(watch beeps)
(beeping continues)
What the hell is that?
Oh, sorry.
I set my alarm so I could go home before Jake wakes up.
Turn it off!
I'm trying, but my arm's asleep.
Aah. There. Whew.
I can't believe you have a watch alarm.
Yeah, it's a Timex.
Well, a really nice knockoff.
Even has indiglo. See?
Oh! Oh, for God's sake, it's 6:00 a.m.
Oh, I know, sorry.
We agreed we don't want our kids to know about us.
Yeah, yeah, good-bye.
Bye.
Guess a little morning quickie is out of the question.
If you can do it without waking me up.
You're not really thinking about it, are you?
* Men. *
Dear Lord.
Charlie?
Huh?
You okay?
Sure.
Why do you ask?
'Cause... you're passed out on the stairs.
Really?
(groans)
Oh, that's not good.
How much did you have to drink last night?
Let's see...
I don't know.
I wonder how I got my pants off over my shoes.
Maybe you took your shoes off, and then put them back on.
Think it through, Alan.
For what possible activity
would I need my pants off and my shoes on?
I don't know.
Chasing a reluctant hooker?
Can't rule it out.
So... where have you been?
I was with Lyndsey.
Who's Lyndsey?
Eldridge's mom.
Who's Eldridge?
Jake's friend?
Jake is my son.
I know who Jake is.
What I don't know is where my pants are.
Excuse me.
(Charlie retching)
(garbage disposal grinding)
Guess who had a Cobb salad for dinner.
Charming. I'm, uh, I'm going to go lay down.
You know, Jake may not be the brightest monkey in the meadow,
but even he's going to eventually figure out
that you're banging his buddy's mom.
Don't worry. I'll tell him when the time is right.
And when is that?
When I'm sure that Lyndsey and I
have built a solid relationship that will last.
In the meantime,
I don't want to complicate his friendship with Eldridge.
Lyndsey's son, right?
Right.
(growls): Ha!
Yeah. Yeah, very good.
The point is, I haven't said anything to Jake because
in a lot of ways, he's still a little boy.
He's not very sophisticated when it comes to adult sexual...
...relationships.
Yours?
Alan, she's like, 16.
And... again I ask--
hoping I won't be called to testify...
Yours?
No, she's coming from Jake's room.
Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room
at 7:00 in the morning?
Why do you think?
Oh, come on! He's 16!
Not everybody waits till they're a junior in college, Alan!
A sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready.
Well, obviously your kid's a little more advanced.
No. No, this is unacceptable.
He and I are going to have to have a little talk.
Maybe he can give you some tips.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
* Men. *
Unbelievable.
My little boy spent the night with two girls.
Two so far.
What?
We don't have a final tally.
There might be more clowns in that car.
You think?
At this point, anything's possible.
There's only one way to find out.
Hang on, hang on.
Come here.
Let's think this through.
What is there to think through?
The possibility of my son hosting an orgy?
Now, not to be a stickler,
but technically an orgy requires a minimum of six participants.
What?
It goes... masturbation, one-on-one, threesome,
two couples swinging,
two couples swinging with a looky-loo, orgy's six.
It frightens me that you know that.
Everybody knows that.
Well, whatever you call it, it needs to be nipped in the bud.
Now we're talking three girls and a guy named Bud.
(angry sigh)
What are you gonna do? Punish him?
Well, what do you want me to do? Give him a merit badge?
Well, it is quite an accomplishment.
This is not funny, Charlie!
Hey, I'm not laughing.
The kid's doing better than I am.
I woke up on the stairs alone.
Oh, you're up.
These were in the mailbox.
What the hell were they doing in the mailbox?
I don't know, but there's postage on 'em.
Well, I clearly had a plan of some kind.
What's everybody doing up so early?
We just saw two girls sneaking out of Jake's room.
Two?
Two.
Taterhead had a threesome?
We don't know that.
Maybe they were having an all-night study session.
My God, he had a threesome.
Morning.
Morning. Morning.
Hungry?
Yep.
Thirsty?
Mm-hmm.
Proud?
What?
Ignore him.
So, what'd you wind up doing last night?
Nothin'.
Nothing, you say.
So, just an evening alone in your room.
Pretty much.
Quiet? Uneventful?
Boring?
I guess.
Nothing I have to clean up?
Nope. Wait... I did have a sandwich in bed.
I knew it!
What are you talking about?
We saw the girls, Jake.
Well, this is awkward.
Two hotties, sneaking out of your room. Up top, little stud!
Charlie!
This does not call for a high-five.
You're right.
It's hugging time. Come here, you dog.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it.
I want to know what those girls were doing in your room.
He told you: They were making a sandwich.
Would you please?!
I am waiting for an answer.
All right. Their names were Tiffany and Joanne,
and they're from my school and they're into surfing.
Terrific. So what were they doing in your room!?
Hey, chill! I'm gettin' to it.
Yeah, chill!
He's gettin' to it.
They were going to sleep in their car so they could hit the waves
as soon as the sun came up, and I said they could crash here.
CHARLIE: So...
nothing happened?
No, we're just friends. I slept on the floor.
Aww... Aww...
This is not "Aww."
This is "Yay!"
Yay. Yay.
So when I asked you about last night, why did you lie?
It's usually the simpler path.
And, and why didn't you ask permission
before asking your friends over?
You weren't around.
Where were you, by the way?
I went to the gym.
A little, little cardio, uh,
spinning class, light weights, uh,
you know, I'm just into maintenance, not bulking up.
Don't find that attractive.
I prefer the lean, mean swimmer's body.
You know, like...
Jesus.
Nice, Alan. Drag our Lord into it.
Anyway, you still could've called me.
Or-Or asked your uncle.
You didn't answer your phone,
and Uncle Charlie was busy trying to mail his pants.
Oh good, good, you saw that.
Did I happen to mention why I was doing it?
Nope.
And you didn't ask?
Over the years I've learned to look the other way.
All right, all right, let's... let's not get off-track here.
The important thing is that if you're gonna
have company, you give one of us a heads-up.
Fine.
Oh, hey, look.
There's a note in my pocket.
"Dear Inspected By Number 94...
"It is with a heavy heart that I write to you.
"The zipper you signed off on has snagged my ball sack.
"Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Sincerely yours, Charles Francis Harper."
Well, that explains the blood in my shorts.
I hope.
LYNDSEY: I've got a little surprise for you!
Well, I've got a--
what I'm told is a perfectly adequate surprise for you.
You like?
Oh, yes. (chuckles)
Your surprise has greatly enhanced my surprise.
Oh, is that whipped cream, or are you planning to shave me?
I mean, y'know, I'm fine either way.
It's whipped cream, Alan.
Oh, okay. Uh, fat-free?
'Cause I'm trying to cut down.
Relax. You're not going to be the one licking it up.
(whipping cream whooshing)
Oh!
Well, bon appetit.
(giggles)
(door slams)
ELDRIDGE: Ma!
Damn.
Eldridge! Why aren't you in school?
ELDRIDGE: It's a half day! Teachers' conference.
How come I didn't know about that?
ELDRIDGE: I don't know.
Jake's gonna stay for dinner, okay?
Uh... did he ask his dad?
JAKE: Yes, Mrs. MacElroy, he said it's fine.
No, he didn't, he's totally lying!
Shh!
He's been lying a lot lately.
Boy, you try to bring a kid up with some values.
Hand me a tissue, will you?
The whipped cream's dripping into my crack. Okay.
Want some pie?
Sure. Got any whipped cream?
Usually we do.
I don't see it.
Man, we go through a lot of whipped cream in this house.
(thudding)
(dog barking)
Was that my dad?
* Men. *
Hi.
Hello.
Did you know Rottweilers are attracted
to the scent of whipped cream?
Matter of fact, I did know that.
Mmm.
I just learned it.
Mmm.
Jake almost caught me
sneaking out of Lyndsey's house.
Really?
Close call.
One question.
Yeah?
Whose idea was it to
spice things up with a large dog?
The dog was not with us in bed.
The dog was being walked
by a nine-year-old girl
who was not quite capable of holding onto the leash
when he got a whiff of
my non-fat, dairy-scented crotch.
Okay. Okay.
I'm not judging,
but why was a nine-year- old girl walking her dog
through Lyndsey's bedroom?
No. The girl was on the street
with the dog.
Oh. Hmm.
All right, another question.
I was on the street
'cause I was sneaking out of Lyndsey's house.
Ah!
You know, for such a boring guy,
you lead a very complicated life.
Yeah, it's a paradox, isn't it?
Iced tea?
I decided when you try to mail your pants
to a garment inspector in Malaysia,
it's time to quit drinking.
Some might say that day came and went
when you gave yourself that haircut.
But good for you.
Yep. (clears throat)
Long overdue.
You want a beer?
I did. And I am.
My drinking days are over.
See? Beer.
(door slams)
JAKE: Hello?
Uh... uh... in here!
Ixnay on the ottweiler-Ray!
What?
The oggy-day who tried to ite-bay my alls-bay.
Hey, buddy!
I'm not your buddy.
What?
I just came to get my stuff.
I'm staying with Mom and Herb from now on.
Why?
I saw you sneaking out
of Eldridge's house.
Oh, Alan, no!
Are you crazy, having sex with my best friend's mom?
Shame on you!
I had no idea, Jake.
I, I, I, I was gonna tell you,
you know, eventually.
You're such a liar.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm a liar?
What were you doing at Eldridge's in the first place?
You certainly didn't ask permission from me!
Attaboy.
Trying to take the high road
with a crotch full of whipped cream and dog spittle.
* Men. *
Ah.
You know, I feel a lot better since I've stopped drinking.
Yeah, we're all proud of you.
I have more energy,
I'm certainly more clear-headed.
In fact, the only downside is
I might have to put a chip clip on my johnson
to keep from peeing my pants.
I really screwed up, Charlie.
I should've been honest with Jake from the beginning.
Just told him I was seeing his friend's mother.
Or, you could've not slept with his friend's mother
in the first place.
Really?
You're going to preach sexual restraint to me?
Let me explain something to you, Alan.
Jake expects me to betray his trust.
You, on the other hand, are held to a higher standard.
Is that so? It is!
You're like some kind of right-wing,
pro-family values senator,
caught on his knees in an airport toilet
with a male hooker.
Whereas I am a well-known rascal.
When I don't do the wrong thing,
people are disappointed.
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
No, the story was about me.
God, you're such a narcissist.
You know what, I can't just sit here and do nothing.
I owe Jake an apology.
You're going to Judith's? I'll come with you.
Why? Why?
You're my brother, I want to support you.
Really? Nah, I'm just outta beer.
But I do love that you still fall for that.
* Men. *
JUDITH: Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
I am. I haven't had a drink all day.
She was talking to me, Charlie,
and no, I'm not.
Okay, Millie's finally asleep.
Ooh, is that real beer?
Knock yourself out.
Oh, thanks! I'm gonna regret this in the morning.
My God, Alan, I can't believe you're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy.
You're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy?
My man!
How could you do that?
Yeah, how?
Don't leave anything out.
Well, it just happened.
Her son and Jake are friends, which is how we met,
and we, you know, hit it off.
You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother.
No, no.
You marry his pediatrician.
He's got you there, sweetie.
You know, there's a rumor going around
that Lyndsey was in a soft-core porn movie
before she got married.
Really? Which one?
I don't know, but I've been checking Cinemax
every night for months.
Oh, I love their stuff.
It's classy, right?
A little story, nice lighting,
and you never have to see the guy's junk.
What is wrong with you?
You don't like seeing that stuff, either.
I think that's enough beer, sweetheart.
I'll get Jake.
There you go, pal.
Thanks, but you heard her. I've had enough.
Boy, oh, boy, Lyndsey MacElroy.
You are one lucky ducky.
Yeah, she's very beautiful.
You know, sometimes I drive past her house
and she's out watering her lawn in her shorty shorts
and her halter top.
Cowabunga!
JUDITH: No one wants to talk to him,
but he's your father.
Oh, hey, buddy.
What do you want?
What I want is to apologize
for not telling you about me and Eldridge's mom.
You know, this is between you guys.
I'm just gonna go take a hot shower.
Eldridge doesn't want to be friends with me anymore.
Oh, I am so sorry. But, but this can't be the first time
something like this has happened.
I mean, how many times has your Uncle Charlie
slept with somebody you knew?
Yeah, but I expect that from him.
See, Alan? I'm Teflon.
You're a perv, is what you are.
And it's not just that you were sleeping with her,
it's that you lied to me about it.
You're right.
I should've told you the truth.
And, and Lyndsey should've told Eldridge.
But when it happened, we didn't know if it would even last.
I just don't like you keeping things from me.
That's fair, and, and, and I'll make you a deal.
From now on, I will be open and honest with you
and you'll do the same with me.
Deal? I guess.
Thanks.
I have to go finish my homework.
Okay. So, uh... I'll see you this weekend?
Sure.
Great. (sighs) Love you, buddy.
Don't push it, Dad.
You're lucky he's so forgiving.
Takes after his mom, huh?
Um, you know, we should go.
I gotta pee. You mind, Judith?
Just try to hit the bowl this time.
Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking.
ALAN: I'll wait in the car.
Hey, Judith?
Is there surfing around here?
What are you talking about?
We're 20 miles from the beach.
That's what I thought.
I am so proud of that kid.
* Men. *
Isn't this nice?
The four of us sitting down, having dinner.
Open. Honest.
No secrets.
Yeah. Thrilling.
(laughs)
So, Jake, your dad tells me
you're getting into the surfing scene?
What do you mean?
You know, uh, Tiffany and Joanne.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Tiffany and Joanne surf?
Yes, Eldridge. They surf.
Charlie? Would you like some pizza?
No, thanks.
I'm kinda on a health kick.
Didn't you tell me he quit drinking?
He actually thinks he did.
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hey, Herb! S'up?
Really?
Right now?
Hang on.
(classy soft porn music plays)
Are you sure?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Lyndsey?
Hmm?
Never mind.
(whispering): You're right, it's her!
Okay, Herb. Thanks.
Great. Have a nice shower.
(whipped cream whooshing on TV)
Boy, she sure does like the whipped cream.