1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,271 * Men. 2 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,005 All righty. Here we go. 3 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,675 $38.41 for school pictures. 4 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,676 Thanks. 5 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:10,878 You forgot to sign it. 6 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,480 No. Did I? 7 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,448 Oh! Silly me. 8 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:18,619 Um. Alan... Jerome... Harper... 9 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,188 D.C. 10 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,456 District of Columbia? 11 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,727 Doctor of Chiropractic. 12 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:29,463 You know, not everyone can use those letters after his name. 13 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,665 Congratulations. Give me the check. 14 00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:35,769 You put the wrong date. 15 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,571 Oh. Did I? 16 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:38,972 Yeah, see? It's for next month? 17 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,574 Oh! Uh, don't worry about that, 18 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,443 that's just for bookkeeping purposes. 19 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,512 This isn't going to be like the check you gave me 20 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,347 for the field trip to Catalina, is it? 21 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,449 Hey, hey, that was the bank's mistake. 22 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,551 Yeah? Well, the teacher made me stay on the boat 23 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,886 while everyone else went swimming with dolphins. 24 00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,822 Dolphins carry disease, Jake. 25 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,726 Alan Harper, D.I.C. 26 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,328 You're welcome! 27 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,862 JAKE: You're cheap. 28 00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,197 I'm not cheap, I'm broke! 29 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:04,565 ALAN: There's a difference. 30 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,767 He was cheap long before he was broke. 31 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,405 If you knew what I'd done on that table recently, 32 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:14,242 you wouldn't put your face on it. 33 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,146 I don't get it, Charlie. 34 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,414 I'm a good guy, I try to do the right thing, 35 00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:22,049 and I have nothing to show for it. 36 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,185 Are you still grinding on the fact that you 37 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,286 finally met a great gal, 38 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,487 moved in with her, 39 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,021 had a house you could call your own, 40 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,158 then burned it down along with all your possessions 41 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:32,926 and watched her run off with her ex-husband? 42 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:36,297 Was it really necessary to list the entire fiasco? 43 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:39,967 I enjoy the occasional recap. 44 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,235 But look at the bright side. 45 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,236 What bright side? 46 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,037 I just got a big residual check, 47 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:44,872 and I'm heading to Vegas! 48 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,374 Oh, my God! 49 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,842 Do you have any idea how long it would take me 50 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:49,877 to earn that kind of money? 51 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,379 Oh, don't think like that. 52 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,447 You're never going to earn that kind of money. 53 00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:55,983 (groans) 54 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:56,984 Seriously-- table. 55 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,752 (groans): Oh...! 56 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,755 Okay, I know I give you a hard time, 57 00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,926 but it makes me feel horrible watching you go through this. 58 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,094 You know what I'm going to do? 59 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,162 What? 60 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,863 Stop watching you. 61 00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,867 I'm starting to feel better already. 62 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,771 CHARLIE: Table! 63 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,608 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 64 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,744 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 65 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,281 * Men. 66 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,717 Okay, I'm out of here. 67 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,985 Bye. 68 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,587 Oh, Zippy. 69 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,056 I can't stand seeing you like this. 70 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:38,659 You going to Vegas, too? 71 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:40,361 I wish. 72 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:45,733 You know, I've been where you are. 73 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,701 What'd you do on the table? 74 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,943 No... I've been down and out. 75 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,445 I've lost everything, 76 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,513 didn't know where my next meal was coming from. 77 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:00,581 Really? 78 00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:02,683 Felt like I was all alone in the world. 79 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:03,851 No friends. 80 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,754 Nobody who gave a damn whether I lived or died. 81 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,222 What'd you do? 82 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:11,559 Well, first thing I did was pick myself up, 83 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:15,195 dust myself off, and rat out my ex-boyfriend to the Feds. 84 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,197 You're kidding. 85 00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,567 Got a $2,500 reward from 86 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,802 the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. 87 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,973 Took that, and invested it in a pallet of 88 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,441 counterfeit Jordache jeans, 89 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,177 set up a booth at the Rose Bowl swap meet. 90 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,479 Made a killing. 91 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,546 Really? 92 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,248 Took those profits and opened up 93 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:36,384 a little donut shop, across the street 94 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,919 from a police station... 95 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,288 Can't miss, right? 96 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:44,692 Turns out, cops don't like paying for donuts. 97 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,997 Lost my ass. 98 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,334 Had to go to work cleaning toilets for strangers. 99 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,803 What's the point of this story? 100 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:59,740 I just wanted you to know I've had a colorful past. 101 00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,845 Good night. 102 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,547 (groans) 103 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,716 It was a hell of a story. 104 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,452 * Men. 105 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,921 Jake, I'm going to take a nap. 106 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,574 (groans) 107 00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,310 (groans) 108 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,014 (thud, grunt) 109 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:17,618 Ow. 110 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,466 Oh... 111 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,603 Egyptian cotton. 112 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,805 (hums "Streets of Cairo") 113 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:47,047 Might as well take a nap in style for a change. 114 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,125 Oh, yeah. 115 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,330 No wonder he can have so much sex. 116 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:06,233 The mattress does half the work. 117 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:09,637 Oh, hello. 118 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,239 New TV. 119 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,107 Hmm, remote. 120 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:17,144 Remote, where is the remote? 121 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,150 Poor Charlie. 122 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:26,153 Went to Vegas and forgot his hooker money. 123 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,124 Oh, here we go. 124 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,338 What the hell? 125 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,909 You sick bastard. 126 00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,844 Oh... 127 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,914 This would be terrific with a woman. 128 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,360 Ugh. 129 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:11,064 My ass cannot be that big. 130 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,033 Ugh... 131 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,740 Who's your daddy? 132 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:21,575 Who's your daddy? 133 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,877 Unfortunately, you are. 134 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:26,446 Hey, buddy. 135 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:27,881 Uh, what are you doing up here? 136 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,183 You're on the TV downstairs. 137 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,222 Yes, well, there's a very good explanation for that. 138 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,223 I'm listening. 139 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,491 It never happened. 140 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:41,061 Understood. Daddy. 141 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,932 * Men. 142 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,668 Yeah, hi, this is Charlie Harper in the garden suite. 143 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:50,037 I'm going to need a couple more pillows and some ice. 144 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:51,038 Thank you. 145 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,244 Okay, this is nice... 146 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,513 quiet... private... 147 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,181 (knocking on door) 148 00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,550 Come on in. 149 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,654 Mr. Harper? 150 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,656 Call me Charlie. 151 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,324 All right, Charlie. 152 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,325 Call me Kendra. 153 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:15,395 Can I call you Nurse Kendra? 154 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,464 If you like. 155 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:18,832 Ooh, I like. 156 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:23,036 I gotta tell you, Nurse Kendra, I'm a little nervous. 157 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,805 I've never done anything like this before. 158 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:27,641 Oh! A newbie. Well, don't worry. 159 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,409 You're in good hands. 160 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,911 Is it going to hurt? 161 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:35,282 Maybe a little soreness afterwards... some bruising... 162 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,719 Well, I guess that's what I'm paying for, right? 163 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,921 Hello, Mr. Harper! 164 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,590 Welcome to the Schenkman Clinic. 165 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:46,359 We have you down for an eye lift and a neck tuck in the morning. 166 00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,728 That's correct. 167 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,763 Is there anything else you'd like done 168 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:50,831 while you're out? 169 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,232 Little lipo? Nose job? 170 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,233 Penis enlargement? 171 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,534 No, no. No, thanks. 172 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,969 And for the record, 173 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,338 I got a penis enlargement when you walked in the room. 174 00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,708 Thank you. 175 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,211 You have any questions? Concerns? 176 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,780 I don't think so, I just want to make sure I look natural, 177 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,281 like I haven't had any work done. 178 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,416 No. Don't you worry. 179 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,084 My work is undetectable. 180 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,553 In fact, you might be surprised to learn that Kendra here 181 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,989 is a 62-year-old black man. 182 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,760 I'm kidding. 183 00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:23,230 But those boobs? Those are Schenkman's. 184 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,966 I'm not sure I want my eyes to pop out like that. 185 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,401 You're going to look great. See you in the morning. 186 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,738 Thank you, Doc. 187 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,239 Anything else you need? 188 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,907 I think I'm okay. 189 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:35,776 Wait, wait, wait. 190 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:36,910 There is one thing. 191 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:40,113 No, you can't see them. 192 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,281 Then I'm good. 193 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,619 * Men. 194 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:46,954 (doorbell rings) 195 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,823 ALAN: Jake! Your mom's here! 196 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:56,897 Hey. 197 00:09:56,964 --> 00:10:00,333 Well, I guess it was probably inevitable. 198 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,301 What? Oh! 199 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,970 Oh, the clothes. 200 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,773 Well, as you know, most of mine burned up in the fire, 201 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,308 and Charlie's in Vegas, so I figured, why not? 202 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,143 Because you look like an idiot. 203 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:11,912 Hey, Mom. 204 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,146 Hi. Bye, buddy. 205 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,983 Get help. 206 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,987 Wish I could afford it! 207 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:23,924 Oh, man. 208 00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:28,495 My life is pathetic. 209 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,698 On the other hand... 210 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,167 Charlie's life is great. 211 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,204 Bartender! 212 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,739 Drinks for everybody! 213 00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:40,607 (everyone cheering) 214 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,310 Just house brands. 215 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,378 Hi. Charlie Harper. 216 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,647 * Men. 217 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,583 * Men. 218 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,720 Wow! A house on the beach. 219 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,021 That's awesome, Charlie. 220 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,690 Well, I suppose it must seem that way. 221 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,658 I mean, you'd think driving around town 222 00:10:58,726 --> 00:10:59,793 in a big, brand-new Mercedes 223 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,695 would also be pretty awesome. 224 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:02,863 And-- and it is. 225 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,198 Um, but, at the end of the day, 226 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,735 doesn't matter how much stuff you have. 227 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,737 What matters is what's in here. 228 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,605 Oh, what is in here? 229 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,708 Oh! Pfft! More cash. 230 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,210 How about that? 231 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,413 And you got all that just by writing jingles? 232 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,449 I know! Not even a real job. 233 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,452 What can I say? You know, some of us are very lucky. 234 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:30,023 Very, very... very lucky. 235 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,859 Charlie? 236 00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,962 Yeah. Charlie. 237 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,431 I mean, yeah! Charlie! 238 00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,000 You want to get out of here? 239 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,869 Wow! Where'd that come from? 240 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,103 I thought we were getting along. 241 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,838 N-No! 242 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,373 I mean together. 243 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,440 Someplace quiet? 244 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,977 Oh, yes, uh, yes, by all means! 245 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,444 Let's go somewhere quiet. 246 00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:54,681 Uh, bartender, thank you for taking such good care of us. 247 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:55,682 Here you go. 248 00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:58,151 One, two, three dollars. 249 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,820 Give one of those to the waitress. 250 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,621 So, where would you like to go? 251 00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,924 How about your beach house? 252 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,794 Great idea! 253 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,028 Yeah, why go to Denny's or Appleby's 254 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,696 when you have your own beach house? 255 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:13,233 Come, let us Mercedes to the beach. 256 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,903 (whispering): This is so easy. 257 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,705 * Men. 258 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,908 Charlie... 259 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,277 Mom? 260 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,215 Sweet Jesus! 261 00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,449 Surprise! 262 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,851 What happened to you? 263 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,519 What are you doing here? 264 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,722 Since I referred you to Dr. Schenkman, he was kind enough 265 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,390 to offer me a free chemical peel. 266 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,928 When this heals, I will have the face of a 12-year-old girl. 267 00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,963 Yeah, but from the neck down, 268 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,165 you'll still be an Egyptian mummy. 269 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,900 Oh, hush. 270 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,136 I just stopped by to wish you luck tomorrow. 271 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,003 Well, thanks. 272 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,372 No, wait-- why would I need luck? 273 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,974 Oh, no reason. 274 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:57,644 That 60 Minutes report on Dr. Schenkman 275 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,880 was entirely one-sided. 276 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:04,284 Much like that poor woman's vagina. 277 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,288 Sleep well. 278 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:31,378 Yeah, like I'm going to sleep at all after that. 279 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,213 * Men. 280 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,716 Welcome to the Casa del Charlie. 281 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,218 Wow. 282 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,920 What a beautiful beach house. 283 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,054 Yes, yes, it is. 284 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,155 Beach is out there. 285 00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,657 And just past it, the ocean. 286 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,193 Oh. 287 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,794 Keep going and you hit Hawaii. 288 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:48,828 Oh. 289 00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,397 Then Japan. 290 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:54,301 And I guess this is where you write all your jingles. 291 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,503 Yup. This is where the magic happens. 292 00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:57,871 (chuckling) 293 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,406 Play me something. 294 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,209 Oh, gosh. 295 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,445 I'd rather not. 296 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,414 Oh, please? For me. 297 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:09,616 Well, if you insist. 298 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:10,617 (anxious laugh) 299 00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,524 (plays glissando) 300 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,032 Ah... 301 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:32,605 Here is a little song you might remember by... 302 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,577 ...the immortal... 303 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,449 ...Mr. Billy Joel. 304 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,656 (off-key): * Harry Truman, Doris Day 305 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,591 * Red China, Johnnie Ray 306 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:55,628 * South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio * 307 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:56,896 * Ho! 308 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,665 * Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon 309 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,800 * Studebaker, television 310 00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:03,570 (jabbering) 311 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,738 * Marilyn Monroe 312 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:08,408 * We didn't start the fire 313 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,745 * It was always burning since the world's been turning * 314 00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:15,215 * We didn't start the fire 315 00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:19,319 * No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it * 316 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,688 * We didn't start the fire! 317 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,689 (plays glissando) 318 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,924 (laughing) 319 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,331 You're very talented. 320 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,199 Oh, no, no, no. 321 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,101 Billy Joel is very talented. 322 00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,169 I'm just a piano man. 323 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,538 I only have one question. What's that? 324 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,474 How long are you going to pretend to be Charlie Harper? 325 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,713 (off-key): * Sing us a song 326 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,548 * You're the piano man... 327 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,850 Oh, please... yeah, give it a rest. 328 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,119 (sighs) 329 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,586 How'd you know? 330 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:55,255 I've been with Charlie. 331 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,924 I-I've been in this house. 332 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,192 Well... 333 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,394 Color me embarrassed. 334 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,998 So... 335 00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,699 Who are you? 336 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,900 (sighs) 337 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,436 All right. All right. 338 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,771 Here's the truth. 339 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,474 My real name is Derek. 340 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,079 Brick. 341 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,415 House. 342 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,453 Derek Brickhouse. 343 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:27,787 Yeah, try again. 344 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,622 (sighs) All right. 345 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,192 My name is Alan. I'm-I'm Charlie's brother. 346 00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:33,760 I-I live on his fold-out couch. 347 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,028 I'm-I'm sorry. I'll drive you back. 348 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,263 Hang on. 349 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,031 I didn't say I wanted to go. 350 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:41,034 Oh, no, but I thought it was kind of implied. 351 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,870 I'm having a good time, aren't you? 352 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:47,006 Well, not now. 353 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,242 I was. 354 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,678 When I was Charlie. 355 00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:54,114 And Billy Joel. 356 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,049 Who else do you like to be? 357 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,417 What do you mean? 358 00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:02,589 I think role-playing is kind of a turn-on. 359 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,723 No kidding. 360 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,158 Yeah. 361 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,726 That's why I came back here with you. 362 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,828 Makes some guys nervous. 363 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,862 Your brother hated it. 364 00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:11,098 Well, I am not my brother. 365 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,465 (laughing) 366 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,001 As you so adroitly pointed out. 367 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,070 Come on. 368 00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,738 Oh, boy. 369 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,607 Role playing. 370 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,509 Can I be the man? 371 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:23,976 Are you serious? 372 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:28,415 Well, I've had a bad run lately. 373 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,782 * Men. 374 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,784 Mr. Harper. 375 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,155 Mr. Harper. 376 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,623 How are you feeling? 377 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,658 Okay. 378 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,859 How'd it go? 379 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,661 It went great. 380 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:44,731 And the doctor decided to give you a bonus. 381 00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,733 Check 'em out. 382 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,272 Oh, no, no. 383 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,673 I didn't ask for these. 384 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,142 But you haven't even seen them yet. 385 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:58,878 I don't want to see them. 386 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,813 Hang on. 387 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:09,822 You know, this could work. 388 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,299 * Men. 389 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:22,335 So, Gretchen, what exactly was the role playing 390 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,003 that freaked Charlie out so much? 391 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,672 GRETCHEN: Hang on. You'll see. 392 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,740 I'm just glad you're not as uptight as he is. 393 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:30,877 Well, as you know, I'm capable of bending the rules 394 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,879 and going with the flow. 395 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:49,929 (with German accent): What do you think, 396 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:52,131 Schweinhund? 397 00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:00,473 Not a deal-breaker. 398 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,675 * Men. 399 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:05,978 * Men. 400 00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,580 Honey, I'm home. 401 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:11,050 ALAN: In the kitchen. 402 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,253 Kids okay? 403 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,357 How's the Beaver? 404 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,426 Everybody's fine. How's Vegas? 405 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,761 You know, the usual. 406 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:22,762 How was your weekend? 407 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:23,996 Pretty good. 408 00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:26,199 I met a girl. 409 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,674 Did her name happen to be Gretchen? 410 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,509 Jawohl. 411 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,448 That's indelible marker, you know. I know. 412 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,350 Don't worry, it'll come off in a few weeks. 413 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,551 That's what I figured. 414 00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,553 Does she still have her little mustache? 415 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,821 You know, down at the Russian front? 416 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,124 I wouldn't know what she's got. 417 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,227 I was blindfolded and hog-tied. 418 00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,396 Right, right, right. 419 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:58,164 Why are you wearing sunglasses? 420 00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,232 No reason. 421 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,300 Why don't you take them off? 422 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,502 Okay, fine. 423 00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,704 You might as well know. 424 00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,975 Bar fight. 425 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,344 Oh, no. What happened? 426 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,813 Eh, some bikers were giving a stripper a hard time, 427 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,214 so I jumped in. 428 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:16,048 You're kidding. 429 00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,484 You know me. 430 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,786 I can't stand to see a naked, high-heeled, 431 00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,954 glitter-covered, ping-pong-ball-shooting 432 00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,524 woman in distress. 433 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:29,796 Wow. That-That sounds very brave. 434 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:30,963 Good for you. 435 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,699 Thank you. 436 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:33,800 Uh, Charlie? 437 00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,302 Yeah? 438 00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,503 Uh, if you're going to go with that story, 439 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,870 you might want to ask mom 440 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,772 to stop telling people you had your eyes done. 441 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,841 Damn. 442 00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,612 The mummy strikes again. 443 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:51,851 You know, it's actually not a bad look. 444 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,287 Shame one guy had to ruin it for everybody. 445 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,789 * Men.