1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:02,370 * Men. 2 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:06,074 Mmm, oh, and here's another money saver: 3 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,809 If you buy a big bag of irregular socks, 4 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,144 you can pair up the good ones 5 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,580 and use the cash you save for underwear. 6 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,616 Good to know. 7 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,319 And you can use the leftover misfit socks 8 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,755 for dusting gloves, golf club cozies, even a hand puppet. 9 00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,557 A hand puppet? 10 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:27,328 Oh, sure, couple of buttons for eyes, and you're ready to go. 11 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:28,596 Hello, pretty lady. 12 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,798 That's funny. 13 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,074 So, you done the Internet dating thing before? 14 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,710 All the time. Oh, and if you're interested, 15 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:45,346 I know a couple of tricks to weed out the losers. 16 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,781 I'm very interested. 17 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,352 Hey, how are ya? 18 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,321 Hi. 19 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,422 Oh, you know him? 20 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,556 No. 21 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,526 Oh, talking to strange women. 22 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,361 Must be drunk. 23 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,430 Anyway, my profile says that I am a chiropractor, 24 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,598 but I also do a lot of holistic work, you know 25 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,668 acupressure, deep tissue massage, 26 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,538 both of which promote a general sense of well being 27 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:14,708 and also a heightened sexual sensitivity. 28 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:15,309 (chuckles) 29 00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,744 Assuming, of course, 30 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:21,682 your sexual sensitivity requires heightening. 31 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:26,154 I have absolutely no intention of sleeping with you, Alan. 32 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,489 Whoa, whoa, where'd that come from? (chuckles) 33 00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,458 I'm just talking about my job. 34 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,925 Making conversation. 35 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,961 And when you say "absolutely no intention," 36 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,496 you just mean tonight, right? 37 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:39,933 Um, you look like you could use another one of these. 38 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,635 You're a mind reader. 39 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,070 Uh, excuse me, 40 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,006 but, uh, I'm with this lady, 41 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,741 and if she would like another drink, 42 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,910 I am more than capable of providing one. 43 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,913 But the dinner's still dutch. 44 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,349 What's your name? 45 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,417 Uh, Louanne. 46 00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:57,751 Hi, Louanne, I'm Marcus. 47 00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,487 All right, all right, 48 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,621 fun time's over. 49 00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,456 Look, Marcus, the lady is on 50 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,359 a date with me, and you are intruding. 51 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,261 Why don't we ask the lady what she wants? 52 00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,331 Not necessary. I can tell you what she wants and it's not me. 53 00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,467 But there is a principle involved 54 00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:14,702 and that is one 55 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,669 of poaching another man's gal. 56 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:16,737 Is that so? 57 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,272 Yes, that's so. Now take a hike. 58 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,007 Why don't you just sit down and finish your peanuts? 59 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,041 Don't you touch me! 60 00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:23,177 Hey, hey, calm down. 61 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,078 You're right, you're right. 62 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,914 We should just, uh, take a deep breath 63 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,848 and calm down. 64 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,350 That's a good idea. 65 00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:33,454 So, what are you doing after Potsie here drops you off? 66 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,388 Hey, Marcus? 67 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,994 How's that, bitch?! 68 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,199 * Men. 69 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,402 What are you doing in there? 70 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,371 Be patient. 71 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,539 I got you a surprise. 72 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:52,873 You hear that? 73 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,443 She got us a surprise. 74 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,278 (phone rings) 75 00:02:57,345 --> 00:03:00,214 You gonna grab that? 76 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,584 You'll have to be more specific. 77 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:04,818 Answer the phone, Charlie. 78 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,521 Right, right. 79 00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:08,956 Hello? 80 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,359 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. 81 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,494 Who is this? 82 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,595 Oh, hi, Alan. 83 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,464 Not a good time right now. 84 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,799 Really? 85 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,435 What the hell are you doing in jail? 86 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:24,037 You're kidding me. 87 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,806 That's hilarious! 88 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,308 (laughs) 89 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:30,578 All right, all right, I'm on my way. 90 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,446 What do you think? 91 00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:37,318 Doing-oing-oing-oing! 92 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:40,053 I was gonna save it for our wedding night, 93 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,289 but I couldn't wait. 94 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,957 Oh, baby, by the time we get married, 95 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,893 that thing's gonna be half-eaten. 96 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,931 Who was on the phone? 97 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:51,765 Alan. 98 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,467 Everything all right? 99 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:57,104 Yeah, he was just callin' to say he wouldn't be home tonight. 100 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,472 Oh, did he get lucky? 101 00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:02,943 Not yet, but the night is still young. 102 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,579 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 103 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:09,317 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 104 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,252 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 105 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,288 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 106 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,590 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 107 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,827 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 108 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:25,566 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 109 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,373 * Men. 110 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,641 Ten hours! 111 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:37,478 Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell! 112 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:40,681 You shouldn't have peed yourself. 113 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,216 You said you'd be right there! 114 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,386 Look, look, I understand your anger, 115 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,488 but you gotta see it from my side. 116 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:48,322 What's your side? 117 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,392 I get really sleepy after sex! 118 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:52,893 What's going on? 119 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,462 Oh, your gallant fiancé 120 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,297 let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night. 121 00:04:57,365 --> 00:05:00,801 What? 122 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,070 I've been there plenty of times. 123 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,005 You slip the booking officer a $20, 124 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,440 he'll send out for Starbucks. 125 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,377 You know I don't carry that kind of cash. 126 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,545 Regardless, it was just one night. 127 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:14,214 Nobody took your man cherry, did they? 128 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,951 Was that why Alan called last night? 129 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,421 Uh... I assume so. 130 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,555 Oh, Charlie. 131 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,024 Hey, hey, you had that sexy lingerie on 132 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,559 and you were so beautiful, 133 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,794 plus you know how 134 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,496 I hate to waste an erection. 135 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:31,098 I can't believe you abandoned your brother when he needed you. 136 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,433 It's horrible. 137 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,768 How did I become the bad guy in all this? 138 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,803 He's the felon! 139 00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,538 Why were you in jail, Alan? 140 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,441 I was forced to use my hands to defend a lady's honor. 141 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,476 Ask him what happened to the lady. 142 00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,646 She drove the guy I punched 143 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,748 to the emergency room. 144 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,683 I don't understand. Why would she go with him 145 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:50,951 if you were defending her honor? 146 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,420 Who knows? I would've asked her, 147 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,389 but I was busy being handcuffed and dragged off to jail! 148 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:58,526 Where I spent the night covering my behind with a food tray. 149 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:03,664 Shame on you, Charlie Harper. 150 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:06,567 Now she's mad at me. 151 00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:07,300 Happy? 152 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,669 Oh, yeah, I'm thrilled! 153 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:11,772 If my transsexual biker cell mate had only been 154 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:17,411 a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect! 155 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,380 * Men. 156 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,450 I don't know. I just snapped and hit him. 157 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,452 It's the first time in my life that's ever happened. 158 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,354 You mean it's the first time you've ever won. 159 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,958 The important thing now is for you to know 160 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,093 that your family is a hundred percent behind you. 161 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,628 Thanks, Mom. 162 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,565 Now, before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, 163 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,768 how much jail time are we talking about 164 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,836 if you just roll over? 165 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,638 I don't want to go to jail! 166 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:47,140 And if he does, he certainly doesn't want to roll over. 167 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:49,977 Charles, that is crude and uncalled for. 168 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:50,778 Thank you. 169 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:51,845 You're welcome. 170 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,914 Nobody wants to go to jail, 171 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,516 sweetie, but let's face it, 172 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,418 if all we're talking about is 60 days alone in a room 173 00:06:58,486 --> 00:07:01,221 with no friends, how is that different from two months 174 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,790 squatting in your brother's house? 175 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,025 You're kidding, right? 176 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,394 I guess. 177 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,096 You know what? Don't worry yourself. 178 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,932 I'll just get a public defender and take care of this myself. 179 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,567 There you go, problem solved. 180 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,568 Charlie? 181 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,504 What? Some kid out of law school 182 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,572 hungry to make his bones. What's wrong with that? 183 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,775 He gets his hair cut by trainees at the barber college. 184 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,579 Alan, I'd be happy to help you hire a lawyer. 185 00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,548 Oh, no, Chelsea, I couldn't take money from you. 186 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,382 That's an honor he reserves for family. 187 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,385 So, what, you guys really aren't gonna help him? 188 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,854 Well, of course we are. 189 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,789 But if we didn't torture him a little bit, 190 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,825 he wouldn't feel comfortable accepting our help. 191 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,259 You don't know that. Try me! 192 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,962 I'll tell you what. I'll find the lawyer, 193 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,531 and we'll split the fee. 194 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,967 Not fifty-fifty, 'cause I'm out six years of room, 195 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,536 board and incidentals. 196 00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:52,472 And by incidentals, I mean mostly Kleenex and hand lotion. 197 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,908 Oh, please, I paid 198 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,778 for four years of college and chiropractor school, 199 00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:01,281 and he still gives me handmade tchotchkes for Christmas. 200 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,751 You said you loved the pot holders I made you. 201 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,786 I said they made me cry. 202 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,322 Okay, okay, okay, fifty-fifty. 203 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:12,459 But we'll put it on my card so I get the miles. 204 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,562 I can't believe you two. 205 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,865 That's okay, Chelsea, I'm used to being treated this way. 206 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:21,401 The mocking, the insults, the humiliation. 207 00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:25,939 It's all part of the festering ugliness of this family. 208 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,713 See? He's fine with this. 209 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,951 * Men. 210 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,386 Thanks for coming, you guys. 211 00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:40,754 Your support means a lot. 212 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,755 Thank her. 213 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,456 If it was up to me, 214 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,594 you'd be in San Quentin wearing lipstick and a mop wig. 215 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,095 Okay, Mom, I gotta go. 216 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,630 No, I love you. 217 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:50,564 Okay. What? 218 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,232 No, you're not bothering me. 219 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,401 I'm happy to take care of it. Okay. 220 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,736 Okay, bye-bye. 221 00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:57,771 Sorry. I just bought my mom a new computer, 222 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,673 and it's opened up quite a can of worms. 223 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:03,143 Ironic. I just bought my mom a can of worms. 224 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,145 Brad Harlow. 225 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,413 Are you Alan? 226 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,148 No, no, no, I'm his brother Charlie. 227 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,583 This is my fiancée Chelsea. 228 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:13,887 And this pasty-faced jughead is the family Rottweiler. 229 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,522 I just want it on record 230 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,358 that I am not by nature a violent man. 231 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:19,459 My fuse is long, 232 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,130 but it is attached to dynamite. 233 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,898 Shut up. 234 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,566 I'm payin' by the hour. 235 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,035 Would you two just stop it. 236 00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,436 I'm sorry. 237 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:31,238 That's all right. I have siblings, too. 238 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,741 We tease each other constantly. You know, sometimes I think 239 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,309 it's just easier than saying "I love you." 240 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,382 Okay, well, I got some good news for you, Alan. 241 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:45,152 Hey, when's the last time you heard that? 242 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,687 I made some calls, 243 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,521 and the fella you punched has 244 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,990 quite a few alcohol-related priors, 245 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,892 and is definitely not looking to press charges. 246 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,593 So I don't have to go back to jail? 247 00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,128 You won't even see the inside of a courtroom. 248 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,363 Oh, thank God! 249 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,733 I can't go back to the joint again. 250 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,235 All right, great, we're off the clock. 251 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:03,637 What do I owe you? 252 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,673 Eh, relax, you don't owe me anything. 253 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,741 Even better. Thank you. 254 00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:10,978 Charlie. We... we have to pay you for your time. 255 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,280 Oh, you hippie. 256 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,115 Well, uh, 257 00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,550 well, you can always make a donation to my charity. 258 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,220 What's that, Lawyers Without Yachts? 259 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,722 (laughs) 260 00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:23,223 No... 261 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,758 no, it's for inner city kids. 262 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,526 They come out to my ranch once a month, 263 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,262 you know, learn to ride horses, get out in the fresh air. 264 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,764 Oh, that's wonderful. 265 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:31,564 I love horses. 266 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,565 I used to ride all the time. 267 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,267 Shall I write you a check? 268 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,069 No, no, no, no, I got it. 269 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,838 Who do I make it out to? 270 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,072 Danielle's Darlings. 271 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,140 Who's Danielle? 272 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,041 My late wife. 273 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,042 Oh, I'm so sorry. 274 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,410 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 275 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,879 I started the charity to keep her memory alive. 276 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,614 She loved horses. 277 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,753 Crap. That's another zero. 278 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,656 There you go. 279 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:59,026 Wow. This is incredibly generous. 280 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,193 Thank you. 281 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,062 You're very welcome. 282 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,234 You know, we're having a nature ride and barbecue 283 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,869 for the kids this Saturday. 284 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:09,737 You should come. 285 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,571 Really? That sounds wonderful. 286 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,106 Doesn't it, Charlie? 287 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,776 Do the kids race the horses? 288 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:16,944 What? 289 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:17,978 No. 290 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,079 There's no action? 291 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,680 No action. 292 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,515 I don't see the point. 293 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,218 He's just joking. 294 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,453 No, I'm not. 295 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,021 I really don't see the point. 296 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,623 Well, if you change your mind, here's the info. 297 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,359 We'd love to see you. 298 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,861 Thank you. Maybe we will. 299 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:35,796 Great. Yeah, maybe. 300 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,869 Thanks very much, Brad. 301 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,070 Always nice to bring good news to a client. 302 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:44,404 And the best news is, 303 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,339 I think having a criminal record is really spice up 304 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,175 my online dating profile. 305 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,709 I might even post the mug shot. 306 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,313 * Men. 307 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,784 * Men. 308 00:11:58,485 --> 00:11:59,987 Wasn't Brad terrific? 309 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,756 Who's Brad? 310 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,859 Alan's lawyer. 311 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,328 Uh, he's okay, I guess. 312 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,662 You guess? 313 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,365 Not only does he have a successful law practice, 314 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:16,770 he's doing so much to help poor kids. 315 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,439 What, by sticking them on horses? 316 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:20,974 How's that going to help? 317 00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,210 Get them a high paying job with the pony express? 318 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,045 It's not about jobs. 319 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,914 It's about getting them out of the city 320 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,281 and into the fresh air. 321 00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,017 Fresh air? 322 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,852 Have you ever smelled a horse? 323 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,753 You know what I mean. 324 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,256 And did you hear the way he talked about family? 325 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,624 They obviously mean a lot to him. 326 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,593 Family also meant a lot to Charles Manson. 327 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,730 That's a terrible thing to say. 328 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,966 Sorry. 329 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,502 Hey, speaking of horseback riding-- 330 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,172 why don't you hop on and I'll race you to the finish. 331 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,574 You know what, I'm not really in the mood. 332 00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,210 That's okay. I've got enough mood for both of us. 333 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,279 Good night, Charlie. 334 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,750 But Charlie's a frustrated pony. 335 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,652 Go to sleep. 336 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,995 I was pretty charitable today. 337 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,429 Mm-hmm. 338 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,698 I guess the spirit of giving 339 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,368 doesn't extend to the bedroom, huh? 340 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,503 Good night, Charlie. 341 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,238 (nickering) 342 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,142 * Men. 343 00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,113 Hey. Hey. 344 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,482 Can't sleep? 345 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:37,417 Nope. 346 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,952 Me neither. 347 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,854 Even though I dodged the legal bullet, 348 00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,924 I've got all this stuff building up inside me. 349 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,426 I'm afraid I'm going to explode. 350 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,696 I'm afraid I won't. 351 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:54,201 The other night in that bar, I just snapped. 352 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,703 It was like I became a different person. 353 00:13:56,769 --> 00:14:00,307 Well, that had to be a nice break for you. 354 00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,410 I'm scared, Charlie. 355 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,413 I mean, there was a part of me that really enjoyed 356 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:09,382 driving my fist into that jerk's stupid face 357 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,352 and watching him crumble to the floor in agony. 358 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:13,553 So what are you scared of? 359 00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,723 What if this is just the beginning? 360 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:20,127 What if I've awakened some long-dormant monster 361 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:24,097 inside of me who revels in violence? 362 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:28,068 What if I can't control the monster? 363 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,506 What if the monster takes over? 364 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,044 Ouchy! 365 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,215 You're fine. Go to bed, monster. 366 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,617 Okay, good night. 367 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,089 * Men. 368 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,425 What happened to your hand? 369 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:55,095 Oh, well... 370 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,097 I won't lie to you. 371 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,066 I got into a bar fight 372 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,900 and punched a guy in the face. 373 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,071 Yeah, right. 374 00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,606 No, I'm serious. I spent the night in jail. 375 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,308 Fine, don't tell me. 376 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,610 I was just trying to make conversation. 377 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,079 Hey, I am warning you. 378 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,913 There is a monster inside of me 379 00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,748 and you don't want to wake him up. 380 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:18,185 Oh! Oh! Hot, hot. 381 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,690 Did the monster burn his mouth with his chamomile tea? 382 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,994 It's oolong. 383 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,428 Where's Chelsea? 384 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,397 She went to that charity thing 385 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,799 for inner city horses. 386 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,106 You let her go without you? 387 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:41,308 Why the hell would I want to go? 388 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,443 I hate kids and I'm scared of horses. 389 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,278 Maybe you didn't notice the way my lawyer 390 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,780 was looking at your fiancée. 391 00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:48,848 What are you talking about? 392 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,218 Or the way she was looking back at him. 393 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,086 That's ridiculous. 394 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,721 I'm telling you, there were definitely sparks 395 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,889 between the two of them. 396 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,391 You think? 397 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,394 Charlie, that guy is everything you're not. 398 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,296 Well, what's that mean? 399 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:08,035 He likes people, he loves his mother, 400 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,003 he works with children 401 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,304 and he doesn't stumble through life 402 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,206 stinking of whiskey and KY Jelly. 403 00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,909 Hey, hey, hey, KY Jelly is odorless. 404 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,411 Not where you put it. 405 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:25,285 I'm just saying that if Chelsea were my fiancée, 406 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,154 I wouldn't leave her alone with this guy. 407 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,355 If Chelsea were your fiancée, 408 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,989 you'd have bigger problems. 409 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:30,990 Like what? 410 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:34,394 Like being the last man on Earth. 411 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,863 * Men. 412 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:40,533 I don't understand why I have to go to this thing. 413 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,569 Because your uncle wants to use you 414 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,104 to camouflage his growing fear 415 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,106 that his girlfriend might be interested in another guy. 416 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,175 Hey, hey, hey. I have no fear. 417 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,476 Of course not. 418 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:50,810 You just got a sudden craving 419 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:52,212 for barbecue and horses. 420 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,148 Whoa, there's gonna be barbecued horses? 421 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,151 Cool. 422 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,221 Where the hell is this lawyer's stupid ranch? 423 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,855 You must have passed the turnoff. 424 00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,424 Maybe we should put the GPS back on. 425 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:05,958 I don't need the GPS. 426 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,895 GPS: Take the next legal U-turn. 427 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:13,433 Then proceed 22 miles to main road. 428 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,801 Okay, turn around. 429 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,802 There's no room. 430 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:16,803 Well, then back up. 431 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,004 22 miles? 432 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:19,706 Just till you find a place to turn. 433 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,708 I'm hungry. 434 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,176 We're almost there. 435 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,678 I don't think so. I'd smell the barbecue. 436 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,847 Jake, would you pipe down 437 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,749 so I can concen...? 438 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:32,219 Oh, damn. 439 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,754 You have reached your destination. 440 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,256 (sniffs) 441 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,825 I don't think so. 442 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,194 * Men. 443 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,697 Un-freakin'-believable. 444 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:45,998 Still no signal. 445 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,267 Well, of course, there's no signal. 446 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,935 We're in the middle of nowhere. 447 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,370 I'm starving. 448 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,005 What do you want from me? Go catch a squirrel. 449 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,707 This is why I always tell you 450 00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,376 to keep an emergency kit in your car. 451 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,644 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 452 00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,113 No matter what happens, I know that in my trunk 453 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,949 is a thermal blanket, flashlight, batteries, 454 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,518 bottled water and assorted protein bars. 455 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,719 You hear that, Jake? 456 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,722 You have an inheritance. 457 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:13,993 I already ate the protein bars. 458 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,030 You were right, Alan. 459 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,200 The more time Chelsea spends with this Brad guy, 460 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,634 the more time she's going to have to contrast and compare. 461 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,504 And I'm not going to come out of that looking so good. 462 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,373 If you're really worried about her being attracted 463 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,074 to a better man than you, 464 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,876 why don't you become a better man? 465 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,812 (mocking tone): Why don't you become a better man? 466 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,315 Yeah, like that. 467 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,486 * Men. 468 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,728 You guys think there are mountain lions up here? 469 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,664 Hadn't given it much thought. 470 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,733 Till just now. 471 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,504 Relax. There's no mountain lions here. 472 00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,309 You know, this is where it normally goes bad 473 00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,043 in slasher movies. 474 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:07,214 One guy falls back a little bit, 475 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,616 usually to smoke pot or have sex, 476 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,351 and he gets his head hacked off. 477 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:14,854 Let that be a lesson to you about drugs and premarital sex. 478 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,824 Good parenting, Alan. Thank you. 479 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,594 (growling) 480 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,297 ALAN: Mountain lion! Mountain lion! Run! Run! 481 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:30,136 Oh, crap! Hey, guys wait up! 482 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,372 (screaming) 483 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,980 Psych. 484 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,950 * Men. 485 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,754 * Men. 486 00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,364 I can't believe you really thought I was a mountain lion. 487 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,831 Go to your room. 488 00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:02,068 You're punishing me just because you're gullible? 489 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,870 Yeah, pretty much. 490 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,741 (Jake growling) 491 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,810 Still not funny! 492 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,449 Chelsea's not home. 493 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,451 How could she not be home yet? 494 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,086 That thing was over hours ago. 495 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,221 Are you worried she might be cheating on you with Brad? 496 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:25,592 No, I was thinking car trouble, but thanks for that. 497 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,695 Sorry. 498 00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,564 Look, Chelsea and I have been together for over a year now. 499 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,300 We're engaged to be married. 500 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,035 What are the odds she's going to leave me for some lawyer 501 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,405 just because he's kind, rich, handsome, generous, 502 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:41,140 loves his family and named a charity after his dead wife? 503 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,175 I don't know, even money? 504 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,545 At least. 505 00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:49,649 So ten bucks just to make it interesting? 506 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:53,019 (slap) ALAN: Ouchy!