1 00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:03,504 * Men. 2 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:05,373 WOMAN (on TV): Bill, did you notice that girl 3 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,440 in the bikini coming down the slope? 4 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,441 MAN (on TV): I did... 5 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,776 You might want to eat something 6 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,278 so that when you throw up later, 7 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,846 it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice. 8 00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,782 Way ahead of you. 9 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,551 I call it an Egg McBourbon. 10 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:20,621 So this is your life now? 11 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,656 You just sit here miserable and alone, 12 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,724 waiting for Chelsea to call? 13 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,626 I'm not waiting for her to call. 14 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,295 I'm watching TV. Hmm. 15 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,098 And occasionally, I cry. 16 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,666 You do realize you're watching the Weather Channel? 17 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,236 WOMAN (on TV): All the way to the South East... 18 00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:36,837 (dramatic instrumental music plays on TV) 19 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:37,738 Happy? 20 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,473 Oh, yeah, The Pet Channel. 21 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:43,611 Who doesn't enjoy seeing a dog get his anal glands expressed? 22 00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,013 (phone ringing) 23 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,748 Chelsea? 24 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:48,782 (sighs) 25 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:49,817 Your ex-wife. 26 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,319 Oh. 27 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,621 Speaking of having one's anal glands expressed. 28 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,623 Hi, Judith. What's up? 29 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:57,858 Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. 30 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:58,792 That's terrible. 31 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,129 Oh. Her grandfather died. 32 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,231 He was 94. It's no big deal. 33 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:04,465 (clears throat) 34 00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,567 Well, he's in a better place now. 35 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:07,735 He has to be. 36 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,737 He lived in Sacramento. 37 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:12,573 I'm sorry. What's that? 38 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,974 You're kidding. 39 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,843 Oh. Oh, I-I... 40 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:16,977 I always loved that clock. 41 00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,347 He left me his grandfather clock. 42 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,514 Very old, worth a fortune. 43 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,550 I can sell it and buy a new car. 44 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,018 Oh, Judith, that's just tragic. 45 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,988 So, uh, when are they going to deliver the clock? 46 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,790 Oh. Yeah, yeah. 47 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,226 I guess your grandmother does have more important things 48 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:34,228 to box up now... 49 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,497 like your grandfather. 50 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,300 You're right, not funny. 51 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,335 She never got my sense of humor. 52 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,104 Uh, well, I guess I'll just drive up 53 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,006 to Sacramento and pick it up. 54 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,976 Uh, once again, my deepest sympathies. 55 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,179 Okay. 56 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,648 Score! 57 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,484 Help me out here. 58 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,320 Why would Judith's grandfather leave you a valuable antique? 59 00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,389 He liked me. I was the only one in the family 60 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,590 who would sit for hours listening 61 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:03,991 to his stupid stories about Korea. 62 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,293 He fought in Korea? 63 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,927 No, he was a sex tourist. 64 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,297 Very creepy. 65 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:12,400 You know, I always admired that clock. 66 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,302 I remember the first time I saw it, I said, 67 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:16,404 "Bill, that is a hell of a clock you got there." 68 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,638 Uh, and he was hard of hearing, 69 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,440 so that led to the Korea stories. 70 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:21,709 Oh, hey, 71 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,277 you want to drive up and get it with me? 72 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,645 Let's see. 73 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,880 Do I want to drive six hours to Sacramento 74 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,883 to pick up a dead guy's clock? 75 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,385 With me. 76 00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:34,255 Don't take this the wrong way, 77 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:37,858 but I would rather get a maple syrup enema 78 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,561 and then sit on an anthill. 79 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,766 You didn't just make that up. 80 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,836 No. No, I've actually compiled a list of things I'd rather do 81 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:52,340 than spend long periods of time with you in an enclosed space. 82 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,607 Want to hear some more? 83 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:54,475 No, thank you. 84 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,043 You sure? 'Cause I got a beauty 85 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,912 that involves hemorrhoids, a bottle brush and sea salt. 86 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,113 I get it. 87 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,114 I'll just take Jake. 88 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,550 Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. 89 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:05,553 So both you and Jake are gonna be gone? Yes. 90 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,555 Score! 91 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:13,594 * Men. 92 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,829 MAN (on TV): Here's ordinary cat litter 93 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,165 after five days of continuous use 94 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,268 by a relatively healthy cat. 95 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:23,604 Yuck! Looks bad, smells worse. 96 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,639 Now, here's Magic Pussy Litter 97 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,041 with its patented Cluster Busters... 98 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,778 That is really cool. 99 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,514 Hey. 100 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:34,448 Hey. 101 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:35,783 What you watching? 102 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:39,953 An amazing breakthrough in cat crap technology. 103 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,189 Dad says you're vegging in front of the TV 104 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,357 'cause you still miss Chelsea. 105 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:46,927 Well, he's right for a change. 106 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,896 You know, I kind of do, too. 107 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,898 Remember how she would come down in the morning, 108 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,800 and lean over to pour cereal for breakfast, 109 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,868 and you could see right down her robe? 110 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,340 Too soon? 111 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,810 What are you doing up so late? 112 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:03,911 I was hungry. 113 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,380 Want to join me for a grilled cheese sandwich? 114 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,349 Nah. Pigs in a blanket? 115 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,617 I'm all right. 116 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,419 Two ice cream sandwiches on a waffle? 117 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,020 I'll pass. 118 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,221 It's no trouble, 119 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,389 I'm making 'em anyway. 120 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,591 I'm fine. 121 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,863 You know, I really am sorry about you and Chelsea. 122 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,865 Well, thanks, buddy. 123 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,969 Her boobs are real, right? 124 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,440 Yup. 125 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:33,941 Outstanding. 126 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:38,646 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 127 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,815 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 128 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,752 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 129 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,854 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 130 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,657 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 131 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,726 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 132 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:57,064 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 133 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,871 * Men. 134 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,141 When can I drive? 135 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,210 When I get tired. 136 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:12,513 Relax, take in the scenery. 137 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,716 Okay, now what? 138 00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,050 I don't know. 139 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,787 Um... we enjoy each other's company. 140 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,989 All right. 141 00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,436 Okay, now what? 142 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,037 Oh, come on. 143 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,807 This is a golden opportunity to get to know each other 144 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,775 as more than just father and son. 145 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,411 What else are we? 146 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:47,715 We're two men on the open road, free and unencumbered. 147 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,082 Oh. 148 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,851 What's unencumbered? 149 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,686 Uh, no restraints. 150 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,555 We can do whatever we want. 151 00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,424 Okay. 152 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,925 I want to drive. 153 00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:00,327 Later. Pick something else. 154 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,799 (passes wind squeakily) 155 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,034 Oh! (laughs) 156 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,569 Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Yeah. 157 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:09,437 Oh! 158 00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,739 Oh, well, very funny. 159 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,475 Uh, so you want to go toot for toot? Well, check this out. 160 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,776 (passes wind) 161 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,478 (laughs) Wow. 162 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,112 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 163 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:22,783 That is a bran muffin and a half a grapefruit, my friend. 164 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,485 Yeah, well, this is grilled cheese sandwich, 165 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:27,354 pigs in a blanket and a waffle ice cream sandwich. 166 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:28,489 (passes wind) 167 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,157 Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? 168 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,459 Well, this is an antidepressant 169 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:32,993 and a mochaccino. 170 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,795 (passes wind) 171 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,471 Uh-oh. 172 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,873 Keep an eye out for a gas station. 173 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,777 * Men. 174 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,945 28, 29, 30. 175 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,382 Aw, hell, she ain't gonna miss one. 176 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,384 Hey, Russell. 177 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:58,919 Oh, hey, Charlie. 178 00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:00,287 You want a muscle relaxer? 179 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,722 You take one with a Viagra, 180 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,824 and you're essentially Gumby with a Pokey. 181 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,727 (laughs) 182 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:07,995 No, thanks. 183 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,430 I actually have a prescription from a doctor. 184 00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,633 Whoa. Look at you 185 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,336 following the letter and spirit of the law. 186 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:18,972 Sleeping pills. 187 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,140 Those can be fun. 188 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,942 You know, with a couple Red Bulls 189 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,545 so you don't fall asleep. 190 00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:26,379 Party is over, Russell. 191 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,748 I need to get some sleep. 192 00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:30,017 Oh. Well, then you don't want this. 193 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,218 Nope. 194 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,520 You want something organic, 195 00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,888 something created by Mother Nature. 196 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,025 What do you got in mind? Ganja. 197 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,561 You trying to sell me pot? 198 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,530 Ah, not just pot. 199 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,898 I call this Ojai So-high. 200 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,501 Two hits, and a couple of chicken burritos, 201 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,003 and it's "Goodnight, Irene." 202 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,305 Don't you need a prescription for that? 203 00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:55,075 What are you, a cop? 204 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,979 Okay, okay, but you're just driving the price up. 205 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,481 Hello. 206 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:02,916 Oh, Dr. Gollygupta. 207 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,317 Russell here. 208 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,719 Oh, hello, Russell. 209 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,487 How are they hanging? 210 00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:09,723 Twice the length of my penis, thanks for asking. 211 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,726 My friend here needs a prescription. 212 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,762 All right, uh, let me see him. 213 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:15,963 Oh, okay. 214 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,198 Charlie, I'd like you to meet Dr. Gollygupta 215 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:21,802 of the Gollygupta Hypertension and Glaucoma Clinic 216 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,270 in Sri Lanka. 217 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,639 Please to turn your head and cough. 218 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:28,241 Just turn your head... Yeah. (coughs) 219 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,577 (coughs) There you go. 220 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,144 Oh, that's no good. 221 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,683 I'll send you a prescription. 222 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:38,552 (phone ringing) 223 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,020 Excuse me. 224 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:45,458 Hello, DirecTV customer service. 225 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,561 Roger speaking. 226 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,096 (printer beeps) 227 00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,265 Oh, here it is. 228 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,267 Ah. Great news, Charlie. 229 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,803 You've got glaucoma! 230 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,606 * Men. 231 00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,774 You know, for gas station sweatpants, 232 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,877 these aren't bad. 233 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,879 I beg to differ. 234 00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:10,684 May I say that you have become a very good driver? 235 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,419 Grand Theft Auto, Dad. 236 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,288 It'd like driver's ed, but with pimps and hos. 237 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,490 Well, whatever. 238 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,128 So, uh, have you given any more thought 239 00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,430 to what you want to do after high school? 240 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,165 If this is the college talk, 241 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,867 I think we need to both be realistic. 242 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,268 Hey, hey, I know 243 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:31,839 a big university is probably out of reach for the time being, 244 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,340 but there's still junior colleges, 245 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,609 community colleges, trade schools. 246 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,911 Hmm, man, I'd like to trade schools right now 247 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,847 'cause this one's kicking my ass. 248 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,048 Come on, Jake. 249 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,683 You know what I'm talking about. 250 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,451 You have to start making plans. 251 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,019 Did you have plans when you were my age? 252 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,788 Yeah, I had big plans. 253 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:50,157 What happened to 'em? 254 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,227 Just drive. 255 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,401 My life isn't over, you know. 256 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:04,037 Okay. 257 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,073 What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. 258 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,676 Well, then, you must be like The Hulk. 259 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:12,946 Let me tell you something, young man. 260 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:16,183 Chapter two of your father's story has yet to be written. 261 00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:19,720 Is chapter one "I Crapped My Pants"? 262 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,259 * Men. 263 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,903 Is that what I think it is? 264 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,238 Yeah. I got a prescription. 265 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,741 God, I love California. 266 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,912 Just walk into a store and buy your weed. 267 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,047 No more schlepping out to Reseda 268 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:48,448 and trading a piece of tail 269 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:51,018 for a short bag of stems and seeds. 270 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,253 You're welcome to join me here. 271 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,723 No, no, not while I'm working. 272 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:56,824 All right. 273 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:59,492 Okay, I'm done working. 274 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,763 Man... 275 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:05,098 if I'd known you liked the wacky weed, 276 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,967 I wouldn't have spent the last eight years 277 00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,435 getting baked under the deck. 278 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,205 You know, when I was on break. 279 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,476 Actually, this is the first time I've touched the stuff 280 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,479 since a ZZ Top concert in '92. 281 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,949 I got so paranoid, I locked myself in a Porta Potti 282 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,683 and tried to tunnel home. 283 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,018 (laughs) 284 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,686 Well, good news. 285 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,321 Pot's a lot stronger now. 286 00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,725 What do you think? 287 00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:36,029 I've rolled better joints on the back of a motorcycle 288 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:39,132 while digging a bullet out of my boyfriend's shoulder. 289 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,969 All right, fine. 290 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,504 You try it. 291 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:47,074 Oh, man, I hope this helps me sleep. 292 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,541 I can't take another night, 293 00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:51,979 wandering around the house, thinking about Chelsea. 294 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,113 Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo. 295 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,248 Let's fire up this bad boy. 296 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,351 * Men. * 297 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,056 This is stupid. 298 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,657 We should've just left it in the car. 299 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:05,826 Well, it's very valuable, Jake. 300 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,460 I don't want to see it stolen. 301 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,661 Who steals clocks? 302 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,864 Clocktomaniacs. 303 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,470 You have your mother's sense of humor. 304 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:22,509 Okay, let's put her down real easy. 305 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,344 Okay. 306 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,379 O-kay. 307 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,580 Good. 308 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,382 So, it looks like we have a couple of hours 309 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:30,617 of daylight left. 310 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,419 How about you and I get to know our state capital? 311 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,955 You want to drive to San Francisco? 312 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,759 No, Sacramento is the capital of California. 313 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,628 I don't think so. 314 00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:42,896 Trust me. 315 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,397 Come on, got a map from the lobby 316 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,633 that shows all the places of interest in Old Sac. 317 00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,335 (chuckles) Old sac. Get it? 318 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:49,402 Oh, yeah. 319 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,604 That was much better than my joke. 320 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,108 JAKE: Look at us, a couple of nuts 321 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:57,811 hanging out in Sacramento. 322 00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,513 * Men. * 323 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,550 * Men. * 324 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,518 (both laughing) 325 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,055 Do it again. 326 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,256 Do it again. No, no. Oh, come on, please. 327 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,690 Do it again. Do it again. 328 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,926 All right, all right. Last time. All right. 329 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,928 (à la federale): Badges? 330 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,097 We don't need no stinkin' badges! 331 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,500 Okay, okay, I got one. 332 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,902 I got one. 333 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,904 (à la Karl from Sling Blade) Mm. 334 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,172 Some folks call it a sling blade. 335 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,606 I call it a kaiser blade. 336 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:29,009 Mm. (laughing) 337 00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:30,443 I like them French fried taters. 338 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:31,744 Mmm. 339 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,948 Oh, good idea. 340 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,783 Where you going? 341 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,920 To the pier to get some of them French fried taters. 342 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,321 No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 343 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:42,455 What? 344 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,624 I love you, Berta. 345 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,594 I love you, too, Charlie. 346 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,597 Give me a thousand dollars. 347 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,200 Why? 348 00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:56,303 Well, if you have to ask, you don't really love me. 349 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,140 Oh, oh, and-and pretzels! 350 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:02,142 Get some pretzels! Pretzels? 351 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,512 We don't need no stinkin' pretzels! 352 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,314 (chuckles) 353 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:11,151 Oh, man, I'm so lucky to have her in my life. 354 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:14,487 You've had a lot of wonderful women in your life. 355 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:19,026 But you always find a way to sabotage the relationship. 356 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,128 Chelsea? 357 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,163 MIA: She's right, Charlie. 358 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,665 If there's a way it can be blown, you'll blow it. 359 00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:27,500 And not in the fun way. 360 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:28,701 Mia? 361 00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,137 Tell me something, Charlie. 362 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,972 Do you think your inability to commit 363 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,840 and all your macho posturing 364 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:36,276 is because deep down, you're afraid you're gay? 365 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:37,277 You know, 366 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,979 I've wondered that, too. 367 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,213 Are you just a big ol' 'mo? 368 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,548 LYDIA: He's not a 'mo. 369 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,550 He's got mommy issues. 370 00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:47,020 Lots and lots of mommy issues. 371 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,821 Lydia! 372 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,225 Hey, it's Lydia. 373 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:53,760 EVELYN: Excuse me. 374 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,296 Why does everyone blame the mother? 375 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,331 Frankly, I think you were more on target 376 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,067 with that homo theory. 377 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,371 Okay, I don't want to be high anymore! 378 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:09,009 * 379 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,984 * Men. * 380 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,587 Hey, ask me why they should change the name 381 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:23,323 of the Sacramento Kings to the Sacramento Nads? 382 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:24,457 Why? 383 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,094 That way, everyone can chant, "Go Nads! 384 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,329 Go Nads!" 385 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,731 Another winner. 386 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,733 Yeah, I may not be good at school or sports, 387 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,768 but no one beats me at ball jokes. 388 00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,271 I'm so proud. 389 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,706 Can we watch TV? 390 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,308 You can watch TV anytime. 391 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,342 Let's talk. 392 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:43,676 You sure? 393 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,112 That hardly ever goes well. 394 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,780 Come on, what's going on in your life? 395 00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,516 Nothing. 396 00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:50,850 Oh, please, you're 16. 397 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,252 That-that's a very tumultuous time. 398 00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,521 I mean, especially with all the sexual issues 399 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,356 and the drugs and the internet. 400 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,825 Yeah. You gonna eat your chicken skin? 401 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:02,029 Help yourself. 402 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,098 You ask me, the skin's the best part. 403 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:07,100 Yeah, but it's not good for you. 404 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,601 Anyway, about your life... 405 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,603 Hey, there's a business opportunity. 406 00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,239 Go to all those skinless chicken restaurants, 407 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,906 and take the skin that they throw away 408 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:18,478 and open up a restaurant next door named "El Pollo Skin-o." 409 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,681 That means "the chicken skin" in Spanish. 410 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,350 That's very clever. 411 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,552 And guess where we'll open up our first restaurant? 412 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,687 Sacramento. 413 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,622 Charming. 414 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:33,360 Then Muncie, Indiana, home of Ball State University. 415 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,695 Then Lake Titicaca. 416 00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,364 Not a ball joke, but still funny. 417 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,433 Excuse me. 418 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:54,747 (muffled screaming) 419 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:56,616 What are you doing? 420 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,887 Screaming into a towel. 421 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,189 Oh. 422 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:03,590 I'm gonna watch TV. 423 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:04,724 Okay. 424 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:07,727 * 425 00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:10,730 (muffled screaming) 426 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,234 * Men. * 427 00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,869 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. 428 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,905 How many times has that 429 00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,241 been said in this bed? 430 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,776 Or in this chair? 431 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,413 Or all over this rug? 432 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,915 On the balcony 433 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,917 looking at the ocean? 434 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:34,121 (speaking Polish) 435 00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,390 You're not here! 436 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,392 You're not here! None of you are here! 437 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,994 Wow, so this is the bedroom. 438 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,864 I never got past the couch. 439 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,666 What are you complaining about? 440 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,502 I never got out of the car. 441 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,539 He did me in a little church in Van Nuys. 442 00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,407 Right in the pew. 443 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:59,779 I would never let him do me in the pew. 444 00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,784 He dumped me when I said, "I love you." 445 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:05,918 He dumped me 446 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,920 when he saw my penis. 447 00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,357 Me, too. 448 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,226 And he never called me again. 449 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:14,227 Why, Charlie? 450 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,062 Why didn't you call? 451 00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:20,633 (women clamoring) 452 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,101 I was busy. 453 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,303 I lost your number! 454 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,138 I was out of town! 455 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,707 You had a penis! 456 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,943 You, I don't know what that thing was! 457 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:34,147 (panting) 458 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,752 * 459 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,823 This isn't happening. 460 00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:46,025 This isn't happening. 461 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,694 Hey, Charlie. (gasps) 462 00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:51,198 Oh, Rose, not you, too. 463 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,799 Why not me, too? 464 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:56,269 Look, I'm really sorry about our one-night stand. 465 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,305 I know I should've called you. 466 00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,106 Yes, you should have. 467 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:01,441 Tell you what. 468 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,443 After I come down off this stupid pot, 469 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,677 How about I'll call the real you 470 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,413 and take you out on a proper date, 471 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,714 tell you how much you mean to me-- 472 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,416 how much you've always meant to me? 473 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,051 The real me would like that very much. 474 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:16,022 All I could find was donuts and chalupas. 475 00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:19,392 Hey, Rose! 476 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,564 Wait, you can see her? 477 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:26,899 Yeah, why? 478 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,101 (whispering): Can't you? 479 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,872 What the hell's going on? 480 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,875 You're imagining Berta. 481 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:41,214 Are you really here? 482 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,418 I don't know, am I? 483 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,687 Call me. 484 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,395 Okay, roll another fatty, 485 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,130 and let's polish off these donuts. 486 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,602 * Men. * 487 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,476 Why can't I drive? 488 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,312 Because we are carrying a very fragile clock 489 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:15,482 that is worth a lot of money. (sighs) 490 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,851 So when you sell it, what are you gonna do with the cash? 491 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,721 Uh, I'm not sure. 492 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,523 I might buy a new car. 493 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,426 I might pay your Uncle Charlie some of what I owe him. 494 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:28,995 Uh, I might put it in your college fund. 495 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,965 So what kind of car are you going to get? 496 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,968 I got my eye on a Lexus convertible. 497 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,637 Sweet. You know what? 498 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,839 That means you can have this one. 499 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,208 No, thanks. 500 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:45,177 I want to get one of those new Camaros. 501 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,179 Red with yellow racing stripes. 502 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,848 And then I'm gonna get a big, flaming skull 503 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,683 painted on the hood. 504 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,184 Don't you think you ought to wait 505 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,288 to see how the people at Domino's feel about that? 506 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,456 Really? 507 00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,791 You think I can get a job at Domino's? 508 00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:02,995 Hey, a man's reach should exceed his grasp 509 00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:04,697 or what's a heaven for? 510 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,700 I have no idea what you're talking about. 511 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,102 It means that as a human, we should-- 512 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:11,871 Oh, no! 513 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:18,711 No, no, no, no, no, no! 514 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,013 Now can I drive? 515 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,349 * Men.