1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:03,771 * Men. 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:07,041 I've been looking forward to this all year. 3 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:10,144 Giving you people the bird. 4 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,213 Oh, it looks great, Berta. What's your secret? 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,582 I bought it pre-cooked from the back of a truck. 6 00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,152 I don't know that I'd trust the stuffing. 7 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,721 (spoon chiming against glass) 8 00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:24,024 I'd like to make a little Thanksgiving toast. 9 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:26,094 I know you don't hear me say it very often, 10 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,529 but I really am thankful for every one of you. 11 00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:31,232 I've never heard you say that. You ever hear him say that? 12 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:34,502 I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. 13 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:39,107 Anyway, there comes a time in a man's life when he realizes 14 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,075 there's nothing more important that family. 15 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,743 Is he dying? 16 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,712 Probably just drunk. 17 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,149 And you know why family is so important? 18 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,584 Designated driver? Liver match. 19 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:51,719 Bail money? 20 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,454 Prescription medication to steal? 21 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,191 Would you please let me continue? 22 00:00:57,258 --> 00:01:00,794 Family is important, because no matter what happens, 23 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,231 they are the people who are there for you. 24 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,366 Good times, bad times, it doesn't matter. 25 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,901 Blood is thicker than water. 26 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,204 I just want you to know that... 27 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,206 I love you all. 28 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,541 (doorbell rings) 29 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,444 I'll get that. 30 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:19,747 Plowed. 31 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:22,216 Hiya, stranger. 32 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,985 Courtney. I thought you were in prison. 33 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,221 I was. But I'm out. 34 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,656 Want to go to Vegas? 35 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:30,124 Are you crazy? I'm in the middle of 36 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:31,692 Thanksgiving dinner with my family. 37 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,827 Not to mention the fact that the last time we were together 38 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:34,995 you kind of ripped me off. 39 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:37,265 I haven't had sex in three years. 40 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,667 Good-bye, everybody! 41 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,104 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 42 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:47,508 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 43 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,444 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 44 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,546 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 45 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:55,349 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 46 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:58,486 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 47 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:03,291 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 48 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,764 * Men. 49 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:14,067 CHARLIE & COURTNEY: * Viva Las Vegas, chucka-chucka-chucka * 50 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:18,506 * Viva... viva... Las Vegas! 51 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,441 (laughing) 52 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:21,675 Hey, Alan, guess where we've been? 53 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,445 Las Vegas? 54 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,614 Viva! 55 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,948 I won $20,000. 56 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,417 And look what he bought me. 57 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,318 Wow. 58 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,785 30,000 grand. 59 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,954 So... you're down $10,000. 60 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,657 Could've been worse, but I won a bundle at the roulette table 61 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,158 betting the color of her underwear. 62 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,762 Red or black? 63 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,266 Double zero. 64 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:49,837 What color is that? 65 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:50,771 Ass cheeks. 66 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,676 Hey. What happened to your eye? 67 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,645 Oh. Heh. Yeah. 68 00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,281 Little accident. Getting kind of frisky in the tub, 69 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:03,584 and I accidentally fell face first onto a Jacuzzi nozzle. 70 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:08,489 Me, too. Except it wasn't my face, and it wasn't an accident. 71 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,826 Good news is, we're both really clean. 72 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,495 Inside and out. 73 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,697 Should we go upstairs and get dirty again? 74 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,832 Right behind you. What else is new? 75 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,168 Uh... uh, Charlie? 76 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:22,470 I'll be up in a minute. 77 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,938 The trick is to keep it up. 78 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,442 What? 79 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:29,910 I-I-I'm just a little concerned. 80 00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,945 Oh, I almost forgot. 81 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:32,980 Got you a little something. 82 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,648 Oh, gee, you didn't have to. 83 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,649 Here you go. 84 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:45,726 You can't just buy those, you got to have them specially made. 85 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,928 Come to think of it, makes more sense for me to be wearing it. 86 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,530 Charlie, hold on. 87 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,798 Now what? 88 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,333 Do you really think it's a good idea 89 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,934 to be starting back in with Courtney? 90 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,203 Are you kidding? I just had the best three days of my life. 91 00:03:56,270 --> 00:04:00,207 Well, okay, but i-i-it just seems like-- 92 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:02,910 I've never even heard of that. 93 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,812 Neither had I, until last night, and now... 94 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,847 I don't know how I ever lived without them. 95 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:10,584 Look, I'm just saying we're talking about a convicted felon 96 00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,286 who seems to have very expensive tastes. 97 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,787 Yeah, what's your point? 98 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,123 So you don't care about anything else, 99 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,726 as long as you get to indulge you depraved appetites. 100 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,030 Still waiting for a point, Alan. 101 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,502 * Men. 102 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,640 Jake? Want to go to a movie? 103 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:35,843 (muffled slapping, pounding and moaning) 104 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,516 Jake? 105 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:49,222 What are you doing? 106 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,425 Resting. 107 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,964 Guess you're-- wondering what's going on up there. 108 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,600 Not really. 109 00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:03,036 Well, just-- just want you to know that 110 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,938 there's more to it than what you're hearing right now. 111 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,675 I know. They've been going at it all afternoon. 112 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,242 No, no, what-what I mean is-- 113 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,379 A couple of times I thought somebody was going to die. 114 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,781 No, what I'm trying to say is-- 115 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,584 I didn't know human beings could make those sounds. 116 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,387 Okay. What I'm saying is, there's more to a healthy, 117 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,422 fulfilling relationship than-- than just sex. 118 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,825 CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, baby, right there. That's what I'm talking about. 119 00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:31,465 Like, uh... mutual responsibility. 120 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,100 Uh, uh, mutual respect. 121 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,069 COURTNEY: Oh, I'm a slut, I'm a dirty little slut! 122 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:41,308 Taking care of each other. 123 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,444 CHARLIE: Now do the Rain Goggles. 124 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,380 (pounding and moaning continues) 125 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,249 Sharing... things. 126 00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:52,486 CHARLIE: Oh! Oh! COURTNEY: Oh! Ooh! Oh! 127 00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:54,655 CHARLIE: Arigato! 128 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,727 Dad. Yeah? 129 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:02,563 Get out. 130 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,967 Good talk. 131 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:10,971 * Men. 132 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:11,805 Morning. 133 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,206 Morning. 134 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:17,445 Dean Martin and the Gold Digger keep you up again last night? 135 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,880 He's lost his mind, Berta. 136 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:22,315 All he does is have sex with her and spend money on her. 137 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,553 Sometimes he spends money on her while he's having sex with her. 138 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,120 How's that? 139 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:29,623 I picked up the phone and accidentally overheard 140 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,125 a very disturbing call to QVC. 141 00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:35,729 Pearl necklace. I'll say no more. 142 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:37,230 Morning. 143 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:38,566 Morning. Morning. 144 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:42,436 Nice shirt. It's not too subtle, is it? 145 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:52,613 Something wrong with your arm? 146 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,248 I'm not sure. 147 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,784 Think I pinched a nerve last night 148 00:06:56,850 --> 00:07:00,253 reaching around, trying to scratch Courtney's back. 149 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,555 Her back. 150 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,091 Trying to be delicate here, Alan. 151 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,494 And God knows we appreciate it. 152 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,196 Good morning, everyone! 153 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,531 ALL: Morning. 154 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,132 Morning, baby. 155 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,134 Car keys? 156 00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:21,742 Credit card? 157 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,045 Kiss? 158 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,246 See ya! 159 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:27,515 Have fun! 160 00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:28,982 "Have fun"? 161 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,884 You just gave her the keys to your Mercedes 162 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,419 and an unlimited credit card. 163 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,822 Yeah? So? That's fun. 164 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,657 Can't you see she's using you? 165 00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:39,059 You should've seen the way she used me last night. 166 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:42,029 In fact... you can. 167 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:46,033 Oh, no. No. 168 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,067 No, I don't-- I don't-- 169 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,304 I-I-I just don't want to see you get played by her again. 170 00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,106 Relax. I know what I'm doing. 171 00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,809 I'm having fun, she's having fun. Nobody's getting hurt. 172 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:59,246 You have a black eye and a dead arm. 173 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,683 Obviously, we have different definitions of "fun." 174 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,988 What is wrong with him? 175 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:11,158 Classic case of va-jay-jay fever. 176 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:14,127 Colorfully put. 177 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,129 I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it. 178 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:18,231 Sooner or later, all men fall for it. 179 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,535 How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs? 180 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,005 You've got a condo in Palm Springs? 181 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,941 No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by. 182 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,782 * Men. 183 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,650 You caught me at a bad time, darling. 184 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:37,985 I was just going out. 185 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,620 Well, I'm sorry, but I have a problem. 186 00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,488 Just the one? 187 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,090 It's about Charlie. 188 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,191 Well, sweetheart, 189 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,093 you have been sponging off him for eight years. 190 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,028 You've got to expect a little abuse. 191 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,831 Oh, no, no, no, it's not that. 192 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,900 I'm worried about Charlie and Courtney. 193 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,602 I-I-I really think she's taking advantage of him. 194 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,804 Uh-huh. And what are you worried about? 195 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,506 Well... I just said. Charlie could lose everything. 196 00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,242 Oh, I see. Well, I understand your concern. 197 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,712 Thank you. It's not like you could move in here. 198 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,415 Oh, no, no, I'm not just worried about me. 199 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,851 Wait a second. You used to beg me to move in with Jake. 200 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,352 That's when Jake was cute, 201 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:15,088 and I still had a little bit of hope left for you. 202 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,457 Okay, well, anyway-- 203 00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:19,392 Alan. Your brother is a grown man. 204 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,661 I'm sure he can take care of himself. 205 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,162 I'm not sure he can. 206 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,464 You should see the way she's sucking him dry. 207 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,166 I should hope so. 208 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,569 Mom. 209 00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:32,339 Alan. There's not much you can do 210 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,807 when a graspy, greedy woman 211 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:36,509 sinks her claws into a vulnerable man. 212 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,781 Marty! I'm leaving! Come kiss me goodbye! 213 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:45,518 Come here, hot stuff. Give me some tongue! 214 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,255 Marty, my son Alan is here. 215 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:49,522 You've met Alan. 216 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,592 The fruitball? No tongue for you. 217 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,996 Cupcake, I need your credit card. 218 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:58,098 The usual place. 219 00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,934 Oh, you bad boy. 220 00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,604 Dig a little deeper. 221 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,441 There's a hole in this pocket. 222 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,978 Keep going. 223 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,045 Surprise! 224 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:16,549 Well, how nice for you. 225 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,551 But I've got to run! 226 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,955 Oh, damn, I worked on it all morning. 227 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:25,392 You know what? I'll just go. Nice to see you, Mr. Pepper. 228 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,827 Mr. Pepper was my father. 229 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:29,897 Just call me "the guy banging your mother." 230 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,535 I think I'll stick with "Mr. Pepper." Bye, Mom. 231 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,671 Bye, dear. 232 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,273 Anything you need before I go? 233 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,742 Yes. Uh... 234 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:45,012 Check my pocket again. 235 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:48,015 * Men. 236 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,720 Hey, boys. 237 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,855 Hi. Hi. 238 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,824 What's all this stuff? 239 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,726 Okay, here's the red one. 240 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,828 What do you guys think? 241 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,834 BOTH: Uh... 242 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,937 The yellow one's better, right? 243 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,305 I'm not sure. What do you think, Eldridge? 244 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,241 I think we need to see the yellow one again. 245 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:17,845 Okay, okay, guys-- I'd like to talk to Courtney. 246 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,412 JAKE: Go ahead. 247 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,881 Pretend we're not here. 248 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:23,250 Okay, let me put it another way. 249 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,752 Get out. 250 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:26,653 Bye, Courtney. Bye, Courtney. 251 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,821 Bye, fellas. 252 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,689 Thanks again for inviting me over. 253 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,158 Was I lying? 254 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:36,429 So... What do you want to talk about? 255 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:37,865 Uh, well, the thing is-- 256 00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,067 Are my boobs even? 257 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,171 Even... what? 258 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,039 Well, I just want to make sure 259 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,375 one's not popping out more than the other one. 260 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:52,412 Oh, no, no, no. They're both, uh, uh, popping just... 261 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,917 Fine. 262 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:59,119 Great! Mm. 263 00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,220 So? 264 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,855 Huh? 265 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,591 What do you want to talk about? 266 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:07,327 Oh, oh, yeah, well, I-I-I wanted to talk about Charlie. 267 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:08,929 What about him? 268 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,798 Well, I don't know if you're aware of this, 269 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:12,032 but he went through a bad breakup recently, 270 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,801 and he may not look like it, 271 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,969 but he's actually in a pretty vulnerable place right now. 272 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,938 And you think I'm taking advantage of him? 273 00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:20,307 Well... aren't you? 274 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,309 Look, I know what you must think of me. 275 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,144 Based on some of the stupid things I've done, 276 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:26,847 I don't blame you. But Alan-- 277 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,983 I've changed. 278 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,919 What about all this stuff? 279 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,221 Well, he likes buying me things. Makes him happy. 280 00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:38,625 Believe me, the money is fun, but it's Charlie I care about. 281 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,260 Really? 282 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,895 Really. 283 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,931 Well, okay, then. 284 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,866 Thank you, uh-- I feel better now. 285 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,300 (doorbell rings) 286 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,574 Hey, beautiful. You ready to go? 287 00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,776 Yeah, let me just grab my purse. 288 00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:02,249 Oh! Um, Alan-- James. James-- Alan. 289 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,284 Hey. Hey. 290 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:06,920 He's my brother. 291 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,959 He was adopted. 292 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,329 Yeah, I remain skeptical. 293 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,198 * Men. 294 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,368 * Men. 295 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,872 ALAN: Charlie? In here. 296 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,541 What happened to your foot? 297 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,810 Broke my toe. Oh, geez! 298 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,780 Serves me right, trying to walk around in Courtney's high heels 299 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,648 with only one good arm. 300 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,184 Why were you wearing her shoes? 301 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,487 Because they matched her underwear, duh. 302 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,256 Okay. Whatever. 303 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,125 I just thought you might want to know 304 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,593 that Courtney just left 305 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,528 with a handsome, young, African-American fellow. 306 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:49,796 Yeah. Her brother James. 307 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,531 And you're buying that. 308 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,634 Hey, people have a hard time believing you're my brother. 309 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:55,768 Including me, by the way. 310 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,470 And Mom. 311 00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:00,340 All right, I'm just going to say this: 312 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,509 I don't think you should trust Courtney. I think she's trouble. 313 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,578 Well, hell yeah, she's trouble. That's why I love her. 314 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:06,846 You love her? 315 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:08,315 Of course I love her. 316 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,151 Courtney is the woman I'm meant to be with. 317 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,420 Everything in my life up till now, all the women, 318 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,488 they've just been leading me right to her. 319 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:17,224 I would've guessed they were leading you more 320 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,592 to a clinic of some sort, but go ahead. 321 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,262 You remember how down I was when Chelsea dumped me? 322 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:23,964 And when Rose got married? 323 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,365 All of that was necessary 324 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,234 in order for me to get back to Courtney. 325 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,938 It was also necessary for Courtney to make early parole. 326 00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:33,073 Exactly. This was meant to happen! 327 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,407 Don't you see it, Alan? 328 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,476 Courtney is just the kind of woman I need. 329 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,712 She's non-judgmental, free-spirited, open-minded... 330 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,414 Double-jointed. Triple. 331 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,051 And she can pick up a dime with her butt cheeks. 332 00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,956 Just do me a favor, and-and take it slow? 333 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,490 Give it a little time 334 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,160 before you do something stupid that you can't undo. 335 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,228 Don't worry, I won't. 336 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,796 Good. 337 00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:58,898 Oh, yeah, guess what? 338 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:00,767 While we were in Vegas, I got a tattoo. 339 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:04,237 Oh, please don't tell me you got her name put on you? 340 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:05,705 Look. 341 00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:09,142 "Get out of my house." 342 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,781 The tattoo is temporary, but the sentiment is forever. 343 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,884 * Men. 344 00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,020 You're kidding. Now he's broken his toe? 345 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,288 This relationship goes on much longer, 346 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,190 he's going to run out of parts. 347 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,759 Don't be such a sourpuss. Courtney's a terrific girl, 348 00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:28,395 and Charlie's happy as a clam. 349 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,397 Wait a second. You never liked Courtney. 350 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,500 People change. People grow. 351 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,936 People buy expensive gifts for the housekeeper. 352 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,206 She bought you that? 353 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:42,442 And the purse. And the sunglasses. 354 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,810 Ciao, bella. 355 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,079 COURTNEY: Okay, that's it! I am out of here. 356 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,947 CHARLIE: Fine by me. 357 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,017 You're nothing but a selfish son of a bitch! 358 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:50,984 And you're a gold-digger! 359 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,719 Go to hell! 360 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:57,524 I'd meet you there, but they don't take credit cards. 361 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,394 Problem? 362 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,430 She was just trying to use me, Alan. 363 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,598 Really? I'm stunned. 364 00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,269 I still like her. 365 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,308 You know what she wanted me to do? 366 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,877 She actually found something you didn't want to do? 367 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,647 She wanted me to give her money to pay her brother's rent. 368 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,716 I said, "Hey, I've already got one brother leeching off me." 369 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:24,751 Right? 370 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,054 Right. 371 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,521 This one doesn't even have a job. 372 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,757 At least you pretend to be a chiropractor. 373 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,193 Well, I have my pride. 374 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:36,363 That's it for me. No more meaningful relationships. 375 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,431 I'm going to stick with the honesty and integrity 376 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,434 of the traditional hooker-john arrangement. 377 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,003 Sometimes the old ways are best. 378 00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:47,140 Well, I'm glad you came to your senses about Courtney, 379 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,641 and I just want to say-- 380 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:49,842 I'm always here for you. 381 00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,111 I've never doubted that. 382 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,380 Well, thank you. It wasn't a compliment. 383 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:59,519 My point was, I think you've made the right decision. 384 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:00,853 I have, haven't I? 385 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,223 Well, of course you have. I mean, for God's sake, 386 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,791 look what she did to you. 387 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,060 Yeah. 388 00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:11,564 Oh, my God. 389 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,366 I got to get her back! 390 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,068 Charlie? No, Courtney-- 391 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,705 Oh, my God! 392 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,210 Are you okay? 393 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:26,279 Oh. I'm not sure. 394 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,782 How bad is it? 395 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,420 It's fine. 396 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,223 (vomiting) 397 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,426 I ain't cleaning that up. 398 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,329 * Men. 399 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,265 * Men. 400 00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:47,400 You're a very lucky guy, Charlie. 401 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,636 I ran through a plate glass window, 402 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,171 and you puked in my piano. 403 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,972 How is that lucky? 404 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,507 You could have bled to death. 405 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,743 And I could have vomited on my suede shoes. 406 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,879 Those are my shoes. 407 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:02,715 Which is why you're lucky. 408 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,218 Hey, Alan. 409 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:09,489 At the moment, I'm not in your house. 410 00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:12,024 All right, well. I'm going to look at this as a wake-up call. 411 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,493 Good. Good. 412 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,528 Courtney is bad news. I've been telling you. 413 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,430 You were right. I was blind. 414 00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:18,898 Guess it's hard to see the truth 415 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:21,201 when you're wearing Japanese Rain Goggles. 416 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,871 I Googled the goggles. 417 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,306 COURTNEY: Charlie? 418 00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,943 Courtney. What are you doing here? 419 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,713 Well, I went back to apologize and there was blood everywhere. 420 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,982 I tried every hospital in town trying to find you. 421 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,550 Are you all right? 422 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,718 Not really. 423 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,587 Um, Courtney? 424 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,622 I think Charlie has something to tell you. 425 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,357 What? 426 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,759 Go ahead, Charlie. 427 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,866 I love you, Courtney. 428 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,268 I love you, too! 429 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,969 Ow, ow, ow. 430 00:18:57,036 --> 00:19:00,607 Don't stop. Ow, ow, ow...