1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:04,238 * Men. 2 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:07,075 ANNOUNCER (over TV): You don't have to be a prisoner of depression. 3 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,343 Unlock the door of darkness and despair, 4 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,245 and step into the sunlight with Lumitrol. 5 00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:12,580 If you're taking an MAO inhibitor, 6 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:13,814 consult your physician. 7 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:15,149 Side effects may include dry mouth, 8 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:16,517 high fever, tremors, nausea, sweating... 9 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,152 You should try that stuff. 10 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,254 What for? I'm not depressed. 11 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,490 Really? Why not? 12 00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,758 What have I got to be depressed about? 13 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,127 Well, you've been divorced twice, 14 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,728 you're living on your brother's couch, 15 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,730 and your only child is flunking tenth grade. 16 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,733 Wh-you... you're flunking tenth grade? 17 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:33,867 When the hell did this happen? 18 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,103 Easy, dude. I think you 19 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,904 got bigger things to worry about. 20 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:38,339 (door opens) 21 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,874 CHELSEA: Charlie, you're being a complete ass about this. 22 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,776 CHARLIE: I said no. End of discussion. 23 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,678 Yeah, that'll do it. 24 00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,847 It's just a couple of dance lessons 25 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,482 so we don't look like idiots at our wedding. 26 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,151 Hey, I have said yes to everything 27 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,186 having to do with this stupid wedding, 28 00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:53,354 but this is too much. 29 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,788 You think our wedding is stupid? 30 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,325 If I have to dance, it is. 31 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,792 You know what, just drop dead. 32 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:00,294 Fine. 33 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:04,132 I'll drop dead, and you can dance on my grave. 34 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,000 SPORTSCASTER (over TV): ...three games last year, 35 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,436 but I guarantee you Carson Palmer 36 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:09,670 didn't miss guys wide open. 37 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:10,971 That hurts. 38 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,606 SECOND SPORTSCASTER: And certainly not 39 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,175 in their comeback against California 40 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,743 down at the L.A. Coliseum. 41 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:18,346 Leinart overthrows... 42 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,780 You do know you're going 43 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,316 to be taking dancing lessons? 44 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,485 Oh, yeah. 45 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:26,420 Does that depress you? 46 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,521 A little. 47 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,791 May I suggest you try Lumitrol. 48 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,026 What? 49 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,862 Unless you're already taking an MAO inhibitor, 50 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,697 in which case, consult your physician. 51 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:40,134 Hard to believe he's flunking tenth grade. 52 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,338 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 53 00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:47,708 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 54 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,844 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 55 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,946 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 56 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:55,349 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 57 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:59,620 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 58 00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:03,291 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 59 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,731 * Men. 60 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,602 Hey. Hey. 61 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,137 Did you cave on the dancing? 62 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,539 Yeah. 63 00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,107 You have to grovel? 64 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,944 Like a leper at a kissing booth. 65 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,613 Did you at least get makeup sex? 66 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:26,914 Nope. 67 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,684 Wow, it's like you're already married. 68 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,687 Yeah, I might as well just give her my testicles right now 69 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,357 and use the empty sack as a man purse. 70 00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:39,260 Hey, hey, don't knock the man purse. 71 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,262 Terrific way to carry your keys, 72 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:44,498 ChapStick, sunblock, moist wipes. 73 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,767 Please move out of my house. 74 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,636 Hey, face it, big brother. 75 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:49,770 We're a team. 76 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,706 Like Ernest and Julio Gallo. 77 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,475 Seriously, get some cardboard boxes, 78 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:57,144 fill them with your crap and go. 79 00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:59,347 Now, see, that's just misdirected anger. 80 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:01,949 You're not mad at me; you're mad at yourself 81 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,517 for trading your dignity and self-respect 82 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:06,254 for security, peace of mind and regular sex. 83 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,855 Where do you get that? 84 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,223 I've been married twice, Julio. 85 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,424 (clears throat) 86 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,159 The key is to make the best of it. 87 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,727 Uh, like with the dance lessons, for instance. 88 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,128 They... they can be fun. 89 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,332 You and Chelsea practicing, 90 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,433 learning to glide across the dance floor 91 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,569 as a single organism, 92 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:24,538 embracing the music like the breath of life itself. 93 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:28,376 Okay, first, decorate my house, then move out. 94 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:30,944 Cute. You'll see what I'm talking about 95 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,713 on your wedding day when you step out 96 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,748 onto the dance floor with your new bride 97 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,951 and sweep her into your arms with everybody watching. 98 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,653 I'm sorry. I can't see it. 99 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,655 Let me help you. 100 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:45,926 * Precious and few are the moments * 101 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:52,600 * We two can share... 102 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:56,370 How'd you know that's the song she wants for our first dance? 103 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,071 Who do you think suggested it to her? 104 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,308 Okay. 105 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,576 Let's see what you got. 106 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,613 What? Dance with me. Come on. 107 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:06,980 Are you out of your mind? 108 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,949 I'm just going to give you a few tips. 109 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,884 Keep your tip away from me. 110 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,853 You can either embarrass yourself now 111 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,022 or you can embarrass yourself at your first dance class 112 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,157 in front of Chelsea and a bunch of strangers. 113 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,897 Okay, I just want you to know 114 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,766 I'm only letting you touch me 115 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,835 'cause I'm half in the bag. 116 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,738 Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that. 117 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,975 Now, put your right hand on my lower back. 118 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:37,511 And your left hand holds my right hand. 119 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,579 Okay. 120 00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:39,680 Whoa, whoa! 121 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,782 We're not cracking walnuts. 122 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,518 Firmly but gently, like you hold a baby bird. 123 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:45,886 I've never held a baby bird. 124 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,621 Okay, like you hold a boob. 125 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,457 I am holding a boob. 126 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:50,824 Ha ha. 127 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,493 Now, we're going to start with a simple waltz. 128 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:53,927 You're the boy, and I'm the girl. 129 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,796 That's how it would break down in prison. 130 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,431 I don't know, Charlie. 131 00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,567 You've always been the pretty one. 132 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,701 And... 133 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:03,971 one, two, three, two, two, three. 134 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,238 One, two, three, 135 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,674 two, two, three. 136 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,909 Okay, you're going to have to back off a half step. 137 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,479 There's no groin contact in ballroom dancing. 138 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:12,946 Huh. 139 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,316 Wonder if that's why they call it "ball room". 140 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,388 Man, your grandmother really did a number 141 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:21,922 on those poor bastards. 142 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:27,728 It's a miracle I turned out as well as I did. 143 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,768 * Men. 144 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,871 (playing "Precious and Few") 145 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:44,077 (segues into Chopin's "Marche Funèbre") 146 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,718 Hey, Uncle Charlie, want to dance with me? 147 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,220 Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home? 148 00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,756 Sometimes. 149 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:56,824 Don't sass me, boy. 150 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,026 I'll take the switch to you. 151 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,696 Hello, man of my dreams. 152 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,498 Hello, love of my life. 153 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:06,333 Hello, reason I go to therapy. 154 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,069 You go to therapy because you're weak. 155 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,739 I'm weak because you broke my spirit at age five. 156 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,807 Oh, boo-hoo for you. 157 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,342 Guys, guys, can we please not do this? 158 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:16,009 What? 159 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:19,513 Just saying hello. 160 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,415 I'm going to go put this stuff away. 161 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,816 Thanks again for the scarf. 162 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,518 My pleasure, dear. 163 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,554 Looks beautiful on you. 164 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:27,955 Thank you. 165 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,390 That woman is just a treasure. 166 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:31,592 I know. 167 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,293 Worth her weight in gold. Yes, she is. 168 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,096 Speaking of which, have you talked to her about a prenup? 169 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,330 What? 170 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,399 No, I'm not going to ask her for a prenup. 171 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:42,970 Charles, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. 172 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,705 And guess which half the guys 173 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,240 who can't keep it in their pants fall into? 174 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,943 Hey, I have never once cheated on Chelsea. 175 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,445 How long have you known her? 176 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,980 I don't know-- about a year and a half. 177 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,848 How long do you plan on being married? 178 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,920 Criminy, I need a prenup. 179 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,090 * Men. 180 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,391 And... 181 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:07,394 one, two, three, one, two, three. 182 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:10,731 Very... nice, two, three. 183 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,566 You're doing great, sweetie. 184 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,067 Have you been practicing? 185 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,202 No, no, no. 186 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,470 I'm a musician. 187 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,171 It's instinctive. 188 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,641 So, the pictures Jake e-mailed me 189 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:23,010 of you and Alan cheek to cheek was just what, 190 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,879 a tender moment between brothers? 191 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,916 How old do kids have to be 192 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,552 before it's legal to punch them? 193 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:32,720 Come on. 194 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,387 You'd never hit Jake. 195 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:38,425 That's exactly what I want you to tell Child Services. 196 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,093 I think it's great that you cared 197 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,762 enough about this to practice. 198 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,897 So, I get some points in the bank? 199 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:44,998 Whole bunch. 200 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,600 Good. Good. 201 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,236 Hey, speaking of banks, 202 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,604 I've been thinking. 203 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,740 Now, don't overreact, 204 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,942 but maybe we should start talking about, 205 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:58,111 you know, the possibility of getting some kind of a-- 206 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,347 what do you call them?-- prenup. 207 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:01,882 Sure. 208 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,751 You want your lawyer to draw it up or mine? 209 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:07,320 INSTRUCTOR: Now switch partners with the couple to your left. 210 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,826 Hello. 211 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,427 Hi. 212 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,429 Are you two getting married? 213 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,464 Yeah. 214 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:18,599 That's wonderful. 215 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,534 It took me 38 years 216 00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,369 to get my husband to dance with me. 217 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,137 Well, better late than never. 218 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,339 He's only doing it now 'cause I caught him 219 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:27,941 banging our church organist. 220 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,245 Wow. 221 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:37,250 Want to help a nice lady give a little payback? 222 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,687 Switch! 223 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,023 Hi. Missed you. 224 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,457 Me, too. 225 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,661 So, you were saying you're okay with the prenup thing? 226 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:48,996 Yeah. In fact, I was trying 227 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,631 to figure out a way to bring it up. 228 00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,933 Really? Why were you going to bring it up? 229 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,467 Well, I just think it's smart 230 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,103 for both of us to protect our property. 231 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,370 (chuckles) 232 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,172 What property do you have? 233 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,708 Um, not a lot. 234 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,042 Just a little real estate. 235 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,044 Real estate? 236 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:04,878 No big deal. 237 00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,179 Just a few apartment buildings. 238 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,648 Buildings? 239 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,216 INSTRUCTOR: And switch! 240 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,784 Keep walking, pal. 241 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:15,155 When were you planning on telling me you own buildings? 242 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,591 Um, I didn't think it was that important. 243 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,993 Well, it's important enough for you to want a prenup. 244 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,695 Hey, you're the one who brought it up. 245 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,897 Yeah, but I'm not hiding anything from you. 246 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,465 You know everything I've got. 247 00:09:25,532 --> 00:09:27,935 A house on the beach, a car in the garage 248 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,804 and a worthless douche in my guest room. 249 00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:34,608 What about all the royalties from your music? 250 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:35,943 Yeah well, uh... 251 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,745 you've got buildings. 252 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,713 Just three. 253 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,915 Just three? 254 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,450 Why are you getting so upset? 255 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,952 I thought I knew you. 256 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:48,421 I had no idea you had some secret life as a slumlord. 257 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:49,657 I'm not a slumlord. 258 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,491 Two of the buildings are in the marina, 259 00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:52,793 and one's in Brentwood. 260 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,728 Oh, my God, that's even worse. 261 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:55,996 Why? 262 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,530 We've been together almost two years. 263 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:58,632 Would it have killed you 264 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,669 to pick up a check once in a while? 265 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,370 Switch! 266 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,840 Hello again. 267 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,377 * Men. * 268 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,147 * Men. * 269 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,717 EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 270 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,052 for the first time as husband and wife, 271 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,322 Mr. and Mrs. Alan Harper. 272 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:28,228 * Now I've had the time of my life * 273 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:32,933 * No, I've never felt like this before * 274 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,671 * Yes, I swear it's the truth 275 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,307 * And I owe it all to you 276 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:46,847 (high-pitched): * 'Cause I've had the time of my life * 277 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,850 * And I owe it all to you... 278 00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:52,285 (door closes) 279 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,823 Hey. 280 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,825 How was dance lessons? 281 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,860 Want to know how dance lessons were? 282 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,862 I'll tell you how dance lessons were. 283 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,596 Chelsea wants a freakin' prenup! 284 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,867 Just 'cause you dance like a middle-aged white guy? 285 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,435 I'm not middle-aged. 286 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,402 Oh, sorry. 287 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,838 You. You're middle-aged. 288 00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,740 I'm younger than you. 289 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:14,107 You're also broke, 290 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,110 losing your hair and sleeping on my hide-a-bed. 291 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:20,313 Always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight, don't you? 292 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,984 What the hell are you watching? 293 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,252 It's my wedding video. 294 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,087 No kidding. Where am I? 295 00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:29,456 In the coat room banging Judith's sister. 296 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,491 Oh, right. 297 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,693 Wish you had that video. 298 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,263 So why does Chelsea want a prenup? 299 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,398 Apparently she's got three fancy apartment buildings 300 00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:40,433 she doesn't want me to get my hands on. 301 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,036 Really? Anything I could live in for free? 302 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,872 You know, house-sit, 303 00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,606 building manager in lieu of rent. 304 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,876 How did this become about you? 305 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,177 Fine, I'll stay here. 306 00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:53,313 Oh, good. I was worried. 307 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,183 The point is, Chelsea's been keeping a secret from me. 308 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,351 Well, maybe she just wants to make sure that you loved her 309 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,253 for herself and not her property. 310 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,189 Oh, so I don't even get the choice? 311 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,191 I would think that you would be happy. 312 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,893 This means she's financially well-off 313 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,160 and doesn't care about your money. 314 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,296 Which makes me trust her even less. 315 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,397 What? 316 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,032 Alan, think it through. 317 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,266 If she's not interested in my money, 318 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,468 then why is she marrying me? 319 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,573 I have no idea. 320 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,909 Exactly. 321 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,743 We may have to consider the possibility 322 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,113 that Chelsea's insane. 323 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:29,016 I see your point. 324 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,587 She look like she's sorry? 325 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,458 Yeah. 326 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:39,960 Sorry she ever met you. 327 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,428 Hey, Chels. 328 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,296 Hello, Alan. 329 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,032 Brr. 330 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,067 My nipples just got hard. 331 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,903 Yeah, well, too bad. 332 00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,204 She deceived me and she doesn't trust 333 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,806 that our marriage is going to last. 334 00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:55,275 Aren't you the one who wanted the prenup in the first place? 335 00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:56,676 That's different. How is that different? 336 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:57,878 Because when I brought it up, 337 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,546 I thought I had more stuff than her. 338 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,548 Okay, let me get this straight. 339 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,384 You're upset because you're marrying a woman 340 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,886 whose only character flaw 341 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,220 is that she happens to have her own money? 342 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,756 I knew you wouldn't understand. 343 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,528 (remote clicks) 344 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,564 * So we take each other's hand 345 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,400 * 'Cause we seem to understand 346 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:24,271 * The urgency 347 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,306 * Just remember 348 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:29,309 FEMALE VOCALIST: * You're the one thing 349 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:32,045 MALE VOCALIST: * I can't get enough of... 350 00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:37,250 That's the last time she ever moved her pelvis like that. 351 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,252 * Men. * 352 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,964 So, are we going to talk, 353 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,233 or you're going to sit there pretending to read? 354 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,834 I'm not pretending. 355 00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:56,669 If I didn't know how to read, 356 00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:58,271 I would've told you a long time ago. 357 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,908 I wouldn't have deceived you. 358 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:03,143 Don't be such a child. 359 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,878 I'm the child? 360 00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,479 You're the one who's been keeping secrets. 361 00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,548 Wasn't really a secret. 362 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,750 I would've told you if you'd asked. 363 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,086 Oh, really? 364 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,955 So it's my fault that I didn't ask you 365 00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:16,656 if you're a land baron? 366 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:19,492 What else should I be asking you? 367 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,494 Were you born with a penis? 368 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,096 Is this your home planet? 369 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:25,132 Okay, now you're being ridiculous. 370 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,968 No, no, no, what I'm being is committed to this relationship. 371 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,636 Really? You're committed? 372 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,139 Yes, and I've jumped through hoops to prove it to you. 373 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,773 What hoops? Dancing lessons? 374 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,909 No, not dancing lessons. 375 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,611 Yeah, okay, dancing lessons. 376 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,448 And meeting your mom, and being nice to your friends, 377 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,383 even all the ones that don't like me, 378 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:46,219 and letting you put these stupid throw pillows on my bed. 379 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,988 Did I ever complain about that? Constantly. 380 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,423 And yet here they are. 381 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,293 With your frilly curtains 382 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,028 and your girly lamps. 383 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,597 It's like living inside the I Dream of Jeanie bottle. 384 00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:00,100 So I'm supposed to be grateful 385 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,169 because you've behaved the way a fiancé is supposed to behave 386 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,503 towards the woman he loves? 387 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,505 Oh, yeah. 388 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,074 Okay, I see. 389 00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,209 Now you're going to turn it around on me. 390 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:10,043 Make me the bad guy. 391 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,444 Where are you going? 392 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,146 I'm sleeping on the couch. 393 00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:13,913 In my house. 394 00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,348 Which you know I own 395 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,817 because I bragged about it the first night we met. 396 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,287 (door slams) 397 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,724 Alan. 398 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:25,925 What? What-what's wrong? 399 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,827 Chelsea and I had a fight. 400 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:28,861 Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. 401 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,097 You want to talk about it? 402 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,732 I just did. Now go sleep on the couch. 403 00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,734 Wait, if you and Chelsea had the fight 404 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,003 why do I have to sleep on the couch? 405 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,272 You ever hear of crap rolling uphill? 406 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:41,108 Now get out. 407 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,775 You know, just using the word "please" 408 00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,411 would go such a long way with me. 409 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,945 Fair enough. 410 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,380 Please get out 411 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,382 before I pull your pajama bottoms up so far 412 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,519 you'll be wearing your balls as a bolo tie! 413 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,223 There, was that so hard? 414 00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:03,030 * Men. * 415 00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:21,248 I'm sorry for keeping a secret from you. 416 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:39,032 Is there any way I can make it up to you? 417 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,336 Okay, I would be remiss... 418 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:46,206 (Chelsea screams) 419 00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,974 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! 420 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,942 You let me lay down naked on top of you! 421 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,711 I didn't know it was you! I thought it was a dream 422 00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,980 and then when I realized it was you, I didn't know what to say 423 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,882 and you're so soft and warm and... (groans) 424 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,650 Oh! 425 00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,886 Oh, I deserve that. 426 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:02,955 What the hell's going on in here? 427 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,023 Your brother's a pervert! 428 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:06,659 You woke me up to tell me that? 429 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,662 I came down here to apologize for keeping a secret. 430 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,165 It was dark, and I thought it was you under the covers, 431 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:15,102 so I laid down naked on him and he let me! 432 00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:17,003 You let Chelsea lie naked-- 433 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,571 Wait a minute. You came down to apologize? 434 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,207 Yes. 435 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:23,643 So, you're saying I'm right and you're wrong? 436 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,011 Yes. You're right. 437 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,980 Excuse me, I didn't quite get that. 438 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,782 Do you want to gloat or do you want to come upstairs 439 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:30,983 and let me make it up to you? 440 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,752 Ooh, make up. I choose make up. 441 00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,087 Come on. 442 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,089 Right behind you. 443 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,291 You sick freak. (high-pitched scream) 444 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,299 Still worth it. 445 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,906 * Men. * 446 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,214 (laughs) 447 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:04,551 At least I hope it did for the sake of the honeymoon. 448 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:09,256 Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing. 449 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,058 (laughs) 450 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:14,561 To Alan and Judith. 451 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,563 (cheering, applause) 452 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,598 Mmm! 453 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,400 And now... 454 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,403 I'd like to introduce the best man, 455 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,906 although I consider him to be a bitter disappointment, 456 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,909 Alan's brother Charlie. 457 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,611 (applause) 458 00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:33,613 Charlie? 459 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,615 Charlie? 460 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:38,585 Charles! 461 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,587 Coming! 462 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,329 What's going on? 463 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:53,166 You're making a toast to your brother and his bride. 464 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,368 Oh. How am I doing? 465 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,371 Just make the toast. 466 00:18:58,438 --> 00:18:59,972 Okay. 467 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:04,511 Can I throw in a word about the bride's sister? 468 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,546 No. 469 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:08,248 Got it. 470 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:12,285 Well, just FYI, that word would've been "nasty." 471 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,757 Don't look at me like that, Judy. 472 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,759 Your sister's a freak. 473 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,561 * She's a super freak 474 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:22,729 * Super freak 475 00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,231 * She's super freaky 476 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,932 * Super freak, super freak 477 00:19:25,998 --> 00:20:01,100 * She's super freaky... Unbelievable.