1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:03,937 * Men.* 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,174 So, I'm confused. 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:09,077 Is Edward the gay vampire or the gay werewolf? 4 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,478 The vampire. 5 00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:14,082 And he's not gay, he's... androgynous. 6 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:18,152 So he can write with both hands, big deal. 7 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,020 No, I mean... 8 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,322 Never mind. 9 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,058 I'll tell you what's a great movie-- 10 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,826 Jackass 2. (turns off TV) 11 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,661 Now, I know what you're thinking: sequels suck. 12 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:28,996 But not that one. 13 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:30,498 There's this one part where this guy 14 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,300 puts on a diver's helmet with a hose attached, 15 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,703 and this fat guy farts into the tube until he pukes. 16 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,040 The guy in the diver's helmet, not the fat guy. 17 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,076 Sounds puerile. 18 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:45,213 Oh, yeah, it's totally puerile. 19 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,115 Unless puerile isn't good. 20 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,583 In which case, it's totally un-puerile. 21 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:53,121 Anti-puerile? 22 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,289 Maybe we shouldn't talk. 23 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,726 CHARLIE: Hello! 24 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,128 (door closes) Oh, crap. 25 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,662 Is that your dad? 26 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,730 No, worse. 27 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:03,797 My drunken uncle. 28 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:09,137 I just pray he remembered to pull up his zipper. 29 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,739 There's my main man. 30 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:14,975 Jake-o-roonie, Jake-o-reenie, 31 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,744 Jake the snake! 32 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,013 Who are you? 33 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,149 Megan. 34 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,817 Meg-a-roonie, Meg-a-reenie, 35 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,720 Megan the snagan. 36 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,956 Zipper, Uncle Charlie. 37 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:31,159 Oop, good catch. 38 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,395 Thought you had a date tonight. 39 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:37,398 Not a date, a date experience. 40 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:38,899 What's the difference? 41 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,601 About $1,500. 42 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,142 So, Megan, 43 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,410 what's your deal? 44 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,279 Trying to teach your parents a lesson? 45 00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,414 I'm in Jake's homeroom. 46 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,249 Got it. Yeah, I was pretty sure 47 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,985 you didn't meet him in honors math class. 48 00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:01,555 Boy, I remember being your age. 49 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,857 Going out with Beth Anderson. 50 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,526 She was head cheerleader. 51 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:08,262 I was crazy about her, but she dumped me 52 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:11,131 and left me with nothing but a broken heart. 53 00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,566 And the clap. 54 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,902 The what? 55 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:18,439 Wow, you kids today have no idea what that is, do you? 56 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,940 I know it sounds cute. 57 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,775 The clap! 58 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,645 But it burns like hell. 59 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,114 I think I'd better get home. 60 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:28,416 Wait, don't go. 61 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,284 He'll be passed out in ten minutes. 62 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,720 I'll see you in homeroom. 63 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,622 Come on, Megan. 64 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,089 Thanks a lot! 65 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,459 You're welcome! 66 00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:40,928 I'm really gonna get you back for this. 67 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,596 Okey-dokey. 68 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:43,731 Megan, hold up! 69 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,567 Oh, Beth Anderson. 70 00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,337 Every time it hurts when I pee, 71 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,405 I think of you. 72 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:54,775 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 73 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,445 * Men. * Ooh. 74 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,449 * Men. 75 00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,758 Charlie. 76 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,593 (groggily): What? 77 00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:13,894 Sign this. 78 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:18,165 I'm not signing anything till I see a lawyer. 79 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:19,533 Wake up! 80 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,668 What? 81 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,570 Birthday card for Mom. 82 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,304 Sign it. 83 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,406 No, thanks. 84 00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:27,575 Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form 85 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,909 and we'll talk. 86 00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,311 Come on, Charlie. 87 00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,447 What did we get her? 88 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,648 You mean, "What did I get her?" 89 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,451 No, I mean, what did I pay for? 90 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:39,853 We went 50-50 on engraved stationery. 91 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,655 50-50? 92 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,056 Okay, 100-zero. 93 00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,759 But I will pay you back. 94 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,495 Right. 95 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,430 I assume you don't want to go with me and Jake 96 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,365 to give her her present and wish her a happy birthday. 97 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,935 And I assume you're never gonna pay me back. 98 00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,770 We are a well-oiled machine. 99 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:00,874 "Mom, you know how I feel. 100 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,543 Charlie." 101 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,980 Straight from the heart. 102 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:11,151 * Men. 103 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,886 This just blows. 104 00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,422 Come on. (doorbell rings) 105 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:17,758 Seeing you is going to make your grandmother very happy. 106 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:20,628 EVELYN (over speaker): What do you two want? 107 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,229 Hi, Mom! 108 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:23,497 Happy birthday! 109 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:26,500 (muttering): Happy birthday. 110 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,802 We brought you a gift. 111 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,238 EVELYN: Doesn't give you license to show up unannounced, 112 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:32,673 but all right. 113 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,242 (lock buzzes) 114 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,277 She just better keep me in the will. 115 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,212 EVELYN: I can hear you, Jake. 116 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,214 Love you, Grandma. 117 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,717 * Men. 118 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,657 Just so you know, 119 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,192 I like this even less than you do. 120 00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,627 That's hard to believe. 121 00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:54,928 ALAN: I got to tell you, 122 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,064 Mom, you are looking younger every year. 123 00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:01,869 Uh-huh. 124 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:02,903 I do. 125 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,738 I don't. 126 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,741 So, uh, do you like your present? 127 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,911 It's stationery with a big "E" on it. 128 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,446 It stands for "Evelyn." 129 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,882 Very good, darling. 130 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:17,585 Uncle Charlie said the "E" was for "evil." 131 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:21,088 So, any... any big birthday plans? 132 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,423 Like what? 133 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:23,724 I don't know. Hot date? 134 00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:25,459 As a matter of fact, I did have a date. 135 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,327 What happened? He cancelled. 136 00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,797 Whoa, you got dumped on your birthday? 137 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,532 That is so puerile. 138 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,836 Or is it? 139 00:05:37,371 --> 00:05:39,373 What is wrong with him? 140 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,742 Nothing organic. We've had him checked. 141 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:45,646 So, is there birthday cake? 142 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:49,349 Oh, Jake, what is to become of you? 143 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,552 Thank God my life is mostly behind me. 144 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:54,388 I'd hate to be your age, preparing to make my way 145 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:56,490 in a world that's coming apart at the seams, 146 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,992 while having no discernible job skills 147 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,694 or charisma whatsoever. 148 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:05,499 So is that a yea or nay on the cake? 149 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,637 * Men. 150 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:13,106 Bye, Mom! Happy birthday! 151 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,575 Whoa, that was grim. 152 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:17,911 Yeah, who has a birthday party without cake? 153 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:21,148 Your uncle really dodged a bullet, didn't he? 154 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,151 Yeah, he did. 155 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,487 Hey, Dad... 156 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,188 maybe we shouldn't leave Grandma alone. 157 00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:29,356 She seemed kind of depressed. 158 00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,691 Oh, uh, don't worry. 159 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:34,428 She doesn't commit suicide. She inspires it. 160 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,163 I was just thinking maybe it'd be nice 161 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,999 to have her to Uncle Charlie's for a real birthday dinner. 162 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:43,336 You know, Jake, it's moments like this that make me proud. 163 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,405 You've got a big heart. 164 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,608 Okay, we'll bring her back to Uncle Charlie's. 165 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,414 * Men. 166 00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,884 Hey. Hey. 167 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,318 How was your time in hell? 168 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,554 So good he brought a little back with him. 169 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,491 Hey. Hey, Mom. 170 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,225 Happy birthday. 171 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:06,326 I-I... 172 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,796 would have come over, but... 173 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,964 Oh, come on, do I really need a reason? 174 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,300 That's all right. I don't expect much from you. 175 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,335 And you never disappoint me. 176 00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,871 Now, if you'll excuse me, 177 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,707 I'm going to drown my sorrows in alcohol. 178 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,108 If you're not committed to alcohol, 179 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,110 there's a whole big ocean out there. 180 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,978 What the hell are you doing? 181 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,480 Oh, I just thought it would be nice 182 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,181 if we had a little birthday dinner for her. 183 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,551 You thought it would be nice to bring Mom to my house? 184 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,352 Actually, it was Jake's idea. 185 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:36,223 Of course. Jake. 186 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:40,661 And where is... the boy? 187 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:43,030 It's Sunday. I dropped him off at his Mom's. 188 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,132 (phone rings) 189 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,470 Hey, Uncle Charlie. How's it going? 190 00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:53,473 You rat bastard. 191 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,609 Payback's a bitch, ain't it? 192 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,178 Bye. 193 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,848 What did he mean, "payback's a bitch"? 194 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,182 EVELYN: Damn it, Charlie, 195 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,484 how am I supposed to make a martini 196 00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,186 without green olives? 197 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:07,387 He misspoke. 198 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,558 He meant, "the bitch is payback." 199 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,192 * Men. 200 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,328 * Men. 201 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,031 (sighs) 202 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,399 So this is it? 203 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,334 We're just going to sit here watching television 204 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:22,502 till dinnertime? 205 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,573 I'm hoping to do it till bedtime. 206 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,641 We can't talk? 207 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,342 What would you like to talk about? 208 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,544 Don't encourage her, Alan. 209 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,680 Well, what comes immediately to mind 210 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,447 is the futility of love, 211 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,349 the disappointment of family, 212 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,952 and the inevitability of death. 213 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,488 I'd be right with you if "inevitable" meant "now." 214 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,657 Well, I am sorry, 215 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,959 but I cannot go along with you two gloomy Guses. 216 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,596 I look at life, and I see the cup as half full. 217 00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:50,530 But the cup belongs to your brother, 218 00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,566 and what it's half full of is tears. 219 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,402 (laughs) Good one, Mom. 220 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,437 You're no one to talk. 221 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,439 He at least aspires to normalcy, 222 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:02,643 tries to have meaningful relationships with women. 223 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:05,145 You go out with a girl and break up with her 224 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,715 before her hoo-ha can develop a 5:00 shadow. 225 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,786 Well, uh, in his defense, Mom, 226 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,689 he's usually paying by the hour. 227 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,658 Very smart, Alan. 228 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:20,894 Bite the syphilitic hand that feeds you. 229 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:26,233 Well, if neither of you is going to refill my drink, 230 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,835 I'll do it myself. 231 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,637 Help yourself, Mom. 232 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:33,573 I keep the vodka in a bleach bottle. 233 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:39,947 I can't take this anymore. I got to get out of here. 234 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,381 You're gonna leave me alone with her? 235 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:42,683 Hey, hey, I was alone with her 236 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,852 for two years before you were born. You owe me. 237 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,122 Why don't we both make a break for it? 238 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,659 Okay. Great. 239 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:52,926 On three. 240 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,997 One... 241 00:09:57,064 --> 00:10:00,000 Two... 242 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:07,240 You're supposed to say "go" after "three." 243 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:10,911 Before we pick up the olives, can we stop at a pharmacy? 244 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,880 Sure. 245 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:18,886 Isn't anybody gonna ask why? 246 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,892 Fine. Uh, why? 247 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,994 Don't ask if you don't care. 248 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,364 It's a woman problem. 249 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,333 'Nough said. 250 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,669 As you get older, certain parts of your body 251 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,906 don't lubricate properly. 252 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:43,210 Please, God, tell me you have to pick up some Visine. 253 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,413 I'm not talking about my eyes, Charlie. 254 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,882 (groaning) (groaning) 255 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:52,352 Oh, sure, one can masturbate to keep things flowing, 256 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,155 but it's not the same as actual intercourse. 257 00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,637 What's his problem? 258 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,672 Just give him a minute. 259 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,674 * Men. 260 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,676 That was very rude 261 00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:19,612 leaving us sitting there on the side of the road. 262 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,716 Would you rather I threw up in the car? 263 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:23,784 Hey, Charlie. 264 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,052 Oh, hey, Russell. 265 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,220 This is my mother Evelyn and my brother Alan. 266 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:27,988 Hi. Hey. 267 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,823 Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. 268 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:32,259 Can I interest you folks in a codeine Popsicle? 269 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,061 It's my own invention. 270 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,428 I think we're good, Russell. 271 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:38,031 You suck on one of these, you'll be great. 272 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:41,334 I call it "Springtime on a Stick." 273 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,336 Yeah, listen, 274 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,772 my mom needs some, um... 275 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,074 RUSSELL: Mm-hmm? 276 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,076 Mom? 277 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,279 Birth control pills. 278 00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,049 Do you have a prescription? 279 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,085 Kidding. We're all friends here. Oh. (laughs) 280 00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,387 Come on back, and I'll show you our selection. 281 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,622 Oh, aren't you a doll? 282 00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:05,292 And I'm anatomically correct. 283 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,828 Oh, good to know. 284 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,331 Why did she ask for birth control pills? 285 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,066 Gee, Alan, I don't know. 286 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:16,303 Maybe she didn't want to lead with her dry hoo-ha. 287 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,774 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 288 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,175 Yes, but this time, let's be clear. 289 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,177 Do we run on "go" or just "three"? 290 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,612 Oh, no, no. There's no running. 291 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,114 Let's set her up with Russell. 292 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:30,083 Oh, gee, I'm not so sure that's a good match. 293 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,785 When the hell did this become eHarmony? 294 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:34,421 We just need to get her out of our hair. 295 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,688 Oh, right, right. 296 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,857 Follow my lead. 297 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,091 Thanks, Russell. 298 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,692 These'll be just fine. Hmm. 299 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,994 What do I owe you? 300 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,529 Oh, it's on the house. 301 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,763 Any mom of Charlie's 302 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:46,399 is a potential lifelong customer of mine. 303 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:47,835 Aren't you sweet! 304 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,537 Or it could just be Mr. Popsicle talking. 305 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,205 Hey, listen, Russell, um, 306 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,374 we're having a little birthday dinner for Mom tonight, 307 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,410 so if you're not doing anything, maybe you'd like to join us. 308 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,778 Oh, what a wonderful idea. 309 00:12:58,846 --> 00:12:59,947 I'd love to. 310 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,414 What can I bring-- 311 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,415 Xanax, Ritalin? 312 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,817 What are you serving? 313 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,086 Chinese takeout. 314 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,421 Then, perhaps something from the opiate family. 315 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,722 (Evelyn laughs) 316 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,458 Bring whatever you want. 317 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,659 Done and done. 318 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:15,295 And I will see you later, birthday girl. 319 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:19,099 Well, I'll see you later, anatomically correct boy. 320 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,601 So, around 7:00? 321 00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:23,736 With bells on. Thanks for the invite. 322 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,305 You're welcome. 323 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:29,342 You poor, clueless bastard. 324 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,578 * Men. 325 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,781 I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago. 326 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,283 Russell's perfect for Mom. 327 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,518 They've both been divorced multiple times, 328 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:41,221 they're both trying desperately to hang onto their youth, 329 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,757 plus, they're both big fans of class A narcotics. 330 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,994 Does Russell have kids? 331 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,030 Uh, none that he admits to. 332 00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,665 BOTH: Just like Mom. 333 00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,667 EVELYN: Well, boys, 334 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,769 what do you think? 335 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,072 Wow, you look terrific. 336 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,473 It's not too much, is it? 337 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,876 No, no, no, the bright colors are good for Russell. 338 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,444 It keeps him from nodding off. 339 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,881 I just want you both to know how grateful I am for everything 340 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:10,183 you've done to make this a special birthday for me. 341 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,584 Well, you're-you're welcome, Mom. 342 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,086 Just want to make you happy. 343 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,555 Thank you, but if you really wanted to make me happy, 344 00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,324 you would have made different life choices. 345 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,591 (doorbell rings) 346 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,527 Oh, that's him. 347 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,862 Hang on. 348 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:25,632 All right, open the door. 349 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,706 Russell? 350 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:35,308 Russell! 351 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,676 Oh, hi, Charlie. 352 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,078 This is Jill. 353 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,247 Oh, hi, Jill. Come on in. 354 00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,681 Thanks. 355 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,716 What's with the date? 356 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,953 Well, you said bring whatever I want. 357 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,420 I want her. 358 00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,423 I'll be right back. 359 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,892 Where are you going? To put on panties. 360 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,629 * Men. 361 00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,566 So, uh, what do you do for a living, Jill? 362 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:02,769 Well, I'm an actress, but you know how it is. 363 00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,272 Once you turn 30, parts dry up. 364 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,140 You think your parts are drying up now, 365 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,742 wait'll you turn 50. 366 00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,044 Ah, don't worry, sweetie. 367 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,680 By the time you're 50, I'll be dead. 368 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,452 So, how long have you two been dating? 369 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:20,820 We're not dating. 370 00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:22,322 We have an arrangement. 371 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:23,256 Arrangement? 372 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,757 I let him climb on top of me 373 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,294 a couple of times a month, and he pays my rent. 374 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:36,169 Four glorious months and counting. 375 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,271 Hey, Russell, you mind helping me 376 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,939 make another batch of margaritas? 377 00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,641 Oh, it'd be my pleasure. 378 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:44,744 You know what's good on the rim of a margarita? 379 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:45,979 Salt? 380 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,015 Pharmaceutical cocaine. 381 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,650 It's actually good around the rim of anything. 382 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,054 Okay, I'm only gonna ask this once. 383 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,356 What did you think I meant when I invited you 384 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,391 to a birthday dinner for my single mother? 385 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,892 I don't know. 386 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,194 When you came into the store, 387 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,331 I was higher than Mel Gibson on Passover. 388 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,835 I cannot believe you actually walked in here 389 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,837 with a smokin' hot 30-year-old. 390 00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,439 What's so hard to believe? 391 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,742 She's an out-of-work actress, and I have money and drugs. 392 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,848 I guess this isn't exactly the birthday party 393 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,516 you were hoping for. 394 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,919 No, no, what every woman dreams of is her sons fixing her up 395 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:30,723 with a man who arrives with a young, hot... arrangement. 396 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,828 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 397 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:38,831 when he touches me, I want to vomit. 398 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:41,834 It actually does, thank you. 399 00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:44,304 You know, it's, uh... it's funny you should say that. 400 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:47,274 Um, my first wife Judith, uh, towards the end of our marriage, 401 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,177 uh, used to make this face like, uh, like she was gagging. 402 00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,544 Sort of a... 403 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,613 No one cares, Alan. 404 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,151 Now, Jill, listen to me. 405 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,987 You still have time to make changes in your life. 406 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:05,992 You don't want to end up old and used-up and alone like me. 407 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,360 I'm always here for you, Mom. 408 00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,695 (sighs) 409 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,298 Like I said, make changes. 410 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,833 CHARLIE: Okay. 411 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,469 Another margarita for the birthday chiquita. 412 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,438 Oh, hit me. 413 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:23,176 Um, Evelyn, I believe I owe you an apology. 414 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,044 (Russell sighs) 415 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,413 When Charlie invited me to dinner, 416 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:29,082 I had no idea that he was thinking 417 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,252 that you and I were a potential couple. 418 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,687 I mean, you're 419 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,189 a handsome woman... 420 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,494 ...but my tastes run more to 421 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,563 baby veal. 422 00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,233 I understand. 423 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,968 She's veal, and I'm jerky. 424 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,638 Good, so you get it. 425 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,608 Excuse me. 426 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,210 (clears throat) 427 00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:01,481 Wow. That could have been awkward. 428 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:04,651 One of us should probably go talk to her. 429 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,324 I'll go talk to her. 430 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:18,298 I can't believe I'm hitting that. 431 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,669 I can't believe I'm not hitting you. 432 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,506 * Men. 433 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:31,144 Wait, wait-- you're opening a drug rehab facility in Malibu? 434 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,312 (laughs) 435 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:36,549 No, not-not rehab, prehab. 436 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,752 What the hell is that? Prehab? 437 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,721 All right, think about it. 438 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,524 Rich celebrities will spend $50,000 a month 439 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,327 to go some place nice where they won't do drugs. 440 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,462 Imagine how much they would spend 441 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,064 to go to a snazzy place on the beach 442 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,267 to do them. 443 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,771 What about the legal issues? 444 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,707 What are you, a cop? 445 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,041 No. 446 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,010 Then shut up. 447 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:05,512 Hey, is it me, 448 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:08,481 or have Mom and Jill been gone for quite a while? 449 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:11,017 Time is a very subjective thing, Charlie, 450 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,854 especially when you're abusing powerful anti-psychotics. 451 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,495 One of us should probably go check and see 452 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,731 if everything's okay. 453 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:32,605 One of us should probably answer that phone first. 454 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,642 * Men. 455 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,913 Mom? 456 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,816 (water running) 457 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,289 EVELYN (laughing): Oh, that tickles. 458 00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,591 JILL (laughing): You started it. 459 00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:52,959 Happy birthday. 460 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,727 EVELYN: Oh, Jill. 461 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,162 JILL: Oh, Evelyn. 462 00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,831 (women laughing) 463 00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,132 On three? 464 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,768 You wait till three. 465 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,737 * Men. 466 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,240 * Men. 467 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,008 (TV plays in the background) 468 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:12,345 I can't believe Mom ran off with this idiot's girlfriend. 469 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,947 I can't believe this idiot's still here. 470 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,751 It's not that I can't hear you. 471 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,888 It's that I'm busy talking to Jim Morrison. 472 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,325 Incredible. 473 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,627 Excuse me a minute, Jim. 474 00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,562 I don't want to spook you fellas, 475 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,398 but I took a handful of Viagra 476 00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:35,234 in anticipation of a different kind of evening. 477 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,737 Three. Three. 478 00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,948 What are you looking at?