1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,003 * Men. 2 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,872 Yes, Judith, I did deduct $30 3 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,508 from your child support check this month. 4 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:11,512 Because I paid for Jake's haircut. 5 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:13,013 Yes, it is usually nine dollars, 6 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:15,349 but he wanted to go someplace without hobbyhorses. 7 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:20,020 I know he's never gonna win any beauty contests, 8 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,390 but he is our son. 9 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:25,025 Look, I've got a patient. I got to go. 10 00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:27,828 Sorry you had to hear that. 11 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,831 That's, uh, that's my ex-wife. 12 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,268 Bee-yatch. 13 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,308 Hello, Mrs. Honeycutt. I'm Dr. Harper. 14 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,709 Doctor. 15 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,912 Okay, so you are having spasms in your lower back? 16 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:46,414 Yeah, it's awful. 17 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,416 Some days I can't even get out of bed. 18 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,650 Oh, I know how that is. 19 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,519 You have back problems, too? 20 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,021 No. 21 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,723 Anyway, why don't you lie face down, 22 00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,825 and we'll see if we can locate the problem. 23 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:58,992 I've tried everything. 24 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,894 Acupuncture, 25 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,730 yoga, shiatsu. 26 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,265 Nothing seems to work. 27 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:05,633 Not surprised. 28 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,502 Those Eastern practices are mostly hooey. 29 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,037 Modern chiropractic, on the other hand, 30 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,840 is built on over 50 years of solid science. 31 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:17,811 Okay, let's take a look at what we've got here. 32 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,880 Okay, now is this too much pressure? 33 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,882 No. 34 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:22,950 Okay, how about this? 35 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,418 No. 36 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,820 Okay, now is this where the spasms occur? 37 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:27,988 A little lower. 38 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,056 Okay. 39 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,090 Here? 40 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,259 (moans) Lower. 41 00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,360 Here? 42 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,461 (loud moan) 43 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,795 Am I hurting you? 44 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,097 No! God, no! 45 00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,699 (erotic moaning) 46 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:42,069 Nobody's touched me like this since my husband died. 47 00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,672 Oh, um, I'm so sorry. 48 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,374 Um, how long has it been since...? 49 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,442 (loud moan) That long, huh? 50 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,844 (loud moaning) 51 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:54,248 Oh, my, it's, uh, pretty... pretty sensitive here. 52 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,349 Harder! 53 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:58,519 Oh, okay, no problem. Um... 54 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,489 So, just out of curiosity, how did you find me? 55 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,657 Uh, referral? Uh, my Web site? 56 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,559 Or the fliers on the counter 57 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,461 of the Mongolian barbecue across the street? 58 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:08,996 Shut up and rub! 59 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,832 Uh, I'm not technically rubbing. 60 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,734 (loud moaning) ALAN: Whoa! Whoa, Nellie. Whoa! 61 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,136 MRS. HONEYCUTT: Don't stop! I'm not stopping. 62 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,271 Oh, spank me! 63 00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,307 ALAN: I'm-I'm sorry? 64 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,675 MRS. HONEYCUTT: Spank my lonely ass! 65 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,111 ALAN: What?! Do it, bitch! 66 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,914 (slap) Yes, Doctor, harder! 67 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,881 (loud slap) Yes! 68 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:33,086 (slapping continues) Oh, God, yes! 69 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,888 (slapping stops) 70 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,672 Okay, let's take a look at the schedule. 71 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:55,175 See what the, uh, rest of the afternoon looks like. 72 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,044 Oh, that's not too bad. 73 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,081 So, how are you liking your first day at work here? 74 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:02,916 (door opening) 75 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,753 Thank you, Dr. Harper. 76 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,788 Uh, you are most welcome. 77 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:11,625 A-And remember, alternating an ice pack with a heating pad 78 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,494 is, uh, very helpful for spasming. 79 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,396 I'd like to make another appointment. 80 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:16,730 Oh, sure, sure. Uh... 81 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,066 What were you thinking? Maybe next week, or...? 82 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,301 Tonight. 83 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:21,402 Uh, tonight? 84 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,737 Oh, oh, gloriosky. 85 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:27,441 Uh, uh... well, we, uh... we close up at 5:00, so... 86 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,610 So I can expect you at my place at 9:00. 87 00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:33,080 Oh, gee. Uh, I-I don't do house calls. 88 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,284 Per se. 89 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,885 See you at 9:00. 90 00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:43,023 (door opens and closes) 91 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,529 Uh, some patients pay in cash. 92 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,166 Uh, uh, their insurance, uh, won't cover chiropractic. 93 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:57,338 Uh, part of our ongoing health care crisis. 94 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,972 Tragic, really. 95 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:04,912 Uh, by the way, you are doing one heck of a job. 96 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,516 In fact, here's a little something for you. 97 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,019 Just 'cause your smile lights up the place. 98 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,723 You know what? Let's sweeten the pot. 99 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,826 Um, can you give me ten back? 100 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,662 Not a problem. 101 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,897 Can't put a price on a smile. 102 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:28,201 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 103 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,572 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 104 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,708 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 105 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,810 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 106 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,212 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 107 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,516 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 108 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:47,087 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 109 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,663 * Men. 110 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,030 I like the new look. 111 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:57,865 Thanks. 112 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,667 It's fashion forward. 113 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:00,734 What does that mean? 114 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,135 I don't know. 115 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,004 It's what the guy who cut my hair said. 116 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,507 He also said it was "fun and fabulous." 117 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:07,708 Really? 118 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:09,843 Yeah, and he invited Dad to a party. 119 00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,482 I didn't go. 120 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,183 It's just nice to be asked. 121 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:20,788 So, why'd you decide to abandon your classic cereal bowl coif? 122 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,723 What's a "coif"? 123 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,525 You can't glean it from the context? 124 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,159 What's "glean"? 125 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,596 Why'd you change your freakin' hair? 126 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,263 My new girlfriend wanted me to. 127 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,799 If your new girlfriend wanted you 128 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,501 to jump off a bridge, would you do that? 129 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:37,004 If she put her tongue in my mouth when she asked me, yeah. 130 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,306 Well, I can't blame you. 131 00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,509 I once bought a woman a car for the same reason. 132 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,143 She put her tongue in your mouth? 133 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,448 Sure, let's say mouth. 134 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,017 Can we get the check, please? 135 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,453 Hey, why don't you let me get this one? 136 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,822 Really? You're not going to go for the world record? 137 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:55,823 What are you talking about? 138 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,826 1,647 meals in a row 139 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,261 where you haven't taken out your stupid Velcro wallet. 140 00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,630 You were counting? 141 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,664 Am I close? 142 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:07,635 Nevertheless, I'm paying. 143 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:08,536 (sniffs) 144 00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:09,903 You smell that, Jake? 145 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,839 The air coming out of your father's wallet 146 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,274 has been in there since before you were born. 147 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,643 Very funny. 148 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,310 Thank you. 149 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,612 Wait, wait, wait. 150 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,581 Nobody is going to believe this. 151 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,450 For God's sake. 152 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,425 Hey, isn't that Chelsea's friend, Gail? 153 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,927 CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. 154 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,829 I wonder if I should say hello. 155 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:36,997 I wouldn't mind saying hello. 156 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,768 Finish paying the check, you weasel. 157 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,770 Hey, Dad, as long as you got your wallet out, 158 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,438 I could use some new sneaks. 159 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,706 Hmm. Oh... 160 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,207 Sure. 161 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,910 Are you dying? 162 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,747 Charlie. 163 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,449 Oh, hi, Gail. 164 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,785 Great to see you. 165 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,952 How've you been? 166 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,654 Pretty good. You? 167 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,723 Well, you know... 168 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:05,358 Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about you and Chelsea. 169 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,460 The way it goes. 170 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:07,961 Win some, lose some. 171 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,030 Start having liquor delivered straight to your house-- 172 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,765 you don't have to put on pants. 173 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,434 Well, if it's any consolation, I know how you feel. 174 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,804 I'm still not over my breakup. 175 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,239 But I'm not much of a drinker, so... 176 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,841 Cheers. 177 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:24,678 Have you, uh... have you seen Chelsea? 178 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,213 Yeah, actually I had dinner with her, and... 179 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,882 We had dinner just the other night. 180 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,183 Her and Brad? 181 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,786 Yeah, come to think of it, he was there. 182 00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,454 Looks like they're an item now. 183 00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,723 I guess. 184 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:36,857 You guess? 185 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,826 What do you want from me, Charlie? 186 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,227 They're in Mexico for the weekend. 187 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,029 Mexico. Nice. 188 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,597 I went there with her once. 189 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,698 I'm sorry. 190 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:45,499 No, no, no, no, it's fine. 191 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,934 We had a great time. 192 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,302 In fact, when we got back, I bought her a car. 193 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,773 Yeah, she told me. 194 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,842 Ooh... 195 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,845 Listen, I got to go, but... 196 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,680 if you ever want to talk. 197 00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,348 Oh, thank you. 198 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,116 Bye. Bye-bye. 199 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:06,687 For the last time, I am not dying and I'm not sick. 200 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,321 Everything's fine. 201 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,623 Okay, I got it. 202 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,425 But you can understand my skepticism, right? 203 00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:17,698 * Men. 204 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,802 I really don't see why I shouldn't ask her out. 205 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,071 Seriously? The woman is Chelsea's best friend. 206 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,673 So? 207 00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,308 She's single, I'm single. She's lonely, I'm lonely. 208 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,044 She's gorgeous, I'm well above average. 209 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,346 I'm just saying it's a bad idea. 210 00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,482 I never said it wasn't a bad idea. 211 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:38,218 I said I don't know why I shouldn't do it. 212 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,021 What's that? 213 00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:42,656 That's a portable massage table. 214 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,425 So, what, you're givin' rub-and-tugs on the pier now? 215 00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:47,127 No. 216 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,862 No, I am a licensed professional, 217 00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,964 and-and I will not stand here 218 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,567 and be accused of unethical behavior. 219 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,903 I mean, just because you have no moral compass 220 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,437 doesn't mean I don't. 221 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,740 And while, yes, that's a triple negative, 222 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,141 it nevertheless defines me 223 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,977 as the man for whom I am aiming to be! 224 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,680 What the hell are you talking about? 225 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:09,349 I am just trying to augment my income 226 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,719 by seeing clients in their homes, 227 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:15,288 thus alleviating them of the added stress of commuting, 228 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,825 not to mention speed bumps and potholes, of which, 229 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,960 as you know, can jostle the spine! 230 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:28,035 Wow, guy picks up one $30 check and he has a brain aneurysm. 231 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,873 * Men. 232 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:36,076 (phone rings) 233 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,277 (TV broadcast stops) 234 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,180 Yeah? 235 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,415 Chelsea? 236 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,217 Hey! How are ya? 237 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:47,554 Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down, slow down. 238 00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,090 Why are you crying? 239 00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,759 Wait a minute. 240 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,628 You're in Mexico? 241 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:57,698 Why on Earth are you in Mexico? 242 00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:02,169 Oh, sure, Brad. 243 00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:07,474 Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry it's not working out. 244 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,843 Well, I love you and I miss you, too. 245 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,945 When are you gonna be back? 246 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:15,048 Okay, okay, I'll-I'll see you tomorrow. 247 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,616 I... can't wait. 248 00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,686 All right, bye-bye, sweetie. 249 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,390 (chuckles ruefully) 250 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,793 I hope that smile's for me. 251 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:33,166 Uh, who else would it be for? 252 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,037 * Men. 253 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,809 * Men. 254 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,377 You ready for round two? 255 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:48,015 Well, um... yes and no. 256 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,217 Something wrong? 257 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,985 Yeah. 258 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,721 While you were in the bathroom, 259 00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,355 uh, Chelsea called. 260 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,157 Really? 261 00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,327 Apparently, things didn't go well in Mexico, 262 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,695 and she's coming home. 263 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,296 Well, that's a shame. 264 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,832 Yeah. 265 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,234 Anyway, she wants to see me. 266 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,669 Said she loves me and misses me. 267 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:13,406 So, one call and you're just gonna go running back? 268 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:16,276 Um, yeah. 269 00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:22,750 Well... this is awkward. 270 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,385 Come on. You know how I feel about her. 271 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,020 I do. 272 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:30,858 So, we should probably keep what happened tonight 273 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,392 just between us, right? 274 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,327 Mum's the word? 275 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,562 Zip the lip? 276 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,298 Ixnay on the oggie day aisle stay? 277 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,201 Of course. 278 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,774 You know, we could just pretend 279 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,276 that you didn't get the phone call 280 00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,711 for, like, another hour. 281 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,814 We could, couldn't we? 282 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:59,352 But wouldn't that be... wrong? 283 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,222 I won't tell if you don't. 284 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:05,192 Uh, I'm sorry, Gail. 285 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,460 I can't, I can't justify it to myself. 286 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,196 Okay. 287 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,199 Well, can I at least kiss you good night? 288 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,266 Sure. 289 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,877 On the other hand, 290 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,313 there's no arguing with a boner. 291 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,351 * Men. 292 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,719 Let's see. 293 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,421 When Gail came over, 294 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:38,391 it was 11:00 here and midnight in Cabo. 295 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,827 When Chelsea called, 296 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,796 it was midnight here and 1:00 in Cabo. 297 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:45,665 So when I did Gail at 12:10, 298 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:49,069 Chelsea technically hadn't called yet. 299 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,440 Not my best work, but I can live with it. 300 00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:57,410 Hey. 301 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,212 Hey. 302 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,420 Tough night, Bunky? 303 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,522 I'm a whore, Charlie. 304 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,124 Don't be so hard on yourself. 305 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,526 Jake needed a haircut, and you had no money. 306 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,595 What? No, no! 307 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:19,232 I took money to give a woman pleasure. 308 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,667 Wait a minute. 309 00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,871 You... gave a woman pleasure? 310 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,940 Oh, you have no idea what powerful orgasms 311 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,276 these hands are capable of delivering. 312 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,844 No, no, no. I've always known that. 313 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,279 I just find it hard to believe 314 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,147 they could give them to other people. 315 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:40,820 Yeah, well, maybe this'll convince you. 316 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,124 A woman gave you this? 317 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,159 Uh-huh, right before she told me 318 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,062 she was done with me and I could show myself out. 319 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,864 Sounds like a dream date to me. 320 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,399 So what's the problem? 321 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,034 How do I live with myself? 322 00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:55,735 How did you live with yourself before? 323 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:58,138 By thinking I was better than you. 324 00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,074 Now after all these years, I've finally descended to your level. 325 00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:02,609 Oh, no-no-no, no, no. 326 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,878 I may have done some questionable things in my life, 327 00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:07,047 but I have never taken money for it. 328 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,317 That's not to say it wasn't offered. 329 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,120 Deservedly so. 330 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,621 Fine, I'm worse than you. 331 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,057 That's all I'm saying. 332 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,926 Well, I am going to take a shower 333 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,493 and try to wash the cheapness off me. 334 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,463 Better take some steel wool and a cheese grater. 335 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,633 Hey, Alan. 336 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,169 Oh, Gail... 337 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,504 Hi. 338 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,007 Don't judge me, Pretty Woman. 339 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,811 Charlie, I better get going. 340 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,913 Right, right. 341 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,814 So, uh, you and I are okay? 342 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,850 Yeah. I'm just sorry it has to end. 343 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:45,018 Yeah, me, too. 344 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,253 Chelsea's a lucky girl. 345 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,121 You think so? You should tell her. 346 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,689 I mean, don't tell her. 347 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,391 Bye. 348 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,360 Bye-bye. 349 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,797 Thank you, Charlie. 350 00:14:57,864 --> 00:14:59,366 For what? (door closes) 351 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,335 Proving once again that I am better than you. 352 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,605 Hey, hey, I'm just a rascal! 353 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,375 You are a male prostitute! 354 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:14,247 That is a terribly hurtful thing to say. 355 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,156 * Men. 356 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,425 So there we are in this beautiful hotel room 357 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:26,693 overlooking the ocean, 358 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,928 and he's on the phone with his mother trying 359 00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,897 to help her download music to her iPod. 360 00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:31,931 You're kidding! 361 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,733 And I just sat there thinking, 362 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:34,901 "Charlie would never do this. 363 00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:37,037 Charlie hates his mother with a blind passion!" 364 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:40,540 Remember when you used to think that was a bad thing? 365 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,043 And when Brad's not on the phone with his mother, 366 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,912 he's telling me how much I remind him of his mother. 367 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,880 I hope not while you were in bed, 368 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,583 'cause that would reflect badly on everybody. 369 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,119 You don't wanna know. 370 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,686 There's nothing to know. 371 00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,322 You went to Mexico with another man, 372 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,789 he talked about his mother in bed, 373 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,358 and you didn't have sex with him. 374 00:15:58,425 --> 00:15:59,826 Charlie... 375 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,029 Nope! That's what happened. End of story. 376 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,330 (laughs) 377 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,433 I should never have let you go. 378 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,869 Well, sometimes you can't appreciate what you've got 379 00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:13,706 until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a mama's boy. 380 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,276 I'm sorry about Brad. 381 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:17,944 I know that hurt you. 382 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,946 Ah, it's water under the bridge. 383 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,049 What you did, what I did, doesn't matter. 384 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,050 What did you do? 385 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,851 Doesn't matter. 386 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,020 Charlie, no secrets. 387 00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,855 Please, can't I just have one? 388 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,690 Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. 389 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,092 We were separated. 390 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,096 All right, here goes. 391 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,965 I was having pizza with Alan and Jake the other day. 392 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,533 By the way, Jake got a new haircut. 393 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,601 It's just fabulous. 394 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:47,307 Okay, well, you'll never guess who was there getting takeout. 395 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,277 Your old buddy Gail. 396 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,645 Oh, my God, you didn't. 397 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:55,515 I didn't say I did, but good guess. 398 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:58,885 I don't believe you! 399 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,620 What?! We were separated. 400 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:01,688 You were in Mexico with another man. 401 00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,456 But she's my best friend! 402 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,559 Yeah, well, I'd have to say the jury's still out on that. 403 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,561 You are such a pig! 404 00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:11,431 A-A-A pig who hates his mother. 405 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:12,699 Go to hell! 406 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,168 Oh, come on! 407 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:16,736 It was 1:00 in Cabo! 408 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,271 * Men. 409 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:22,142 Oh! Lower. 410 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,843 How about here? 411 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:27,547 (low, loud moaning) Oh, yeah... 412 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,783 that's how Mommy likes it. 413 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,051 Okay, you know what? 414 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,686 I'm sorry. I-I can't do this. 415 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,188 What's wrong? 416 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,589 I am a professional. 417 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,225 I studied chiropractic 418 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,959 for three years in Guadalajara. 419 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,762 And that was with almost no Spanish language skills 420 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,798 and a family of parasites living in my colon. 421 00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,667 And I did not go through all of that 422 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,970 to become some sort of G-spot Johnny. 423 00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:53,039 Is that what you think you are? 424 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,942 Well, you're giving me money, and I'm giving you... 425 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,777 what I'm giving you. 426 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,246 It just, it makes me feel cheap. 427 00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,414 So it's too much like a business transaction. 428 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,582 Exactly. 429 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,417 Well, how about we forget the money, 430 00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,320 and I'll show you something I learned in Guadalajara? 431 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,956 What? 432 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:16,429 ALAN: * Ai, yi, yi, yi! 433 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:20,567 * Canta y no llores... 434 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,101 * Men. 435 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,102 (doorbell rings) 436 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,509 Oh, hey, hi. 437 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:30,810 I'm sorry. 438 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:31,911 I overreacted. 439 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,247 Yeah, you kinda did. 440 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,783 You're both single, you're both adults, 441 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,451 and you and I were separated. 442 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:42,789 Plus you were honest with me, so I'm willing to put it behind us. 443 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,225 Oh, thank you. Thank you! 444 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,226 I love you so much. 445 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:47,660 I love you, too. 446 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,297 Why don't I take you out 447 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,400 for a nice lunch and we'll catch up? 448 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,667 You wanna go out? 449 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:55,802 I'm a little hungry. 450 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:56,936 Aren't you a little hungry? 451 00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,839 Gail's upstairs, isn't she? 452 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,411 Once again, we were separated and I was vulnerable! 453 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,146 Just so we're on the same page, 454 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:11,083 are we still together or am I allowed to go back upstairs?! 455 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,221 Oh, damn! 456 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,893 (sighs) 457 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,397 Oh, how much madder could she get? 458 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,132 * Men. 459 00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:32,171 with the back spasms. 460 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,773 Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you on Wednesday. 461 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,841 Looking forward to it. 462 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,276 Uh, and Mrs. Honeycutt? Yes? 463 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,910 (lowers voice): Uh, if it's okay with you, 464 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,012 I think I'd like to go back to our original arrangement. 465 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,081 But you said it made you feel cheap. 466 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,017 What can I say? Turns out I am cheap. 467 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:47,086 Your call. Bye-bye. 468 00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,755 Bye. 469 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,766 Have I told you lately that you are doin' a great job? 470 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,200 (chuckling nervously) 471 00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:03,236 'Cause you are doin' a great job! 472 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:04,737 (chuckling nervously) 473 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:09,208 In fact, I am going to make you employee of the month. 474 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,912 I want an adjustment. 475 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,583 Uh, I'm sorry. 476 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,184 Are-Are you having back problems? 477 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,588 No, I want an adjustment like you give her. 478 00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:28,227 Oh, gee, I-I don't think that would be appropriate. 479 00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:32,699 All right, then I want a raise and dental insurance. 480 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,835 Hop on the table. 481 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,551 * Men.