1 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,472 I think you should move in. (gasps) 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,340 You bet your ass you're not going to do it. 3 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,775 I'm moving in with Lyndsey. 4 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,677 Alan. Lyndsey and I 5 00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,046 have decided to live together. 6 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,115 Well, here we are. 7 00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:15,216 Final good-bye. 8 00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:16,784 One can only hope. 9 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,686 Alan? 10 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,620 Melissa? 11 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,288 I've missed you. 12 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,889 So, seeing anybody? 13 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,023 Nope. You? 14 00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,425 No. 15 00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,427 Alan? I'll explain later. Hey, Charlie. 16 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:29,163 Don't worry, I'm still moving in with Lyndsey. 17 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,299 This will just be my pied-à-terre. 18 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,603 I'm sorry I have to go. Me, too. 19 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,506 I mean that you have to go, not that I have to go. 20 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,275 Why would I have to go? I live here. 21 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:42,110 Can we do this again? 22 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,744 Again? 23 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:46,847 Well, maybe you can do it again, but men are different. 24 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,716 I mean another time. 25 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,384 Oh, oh, sure. Why not? 26 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,519 I live here. 27 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,687 Okay. Bye. 28 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,489 Bye. 29 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,861 All right, I know what you're going to say. 30 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,263 I don't think you do. 31 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:05,065 It was wrong. I'm cheating on Lyndsey. 32 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,267 I'm lying to Melissa... 33 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,668 No, no, no, no, no. 34 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,171 What I was going to say is, you don't live here. 35 00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,107 You moved out! Ah... 36 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,508 Not officially. 37 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,076 I never actually made it to Lyndsey's house. 38 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,044 Speaking of which, I should get going. 39 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,812 Alan, Alan, listen to me. 40 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:21,882 If you screw this up with Lyndsey, you're going wind up back here. 41 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,083 And you need to understand something. 42 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,718 There is no back here. 43 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,886 I got it, got it. 44 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,488 You know, it was a crazy impulse. 45 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,523 Old girlfriend-- it was a one time thing. 46 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,725 Uh, well, technically it was a two time thing. 47 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,628 The second one was in the shower. 48 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,831 Well, that is where you've been practicing. 49 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,635 You know, 50 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:44,772 you have to admit this is a very curious turn of events. 51 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:48,209 I mean, seven years ago I arrived on this very doorstep 52 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,077 heartbroken and alone. 53 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,380 And you had chicks coming out the kazoo. 54 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,214 (chuckles) 55 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:54,715 Now look at us. 56 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,151 The student has become the master. 57 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,354 Arrigato, sensei. 58 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:02,956 Ow! 59 00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:05,659 You're welcome, grasshopper. 60 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,629 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 61 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,699 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 62 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:15,068 * Men. 63 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,171 Lyndsey, you in here? 64 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,939 LYNDSEY: What took you so long? 65 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,541 I was getting worried. 66 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,543 Oh, well, saying good-bye to Charlie turned out 67 00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:24,778 to be tougher than I thought it was going to be. 68 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:27,315 He didn't want to see his baby brother go. 69 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,882 You're kidding. Nope. 70 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,352 You know, Charlie may be prickly and crusty 71 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,087 on the outside, but inside, he's all soft and gooey. 72 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:38,192 Kind of like a pudding-filled cactus. 73 00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,993 Well, I'm glad you're back, 74 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:44,031 (singsongy): because I have a moving in present for you. 75 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,699 Oh, great. 76 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,068 (whispers): Please don't be sex, please don't be sex. 77 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,204 Ta-da! 78 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:53,407 Oh, boy, sex. 79 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,710 I sent the kids to the movies, 80 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,846 so it's just you and me. 81 00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:01,515 So no interruptions. 82 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,450 Goody. 83 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,652 Come on, unwrap your present. 84 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,120 All right, um, but how about, uh, 85 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,022 we make this one about your pleasure? 86 00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,157 Aren't you in the mood? 87 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,959 Of course I'm in the mood. 88 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,093 I'm a man. 89 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,995 Men are always in the mood. 90 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,097 Mmm, sex. 91 00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,132 Shh, shh, shh. 92 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,168 How about we do the first one fast, 93 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,271 and the second one nice and slow. 94 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,507 Second one... 95 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:30,010 Oh, yay. 96 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,380 * Men. 97 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,815 End of an era, huh, Charlie? 98 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,216 Yep. 99 00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:39,987 From now on, no brother, no nephew. 100 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,555 Just the sounds of the ocean 101 00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:44,292 punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes 102 00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:48,128 lying about the enormity of my sexual organ. 103 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,698 You do know how to paint a picture. 104 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,434 What can I say-- I have the heart of a poet. 105 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:57,004 Unfortunately, the rest of you is a drunken scumbag. 106 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,339 Cheers. 107 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:04,945 Ah. Ah. 108 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,581 ALAN: Hello? 109 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:12,152 Don't move, don't breathe. 110 00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:14,788 Charlie? Berta? 111 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,457 Oh, there you are. 112 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,728 Um, listen, 113 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:23,030 I know I said it was a one time thing with Melissa, 114 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:26,900 but she called and wanted to see me and I just couldn't say no. 115 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,268 So she's coming here? 116 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,570 This is where I live. 117 00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,439 You know, as far as she's concerned. 118 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,007 Could you excuse me for a minute? 119 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,208 Take your time. 120 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,077 Thank you. 121 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,547 Come, let's talk. 122 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:43,183 Okay... Are you insane?! 123 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,618 Have you lost your mind?! 124 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:45,753 I know, I know it's crazy. 125 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,321 I know my future is with Lyndsey, 126 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,956 but I have so much chemistry with Melissa. 127 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,324 You can't keep this up! 128 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,892 Don't I know it. Last time I was with Melissa, 129 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,627 I had to fake an orgasm with Lyndsey. 130 00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:54,695 What?! 131 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,330 How does a man fake an orgasm? 132 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,031 (erotic moaning) 133 00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,199 Ah! Ah! Ah...! 134 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,168 I get it. I get it. I get it. 135 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,536 (yelling) 136 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,505 Please. Please, I'm begging you. 137 00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:07,074 (doorbell rings) Oh. 138 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,342 Okay, that's Melissa. 139 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,843 No, Alan, this ends now. 140 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,211 I swear, last time. 141 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,145 Oh, you got any Viagra? 142 00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:12,913 What?! 143 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,515 Not for now-- 144 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,317 for when I go home to Lyndsey, so I don't to, you know, 145 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,719 (yelling) 146 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,459 God, I missed you. I missed you, too. 147 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:26,927 Hey, Charlie. 148 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,429 Hey. 149 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,765 I know a guy. 150 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,835 Ten grand, you'll never have to see Zippy again. 151 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,269 Ten grand? 152 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,974 Actually he charges $500, but there's a finders fee. 153 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,543 * Men. 154 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,778 Alan, dinner's on the table. 155 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,279 Coming. 156 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,482 You're a great cook, Mrs. MacElroy. 157 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,684 Jake, I told you, call me Lyndsey. 158 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:51,485 Yes, ma'am. 159 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,554 You are such a sweetie. 160 00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:55,823 You could learn something from him. 161 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,624 Suck up. 162 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,159 Suck up with a drumstick. 163 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,261 Hey, I noticed this old pipe on the mantle. It's a beauty. 164 00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,963 Oh, it was my grandfather's. 165 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,833 Oh, wow. They don't make 'em like this anymore. 166 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,568 (as Bing Crosby): Hello, boys. 167 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,102 How about a little orange juice with your dinner? 168 00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,271 * Ba-ba-ba-bom. 169 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,106 Is he high? 170 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,508 I wish. 171 00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,909 I love a man with a pipe. 172 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,579 You should get some tobacco for it. 173 00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,081 Your dad's gonna smoke a dead guy's pipe. 174 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,916 Yeah, well, at least he didn't get hair plugs 175 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,785 and ralph on my babysitter like your dad. 176 00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,687 Ow! 177 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:27,621 Ow! 178 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,322 Now boys, behave yourselves, 179 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,826 or I'll pull out my ba-ba-ba-belt. 180 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,595 Alan, sit down. 181 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,063 White meat or dark meat? 182 00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,866 I'll take a... * Ba-ba-ba-breast. 183 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,568 Is that supposed to be somebody? 184 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,802 (normal voice): It's Bing Crosby. 185 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,504 Oh. 186 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,507 Who? 187 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,175 Bing Crosby. The black guy with the sweater. 188 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,577 He used to have a TV show. 189 00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:52,713 That's Will Smith, dumbass. 190 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:55,916 * Men. 191 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,885 (doorbell rings) 192 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:08,261 Huh. That's weird. 193 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,230 (doorbell rings) 194 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,833 What the hell? 195 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,806 Hey, Charlie. 196 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,908 Oh, boy. 197 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:24,478 Isn't this nice-- eating together as a family? 198 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,814 (as Bing Crosby): It certainly is, Mother. 199 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,349 Maybe afterwards we can gather around the fireside 200 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,051 and sing a song or two. 201 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,022 Seriously, Alan, that's not funny anymore. 202 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,825 And don't call me "Mother." 203 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,793 (normal voice): Sorry. 204 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,729 ("Up, Up and Away" ringtone playing) 205 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,398 And in this house, we don't talk on the phone during dinner. 206 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,900 Oh, right, yeah. 207 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:50,037 Terrific rule, but, uh, but I just have to take this. 208 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,808 Hey, Charlie, what's up? 209 00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:58,812 Oh... Oh, she's there now? 210 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,214 Well, what do you want me to do? 211 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,852 We're all going to die, Charlie. 212 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:08,522 No, no, no, don't send her over here! 213 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,290 No, I'll be right there. 214 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,125 Just give me a minute. 215 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,831 Okay, let me tell you something. 216 00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,900 This is now my house, too. 217 00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,035 If I want to talk on the phone, I'm gonna talk on the phone. 218 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,204 What's wrong with you? Don't you nag me, woman. 219 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,239 Where are you going? 220 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,409 I'm going to take a drive and cool off... 221 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:31,044 Mother. 222 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,750 * Men. 223 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,786 Here you go. Thanks. 224 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,921 Doesn't Alan usually come home right after work? 225 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,155 Usually. 226 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,124 Hope he didn't get into an accident. 227 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,859 Nah, I'm not that lucky. 228 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,228 How can you say that? 229 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:49,797 I'm just stating a fact. 230 00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:52,132 Charlie, I'm home from work. 231 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:52,966 Melissa? 232 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,234 What the heck. 233 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,771 I wanted to surprise you, but you were so late, 234 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:58,939 we started to worry. 235 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,208 She's using the royal "we." 236 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,744 I would have been home earlier, 237 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,246 but we had, uh, a situation at the office. 238 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,414 Oh, no. 239 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,182 What happened? 240 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:15,856 Um, well, I, uh, uh, lost a patient. 241 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,091 Oh, my God, someone died? 242 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:18,992 Oh, no, no, no. 243 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,394 Uh, not, you know, lost like died. 244 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,564 Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced. 245 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,566 Oh, thank goodness. 246 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,235 Yeah. CHARLIE: Hey, Alan? 247 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,202 Yeah? 248 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,071 I'm just wondering-- 249 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:34,875 how does a chiropractor misplace a patient? 250 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,546 Good question. 251 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:40,914 I thought so. 252 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,753 Well, uh, uh, he's an elderly fellow 253 00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:49,089 who in addition to scoliosis, 254 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:52,159 uh, also has dementia. 255 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:55,629 So I-I just spent the last hour and a half 256 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,397 driving up and down Ventura Boulevard 257 00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,600 looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched over 80-year-old man. 258 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,804 Found quite a few. 259 00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:07,374 But none of them were mine. 260 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,342 So he's still out there? 261 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,647 Yeah. 262 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,650 Did you call the police? 263 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,587 Yes, Charlie, I did. 264 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,023 What did they say? 265 00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:27,060 They thanked me for my help, 266 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,628 and, uh, told me to go home 267 00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,463 and let them do their job. 268 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,565 So, uh, so here I am-- home. 269 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,401 Better late than never. 270 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,537 Oh, please, you've never given never a chance. 271 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:38,939 Do you mind? 272 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,908 Actually I do. I thought I made that clear. 273 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,142 All right, all right. 274 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,577 Melissa, we can't do this anymore. 275 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,646 I agree. You do? 276 00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:49,549 Yes. I think I should move in here with you. 277 00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:50,383 Here? 278 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,752 Here? 279 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,454 Why don't we talk about it after we make love. 280 00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:55,923 Uh, okay. 281 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,327 It could work. 282 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,196 * Men. 283 00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:05,598 * Men. 284 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,067 (both moan) 285 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,136 Okay, I'm just gonna go home and get some things. 286 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,637 I'll be back in a little while. 287 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,806 Great. (chuckles) 288 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,512 That's really getting annoying. 289 00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,514 Do me a favor, talk me through this. 290 00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,383 Excuse me? 291 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,752 What's your strategy? 292 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:27,320 'Splain it to me, Lucy! 293 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:31,224 Okay, admittedly, I may have overplayed my hand a little. 294 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,459 A little? 295 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,528 You're living with Lyndsey and you asked Melissa 296 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,098 to move in here! 297 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:39,299 Yeah, I got to work on that. 298 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,001 So, listen, 299 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:44,304 when Melissa comes back, make some sort of excuse. Uh... 300 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,173 Oh, what, you mean like "I was cruising Ventura Boulevard 301 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,441 for an old, shirtless hunchback"? 302 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,610 Yeah, not my finest moment. 303 00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,579 You're experienced at that kind of thing. 304 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,581 No, no, I'm experienced at promiscuity. 305 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,016 This is polygamy. 306 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,952 And frankly, I find it extremely distasteful. 307 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,321 Oh, oh, this you find distasteful? 308 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,657 The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude 309 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:08,095 finds this distasteful? 310 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,030 That was a misunderstanding. 311 00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:10,697 Mmm. 312 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:11,865 I had no idea 313 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,633 it was an endangered species. 314 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,703 Well, nothing I'm doing requires a ten-day quarantine 315 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,205 and a series of rabies shots. 316 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,208 Oh. Hello. 317 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,110 Oh, Mom, thank God you're here. 318 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,478 Your sarcasm is unappreciated, Charlie. 319 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,614 No, no, really. You got to talk to Alan 320 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,682 and tell him not to screw up this thing with Lyndsey. 321 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,484 Who's Lyndsey? My girlfriend. 322 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,920 You have a girlfriend? 323 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,154 He moved in with her. 324 00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,523 You moved in with a girlfriend? 325 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,758 Yeah, and he's cheating on her with his ex-girlfriend, 326 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,161 and he invited that one to move in here. 327 00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:43,196 When were you planning to tell me all this? 328 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:44,932 We're telling you now. 329 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:45,966 So as usual, 330 00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,300 I'm the last to know. 331 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,735 Mom, Mom, focus. 332 00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,203 He moved out. 333 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,572 After seven years of putting up with him and his kid, 334 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,808 he finally moved out. 335 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,676 So Jake is gone, too? 336 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,278 No one thought to call me. 337 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,981 Okay, as usual, you're just useless. 338 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,185 Alan, this can't go on any longer. 339 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:07,054 You have to choose between Lyndsey and Melissa, 340 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,688 and you have to choose now. 341 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,624 You're right, you're right. 342 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:14,027 What to do? 343 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,196 When did he start smoking a pipe? 344 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,398 I don't know. This is new. 345 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,567 (cell phone chimes) That's probably Lyndsey. 346 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,734 Which one is Lyndsey? 347 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:22,903 The one he moved in with. 348 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:23,904 What's wrong with her? 349 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:26,539 Single mom, teenage son. 350 00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:27,774 So desperate? 351 00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:31,244 Like a goldfish in a leaky bag. 352 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,479 Oh, my God. 353 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:35,983 (chuckles): Lyndsey is apologizing to me. 354 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,450 Says she was wrong. 355 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,551 About what? 356 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,088 What difference does it make? 357 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,756 I won an argument with a woman. 358 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,960 Which is why she's the gal for you. 359 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:47,895 Go to her. 360 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,629 Love her, cherish her. 361 00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,098 I don't know. 362 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,867 Okay, then take her for granted and treat her like crap 363 00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,702 until she hangs herself, but go! 364 00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,704 What about Melissa? 365 00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:58,872 You have to break that off. 366 00:13:58,939 --> 00:13:59,973 You're right, you're right. 367 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,741 I have to step up and be a man. 368 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:02,943 What are you doing? 369 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,945 I'm telling Melissa it's over. 370 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,547 With a text? 371 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:11,151 Well, I'm putting a little sad face at the end. 372 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:17,925 All right, well, uh, guess it's time to go home 373 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,226 and come clean with Lyndsey. 374 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,928 No, no, no. No coming clean. 375 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,297 Unless you're banging Mr. Bubble. 376 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,501 But I-I don't want to build our new life together 377 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:29,602 on a foundation of lies. 378 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,271 Oh, yes, you do. 379 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,174 Listen to your mother. 380 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,676 Trust me. 381 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,846 No good ever comes from revealing an indiscretion. 382 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:40,981 And you know this how? 383 00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,016 I'd rather not say. 384 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,618 Wait, so you're saying when you were married... 385 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:49,022 Whoa, whoa, when did everything become about me? 386 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,423 When we were born. 387 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,092 Hey, don't get me started on that. 388 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,962 My episiotomy still itches. 389 00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:02,035 My point, Alan, is, it is not fair to ease your conscience 390 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,437 by dumping your sins on the woman you love. 391 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,073 Yeah, Alan, don't be selfish. 392 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,074 (cell phone chimes) 393 00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:10,210 (groans) What now? 394 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,078 Oh. 395 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,780 Melissa's not taking it well. 396 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:17,350 "I hate you, you stupid cork soaker"? 397 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,786 Auto spell check. 398 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,455 Anyway... I got to go. 399 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,191 Bye, Mom. 400 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:27,827 (sighs) 401 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:30,063 Okay, we dodged a bullet. 402 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,631 Yep. So now that he's gone, 403 00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,800 what are you gonna do with that empty room? 404 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,702 Uh, why do you ask? 405 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,371 I was just thinking, it might be nice to spend 406 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,573 the occasional weekend here on the beach. 407 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,446 Oh, darling, you should see your face. 408 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,481 (laughs) 409 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,917 * Men. 410 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,552 Hey. 411 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,521 Oh, thank God you're back. 412 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,156 Sorry I stormed off like that. 413 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,758 No, no, you had every right. 414 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,394 I'm sorry I treated you like you were some kind of houseguest. 415 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,396 That's okay, I'm used to it. 416 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,266 Seven years with Charlie, a dozen years with Judith 417 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,135 and all that time with my mom. 418 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,603 Well, from now on, this house is your home. 419 00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,939 And if you want to talk on the phone during dinner, 420 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,474 you just go right ahead and do it. 421 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,975 Really? 422 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,711 Can I hang my chiropractor of the year plaque on the wall? 423 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:19,846 Of course. 424 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:20,847 In the living room? 425 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,182 Wherever you want. 426 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,251 Charlie made me hang it in my bathroom. 427 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,053 Well, I'm not Charlie. 428 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,255 And I'm proud you're chiropractor of the year. 429 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,524 Oh, oh, not this year, uh, 2002. 430 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,261 After that, they tightened up the voting rules. 431 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:38,031 So, uh, what about acidophilus milk? 432 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,199 What about it? 433 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,201 I like it. Then we'll get it. 434 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:42,869 And I can keep it in the refrigerator? 435 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,237 Where else would you keep it? 436 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,239 Charlie made me keep all my dairy products 437 00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,475 in an ice chest in the garage. 438 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,709 That's terrible. 439 00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,544 I lost so much cheese. 440 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,347 Oh, honey. 441 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,249 Well, this is your home now. 442 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,518 And you can put your cheese wherever you want. 443 00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,288 Can I sing show tunes in the shower? 444 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,955 Charlie didn't let you sing show tunes? 445 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,391 No, that was my mother. 446 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,393 Said I was effeminate enough already. 447 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:10,430 Well, as far as I'm concerned, you are all man. 448 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,031 Oh, Lyndsey. 449 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,366 You're too good to me. 450 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,568 Oh, it's only what you deserve. 451 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,603 (chuckles) 452 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,906 Okay, I-I can't live with this guilt. 453 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,574 I have to confess something. 454 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:22,008 What? 455 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,543 Okay. 456 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,446 Uh, a few days ago, I-I ran into an ex-girlfriend, 457 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,281 who I had a lot of chemistry with. 458 00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,649 And you had sex with her. 459 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,084 Let me finish. 460 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,222 No. 461 00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:40,260 I-I did not have sex with her. 462 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:41,928 Then why do you feel guilty? 463 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:45,498 Uh, well, after I ran into her, 464 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:49,369 I, uh, uh, I-I found myself, 465 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:53,039 uh, fantasizing a-about her. 466 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,007 Fantasizing? That's it? 467 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,476 That's it. 468 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,711 Uh, and nothing crazy, just straight missionary. 469 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:02,715 Sweetie, we all fantasize. 470 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,618 Every time I go to the car wash, I imagine myself 471 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,788 being bent over a soapy BMW by a man with calloused hands 472 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:09,989 and no green card. 473 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,224 Really? 474 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:12,225 Every time? 475 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,661 It's not always a BMW. 476 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,028 Come on, let's go to bed. 477 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,665 (chuckles): Sí, señorita. 478 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:19,799 Don't ruin it. 479 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,510 * Men. 480 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,512 (doorbell rings) 481 00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:38,685 Oh, crap. 482 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,657 Where is he? I don't know. 483 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,160 I'm gonna give you one last chance. 484 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,528 Where is he? 485 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,830 I'm sorry. I don't... 486 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,599 (screams) 487 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,834 (gasping) 488 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,306 (groaning) 489 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,908 What's going on? 490 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,877 She kneed me in the nuts. 491 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,145 What'd you do to her? 492 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:07,414 Nothing. 493 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,681 What'd he do to you? 494 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,750 He won't tell me where his brother is. 495 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:11,618 I can't. 496 00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:12,952 I'm not a rat. 497 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,622 What are you going to do to Alan when you find him? 498 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,757 Oh, same thing I did to Charlie, but worse. 499 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:18,925 He's at Lyndsey's. 500 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,328 1182 Bonnie Meadow Drive. 501 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,797 Sherman Oaks, big blue house. 502 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,666 Uh-oh. 503 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,034 (groans) 504 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,470 (retching) 505 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,840 I'm sorry, Charlie. 506 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,676 (groaning) 507 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:38,878 Oh, stop whining. 508 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,748 On some level, I'm sure you had it coming. 509 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,286 * Men. 510 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,820 So I was thinking of 511 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,056 turning that little storage room into a den. 512 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,024 You know, kind of a man cave. 513 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,860 Whatever you want, sweetie. 514 00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,194 Really? Mm-hmm. 515 00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:58,365 So I can get a flat screen, maybe a wet bar? 516 00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:01,301 If that's what it takes to make you happy here. 517 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,903 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. 518 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,638 Enough talking. 519 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,874 Let's make love in our home. 520 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,909 Oh, yes, our home. 521 00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:10,910 (both chuckle) 522 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,546 (both moaning) 523 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,984 Do you smell something burning? 524 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,986 * Men. 525 00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:22,989 Here you go. 526 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,191 Thank you. 527 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,759 How are you feeling? 528 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:30,697 I think she punched my right nut up into my rib cage. 529 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,164 Poor baby. 530 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,033 You want Mommy to take a look? 531 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,502 No, thanks. 532 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,804 I have seen them before. 533 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,171 I know. 534 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,309 I imagine they're hanging a lot lower now. 535 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,145 Right back at ya, Mom. 536 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,616 Touché, darling. 537 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,528 You will never guess what happened.