1 00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,037 * Men. 2 00:00:03,104 --> 00:00:05,106 (heavy breathing) 3 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,644 Sorry. 4 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,782 It's okay, Alan. 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,985 I don't have to have an orgasm every time we make love. 6 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,453 I did my best. 7 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,322 It's just that my sinuses are a little blocked 8 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,057 and I needed my mouth for breathing. 9 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,459 Don't worry about it. You were great. 10 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:26,427 "A" for effort. 11 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,196 Yeah, but on my report card 12 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,531 it's still going to say "incomplete." 13 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:31,465 Don't dwell on that. 14 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,034 Let's just enjoy being together. 15 00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,869 I am enjoying it. 16 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,071 Ooh, thirsty. 17 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,073 I need to tell you something. 18 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,441 Uh-huh. 19 00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,311 I think I love you, Alan Harper. 20 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,445 (gasps) 21 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:45,879 (coughs) 22 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,748 Did it go down the wrong way? 23 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,984 Yeah, that seems to be the theme of the evening. 24 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,421 (coughs) 25 00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:56,624 Are you going to leave me hanging? 26 00:00:56,690 --> 00:01:00,161 You said it was okay. You told me to stop. 27 00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:01,995 You know what I mean. 28 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,831 I just told you I love you. 29 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,199 Oh, oh, that. 30 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,868 Oh, well, you know, it goes without saying 31 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,037 that I feel the same way. 32 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,639 Then say it. 33 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,341 (scoffs) Okay. 34 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,209 (high-pitched): I love you, Lyndsey. 35 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,346 Why? 36 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,682 Why? 37 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,317 What do you love about me? 38 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,886 Oh, well, what's not to love? 39 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:30,224 You know, you're-you're beautiful and-and-and 40 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:34,094 strong and smart and sexy. 41 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,330 Uh-huh. 42 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,133 Uh, confident, 43 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:43,103 um, loyal, thrifty. 44 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,540 Clean. 45 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,276 Yeah? 46 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,411 Persistent. 47 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,980 Well, why do you love me? 48 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,349 I don't know, I just do. 49 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,718 That's not fair. 50 00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,420 Why did I get the essay question? 51 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,191 I think you should move in. 52 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,458 (choking) 53 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,829 You want me to move in here? 54 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:09,897 Why not? 55 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,098 We love each other. 56 00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,201 Plus, our sons get along. 57 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:15,135 They can walk to school from here, 58 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,570 Jake's mom lives just down the street, 59 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,706 and there's plenty of room for him on weekends. 60 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:21,409 Sounds like you've been giving this a lot of thought. 61 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,443 I have. 62 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,445 Is that why I got an incomplete, 63 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,846 'cause you were distracted? 64 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,381 No. 65 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,483 Oh. 66 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,186 Can you think of any reasons why we shouldn't live together? 67 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:35,289 Uh, no, not off the top of my head. 68 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,691 Which you were staring at for quite a while. 69 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:40,694 (nervous chuckle) 70 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,432 Look, I don't want to back you into a corner. 71 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,066 Why don't you think about it. 72 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:49,136 Yeah, yeah, why don't I sit with it for a day or two. 73 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,171 And you can think about why you love me. 74 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,407 Okay. 75 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,376 Mm. 76 00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:58,712 Oh, I guess I should be getting home soon. 77 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,014 If you lived here, you'd be home already. 78 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:02,716 That's true. 79 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,353 That's funny-- I always see those signs on the freeway, 80 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,455 "If you lived here, you'd be home already." 81 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,089 And, you know, I can't help but think, 82 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,792 if I lived there, I'd have a big sign outside my window 83 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,695 ruining my perfectly good view of the freeway. 84 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:17,030 And if you lived next to the freeway, 85 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,400 you wouldn't be getting this. 86 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,270 Mmm, mmm, hang on. 87 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,137 Let's just wet the ol' whistle. 88 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:27,508 My mouth. I'm talking about mouth. 89 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:30,444 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 90 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,414 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 91 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,049 * Men. 92 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,618 Yeah, hi. 93 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,921 I'm watching your commercial, Cash for Gold, 94 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,690 and you just showed a woman 95 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,459 selling her wedding ring for $500. 96 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,295 No, I don't want to sell gold. 97 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:49,062 I want to meet that woman. 98 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,631 She's hot 99 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,933 and we know her marriage isn't working out. 100 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,234 Hey. 101 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,969 Call you back. 102 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,874 You got any gold in your teeth? 103 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,243 A little. Why? 104 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,346 Just thinking. 105 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,883 Lyndsey told me she loves me tonight. 106 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,018 Really? What'd you say? 107 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,855 What could I say? "I love you, too." 108 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,256 Do you love her? 109 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,725 Yeah, sure. 110 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,327 What's not to love? 111 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:20,561 Oh, I don't know. 112 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:24,832 Her mood swings, her idiot teenage son 113 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,567 and the fact that you need a muscle relaxer, 114 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,370 a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off. 115 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:35,008 Hey, I told you about that in confidence. 116 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,878 Who else is here? 117 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,115 The same two people know. 118 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,686 All right, well, let's keep it that way. 119 00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:48,722 She also said she wants me to move in with her. 120 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:52,660 Is that forever or just till you get her off? 121 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,562 Charlie... 122 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,296 You're right, you're right, you're right, 123 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,931 that's a distinction without a difference. 124 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,767 Are you listening to me? 125 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,902 Lyndsey said she wants me to move out of here 126 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,203 and in with her. 127 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,806 Oh, you were serious. 128 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,476 Well, that's great. Congratulations. 129 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,977 When are you leaving? 130 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,112 I don't know. 131 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,881 I told her I'd think about it. 132 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,349 What's to think about? 133 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,150 She's a terrific gal and she can make you happy. 134 00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:18,786 But you just said... 135 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,088 Oh, please, that was just me crackin' wise. 136 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,958 Everybody's got a little baggage. 137 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:28,462 I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. 138 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,401 You, you're cheap, annoying and no one likes you. 139 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,002 Lyndsey likes me. 140 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,538 Which is why you should move in with her. 141 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,940 But this is my home, I'm comfortable here. 142 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,476 No, no, no, no, this is my home... 143 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:47,014 ...and before you moved into it, I was comfortable here. 144 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,884 Now, now, you always say that, but you don't mean it. 145 00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,352 Yes, I do. 146 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,588 Why won't you ever believe me? 147 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,690 Come on, after all these years, 148 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,559 you're saying you wouldn't miss me if I was gone? 149 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:02,362 I'm saying I'd very much like the chance to find out. 150 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:05,198 Please, Alan, give me that chance. 151 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,967 No, I don't think so. 152 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,869 My relationship with Lyndsey is fine the way it is. 153 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,472 I can come and go as I please, I have my own space... 154 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:14,007 No, no, no, no, no, you have my space. 155 00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:17,511 Also a distinction without a difference. 156 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,780 So that's it? You're not leaving? 157 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,315 Like I said, I'm comfortable here. 158 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,518 Comfortable, huh? 159 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:27,855 Okay, my path is clear. 160 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:31,992 Oh. 161 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,529 I can grow tomatoes upside down. 162 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,899 * Men. 163 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:45,439 (knocking on door) 164 00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,241 Hey, you awake? 165 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,278 No, I can keep going. 166 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,446 Alan. Alan. 167 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,015 Oh, hi. 168 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,416 What's up? 169 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,384 I need a favor. 170 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,086 Okay, sure. What is it? 171 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,153 I got this girl upstairs 172 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,355 and I need you to take care of her bird. 173 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,125 Okay, when you say "bird," 174 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,461 what exactly is it you're referring to? 175 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,630 Get your mind out of the gutter. 176 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,500 Her bird. 177 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,068 Here. 178 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,937 Guess what his name is. 179 00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,372 Mothra? 180 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,574 Larry. 181 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,109 Larry Bird? 182 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,045 Get it? 183 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,446 Chick's from Boston. 184 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:27,948 Anyway, I'd put him in the living room, 185 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,483 but Larry didn't like to be alone. 186 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:32,452 Oh. Okay, I guess. 187 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,921 Thanks. 188 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,289 Oh, yeah, don't put your hands near his face. 189 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:37,591 And if you get up to pee, 190 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,026 make sure you close the bathroom door. 191 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,528 Why? 192 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,462 I don't know, he's got this thing about penises. 193 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,031 He thinks they're big worms. 194 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,935 Or L.A. Lakers. Good night. 195 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,206 Good night. 196 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,686 (squawks) Spank me! 197 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,455 What? 198 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:11,659 I'm a bad girl, spank me! 199 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:14,762 Oh, for God's sake. 200 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,997 Too big, too big. 201 00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:19,767 All right, all right, Larry, go to sleep. 202 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,035 That's it, baby. Oh, yeah. 203 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,771 You're the best. 204 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,349 (urinating) 205 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,652 (squawking) 206 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:39,820 (Alan screams) 207 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,422 Not a worm! Not a worm! 208 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,158 * Men. 209 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:46,126 (laughing) 210 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,661 And let me tell ya, 211 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,697 it wasn't easy finding a hooker with a big bird. 212 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,033 Snakes, no problem. They all got snakes. 213 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,603 Shh, shh, shh, here he comes. 214 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,745 Thanks again for watching Larry. 215 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,983 I'd say bite me, but that's been taken care of. 216 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,355 Hey, I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable, 217 00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,659 but from time to time, I do entertain women in this house. 218 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:22,529 That thing tried to re-circumcise me. 219 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:25,999 Maybe that's why they call it a cockatoo. 220 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,771 I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work. 221 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,741 What ever are you talking about? 222 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,475 I tell you I'm not moving in with Lyndsey 223 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,111 'cause I'm comfortable here, and three hours later 224 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:41,148 you put a giant penis-eating parrot in my room. 225 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,818 And you think there's a connection? 226 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,855 (mocking tone): Yes, I think there's a connection. 227 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:53,126 Damn it. 228 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,728 How do you get a guy to leave your house 229 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,296 who doesn't want to go? 230 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:59,132 Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. 231 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,603 Always worked for me. 232 00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:07,140 * Men. 233 00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:13,113 CHARLIE: Hey, Alan, how are you with the jumble? 234 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,982 Charlie? 235 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,516 What are you doing in here? 236 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:20,287 Right now, the jumble. 237 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,589 O-L-C-U-D? 238 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,758 Cloud! 239 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,927 Cloud. Thank you. 240 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,929 What are you doing in my bathroom?! 241 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,832 Not much yet, but I have high hopes. 242 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,568 Come on, Charlie, this is ridiculous. 243 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,904 Oh, I'm sorry. 244 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,139 Am I making you uncomfortable? 245 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,408 Not enough to make me move in with Lyndsey. 246 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,010 Okay. 247 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,987 How about now? 248 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,058 * Men. 249 00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,727 All right, bottom line, what would it take 250 00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:01,228 to make you want to move in with Lyndsey? 251 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,131 For the last time, there is no conceivable circumstance 252 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,799 where I would entertain leaving Malibu 253 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:06,767 and moving in with Lyndsey. 254 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,168 (doorbell rings) 255 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,937 Next time you drop the soap in the shower, 256 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,940 I'm gonna forget you're my brother. 257 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,709 Jake, your father's here! 258 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,944 Hello, Alan. 259 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,545 Charlie. How's it going? 260 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,546 Great. 261 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:20,948 Did you hear Lyndsey MacElroy 262 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,482 invited Alan to move in with her? 263 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:23,483 What? 264 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,785 She lives right down the street. 265 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,186 I know. You and Alan would be neighbors. 266 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,454 Cool, huh? Now, hang on. 267 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,989 I didn't say I was gonna do it. 268 00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,623 You bet your ass you're not gonna do it. 269 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,160 I will not have my ex-husband living down the street from me. 270 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,863 So you're saying it would make you uncomfortable? 271 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:36,864 Uncomfortable? 272 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,098 It would drive me crazy. 273 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:41,668 Jake, damn it, get a move on! 274 00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,436 I'm moving in with Lyndsey. 275 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,906 * Men. 276 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,743 * Men. 277 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:50,978 How's the pizza? 278 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,045 Awesome. JAKE: Great. 279 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,914 It's a new takeout place. 280 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,282 A little more expensive, 281 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,583 but it's worth it. 282 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,419 LYNDSEY: And for dessert, we have red velvet cupcakes. 283 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,587 Oh, man, those are my favorite. 284 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,722 Hang on, Eldridge. 285 00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:06,459 Something's wrong here. 286 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,630 Are you sending us to military school? 287 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,332 No. 288 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,700 Of course not. Why would you think that? 289 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,068 I don't know. 290 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,870 16 years of bargain pizza with fake cheese 291 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,172 and Sam's Club vanilla wafers for dessert? 292 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,176 I don't want to go to military school. 293 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,178 No one's going to military school. 294 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,481 But there is, uh, something we wanted to talk to you about. 295 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,683 Here it comes. 296 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,385 Relax, it's good news. 297 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,553 Alan. 298 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,555 All right, uh, as you both know, 299 00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:38,291 uh, Lyndsey and I have been dating now for six months. 300 00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,194 Oh, man, did he knock you up? 301 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,562 No. 302 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,497 Just be quiet and listen. 303 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,299 Anyway, uh, we've both grown 304 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,335 very fond of each other during that time. 305 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,570 You are using protection, right? 306 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,572 That's none of your business, 307 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,942 but I'm glad you're paying attention in health class. 308 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,444 Uh, but what I'm trying to say 309 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,646 is that Lyndsey and I 310 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:00,580 have decided 311 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:01,849 to live together. 312 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,385 I don't think Uncle Charlie's gonna like that. 313 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,188 He's never been real pleased that you and I moved in. 314 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,490 Uh, no, no, no. 315 00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,926 We're going to live at Lyndsey's and Eldridge's house. 316 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,327 But I stay here, right? 317 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,896 No. When you're not at your mom's, 318 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,197 you'll be with us. 319 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,432 So, I'm losing my weekend beach house? 320 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:22,735 Yeah, but you're gaining a whole family. 321 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,872 I'd rather have a weekend beach house. 322 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:27,240 Do I have to share my bathroom with him? 323 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,408 Eldridge. 324 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,742 What's wrong with sharing a bathroom with me? 325 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,011 I like my privacy. 326 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,312 Yeah, we all know what that's about. 327 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,213 Jake! 328 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,082 You're Mr. Whack-a-Mole, not me. 329 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,950 Yeah, well, at least I don't watch gay porn. 330 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,119 That was a total accident! 331 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,088 I don't want to live with him. 332 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,755 Well, you don't have to worry about it, 'cause I'm not going. 333 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,191 Guys, guys, come on. No! 334 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,625 Forget it. I mean, it's bad enough 335 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,793 you're sleeping with this loser. 336 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,794 Eldridge! 337 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,096 Are you calling my dad a loser? 338 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,763 You call him a loser all the time. 339 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,299 He's my dad, I'm allowed. 340 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,634 Uh, well, Jake, technically you're not allowed. 341 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,904 Is it okay for me to call your mom what you call her? 342 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,138 What do you call me? ALAN: Okay, 343 00:13:58,205 --> 00:13:59,472 we've gotten off track here. 344 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,540 (chuckles) 345 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,909 Uh, who's ready for cupcakes? 346 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,710 Screw you and your cupcakes. 347 00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:04,912 Yeah. 348 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,119 I'll just, uh, take one for later. 349 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,890 * Happy days are here again 350 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:19,927 * The skies above are clear again * 351 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,130 * I'm getting rid of the queer again * 352 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,698 * Happy days are here again 353 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:26,633 Hey. 354 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,101 Hey there. Ho there. 355 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,136 What are you doing? 356 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,270 Just thought I'd help you 357 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,371 get a jump on the packing. 358 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:32,872 Oh, oh. 359 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,774 Well, you can unpack, 'cause I'm not leaving. 360 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,143 What? 361 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,344 No. 362 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,312 The boys just won't go along with it. 363 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,181 You're giving those two morons a vote? 364 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:42,649 It's too traumatic. 365 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,617 You know, turning their lives upside down. 366 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,553 So? Let them be traumatized. 367 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,189 That's the trouble with kids these days, not enough trauma. 368 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,690 Charlie, I'm sorry. 369 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:53,060 I know you were looking forward to having the house 370 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,995 back to yourself, but it's just not gonna happen. 371 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:57,164 Oh, it's gonna happen. 372 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,733 As God is my witness, and by all that's holy, it's gonna happen. 373 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,702 Amen. 374 00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,537 Keep packing. 375 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,980 (sighs) 376 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:15,582 He couldn't spell "miscellaneous"? 377 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,816 It's my life and my house. 378 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:17,650 I don't need your permission. 379 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,019 I don't care! 380 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,220 I'll just go live with Dad and Stephanie! 381 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,688 Oh, won't that be nice. 382 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,890 You'll be reunited with your old babysitter. 383 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,725 Excuse us. Walk. 384 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,194 Dude. Don't "dude" me. 385 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,329 I'm in no mood for "dude." Ow, ow, ow, ow. 386 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:32,265 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 387 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,302 (turns off TV) 388 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,936 Dude. 389 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,171 Don't "dude" him, dude. 390 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,473 All right, what's this I hear 391 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,442 about you guys not wanting to live together? 392 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,777 I want my privacy and... I like it here. I mean, come on... 393 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:45,912 It was a rhetorical question! 394 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,147 I don't give a rat's ass! 395 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:52,485 Now, the happiness of your parents is at stake here. 396 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,122 So we're gonna reason this out like adults, 397 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,623 in the interest of all involved. 398 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,061 Here's $500. 399 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,895 Split it up any way you want. 400 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:03,997 Nice. Whoa. 401 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,465 And that's just a down payment. 402 00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:06,966 There's extra hundred in it for every month 403 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,368 you keep my brother out of my house. 404 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,137 $100 a month? 405 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:13,340 That's, like, $1,000 a year. 406 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,075 Almost. 407 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,178 Do we have a deal? 408 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:19,679 Deal. Deal. 409 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,048 Great. 410 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:24,684 I should write a book on parenting. 411 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,521 How are we supposed to split this? 412 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:29,889 I don't know, dude. 413 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:33,760 No matter how I figure it, there's gonna be one left over. 414 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,962 * Men. 415 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,865 (piano playing "Hit The Road Jack") 416 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:42,202 * Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back * 417 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:45,305 * No more, no more, no more, no more * 418 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:49,109 * Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more. * 419 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,677 Okay, we're leaving. 420 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,212 What you say? 421 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,148 I said we're all packed and we're leaving. 422 00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,983 I know, I know. I heard you. 423 00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,186 I just never get tired of hearing it. 424 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,589 Jake, say good-bye to your uncle. 425 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,590 Bye. 426 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:06,059 Bye. 427 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,894 That's it? After all these years? 428 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,130 Um, I had a good time here. 429 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,264 Who wouldn't? 430 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,865 It's a beach house in Malibu. 431 00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,467 That's what I told him. 432 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,971 So I guess I'll see you at your high school graduation. 433 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,341 (chuckles): Good one. 434 00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:22,842 I'll meet you at Lyndsey's. 435 00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,077 Drive safe. 436 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,079 (inhales deeply) 437 00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,480 Well, here we are. 438 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,550 Final good-bye. 439 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:33,520 One can only hope. 440 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,488 Come here. 441 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:41,961 You've been a good brother. 442 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,330 You were here when I needed you, 443 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,931 and I will be forever in your debt. 444 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,401 So, it's official, you're never paying me back. 445 00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:53,273 Boy, we had some great times 446 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:54,874 in this old place. 447 00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,577 You're walking the wrong way, Alan. 448 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:58,745 (chuckles) 449 00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,713 Remember when you set us up with those two 450 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,783 hot soap opera actresses, and then we both got the flu? 451 00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:04,784 (laughs) 452 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,153 Soap opera actresses... 453 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,054 (harp plays) 454 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,656 Nope. Doesn't ring a bell. 455 00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,690 Drive carefully. 456 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,958 Oh, come on. 457 00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:14,427 Um, how about when you found me handcuffed to my bed 458 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,929 wearing a bustier and fishnet stockings? 459 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:19,532 (harp plays) 460 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,601 Sorry. Blanking on that, too. 461 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,436 Well, yeah, but-but you got to remember when we did the... 462 00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,238 Alan, Alan, Alan, let me save you some trouble. 463 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,440 My past is divided between things I can't remember 464 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,142 and things I don't want to remember. 465 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,777 And you're both. 466 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:33,813 Right. 467 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,982 Then, uh, wish me luck. 468 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,385 You don't need luck. 469 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,019 You guys were meant for each other. 470 00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:43,055 In fact, let me start you off on the right foot. 471 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,224 Here's a hundred bucks. 472 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,392 Stop by the liquor store on the way 473 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,726 to your new home, pick up a bottle 474 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:47,927 of champagne to celebrate with Lyndsey. 475 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,696 (chuckles): A hundred bucks? 476 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:52,465 For that kind of cash, I could get a very decent bottle 477 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,967 of Chardonnay and still have some walking around money. 478 00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,503 Get the champagne, Alan. 479 00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:59,005 Right. It's your money. (chuckles) 480 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,006 Exactly. 481 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,641 We end as we began. 482 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,512 All right, so, uh, I guess I'll call you. 483 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:06,513 Yeah. 484 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:07,880 Make sure you leave a message. 485 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,115 (laughs) 486 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,583 See, that's what I'm gonna miss. 487 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,420 Th-the banter, the good-natured ribbing, the... 488 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:19,826 (sighs) 489 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,896 I admit I had my doubts, Lord. 490 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:27,900 But you have delivered me unto the promised land. 491 00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,870 You're right, I should change the locks. 492 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,941 That's why you're the Lord. 493 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,279 * Men. 494 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,849 Boy, I didn't even realize they made wine in Oklahoma. 495 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,751 That'll be $8.49. 496 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:45,918 Mm. Here you are. 497 00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,987 That's a hundred-dollar bill. 498 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:50,790 You owe me $91.51. 499 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:54,861 Alan? 500 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,829 Melissa? 501 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,164 What a coincidence. 502 00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,899 Yeah! How have you been? 503 00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:00,867 Okay. You? 504 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,068 Fine. (chuckles) 505 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,002 How's Jake? 506 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,804 Oh, uh, he's good. 507 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:05,372 Charlie? 508 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,039 Ah, same old. 509 00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:08,841 (both laugh) You look great. 510 00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,109 You, too. Gorgeous. 511 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,110 Aw, thanks. 512 00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,612 (both chuckle) 513 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:13,780 I've missed you. 514 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,248 I've missed you, too. 515 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,883 So, seeing anybody? 516 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,518 Nope. You? 517 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,254 No. 518 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,596 * Men. 519 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:36,135 for you to call me out in the middle of the night like this. 520 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,870 You're doing God's work. 521 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,173 Excuse me, pardon me. 522 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,442 Alan? I'll explain later. 523 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:43,276 Hey, Charlie. 524 00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,811 Hey. 525 00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,847 Don't worry, I'm still moving in with Lyndsey. 526 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,816 This will just be my pied-à-terre. 527 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,622 Uh, that's French for "love shack." 528 00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:03,596 Okay, that's it. Let me speak to your supervisor.