1 00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:03,971 * Men. * 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:07,708 Hey, you got anything special going on next week? 3 00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:11,112 Well, let's see... next week. 4 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:14,282 I like to keep Mondays free for hangovers. 5 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,784 Tuesday, I was planning on getting a haircut, 6 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,519 mani/pedi and a facial. 7 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,521 You know, guy stuff. 8 00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,791 Wednesday, I have a meeting with my business manager 9 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,793 to discuss my retirement plan. 10 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,329 And, as you know, Thursday and Friday 11 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,499 are kind of my "me" days. 12 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,167 Why do you ask? 13 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,203 I was thinking, since I have a couple days off, 14 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,305 we could fly to Illinois and visit my parents. 15 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,040 Oh. 16 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,909 I mean, you've only met my mother once, 17 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,344 and you've never met my dad. 18 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,445 That's true. 19 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:45,613 And I'd really like him 20 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:47,181 to get to know you before the wedding. 21 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:48,216 Of course. 22 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,118 Although, sometimes with parents, 23 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,820 I'm better served up as a surprise. 24 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,855 Don't be silly-- he'll love you. 25 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,657 And I'm sure I'll love him. 26 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:59,260 So, good, we'll fly out. 27 00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,429 Illinois, here we come. 28 00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:02,563 I love you so much. 29 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,998 I love you, too. 30 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,066 Good night. 31 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:08,068 Good night. 32 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:18,045 Oh, darn it. What? 33 00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:21,515 I just remembered I have an appointment next week. 34 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,451 Doctor's appointment? 35 00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:24,918 Yes. 36 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,554 Yes, a doctor's appointment. 37 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,356 Is everything okay? Oh, yeah. 38 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,925 Yeah, just a routine procedure I've been putting off. 39 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,162 What do you mean, like a colonoscopy? 40 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,229 Yes, exactly. 41 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,198 A colonoscopy. 42 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,435 Oh, Charlie, you can't put that off. 43 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:42,403 No, no. No. 44 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,971 I want to meet your dad. 45 00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:46,307 I've been putting off getting a colonoscopy for years. 46 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,441 Forget it, mister. 47 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:48,742 You're keeping that appointment. 48 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,678 But what about meeting your dad? 49 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:51,879 We'll do it another time. 50 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,147 Are you sure? 51 00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:55,383 Your health is the most important thing. 52 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,451 I know how you procrastinate. 53 00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,153 I do, don't I? 54 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:03,524 Boy, what would you do without me to take care of you? 55 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,493 Well, I'm pretty sure 56 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:09,197 I wouldn't be getting a colonoscopy next week. 57 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,434 * Men. * 58 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,637 (music playing on TV) 59 00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:18,572 Hey. 60 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,774 Hey. 61 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,429 You're not going to believe what I just did. 62 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,733 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 63 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:49,303 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 64 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,240 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 65 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,342 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 66 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,744 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 67 00:02:56,810 --> 00:03:00,047 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 68 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:04,885 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 69 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,559 * Men. * 70 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,628 All right, let me see if I've got this straight. 71 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,898 In order to not spend time with your fiancée's parents, 72 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,000 you're willing to let a doctor 73 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,035 snake a camera up your keister. 74 00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:27,107 I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature. 75 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,844 But, fortunately, it won't be necessary. 76 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,746 Oh, how do you figure? I have a plan. 77 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,549 Oh, a plan. 78 00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,084 The day of the "procedure," 79 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,453 you're going to pretend to drive me to the "hospital." 80 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,754 But we're not going to the hospital. 81 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,122 Precisely. 82 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,157 What we'll actually do is go to the movies. 83 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,494 Then, afterwards, we'll go out for a couple of drinks, 84 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,029 so when I get home, I'll be appropriately woozy. 85 00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:50,764 And I'll tell Chelsea 86 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,833 that my colon is clean as a whistle. 87 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,436 You know, a whistle that you swallowed, 88 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,237 then blew out your bunghole. 89 00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,873 Sure. 90 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,375 And then, she'll put me to bed. 91 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,143 I'll get some "Oh, poor Charlie" sex, 92 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:06,146 with her being ever mindful of my tender area. 93 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:07,915 Wow. 94 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,950 This is a new low, even for you. 95 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,352 Now, now, to be fair, 96 00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,587 it's only a new low in this relationship. 97 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,022 True. True. 98 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,324 Can I pick the movie? 99 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,358 Fine. 100 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:18,559 Do I get snacks? 101 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,861 Yes. 102 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,262 I'm paying for everything. 103 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,365 Why do we continue to play this game? 104 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,967 Because I still have my pride. 105 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,268 No, you don't. 106 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,005 Charlie, you okay? 107 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,073 Uh, yeah, yeah. 108 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,375 I was just reminding Alan 109 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,477 that he has to take me in for my colonoscopy. 110 00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:38,278 Oh, that's not necessary. I'll take you. 111 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,482 No, no, no, no, no. 112 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:43,584 No, I don't want you wasting your time off 113 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,918 in a doctor's waiting room. 114 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,720 Don't be ridiculous. I'm driving you. 115 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,155 Now, come back to bed. 116 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,195 Good plan. 117 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,433 * Men. * 118 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,200 No, no, no, no, no. 119 00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,769 You don't understand. 120 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:05,105 I need a colonoscopy, and it has to be next Wednesday. 121 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,578 Yes, I'll hold. 122 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,847 Can you believe it? 123 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,316 Their hold music is "Tunnel of Love." 124 00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:18,519 It's better than "Brown Eyed Girl." 125 00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:21,822 Oh, God, I hope I can get an appointment. 126 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:24,224 Maybe you should grease a few palms. 127 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:27,060 If it was me, I'd be greasing everything. 128 00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:29,463 Yeah, hi. 129 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,064 Well, great, great. 130 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,666 Wednesday, 8:00 a.m. 131 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:33,701 Thank you, thank you. 132 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,302 You've made me very happy. 133 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:40,273 Yeah, I imagine you don't hear that too often. 134 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,742 What? 135 00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:42,910 Yeah, fine, fine. 136 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,978 I-I-I won't eat on Tuesday. 137 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,981 What do you mean, flush out my system? 138 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,385 Oh, ick. 139 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,955 All right, I'm a little less happy now. 140 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,524 Good-bye. 141 00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:59,192 You won't believe what they want me to do. 142 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,361 You mean taking laxatives and drinking a half gallon 143 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,931 of industrial strength Colon Blow? 144 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:07,067 Oh, right, you've done this before. 145 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,502 It seemed funnier then. 146 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:13,541 I got to tell you, it seems pretty funny now. 147 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:15,743 Why don't you just tell Chelsea the truth? 148 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,846 What, that I'd rather get violated by a long metal tube 149 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,180 than spend time with her folks? 150 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:22,049 Somehow, I don't see her taking that 151 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,117 in the spirit in which it was intended. 152 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,986 True, true. 153 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,088 Well, I've said it before, 154 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:31,058 and I think I need to say it again. 155 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,993 Good plan. 156 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,031 * Men. * 157 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,734 Why isn't Uncle Charlie eating? 158 00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,637 He has to fast before he goes to the doctor's tomorrow. 159 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:44,137 Is he okay? 160 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,372 Oh, yeah. 161 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,007 He's just getting a routine test. 162 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:47,875 They're taking a look at his intestines. 163 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,242 How do they do that? 164 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,211 Well, what they do is, they take a tiny camera 165 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,946 and put it on the end of a tube... 166 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,748 Why don't we eat first? 167 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,049 Good idea. 168 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:59,286 (grunting, sighing) 169 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,294 Well, I'm happy to report 170 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,262 I just saw a piece of Hubba Bubba 171 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,599 I swallowed in fifth grade. 172 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,903 Oh, for God's sake, Charlie, we're having dinner. 173 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,437 Don't rub it in. 174 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,008 Speaking of which, I'm out of baby wipes. 175 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,844 I bought you two boxes of baby wipes. 176 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:25,012 What can I tell you? 177 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,080 Babies don't crap like this. 178 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,020 At least not healthy babies. 179 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,188 There's a jar of aloe vera under the sink. 180 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:36,957 What am I supposed to do with that? 181 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,291 Oh, you put a little glob 182 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,193 on the end of your finger... Alan! 183 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,631 It's cooling and soothing. 184 00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:44,632 Oh, good, good. 185 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:45,799 'Cause let me tell you-- 186 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,636 you could roast a marshmallow on my anus. 187 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,206 You know what'd be good for dessert? 188 00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:55,809 S'mores. 189 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,650 * Men. * 190 00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:06,186 How come I'm not loaded? 191 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,021 They're supposed to get me loaded 192 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,222 before they do it, right? 193 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,158 Yes. They'll hook you up to an IV 194 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,693 right before the procedure. 195 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,695 All right, just so we're all on the same page, 196 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,697 I want to be stone-cold out before anything goes in. 197 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,265 I'll tell them. 198 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,335 All I get is a glass of wine and a "pretty please." 199 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,237 All right, Mr. Harper, we're ready. 200 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,439 Did you bring the drugs with you? Oh, no, sir. 201 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,975 The anesthesiologist takes care of that. 202 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,543 Good luck. Thanks. 203 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,645 By the way, since we couldn't make it to Illinois, 204 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,414 I'm flying my parents in to stay with us for a week. 205 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,249 What? 206 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:39,953 Enjoy your colonoscopy, you lying dirtbag. 207 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,421 You knew? 208 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,823 I knew. 209 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:45,993 I'll give you $1,000 to push me to the parking lot. 210 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,195 * Men. * 211 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,132 * Men. * 212 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,534 How are you feeling? 213 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:57,337 Like a new fish at Leavenworth. 214 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,472 Oh, don't be so dramatic. 215 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,474 Good news is, you have a clean bill of health. 216 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,544 Yes, but I lost my watertight seal. 217 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,480 Yes, but you have peace of mind. 218 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,417 Yes, but now I can't wear white at our wedding. 219 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:16,657 (noisemakers blaring) 220 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,728 Yay, no polyps! 221 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,429 Way to go, Uncle Charlie. 222 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,631 Now you know how it feels. 223 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,466 Thanks for calling ahead. 224 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,636 There's the happy couple. 225 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,837 Welcome home. 226 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,639 Charlie, you remember my mother, Martha. 227 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,340 And this is my father, Tom. 228 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,775 Good to see you again. 229 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,543 You, too. 230 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,846 Nice to finally meet you, Charlie. Nice to meet you. 231 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,848 Uh, not much of a grip. 232 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,517 But you're probably a little weak from your anal probe. 233 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,223 Didn't make me stronger. 234 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,593 Isn't this great, Charlie? 235 00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,829 Because you couldn't go see them, Chelsea's folks 236 00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:58,766 dropped everything to come spend time with you. 237 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,467 Yeah. It's great. 238 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,704 Isn't it funny how plans work out? 239 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,607 Hey, I found some steaks in the freezer. 240 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,476 Thought we'd have a little barbecue. 241 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:11,044 Oh, Dad, he has to eat light for a while. 242 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,445 Oh, please. 243 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:15,716 He's been treated like a girl enough today. 244 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,318 He's not wrong. 245 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,388 I'm never wrong about what a man needs. 246 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,856 (sniffs) Good golly. 247 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,558 What's that fruity smell coming from your head? 248 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,260 It's an apricot conditioner. 249 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,361 It keeps my hair from getting frizzy 250 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,697 with all the humidity. 251 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,533 Oh, we need to get some meat in you, pronto. 252 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:39,006 Tom's always on guard against the homosexual agenda. 253 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,677 No offense. 254 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,182 * Men. * 255 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,218 You're a great cook, Tom. 256 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,453 Well, I always say, 257 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,222 a man's gotta be self-sufficient. 258 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,623 I agree. 259 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,591 All I need is booze, satellite TV and a housekeeper 260 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,293 and I could survive in a cave. 261 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,764 You know, if it were air-conditioned. 262 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:06,166 I gotta ask you something, Charlie. 263 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,267 Okay, I admit it. 264 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,401 I slept with your daughter. 265 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,436 But don't worry, 266 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:10,637 I'm still going to marry her. 267 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,539 Damn straight, you are. 268 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:16,043 Which brings me to my question. 269 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,478 When a man gets to be your age and he's never married, 270 00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,280 it's usually for one of two reasons. One... 271 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,815 He's really lucky. 272 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,385 You're right, not funny, go on. 273 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:26,820 What I'm tryin' to say is, 274 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,156 when a man gets to be 40 and he isn't married, 275 00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,191 he's either a rascal or a poof. 276 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,026 Interesting. 277 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,561 So? So what? 278 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,829 So which one are you? 279 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:39,800 Uh... actually, there's a third choice. 280 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:40,633 What's that? 281 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,635 Well, sometimes it takes a while 282 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,105 for a man to meet his soul mate, 283 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,006 like I finally met your daughter. 284 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,808 Soul mate? Yep. 285 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,509 So, poof. 286 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,445 Oh, just kiddin'. 287 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:55,482 How are my two favorite fellas doing? 288 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,416 We're just fine, princess. 289 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,051 I just cleaned the grill 290 00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:59,887 and now I'm givin' your beau here a grillin'. 291 00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,955 Well, stick a fork in me, 'cause I think I'm done. 292 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:05,092 Sorry, honey, my dad's always been a little overprotective. 293 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,760 Well, I have to be. 294 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,496 When it comes to men, you've always had a rotten picker. 295 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,166 No offense. I'm sure you're the exception. 296 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,002 I'm glad you're sure. 297 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,204 Dad, why don't you go see how mom's doing. 298 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,605 Oh, good idea. 299 00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,740 She's jet-lagged and still pretty wound up 300 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,943 over having a Colored pilot. 301 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,547 What can I say? 302 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:30,150 Mommy and Daddy are horrible bigots? 303 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:33,186 But they're my parents, and I gotta love 'em, right? 304 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,587 You're askin' the wrong guy. 305 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,556 Look at them though. 306 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,558 42 years together 307 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,560 and they're still best friends. 308 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:41,728 Well, let's face it. 309 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,730 Who else would have them? 310 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,233 At least they don't lie to each other. 311 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,268 Okay, I get it. 312 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,569 I lied about the colonoscopy. 313 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:52,172 Trust me, I've been punished enough. 314 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,907 I'm just saying, if our marriage is going to last, 315 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:55,175 we have to make a commitment 316 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,476 to always be honest with each other. 317 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,811 You have my word. 318 00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,712 You've given me your word before. 319 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,883 Well, then you'd be silly to take it again, wouldn't you? 320 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,319 What? I'm being honest. 321 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,456 So, how are you liking Los Angeles? 322 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,624 Well, the weather's lovely. 323 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,093 Oh, it is, isn't it? 324 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,897 What we don't care for are the freeways and Mexicans. 325 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:21,468 Yeah, yeah, they-they do get congested. 326 00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:24,804 I think it's all the cheese they cook with. 327 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,611 How's everybody getting along out here? 328 00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,413 Oh, everything's fine, dear. 329 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,614 Remember what we talked about? 330 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,617 No politics, religion or what have you. 331 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,953 You don't have to tell me twice. 332 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,689 I'm not a Polack. 333 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,961 Hey, Charlie, when we drove in, 334 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,796 I noticed a tavern down the road. 335 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,631 How about you and I go out for a drink? 336 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,100 Get to know each other a little better. 337 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,002 Uh... sure, I guess. 338 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,469 Although, if you're on the fence about me now, 339 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,638 alcohol isn't going to really improve my chances. 340 00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:01,341 I think it's a terrific idea. 341 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:02,842 You boys have fun. All right. 342 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,844 I'm buying. 343 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,650 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going? 344 00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:12,852 He said he's buying. 345 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,291 Who would have thought that the best part of my day 346 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,560 would be having a colonoscopy? 347 00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,762 * Men. * 348 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,499 To my future son-in-law. 349 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,700 Down the hatch. 350 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,136 Considering my day, 351 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,971 it'd be more like "up the hatch." 352 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,973 Cheers. 353 00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:38,778 So, Alan, Chelsea tells me you're a chiropractor. 354 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,114 I imagine you give a great back rub. 355 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:43,616 Uh, well, I do, but there's a lot more involved than that. 356 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,618 I like back rubs. 357 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,788 But I need strong hands on me. 358 00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,790 Martha's got these little parrot claws, 359 00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:53,060 can't get deep in the muscle. 360 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,694 Let me see what you got. 361 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,697 Hmm. No calluses. 362 00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,967 I prefer the feel of calluses. 363 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:02,269 If you want to see calluses, 364 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,137 check the inside of his right palm. 365 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:07,307 (men giggling) 366 00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:08,976 Look at that. 367 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,844 You don't see that where I come from. 368 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:12,812 Oh, come on, 369 00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:14,147 there's no gay people where you live? 370 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:17,150 Of course there are, but they got their own bar. 371 00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:19,186 Little place called "The Log Cabin." 372 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,320 On Forrester Street. 373 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:21,888 Right next to the A&W. 374 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,494 (playing on jukebox): * Yes, I'm on my way... 375 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,962 Amazing that people in California 376 00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,131 can behave that way in public. 377 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,200 Well, we kinda believe in live and let live. 378 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,567 Oh, that's baloney. 379 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,936 I believe in the sanctity of the family, 380 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,938 marriage between a man and a woman. 381 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:41,641 * Yes, I'm on my way... 382 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:44,911 But, damn, those fellas do look happy. 383 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:48,581 Probably 'cause in California they can't get married. 384 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,320 Really, really happy. 385 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,494 * Men. * 386 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,696 (laughs) Down the hatch. 387 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,599 Looks like my future father-in-law 388 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,668 has made some new friends. 389 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,870 Yeah. I'm a little confused. 390 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,542 I don't think you're the only one. 391 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:19,212 * Do you really want to make me cry. * 392 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,714 Oh, I love that song. 393 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,416 I hit it out of the park 394 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,618 on karaoke night at the VFW. 395 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,987 Chelsea didn't tell me you're a vet. 396 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,322 Yeah, Navy. 397 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,790 Submarine Corps. 398 00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,960 Oh, six month tours under the polar ice cap. 399 00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,729 Nothing to do but lift weights, shoot the bull 400 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,565 and enjoy the company of other men. 401 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,367 Six months with just men? 402 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,568 Not just men. 403 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:42,569 Young men. 404 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,071 Hard men. 405 00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:49,209 And the hardest of them all was Edward Boyton, 406 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,211 Seaman Third Class, 407 00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:52,945 and my best pal. 408 00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:57,650 1966, we were in the Philippines for a week of R & R, 409 00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,619 and we bought matching shirts. 410 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,788 Of course you did. 411 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,924 Oh, I remember one night, 412 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,927 it was real hot and humid. 413 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,596 I can still see the wet silk 414 00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:13,066 clinging to his magnificent body. 415 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,868 Did you see this coming? 416 00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,470 Uh-uh. 417 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:21,007 Then after we did our hitch, we both went our separate ways, 418 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:22,842 got married, raised kids. 419 00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,744 We still exchange Christmas cards 420 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:25,678 and family photos every year. 421 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,180 Terrific. Great, great. Okay. 422 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,550 Why don't we drink up and go home. 423 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,852 He's still in great shape. 424 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,755 65 years old and solid as a rock. 425 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,790 He lives in Valencia. 426 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,692 Hey, how far is that from here? 427 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:40,860 Not so far. 428 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,229 It's right next to Magic Mountain. 429 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:43,696 It's far, Alan. 430 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,232 Real far. 431 00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,100 Right, right, it-it's far. 432 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,068 Come on, let's get you home to your lovely wife. 433 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:52,139 Oh, she means well, but she doesn't understand me. 434 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:56,243 Well, you're obviously a complicated man. 435 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,644 Now, come on, 436 00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,112 we've got a big day tomorrow. 437 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,514 Universal Studios, then Grauman's Chinese Theatre... 438 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,416 I want to go to Valencia. 439 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:04,451 Okay, we'll pencil it in. 440 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,518 See if we have time. 441 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,553 I want to go now! 442 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:07,987 I want to see Ed! 443 00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:11,191 Yeah, but Ed is probably asleep. 444 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:13,360 You know, with his wife. You want to know a secret? 445 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,694 No, no, that's okay. Don't ask, don't tell. 446 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,028 That's our philosophy. 447 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,030 I brought my silk shirt 448 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,032 and a VHS copy of Ice Station Zebra 449 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,235 just in case, but shh. 450 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,239 ALAN: You know who was great in that movie? 451 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,241 Rock Hudson. Shut up. 452 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,478 * Men. * 453 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,619 You guys have fun? 454 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,788 Oh, yeah. 455 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,592 My dad's really something, isn't he? 456 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,727 Uh-huh. 457 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,862 Kind of a man's man. 458 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:52,165 You could say that. 459 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:55,435 TOM: I'm telling you, Martha, I can't live this lie anymore! 460 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:56,769 MARTHA: You're drunk! 461 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,438 Now come to bed. No! 462 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,006 It's a bed of lies! 463 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,842 I love Edward Boyton and he loves me! 464 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,077 What the hell is happening? 465 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,414 I don't know, but I have a feeling 466 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,649 your dad's going to Magic Mountain tomorrow. 467 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,485 * Men. * 468 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,823 * Men. * 469 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:21,961 Hey. 470 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,796 You get your mom on the plane okay? 471 00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:25,365 Yeah. 472 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:26,499 How's she doing? 473 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,301 Pretty shook up. 474 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,270 It's not every day your husband tells you 475 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:33,606 he's leaving you for a 65-year-old man. 476 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,908 What bothers her more, 477 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,311 that her marriage is over or that her ex-husband 478 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:41,548 is now promoting the homosexual agenda. 479 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,683 I'm not in the mood, Charlie. 480 00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:45,452 You took my dad to the hotel? 481 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,086 Yeah. Yeah. 482 00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,456 I met this Edward Boyton he's been talking about. 483 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,590 Nice guy. 484 00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:51,924 Oh, yeah? 485 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:54,093 Black guy. 486 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,298 Really? 487 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:01,301 Can I be the one to tell your mom? 488 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,537 I'm going to go lay down. 489 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:06,606 Hey, Chels? 490 00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,007 What? 491 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:10,477 Given everything that's gone down with your dad, 492 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,812 I'm off the hook on the whole lying to you 493 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,647 about the colonoscopy thing, right? 494 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,849 Right. 495 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:54,287 Isn't it nice when things work out?