1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:03,104 * Men. 2 00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,172 Swordfish looks good. 3 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,539 You eat a lot of fish. 4 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,208 Aren't you worried about mercury? 5 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:10,178 Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me, 6 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,745 mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, 7 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,782 struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. 8 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,286 Guess which one I'm rooting for. 9 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,587 Charles? 10 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,157 Speaking of things I expect to kill me. 11 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:25,793 What a lovely surprise. 12 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,828 Michelle, this is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle. 13 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,131 Evelyn, it's a pleasure. You have a wonderful son. 14 00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,432 Yes, I do. 15 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:34,034 But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him. 16 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,538 Before she kills, she likes to torture. 17 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,608 So, how did you two meet? 18 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,010 Charlie asked me to look at a little thing on his butt. 19 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,278 Oh, smooth, Charlie. 20 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,247 She's a dermatologist, Mom. 21 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,782 Oh, a doctor? 22 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,818 So you have access to Charlie's medical records 23 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,386 and still went out with him. 24 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:55,823 Okay, nice to see you, Mom. I don't want to keep you 25 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,725 from whatever poor schmuck you're here to meet. 26 00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:00,194 Sorry I'm late, Mom. 27 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:03,164 How about that? The poorest schmuck I know. 28 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:06,033 Michelle, this is my brother Alan. 29 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,034 Alan, Michelle. Hi. 30 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,035 Nice to meet you. 31 00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,338 Would you like to join us? 32 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,505 Sure. 33 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,640 How sweet. 34 00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:13,641 Uh... waiter? 35 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,177 I thought you liked me. 36 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,881 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 37 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:24,485 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 38 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,621 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 39 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,623 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 40 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,426 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 41 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,563 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 42 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:39,200 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 43 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,841 * Men. 44 00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,244 Well, this is very pleasant. 45 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,613 The last time I met one of Charlie's girlfriends, 46 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,584 I was picking glitter off my skin for a week. 47 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,552 Oh, right, the 22-year-old pole dancer. 48 00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,920 (grunts) 49 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,390 Oh, don't get the wrong idea. 50 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,925 I mean, not every woman Charlie dates is a stripper. 51 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:06,059 I can't imagine 52 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,795 you stripping, for example. 53 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,799 I mean, I can imagine it. 54 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,334 (growls) 55 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:21,842 So what's the occasion for you two? 56 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,043 No occasion. 57 00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,179 Can't a son invite his mom to lunch? 58 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,315 He needs money. 59 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,950 No, no. But if you're lookin' to give some away 60 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,219 I'm not gonna turn it down. 61 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,487 You're a dermatologist. 62 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,824 How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag? 63 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:40,194 Excuse me, 164. 64 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,696 Really? That's the part you object to? 65 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,566 Would you like to be called a 200-pound drunk? 66 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,201 180. See? 67 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,903 Yeah, well, better a lush than a leech. 68 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,305 At least a leech doesn't miss 69 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,040 his mother's birthday in a drunken blackout. 70 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,608 Yes, but when the lush wakes up, 71 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,211 he can buy her a nice gift with his own money. 72 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,580 He can, but he doesn't. 73 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:00,614 He doesn't because 74 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,350 you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. 75 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,817 Let's not start with appreciation. 76 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,453 Did I ever get a thank you 77 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,589 for bearing you and raising you all by myself? 78 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,791 Thank you, Mommy. 79 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,226 Give it a rest. 80 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,261 I'll write you a check. 81 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,862 Thank you, Mommy. 82 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:18,065 (sighs) Do you have children, Michelle? 83 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,967 I have a daughter. 84 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,135 Isn't that nice? 85 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,804 Has she ripped your heart out yet? 86 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,839 Not quite. 87 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,140 Well, give her time. 88 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,377 Children are God's little way of 89 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,845 punishing us for having sex. 90 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,384 So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. 91 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,818 Will you be breaking up with me now 92 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,920 or would you prefer to wait till after lunch? 93 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,322 I'll wait. 94 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,623 I already ordered the souffle 95 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,792 and I understand it's very good here. 96 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:48,462 Oh, she's attractive, successful and funny. 97 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,798 So tell me, dear, 98 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,466 why are you settling? 99 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:57,271 * Men. 100 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,809 Mmm... wait, wait, wait. 101 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,611 Can I ask you a question? 102 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,712 Sure. 103 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,781 Have there been a lot of women in this bed? 104 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,250 Uh... 105 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,521 actually in the bed? 106 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,756 Fewer than you'd think. 107 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,024 Charlie... 108 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,960 Listen, I'm not gonna lie about who I am 109 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,762 or where I've been, 110 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,432 so don't ask unless you really want to know. 111 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,902 It doesn't matter. 112 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,070 The past is the past. 113 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,405 Agreed. 114 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,606 Let's work on the present. 115 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:33,974 Oh, goody, I love presents. 116 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,142 (laughs) 117 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,276 (knocking) 118 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,311 JAKE: Uncle Charlie? 119 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,979 Busy, Jake. 120 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:42,650 JAKE: Oh, is Chelsea back? 121 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,252 No, Jake. 122 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,420 Mia? 123 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,458 No. 124 00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:54,094 The married stripper? What's her name, Betsy? 125 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,030 What do you need, Jake? 126 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,599 Can I borrow your car? 127 00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:01,935 No, you can't borrow my hundred- thousand-dollar Mercedes! 128 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,371 Okay. 129 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,272 Sorry about that. 130 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:08,742 It's not another hooker, is it? 131 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,347 Excuse me. 132 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,752 Here's the keys. Go away. Thank you. 133 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,122 My nephew. 134 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,725 Everyone's convinced he's a freaking moron, 135 00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:28,596 but I'm starting to think he's an evil genius. 136 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,866 * Men. 137 00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,168 Hey, did you hear that noise last night? 138 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,437 What noise? 139 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,506 Around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, 140 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,007 I thought I heard a man crying. 141 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:43,343 Oh, that's nothing. That's just Alan. 142 00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:44,845 It's nothing? 143 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,781 Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee, 144 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:51,018 then he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. 145 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,055 Then he starts crying. 146 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,826 Oh, my God, that's awful! 147 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:02,596 It's like the ocean. I don't even hear it anymore. 148 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:05,566 Hey, sorry I'm late. 149 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:08,135 I stopped off and did the shopping for the week. 150 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,606 Michelle, this is my housekeeper Berta. 151 00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,241 Berta, Michelle. Hi. 152 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,308 Nice to meet you. 153 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,276 Planning a party? 154 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:19,146 Every afternoon at 2:00. 155 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,549 (chuckles) She's, she's kidding. 156 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:22,616 Right, Berta? 157 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,719 Huh? Yeah, sure, why not? 158 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,756 Can I go upstairs and make your bed 159 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,091 or are you guys just catchin' your breath and rinsin' off? 160 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,961 No, it's fine. 161 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,263 We're just gonna go for a walk on the beach. 162 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,265 (laughs) Good one. 163 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,100 Why is that funny? 164 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,769 Last time this one was on the beach 165 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,070 was 'cause he fell off the deck. 166 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,075 It wasn't his fault. He was drunk. 167 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,144 I'll go make your bed. 168 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:55,015 She seems... nice. 169 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,484 You think? 170 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,552 'Cause she scares the crap outta me. 171 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,588 Well, then why don't you get rid of her? 172 00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:03,323 Oh, no, no, no, no, I could never fire her. 173 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,825 I love her to death. 174 00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,026 Interesting. 175 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:09,396 So, you love her and yet she scares you? 176 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:12,900 Little window into ol' Charlie, huh? 177 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,904 More like a garage door. 178 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,241 * Men. 179 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,644 Well, you've met my family, 180 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,913 you know all about my past, 181 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:29,850 my fondness for... things I'm fond of. 182 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:30,918 Uh-huh? 183 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:34,154 So... why are you still here? 184 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,490 Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist. 185 00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,058 Nobody our age comes without baggage. 186 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,728 Well, yeah, but some people might think 187 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,931 that my baggage is... extra icky. 188 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,232 Extra icky? 189 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,068 That's actually a quote from a former girlfriend. 190 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:51,839 Well, I think that a mature relationship has got 191 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,241 to be based on honesty about our flaws. 192 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,342 You know my flaws. 193 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,744 Openness about our past. 194 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,178 You know my past. 195 00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,080 And a willingness to forgive. 196 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,915 I forgive you. 197 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,817 (chuckles) 198 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,486 I really like you, Michelle. 199 00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:08,856 I really like you, too. 200 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,126 ROSE: Hi, Charlie. 201 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:19,567 There might be one more thing you should know about me. 202 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,736 * Men. 203 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,574 * Men. 204 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,308 Rose, this is not a good time. 205 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,910 I just want to talk to you. 206 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,679 I'm sorry, Michelle, this'll only take a minute. 207 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:32,813 Do I know you? 208 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:33,881 Nope. 209 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,282 Seriously, Rose, not now. 210 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,550 How do you know my na...? 211 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,185 How does she know my name? 212 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,653 Long story. Not really. 213 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,521 Once you have a license plate number, 214 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:42,756 the rest is cake. 215 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,525 Could you give us a minute? 216 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:47,728 No, she's not goin' anywhere. 217 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,096 Charlie, who is this woman? 218 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,263 Just a friend. 219 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,833 Oh, I'm more than a friend. We dated. 220 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,536 Just once. Eight years ago. 221 00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,005 You haven't seen her in eight years? 222 00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,439 Well, no, no, no. Not exactly. 223 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:01,108 We stay in touch. 224 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,542 You stalk me. 225 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,877 Oh, please. 226 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,680 Does a stalker baby-sit his nephew? 227 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,582 Does a stalker sleep with his brother? 228 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,751 Does a stalker's dad sleep with his mother, 229 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,486 who you met at lunch the other day at Terrace Gardens? 230 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,589 Have you been following me? 231 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,991 Not you. 232 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,793 Okay Charlie, I'm a little freaked out here. 233 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,161 I'm going to go home. 234 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,896 What? Why? 235 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,898 Nice officially meeting you. 236 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,700 Oh, come on, Michelle, don't go. 237 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:27,434 I'll get rid of her. 238 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,602 No, no, no. No. 239 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,704 Clearly, you have lots to talk about. 240 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,139 But what about all that stuff you said? 241 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,608 You know, baggage, willingness to forgive? 242 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,076 Obviously, I was wrong. 243 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,210 Michelle. 244 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,246 No, look. I could deal with your mother, 245 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,214 your brother, your nephew, your housekeeper... 246 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,651 Yeah, I know-- No, no, no. I'm not done. 247 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:44,685 Your drinking, your gambling, 248 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:45,986 your womanizing, 249 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,021 but I am not putting up with your stalker. 250 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,625 Really? That's where you draw the line? 251 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,662 Seems a little arbitrary. 252 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,764 Good-bye, Charlie. 253 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,031 (door closes) 254 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,733 I like her. 255 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,636 She's feisty. 256 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,571 That's it, Rose. 257 00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,473 This is the last straw. 258 00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,540 Really? 259 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,576 That's where you draw the line? 260 00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,444 I really care about this woman. 261 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:12,312 I'm glad for you. 262 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,747 No, you're not! 263 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,448 You never are. You always do everything you can 264 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,851 to come between me and any woman I'm serious about. 265 00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,987 Is that what you think I'm doing? 266 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,756 Of course that's what I think you're doing; you just did it! 267 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,625 You've been doing it for eight years, 268 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,060 and I'm sick of it. 269 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,229 Now, get out. 270 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,198 Okay, but you should know that I didn't come over 271 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,165 to ruin your date. 272 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,734 Really? Why did you come over? 273 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,903 To tell you that I'm getting married. 274 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,872 I'm not marrying you, Rose. 275 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,610 Not you, silly. 276 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,278 Manfred. 277 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,546 Manfred? 278 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,881 He's so wonderful. 279 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,683 I can't wait for you to meet him. 280 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:53,120 Uh-huh. Have you met him yet? 281 00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,790 You don't believe me? 282 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,458 Well, of course I don't believe you. 283 00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:01,128 All you've ever done is manipulate and deceive me. 284 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,063 Mm, fair point. 285 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:04,798 But I am getting married next Sunday, 286 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,533 and I just wanted to let you know 287 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,835 before you heard it somewhere else. 288 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,670 Where else would I hear it? 289 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,974 Society page of The Crazy Bitch Gazette? 290 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,110 Clearly, it was a mistake coming over. 291 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,980 I had no idea the news would hit you this hard. 292 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,482 Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm bowled over, 293 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:25,618 I'm devastated, I can't imagine life without you. 294 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,787 Good-bye. 295 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:30,023 Last chance to kiss the bride. 296 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,030 (knocking) 297 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,533 What? 298 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,104 I'm not sure how to get home from this side of the house. 299 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,948 * Men. 300 00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,950 Hey, Michelle. It's me again. 301 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,952 Sorry for all the messages. 302 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,687 Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. 303 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,255 (chuckles) 304 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,757 Anyway, 305 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:07,060 again, I am really sorry for all the craziness last night, 306 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,163 but, like you pointed out, everybody's got baggage. 307 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,099 Unfortunately, one piece of mine 308 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:16,336 needs to be sedated and institutionalized. 309 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,838 Okay, call me. 310 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,973 Kisses. (blows kisses) 311 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,444 Kisses? 312 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:28,181 If I was any fruitier, I could open a Jamba Juice. 313 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,783 Check it out. 314 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,619 Rose's engagement announcement is in the paper. 315 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,922 Manfred Quinn? 316 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,624 Says he's an important figure in the fashion industry. 317 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,492 Eh, I still don't buy it. 318 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,796 What do you mean? It's right here in the paper. Oh, grow up. 319 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,364 Do you have any idea how many times 320 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,933 I had that paper print my obituary? 321 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,767 Why would you do that? 322 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:49,036 Lots of reasons. 323 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,071 Gambling debts, angry husbands, 324 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,606 sometimes just to get a little me time. 325 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,844 Well, real or fake, I'm a little miffed I wasn't invited. 326 00:12:56,910 --> 00:13:00,914 How do you get invited to a fake wedding, Alan? 327 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,716 With a fake invitation. 328 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,652 Obviously. 329 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,856 How come Rose only shows up when I'm in a good relationship? 330 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:13,026 Where was she when I was dating the manic-depressive Satanist? 331 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,829 Or that chick with all the knives? 332 00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,898 Don't forget the pre-op lifeguard. 333 00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:20,200 Post-op. She was post-op. 334 00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:25,705 Really? Could've sworn I saw a bulge in that bikini bottom. 335 00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,774 The point is, it's like... 336 00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:30,110 it's like Rose has some kind of sixth sense 337 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,412 where she knows when I'm about to be happy. 338 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,648 It's not a sixth sense-- she follows you around and watches your every move. 339 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,117 For all we know, the house is bugged 340 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,785 and she's listening to us right now. 341 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,488 Hi, Rose. 342 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:42,755 Yeah, well, if she is... 343 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,858 she overplayed her hand this time! 344 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:48,228 And I'm not falling for this wedding crap! 345 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:52,532 But just in case, shouldn't we get her a gift? 346 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,101 What? 347 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,869 (whispering): They're having a sale at Williams-Sonoma. 348 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,338 You want to go halvsies on a silver pepper mill? 349 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:01,174 No, I'm not going halvsies on a silver pepper mill! 350 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,011 Okay, then... okay, how about a lovely ceramic 351 00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:07,180 cow-shaped creamer, handmade by the Pennsylvania Dutch? 352 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,716 No gifts. Why not? 353 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,584 'Cause there's no wedding! 354 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,420 There's no wedding! 355 00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,757 Well, you do what you want, Charlie Harper, 356 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:21,294 but I, Alan Harper, am gonna get Rose something really nice! 357 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:26,566 Ooh, a set of faux-walnut napkin rings, only $9.95. 358 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,568 Add to cart. 359 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,605 * Men. 360 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,678 (sighs) 361 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,047 Surprise! 362 00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,749 Not really-- you called, like, 11 times. 363 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,952 These are for you. 364 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,020 Thank you. 365 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,889 It doesn't change anything. 366 00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,391 Oh, come on, Michelle, 367 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:54,127 I can't help it if some meaningless one-night stand 368 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,596 from years ago is still obsessed with me. 369 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,366 It's not about her, Charlie, it's about you. 370 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,335 Okay, I can't help it if I'm so wonderful 371 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,504 she's still obsessed with me. 372 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,905 That's not what I meant. 373 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,774 Yeah, I didn't think so. 374 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,177 The fact that you still have a relationship with her 375 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,246 after all this time tells me that you have real feelings for her. 376 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,248 Okay, okay, maybe we have developed 377 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:18,018 some sort of friendship, but that doesn't change the fact 378 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,852 that on a very primal level 379 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,521 the woman scares the hell out of me. 380 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,090 Listen to yourself. 381 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,958 That's exactly what you said about your housekeeper. 382 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,626 You love her, but you're scared of her. 383 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,061 And having met your mother, 384 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,929 I'm betting you're scared of her, too. 385 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:34,001 Well, yeah, but I don't love her. 386 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,502 Charlie... 387 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:38,471 What are you trying to say, I'm in love with Rose? 388 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,107 You tell me. 389 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,478 Bye, Charlie. 390 00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,887 Okay, I do love Berta. 391 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,058 I suppose I kind of love my mother. 392 00:15:58,125 --> 00:15:59,592 Aw, crap. 393 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,563 * Men. 394 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,000 So, today's the big day, huh? 395 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,901 What big day? 396 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,170 Rose's wedding. 397 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,739 Oh, please! There's no wedding. 398 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:13,873 You sure about that? 399 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,708 Yeah, I'm sure. 400 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,809 But what if you're wrong? 401 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,111 What do you mean? 402 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,213 I mean, would it make a difference to you, 403 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,614 knowing that cute little face 404 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:24,051 will never pop up over that railing again? 405 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,153 That the one woman who's always loved you 406 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:30,423 and been there for you is forever out of reach? 407 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,192 Come on. 408 00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:33,926 Where are we going? To the church. 409 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,563 I'm gonna prove to you that she's not getting married. 410 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,764 Okay. 411 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,100 Aren't we a little underdressed? 412 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,501 There's no wedding. 413 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:44,271 Last chance to go halvsies on the napkin rings. 414 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,306 There's no wedding. 415 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:49,076 Only cost you 50 bucks. 416 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,278 * Men. 417 00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,983 You see? No wedding. 418 00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,186 You got X-ray vision? 419 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:02,122 (scoffs) Come on, I'll show you. 420 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:05,125 Just a heads up-- if there's no wedding, 421 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:08,228 you're getting napkin rings for Christmas. 422 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,931 Go ahead, Alan, look. 423 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,934 Tell me if you see a wedding. 424 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,337 I see a wedding. 425 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,172 What? 426 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,708 MINISTER: ...two persons present now come to be joined. 427 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:25,011 Rose and Manfred, we are here to remember... 428 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,513 Oh, my God. 429 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,015 She's really doing it. 430 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,917 Rose is getting married. 431 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,485 It's not too late to stop it. 432 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,987 (sighs) Don't be ridiculous. 433 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,190 It's way too late. 434 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:44,063 Okay, $25 to split the gift-- and I'm losing money. 435 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,099 ...why this man and this woman 436 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,435 should not be joined in holy matrimony, 437 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:53,140 let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 438 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,475 And we're clear. 439 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,977 Yep, that ought to do it. 440 00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,479 Thanks, Freddy. 441 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:00,847 My pleasure. 442 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,315 I guess. 443 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,459 * Men. 444 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,296 Unbelievable. 445 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,798 Rose is actually married. 446 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,468 (chuckles) Mrs. Manfred Quinn. 447 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,770 (big sigh) 448 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,705 I see it now. 449 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,374 I love her. 450 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,143 I've always loved her. 451 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,978 I'm sorry. 452 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:33,746 It's true what they say, Alan. 453 00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,683 You don't know what you got until it's gone. 454 00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:39,686 Well... you still got me. 455 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:43,723 You're not who they had in mind when they said it. 456 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:48,361 I'll always love you, Rose. 457 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,164 (smacks lips) 458 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,401 Mrs. Manny Quinn.