1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,574
All right, I have
turned "it" into "ziti,"

2
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,411
uh, with a triple letter on Z
and a double word on the I.

3
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:14,582
Plus, going down,
I've created "za."

4
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,884
Za?

5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,820
Uh, a colloquialism
for pizza.

6
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,289
One of the five
two-letter words

7
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,657
newly accepted by the National
Scrabble Association.

8
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,460
Unbelievable.

9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,529
You can call them
if you want.

10
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,899
That's what we
in Scrabble circles call

11
00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:33,467
a two tile takedown.

12
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,269
* Bom-bom!

13
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,105
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan,

14
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,472
is our limo here yet?

15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,208
Uh, sorry,
I haven't seen a limo.

16
00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:41,575
Oh, 100 points!

17
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,510
* Bow-bow!

18
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,046
That's a gorgeous dress,
Courtney.

19
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,281
Thanks. Charlie
insisted on buying it

20
00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:48,482
for me to wear
tonight.

21
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,983
What's the
charity again?

22
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,885
I don't know.
Landmines, orphans.

23
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,987
Landmines for orphans.

24
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,589
I just want
to show you off.

25
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:56,390
Oh.

26
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:57,791
Well, you look great.

27
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:58,826
Thank you.

28
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,828
No, no.
No, there's...

29
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,431
something...
something wrong.

30
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,498
What?

31
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,066
I don't know. I don't know.

32
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,735
Something's...
something's missing.

33
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,504
Oh, I got it.

34
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,039
Ta-dah!

35
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,407
Charlie!

36
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,742
(gasps)

37
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:16,344
You shouldn't have.

38
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,912
Well, you've done a
lot of things for me

39
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:21,149
you shouldn't have.

40
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,318
Oh, my...
Now you look great.

41
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,154
God, it is beautiful.

42
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,422
Thank you.

43
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,735
So, what are you
guys up to tonight?

44
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:45,038
Oh, not much. Just a quiet,
romantic evening at home.

45
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,674
Loser.

46
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,244
Come on, that's not fair.

47
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,780
No, it's my
word-- loser.

48
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,416
Oh. Oh. Oh, uh, well,
then I should point out

49
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:57,185
that you could have used the C

50
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,520
at the top of the board
and made "closer."

51
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,823
I'll stick with loser.

52
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,992
(phone ringing)

53
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,027
Yeah?

54
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,029
Great. We'll be right out.

55
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,264
Our chariot awaits.

56
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:11,199
Have fun.

57
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,566
Thanks. You, too.

58
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,734
Do me a favor.

59
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,968
When we get in the limo,

60
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,904
ask the driver
to put up the partition.

61
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:17,938
You bet.

62
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,440
Isn't that sweet?

63
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,542
She's gonna do more things
she shouldn't.

64
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,084
Gluten-free pretzel?

65
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,820
No, thanks.

66
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:36,023
Oh, I guess this isn't much
of a Saturday night date.

67
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,558
Alan, it's fine.

68
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,193
I like staying
in with you.

69
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:42,663
I could probably do
without the * Bom-bom!

70
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:45,299
Well, I just... I wish
I could take you out

71
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,935
and get you things
like Charlie does.

72
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,870
I don't need those things.

73
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,005
I mean, they're nice.

74
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,441
They're more than nice.

75
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,042
They're what every
girl dreams of.

76
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,044
But let's face it.

77
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:59,613
Some dreams just
have to die.

78
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,051
Well, I'm-I'm sorry
you had to settle.

79
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,053
I'm not settling.

80
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,621
I'm... I'm accepting.

81
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,090
So you're not rich and
successful like Charlie.

82
00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:12,059
So you can't take
me out in limos

83
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,461
and shower me in diamonds.

84
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,128
So there's no
expensive restaurants

85
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,664
or beautiful dresses.

86
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,071
But?

87
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,573
What?

88
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,708
Well, you know,
I can't take you out,

89
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:31,279
and I can't give
you stuff, but...

90
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:34,548
But... I love you?

91
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,484
Why?

92
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:41,255
Boy, you're just gonna keep
pushing this, aren't you?

93
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,424
No, no. You love me. I'm good.

94
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:44,958
Let's play Scrabble.

95
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,126
Mm.

96
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:47,495
Ooh, axolotl!

97
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,530
(laughs)

98
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,165
Uh...

99
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,901
(quietly):
* Bom-bom.

100
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:57,170
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

101
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,940
* Oh-oh.
* Men.
* Men.

102
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,676
* Men.

103
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,911
Morning.

104
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,913
Morning.

105
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,917
Pottery Barn?

106
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,419
Yeah, I'm looking for ideas

107
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,186
for a birthday present
for Lyndsey.

108
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,356
At the Pottery Barn?

109
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:17,291
Well, I don't have your money.

110
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,393
And there are ways
to communicate your feelings

111
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,562
for a woman besides
throwing diamonds at her.

112
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,398
True, but diamonds get you
limo skull.

113
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,568
Pottery Barn won't get you
dry humped

114
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,269
in the back of a city bus.

115
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,605
Charming.

116
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,308
So, uh, how was
the charity soirée last night?

117
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,010
I don't know. We never
made it out of the limo.

118
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:39,547
Charlie, do you have any idea
how bad you're making me look?

119
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,315
Oh, buddy, that's not me.

120
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,517
That's genetics
and barber school haircuts.

121
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,753
I'm serious. How do you think
it makes me feel

122
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,188
when I'm with Lyndsey,
and I have to watch you

123
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,323
shower Courtney
with limos and diamonds?

124
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:50,958
Huh. I never thought about that.

125
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,393
I do have a solution, though.

126
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,762
What's that?
Move out.

127
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,397
I-I'm just saying,

128
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,665
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't do so much

129
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,066
of that stuff in front of us.

130
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,534
Again, I have
a solution.

131
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,302
All right, all right, let's just
stipulate for the record

132
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,938
that you want me to move out and
I'm not going anywhere, okay?

133
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,239
What is it you'd have me do?

134
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,641
Not enjoy the money that I earn?

135
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,443
Not lavish it
on the people that I love?

136
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,178
Sneak around in the middle
of the night giving gifts

137
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,313
to my girlfriend, so you don't
get your feelings hurt?

138
00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:15,916
Is that something
you'd consider?

139
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:19,387
No, but I'll tell you
what I will do.
Oh, what's that?

140
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,088
If I should come home some night

141
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,291
to find you standing on a chair
with a rope around your neck

142
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,459
because you can't bear
another moment

143
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:26,894
of your pathetic life,

144
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,663
I give you my word,
I will kick the chair.

145
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,469
Ooh! Santa Claus bottle stopper.

146
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,505
Only 12 dollars.

147
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,708
I can get her two.

148
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,976
* Men.

149
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,678
Dad?

150
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,714
Yeah?

151
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,349
I need money.

152
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,351
Join the club.

153
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:53,821
Seriously. My clothes
are getting too small.

154
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,989
Jake, I give your mother money
every month

155
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,826
for the express purpose
of buying you whatever you need.

156
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,994
Yeah, well,
that's not how she sees it.

157
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,397
I don't know what
to tell you, buddy.

158
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,132
Things are a little tight
right now.

159
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,600
So are my shoes.

160
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:09,837
What do you want me to do,
tap into your college fund?

161
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:12,305
I guess not.

162
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,007
Hang on a second.

163
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,578
Let's not throw that idea out
so quickly.

164
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,979
What do you mean?

165
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,781
Well, realistically,

166
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:23,917
do you actually see yourself
going to college?

167
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,218
Because if you don't,

168
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,321
we could use that money
to buy you some new clothes,

169
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,591
plus maybe some other things.

170
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,225
You know, it's funny
that you ask that.

171
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,495
I had no interest in college
until a few days ago.

172
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,096
What changed?

173
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,066
I saw this video called
Topless Coeds of the Big Ten,

174
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,502
and I decided
I need to go to college.

175
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:45,138
You expect me
to pay 30, 40,000 dollars a year

176
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,875
so you can meet drunk girls
who lift their shirts?

177
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,977
Yes, please.

178
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,513
(grunts)

179
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,247
Is that a no
on the clothes money?

180
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,450
I'll talk
to your mother about it.

181
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:59,019
Oh, now I'm filled
with hope.

182
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,622
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan,
come here.

183
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:05,125
Are you gonna
make me feel worse?

184
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,760
Is that even
possible?

185
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:10,197
I wouldn't think so, but
you usually find a way.

186
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,666
What do you want?

187
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,635
Well, I couldn't help
but overhear you trying

188
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,637
to talk Huckleberry out
of getting an education.

189
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,305
Yeah, not my proudest moment.

190
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,940
But I'm desperate to find a way

191
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,775
to buy Lyndsey a decent
birthday present.

192
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,777
All right,
here's what I'm gonna do.

193
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,647
I'm gonna "lend" you enough so
you can buy her something nice.

194
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,215
How much are we talking about?

195
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,382
Are you kidding?

196
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,484
You're negotiating with me?!

197
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,219
No, no, forget it.

198
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,088
I appreciate the offer, but
I'm not gonna take your money.

199
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,891
I'm-I'm sorry. I think I might
have just had a small stroke.

200
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,694
I thought I heard you say
you're not gonna take my money.

201
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,029
Yeah, you heard me right.

202
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,463
I have to find a way

203
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,499
to buy Lyndsey a nice present
on my own.

204
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,600
It's a matter of self-respect.

205
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,702
Little late for that, isn't it?

206
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,170
If it was for me,
I'd take your money.

207
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,606
If it was for you,
I wouldn't offer it.

208
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,107
But this is my girlfriend.

209
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,677
If I can't do this one thing
for her,

210
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,612
then maybe
I just don't deserve her.

211
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,313
Okay, what's your plan?

212
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,849
I'm not sure,

213
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,652
but when Alan Harper sets
his mind to something,

214
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,521
just stand back
and watch it happen.

215
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,889
Yeah, right.

216
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,891
Cue the theme from Rocky.

217
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:14,795
(Instrumental intro
for Gonna Fly Now plays)

218
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,259
*

219
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:08,115
* Trying hard now

220
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:13,153
* It's so hard now

221
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:17,224
* Trying hard now...

222
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,056
*

223
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:02,235
* Getting strong now

224
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:06,306
* Won't be long now

225
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:09,009
* Getting strong now...

226
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:12,245
(Charlie playing
Rocky theme song on piano)

227
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,352
(song ends)

228
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,354
(Alan grumbling)

229
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,695
Need some help?

230
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,998
A little late to ask,
don't you think?

231
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:31,999
Nope.

232
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,166
(sighs)

233
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:35,135
Well, the good news is,

234
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:36,937
I am done.

235
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,939
I have accomplished my mission.

236
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,974
After three weeks
of 16-hour days

237
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,542
at the office and the mall,

238
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:44,111
I have managed
to earn enough money

239
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,479
to buy Lyndsey
a beautiful birthday present.

240
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:47,915
Voilà!

241
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:53,653
A matching set of natural
South Sea Island pearls.

242
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,155
No kidding?

243
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,023
Mm-hmm.

244
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,991
And you got these at the mall?

245
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,526
Uh, well, in the
mall parking lot.

246
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:03,263
Oh, Alan, you bought pearls
from a guy in a parking lot?

247
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,531
(groans) Not a guy.

248
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,599
A Tahitian wholesaler.

249
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,036
Do you have any idea
what the mark-up is
on these things?

250
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,504
By eliminating the middleman,
I saved a fortune.

251
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:12,706
You sure about that?

252
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,574
Oh, don't worry,
they're real.

253
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:17,778
I have a certificate
of authenticity.

254
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:22,015
The word "authentic"
doesn't have a "K" in it.

255
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:25,719
It's the man's second
language, Charlie.

256
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,156
All right, but for
future reference,

257
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,858
the way you can tell for
sure if pearls are real

258
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,225
is you rub them
on your teeth.

259
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,761
If they're rough,
they're real,

260
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,062
if they're smooth,
they're fake.

261
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,430
Well, fine, fine--
I will prove it to you.

262
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:38,866
See?

263
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,169
Mmm, rough.

264
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,438
And... oddly minty.

265
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:55,415
(crunching)

266
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,556
Oh, darn.

267
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,759
* Men...

268
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,162
* Men...

269
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,430
Morning.

270
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:11,899
Morning. Hey, nice pearls.

271
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,034
Found them in the garbage.

272
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,904
Strange some of the things
people throw away.

273
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,940
I also found what looked like
a half-written suicide note

274
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,474
in your brother's
handwriting.

275
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,342
No kidding?

276
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,811
Should I be worried?

277
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:27,147
You mean that he won't
go through with it?

278
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,616
He'll be fine-- he's just
having some money problems.

279
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,018
Okay. But fair warning--

280
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,887
he offs himself,
I ain't cleaning it up.

281
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,456
Who's offing themselves?

282
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:37,357
Nobody.

283
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,992
Nobody important.

284
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,462
Hey, I was wondering,
are you going anywhere today?

285
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,098
Don't try to play me,
knucklehead, just ask.

286
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,633
Can I borrow your car?
No.

287
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:49,236
Come on.
Dude, that's
a very expensive car.

288
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,471
There's no way I'm
putting you behind that wheel.

289
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:52,906
See you later, Charlie.
I'm going shopping.

290
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,207
Have fun.
JAKE:
Courtney,

291
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,009
are you taking
Uncle Charlie's car?

292
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:58,411
Yeah. Why?
I was just thinking
maybe I could drive you.

293
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,113
Save you the hassle
of parking and everything.

294
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,349
Oh, aren't you
the sweetest thing.

295
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,383
Thanks.

296
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,517
See you, handsome!

297
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,888
Yeah, see you, handsome.

298
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,391
Wonderful.

299
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,928
I just got outsmarted
by Mr. Potato Head.

300
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,265
* Men...

301
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:21,468
(football game playing
at low volume)

302
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,872
Hey.
Hey.

303
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,646
I did a bad
thing, Charlie.

304
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:34,581
Uh-huh.

305
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,719
A very bad thing.

306
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,221
Sorry to hear it.

307
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,291
I don't even want
to tell you about it.

308
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,459
Good.
I am so ashamed...

309
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,996
Okay, we both know
you're gonna tell me,
so just tell me.

310
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,497
Well, in order
to explain it,

311
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,800
I have to go back
a few years.
Oh, please, God help me.

312
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,802
Back when Judith and I
were still married

313
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:57,170
but having problems,
I decided

314
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,506
to try to make her happy
by buying her

315
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,909
a really nice pair
or diamond earrings.

316
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,676
You could afford
diamond earrings?

317
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:05,445
No alimony,
no child support.

318
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,947
It was a bountiful time.

319
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,615
Uh-huh.
Anyway,

320
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,818
I spent a fortune on them and
I wrapped them up really nice

321
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,420
and took her to
an expensive restaurant

322
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,488
and gave them to her
over cocktails.

323
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:16,890
And?

324
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:19,492
She said, "Thanks,"
ordered the lobster,

325
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,361
then filed for divorce.

326
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,964
At which point,
I moved in with you.
(sighs)

327
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,198
You're right, Alan,

328
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,467
that was a
very bad thing.

329
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,803
Oh, no, no, that
was just the prologue.
Oh, please, God, help me.

330
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,705
So, this afternoon,
I was over at Judith's

331
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:35,642
to talk to her about using
my child support payments

332
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,477
to buy Jake new clothes.
Yeah?

333
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,446
She's against it.

334
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:42,749
We argued, she stormed
out of the room

335
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:45,052
and left me
standing there by myself

336
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,287
in the house I used to own.

337
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,889
Anyway, before I left,
I figured I'd pee.

338
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,758
I didn't really need
to, but, you know,

339
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,893
you got to figure with the
traffic, it's a good defensiv...

340
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,662
Would you please
get to it!

341
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:56,896
Al-Almost there,
almost there.

342
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,366
So, as I was walking
down the hallway,

343
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:03,303
I noticed that Judith's
bedroom door was open,

344
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:07,007
and... I thought about those
beautiful diamond earrings

345
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:09,242
just sitting there
in her jewelry box

346
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:12,179
and how I can't even afford
to buy my girlfriend

347
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,913
a birthday present.

348
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,182
Let me guess.

349
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,384
You peed in her
jewelry box.

350
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,123
Judith never even
wore them, Charlie.

351
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:26,426
You stole diamonds
from your ex-wife?

352
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,395
Yeah.

353
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,431
Kudos!

354
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:35,935
I don't even know
how it happened.

355
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,305
I mean, it was
like I was in a dream,

356
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:39,939
and my hands belonged
to someone else.

357
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:43,576
I have that same
dream all the time.

358
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,679
Except in mine, the hands
do belong to someone else.

359
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,815
I-I'm a good man, Charlie;
I play by the rules.

360
00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:50,117
This isn't me.

361
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,518
Sure it is. You
made up your mind

362
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,053
that you were gonna
figure out a way

363
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,654
to get Lyndsey a
nice birthday present.

364
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,656
The only part that isn't
you is that you succeeded.

365
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,892
I can't give these to Lyndsey--
they're tainted.

366
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,430
I have to sneak them back
into Judith's jewelry box.

367
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,598
Aw, you can't
do that.
Why not?

368
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,833
Don't you watch TV?

369
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,602
Every time the crooks try
to put the stolen loot back,

370
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:12,039
it always goes horribly,
and hilariously, wrong.

371
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,174
I will just have
to take that chance.

372
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,043
Tomorrow I am going
back to Judith's,

373
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,477
and I'm gonna make this right.

374
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,179
Suit yourself.

375
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:21,048
(football game playing
at low volume)

376
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,450
I don't suppose you
want to come with me?

377
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:27,054
Maybe distract her while
I put the earrings back?

378
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,655
Yeah, that sounds
like a great plan.

379
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:31,358
What could go wrong?

380
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,193
Okay, I'll
do it myself.

381
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,162
Don't call me
for bail money.

382
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,430
Why not? You were gonna
give me money to buy a present.

383
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,732
You're not even planning
to get away with it?

384
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,701
Well, of course I am.

385
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:45,205
I was always planning to become
an astronaut and a cowboy.

386
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,477
* Men...

387
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,081
Hey, baby.
(chuckles):
Hey!

388
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,916
How was shopping?
Oh, we had a great time.

389
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,286
Yeah, it was a blast.

390
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:04,023
Look-- I got the same watch
Johnny Depp has.

391
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:06,159
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, hold on.

392
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,394
You-you bought him all this?

393
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,129
Well, he was
so helpful.

394
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,098
Here you go, handsome.

395
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:15,302
Oh, by they way, you
got a parking ticket.

396
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:20,440
Damn it, Courtney,
I don't want you

397
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,309
buying stuff for that
clown on my credit card.

398
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,277
Why not? You
buy me stuff.

399
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,512
There's a difference.

400
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:26,446
What's that?

401
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,315
Well, you're having
sex with me,

402
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,750
and he's... well,
he's just screwing me.

403
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:35,054
(Jake chuckles evilly)

404
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,591
* Men...

405
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:40,993
You okay, honey?

406
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,195
Oh, yeah, yeah.

407
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,696
I'm-I'm just
a little tired.

408
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:44,964
Oh, of course you are.

409
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:47,100
You've been working so hard.
Mm-hmm.

410
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,768
I got a little
something for you.

411
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:52,205
Oh, Lyndsey, not tonight--
I'm dead from the waist down.

412
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,574
Silly! Not that.

413
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:55,742
This.

414
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,076
Oh. What is it?

415
00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:59,279
Open it and see.

416
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:04,151
"A day of pampering
at the Beverly Glen Spa"?

417
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,486
You can get a massage,
scalp treatment, facial,

418
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,054
mani-pedi, anything you want.

419
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,189
What's the occasion?

420
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,391
You're my man--
you deserve it.

421
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,896
Oh, boy.

422
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,198
What's the matter?

423
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:21,201
Well, your birthday's
on Saturday.

424
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,936
Alan... I told you,
I don't expect

425
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:25,705
anything fancy or expensive.

426
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,240
I know you don't.

427
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,442
(laughs softly)

428
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:33,713
Which is why I
got you these!

429
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,015
(gasps)

430
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:38,518
You shouldn't have!

431
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,287
Tell me about it.
(nervous chuckle)

432
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,289
They must have
cost a fortune!

433
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,890
(laughs) Oh, not really.

434
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,057
I stole 'em.

435
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,560
(both laughing)

436
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,364
* Men...

437
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,899
Oh. To my
birthday girl.

438
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,901
Thank you, sweetie.

439
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,305
How do they look?
Almost as beautiful as the
woman who's wearing them.

440
00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,540
Oh, Alan
(laughs)

441
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:01,974
Hey, hey, hey.

442
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:04,043
Judith. Judith, Herb.

443
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,246
(laughs)
Um, what a surprise.

444
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,114
What brings you here?

445
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,817
It's our, uh, weekly
in-lieu-of-sex dinner.

446
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,652
Herb!

447
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:14,354
Oopsy.

448
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,623
Hi, Lyndsey.
How have you been?

449
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:17,657
Good, thanks.

450
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,492
Uh, how about you?

451
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,160
Fine.

452
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,663
Alan, what is
wrong with you?

453
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:25,131
Oh, nothing.
I'm, uh, I'm just...

454
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,599
here with my girlfriend
having a little, uh,

455
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,935
a little birthday
celebration, you know.

456
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,337
What are
you doing?!

457
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,405
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I just, I love it

458
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:33,906
when your hair is down--
it's so sexy. You know?

459
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,744
He's right, it is.

460
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,280
Would you like to
join us for a drink?

461
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,414
Great idea!

462
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,584
Uh, so, Lyndsey,
uh, happy birthday.

463
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,386
Thank you.
Did you get anything special?

464
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:48,821
LYNDSEY:
Well, as a matter of fact...

465
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,024
All right, I just have
to say something here!

466
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:54,461
You-you whine
and moan about

467
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,496
not having enough money
to buy decent clothes

468
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,898
for our son, and yet...
somehow there's enough

469
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:02,669
for you go out and have a...
a big fancy dinner!

470
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:03,670
What?

471
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:04,537
Oh, oh, oh, oh,

472
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,239
are you suddenly
hard of hearing?

473
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:09,075
Or are you just...
allergic to the truth?!

474
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,477
Oh, hey, hold on...

475
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,412
No, no, no, no!
This needs to be said!

476
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,381
You should be
ashamed of yourself!

477
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:17,584
Shame! Shame, shame...

478
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,621
Shame.

479
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,892
Come on, Herb.
He's crazy.

480
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,460
Happy birthday,
Lyndsey.

481
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:28,928
I love the earrings.
JUDITH:
Herb!

482
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,630
Coming.

483
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:37,804
Can you believe
I was married to that bitch?

484
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,806
* Men...

485
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:46,379
Hey.
Hey.

486
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:47,880
Where have you been?

487
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:51,050
Oh, I was, uh, dropping
Jake off at his mother's.

488
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:52,485
How are you handling your guilt?

489
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,987
Oh, you mean
about the earrings?

490
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,290
Well, interesting thing.

491
00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:01,494
It's much easier
the second time.