1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,671 (watch beeps) 2 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:11,312 (beeping continues) 3 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,456 What the hell is that? 4 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,757 Oh, sorry. 5 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,794 I set my alarm so I could go home before Jake wakes up. 6 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,129 Turn it off! 7 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,800 I'm trying, but my arm's asleep. 8 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,605 Aah. There. Whew. 9 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,840 I can't believe you have a watch alarm. 10 00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,008 Yeah, it's a Timex. 11 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,077 Well, a really nice knockoff. 12 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,479 Even has indiglo. See? 13 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,816 Oh! Oh, for God's sake, it's 6:00 a.m. 14 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,584 Oh, I know, sorry. 15 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,553 We agreed we don't want our kids to know about us. 16 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:53,787 Yeah, yeah, good-bye. 17 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,123 Bye. 18 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,563 Guess a little morning quickie is out of the question. 19 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,799 If you can do it without waking me up. 20 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,571 You're not really thinking about it, are you? 21 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,176 * Men. * 22 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,088 Dear Lord. 23 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,390 Charlie? 24 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:30,424 Huh? 25 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,860 You okay? 26 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,862 Sure. 27 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,831 Why do you ask? 28 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,701 'Cause... you're passed out on the stairs. 29 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,537 Really? 30 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,540 (groans) 31 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,711 Oh, that's not good. 32 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,747 How much did you have to drink last night? 33 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,749 Let's see... 34 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,865 I don't know. 35 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,872 I wonder how I got my pants off over my shoes. 36 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:22,210 Maybe you took your shoes off, and then put them back on. 37 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,977 Think it through, Alan. 38 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,679 For what possible activity 39 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:28,682 would I need my pants off and my shoes on? 40 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:29,850 I don't know. 41 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,385 Chasing a reluctant hooker? 42 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,357 Can't rule it out. 43 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,393 So... where have you been? 44 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:40,994 I was with Lyndsey. 45 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,730 Who's Lyndsey? 46 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,232 Eldridge's mom. 47 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,099 Who's Eldridge? 48 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,235 Jake's friend? 49 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,870 Jake is my son. 50 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:53,341 I know who Jake is. 51 00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:57,278 What I don't know is where my pants are. 52 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,646 Excuse me. 53 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:11,659 (Charlie retching) 54 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:16,196 (garbage disposal grinding) 55 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,770 Guess who had a Cobb salad for dinner. 56 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,205 Charming. I'm, uh, I'm going to go lay down. 57 00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:28,942 You know, Jake may not be the brightest monkey in the meadow, 58 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,144 but even he's going to eventually figure out 59 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,813 that you're banging his buddy's mom. 60 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,982 Don't worry. I'll tell him when the time is right. 61 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,284 And when is that? 62 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,785 When I'm sure that Lyndsey and I 63 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,086 have built a solid relationship that will last. 64 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,821 In the meantime, 65 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,890 I don't want to complicate his friendship with Eldridge. 66 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,525 Lyndsey's son, right? 67 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,293 Right. 68 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,227 (growls): Ha! 69 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,963 Yeah. Yeah, very good. 70 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,133 The point is, I haven't said anything to Jake because 71 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,002 in a lot of ways, he's still a little boy. 72 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,672 He's not very sophisticated when it comes to adult sexual... 73 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,775 ...relationships. 74 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,484 Yours? 75 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:15,423 Alan, she's like, 16. 76 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,625 And... again I ask-- 77 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,794 hoping I won't be called to testify... 78 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,497 Yours? 79 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:26,300 No, she's coming from Jake's room. 80 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,001 Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room 81 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,102 at 7:00 in the morning? 82 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,338 Why do you think? 83 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,540 Oh, come on! He's 16! 84 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,908 Not everybody waits till they're a junior in college, Alan! 85 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:38,679 A sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready. 86 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:41,682 Well, obviously your kid's a little more advanced. 87 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,451 No. No, this is unacceptable. 88 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,654 He and I are going to have to have a little talk. 89 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,496 Maybe he can give you some tips. 90 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,065 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 91 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,868 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 92 00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:03,103 * Men. * 93 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,538 Unbelievable. 94 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,741 My little boy spent the night with two girls. 95 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,410 Two so far. 96 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,745 What? 97 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,481 We don't have a final tally. 98 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,949 There might be more clowns in that car. 99 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,785 You think? 100 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,120 At this point, anything's possible. 101 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,822 There's only one way to find out. 102 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:22,823 Hang on, hang on. 103 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:25,025 Come here. 104 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,527 Let's think this through. 105 00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:27,895 What is there to think through? 106 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,498 The possibility of my son hosting an orgy? 107 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,333 Now, not to be a stickler, 108 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:37,170 but technically an orgy requires a minimum of six participants. 109 00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:38,539 What? 110 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:41,208 It goes... masturbation, one-on-one, threesome, 111 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:42,810 two couples swinging, 112 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,513 two couples swinging with a looky-loo, orgy's six. 113 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:48,181 It frightens me that you know that. 114 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,183 Everybody knows that. 115 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,153 Well, whatever you call it, it needs to be nipped in the bud. 116 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,823 Now we're talking three girls and a guy named Bud. 117 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,827 (angry sigh) 118 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,695 What are you gonna do? Punish him? 119 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,664 Well, what do you want me to do? Give him a merit badge? 120 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,599 Well, it is quite an accomplishment. 121 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,000 This is not funny, Charlie! 122 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,301 Hey, I'm not laughing. 123 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,670 The kid's doing better than I am. 124 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,805 I woke up on the stairs alone. 125 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,475 Oh, you're up. 126 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,644 These were in the mailbox. 127 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,614 What the hell were they doing in the mailbox? 128 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,683 I don't know, but there's postage on 'em. 129 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,892 Well, I clearly had a plan of some kind. 130 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,894 What's everybody doing up so early? 131 00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,897 We just saw two girls sneaking out of Jake's room. 132 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:37,931 Two? 133 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,399 Two. 134 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,101 Taterhead had a threesome? 135 00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:44,705 We don't know that. 136 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,541 Maybe they were having an all-night study session. 137 00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,011 My God, he had a threesome. 138 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:53,747 Morning. 139 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,616 Morning. Morning. Morning. 140 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:08,996 Hungry? 141 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,163 Yep. 142 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:10,998 Thirsty? 143 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,099 Mm-hmm. 144 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,200 Proud? 145 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,802 What? 146 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:15,936 Ignore him. 147 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,405 So, what'd you wind up doing last night? 148 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:19,372 Nothin'. 149 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,408 Nothing, you say. 150 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,777 So, just an evening alone in your room. 151 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:24,444 Pretty much. 152 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:26,780 Quiet? Uneventful? 153 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,082 Boring? 154 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:30,918 I guess. 155 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,286 Nothing I have to clean up? 156 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:36,857 Nope. Wait... I did have a sandwich in bed. 157 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,592 I knew it! 158 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,395 What are you talking about? 159 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,997 We saw the girls, Jake. 160 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,934 Well, this is awkward. 161 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:51,471 Two hotties, sneaking out of your room. Up top, little stud! 162 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:52,640 Charlie! 163 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,407 This does not call for a high-five. 164 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,943 You're right. 165 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,878 It's hugging time. Come here, you dog. 166 00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,980 Stop it! Stop it! Stop it. 167 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:02,783 I want to know what those girls were doing in your room. 168 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,018 He told you: They were making a sandwich. 169 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,254 Would you please?! 170 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,989 I am waiting for an answer. 171 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,191 All right. Their names were Tiffany and Joanne, 172 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,093 and they're from my school and they're into surfing. 173 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,329 Terrific. So what were they doing in your room!? 174 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,431 Hey, chill! I'm gettin' to it. 175 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,533 Yeah, chill! 176 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,668 He's gettin' to it. 177 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,672 They were going to sleep in their car so they could hit the waves 178 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,174 as soon as the sun came up, and I said they could crash here. 179 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,175 CHARLIE: So... 180 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,743 nothing happened? 181 00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:32,312 No, we're just friends. I slept on the floor. 182 00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,347 Aww... Aww... 183 00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:35,348 This is not "Aww." 184 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,517 This is "Yay!" 185 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,620 Yay. Yay. 186 00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:42,289 So when I asked you about last night, why did you lie? 187 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,725 It's usually the simpler path. 188 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,027 And, and why didn't you ask permission 189 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,261 before asking your friends over? 190 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,396 You weren't around. 191 00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:50,764 Where were you, by the way? 192 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,536 I went to the gym. 193 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,339 A little, little cardio, uh, 194 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,041 spinning class, light weights, uh, 195 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,577 you know, I'm just into maintenance, not bulking up. 196 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,078 Don't find that attractive. 197 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,347 I prefer the lean, mean swimmer's body. 198 00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,282 You know, like... 199 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,618 Jesus. 200 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,754 Nice, Alan. Drag our Lord into it. 201 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,723 Anyway, you still could've called me. 202 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:16,824 Or-Or asked your uncle. 203 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,358 You didn't answer your phone, 204 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,527 and Uncle Charlie was busy trying to mail his pants. 205 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,129 Oh good, good, you saw that. 206 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,197 Did I happen to mention why I was doing it? 207 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,165 Nope. 208 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,834 And you didn't ask? 209 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,369 Over the years I've learned to look the other way. 210 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,138 All right, all right, let's... let's not get off-track here. 211 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,906 The important thing is that if you're gonna 212 00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,242 have company, you give one of us a heads-up. 213 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,209 Fine. 214 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,344 Oh, hey, look. 215 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,780 There's a note in my pocket. 216 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,153 "Dear Inspected By Number 94... 217 00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:49,990 "It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. 218 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:55,328 "The zipper you signed off on has snagged my ball sack. 219 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:01,234 "Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. 220 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:05,105 Sincerely yours, Charles Francis Harper." 221 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,677 Well, that explains the blood in my shorts. 222 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,647 I hope. 223 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:21,288 LYNDSEY: I've got a little surprise for you! 224 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,090 Well, I've got a-- 225 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,794 what I'm told is a perfectly adequate surprise for you. 226 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:30,363 You like? 227 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,299 Oh, yes. (chuckles) 228 00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:35,202 Your surprise has greatly enhanced my surprise. 229 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:40,941 Oh, is that whipped cream, or are you planning to shave me? 230 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,744 I mean, y'know, I'm fine either way. 231 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,645 It's whipped cream, Alan. 232 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,647 Oh, okay. Uh, fat-free? 233 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,482 'Cause I'm trying to cut down. 234 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:53,687 Relax. You're not going to be the one licking it up. 235 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,923 (whipping cream whooshing) 236 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,924 Oh! 237 00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,360 Well, bon appetit. 238 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,729 (giggles) 239 00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:02,830 (door slams) 240 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,031 ELDRIDGE: Ma! 241 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,132 Damn. 242 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,400 Eldridge! Why aren't you in school? 243 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,737 ELDRIDGE: It's a half day! Teachers' conference. 244 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,438 How come I didn't know about that? 245 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:12,773 ELDRIDGE: I don't know. 246 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,574 Jake's gonna stay for dinner, okay? 247 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:17,310 Uh... did he ask his dad? 248 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,947 JAKE: Yes, Mrs. MacElroy, he said it's fine. 249 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,548 No, he didn't, he's totally lying! 250 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,783 Shh! 251 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,952 He's been lying a lot lately. 252 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,088 Boy, you try to bring a kid up with some values. 253 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,923 Hand me a tissue, will you? 254 00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:32,625 The whipped cream's dripping into my crack. Okay. 255 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,661 Want some pie? 256 00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,696 Sure. Got any whipped cream? 257 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,767 Usually we do. 258 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,234 I don't see it. 259 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,904 Man, we go through a lot of whipped cream in this house. 260 00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:46,073 (thudding) 261 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:54,114 (dog barking) 262 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,717 Was that my dad? 263 00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,452 * Men. * 264 00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,456 * Men. * 265 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,401 Hi. 266 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,440 Hello. 267 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,944 Did you know Rottweilers are attracted 268 00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:25,245 to the scent of whipped cream? 269 00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,580 Matter of fact, I did know that. 270 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,582 Mmm. 271 00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:30,483 I just learned it. 272 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,786 Mmm. 273 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:33,954 Jake almost caught me 274 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,755 sneaking out of Lyndsey's house. 275 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,756 Really? 276 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:37,757 Close call. 277 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,226 One question. 278 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,227 Yeah? 279 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,294 Whose idea was it to 280 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,163 spice things up with a large dog? 281 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,133 The dog was not with us in bed. 282 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,600 The dog was being walked 283 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,002 by a nine-year-old girl 284 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,504 who was not quite capable of holding onto the leash 285 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,540 when he got a whiff of 286 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,476 my non-fat, dairy-scented crotch. 287 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,379 Okay. Okay. 288 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,114 I'm not judging, 289 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,617 but why was a nine-year- old girl walking her dog 290 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:05,652 through Lyndsey's bedroom? 291 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,620 No. The girl was on the street 292 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:08,755 with the dog. 293 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,890 Oh. Hmm. 294 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:10,891 All right, another question. 295 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,325 I was on the street 296 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,461 'cause I was sneaking out of Lyndsey's house. 297 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:15,896 Ah! 298 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,730 You know, for such a boring guy, 299 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,100 you lead a very complicated life. 300 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:26,073 Yeah, it's a paradox, isn't it? 301 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,342 Iced tea? 302 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,311 I decided when you try to mail your pants 303 00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:32,980 to a garment inspector in Malaysia, 304 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:35,348 it's time to quit drinking. 305 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,155 Some might say that day came and went 306 00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,557 when you gave yourself that haircut. 307 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,562 But good for you. 308 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,031 Yep. (clears throat) 309 00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:53,600 Long overdue. 310 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,537 You want a beer? 311 00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,206 I did. And I am. 312 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,474 My drinking days are over. 313 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,044 See? Beer. 314 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,348 (door slams) 315 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:09,149 JAKE: Hello? 316 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,850 Uh... uh... in here! 317 00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,920 Ixnay on the ottweiler-Ray! 318 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,254 What? 319 00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,923 The oggy-day who tried to ite-bay my alls-bay. 320 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,424 Hey, buddy! 321 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,926 I'm not your buddy. 322 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:19,927 What? 323 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,228 I just came to get my stuff. 324 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,795 I'm staying with Mom and Herb from now on. 325 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,763 Why? 326 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,098 I saw you sneaking out 327 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,333 of Eldridge's house. 328 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:29,602 Oh, Alan, no! 329 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:33,373 Are you crazy, having sex with my best friend's mom? 330 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:36,143 Shame on you! 331 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,777 I had no idea, Jake. 332 00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:39,812 I, I, I, I was gonna tell you, 333 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:40,847 you know, eventually. 334 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,682 You're such a liar. 335 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,317 Oh, oh, oh, I'm a liar? 336 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,653 What were you doing at Eldridge's in the first place? 337 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,889 You certainly didn't ask permission from me! 338 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,360 Attaboy. 339 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,362 Trying to take the high road 340 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,831 with a crotch full of whipped cream and dog spittle. 341 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,034 * Men. * 342 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,803 Ah. 343 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,639 You know, I feel a lot better since I've stopped drinking. 344 00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:12,045 Yeah, we're all proud of you. 345 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,513 I have more energy, 346 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,215 I'm certainly more clear-headed. 347 00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:16,649 In fact, the only downside is 348 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,618 I might have to put a chip clip on my johnson 349 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,954 to keep from peeing my pants. 350 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,423 I really screwed up, Charlie. 351 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,592 I should've been honest with Jake from the beginning. 352 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,360 Just told him I was seeing his friend's mother. 353 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,097 Or, you could've not slept with his friend's mother 354 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,331 in the first place. 355 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,599 Really? 356 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,002 You're going to preach sexual restraint to me? 357 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:38,138 Let me explain something to you, Alan. 358 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:40,307 Jake expects me to betray his trust. 359 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,942 You, on the other hand, are held to a higher standard. 360 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,477 Is that so? It is! 361 00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,846 You're like some kind of right-wing, 362 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,315 pro-family values senator, 363 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,150 caught on his knees in an airport toilet 364 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,851 with a male hooker. 365 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:54,421 Whereas I am a well-known rascal. 366 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,724 When I don't do the wrong thing, 367 00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:58,925 people are disappointed. 368 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,294 Is that supposed to make me feel better? 369 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,463 No, the story was about me. 370 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,532 God, you're such a narcissist. 371 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,801 You know what, I can't just sit here and do nothing. 372 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,937 I owe Jake an apology. 373 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,073 You're going to Judith's? I'll come with you. 374 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,175 Why? Why? 375 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,210 You're my brother, I want to support you. 376 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,312 Really? Nah, I'm just outta beer. 377 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,816 But I do love that you still fall for that. 378 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,786 * Men. * 379 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,955 JUDITH: Well, I hope you're proud of yourself. 380 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,191 I am. I haven't had a drink all day. 381 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,093 She was talking to me, Charlie, 382 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,394 and no, I'm not. 383 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:35,795 Okay, Millie's finally asleep. 384 00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:38,831 Ooh, is that real beer? 385 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,233 Knock yourself out. 386 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,602 Oh, thanks! I'm gonna regret this in the morning. 387 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:48,175 My God, Alan, I can't believe you're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy. 388 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,310 You're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy? 389 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,246 My man! 390 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:54,814 How could you do that? 391 00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:55,915 Yeah, how? 392 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,685 Don't leave anything out. 393 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,253 Well, it just happened. 394 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,489 Her son and Jake are friends, which is how we met, 395 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,257 and we, you know, hit it off. 396 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,959 You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother. 397 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,027 No, no. 398 00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:10,730 You marry his pediatrician. 399 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,937 He's got you there, sweetie. 400 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,073 You know, there's a rumor going around 401 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,075 that Lyndsey was in a soft-core porn movie 402 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:22,942 before she got married. 403 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,477 Really? Which one? 404 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,913 I don't know, but I've been checking Cinemax 405 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:27,980 every night for months. 406 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,649 Oh, I love their stuff. 407 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,617 It's classy, right? 408 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,585 A little story, nice lighting, 409 00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:36,123 and you never have to see the guy's junk. 410 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,624 What is wrong with you? 411 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:40,460 You don't like seeing that stuff, either. 412 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,896 I think that's enough beer, sweetheart. 413 00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:45,165 I'll get Jake. 414 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,267 There you go, pal. 415 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,402 Thanks, but you heard her. I've had enough. 416 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:54,707 Boy, oh, boy, Lyndsey MacElroy. 417 00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,042 You are one lucky ducky. 418 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,478 Yeah, she's very beautiful. 419 00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,513 You know, sometimes I drive past her house 420 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,116 and she's out watering her lawn in her shorty shorts 421 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,184 and her halter top. 422 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:05,752 Cowabunga! 423 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,021 JUDITH: No one wants to talk to him, 424 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,923 but he's your father. 425 00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,325 Oh, hey, buddy. 426 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:13,326 What do you want? 427 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,562 What I want is to apologize 428 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,797 for not telling you about me and Eldridge's mom. 429 00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,599 You know, this is between you guys. 430 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,701 I'm just gonna go take a hot shower. 431 00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,038 Eldridge doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. 432 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,941 Oh, I am so sorry. But, but this can't be the first time 433 00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:30,210 something like this has happened. 434 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,911 I mean, how many times has your Uncle Charlie 435 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,213 slept with somebody you knew? 436 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,415 Yeah, but I expect that from him. 437 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,551 See, Alan? I'm Teflon. 438 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,655 You're a perv, is what you are. 439 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,058 And it's not just that you were sleeping with her, 440 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,527 it's that you lied to me about it. 441 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:48,495 You're right. 442 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,363 I should've told you the truth. 443 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:51,964 And, and Lyndsey should've told Eldridge. 444 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:54,501 But when it happened, we didn't know if it would even last. 445 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,269 I just don't like you keeping things from me. 446 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,371 That's fair, and, and, and I'll make you a deal. 447 00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,140 From now on, I will be open and honest with you 448 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:02,342 and you'll do the same with me. 449 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,877 Deal? I guess. 450 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,379 Thanks. 451 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,215 I have to go finish my homework. 452 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,982 Okay. So, uh... I'll see you this weekend? 453 00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,117 Sure. 454 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,119 Great. (sighs) Love you, buddy. 455 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,321 Don't push it, Dad. 456 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,557 You're lucky he's so forgiving. 457 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,259 Takes after his mom, huh? 458 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,695 Um, you know, we should go. 459 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,465 I gotta pee. You mind, Judith? 460 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,234 Just try to hit the bowl this time. 461 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,403 Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking. 462 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,773 ALAN: I'll wait in the car. 463 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,242 Hey, Judith? 464 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,177 Is there surfing around here? 465 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:39,379 What are you talking about? 466 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:40,813 We're 20 miles from the beach. 467 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,315 That's what I thought. 468 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,016 I am so proud of that kid. 469 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:46,353 * Men. * 470 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:49,922 Isn't this nice? 471 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,392 The four of us sitting down, having dinner. 472 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:54,527 Open. Honest. 473 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,495 No secrets. 474 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,564 Yeah. Thrilling. 475 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:58,465 (laughs) 476 00:19:58,531 --> 00:19:59,899 So, Jake, your dad tells me 477 00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:01,468 you're getting into the surfing scene? 478 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,702 What do you mean? 479 00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:04,404 You know, uh, Tiffany and Joanne. 480 00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:05,805 Oh, yeah. Right. 481 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,240 Tiffany and Joanne surf? 482 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,343 Yes, Eldridge. They surf. 483 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,346 Charlie? Would you like some pizza? 484 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,181 No, thanks. 485 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,250 I'm kinda on a health kick. 486 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:21,087 Didn't you tell me he quit drinking? 487 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:23,323 He actually thinks he did. 488 00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,493 (cell phone rings) 489 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,261 Hello? 490 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:31,163 Oh, hey, Herb! S'up? 491 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:31,998 Really? 492 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,900 Right now? 493 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,202 Hang on. 494 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,506 (classy soft porn music plays) 495 00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:41,408 Are you sure? 496 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,909 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 497 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,711 Lyndsey? 498 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,345 Hmm? 499 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,280 Never mind. 500 00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:49,882 (whispering): You're right, it's her! 501 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,219 Okay, Herb. Thanks. 502 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,455 Great. Have a nice shower. 503 00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:01,328 (whipped cream whooshing on TV) 504 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:04,364 Boy, she sure does like the whipped cream.