1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:03,137 * Men. * 2 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:06,140 * Oh, the weather outside is frightful * 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,576 * But the fire is so delightful * 4 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,280 * And since we've no place to go * 5 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:15,483 * Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. * 6 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:18,486 Snow, sleet, rain, sun, 7 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,589 you've still got no place to go. 8 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,358 (in Dickensian accent): Which is why I'm grateful 9 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,560 for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge. 10 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,064 Speaking of generosity, 11 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,066 check out what I got Chelsea. 12 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,534 Diamond earrings. Nice. 13 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,703 Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints 14 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:37,305 about stuff she wanted. 15 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,673 But I wasn't really listening, so I got her these. 16 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,875 How romantic. Will she be joining us for dinner? 17 00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,177 I think so. 18 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,213 She's out doing some last minute shopping. 19 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,449 Or something with work, again, I wasn't really listening. 20 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,352 Why did you mail me a letter? 21 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:54,355 Oh, I decided to send out a Harper Christmas Newsletter. 22 00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,757 You know, keep everybody updated on all things Harper. 23 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,326 You're kidding. 24 00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,660 (in Dickensian accent): Don't worry, governor, 25 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,929 I didn't mention your ongoing battle 26 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,632 with the demon rum. 27 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,602 (sighs) 28 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,640 "As this wonderful year draws to an end, 29 00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:15,209 "I send this note to family and friend. 30 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,845 "So thankful are we for blessings galore. 31 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,847 "Like Charlie's fiancée-- 32 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,850 a lady, not a whore." 33 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,752 Keep reading. 34 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,554 (sighs) 35 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:29,223 "And young master Jake is growing like a weed. 36 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,460 He makes us all proud, not a waste of my seed." 37 00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:35,529 Keep going, keep going. 38 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,531 "He tried his darnedest in every class. 39 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,368 And made tenth grade by the skin of his ass." 40 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,170 And, see, I put in a little drawing 41 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,604 of an elf with his pants down. 42 00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,506 What the hell's the matter with you? 43 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:46,740 You're a grown man. 44 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,376 Oh, come on, people love this stuff. 45 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,343 Read, read. 46 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:50,844 (sighs) 47 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,747 "And our sweet mother Evelyn had a small operation. 48 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:57,050 Her secret garden needed rejuvenation." 49 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,086 Secret garden? 50 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,054 Find a rhyme for vulva. 51 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,258 I dare you. 52 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,693 (sighs) 53 00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,695 "And what about the author of this Christmas poem? 54 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:10,498 "He's healthy and happy in his beautiful home. 55 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,800 "And while some might argue that he's just a leech, 56 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:15,569 it bothers him not, he lives at the beach." 57 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:20,374 "Happy Holidays from the Happy Harpers." 58 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,376 What do you think? 59 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:25,179 You're sad, pathetic, lonely and blue. 60 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:28,382 If I gave a rat's ass, I'd worry about you. 61 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,130 (with pirate voice): Expecting rough weather, Captain? 62 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,065 What? 63 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,302 (normal voice): What you looking at? 64 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,837 Uh, nothing. 65 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,038 Really? 66 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,673 So the beautiful girls playing volleyball 67 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:54,975 completely escaped your eye? 68 00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,844 I see 'em, you perv. 69 00:02:56,910 --> 00:03:01,181 The little hottie in the tank top is checking you out. 70 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,550 I know. 71 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,918 Now please go away. 72 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,855 Why don't you go down there and talk to her? 73 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,056 I can't. 74 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:09,757 Why not? 75 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,492 I got a girlfriend. 76 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:14,828 Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters in your room girlfriends. 77 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,930 No, I'm talking about Celeste. 78 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,599 I'm in a committed relationship. 79 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:21,068 What are you talking about? You're 13. 80 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:22,303 I'm 15. 81 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,137 Who cares? 82 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,674 You're too young for a committed relationship. 83 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,642 I'm 40 and I'm barely ready. 84 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,843 You're 42. 85 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,846 What is it with you and numbers? 86 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,682 Let me ask you something-- 87 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,183 where is Celeste right now? 88 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,752 She's spending Christmas with her mom in Brentwood. 89 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,188 So what, your life just stops when she's gone? 90 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,456 That's the deal we made. 91 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:47,027 Listen to me, if you want to go talk to the beach girl, 92 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,363 you've got every right to do so. 93 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,631 Are you sure? 94 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,734 I don't think so. 95 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:54,802 Don't worry about it. 96 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:55,903 Just go talk to her. 97 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,237 Can I borrow ten bucks? 98 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:58,005 Why? 99 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,340 If she shoots me down, 100 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,241 then I can go buy a couple corn dogs. 101 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,411 She's not going to shoot you down. 102 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,346 Yeah, but now I got a taste for corn dogs. 103 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:07,047 Just go. 104 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,417 What if she wants a corn dog? She's about to meet one. 105 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,484 Now get out of here. 106 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,121 Do I look okay? 107 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:17,458 Jake, she waved at you. She smiled. 108 00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:20,160 Clearly her standards aren't that high. 109 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,830 Right. Thanks. 110 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,537 When did I turn 42? 111 00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:34,274 Son of a bitch. 112 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:37,411 Hey, I'm an organ donor. Good for me. 113 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:40,348 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 114 00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:43,751 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 115 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,887 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 116 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,256 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 117 00:04:49,323 --> 00:05:03,471 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... * 118 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,540 * Men. 119 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:10,043 Hey, Berta, merry Christmas. 120 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,945 Thank you, Charlie. 121 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,381 You're very generous. 122 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,015 Well, I just want you to know 123 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,450 that I appreciate all your hard work. 124 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,753 And I appreciate you pretending I work hard. 125 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,790 Hey, you feeling lucky? 126 00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:23,957 What do you got in mind? 127 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,493 My Christmas bonus-- 128 00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:28,596 double or nothing that Zrbnck makes the field goal. 129 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:29,663 Are you crazy? 130 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,031 That's 52 yards. 131 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,766 He hasn't made one that long all year. 132 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:33,901 I got a hunch. 133 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,235 You got a bet. 134 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,404 ANNOUNCER: There's the snap. 135 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,405 The kick is up. 136 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,939 It's long enough, but wide. 137 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,441 It's no good. 138 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:43,043 Zrbnck's missed another one. 139 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:45,546 Well, happy birthday, Jesus. 140 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,651 Told ya. 141 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:51,985 No biggie. 142 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,087 Easy come, easy go. 143 00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,489 Sorry. 144 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,558 Looks like the grandkids are getting 145 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,693 beef jerky and Lotto scratchers this year. 146 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,765 Here. 147 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,199 You're too kind. 148 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,234 Don't mention it. 149 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,636 You got a big heart. 150 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:09,970 Thank you. 151 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:13,807 Double or nothing they don't make the first down. 152 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,843 Hey. 153 00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:16,810 Oh, hey. Where you been? 154 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,311 Out on the beach. 155 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,513 So, how'd it go? 156 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:20,681 Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda. 157 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:21,782 No, no, no, no, no. 158 00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:24,017 You don't bring the grape soda to her. 159 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:25,786 You bring her to the grape soda. 160 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:26,654 Her who? 161 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:27,354 Hang on. 162 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:28,422 You bring her here. 163 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,790 She sees your beautiful house. 164 00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,592 She thinks you've got it going on, 165 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,527 and then you've got a shot at... 166 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,198 Well, I don't know what you got a shot at, but you got a shot. 167 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,367 Whoa, whoa, catch me up. 168 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,902 Do you see what I'm saying? 169 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,170 So I should bring her here? 170 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,838 Absolutely. 171 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,806 Women love this house. 172 00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,240 It's an aphrodisiac. 173 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,610 I don't think she's afro anything. 174 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,246 She's more like Chinese. 175 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,415 Wait, who's Chinese? What's going on? 176 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,284 He met a girl on the beach and I'm helping him out. 177 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,352 What about Celeste? 178 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,789 Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop just 'cause she's not around. 179 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,858 So you're encouraging my son to cheat on his girlfriend? 180 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,660 Oh, come on, there's no cheating going on. 181 00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,295 Are you cheating? I'm not sure. 182 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,096 You're not cheating. 183 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,664 Yes, he is. 184 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,466 How would you feel if Celeste was somewhere right now 185 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,534 flirting with some other guy? 186 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:14,935 How do you know she's not? 187 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,003 She's with her mom. 188 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,705 And you're with your dad, 189 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,840 but that's not stopping you, is it? 190 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,041 Good point. 191 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,910 No, no, it's a lousy point. 192 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,513 Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect. 193 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,114 Oh, grow up. 194 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,117 Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra. 195 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,554 Now go take the young lady her grape soda. 196 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,055 I still think it would help 197 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,357 if I had some corn dog money to flash around. 198 00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:38,992 Go. 199 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,062 Shame on you. 200 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,931 What's the big deal? 201 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,033 It's not like he and this Celeste girl are sleeping together. 202 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,902 No, no, but I think that once a relationship reaches any physical level, 203 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,638 there's an implied commitment. 204 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,006 Yeah, that's because you married the first girl 205 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,108 who touched your wiener. 206 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,844 Not true. 207 00:07:56,910 --> 00:08:00,280 The first girl who touched my wiener was Maxine Chernakoff. 208 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,550 And she refused to marry me. 209 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:09,122 As did the blind girl at camp, the school nurse 210 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:13,160 and crazy cousin Wendy. 211 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,262 * Men. 212 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,667 I hope you're proud of yourself. 213 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,935 I'm more proud of him. 214 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,804 I mean, he actually got her back here 215 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:24,972 without hitting her over the head 216 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,874 and stuffing her in a burlap sack. 217 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:29,543 Pretty girl. 218 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,011 Yep. 219 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:33,046 You'd think she'd have more self-esteem. 220 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,984 Hey, Jake may be dull-witted, but he does have 221 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,086 a certain je ne sais quoi with the ladies. 222 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:42,856 Well, maybe six years of picking his underwear up with a rake 223 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,958 has made me immune to his charms. 224 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,095 Hey. 225 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:51,264 Hey. Nice work talking her into coming back here. 226 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,733 I didn't really talk her into it. 227 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,301 She had to pee. 228 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:57,671 Yeah, but you gave her the grape soda that made it happen. 229 00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,708 Now, Jake, you're just hanging out 230 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,375 with this girl, right-- as friends? 231 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,977 So far. What does that mean? 232 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,213 It means I haven't made my move yet. 233 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,280 What move? 234 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,649 I'm not sure. 235 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:09,850 That's why I haven't made it yet. 236 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,020 Anyways, I don't think it's going to get serious. 237 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:13,821 She doesn't even live here. 238 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,488 She doesn't? 239 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,925 No, she's just in town for the holidays visiting her aunt. 240 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,628 She pronounced it "awnt," but I figured it out. 241 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:25,198 Oh, dude, you have hit the jackpot here. I have? 242 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:28,669 This girl is most likely looking for a hot story 243 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,070 to tell her friends back home, 244 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,105 and you, you cute, little, clueless bastard, 245 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,174 can be the star of that story. 246 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,008 Really? 247 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,243 Yes, so stop wasting time. 248 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,045 What are you even doing in here? 249 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,814 I had to fart, and I didn't want to do it in front of her. 250 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:44,584 Attaboy. Good thinking. 251 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:47,354 I thought it was you. I thought it was you. 252 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,588 (doorbell ringing) 253 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,523 Oh, that must be Mom. 254 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,092 Mom? What's Mom doing here? 255 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,761 Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie. 256 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:57,330 I know. Why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville? 257 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,870 Merry Christmas, one and all. 258 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,137 Hello. Hi, Mom. 259 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:07,407 Boys, this is the legendary TV producer 260 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,942 Mr. Marty Pepper. 261 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,210 Hi. Hello. 262 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,445 (loudly): Marty, these are my sons, 263 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,147 Charlie and Alan. 264 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,284 Is it important which is which? 265 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,519 Not really. 266 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:22,222 Would you help me with the wheelchair? 267 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,224 I'll call you Scooter. 268 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:28,495 And you, uh, Dutch. 269 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,064 Uh, Mom... 270 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,433 are, uh, are you and he, um...? 271 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,601 Oh, good Lord, no. 272 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,403 The man is 1,000 years old. 273 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,840 It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels. 274 00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:42,475 So he's just a friend? 275 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:43,944 Yes. 276 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:47,180 And I just couldn't let him spend Christmas Eve alone-- 277 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,516 rattling around his 25,000 square foot 278 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,319 Beverly Hills mansion, with adjoining guest house, 279 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,922 Olympic size saltwater pool and home theater. 280 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,157 There it is. 281 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,226 Are you really this hard up for a listing? 282 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:02,696 Alan, it's a $60-million home. 283 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:05,065 My commission will be almost $2 million. 284 00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:07,434 How much did you make last year? 285 00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:11,304 Welcome to our home, Mr. Pepper! 286 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,306 What are you shouting for? 287 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,809 I'm incontinent, not deaf. 288 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:16,944 Sorry. 289 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,478 What? 290 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,482 Have an Abba Zaba, Marty. 291 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:23,751 Thank you. 292 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:27,154 Did I ever tell you I knew Lucille Ball? 293 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,455 Yes, you did, dear. 294 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,258 You know, she wasn't a real redhead. 295 00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,226 Ask me how I know. 296 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,895 Warning: it's dirty. 297 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,596 (clicks tongue) 298 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:40,667 Uncle Charlie, I think Celeste knows I'm seeing another woman. 299 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,769 What? Why? 300 00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,003 She's texting me. 301 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,071 What are you talking about? 302 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,405 Nothing, nothing. 303 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,374 Jake has a shot at some out-of-town strange. 304 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,409 You see how he is corrupting your grandson? 305 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,244 Come on, Alan. 306 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,880 It's out-of-town strange. 307 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,049 Do you really have a shot? 308 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,117 I don't know. 309 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,418 Uncle Charlie seems to think so. 310 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,388 Tell her you wanna get her her own sitcom. 311 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:03,023 Never fails. 312 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,157 (text alert plays) 313 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,359 There she is again. What do I do? 314 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,461 Just text her back, "Thinking of you." 315 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,930 Which you are, so you're not lying. 316 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,231 Good, that's good. 317 00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,466 Okay, this may be your house, but this is my son. 318 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,268 Yeah, and you've been living here seven years, 319 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:19,006 which makes us a common-law couple, which makes him our son. 320 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,975 Homos with a kid. 321 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,344 A great idea for a sitcom. 322 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,213 (text alert plays) 323 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,480 It worked. She wrote back, 324 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:28,681 "Merry Christmas, I miz you." 325 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,351 Then write back, "I miz you, too." 326 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,586 Man, you are good. 327 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:36,689 Look at that. 328 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,192 Our little boy is growing up. 329 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,362 How would you feel about us having another child? 330 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,031 * Men. 331 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,701 (piano playing "Jingle Bell Rock") 332 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,638 * Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock * 333 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:55,042 * Jingle bells swing and jingle bell ring * 334 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:59,546 * Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun * 335 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,749 * Now the jingle hop has begun * 336 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,886 * Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock * 337 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:09,789 * Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time * 338 00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:13,526 * Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square * 339 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,263 * In the frosty air 340 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:20,600 * What a bright time, it's the right time * 341 00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:24,537 * To rock the night away * 342 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,807 * Jingle bell time is a swell time * 343 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:31,144 * To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh * 344 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:34,547 * Giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet * 345 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,217 * Jingle around the clock... 346 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:38,886 Alan? 347 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,988 * Mix and mingle with the jinglin' feet * 348 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,589 Alan? 349 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,959 * That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell... * 350 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,061 Alan?! 351 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:01,274 40 years ago you asked for a little brother for Christmas. 352 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,744 Happy? 353 00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:08,815 * That's the jingle bell rock! * 354 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,455 Could somebody move me? 355 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:19,326 My chestnuts are roasting by this open fire. 356 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,794 Is that you? 357 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,932 I thought Alan burned the ham. 358 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,004 Berta, don't you wanna spend Christmas with your family? 359 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,673 Do you wanna spend Christmas with yours? 360 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,209 Let me freshen your drink. 361 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:41,548 What is that fragrance you're wearing, my dear? 362 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,217 Ben Gay and foot powder. 363 00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:49,089 Whatever it is, it's making me hot. 364 00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:51,358 Turkey's almost done. 365 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,293 Aren't you gonna put on some nice clothes? 366 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,428 Why? It's just gonna be you, me, 367 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,997 Chelsea, Berta, Mom 368 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:59,432 and the ghost of showbiz past. 369 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:00,667 And Jake. 370 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,701 No, Jake split. 371 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,070 What? 372 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,704 He's hangin' with his new girlfriend. 373 00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:05,838 Where? 374 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,374 Her aunt's house. 375 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,276 I think they got the place to themselves, 376 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,111 so he might get a little, you know, 377 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:12,379 peace on Earth tonight. 378 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,682 How do you make everything sound dirty? 379 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,384 Hey, I took the high road. 380 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:20,353 I coulda gone with "Come, all ye faithful." 381 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,955 (sighs) 382 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,456 He needs to be home. 383 00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:24,557 Oh, come on, Alan. 384 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,193 He's got a real shot with that girl. 385 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,228 I don't care. It's Christmas Eve. So? 386 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,797 So if I can't get laid, nobody gets laid. 387 00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:31,898 Yeah, Jake, this is your father. 388 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,233 Whatever you're doing, 389 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,468 I want you to stop it and get your ass home. 390 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,304 What's he doing? Is he decking her hall? 391 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,540 Shut up! 392 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,442 Right now, mister! 393 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:46,013 Fine, bring her back here if you want. 394 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,148 Yes, there's still pie left. 395 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:50,017 (doorbell rings) 396 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,087 What are you lookin' at? 397 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,595 How would you like to have your own sitcom? 398 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,498 Hi. Is Jake home? 399 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:06,633 Um, I don't know. 400 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,468 Sorry to intrude, but Celeste wanted 401 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,603 to give Jake his Christmas present. 402 00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:11,671 Please come in. 403 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:13,306 Aw, crap. 404 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:15,808 Wow, check out the mom. 405 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,077 Forget the mom. 406 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,478 We gotta get rid of 'em 407 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,247 before Jake walks in here with another girl. 408 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,814 Yeah, yeah, good idea. 409 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:25,318 Uh, hi, hi. I'm, uh, Alan, Jake's divorced father. 410 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,720 Keisha, Celeste's mother. 411 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,222 Her mother? 412 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,823 Oh, please, you look like her sister. 413 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:31,991 You're sweet. 414 00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:33,660 And single. 415 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,328 Where's Jake? 416 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,365 Uh, um, uh, uh... 417 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:42,302 Actually, he's, uh, distributing corn dogs 418 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,204 to the homeless tonight, 419 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,074 But we'll make sure he gets your gift. 420 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,108 Thanks for stopping by. 421 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:49,376 Merry Christmas. 422 00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:52,779 Jake? 423 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,115 Oh, hi. 424 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,383 Who's this? 425 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:59,586 Um... I don't know. 426 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,124 Who's she? 427 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,025 Uh... Uncle Charlie? 428 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:09,296 I don't know what to tell ya, pal. 429 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,564 It happens. 430 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,866 You said you didn't have a girlfriend! 431 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,102 He doesn't! 432 00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,469 Would you like some eggnog? 433 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,505 You've got to be kidding. 434 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,808 You want some pie? 435 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,110 You are such a liar! 436 00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,744 Why all the yelling? 437 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:25,645 What's going on? 438 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,713 Uncle Charlie just ruined my life. 439 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,014 What? 440 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,282 He said it was okay to see other girls 441 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,918 as long as my girlfriend wasn't around. 442 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,520 Really? 443 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:34,887 Is that what you believe? 444 00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:37,590 No, no, not at all. 445 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,392 He completely misunderstood me. 446 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:40,793 Merry Christmas! 447 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,729 Yeah, right. 448 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,732 Nice going. 449 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,504 Would you like a lick? 450 00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:53,940 Not of that. 451 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,808 * Men. 452 00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,113 ("Sleigh Ride" playing) 453 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:08,988 You want to take your hand off my leg? 454 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,957 I certainly do not. 455 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,633 Love you. 456 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,835 Yeah. Who do you love when I'm not around? 457 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,339 Hey, Uncle Charlie? 458 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:29,108 You really suck, you know that? 459 00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,077 Yeah, I've been told. 460 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,447 Listen, Jake, would it be creepy for you 461 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:37,049 if I called Celeste's mom? 462 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,319 Are you insane? 463 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,788 Think about it. 464 00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:47,126 Here you go, sweetie, bite-size, easy to chew. 465 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,665 Marty? 466 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:53,633 Oh, God! Marty? 467 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,804 Ha, just messin' with you, ya vulture! 468 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,807 She thinks she's gonna sell my house when I'm dead, 469 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,375 but I ain't goin'. 470 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:05,245 Oops. 471 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:08,181 Actually, I am goin'. 472 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:16,189 Merry Christmas, everybody! 473 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,090 * Men.