1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,536 * Men. 2 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,605 Gee, that's too bad, Jake. (TV playing) 3 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,309 A sore throat and a runny nose? Aw. 4 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,078 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess you should 5 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,580 stay at your mom's this weekend. 6 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,216 Oh! Gesundheit. 7 00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:17,017 Yeah. Yeah, feel better. 8 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,719 Okay, bye-bye. 9 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,054 Jake sick? 10 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,355 Nah, he's lying through his teeth. 11 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:24,225 Probably has a party to go to or something. 12 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,327 Or a hangover. Hmm. 13 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:29,230 Remember when he wanted to be around us? 14 00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,632 Remember when we wanted to be around him? 15 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:35,002 Hey, that's my son you're talking about. 16 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,370 But point taken. 17 00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,506 So, you're a free man for the weekend. 18 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:39,740 What are your plans? 19 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:42,610 I don't know. Probably just catch up on my reading, 20 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,444 take a walk on the beach, 21 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,878 you know, a little "me" time. 22 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:45,879 What about you? 23 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,515 Pretty much the same. 24 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,117 Except instead of reading and walking, 25 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,685 I'm going on a date and hoping to get laid. 26 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:55,123 Now, when you say "date," 27 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,191 do you mean an actual date, or one of your 28 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,260 $2,500 "date experiences." 29 00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:00,994 If I were paying $2,500, 30 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,631 I wouldn't just be hoping to get laid. Hmm! 31 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:07,535 So. You're back in the dating game. 32 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,869 How'd you hook up? 33 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,003 Was it a "meet cute"? 34 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,206 Meet... cute? 35 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,641 You know, like, uh, like in the movies. 36 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,343 She's carrying groceries, and you bump into her 37 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,445 and she spills them and you try to help her 38 00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,348 pick 'em back up, and you bonk heads, and she's concerned 39 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,451 she might have a concussion, so you tell her you're a doctor, 40 00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,619 and you keep up the ruse until after she's fallen in love 41 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,488 with you, at which point you confess 42 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,357 that you're not the man she thought you were, 43 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,425 and she's furious and never wants to talk to you, 44 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:32,860 but you go to her place of work, 45 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,495 and you make a complete fool of yourself 46 00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:36,096 by declaring your undying love for her 47 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,465 during an important business meeting. 48 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,901 Thankfully, the meeting is with Japanese bankers 49 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,636 who find you charming. 50 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,305 And they give her the big account, 51 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,973 after which you scoop her into your arms 52 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,642 and ask her to marry you, and you live happily ever after. 53 00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:54,682 In Portland. 54 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,419 Um... no. 55 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:02,956 She's a dermatologist 56 00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:06,760 Oh, well, that's cute, too. 57 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,629 So, uh, what's her name? How old is she? 58 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,732 Uh, her name's Michelle, and I'm guessing mid-'30s. 59 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,367 Ooh! Almost age-appropriate. 60 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:17,405 Oh, say, if I took a picture of a strange wart on my toe, 61 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,408 would you show it to her and ask if it's normal? 62 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,510 Sure, I'll pull it out over dinner. 63 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,578 Come on! She's a dermatologist, 64 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,447 and I have a hideous growth on my foot. 65 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,749 The hideous growth on your foot is you. 66 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:35,055 You know what, I'll email you a jpeg. 67 00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:37,825 You'll know when the moment is right. 68 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,794 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 69 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:44,164 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 70 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:47,301 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 71 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,370 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 72 00:02:49,437 --> 00:03:04,452 * Men, men, men, men... 73 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,455 * Men. 74 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,122 Hey, Alan. 75 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,591 Listen-- Hey, hey, hey, hey! 76 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,294 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 77 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,964 What are you doing? 78 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,432 Nothing. 79 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:22,135 Right. Having a little "me" time. 80 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,306 Wasn't little until you came in. 81 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,175 What do you want? 82 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,644 In case I get lucky and this girl comes back here tonight, 83 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,079 I need you to make yourself scarce. 84 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,447 No problem. 85 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,815 I don't want to see you or your wart. 86 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,517 Got it. 87 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:37,618 Good. 88 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,355 Oh! Try MalibuPuddingGirls.com. 89 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,823 Pudding girls? 90 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,891 Trust me. 91 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,162 Malibu... 92 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,098 pudding girls... 93 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,100 com. 94 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,903 Oh! Yikes. 95 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,738 * Men. 96 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,739 Right here? 97 00:03:58,806 --> 00:03:59,707 That's great. 98 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,314 How's your tush? 99 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,683 Fine. How are your boobs? 100 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,553 I meant, how is it feeling since I took the mole off? 101 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,988 Oh! A little tender, but still functional. 102 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:15,989 That's good. 103 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:16,724 It's not fair, though. 104 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,326 What? 105 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,993 Well, you've seen mine and I haven't seen yours. 106 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,629 That's true, isn't it? 107 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:24,498 We're going to have to figure out a way for you to get even. 108 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,234 Okay, show me your ass. 109 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,370 You're terrible! 110 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:33,374 How are you at those trivia questions? 111 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,377 Well, let's see. 112 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,745 "Which TV shows jump-started 113 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:40,113 these movie stars' film careers?" 114 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,114 Okay. 115 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,884 George Clooney. ER. 116 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,686 Nice. 117 00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:48,489 Leonardo DiCaprio-- Growing Pains. 118 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,257 Oh, I didn't know that. 119 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:52,460 Oh, yeah. The last season. 120 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,628 John Travolta. 121 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,464 Um... 122 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,298 (whispers): Welcome Back, Kotter. 123 00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,433 Oh. Good memory. 124 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,801 How could I forget? 125 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,136 It was my favorite show in high school. 126 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:06,073 You mean it was your favorite show 127 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,941 set in high school, right? 128 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,309 Oh, no, no. 129 00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,579 In tenth grade I had a giant crush on Travolta. 130 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,015 But... wasn't that show on in like the '70s? 131 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,484 Yeah. 132 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:21,154 So... you were in high school in the '70's? 133 00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,756 Uh-huh. 134 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,225 Were you like, really, really smart 135 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,227 and skipped a bunch of grades? 136 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:28,429 Uh-uh. 137 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,433 I'm 47, Charlie. 138 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:36,570 Oh. Okay. I wasn't even thinking about that. 139 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,072 Really. What were you thinking about? 140 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:42,476 Uh... You know, the whole Scientology thing 141 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,646 with Travolta and Cruise. What's that all about? 142 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,748 How old are you? You know how old I am. 143 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,517 I filled it out on my medical form. 144 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,819 Oh, you are not 36, Charlie. 145 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,954 Even your mole was older than that. 146 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,089 Did I write 36? 147 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,090 Yeah. 148 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,158 I meant 40... 149 00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,728 two. 150 00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:04,432 Three. 151 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,400 So I'm out with a younger man. 152 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,771 Sexy. 153 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:14,442 Yeah. Cool. 154 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,043 * Men. 155 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,111 Do you want to come in for some coffee? 156 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:21,415 Oh, gee, I'd love to, but, um... 157 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,016 But what? 158 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,519 Well, this isn't something I normally say on a first date, 159 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,021 but my left ass cheek is throbbing. 160 00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:31,725 Oh, you poor baby. Do you want me to take a look at it? 161 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,261 No, no, that'd just be a pity peek. 162 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,997 I'm-I'm-I'm sure it's fine. 163 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,399 But I-- I should go. 164 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,368 Okay. 165 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,670 Well, I suppose you'll call me, 166 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,304 if you want to get together again. 167 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:45,839 Absolutely, I will. 168 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,274 Good night. 169 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,409 Good night. 170 00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,612 You've got my number, right? 171 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,447 Indeed, I do. 172 00:06:57,585 --> 00:07:01,288 Forty-seven. 173 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,857 * Men. 174 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,193 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 175 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,928 Whoa! 176 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,898 Oh, Alan, again? 177 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,466 I-It's not what it looks like. 178 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,234 Hey, I get it. 179 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,570 You're bored. You're lonely. You can't afford a hooker. 180 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,506 But come on, keep it in your room! 181 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,909 Okay, i-in my defense, I wasn't expecting you home till later. 182 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,612 Plus, it felt a little naughtier out here. 183 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,013 You know, in public. 184 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,615 You want naughty? 185 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,150 Go yank it on the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium. 186 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,451 Ooh, clever. 187 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:35,255 Seventh-inning stretch. 188 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,391 You realize I now have to burn the couch. 189 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,627 Well, if you're going to do that, 190 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,162 you might want to burn the deck chair, too. 191 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,498 Oh, God, Alan. 192 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:45,132 So how was your evening? 193 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,700 Fine. 194 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,802 I thought you were planning on bringing her back here. 195 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,639 And yet you were twanging your magic clanger 196 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,807 right in the middle of the living room. 197 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,910 I lost track of time. Sue me. 198 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,579 So, uh, what went wrong with your date? 199 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,113 Nothing went wrong. 200 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,851 She's terrific. She's beautiful. She's smart. 201 00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:04,885 But...? 202 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,654 She's 47. 203 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,657 You said she was in her mid-'30s. 204 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,991 That's what I thought. 205 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,660 Apparently, dermatologists 206 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:17,064 know how to take really good care of their skin. 207 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,498 Or she's a witch. 208 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,935 I don't understand. You liked her when you thought she was 35. 209 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:22,836 What changed? 210 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,773 I found out she's 47. 211 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,208 Oh, come on. 47's just a number. 212 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,409 A big number. 213 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:31,178 A scary number. 214 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,414 Are you really that superficial, vain, and shallow? 215 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,984 Yes, yes, and yes. 216 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,053 Probably the deepest thing about me is a little pit on my ass 217 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,589 where a mole used to be. 218 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,857 But fish can swim in shallow water. 219 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,893 What the hell's that supposed to mean? 220 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:49,462 I don't know, I'm a little dehydrated. 221 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,031 What I'm trying to say 222 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,901 is that it's silly to throw away a promising relationship 223 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,803 based on an arbitrary number. 224 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:59,740 It's not arbitrary. She's really 47. 225 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:03,644 47! That's like ten years older than me. 226 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:06,279 Why do you do that? 227 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,216 I'm your brother. 228 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,484 I know exactly how old you are. 229 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,788 The point is, the minute I found out she was older than me, 230 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,857 I started looking at her in a whole different way. 231 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:17,825 And what way is that? 232 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,727 Like, she's a woman who, 233 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,495 when I'm 52, she'll be 60. 234 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,398 You'll be 56. 235 00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:28,301 What are you, the math police? 236 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,070 You know what this is really about, don't you? 237 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:33,874 Yeah. When I'm 58, she'll be 70! 238 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,542 You're really going to keep doing this? 239 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,110 I can't help myself. 240 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,879 Look at it this way: 241 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:42,783 When she's 70, you're likely to have been dead for ten years. 242 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:46,920 Actually, that does make me feel a little better. 243 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,656 I'll tell you one thing, Charlie. 244 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,925 I would give anything to find someone I enjoy being with, 245 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,661 who's close to my own age, 246 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,629 and who I can really connect with. 247 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,031 Look no further, Alan. 248 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,099 You've found her. 249 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:10,443 You do get me, don't you? 250 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,444 * Men. 251 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,446 I gotta be honest with you. 252 00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:16,383 I didn't think I was ever going to hear from you again. 253 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,584 Why would you think that? 254 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,753 I don't know-- the age thing. 255 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,489 Oh, come on. It's just a number. 256 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:23,490 I like you. 257 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,992 I'm attracted to you. 258 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,860 Plus, there's no way anybody looks at you and thinks, 259 00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,662 "This is a 47-year-old woman." 260 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,063 Thank you. 261 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,399 Hey, we're only as old as we feel, right? 262 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,101 Right. 263 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,870 So I say, for all intents and purposes, you and I? 264 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,839 Couple of 35-year-olds. 265 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,641 Agreed. We're 35. 266 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,212 Hi, Mom. 267 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,950 That's my daughter. 268 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:53,186 For all intents and purposes, she's eight. 269 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,157 * Men. 270 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,393 * Men. 271 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,695 Shauna, this is Charlie. 272 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,163 SHAUNA: Yeah, hey. Sorry to interrupt. 273 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,564 I just came to pick up my snowboard stuff. 274 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,465 Why? 275 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:06,734 What do you mean, why? 276 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,068 I'm going to Mammoth for a few days. 277 00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:08,702 With who? 278 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:09,837 What do you care? 279 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,338 I'm your mother. 280 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,372 Should I go? 281 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,707 No, no, it's fine. 282 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:14,908 Who are you going with? 283 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:15,809 His name's Jeremy. 284 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:16,944 You happy? 285 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,746 Jeremy? What happened to Sarah? 286 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,247 Sarah and I broke up. 287 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,882 (mouthing) 288 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,884 MICHELLE: When were you gonna tell me this? 289 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,185 Mom, I'm 20 years old; 290 00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,254 my personal life is none of your business. 291 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,857 (mouthing) 292 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,859 As long as you're my daughter, it's my business. 293 00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,160 Tell me about Jeremy. 294 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,161 What's to tell? 295 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,428 He's a nice guy. 296 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,429 He's Sarah's roommate. 297 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:37,397 Wait a minute. 298 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,631 You broke up with Sarah 299 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,133 so you could hook up with her roommate? 300 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,634 No, no. 301 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,504 We were all hooking up together, but then Sarah got all weird 302 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,906 even though it was her idea. 303 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,241 Don't you just hate that? 304 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,849 Are you telling me that the three of you had sex together? 305 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,050 Hey, you're the one who said 306 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,451 I should explore all my options in life. 307 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:01,654 I was talking about grad school, not threesomes! 308 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,924 I'm so sorry you have to hear this. 309 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:04,892 No, no, no, it's fine. 310 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:07,127 Pretend I'm not here. 311 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,330 I also need to borrow some money. 312 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,832 Shauna, how do you expect to pay me back? 313 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:12,966 I still have a job. 314 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,667 A webcam in your bathroom 315 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,636 and a PayPal account is not a job! 316 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,072 (groans weakly) 317 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,041 I admit, it's not making much money. 318 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,376 But that's because there's so much free porn out there! 319 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:24,411 She's got a point. 320 00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:28,148 The whole pay-to-peek industry is dying. 321 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,150 Thank you. You're welcome. 322 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,853 And if I could just throw in my two cents here. 323 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,421 Michelle, your daughter's at that time 324 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,057 in her life where she's got to make her own choices, 325 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,826 and it doesn't matter if they're right or wrong. 326 00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,193 Either way, she learns. 327 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,795 But I'm just trying to protect her. 328 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,496 You can't protect her. 329 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,733 All you can do is love her and be there for her no matter what. 330 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,936 I am there for her. 331 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,237 You know that, right? 332 00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,239 Yeah, I do. 333 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:53,907 Come here. 334 00:12:57,845 --> 00:13:00,213 (groans weakly) 335 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:00,713 What? 336 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,849 I should go. 337 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,250 Oh, no, no, it's okay. 338 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,885 Really, I got to go. And you should have 339 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:05,886 this time with your daughter. 340 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,619 Are you sure? 341 00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:08,188 Absolutely. 342 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,622 I'll call you tomorrow. Nice to meet you, Shauna. 343 00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:12,125 Nice to meet you, too. 344 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:17,330 It's wrong, it's wrong, it's so wrong. 345 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,732 Oh, what the hell? 346 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,836 Let's try ShaunaShower.com. 347 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,337 * Men. 348 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,386 (mariachi music playing) 349 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,937 Oh, for God's sake! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! 350 00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,271 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 351 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,708 It's not what it looks like! 352 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,310 Well, that's a relief. 353 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,577 'Cause it looks like you were masturbating 354 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,013 to mariachi music in your car. 355 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,380 What do you want? 356 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,816 I only get AM radio! 357 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,484 * Men. 358 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,187 CHARLIE: Alan? 359 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,224 In here. (TV playing) 360 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,326 Is it safe? 361 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,361 Yes. 362 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:32,505 We cool here? 363 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,709 Yes. 364 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,178 Relax. 365 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,916 You do realize you have a serious problem. 366 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,351 It's not my fault. 367 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,418 Really? 368 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,419 Whose fault is it? 369 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,754 Big pharma. 370 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,589 (turns off TV) 371 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,058 Who the hell's big pharma? 372 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,459 You know, the pharmaceutical companies 373 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,828 that make boner pills that last 36 hours. 374 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,065 You took a boner pill? 375 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,067 I had to. The pills were about to expire. 376 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,869 But you didn't have a woman. 377 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,272 Hence the constant masturbation. 378 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,340 You know how expensive those things are. 379 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,343 I'm simply trying to get my money's worth. 380 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:15,015 So this non-stop whack-a-thon is just 'cause you're cheap? 381 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,517 And horny. 382 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,751 And nuts. 383 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:20,587 Semantics. 384 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,990 Why the car? 385 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,857 You said "not in the living room." 386 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,494 Did I say "in the car"? 387 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,861 Well, I didn't plan it. 388 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,598 I was gonna go to the movies and I got distracted. 389 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:35,402 What could possibly distract you from driving out of the garage? 390 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,369 Think about it. 391 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,638 Slipping the key into the hole. 392 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,443 Gently turning it. 393 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:47,147 Pumping the gas until the engine starts purring. 394 00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,617 I'm thinking about it and I'm still going with nuts. 395 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:54,521 Well, unlike you, I did not have female companionship tonight. 396 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,089 Well, as it turns out, neither did I. 397 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,524 What happened? 398 00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:01,361 You really expect me to share my personal problems 399 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,730 with a self-abusing zoo monkey? 400 00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:07,634 Who else you got? 401 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,869 (sighs) 402 00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:10,837 All right, here's the deal. 403 00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,305 I went back to Michelle, 404 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,307 determined to take the whole age thing off the table. 405 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:16,109 Good for you. Very mature. 406 00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,211 And it was going great, until her daughter walks in. 407 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,179 She has a daughter? 408 00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:22,582 Not just a daughter, Alan. 409 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,284 A 20-year-old daughter. 410 00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:25,652 A gorgeous daughter. 411 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,220 A bisexual daughter. 412 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,389 Summing up: 413 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,658 a 20-year-old, gorgeous, bisexual daughter. 414 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:32,459 Got it. 415 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,660 What did you do? 416 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,528 What could I do? I got the hell out of there. 417 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,596 Why? 418 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,464 What do you mean, why? 419 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,631 You know me. 420 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,433 If I continue a relationship with Michelle, 421 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,036 at some point, I'm gonna try to nail her daughter. 422 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,407 Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, 423 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:50,043 but as sure as your speedometer could use a Handi Wipe, 424 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,979 it will happen. 425 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,947 So you're breaking up with Michelle? 426 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,383 I have to! 427 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,418 And then you're gonna hit on the daughter. 428 00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,452 No, no, no, no. 429 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,054 I'm getting away from both of them. 430 00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,722 I figure it's better to hurt Michelle 431 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,524 a little now than a lot later. 432 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:05,325 Oh. 433 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,194 Well, color me impressed. 434 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,496 You're making a decision 435 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,531 that's considerate and selfless. 436 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,466 Putting aside, of course, the fact that 437 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,436 the motivation for the decision is sordid and despicable. 438 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,537 Thank you. 439 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,941 Seriously though, the daughter is unbelievable. 440 00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:24,811 She actually has some kind of porn site on the Internet. 441 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,813 Really? 442 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,718 Apparently, there's a webcam in her bathroom. 443 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:32,852 Mm. 444 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,387 Can you imagine? 445 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:37,824 A 20-year-old co-ed in the shower with her girlfriend, 446 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,459 soaping each other up? 447 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,100 Something to ponder. 448 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,603 Excuse me. 449 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:02,749 (mariachi music playing) 450 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:13,726 Actually, not a bad idea. 451 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,862 * Men. 452 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,532 ALAN: Hey, hey, hey, hey! 453 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:20,800 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 454 00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,135 Aw, geez, Zippy! 455 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:25,738 What are you doing with the pudding? 456 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,340 * Men. 457 00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:29,542 Well, I guess I appreciate your honesty. 458 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,646 I just think it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship with you 459 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,082 knowing I'm still not over Chelsea. 460 00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,384 No, it's understandable. 461 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,252 She was your fiancée. 462 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:42,689 I've tried to stop thinking about her, and I can't. 463 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:45,225 And I like you too much to risk our relationship 464 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,959 being some kind of a rebound thing. 465 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,461 All right. 466 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,563 I guess I just have to accept that. 467 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,798 Thank you. 468 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,101 Bye. 469 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,669 Bye. 470 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:58,871 You know what, Jeremy? 471 00:18:58,938 --> 00:18:59,872 Just go to hell. 472 00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,708 You're a childish jerk. 473 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,843 Oh, hey. 474 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:04,911 You okay? 475 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,379 I guess. 476 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:09,048 Just thought this guy was something he's not. 477 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,550 Well, he's young, 478 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:13,019 and, you know, women mature faster than boys. 479 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,655 That is so true. 480 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:19,692 Have you considered dating someone a little older? 481 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:23,730 I tried that once; it was disgusting. 482 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,932 Really? 483 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,634 The guy was almost 35. 484 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,303 It was like sleeping with my grandfather. 485 00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,105 No kidding. 486 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,841 He could only do it twice in a row 487 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,843 before he needed to take a nap. 488 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,911 Uh-huh. 489 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,581 Excuse me. 490 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:42,982 Hey, Michelle, good news! 491 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,851 I think I'm over Chelsea! 492 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,853 * Men. 493 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,561 * 494 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,563 ALAN: Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! 495 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,532 It's not what it looks like! 496 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,634 * Men. 497 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,704 So... you feel like going again? 498 00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,539 Uh, sure. 499 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,608 I just need, you know, a little nap first. 500 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:11,344 Geez, Charlie, what are you gonna be like 501 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:12,745 when you're my age? 502 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,714 Ooh, ouch. 503 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,549 I'm kidding. 504 00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:17,484 Come here. 505 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,587 (cell phone ringing) 506 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,589 Hang on. 507 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,827 What do you want, Alan? 508 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:28,828 Arrested? 509 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,697 For what? 510 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,333 Oh, Alan. 511 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,468 What was the movie? 512 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,969 You're right, doesn't matter. 513 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,805 Okay, I'm on my way. 514 00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:40,773 Where you going? 515 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:41,808 Nowhere. 516 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,876 (laughs) 517 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,513 * Men.