1 00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:04,072 * Men... 2 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,673 I'm gonna hate this movie. 3 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,275 How can you be so sure? 4 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,943 It's got subtitles. 5 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,046 The only good subtitles are for Nazis, 6 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:15,083 Colombian drug lords, and space aliens. 7 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,085 Oh, and Kung Fu. 8 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:20,020 Excuse me, but NPR called Hiroshima la Poubelle 9 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,123 an "enchanting journey of self-discovery." 10 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,791 Well, they're not gonna call it 11 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:28,096 a "two-hour French snooze-fest for pompous douche-buckets." 12 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,797 Hey, you agreed that if I paid for the tickets, 13 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,199 we could see what I want to see. 14 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,101 That's because I didn't actually think 15 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,502 you could scrape together 18 bucks 16 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,104 without stopping at a blood bank. 17 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:37,871 Well, it is a small price to pay 18 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,373 to finally get you out of the house. 19 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,974 It's been three weeks since you and Chelsea broke up, 20 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,276 and you need to move on. 21 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,877 Says the guy who still carries around 22 00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:45,246 a naked picture of his ex-wife. 23 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:46,547 Hey, I bought those boobs. 24 00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:49,016 I have a right to look at them once in a while. 25 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,922 Damn. I don't believe it. 26 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:55,789 What? 27 00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:56,824 She's here. 28 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,159 My ex-wife? 29 00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:00,694 No! It's Chelsea. 30 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,196 She's with that Brad guy. 31 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,697 So wh-what do we do? 32 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:04,865 Do we say hello? 33 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,767 No. We get the hell out of here. 34 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,369 CHELSEA: Charlie? 35 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,703 Hey. 36 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:10,771 Look who's here. 37 00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:11,972 Alan, Chelsea's here. 38 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,741 Oh, hey, Chelsea. 39 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:14,708 Hi, Alan. 40 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:15,976 You guys remember Brad. 41 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,411 How's it going? 42 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,612 Good. Great. 43 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,114 Looking forward to the movie. 44 00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,582 I'm surprised to see you here. 45 00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,851 This doesn't strike me as your cup of tea. 46 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,120 Are you kidding? NPR called it 47 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,256 an "enchanting journey of self-discovery." 48 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,724 You know I live for that crap. 49 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:31,959 Right. 50 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,794 Okay, well, it was good seeing you. 51 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,629 You, too. 52 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,932 Wow. 53 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,335 That was awkward. 54 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,204 Tell me about it. 55 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,838 Had to be tough for you. 56 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,907 Your ex-fianceé out with another guy? 57 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:47,941 Uh-huh. 58 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,610 Good-looking guy. 59 00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:50,578 Yeah. 60 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,913 You're here with your brother. 61 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,081 I know. 62 00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:56,650 That'll tighten the old sphincter. 63 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,087 Oh, God. 64 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,622 You still want to go? 65 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:04,292 No. No, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction. 66 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,694 I can suck it up for two hours. 67 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,662 Three hours and 20 minutes. 68 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:09,930 What? 69 00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:14,001 It covers four generations of transsexual Kabuki dancers. 70 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,806 Let's go. 71 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,310 All right, but I think 72 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,978 you should pay me back for the tickets. 73 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,380 Well, not now. 74 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,082 When it's convenient. 75 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,721 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 76 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:36,857 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 77 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,960 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 78 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,929 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 79 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:45,132 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 80 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:48,302 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 81 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,405 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 82 00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,112 * Men... 83 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,452 I can't believe she's already dating. 84 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,119 You're kidding, right? 85 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,588 The day after she moved out, 86 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,291 you ran off to Vegas and married a stripper. 87 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,192 People grieve in different ways, Alan. 88 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,294 Mm. 89 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,095 Besides, the stripper was already married, 90 00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:16,764 so no harm, no foul. 91 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:20,067 (sighs) Everybody's got somebody but me. 92 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,303 Hello? I'm not with anyone, either. 93 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:25,506 Hello? You're a big loser that says "Hello?" 94 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,380 I wonder if she's slept with him yet. 95 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,282 Oh, don't go there, Charlie. Don't punish yourself. 96 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:37,651 Well, if she hasn't already, I'll bet you she does tonight. 97 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,387 Okay, punish yourself. 98 00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,389 I mean, what kind of man's gonna sit through 99 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,391 a three-hour gay French flick unless he figures 100 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,426 he's got a good shot at getting laid afterwards? 101 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:48,262 You didn't even give that movie a chance. 102 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:51,365 I'll bet you right now he's driving her back to his place. 103 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,200 They're talking about the movie. 104 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,703 He'll make up some crap about how it made him cry. 105 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,372 Then he'll ask her in for a cup of coffee, 106 00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,374 which he'll turn into a glass of wine. 107 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,243 One thing leads to another, and before you know it, 108 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,380 he's got her in the bathtub running like a jet ski. 109 00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:11,151 At least that's how I'd play it. 110 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:13,654 Come on. 111 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,222 Where we going? 112 00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,891 Chelsea's. I got to see if she comes home tonight. 113 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,460 Okay. Why am I going? 114 00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:20,628 Hello? I'm hammered. 115 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,063 How's it gonna look if I get a DUI 116 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,198 on the way to spy on my ex-girlfriend? 117 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:30,338 He's very responsible about drinking and stalking. 118 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,074 * Men... 119 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:38,612 (sighs): How long are we gonna sit here? 120 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,681 Till she comes home. 121 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,317 What if she spends all night with Brad? 122 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:46,520 Well, then we'll be here all night. 123 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,055 (groaning sigh) 124 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,157 No, no. No, don't... 125 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,492 (groaning sigh) 126 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:54,395 Hey, I can (groaning sigh) if I want to. 127 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,128 I'm tired. 128 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,397 Then go to sleep. 129 00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,831 Without my melatonin and mouth guard? 130 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,099 I don't think so. 131 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,970 Car, car, car. 132 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,338 Oh, it's them. 133 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,039 It's them. Get down. Get down. Okay. 134 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,140 Quick, put this on. 135 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,542 What the hell is it? Mustache. 136 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,210 What are you doing with a mustache 137 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,211 in your glove compartment? 138 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,446 Don't worry. It's fake. 139 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,416 That doesn't answer my question. 140 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,317 You think you're the first guy who's ever checked up 141 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,619 on a woman who's dumped you? Put it on! 142 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:21,288 (sighs) There is a whole side to you 143 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,357 I don't want to know anything about. 144 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,360 Hey, that's a good look for you. 145 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,295 It's kind of '70s porn star. 146 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,631 I'm guessing. 147 00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,201 Look at that thing he's driving. 148 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,537 What? It's a Prius. Of course it's a Prius. 149 00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,171 (mocking): I'm saving the planet. 150 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,707 Could I play with your boobies? 151 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,875 Hey, do not put down the green lifestyle. 152 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,176 I have worked very hard 153 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,245 to reduce the size of my carbon footprint. 154 00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,480 You're a mooch and a miser. 155 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,215 Don't try to make it sound hip. 156 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,319 All right, they're getting out of the car. 157 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,655 Oh, don't you just love how he dresses? 158 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,324 I mean, youthful, but not trying too hard. 159 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,493 Unlike some people. 160 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,996 Oh, great. They're kissing. 161 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,399 Good thing he doesn't know where her mouth has been. 162 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,938 Wait a minute. 163 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,073 He's getting back in his car. 164 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,608 And there he goes. 165 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:19,212 Well, denied, Mr. Greenpeace Sissy Pants! 166 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,448 There. You feel better? 167 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:21,982 Can we please go home now? 168 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,216 Wait, just a minute. 169 00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:24,952 I want to make sure she gets inside okay. 170 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:28,021 You know, there's a soft side to you that I just applaud. 171 00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,490 You don't let it out very often, 172 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:32,225 but when you do, it just lights up the world. 173 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,496 Wait a minute. 174 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,264 Why is she getting in her car? 175 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,966 Where is she going at this hour? 176 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,735 Maybe there's a third guy, and she's cheating on Brad. 177 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,003 What? 178 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,839 Isn't that how you'd play it? 179 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,508 Follow her. 180 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,277 * Men... 181 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:51,712 CHARLIE: Catch up. 182 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:53,614 Catch up. You're gonna lose her. Relax. 183 00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:55,749 This is not the first woman I've surreptitiously followed 184 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,818 while honoring the letter of a restraining order. 185 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,190 Oh. Looks like she's heading for Malibu. 186 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,992 Who does she know in Malibu? 187 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,293 No idea. 188 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,961 (engine sputtering) 189 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,830 What the hell is that? Oh, damn. 190 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,298 I'm out of gas. 191 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,667 How could you be out of gas? I don't know. 192 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,604 I just put three dollars in the other day. 193 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:17,905 Three dollars? 194 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:21,609 Actually $2.50. I bought a Milky Way. 195 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,343 Oh, crap! 196 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,880 All right, we'll just have to call Triple-A. 197 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,348 Um... 198 00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:30,350 You don't have Triple-A? 199 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,419 It costs, like, $49 a year. 200 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,421 Charlie, I gas up three dollars at a time! 201 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,790 Great! Just great! 202 00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:37,991 Do you have Triple-A? 203 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,861 I have Mercedes Gold Platinum Valet 204 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,062 something or other. 205 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,764 So? Won't they come and help us? 206 00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,132 Let's see. 207 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,802 Will Mercedes come out to put gas in an '89 Volvo? 208 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,504 I'll call them to ask. 209 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,908 You're actually waiting for me to call, aren't you? 210 00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:57,745 No. 211 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,413 (sighs) Come on. 212 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,382 We'll just have to hoof it. 213 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,585 What, I'm supposed to leave my car abandoned 214 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:05,619 on the side of the road? 215 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,120 What if somebody tries to steal it? 216 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,589 Good thinking. 217 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,291 Leave the keys, gas money, and a thank-you note. 218 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:15,596 Spoken like someone with insurance! 219 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,999 * Men... 220 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,902 (sighs) (groans): Oh... 221 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,871 My feet... are killing me. 222 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,405 Well, that's what you get 223 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,541 for wearing those expensive Italian loafers. 224 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,176 They're just not made for walking. 225 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,378 You're right. 226 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,216 Hi, Charlie. 227 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,250 Chels? 228 00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:38,451 Hey, Uncle Charlie, 229 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,688 you look like a '70s porn star. 230 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:44,792 I'm guessing. 231 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,294 * Men... 232 00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,364 * Men... 233 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,200 What are you doing here? 234 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,002 I needed to talk to you. 235 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,170 Okay. What's up? 236 00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,139 Um... 237 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,440 Oh, uh, come on, Jake. 238 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,075 Let's give them some privacy. 239 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:05,613 Why? Do you think they're gonna do it on the couch? 240 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,652 Okay, here it is. 241 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,223 Seeing you tonight made me realize 242 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,158 how much I miss you. 243 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,359 Really? 244 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,695 Do you miss me? 245 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,331 Oh, yeah, he's been crying like a little girl. 246 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,033 Will you go away! 247 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,401 What? I'm on your side. 248 00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:32,305 Well, I can see nothing's changed around here. 249 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,708 Well, just that you're gone. 250 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,076 And-and yes, I do miss you, 251 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,879 and I have been crying like a little girl. 252 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,313 Good. 253 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,984 So, what have you been up to? 254 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,519 Not much. How do you like living 255 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,989 with your dad and his boyfriend? 256 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,323 It's a little weird. 257 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,424 I can imagine. 258 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,794 Two old Navy guys shacking up. 259 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,030 The walls are pretty thin. 260 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:00,668 Every night I'm hearing: 261 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:03,336 (deep voice): "Up periscope, down periscope." 262 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,008 "Launch the torpedo." 263 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,509 Enough idle chitchat. 264 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,511 What's the deal with you and Brad? 265 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:13,513 He's great, but... 266 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,215 it's just not the same. 267 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,085 Have you two, uh...? 268 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,152 No. 269 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,553 Oh. 270 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,056 (chuckles quietly) 271 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,326 Wipe that smile off your face. 272 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,428 You wipe it off. 273 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,635 You're gonna have to do better than that. 274 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,544 One question. Yeah? 275 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,179 What was with the mustache? 276 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,881 When I'm out with Alan, 277 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,383 I don't like people to recognize me. 278 00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,755 Hey, they are doing it on the couch. 279 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,191 * Men. 280 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,393 So what's the deal with Uncle Charlie and Chelsea? 281 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,494 Are they back together, 282 00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,263 or was that just a booty call? 283 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,133 What do you know about booty calls? 284 00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,101 In theory, everything. 285 00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:12,840 Aw, crap. 286 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,441 What? 287 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,076 Just a little disappointed. 288 00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:19,112 I saw Chelsea's car outside. I didn't see yours. 289 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,983 She spent the night, 290 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,684 but we don't know if they're back together 291 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,653 or if they were just scratching the old itch. 292 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,123 What do you know about the old itch? 293 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,624 It's intercourse, Dad. 294 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,127 Why do we play these games? 295 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,131 Good morning, all. 296 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,599 Morning. Morning. 297 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,175 What? 298 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,509 Come on. Give. 299 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,511 There's nothing to give. 300 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:54,381 She came by, said she misses me, spent the night. 301 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,416 Yay. 302 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,518 So is she moving back in? 303 00:11:58,585 --> 00:11:59,987 Is the wedding back on? 304 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,823 Or was it just making the beast with two backs? 305 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:07,060 What is wrong with you?! 306 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,930 I'm at an awkward age. 307 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:13,166 Morning, everyone. 308 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,067 Morning. Morning. 309 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:15,335 Hey, you want coffee? 310 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,537 Actually, I have to get home and change for work. 311 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,306 Oh, okay. Can we talk? 312 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,041 Sure. 313 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,110 Oh, that's never good. 314 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,277 How do you know? 315 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,513 That's what Mom said to you. 316 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,682 So I'm thinking, you grab some things 317 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:30,984 from your dad's for tonight, 318 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,921 and then we move all of your stuff back this weekend. 319 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,156 Charlie, I'm not coming back tonight. 320 00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,157 Why not? 321 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,691 Last night was good, right? 322 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:42,195 It was great, but it doesn't solve our problems. 323 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,731 Sure solved mine. 324 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,800 It's not that I don't love you, 325 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,202 but I'm still not sure that we have a future together. 326 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,072 Chelsea, you're really freaking me out here. 327 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,373 I've got to go. 328 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,608 Come on. Wait. 329 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,077 Oh, I found your mustache. 330 00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,245 Where was it? 331 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,514 Where do you think it was? It was stuck to my ass. 332 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,021 * Men. 333 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,727 Hey. 334 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,663 Hey. 335 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:19,199 Feel like talking? 336 00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:22,202 No, I do not. 337 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,270 Understandable. 338 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:27,374 You got to admit you're in a better place now 339 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,775 than you were this time last night. 340 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:32,112 I mean, 24 hours ago, 341 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,681 the woman you love was on a date with another man. 342 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,816 But presto-change-o, she wound up 343 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,186 spending the night with you. 344 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,854 Of course, come the morning, 345 00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:44,557 once again, she dropped you like a lead turd. 346 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,827 Sorry. 347 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,563 You didn't want to talk. 348 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,038 Me, I'm just the opposite. 349 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:01,174 When I get my heart broken, I have to talk. 350 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,409 You cannot shut me up. 351 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,978 Yakkity-yak-yak-yak-yak. 352 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,717 Sorry. 353 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:18,391 I've tried to be the strong, silent type, 354 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,427 but... it's just not who I am. 355 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,996 I mean, not to mention there's physical manifestations 356 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,464 to bottling up your feelings. 357 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:27,567 I mean, constipation, migraines. 358 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:31,871 Or it goes the other way: gas, diarrhea. 359 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,207 You just cannot predict it. 360 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,609 It's kind of an emotional crapshoot. 361 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,778 (snickers) 362 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:46,119 Crapshoot. 363 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,855 That just came to me, right off the top of my head. 364 00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,690 (snorting laugh) 365 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,259 Got it. 366 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,198 But you are lucky. 367 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,501 You've got your music to express your feelings. 368 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,972 I mean, you could play the blues, for instance. 369 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:09,376 (scatting blues riff) 370 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,944 * My baby done left me 371 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,382 (scatting blues riff) 372 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,217 * She ain't coming back 373 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,889 (scatting blues riff) 374 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:25,792 What's going on? 375 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,827 * I'm smothering your daddy. 376 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:30,030 (scatting blues riff) 377 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,067 * Men. 378 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,274 (elevator bell dings) 379 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,943 I'm just saying it seems like every time 380 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,946 it's my turn to pick up the crap, he's got the runs. 381 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,382 Well, stop feeding him chili. 382 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,552 Oh, hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie. 383 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:53,886 Hey, Tom, Ed. 384 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,088 Are you looking for Chelsea? 385 00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,424 No, he came to see two old queens 386 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,458 walking a dog. 387 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,861 Who are you calling a queen, Elizabeth? 388 00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,230 TOM: She's not here, Charlie. 389 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,332 She went to dinner with that Brad guy. 390 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,566 Oh. 391 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,201 You want to come in, have a beer? 392 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,003 Nah, I don't want to bother you guys. 393 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,338 Don't be silly. Come on. 394 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,839 Okay, thanks. 395 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,676 You had to tell him she's with Brad? 396 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,811 What, I'm supposed to lie? 397 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,647 No, but you can dummy up. 398 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,482 I mean, look at the poor bastard. 399 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,887 I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. 400 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:28,988 "I wasn't thinking." 401 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,790 That should be your middle name. 402 00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:34,561 Don't be getting in my face when I'm holding a bag of poop. 403 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,232 I'll grab some brews. 404 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,069 Chelsea told me about last night. 405 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,070 I don't understand it, Tom. 406 00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,704 I thought we were back together. 407 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,107 Yeah, well, you can't make sense out of a woman. 408 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,776 They're like beautiful puzzles with missing pieces, 409 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,811 or a great book with no ending, 410 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,780 or like my old man used to say, 411 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,915 "They're all friggin' nuts." 412 00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:58,951 I don't know what to do. 413 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,421 Should I leave her alone? Should I pursue her? 414 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:04,157 If I might chime in. 415 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:07,494 I would say that stopping by unannounced, 416 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,196 with some liquor store flowers, 417 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,864 sends up a rather desperate flare. 418 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,700 I know, I know. 419 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,069 I just couldn't sit home and do nothing. 420 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,537 I keep turning it over in my mind. 421 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:18,805 What did I do wrong? 422 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,307 What could I have done differently? 423 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,042 Man, how many times did I ask myself that question 424 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,444 when I was married? 425 00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:25,545 Me, too. 426 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,447 What have we got between the two of us-- 427 00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:28,915 something like 80 years of marriage? 428 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,285 Let's see-- I was with Beth for 38, 429 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,455 and you were with Martha for 40, 41... 430 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,724 I didn't need you to actually do the math. 431 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,825 Don't bark at me. 432 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,427 I'll beat the snot out of you. 433 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,062 Bring it on, mister. 434 00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:45,565 Maybe I should go. 435 00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:46,799 No, no, no, sit down. 436 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:47,867 Finish your beer. 437 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,236 We're just sparring. 438 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,238 I love this broken-down son of a bitch. 439 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,406 Oh, for God's sake, don't gay it up 440 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,907 in front of company. 441 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:56,776 Now you listen to me, young man, 442 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,345 in the final analysis, 443 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,913 it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. 444 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,549 You want Chelsea back? 445 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:05,318 You've got to make her miss you like you did last night. 446 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:06,819 And she's not going to miss you 447 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,555 if you're squatting in her living room 448 00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,524 with those sad-ass petunias. 449 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,594 So, what, I'm supposed to just go about my business 450 00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,329 hoping that one day she shows up 451 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,597 and says, "I'm back"? 452 00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,899 Or you can do like me and Ed did. 453 00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:22,435 Change teams. 454 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:26,005 A lot easier living with a man than a woman. 455 00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,107 Tom and I watch the same TV shows. 456 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,609 We like the same food. 457 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,778 You don't have to leave the room to fart. 458 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,815 You don't have to, but it sure would be a nice idea. 459 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,420 Okay, well, thanks, fellas. 460 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,855 This was real helpful. 461 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:43,923 We're always here for you, Charlie. 462 00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,425 Thank you. 463 00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,026 And don't tell Chelsea I stopped by. 464 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,161 I wouldn't dream of it. 465 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,862 And remember what we told you: 466 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:50,897 lay low for a while. 467 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,165 Run silent, run deep. 468 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:53,900 There you go. 469 00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,672 Well, what do you think? 470 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,710 Watch Sports Center and then fool around a little? 471 00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:07,914 You, uh, you need to take a Viagra? 472 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,016 You're my Viagra, baby. 473 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,819 Ah, that's so sweet. 474 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,754 Just for that, you can hold the remote. 475 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,992 * Men. 476 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,697 * Men. 477 00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:25,732 Hey. 478 00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:27,934 Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. 479 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,168 Just grabbing a water. 480 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,570 No, no, no, it's fine. 481 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,305 Come on. Join me. 482 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,445 Really? 483 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,813 Yeah, sit down. 484 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,316 Okay. 485 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,287 (sighs) 486 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,922 Listen, uh, 487 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,626 I want to apologize for... you know... 488 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,329 Trying to kill me with a pillow? 489 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,265 It was horseplay. 490 00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,267 Don't make a big thing about it. 491 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:03,370 What I'm saying is that I know you were trying to cheer me up, 492 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,705 and I appreciate it. 493 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:09,542 Thank you. 494 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:13,780 I realize that I give you a hard time about living here, 495 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,214 but frankly, 496 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:19,586 it's probably a good thing to... 497 00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,388 have you around. 498 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,392 Wow, Charlie. 499 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:28,661 That means so much to hear you say that. 500 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,963 Well... 501 00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:36,168 I do... I do love you, buddy. 502 00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,541 (voice breaking): And I love you, too. 503 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,277 I know, I know. 504 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:47,580 I don't want this moment to ever end. 505 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,150 Okay. 506 00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,853 I mean it. I am not letting go. 507 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,055 Well, you're gonna have to, 508 00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:57,890 'cause it's starting to get a little weird. 509 00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,526 We don't need women. 510 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,160 We've got each other. 511 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:05,598 All right, you brought this on yourself. 512 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,735 Don't worry. I'll wait for you on the other side.