1 00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,338 * Men. * 2 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,839 (chuckles) 3 00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:07,241 I can't believe this is only our second date. 4 00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:10,244 I know, I feel like I've known you all my life. 5 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,146 Me, too. 6 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:15,149 I'm assuming you mean that as a good thing. 7 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:16,284 Absolutely. 8 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,186 (both moan) 9 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,454 You're such an unexpected surprise in my life, Alan. 10 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,256 Oh, thank you. 11 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,458 Uh, once again, I'm assuming that's good. 12 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,459 (laughs) 13 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,195 It's great. 14 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,662 (both moaning) 15 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,531 Do you always wear your socks in bed? 16 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:33,534 Oh, oh, no, it's just one of my toenails is kind of snaggly 17 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,403 and I didn't want to scratch you with it. 18 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,138 Oh, okay. 19 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,006 Had I known we were going to make love, 20 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,309 I would have slapped a corn pad on the little bugger. 21 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,476 (chuckles) 22 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,477 (door opens) 23 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,045 BOY: Mom! Damn it. 24 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:48,616 Eldridge, why aren't you with your dad?! 25 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,119 'Cause he's a giant douche! 26 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:54,422 Don't talk about your father that way! 27 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,724 He's actually a colossal douche. 28 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,493 Um, uh, should I go? 29 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,195 No, no, it's fine. 30 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,830 (moans) 31 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,133 Do we have anything to eat?! 32 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,234 Order a pizza! 33 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,535 I've got company! 34 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,069 Is it Dave?! 35 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:13,107 No! Jimmy? 36 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,908 No! 37 00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:17,511 He's just trying to push my buttons. 38 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,513 Yeah, Jake's exactly the same way, 39 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:20,548 always trying to get my goat. 40 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,082 Now, who are Dave and Jimmy? 41 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,451 Shh, shh, shh. 42 00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:24,952 ELDRIDGE: Please don't tell me 43 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,155 you're doing Jake's loser dad! 44 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,292 I'm a divorced mother with a 16-year-old son! 45 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,294 I can't be picky! 46 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,499 Now, shut your pie hole! 47 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,668 I hate you! I hate you right back! 48 00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,403 (door slams) 49 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,873 So... where were we? 50 00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,110 Um... are you sure you don't want 51 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:52,112 to spend some time with your son? 52 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:53,581 I just did. 53 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,383 Fair enough. 54 00:01:57,651 --> 00:02:00,321 Can you tell I got my boobs done? 55 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,357 Oh, no. They, uh, they feel very natural. 56 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,625 Oh, good. 57 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:07,361 That kid absolutely ruined the first set. 58 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,830 Same thing happened to my ex-wife. 59 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,565 By the time Jake got through with them, 60 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:15,769 they looked like a couple of windsocks on a quiet day. Yeah. 61 00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:17,638 Oh, just, uh, just FYI, 62 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,940 I'm all original equipment. Ah. 63 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,510 Aside from, you know, a little anal bleaching. 64 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,111 What? 65 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,913 Oh, it was an accident. 66 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,317 I, uh, sat on a Clorox bottle by mistake. 67 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,451 Story for another day. 68 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,453 (music blasts from radio) 69 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,758 Eldridge, turn down the freakin' music! 70 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,960 Yeah, well, I don't want to hear you have sex! 71 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,795 Then put on your headphones! 72 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,565 That's why I bought them for you! 73 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,268 (music stops) 74 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,502 That's better. 75 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,538 Come here. 76 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,410 Is something wrong? 77 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,979 Oh, no, no. Everything's great. 78 00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:01,081 Are you sure, 'cause... 79 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:03,684 your toenail's the only thing poking me right now. 80 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,519 Oh, I'm sorry. 81 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,520 I'm a little distracted. 82 00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,723 Well, let me undistract you. 83 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,725 (electronic drums playing) 84 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,927 Son of a bitch. 85 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,566 What the hell is wrong with you?! 86 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,902 Hang in there. 87 00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:26,073 We've practiced for this. 88 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,842 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 89 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:32,012 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 90 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,349 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 91 00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,251 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... * 92 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,853 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 93 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:51,432 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... * 94 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,969 * Men. * 95 00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:59,239 (playing melancholy version of "Chelsea Morning") 96 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:06,013 * Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning * 97 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:12,920 * And the first thing that I heard * 98 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:16,890 * Was a song outside my window 99 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:21,161 * And the traffic wrote the words... * 100 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,163 Oh, give it a rest. 101 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,068 I miss Chelsea. 102 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,671 Hey. I miss the '80s, 103 00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:34,107 but you don't see me snorting blow off a DeLorean. 104 00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:37,978 I know he's grounded, Judith, 105 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,581 but why can't he be grounded at your house? 106 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:43,951 Well, I have a life, too. 107 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,253 Yes, I do. 108 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,789 Since now. 109 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,524 Okay, I'll tell you the truth. 110 00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,860 I... I've got a new girlfriend 111 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,228 and she only gets off one night a week and... 112 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,434 Why is that funny? 113 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,069 Oh! Ha, ha. 114 00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,172 That's the pot calling the kettle non-orgasmic, 115 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:06,574 don't you think? 116 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,175 Hello? 117 00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:09,977 Hello? (groans) 118 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,179 Well, have a nice day, you miserable bitch! 119 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,648 Oh, oh, you're still here! 120 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,316 Uh, uh, have a good weekend. 121 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:22,222 You know, Zippy, you remind me of a blind cat I used to have. 122 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,658 Bumping into walls, 123 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,259 stepping into his water dish. 124 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,761 He was a hoot. 125 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,063 I called him "Magoo." 126 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,799 Cute. 127 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,034 No, he was ugly, too. 128 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,971 Oh, hey, Charlie, uh, you gonna be home tonight? 129 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,573 Why? 130 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,042 No. Come on. 131 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:44,144 I've got a romantic night planned, but I need somebody 132 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,113 to keep an eye on Jake 'cause he's grounded. 133 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,715 I got a better idea. 134 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,384 Open the front door and leave a trail of hamburgers 135 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,185 to the Army recruiting office. 136 00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:56,089 Everybody wins but America. 137 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,292 Hey, uh, Berta, would you do me a favor? 138 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,830 Oh, Magoo, always walking into walls. 139 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,635 * Men. * 140 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,110 (floorboard creaks) 141 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,836 (engine starts) 142 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,039 (garage door closing) 143 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,147 (garage door closing) 144 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,223 (rapping on window) 145 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,926 (screams) 146 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,065 Where are you going? 147 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,035 I told you. I've got a date. 148 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,370 And I told you I'm not going to be responsible for your kid. 149 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,339 Oh, you don't have to be responsible for him, 150 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,741 just let him see you. 151 00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,110 You know, the illusion of adult supervision. 152 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,012 No, no, no. I've got plans of my own. 153 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,947 So if you're going to go, take your kid with you. 154 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,416 Please, Charlie, I booked a beautiful hotel room. 155 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,919 And I put it on a credit card, so there's no refund. 156 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,687 What do you mean "a credit card"? 157 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,156 I'll pay you back, I swear. 158 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,326 Come on, it's just for one night! 159 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,794 I don't ask for much. 160 00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,697 Don't ask for much? You're a human tip jar. 161 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,033 I'm begging you. 162 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,101 I already took the Cialis. 163 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,170 Please don't make me stay home with a boner. 164 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,973 You were going to make me stay home with a boner! 165 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,042 Okay, okay, think about this. 166 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,877 If it works out with me and Lyndsey, 167 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,747 I might be able to move out of your house and into hers. 168 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,749 Don't do that, Alan. 169 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,917 Don't toy with my heart. 170 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,519 All right, all right, tell you what. 171 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,688 Go tell Jake to pack a bag. 172 00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:08,989 I'll drop him off at his mom's. 173 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,991 Now, you're making sense. 174 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,628 (tires screeching) 175 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,330 Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! 176 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,166 This isn't over! 177 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,835 Sorry! 178 00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:24,938 All right, here's the deal. 179 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,206 I've got someone coming over tonight, 180 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,008 so I need you to make yourself scarce. 181 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,142 Are you back with Chelsea? 182 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,112 No, I'm not back with Chelsea. 183 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,947 So what's this new girl's name? 184 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,817 I don't know-- Jasmine, Jade. 185 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,453 I asked for Asian. 186 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,759 Who'd you ask? 187 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,096 Nobody. 188 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,099 Just get out of here for the night. 189 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:52,900 But I'm grounded. Hey, hey! 190 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,234 Hey, hey, hey. 191 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,404 I don't burden you with my problems. 192 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,646 Hey, Eldridge. My uncle's horny. 193 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,280 I'll meet you at the pier. 194 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,282 * Men. * 195 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,818 This is fun, huh? 196 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,285 Sneaking off to a hotel room 197 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,688 like a couple of horny teenagers. Mm-hmm. 198 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,056 Of course, I never had enough money 199 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,859 as a teenager to afford a hotel room. 200 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,528 My first time was on a miniature golf course. 201 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,863 Inside the windmill. 202 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,265 No kidding. Did you get a hole in one? 203 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,435 Uh, well actually a hole in two. 204 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,871 I lost the first one taking the putter out of the bag. 205 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,040 (laughing) 206 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,042 So, uh, where was your first time? 207 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,877 Backstage at a Police concert. 208 00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:38,511 Oh, Sting? 209 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,881 Little bit. 210 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,617 (laughing) 211 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,018 Can we stop at the drug store? 212 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,353 Oh, uh, don't worry. 213 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,089 I brought enough condoms to golf our brains out. 214 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,792 No, actually, I have to get some tampons. 215 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,962 Oh. Oh, you mean for just in case, right? 216 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,097 'Fraid not. Sorry. 217 00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:58,632 Oh, no, no. Don't, don't be silly. 218 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,133 Um, this is more about us 219 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,202 spending quality time together than anything else. 220 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,237 I'm glad you feel that way. 221 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:09,242 Nevertheless, I do have a plan "B." 222 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,011 Oh, what's that? 223 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,813 Plan "B," Alan. 224 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,915 It goes with my plan "J." 225 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,886 Oh... 226 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,554 Yay! 227 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,958 * Men. * 228 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,028 * Men. * 229 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:33,033 ANNOUNCER (on TV): The conference said it has been informed by the NCAA... 230 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,668 WOMAN: So, Charlie, 231 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,004 how can I make you happy? 232 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,205 What are my choices? 233 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,873 Well, you paid for 234 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:42,810 the full girlfriend experience, so... 235 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,344 anything you want. 236 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,046 Anything I want. Mm-hmm. 237 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:48,248 I like that. 238 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,250 Okay... 239 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,785 Read this magazine... 240 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,690 ...while I watch SportsCenter. 241 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,595 I want the girlfriend experience 242 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,231 and that's what my girlfriend used to do. 243 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,700 Okay. 244 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,102 And every once in a while, 245 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,705 look at me and sigh while rolling your eyes. 246 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,074 (sighs) 247 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:18,946 Oh, baby, that's what Daddy likes. 248 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,116 * Men. * 249 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,986 (Lyndsey moaning) 250 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,857 Cramps, huh? 251 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,192 LYNDSEY: No, I'm having another child. 252 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,228 (laughs) 253 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,097 Uh, you know, not that I'm complaining, 254 00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,932 but don't you gals usually circle 255 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,834 this time of the month on the old calendar? 256 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,436 It's not an exact science, Alan. 257 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,038 Aw, for God's sake. 258 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,140 It's like the horse head scene in The Godfather. 259 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,081 Could be worse. 260 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,649 Could be the prom scene from Carrie. 261 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,220 That's not funny. 262 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,055 Sorry. Tell you what. 263 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:03,891 I will, uh, call for some room service. 264 00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:06,459 Any special requests? Maybe some champagne? 265 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,928 Sure, whatever. 266 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,130 Oh, your wish is my command. 267 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,833 (louder): Uh, hello. Hi. 268 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,701 Yeah, this is Dr. Alan Harper. 269 00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,436 I'm in room 710, 270 00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:20,140 and I would like a bottle of your best champagne. 271 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,077 Oh, really? 272 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,513 You don't have anything more expensive? 273 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,381 All right, it'll have to do. 274 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:34,354 Also, I would like some fresh strawberries 275 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,891 and a dozen blue point oysters. 276 00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,661 Well, find some. 277 00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:45,232 This is a special evening and I will spare no expense. 278 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,234 Thank you. 279 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,171 LYNDSEY: Hey, Alan? 280 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,305 Yes, my sweet? 281 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,107 Can you hand me my purse? 282 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,176 Oh, sure. 283 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,217 Incoming. 284 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,186 Ow! 285 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,588 Sorry. 286 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,422 We're in luck. 287 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,958 We are? 288 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:14,694 I've still got a couple of Vicodin I stole from my son. 289 00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,163 You stole drugs from your son? 290 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,465 It's only fair. He stole my youth. 291 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:21,134 All righty. 292 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,371 Room service. 293 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,240 Oh, that was quick. 294 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,179 * Men. * 295 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,047 (TV chatter) 296 00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,216 All right, now, we've circled back around 297 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,286 to hockey scores, so... (TV turns off) 298 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,088 time for sex. 299 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,655 Okay. 300 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,791 And what kind of sex does Charlie want? 301 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,627 Ooh... 302 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,162 Hard to pick. 303 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,833 It's kind of like Baskin-Robbins. 304 00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:57,137 You know, if they charged $1,000 a scoop. 305 00:13:57,204 --> 00:14:00,840 And sprinkles are way extra. 306 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,276 Well, I guess if I have to choose, 307 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,478 my favorite kind of sex is make-up sex. 308 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,481 You're kidding. 309 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:09,917 No, it's great. 310 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,651 Here's how we do it. 311 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,888 I will do or say something that will really irritate you. 312 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,290 I can imagine that happening. 313 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,026 And then we'll have an argument, 314 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,460 which will escalate into a fight. 315 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,295 You'll sulk, I'll pout. 316 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,564 Then after a couple of minutes, we'll look at each other 317 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,700 and realize we're being silly, and how lucky we are to have each other. 318 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,736 Then I will take you in my arms 319 00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,338 and we'll hump our brains out. 320 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,606 Fine. How do we start? 321 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,442 Let me think. 322 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,776 All right. 323 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,511 Go in the bathroom and look in the sink. 324 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,847 What? 325 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,516 Just-just do it. Trust me. 326 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:54,327 Oh, God, it's disgusting! 327 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,828 Good, go with that. 328 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:59,666 Would it kill you to rinse out the sink after you shave? 329 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,867 Sorry. 330 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,702 All right, I forgive you. 331 00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,505 No, no-no, no, no, no, no. Not yet. 332 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,109 Make me work for it. 333 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,511 Okay. 334 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,946 Damn it, Charlie, 335 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,082 you're the most thoughtless man in the world. 336 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,451 Oh, come on, I'll rinse out the sink when I brush my teeth. 337 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,786 You haven't brushed your teeth yet? 338 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,989 What kind of a pig are you? 339 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,225 Nice touch. 340 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,427 But just remember, you're not really mad about the whiskers. 341 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,196 You're mad, 'cause I don't listen to you 342 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,563 and I don't like your friends 343 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,798 and I said snide things about your mother. 344 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,166 Yeah, yeah, yeah, so... 345 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,568 when do we get to the "humping our brains out"? 346 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:36,936 Oh, we're not even close. 347 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,205 This goes on for hours. 348 00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:45,145 Take this and pretend like you're working. 349 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,381 Oh, sweetie, I don't have to pretend. 350 00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,085 How would you feel about slapping some 351 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,287 greasy skin cream all over your face? 352 00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:56,623 Where you going with this? 353 00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,859 I'm just talking skin cream. 354 00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,329 What do you think, I'm some kind of freak? 355 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,231 Okay, but I'm not that kind of freak. 356 00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,338 * Men. * 357 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,340 (music from TV) 358 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,918 (belches) 359 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,927 Whoa, that's going to attract seagulls. 360 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:41,801 Okay, let's get this over with. 361 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:44,871 Don't you want to have some room service champagne and oysters? 362 00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:46,873 No. I do this better on an empty stomach. 363 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,441 (TV turns off) 364 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,378 By the way, um, I'm a little foggy from the Vicodin, 365 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,513 so if I fall asleep in the middle, 366 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:56,216 just give me a little tap on the shoulder. 367 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,750 Okay. 368 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,452 Come here. 369 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,923 You're a good kisser, Alan. 370 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,192 Thank you. 371 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,160 Better than my ex-husband. 372 00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:11,098 Oh. Well, good for me. 373 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,100 He made up for it 374 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,302 below the waist, if you know what I mean. 375 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,938 He had big feet? 376 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,140 Three of them. 377 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,975 But only two wore shoes. 378 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,045 Lucky you. 379 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,714 Ah, don't worry. 380 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,749 Size doesn't matter to me. 381 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,151 Good to know. 382 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,853 In fact, in this situation, 383 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,123 the smaller the better. 384 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,264 Um... you're welcome? 385 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,238 (gurgling) 386 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,540 What the hell was that? 387 00:17:53,606 --> 00:18:01,348 Um, I don't know. 388 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,750 (gurgling) Uh-oh. 389 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,218 What? 390 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,053 I think the oysters are making a break for it. 391 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,256 Excuse me. 392 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,391 Are you going to throw up? 393 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:12,559 I wish! 394 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,428 You might want to turn the TV on-- loud! 395 00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,063 Why? 396 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,866 You don't want to hear what's about to happen! 397 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,403 * Oh... klahoma 398 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,339 * Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain * 399 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,275 * Where the waving wheat 400 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:31,077 * It sure smells sweet when the wind... * 401 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,180 * Men. * 402 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,514 All right, one grilled cheese 403 00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:36,783 with avocado and bacon, extra crispy. 404 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,651 Oh, thank you, honey. 405 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,053 You realize that bacon's going to kill you. 406 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,390 I know. 407 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,925 You say you know, but you keep eating it. 408 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,927 Oh, come on, don't nag. 409 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,129 I'm not nagging, I'm concerned about you. 410 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,332 Fine, fine. I'll take the bacon off. 411 00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:54,000 Don't do me any favors. 412 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,336 No-no, no. I'm doing it. I'm doing it, see? 413 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,609 (door opens and closes) 414 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,110 Who's that? 415 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,112 Just the kid. Jake, get in here! 416 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,447 We have a kid? 417 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,148 You didn't say anything about having a kid. 418 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,451 He's not ours. He's my brother's. 419 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:14,587 So what's my part in this scenario? 420 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,057 You don't think I'm a good role model, and yet, paradoxically, 421 00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,726 you still want to have children with me. 422 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,562 What? 423 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,232 Did you go out even though you were grounded? 424 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:27,099 You told me to. 425 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,603 Don't look at me like that. He's lying. 426 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,738 I'm not lying. 427 00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,973 And I'm not looking at you. 428 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,542 All right, all right, enough. 429 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,310 You, young man, 430 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,111 go to your room and think about what you've done. 431 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,281 Whatever. 432 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,684 I think we handled that really well. 433 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:47,119 Tough love, but I'm still the cool uncle. 434 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,456 Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy. 435 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:51,991 I'm very happy. 436 00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:53,326 In fact, are you free tomorrow? 437 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,128 I'm never free, but I'm available. 438 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,630 Well, great. 439 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,799 How about you drag me to some boring museum 440 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,268 so I can miss the Laker game? 441 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:04,671 It's your money. 442 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,339 Is it okay if I go take a shower? 443 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,307 Well, sure. Okay. 444 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,841 I'll be up in a bit. 445 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,615 (sighs) 446 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,184 Still cheaper than getting married. 447 00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:22,121 * Men. * 448 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,059 All righty. Here we are. 449 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,162 Thank you. You're welcome. 450 00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:35,167 Believe it or not, I actually had a good time. 451 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,936 Really? Well, yeah. 452 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,940 Nice hotel, room service, no teenagers. 453 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,809 Um, I'm glad. 454 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,512 So, shall we try it again 455 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:50,317 in, you know, five or six days? 456 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:53,119 I would like that. 457 00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:56,389 Okay, uh... 458 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:57,557 I don't mean to rush you, but I really 459 00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,959 have to go home to my bathroom. 460 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,227 Want to use mine? 461 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:02,762 Uh, no. No, that wouldn't 462 00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,964 be good for our relationship. 463 00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:05,965 All right. 464 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,400 Well, bye. 465 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,901 Seriously, get out of the car. 466 00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:20,146 * Oh... klahoma where the wind comes... *