these women are divorced, 151 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,638 and got a few miles on 'em, but they've been liposucked 152 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:14,174 to within an inch of their lives, so they present well. 153 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,375 That's okay, I got to work. 154 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,677 You sure? For somebody like you, 155 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,245 it'd be shooting fish in a barrel. 156 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,648 Although in this case, the fish would be 40-year-old, 157 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,082 neurotic soccer moms, 158 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,718 and the barrel would be a Bennigan's in Encino. 159 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,120 Sounds tempting, but I'll pass. 160 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,422 Okay, good night. 161 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,257 (playing dark, dramatic tune) 162 00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:31,391 Honestly, 163 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,026 think more bouncy. 164 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:36,797 Happy. "I love Chocolate Diddlers, yay!" 165 00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,899 Got it. 166 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,570 (door closes) 167 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:45,673 Okay, bouncy, happy. 168 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,678 (playing bouncy tune) 169 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,480 * C is for chocolate 170 00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,181 * D is diabetes 171 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,149 * Do your kids a favor 172 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,718 * Buy a box of Wheaties 173 00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,721 * Chocolate Diddlers, yay! 174 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,792 Okay. 175 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,494 That's a good day's work. 176 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,496 * Men. 177 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:18,906 Hi. 178 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,474 Hi. 179 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:21,942 Charlie. 180 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,410 Veronica. 181 00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:24,512 How's life treating you, Veronica? 182 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:27,080 Not too bad. How about you? 183 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,717 Well, that depends on which answer you want. 184 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,184 There's more than one? 185 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:34,021 Well, I could give you the "Everything's hunky-dory. 186 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,388 "I live at the beach, drive a nice car, 187 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,190 and have a python in my pants" answer. 188 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,391 Or I could tell you the truth. 189 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,161 You have an inchworm in your pants? 190 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,864 No, the python part's true. 191 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:47,367 Okay, so what is wrong with Charlie? 192 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,436 All right, fine. I'll tell you. 193 00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,971 Two bourbons, straight up. 194 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,272 You want anything? 195 00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:53,941 I'm good. 196 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,244 I'll spare you the details of my selfish, narcissistic, 197 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,411 soul-sucking mother, 198 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,948 my deadbeat, oddly effeminate brother, 199 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,216 and the future organ donor we call my nephew. 200 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:04,351 Okay. 201 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:05,619 And just to bring you up to speed 202 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,054 on my recent romantic adventures, 203 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,823 about this time last year, I was engaged 204 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,525 to the greatest gal I'd ever met. 205 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:12,626 Uh-huh. 206 00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:13,994 So, what went wrong? 207 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,796 Hard to pinpoint. 208 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,430 It could've been my-my drinking, 209 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,966 my compulsive gambling... 210 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,569 Or it could've been me sleeping with her best friend. 211 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,938 I can see why it'd be hard to pinpoint. 212 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,206 I know, right? 213 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:27,875 So, anyway, 214 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,409 she dumped me for a nice guy, 215 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,878 but I got right back on the horse 216 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,846 and married a drug-addled stripper. 217 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,414 And that didn't work out? 218 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,617 Not for the reasons you'd think. 219 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,451 She was already married. 220 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,920 Whoops. 221 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,590 So I figured maybe I'd take a break for a while 222 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,457 from the dating and just see hookers. 223 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,894 Sure. 224 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,730 Yeah, I'm aware of the social stigma, 225 00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:50,798 but I like to think of prostitution 226 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,733 as trickle-down economics. 227 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,802 Actually, it's all kind of trickle-down. 228 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,436 It's very Republican, when you think about it. 229 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,672 Uh-huh. 230 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:01,775 You know what? I will have another drink. 231 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,712 So anyway, I take the moral high ground 232 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,346 and try to break up with the 47-year-old, 233 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,982 so I won't be tempted to hit on her hot, 20-year-old daughter. 234 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,483 Laudable. 235 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,819 But surprise, surprise, 236 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,153 Mom breaks up with me first 237 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,487 'cause she finds out I still have feelings 238 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,823 for this crazy broad that stalks me. 239 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,324 Next thing I know, my ex-girlfriend 240 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,859 gets out of prison, I'm right in the middle of... 241 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,493 Can I stop you a sec? 242 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,561 Sure. 243 00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,496 Thank you. 244 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,431 For what? 245 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:25,866 I came in here tonight 246 00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,468 because I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend. 247 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:29,703 But after listening to you, 248 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,471 I realize I was unfair to him. 249 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:33,841 There's something below "pig." 250 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,611 Okay. Well, I'm glad I could help. 251 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,882 How's life treating you? 252 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,085 In what universe did I not hear everything you just said? 253 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,956 Nobody likes an eavesdropper. 254 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:54,261 * Men. 255 00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,263 (music playing) 256 00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:02,469 Dude, your party is a total sausage fest. 257 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,904 Hey, you're the one who said, 258 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,372 "Let's not invite the girls we know. 259 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,606 Let's meet new girls." 260 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,608 Exactly. So did you invite them? 261 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,911 Who? The girls we don't know. 262 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,747 Dude, how can I invite them if I don't know them? 263 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:17,150 Good point, dude. 264 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:20,988 Guess who brought beer! 265 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,622 Oh, God. 266 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:27,394 Wow. This is a total sausage fest. 267 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,462 Told you, dude. 268 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:32,666 Hey, gang, there's hot quesadillas in the kitchen. 269 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,868 Charlie? What the hell are you doing here? 270 00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:36,670 Well, I heard Jake was having a party. 271 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,038 I thought I'd stop by. 272 00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:40,240 To hang out with a bunch of teenagers? 273 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,242 Yeah, that occurred to me. 274 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,845 The cabdriver thought it was a good idea. 275 00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:47,848 And it's a really long drive. 276 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,783 There's something seriously wrong with you. 277 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,719 Get help. 278 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,954 First I got to get another cab. 279 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,089 Taxi! 280 00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,027 It was nice of him to bring beer. 281 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:03,330 He's a crazy bastard, but he's got good manners. 282 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,799 CHARLIE: Taxi! 283 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,836 * Men. 284 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,671 (loud knocking) 285 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,874 CHARLIE: Knock, knock! 286 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,809 Not a good time! 287 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,379 (slurring): Alan, you're supposed to say, "Who's there?" 288 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,081 That's okay, I'll say it. 289 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,783 Who's there? 290 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,452 Go away, Charlie. 291 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,820 (door opens) 292 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:30,290 Go away Charlie who? 293 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,424 I am very sorry. 294 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:32,692 What do you want? 295 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,561 I just wanted to give you a heads-up 296 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:36,930 that your ex-wife's gonna be calling you in the morning, 297 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:40,467 and it's not gonna be a pretty call. 298 00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:42,402 Hi, Lyndsey. 299 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,837 Hi, Charlie. 300 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:47,040 You're a saint for having sex with my brother. 301 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:48,708 Okay. 302 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:49,743 Good night. 303 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,244 No, really... 304 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:54,214 it's like taking a bird with a-a busted wing 305 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,183 and putting him in a shoebox 306 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:59,152 and feeding him with an eyedropper. 307 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:04,124 You know he's never gonna fly, but you give it your best shot. 308 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,360 Alan's the bird. 309 00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:10,597 What are you doing? 310 00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,866 Just resting. 311 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,102 Your brother needs help. 312 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,603 I know. 313 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:19,506 And-and for the record, I believe I will fly again. 314 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,875 * Men. 315 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,512 * Men. 316 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,247 What do you want me to do, Judith? 317 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,216 He's a drunk with a lot of money-- 318 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,351 you can't control people like that. 319 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,454 The best you can do is stay on their good side 320 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:38,458 so you can inherit their house after they crap out their liver. 321 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:43,363 As a matter of fact, I have given it a lot of thought. 322 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,366 Oh, oh, fine, I will talk to him about it. 323 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,368 Okay, okay, bye. 324 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,503 Still think you're getting the house, huh? 325 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,973 What? Not important. 326 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,274 CHARLIE: Alan? 327 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,208 Yeah? 328 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,477 Why did I wake up in your bed? 329 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,979 You passed out there. 330 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,016 Did we break any biblical laws? 331 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:08,221 No. Uh, Lyndsey and I went up to your room. 332 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,522 Ew, gross. 333 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,825 Did you have sex in my bed? 334 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,526 No. Actually, the romance of the evening 335 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,329 pretty much evaporated after you curled up at our feet 336 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,365 like a drunken Labrador. 337 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,168 Well, that's good. 338 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:25,205 Let's play it safe and take those sheets out of rotation. 339 00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,307 Uh, just to put it on the record, 340 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,676 I'm officially telling you, on behalf of my ex-wife, 341 00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:30,878 don't ever do that again. 342 00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,412 Don't ever do what again? 343 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,916 Doesn't matter-- I've fulfilled my obligation. 344 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,218 You know, Alan, 345 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:41,621 I'm starting to think I'm not living up to my full potential. 346 00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,156 Really? 347 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:46,393 You think you can hump and drink even more? 348 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,427 No. 349 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,229 Well, maybe. 350 00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:50,830 The thing is, I woke up this morning 351 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,466 and there were these little voices in my head 352 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,802 telling me to get help. 353 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,171 Get help. 354 00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,772 LYNDSEY: Your brother needs help. 355 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,441 ALAN: I will fly again. 356 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:02,809 Better I realize it 357 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,711 before somebody has to point it out, huh? 358 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,279 Mm-hmm, no doubt. 359 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,216 So, what are you gonna do with this newfound insight? 360 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,751 Well, I think it might be time to go back to my shrink. 361 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,387 Mm. Talk about your issues. 362 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,890 Renew my prescriptions. 363 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:19,026 Much more in character. 364 00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,430 * Men. 365 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,664 (door opens) 366 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,533 Come on in, Charlie. 367 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,367 Thanks. 368 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:30,971 Well, it's been a while. 369 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,272 How you doing? 370 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,740 Good. Good. 371 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:37,277 Really? You usually only come to see me when your hair's on fire 372 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,147 and someone's chasing you with gasoline. 373 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,149 (chuckles) That almost happened to me once. 374 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,617 Thank God I was able to pee on the matches. 375 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,553 So, what's going on? 376 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,489 Well, I just recently broke up with this terrific gal, 377 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,559 and I guess I've been in kind of an emotional tailspin. 378 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,162 Mm-hmm. Been drinking heavier than usual? 379 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,364 Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner. 380 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:01,701 Uh-huh. And how many dinners have you had today? 381 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,736 Three. 382 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,405 So far. 383 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:06,639 Okay. Go on. 384 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,408 And it's not just this breakup. 385 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:11,111 For the last couple of years, I've been trying really hard 386 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:12,512 to have a meaningful relationship. 387 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,381 You know, as opposed to picking up 388 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:17,684 some pretty little thing for a quick bag, shag and skedaddle. 389 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,788 "Bag, shag and skedaddle." 390 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,423 That's charming. 391 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:27,594 Anyway, no matter how hard I try to have something more lasting, 392 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,430 more meaningful, the end result is always the same. 393 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:33,166 At some point, I got to consider the possibility 394 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,767 that the problem might be me. 395 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,304 That's not a bad instinct. 396 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,506 I mean, if I'm doing something wrong with all these women, 397 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,975 it'd probably be helpful if I had a clue what it was. 398 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,443 Well, if you had to guess, 399 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,612 what would you say you're doing wrong? 400 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:46,779 I don't know. 401 00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:49,249 I love too much? 402 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,652 Guess again. 403 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,821 I'm afraid of intimacy? 404 00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,289 Do you believe that to be true? 405 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,358 Not really. I just hear it all the time. 406 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,128 Dr. Phil, movies, TV shows, ex-girlfriends. 407 00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:03,163 Let me ask you something. 408 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:06,033 What do you think being truly intimate with a woman is? 409 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,501 Uh... 410 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,171 not using a condom? 411 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,274 Wow. 412 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,643 What? 413 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,577 I'm sorry. 414 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,412 I-I didn't expect that. 415 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,781 But what I'm trying to point you to 416 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:24,484 is the kind of intimacy where you feel safe enough 417 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,219 to be completely honest with a woman, 418 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:27,754 to tell her how you really feel. 419 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,390 Oh, come on! Nobody cares how you really feel. 420 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,958 And what's a guy like me feel anyway? 421 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,526 I'll tell you-- 422 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:37,064 tired, hungry, horny, hungover, happy, sad and pissed off. 423 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,633 And sad and pissed off only come into play 424 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,002 because I'm horny, hungry, hungover and tired. 425 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,571 You know what? 426 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,673 Let's table the intimacy discussion for the moment 427 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,875 and talk about your other relationships. 428 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,577 What other relationships? 429 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,579 Well, if I recall, we've spoken at great length 430 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:54,414 about your feelings towards your mother, 431 00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:55,782 your brother and your nephew. 432 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,718 Pissed off, pissed off, sad. 433 00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,353 Sure. 434 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,089 How about non-familial relationships? 435 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,157 What, you mean like friends? Yes. 436 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,159 Then why don't you just say friends? I've got the diplomas, Charlie. 437 00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,361 I like to use them. 438 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:12,299 Okay, well, the answer to your question is, uh... 439 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,834 I don't really have that many friends. 440 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,803 Well, how many friends would you say you have? 441 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:20,540 You know, I'm starting to feel a little pissed off right now. 442 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,575 Do you have any friends, Charlie? 443 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,844 Oh, come on. I'm a grown man. I have acquaintances. 444 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,046 Do you spend time with these acquaintances? 445 00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:29,316 For what? To talk about my feelings? 446 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,086 I'm not one to indulge in a lot of chitchat 447 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:34,854 unless I feel like it's gonna get me laid. 448 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:37,557 I'm just saying it might be nice to have some relationships 449 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,159 in your life that aren't based solely 450 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,228 on you trying to get someone into bed. 451 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,465 You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? 452 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:46,566 Not a clue. 453 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,568 Okay, now I'm pissed off and sad. 454 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:52,572 Maybe you didn't have enough dinner. 455 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,710 * Men. 456 00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:58,878 Thank you. 457 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,213 Are you sure you should be drinking 458 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,514 if you're on medication? 459 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,250 Nah, she wouldn't give me anything. 460 00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:04,484 Said I'd abuse it. 461 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:05,852 Where does that come from? 462 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,423 One more. 463 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,626 So, uh, did you get anything out of the session? 464 00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,628 Not really. She kept saying I need 465 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,497 to develop relationships that aren't about sex. 466 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,432 You know, I can see the wisdom in that. 467 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,800 Well, sure you can. You didn't get laid 468 00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,802 the last nine years of a 12-year marriage. 469 00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:24,204 Not true. 470 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,738 There were birthdays. 471 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,474 Let's pretend for a second the shrink is right. 472 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:28,908 What am I supposed to do? 473 00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,010 Just somehow go out and make new guy friends? 474 00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,280 Who does that? 475 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,515 Couldn't hurt to try. 476 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,651 Hey, there. How are you? 477 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,787 Good. You? 478 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,689 I've already lost interest. 479 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:47,360 Well, I can't fault you for trying. 480 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,596 I mean, I'm not against having a friend in theory, 481 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,699 but I'm a 43-year-old man who's kind of set in his ways. 482 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,934 Where am I supposed to go meet this new buddy? 483 00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:57,704 Did you consider you could have a woman as a friend? 484 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,206 Alan, have you not been listening? 485 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:00,707 She said no sex. 486 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,142 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 487 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,977 I don't have many friends, either. 488 00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,846 You don't have any friends. 489 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,248 Yeah, well, neither do you. 490 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:09,482 But that's my choice. 491 00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:10,850 You-- you're just a social pariah. 492 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,920 And you're a malignancy on the ass of mankind. 493 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:20,260 So, you want to pick up a pizza on the way home? 494 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,428 Pizza, really? 495 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,895 Fine, what do you want? 496 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,232 Um, I was thinking Chinese. 497 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:26,699 We just had Chinese. How about ribs? 498 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,901 Oh, great, but I'm a little low on cash. 499 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,169 What's "a little low" mean? 500 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,205 Nothing. 501 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,709 All right, fine, I'll buy, but I get to pick the movie. 502 00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:39,078 Oh, we don't have to watch a movie-- I TiVo'd Glee. 503 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,880 Terrific. I'm alone and miserable, 504 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,449 and you want to torture me with hot chicks 505 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,783 in cheerleading outfits. 506 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:47,287 Singing hot chicks. It's Wang Chung week. 507 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,855 For God's sake, Alan. 508 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:51,023 Why don't you just put on a pair of ass-less chaps 509 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:52,259 and get it over with? 510 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,727 I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual. 511 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,497 That's just a gay man who can't get laid. 512 00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,466 * Men. 513 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,540 * Everybody Wang Chung tonight 514 00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,076 The tall blonde chick in the red tracksuit 515 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,579 is really starting to freak me out. 516 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:16,316 (singing along with TV): * Everybody Wang Chung tonight 517 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,586 * Everybody have fun 518 00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,120 MERCEDES: * Deep in the world tonight... 519 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:24,724 I love Mercedes. You go, girl!