1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,004
* Men.

2
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,374
Man, I love
German cars.

3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,809
Well, if you keep
your nose clean and work hard,

4
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:11,445
someday you'll be able
to park them for a living.

5
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,216
Excellent.

6
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,920
Why is my ass
getting hot?

7
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,555
You turned on
the seat warmer.

8
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,023
Oh, good.

9
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:25,526
I was afraid I had
another case of swamp ass.

10
00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,428
Another case?

11
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,064
Yeah, it happens every year
around this time.

12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,533
Only thing that helps it
is aloe vera and Vaseline.

13
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,934
I see.

14
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,869
Half a tube of each,
right in the crack.

15
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:41,342
It's like squirting ketchup
and mustard into a hot dog bun.

16
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,410
Uh-huh.

17
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:45,679
Then you, like, mash
the sides together.

18
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,448
Enough.

19
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:48,849
Sorry.

20
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,017
You hungry?

21
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,419
I'm getting hungry.

22
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,988
I may never eat again.

23
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,056
Yellow light.

24
00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:57,057
I'm slowing down.

25
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,926
No, no, no,
gun it, gun it!

26
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,697
Man, this thing
is a rocket ship.

27
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,600
Okay, okay,
now you can slow down.

28
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,669
(siren whooping)

29
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,771
Should I run for it?

30
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,473
What are you, crazy?

31
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,941
Pull over.

32
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,276
You told me to
run the light.

33
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,777
My dad's
gonna kill me.

34
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,679
Calm down;
he's not gonna kill you.

35
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,748
How can I calm down?
I just got my license,

36
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:21,882
and now I'm gonna lose it!

37
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:24,618
All right, all right.

38
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:25,653
Switch places with me.

39
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:26,654
What?

40
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,622
Just do it.

41
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,859
And give me
your hat.

42
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,394
You want my lucky hat?

43
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:35,663
Yeah. I want to share
in your good fortune.

44
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,638
Evening, Officer.

45
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:48,242
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

46
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:51,412
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

47
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,348
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

48
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,450
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

49
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:59,253
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

50
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,356
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

51
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:06,194
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

52
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,635
* Men.

53
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:19,039
Hey. Where have
you guys been?

54
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,574
Van Nuys.

55
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,343
What were you doing in Van Nuys?

56
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,111
That's where the jail is.

57
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,280
What?

58
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,115
I got arrested.

59
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:29,950
You're kidding. What for?

60
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:33,287
Apparently, I ran a red
light at 64 miles an hour.

61
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,223
And I was in
the passenger seat.

62
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,492
Yes, I was driving,

63
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,461
therefore you were in
the passenger seat.

64
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,265
Anyway, it turns out

65
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,900
I had a couple of
unpaid parking tickets.

66
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,936
Seventeen.

67
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,371
Thank you.

68
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,573
They arrested you
for unpaid parking tickets?

69
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,575
Well, there was also
a bench warrant

70
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,244
when I didn't show up in court.

71
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,778
Well, how could you not
show up in court?

72
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,047
Don't they send
you a summons?

73
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,583
Lots of them,
but I threw them away.

74
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,854
I thought they were
for jury duty.

75
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,923
Long story short,
when I didn't show up,

76
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,359
they suspended my license.

77
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,395
And I was in the passenger seat.

78
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,231
So you were driving
with a suspended license?

79
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:20,534
Only for a couple of years.

80
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,170
Luckily though,
my license was fine,

81
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,972
so when they took him
to the police station,

82
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:25,839
I followed in the Mercedes.

83
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,007
By the way,

84
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,643
I reset all your radio stations
to good stuff.

85
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,012
I'd like to be alone now, Jake.

86
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,046
Understandable.

87
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:34,715
You've been through a lot.

88
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,551
By the way, if you need anyone
to drive you to the movies

89
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,820
or the mall or a strip club,
I'm available.

90
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,622
Appreciate it.

91
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,391
And you can just relax
in the passenger seat,

92
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,293
like I did earlier today.

93
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,027
Get out!

94
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,733
Listen, I am sorry
that you lost your license,

95
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,503
but I would be remiss
if I did not point out

96
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,204
what a bad example
you're setting for Jake.

97
00:03:57,271 --> 00:04:01,008
Not now, Alan.

98
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,676
That young man looks up to you.

99
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,479
And when he sees you blatantly
disregard the rules of the road,

100
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,014
he's more likely
to do it himself.

101
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,716
(sighs)

102
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,184
You're right. You're right.

103
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,686
I'm sorry.

104
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,154
Are you really?

105
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,856
Or you just saying the words?

106
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,496
Uh, don't walk away
when I am talking to you.

107
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,631
I'm gonna count
to three, Alan.

108
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,699
Oh, that's mature.
Three.

109
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,301
(punch lands)
ALAN:
Ow!

110
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,270
Where was
one and two?

111
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:31,939
(two punches land)
Ow! Ow!

112
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,808
* Men.

113
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,215
Hey.

114
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,217
Hey.

115
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,855
You know I was just trying
to show concern for my son.

116
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,189
I do.

117
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,191
And you know I was
just trying to cause

118
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,527
severe nerve damage
to your shoulder.

119
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,829
I do.

120
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,898
You know, we should maybe

121
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,900
come up with
some kind of safe word.

122
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,670
Like "pumpernickel."

123
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,271
Sure, whatever.

124
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,775
You know, until you get
your license back,

125
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,811
you can count on me to drive you
wherever you need to go.

126
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,413
Thanks.

127
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,482
Of course, during the week,
I'm working.

128
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,983
I know.

129
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,419
And, uh, and Monday nights,
I'm at the senior center.

130
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,688
What the hell are you doing
at the senior center?

131
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,390
Free pilates class.

132
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:23,391
(scoffs)

133
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,427
They don't even check IDs.

134
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,797
Uh, Tuesdays
and Thursday nights,

135
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:34,267
they have water aerobics, uh,
Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop,

136
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,471
and, uh, Friday
is movie night.

137
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,473
This week is Cocoon.

138
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,445
Again.

139
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,481
And of course on Saturday,
you know, I need to power down,

140
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,549
and, uh, Saturday night...

141
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:49,717
(knocks on table)

142
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,718
maybe a date.

143
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,319
(chuckles)

144
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:55,222
You're calling those
magazines dates now?

145
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:58,158
(laughs)

146
00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,660
(makes whoosh, pop noises)

147
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:00,728
(laughs)

148
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,296
But, hey, any other time

149
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,998
you need a ride,
I'm your man.

150
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:05,999
Wonderful.

151
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,367
Sunday is usually good.

152
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,469
Uh-huh.

153
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,471
Not this Sunday though;
I got a little thing.

154
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:13,674
I know, but what does that
have to do with Sunday?

155
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:16,644
(chuckles)

156
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,578
Cute, cute.

157
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,912
Um, you know, actually,

158
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,948
I've been meaning
to talk to you about this,

159
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,717
but, um, I was waiting
for the right time.

160
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,152
Are you...

161
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,353
(knocks on table)

162
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,455
moving out?

163
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,322
(laughs)

164
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,192
No. But that never
ceases to be amusing.

165
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:35,563
Um, anyhoo, turns out,

166
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,965
I was invited to
Chelsea's birthday party.

167
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,332
What?

168
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,935
Yeah, well, you know,
when she was living here,

169
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,104
we were friends,
and we've remained friends.

170
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,073
She invited you to
her birthday party?

171
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,207
I won't go
if you don't want me to.

172
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,375
I don't want you to.

173
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,243
Okay.

174
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,479
Asked and answered.

175
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:52,713
Done and done.

176
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:59,019
I did buy her a lovely scarf.

177
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,557
Will it support your
weight from a shower rod?

178
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:06,560
(laughs)

179
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,427
Classic.

180
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:08,796
(laughs)

181
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:12,032
Of course, it might be a little
awkward if I don't show.

182
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,100
Why is that?

183
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,568
I volunteered to bring the ice.

184
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:17,070
Is that why you've been
filling Ziploc bags

185
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,839
with my ice
cubes all week?

186
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:22,309
It's exactly the same ice
as the kind you have to pay for,

187
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,444
sans the fancy
polar bear label.

188
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,781
I'm not gonna say
this again, Alan.

189
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,117
I do not want you hanging
out with my ex-fiancée.

190
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,419
I hear you,
loud and clear.

191
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,590
It's just so rare
I get to socialize

192
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,058
with people my own age.

193
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,528
What, there's no free nooky
night at the senior center?

194
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,195
(forced chuckle)

195
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,831
(makes whoosh, bang noises)

196
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,733
(laughs)

197
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:51,104
Okay, okay, what if I just go
for cocktails and skip dinner?

198
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,541
Three?
Three.

199
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,410
* Men.

200
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,248
Alan, wake up.

201
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,249
Pumpernickel!

202
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,787
You got to go
to Chelsea's party.

203
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,822
Uh, okay.

204
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,659
If you don't go, she's gonna
know I told you not to.

205
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,460
That's possible.

206
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,128
It's a sure thing.

207
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,397
She knows you never
pass up a free meal.

208
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:18,999
That's not true.

209
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:22,536
How many birthdays have you had
at Denny's this year?

210
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,805
All right.

211
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,406
So you got to go to the party

212
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:29,076
and let her know that I'm doing
just fine without her.

213
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,043
Okay.

214
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,645
But you got to be cool about it.

215
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:32,713
You know, like in passing.

216
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,615
Sure, sure. Uh, how's this?

217
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,016
Uh, hey, Chelsea,
happy birthday.

218
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,618
Charlie's doing fine without you

219
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:40,654
and never wanders around the
house in the middle of the night

220
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:41,955
with a drink in his hand.

221
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,490
Alan.

222
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:44,958
Yeah?
You need teeth

223
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,727
to say "pumpernickel."

224
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:48,929
Got it.

225
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,266
* Men.

226
00:08:58,606 --> 00:08:59,539
Oh.

227
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,341
Alan, hi.

228
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,010
I hope I'm not
here early.

229
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,277
The, uh, the
invite said 8:00.

230
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:08,582
And, uh, 8:00 it is.

231
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,783
Come on in.

232
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,253
Who is this?

233
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,689
That's how you
greet a guest?

234
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,725
"Who is this?"

235
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,359
Okay. Who are you
and what the hell

236
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,129
you doing here
so freaking early?

237
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:26,366
This is Alan,
Charlie's brother.

238
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,534
Oh.

239
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:28,802
Alan, I'm Ed.

240
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,937
Heard a lot about you.

241
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,072
Oh, heard a lot
about you, too.

242
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:35,242
You know, uh, you being
in the Navy with Tom and, uh,

243
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:38,846
you guys keeping in touch, even
though you were both married.

244
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,481
And, uh, now you're reunited.

245
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:42,683
(chuckles)

246
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:43,751
Great song.

247
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:44,852
(chuckles)

248
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:48,588
* Reunited and feels so good.

249
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,293
So where's the birthday girl?

250
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,728
Taking a shower.

251
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,163
(groans)
Women, huh?

252
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,998
(chuckles):
Always running late.

253
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,499
Bet you don't miss that.

254
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,336
I brought the ice.

255
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,337
Oh!

256
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,939
(sighs)

257
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,141
I guess the bottom got wet.
You know how that is.

258
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,211
I mean, because, you know,
it happens to everybody,

259
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,512
not because you're gay.

260
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:16,049
(quietly): And I thought
you were exaggerating.

261
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,084
(chuckles)

262
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,353
And remember, looky, no touchy.

263
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,191
* Men.

264
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:28,762
What's that?

265
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,698
A birthday present for Chelsea.

266
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,032
But you guys broke up.

267
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:35,035
Yeah, well, I bought it
a couple of months ago.

268
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,937
Why?
'Cause I thought

269
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,238
that's when her birthday was.

270
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:43,110
Turns out, I confused it
with St. Patrick's Day.

271
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,978
Are those real diamonds?

272
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,379
Yep.

273
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:47,547
Burn.

274
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,182
What?

275
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,986
You could've saved a lot of
money with Cuban zirconium.

276
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:55,588
Cuban zirconium?

277
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,589
Yeah.

278
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,425
Yeah. The girls can't tell

279
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,993
'cause it's just
as sparkly as a diamond,

280
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:03,563
and it's cheap
'cause it's from Cuba.

281
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,135
Good Lord, you're an idiot.

282
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,337
Hey, I'm not the one
who wasted a bunch of money

283
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,539
on a bracelet for a girl
who dumped me.

284
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,007
It's not a waste.

285
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,642
I'm still going to give it
to her.

286
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,512
In fact...

287
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,749
come on, you're driving
me to Chelsea's.

288
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:24,184
Did it occur to you
that I might have plans?

289
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,819
Oh, I'm sorry.

290
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,287
Do you have plans?

291
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,422
No, but there's
a principle involved.

292
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,559
I'm just saying,
there's a right way,

293
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,894
and there's a wrong way.

294
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,695
* Men.

295
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,766
* Men.

296
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,067
You need any condoms?

297
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,034
No. Do you?

298
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,569
No. I got a buttload.

299
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,538
A buttload, huh?

300
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:48,008
You may need to read
the instructions more carefully.

301
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,343
I don't get it.

302
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,146
W-Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

303
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,883
Have you used
any of them yet?

304
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:57,017
Yeah, sure.

305
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,185
For sex?

306
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,688
Oh. Um, no.

307
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,091
For water balloons.

308
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,559
Well, keep a few
in reserve,

309
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,728
'cause you're not
really breeding stock.

310
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,631
So, what are you
looking for?

311
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:13,266
Birthday card for Chelsea.

312
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,935
Oh. Good idea.

313
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:18,605
(chuckles)
Look at this one.

314
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,240
Says, "I got you
a birthday package."

315
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,809
And on the inside,
it's a naked fat guy

316
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,977
with a hole for you
to pop your finger through.

317
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,213
Mm, no.

318
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,514
Are you sure?

319
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,817
He really likes you.

320
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,358
Here we go.

321
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,260
"Wishing you all the
dreams of your heart,

322
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,661
"all the love
in the world

323
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:42,896
"and the beautiful
day you deserve

324
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:45,165
for being so special."

325
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,400
That's not funny.

326
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,202
Not supposed to be funny.

327
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,404
Yeah, well,
mission accomplished.

328
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,440
(snorts)

329
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,741
(chuckles)
Look at this one.

330
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,243
It's an old lady
with long banana boobs

331
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,845
and a dog looking at her.

332
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,313
And on the inside, it says,
"How many were in your litter?"

333
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,315
That's not a
birthday card.

334
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,517
It could be.
Write "happy birthday" inside.

335
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,355
I need a real
birthday card.

336
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:09,990
Okay.

337
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:14,061
Here's one
with a puppy on it.

338
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,796
"For someone very special
on her birthday.

339
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,332
Each day is a beautiful
gift to enjoy."

340
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,667
That's pretty good.

341
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,735
Yeah, and then you
could cut a hole

342
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,406
and pop your pinky through
and give that dog a bone.

343
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,912
I can't help you if you're not
going to work with me.

344
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,185
I'm really glad
you came, Alan.

345
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,187
How could I not?

346
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,754
We're friends.

347
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,357
I know, but I was afraid it
might be uncomfortable for you.

348
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,227
No, no. Don't be silly.

349
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,863
So, uh, that's it?

350
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,498
No dinner? Just finger foods?

351
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,966
Sorry.

352
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,234
Oh, no, it's fine.

353
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,669
I could never have enough
prosciutto and melon.

354
00:13:56,736 --> 00:14:00,273
Oh. Hey, that'd be a good
name for a singing act.

355
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,175
Prosciutto and Melon.

356
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,743
"Ladies and gentlemen,

357
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:07,147
the song stylings of
Prosciutto and Melon."

358
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,684
There's an open mic night
at the senior center.

359
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,353
I'm going to use that.

360
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,155
Terrific.

361
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,324
So, how's he doing?

362
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,292
Who?
Alan.

363
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,627
Oh, oh, Charlie.

364
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,629
Uh, uh, he's doing fine--
just fine.

365
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,498
Good, good.

366
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,335
In fact, he told me to
tell you happy birthday.

367
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,869
Oh, that's nice.
Tell him I said thanks.

368
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:31,404
I will.

369
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,606
And I'm sure he'd say,
"You're welcome."

370
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,612
So, um, how are
you doing?

371
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,448
And it's me asking,
not Charlie.

372
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,950
Although I'm sure he'd
be interested.

373
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,784
Not that I'd tell him,
unless you want me to.

374
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,386
Do you want me to? Wait.

375
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,855
Tell me how you're doing first,
and then we can decide.

376
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,992
I'm doing fine, Alan.

377
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,826
Good, good. Oh, so is Charlie.

378
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,229
Can we change the subject?

379
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,932
You're the one
who brought it up, but sure.

380
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,739
You ever think about your
dad and Ed having sex?

381
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,311
"Happy birthday,
thinking of you."

382
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,779
(scoffs softly)

383
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,247
What's wrong with it?

384
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,984
It's, what to you call it,
redumbnent.

385
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,019
Redumbnent?

386
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:22,555
Yeah. You got her a present
and you got her a birthday card.

387
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,091
You're obviously
thinking of her.

388
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,826
So saying you're thinking
of her is redumbnent.

389
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,828
So if you act like a moron,

390
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:31,564
saying you're a moron
would be redumbnent.

391
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,133
Now you're getting it.

392
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,203
Oh, buddy, you really
shouldn't be walking around

393
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,538
without a helmet.

394
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,440
Wait here.
I'll be right back.

395
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,109
Why can't I
go with you?

396
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,278
Because I'm just
gonna give Chelsea
the bracelet and leave.

397
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,014
Bring me back
a piece of cake.

398
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,350
Corner with a flower
would be nice.

399
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,967
(door opens)

400
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,275
What the hell
are you doing?

401
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,244
Um...

402
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,112
checking for leaks?

403
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:25,085
Listen...

404
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:28,088
I need you to go up there
and give Chelsea the present.

405
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,556
Why? Did you wuss out?

406
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,392
No, no, I just don't
want to make a scene.

407
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,227
Here, wuss, wuss,
wuss, wuss.

408
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,562
Wuss, wuss, wuss...

409
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:38,398
(weakly):
wuss... wuss...

410
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,701
Just take the bracelet,
ring the doorbell,

411
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:44,271
say, "Happy birthday,
this is from Uncle Charlie,"

412
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,238
and leave.

413
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,539
Can I get a piece of cake?

414
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,275
Fine, grab a piece of cake.

415
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,943
What if they haven't
cut the cake yet?
Can I hang out?

416
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,413
No. I'm not gonna
sit here waiting for you.

417
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,248
Well, you don't
really have choice.

418
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,016
You're not
allowed to drive.

419
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,651
What are you saying?

420
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,553
Well, at the risk
of being redumbnent,

421
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,889
I'm saying I'll
be having cake.

422
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:08,995
I can't believe I'm being
blackmailed by Forrest Gump.

423
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,564
Can I tell her you're
waiting out here?

424
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,633
No! Are you nuts?

425
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,204
I was just thinking it'd
be a good way to get a
second piece of cake.

426
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,971
Get out of here!

427
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:24,043
(sigh)
Run, Forrest, run.

428
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,346
What if I meet a
cute girl up there?

429
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:27,347
Would you mind
walking home?

430
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:28,948
Jake, I swear to God,

431
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,318
do not make me
get out of this car.

432
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,721
Excuse me, let's not
forget who's doing
who a favor here.

433
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,259
Go.

434
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,194
Yes, sir.

435
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:48,067
Extra large?

436
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:52,172
Yeah, maybe if he
wears it as a lucky hat.

437
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,008
So, what about
the blonde?

438
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,477
Is she single?

439
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,446
Yeah, but she's
a little crazy.

440
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,047
Mm, not a deal breaker.

441
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:05,252
The well-adjusted ones
generally won't come near me.

442
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,386
Hey, Dad.

443
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,988
What are you doing here?

444
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,991
Uncle Charlie wanted me to give
Chelsea this birthday present.

445
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,260
Here.

446
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:14,861
So, have you cut the cake yet?

447
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,063
Uh, no.

448
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,965
We haven't even sung
"Happy Birthday" yet.

449
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,099
Oh.

450
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,434
* Happy birthday

451
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:24,771
(others joining in):
* To you

452
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,140
* Happy birthday

453
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,441
* To you

454
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:31,211
* Happy birthday

455
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:34,747
* Dear Chelsea

456
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,284
* Happy birthday

457
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,186
* To you.

458
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:42,088
WOMAN:
Yay!

459
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,023
Thank you.

460
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,458
Thank you for coming.

461
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,694
Excuse me,
I need to get some air.

462
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:53,866
Wasn't me-- I always
claim 'em, you know that.

463
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:56,303
Come on, Skipper.

464
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,408
So, where's the cake?

465
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,751
(clicks on radio)

466
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,555
(changes station)

467
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,558
(changes station)

468
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,066
Aw, geez!

469
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,303
(flask clatters)

470
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,540
(engine starts)

471
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,481
(crashing)

472
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:47,987
Oh, this is not gonna end well.

473
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,861
Charlie?

474
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:57,129
Hey, Chels.

475
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,732
Happy birthday!

476
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,270
* Men...

477
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,874
* Men...

478
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,243
Hey, did I tell you Uncle
Charlie's gonna pay me

479
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,011
to drive him back
and forth to work?

480
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,580
Oh, that's nice.

481
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,848
CHARLIE (calls):
I'm ready!

482
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,291
Yeah, I get to drive
his car twice a day

483
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,758
for three to six months,
depending on good behavior.

484
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,060
CHARLIE:
Move it, numbnuts!

485
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,496
Smart money's on six.