1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,404 * Men. 2 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,373 (sighs) 3 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:08,509 (panting) 4 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:15,383 Wow. That was great. 5 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:16,950 Good, I'm glad. 6 00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:21,322 Wait, wait, wait. You're glad? 7 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,424 Yeah. 8 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,726 I knew it. 9 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,528 There was no "gaa." 10 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:28,629 "Gaa"? 11 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,831 When the sex is working for you, 12 00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:34,568 you try to say "God," but it comes out "gaa." 13 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,238 And this time, there was no "gaa." 14 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:38,406 Charlie... 15 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:42,410 No "gaa," no good. 16 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,911 And I'll tell you another thing. 17 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,613 You usually grab my ass like you're holding 18 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,516 a tree trunk in a hurricane. 19 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,118 Just now, it was more like you were palming 20 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,820 a couple of cantaloupes at the supermarket. 21 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,055 Fireworks don't have to go off every time 22 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:56,724 for me to enjoy it. 23 00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:00,928 Oh, please, fireworks is the whole point of the exercise. 24 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,463 Otherwise, all you've got is 25 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:05,299 two naked people humping on a StairMaster. 26 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:08,369 Sometimes it's nice just being close. 27 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,338 Nice being close. 28 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,539 Great. 29 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:15,143 Now I know what it's like to be my brother. 30 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:16,410 Would you stop it? 31 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,812 No, this is the beginning of the end. 32 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,814 First our sex life goes to hell, 33 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:23,117 then we start eating dinner at 4:30, 34 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:26,854 watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, 35 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,224 and at 9:00 we shake hands, pee and go to sleep. 36 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:33,661 Then around midnight I get up to pee again. 37 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,829 Quit making such a big deal out of it. 38 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:36,664 Just because every once in a while 39 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:37,965 I don't have an orgasm... 40 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,234 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 41 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,869 This has happened before? 42 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,070 Just a few times. 43 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,273 Why didn't I know? Were you faking it? 44 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:46,374 Does it matter? 45 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,841 You're damn right, it matters. 46 00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,010 Why'd you stop? Don't you love me anymore? 47 00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:52,280 Of course I love you. 48 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,515 If you really loved me, you'd keep faking it. 49 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,884 Fine, from now on I'll fake it. 50 00:01:56,950 --> 00:02:00,221 Too late. Now I'm on to you. 51 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,024 Honey, there's nothing to get so upset about. 52 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:07,461 I've just been working really hard, under a lot of stress. 53 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:10,097 Then on top of that, I'm trying to plan our wedding 54 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,933 and dealing with my parents, your mother. 55 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,703 But trust me, as far as I'm concerned, 56 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,438 you're still the sexiest man on Earth 57 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,708 and I'm the luckiest woman who ever lived. 58 00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:23,877 (snoring) 59 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,248 Lucky, lucky, lucky. 60 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:30,050 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 61 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,254 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 62 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,757 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 63 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,526 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 64 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:53,341 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... * 65 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,643 * Men. 66 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,281 I thought you were taking 67 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,215 your girlfriend out for dinner. 68 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,783 I am. But if I eat first, 69 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,185 I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick. 70 00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:06,687 Good idea. That way you'll have 71 00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:09,490 the whole rest of the night to make her sick. 72 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:12,226 Exactly. 73 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:16,230 Plus I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries. 74 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,732 All right, Chelsea'll be home in a few minutes. 75 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,234 How are we doing? 76 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,536 The wine's decanting, pasta's on the stove, 77 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:25,639 salad's in the fridge, Marvin Gaye's on the CD player. 78 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,275 (chuckles) Gay. 79 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,912 And what about this? 80 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,981 Where's this gonna be tonight? 81 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,584 It has a date. 82 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,519 Oh, eating first. 83 00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:40,087 I taught you well. 84 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,255 Thank you. 85 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,090 Clean underwear? 86 00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,325 Cleanish. 87 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,695 Not good enough. 88 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,430 With underwear, there's no gray area. 89 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,632 Don't worry, it's not gray. 90 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:56,437 Anything but white is unacceptable. 91 00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,772 In that case, I'd better change. 92 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,876 And take off the bib! 93 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,614 If he can score just once before I die, 94 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,148 my life will have been worthwhile. 95 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,884 Well, then you might want to start eating healthier. 96 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,922 What's the big occasion tonight? 97 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,290 There's no big occasion. 98 00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:18,892 Just trying to keep the fire going with Chelsea. 99 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:19,893 You know what's good for that? 100 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,662 Doing it in public. 101 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,698 Really? 102 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,967 Yeah, there's nothing like the thrill 103 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:27,968 of thinking you might get caught. 104 00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,337 I gotta tell ya, 105 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,672 you almost walked in on me a couple of times. 106 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,743 You're kidding. 107 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:38,178 Just a heads-up, the next time you see 108 00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:40,914 the Sparkletts' truck parked outside, avoid the garage. 109 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,618 (sighs) 110 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,455 From now on, I'm gonna avoid water. 111 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,391 * Men. 112 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:58,432 Good news, Alan, you're going to the movies tonight. 113 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:01,869 Alan? 114 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,804 * Blame it on the bossa nova 115 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:06,874 * With its magic spell 116 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,909 * Blame it on the bossa nova 117 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,812 * That he did so well. 118 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,920 What are you doing? 119 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:20,854 Nothing. 120 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,623 What is that? 121 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,291 That's, uh, that's hairspray. 122 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,360 Really? Hairspray. Let me see it. 123 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,396 No. Leave me alone. 124 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,297 What's the big deal? 125 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:32,366 It's not a big deal. Just go away. 126 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:35,403 All right, but I need you out of the house tonight 127 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,904 so I can be alone with Chelsea. 128 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,439 Don't worry, I have a date. 129 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:39,540 Another Internet hook up? 130 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:42,242 SuaveSingles.com. 131 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,044 First month's free. 132 00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:47,147 That must be how they keep out the riffraff. 133 00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,315 Have fun. 134 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,483 Thank you, I will. 135 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,420 Hey! Hey! 136 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:56,557 "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair. 137 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,793 Guaranteed to cover bald spots." 138 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,595 It's not really a bald spot. 139 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,397 I'm just getting a little thin on top. 140 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,899 So you're painting your head? 141 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,568 It's not paint. 142 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:08,836 It's a specially formulated hairlike substance 143 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,804 designed for the active man on the go. 144 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,107 Oh, you poor, gullible bastard. 145 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,678 It gives me confidence. 146 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,079 Okay, fine. 147 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,549 But what happens to your confidence 148 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,651 when your date runs her fingers through your... 149 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:27,888 specially formulated hairlike substance? 150 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:31,592 It's "guaranteed not to smear, drip or ignite 151 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,093 under normal circumstances." 152 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:37,330 So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spray-painting 153 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,733 your head like it's a freeway underpass? 154 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,035 This is just a stopgap till the pills kick in. 155 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,403 What's this, like Propecia? 156 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:44,572 Better, stronger. 157 00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:45,773 It's from Eastern Europe where they don't have 158 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,477 to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations. 159 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,012 There's a monkey on the label. 160 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,948 It is not a monkey, it's the inventor. 161 00:06:58,486 --> 00:06:59,720 How long have you been taking these? 162 00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:00,721 A couple of weeks. 163 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,222 It has to build up in your system, 164 00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,758 and then stand back and grab a comb. 165 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,694 Okay, well, far be it for me to judge someone 166 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,063 for taking questionable pharmaceuticals, 167 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,965 but be careful with this stuff. 168 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,634 Charlie, do you really think I'm so vain 169 00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,068 that I would jeopardize my health 170 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:15,969 just to grow a little hair? 171 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,437 Do I have to remind you 172 00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:22,676 about the Japanese penis enlargement system you bought? 173 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:26,580 That is not what caused the rupture. 174 00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:34,855 I'm sorry, but this is a monkey. 175 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:36,690 * Men. 176 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:39,993 (both breathing heavily) 177 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:44,364 So did you make your way around the mountain? 178 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:45,866 Excuse me? 179 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:49,637 You know, were you driving six white horses? 180 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,539 What are you talking about? 181 00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:57,110 * She'll be driving six white horses when she... * 182 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,980 Are you asking me if I had an orgasm, Charlie? 183 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:02,082 Yeah, but I'm trying to be cute about it. 184 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,051 No, I did not. 185 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,118 But it doesn't matter. 186 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,754 It was wonderful. 187 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:07,721 Were you at least close? 188 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:08,689 Yes, I was close. 189 00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:10,057 Well, that's a start. 190 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,325 Now, when you were close, what was I doing? 191 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,061 You were downstairs getting a beer. 192 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:19,933 I'm kidding. 193 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,602 Can we please just drop it? 194 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:25,205 Excuse me for trying to bring you back to "gaa." 195 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,241 Sex is not just about orgasms. 196 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,442 Oh, really? 197 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,445 Then how are we supposed to know when we're done? 198 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,280 Don't pout. 199 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,615 I'm not pouting. 200 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,684 Yes, you are. Your bottom lip is sticking out. 201 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,586 It's swollen. 202 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:42,489 You could've stopped at any time. 203 00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:45,125 No, no, I am not a quitter. 204 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:48,195 Sweetheart, do you know what the best part of tonight was? 205 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,997 For you or me? 206 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,165 'Cause I think mine was pretty obvious. 207 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:54,034 It was that you cared enough 208 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,803 to plan this amazing evening for me. 209 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,706 The beautiful dinner, wine on the deck, 210 00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:03,543 the two of us talking, just being together. 211 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:07,214 It's nights like these that make me realize how lucky I am 212 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:11,084 to have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 213 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,019 (snoring) 214 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:15,956 Lucky, lucky, lucky. 215 00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,926 * Men. 216 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:21,294 Oh! Oh! Oh! 217 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,431 Hey. Hey. 218 00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,536 Alan, I don't know how to tell you this, 219 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:33,006 but your bangs are dripping down your face. 220 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,042 A little lesson for you, Charlie. 221 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,645 There are two things you never want to buy on the cheap: 222 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,347 canned hair and condoms. 223 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,183 I'm assuming it never got to condoms? 224 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,818 No, it did not. 225 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,020 Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala, 226 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,858 the evening was pretty well shot. 227 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:55,195 I probably should've sprung for Captain Terry's Hair Sealer. 228 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,597 Well, maybe you'll have better luck with the monkey pills. 229 00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,167 Oh, thanks for reminding me. 230 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:03,136 If the date was so bad, why are you home so late? 231 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:06,807 I've been at the emergency room having my eyes flushed. 232 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:11,078 Apparently, my hair contains small particles of fiberglass. 233 00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,584 What the hell's he doing? 234 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,087 Trying to sneak in two hours after curfew. 235 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,154 Aren't you gonna punish him? 236 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,456 Maybe tomorrow. 237 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,358 It's hard to assume any kind of moral authority 238 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,227 with Captain Terry's specially formulated hair 239 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:30,330 all over my face. 240 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:34,467 True. You do kinda look like a hot fudge sundae. 241 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:37,504 * Men. 242 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,474 * Men. 243 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:45,746 Oh, hey. 244 00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:47,280 Didn't see you there. 245 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:51,084 That's the first time anyone ever said that to me. 246 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,287 Taking a lunch break? 247 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,890 Sure, let's call it that. 248 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,659 Mind if I ask you a question? 249 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:02,029 It's Liz Taylor's White Diamonds. 250 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,363 What? 251 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,464 My fragrance. 252 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,933 You can get it at Costco. 253 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,268 Nice. 254 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,470 It's a great stocking stuffer for Christmas. 255 00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:11,204 I'll remember. 256 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:14,241 I'll act surprised. 257 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:20,547 Actually, I was gonna ask you about when you were married. 258 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:21,715 Which time? 259 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:22,783 What was the long one? 260 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,417 Jerry. 14 years. 261 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:25,819 God rest his soul. 262 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,889 He's dead? He better be. 263 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:33,060 Okay, well, when Jerry walked among us, 264 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,929 was there a time when he wasn't, you know, 265 00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,330 doing it for you? 266 00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:40,267 You mean even though he was doing it to me? 267 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,501 Yeah. 268 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,470 Well, sure. But that's natural. 269 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,438 Passion always fades over time. 270 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:48,508 Before you know it, you find yourself daydreaming, 271 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,978 barely noticing the naked guy with the bad mullet 272 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:54,414 and the flip-flops doing his dirty business on top of you. 273 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:56,683 Jerry? 274 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,119 God, no-- I never let Jerry on top. 275 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,391 He was like a fur-covered water heater. 276 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,525 So that's it? 277 00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,961 That's all I have to look forward to? 278 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:09,662 A wife that has to go to a happy place 279 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,431 every time I have sex with her? 280 00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,900 Is Chelsea complaining? 281 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:13,901 No. 282 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:14,968 Can you read her mind? 283 00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,036 No. 284 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:18,939 Then don't worry about it. 285 00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,908 How can I not worry? 286 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,843 Orgasms is one of the few things 287 00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:24,812 I bring to the table in this relationship. 288 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,147 Well, I can't argue with you there. 289 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:31,418 But maybe this is the perfect opportunity 290 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,821 for you to become a better boyfriend, 291 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,688 a more compassionate, caring individual. 292 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:40,794 Or you could buy her one of them vibrating eggs. 293 00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:43,931 They're awesome. 294 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,732 I heard. 295 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,803 I got to go. 296 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,876 Man, I hope I can hold on to this buzz 297 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:59,179 until the Sparkletts' guy gets here. 298 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,314 * Men. 299 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,350 (knocking) 300 00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:05,185 Alan, you in here? 301 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:06,286 Bathroom. 302 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,387 Getting ready for a date. 303 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,522 Another Suave Single? 304 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:12,025 No, my free trial expired. 305 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,994 Now I'm on J-Date. 306 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:17,998 Alan, we're not Jewish. 307 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,000 Who cares? You should see these girls-- 308 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,836 very hotsy-totsy. 309 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,372 And the best part is, till my hair pills kick in, 310 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:28,441 two birds with one stone. 311 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,544 So, how can I help you? 312 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,380 (sighs): Well... believe it or not, 313 00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:35,748 I wanted to ask your advice about women. 314 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,384 Me? I'm flattered. 315 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,751 What do you want to know? 316 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:39,319 Well... 317 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,422 Sit, boychick. 318 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,727 Okay, I'm having a little problem, 319 00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:50,497 you know, satisfying Chelsea in the bedroom. 320 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,631 Uh-huh. 321 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:55,068 So I thought to myself, who knows more 322 00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:58,271 about not satisfying a woman than my brother Alan? 323 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:03,110 That's a very unfair characterization... 324 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,313 but not entirely inaccurate. 325 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,181 Go on. 326 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,150 My question is... 327 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,352 how do you live with yourself? 328 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:13,987 How do you wake up in the morning 329 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,423 and not drag a straight razor across your throat? 330 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:20,693 Well, that's not an easy question to answer. 331 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,898 Uh, first of all, I don't own a straight razor. 332 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,599 This is what happened with you and Judith, right? 333 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,369 Actually, Judith was always highly orgasmic. 334 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:30,103 Really? 335 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,405 Not with me, of course. 336 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,908 But as long as I didn't let the battery drawer get empty, 337 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:38,211 she was one happy shiksa. 338 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:40,113 So, how did you deal with that? 339 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,649 Didn't it make you feel like less of a man? 340 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,417 Okay, I understand. 341 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,653 Your problem is, your male ego 342 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,056 is tied to your partner's sexual pleasure. 343 00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,324 Your self-esteem is almost entirely based 344 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,293 on whether or not she achieves some level 345 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,995 of physical satisfaction. Uh-huh. 346 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,964 You got to get past that. 347 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,901 What, you're saying I shouldn't care? 348 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:06,106 Charlie... our people have spent thousands of years 349 00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,575 carrying the burden of guilt. 350 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:09,977 I say enough! 351 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,879 It's time to break the shackles. 352 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,382 Okay, okay, first of all, I'm pretty sure 353 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,417 that our people are Scotch-Irish. 354 00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:20,320 Perhaps. But the Talmud teaches us 355 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:23,156 that the true worth of a man is in his good works 356 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,457 and devotion to God. 357 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,260 The Talmud? Yeah, I Googled it. 358 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,596 Figured I might need a little Jewish dinner chat. 359 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:30,964 Lucky I did some research-- 360 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:34,101 I was planning on taking this girl to Red Lobster. 361 00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,103 Meshuggah,right? 362 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:38,938 Oh! Uh, I got to go. 363 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:42,242 Oh, uh, listen, Jake's grounded for coming in late last night, 364 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,877 so be a mensch and keep an eye on the little pisher, would you? 365 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,285 Oy... 366 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,054 vay. 367 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,458 * Men. 368 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,762 This is fun, huh? 369 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,397 I guess. 370 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,267 Gin. 371 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,801 Damn. 372 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:09,769 Okay. 373 00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,638 Let's go again. 374 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,740 You do realize that at a certain point 375 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,508 we're going to have to go to bed. 376 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,443 I know. I know. It's not like 377 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:19,079 I'm avoiding it or anything. 378 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,181 Really? Because this is the first time 379 00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,150 since I've known you you've suggested we play a game 380 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,917 that doesn't involve money or nudity. 381 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,255 We could play for money if you want. 382 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,090 What do you say, penny a point? 383 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:33,093 We'll go to bed when someone's up a hundred bucks. 384 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,627 Come on, are we gonna talk 385 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,130 about the elephant in the room or not? 386 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:38,465 What's there to talk about? 387 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,133 I can't ring your bell anymore, 388 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,501 so we'll grow old, I'll die, 389 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:44,804 and you'll find happiness with a vibrating egg. 390 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:49,209 Did you ever stop to consider that maybe this isn't about you? 391 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,810 No, not really. 392 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:52,445 Well, it isn't. 393 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,381 Then what's it about? 394 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,249 It's personal. 395 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,886 What's more personal than bumping pee-pees? 396 00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:04,591 All right, fine. 397 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,331 My ex-husband's getting remarried. 398 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:16,169 I'm sorry, are we still having the same conversation? 399 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,840 I know it sounds stupid, but ever since I found out, 400 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:23,210 I somehow felt shut down. 401 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,344 Why? 402 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,612 I don't know, I guess because 403 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:26,946 he's moving on with his life. 404 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,715 Yeah, but you're getting married, too. 405 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,184 Yeah, but I'm getting married because I'm over him. 406 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,420 He's getting married because he's over me. 407 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:34,587 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 408 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:35,955 Are you still in love with him? 409 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,091 Of course not, you idiot-- I'm in love with you. 410 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:42,195 Well, good, good, because I'm sure feeling loved. 411 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,231 I'm sorry. 412 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:47,066 Okay, let me just make sure I'm following this. 413 00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:48,668 Knowing that this guy is getting married 414 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,404 has somehow gotten in the way of you having an orgasm. 415 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,240 Maybe. 416 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,641 I think so. 417 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,776 Boy, women. 418 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,411 What's that supposed to mean? 419 00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,046 Well, nothing, nothing. 420 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:04,317 It's just I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart in my foot. 421 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,456 Do you think I'm crazy? 422 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:10,590 No, no. No. 423 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,125 Having sex right over the hedge 424 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,461 from where the kids were throwing the lawn darts-- 425 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,596 that was crazy. 426 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:19,166 And believe it or not, I do understand. 427 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:20,600 You do? Well, sure. 428 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,270 No one wants their former lovers to be happy. 429 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,104 They don't? Well, hell, no. 430 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:28,040 Most of my former lovers want me dead. 431 00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:32,279 A couple have tried. 432 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:36,349 In fact, now that I know you have a vengeful, petty side, 433 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,285 I love you even more. 434 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,853 Thanks... I guess. 435 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,756 Don't worry about the sex. 436 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,692 It'll work itself out, 437 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,694 just like the lawn dart. 438 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,596 I love you, Charlie. Well, you should. 439 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:54,534 I'm being really sensitive and understanding and all that crap. 440 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,303 Now, how about another game? 441 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:59,439 All right. 442 00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:00,440 (sighs) 443 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:01,941 I got to tell you. 444 00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:05,144 I'm kind of relieved to find out I'm not the problem. 445 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,513 Neither of us is the problem. 446 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,181 It's just that I have feelings. 447 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,750 Okay, for me, that would be a problem. 448 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:14,053 You do realize that Jake just snuck out of the house. 449 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:14,854 Well, he's grounded. 450 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,489 How else is he gonna leave? 451 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,633 Hey, how about the winner of the next hand gets 452 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:30,136 to be sexually satisfied without any guilt or reciprocity? 453 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,771 You have a good hand, don't you? 454 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,306 No, not at all. 455 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,007 All right, it's a bet. 456 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:38,211 Gin. 457 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,413 * Men. 458 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,251 CHELSEA: Gaa! 459 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,386 (sighs) 460 00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:52,392 Okay, I got to ask. 461 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:56,028 Was that a real "gaa," or a mercy "gaa"? 462 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,398 Oh, that was the real thing. 463 00:19:58,465 --> 00:19:59,198 So, it was good? 464 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:02,101 Lawn dart good. 465 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,672 You know what I think? 466 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,541 I think the fact that you shared your feelings with me, 467 00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:11,844 and I really listened, made the sex more intimate 468 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,714 and helped you overcome whatever was inhibiting you from... 469 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,683 (Chelsea snoring) 470 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,554 Well, that's just rude. 471 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,623 * Men. 472 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,395 * Men. 473 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:29,629 Morning. 474 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,331 Morning. 475 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:34,166 Hey, looks like your hair is really filling in back there. 476 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:38,338 Yeah, I think the pills are starting to work. 477 00:20:41,408 --> 00:21:13,373 What?