1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,238 * Men. * 2 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:04,805 Morning. 3 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:05,706 Oh, morning. 4 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,141 What you doing? 5 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,543 Saving a little money, so Jake is brown-baggin' it. 6 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,048 Oh, who am I kidding? 7 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:27,161 Breakfast of champions. 8 00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,630 Type Two Diabetes Division. 9 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,666 Charlie's still in bed? 10 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:33,501 Uh-huh. 11 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,002 Ow. 12 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:35,969 You all right? 13 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,605 Yeah, just a little back pain. 14 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,940 Oh, no. Uh, would you like me to take a look? 15 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:40,874 Oh, it's okay. 16 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,110 Chelsea, I'm a chiropractor. 17 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,511 This is what I do. 18 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,912 Besides, you're like family now, 19 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,448 which entitles you to my family and friends discount. 20 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:48,716 All right. 21 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:52,086 You'll actually be the first one to use it. 22 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,422 Now, I trust your insurance is up-to-date. 23 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,824 Yeah, but I don't think it covers chiropractic. 24 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,958 Oh, of course not. 25 00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,227 Big insurance will pay 26 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,162 for an 80-year-old man to get a boner, 27 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,364 but God forbid his spine is erect. 28 00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,468 Now, how long have you been dealing with this pain? 29 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,237 On and off since I'm a teenager. 30 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:12,506 Aha, so, would this be around the time you started to develop? 31 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,641 What do you mean? 32 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:17,345 Well, you know, as a woman. 33 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,313 Boobies. 34 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,481 Oh, uh, yeah. 35 00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,716 Ah. 36 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,285 I've always known that's a factor, 37 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,753 but what are you gonna do? 38 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,622 Well, I would recommend that you get two adjustments a week 39 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,691 and ultrasound massage therapy. 40 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,860 Plus, we'll work on strengthening your upper traps 41 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,929 and rhomboids so they can support the load on your pecs. 42 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:38,299 Or, in layman's terms, 43 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,768 reinforce the door that holds up the knockers. 44 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,372 You're staring at them, Alan. 45 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,708 It's okay. I'm almost a doctor. 46 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,543 Anyway, I've tried all that. 47 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,212 It didn't help. 48 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:54,748 Well, there is one other option, but it's kind of a last resort. 49 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,785 What's that? Have you considered having breast reduction surgery? 50 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,290 Something's wrong. 51 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:05,058 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 52 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,562 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 53 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:11,432 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 54 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,467 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 55 00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,836 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 56 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:19,006 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 57 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,175 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 58 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,619 * Men. * 59 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:34,555 You see, they reshape the whole breast so you can't even tell. 60 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:35,823 How long does it take to heal? 61 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,525 Well, it says just a few weeks. 62 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,228 You can keep Charlie off 'em for that long, can't you? 63 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,094 I don't know. 64 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,664 Might have to get some loaners. 65 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:44,732 Morning. 66 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,700 Morning. Morning. 67 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,001 Oh, that is not good porn. 68 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:52,440 It's not porn. 69 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,908 It's a Web site about breast reduction surgery. 70 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,311 Oh, Alan, you don't need surgery. 71 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,549 A little exercise'll firm up those man boobs. 72 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,883 Don't be silly, Charlie. 73 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,719 Alan suggested it might be a solution for my back pain. 74 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,421 Really? 75 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,557 Alan made that suggestion? 76 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,326 I just said it could help. 77 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,027 I'll tell you what helps pain. 78 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,263 Pain pills. 79 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:17,298 In fact, I saw a guy on the news 80 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:18,399 with a nail in his head, 81 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,268 and thanks to pain pills, he was laughing. 82 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,071 What about addiction? 83 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,173 That's the least of his problems. 84 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,741 He's got a nail in his head. 85 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,278 Charlie. Kidding. Kidding. 86 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:33,281 Look, I love your breasts just the way they are, 87 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,383 but if you're in pain, you have my unconditional support 88 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,751 to do whatever you have to do to feel better. 89 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,920 Really? 90 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,689 So you'd be okay with this? 91 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,524 Sweetie, come on. 92 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,092 I'm sure if you knew 93 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,928 that the weight of my penis was causing me back problems, 94 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:51,665 you'd be okay with me shaving off a few inches, right? 95 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,901 I suppose. 96 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,536 Of course, I've learned to deal with that pain, 97 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:58,272 but that's my choice. 98 00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,040 Well, thank you for being so understanding. 99 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,775 You don't have to thank me. I love you. 100 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:02,976 I love you too. 101 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,546 I'm gonna go get ready for work. 102 00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,180 I'll be up in a minute. 103 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,018 Charlie, I gotta say, I think you handled that really... 104 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,920 (shrieking) 105 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,996 Are you out of your freakin' mind? 106 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,097 My fingers! 107 00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,699 What are you doing sticking your nose 108 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,100 in my fiancée's breasts? 109 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,602 I was just trying to help. 110 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,804 Let's make one thing clear: the only acceptable 111 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,374 boob reduction in this house is you moving out. 112 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,177 Funny. Please, Charlie... 113 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,846 I make my living with my hands. 114 00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,281 Really? Somebody's paying you to masturbate? 115 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,417 (chuckling) 116 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:50,391 Also funny. 117 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,992 Don't I wish. 118 00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:53,727 Now, please stop now. 119 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,263 I am duly chastised. 120 00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,198 Not good enough. 121 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,168 You need to be punished. 122 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:01,969 What?! 123 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,904 I'm giving you a time out. 124 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:04,772 What are you talking about? 125 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:05,973 You've been very bad 126 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,776 and you need to think about what you've done. 127 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,378 Okay, fine. You want me to go to my room? 128 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,712 Not far enough. Movies? 129 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:12,780 Not long enough. 130 00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:13,914 What do you want me to do? 131 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,449 I can't afford to stay in a hotel. 132 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,786 Here. 133 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,455 That's enough for two nights in a nice hotel 134 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,891 or two months in an airport locker. 135 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:25,826 I don't want your money. 136 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:28,396 Fine. Go sleep in your car. 137 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,930 Hold on. 138 00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:34,702 I'll just take a couple of bucks for gas, that's it. 139 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,809 And meals. I have to eat. 140 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,450 Tips and incidentals. 141 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,320 * Men. * 142 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,858 That feel good? 143 00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,059 (moans softly) 144 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,061 Flavored oils. 145 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,497 This one's... 146 00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,332 apple cinnamon. 147 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:06,567 Nice. 148 00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:07,701 Want a lick? 149 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,002 No, thanks. 150 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,938 You sure? 151 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,073 Tastes kind of like oily pie. 152 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,876 I'll pass. 153 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,878 Okay, more for me. 154 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,448 You know, I appreciate this, 155 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,750 but I don't think it's going to solve my back problems. 156 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,885 Well, not right away. 157 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,687 But if we do this enough, who knows? 158 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:29,623 You might feel so much better, you'll want bigger boobs. 159 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,025 I don't think so, Charlie. 160 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,461 Fair enough. 161 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,362 I want 'em bigger, you want 'em smaller. 162 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,065 So we'll compromise and leave them just the way they are. 163 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:41,969 God, I love that we can talk these things out. 164 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,871 I made an appointment for a consultation 165 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,773 with a plastic surgeon. 166 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,274 What? 167 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,176 The more I think about it, the more I think Alan's right. 168 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,579 No-no-no, no, no. Alan's never right. 169 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:52,946 Ask anybody. 170 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,883 He's like an idiot savant without the savant part. 171 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,685 I'm hoping you'll come with me for support. 172 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,320 Hey, you can always count on me for support. 173 00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:03,457 I love you for who you are, not the size of your breasts. 174 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:06,393 Thank you. 175 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:09,597 Of course it goes both ways, you know. 176 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,132 One of these days I'm gonna need you to love me for who I am, 177 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,568 despite my old man balls. 178 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,470 "Old man balls"? 179 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,939 They get long, baby. 180 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,309 Hey, don't throw away your D-cup bras. 181 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,144 We may be able to re-purpose them. 182 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,881 * Men. * 183 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,185 (doorbell rings) 184 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:34,655 (security camera whirring) 185 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:36,824 EVELYN (over intercom): Hello? 186 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,694 Hi, Mom. 187 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,429 Oh, Alan. To what do I owe 188 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:46,066 this unannounced and inconvenient pleasure? 189 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,701 Uh, just hoping to ask for a favor. 190 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:50,337 I see. 191 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,974 Please tell me that there's 192 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:56,276 a severed head in that bag and you want me to hide it. 193 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,478 Nope, just socks and underwear. 194 00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,714 How many pair? 195 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,784 Come on, Mom, don't make me beg. 196 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,553 (sighs): All right. 197 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,621 You know where the guest room is. (lock clicks, buzzes) 198 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,857 Thank you. 199 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,059 Uh, oh, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything. 200 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:14,361 Not unless you want to talk to my gentleman friend. 201 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:18,799 I was joking, Edgar. Don't stop. 202 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,400 Good night, Alan. 203 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:22,836 Night, Mom. 204 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,608 Edgar. 205 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,744 * Men. * 206 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:45,158 Lord... 207 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,260 you've blessed me with a lot: 208 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,229 more money than I know what to do with, 209 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,498 a beautiful home, 210 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,667 and a surprisingly resilient liver. 211 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,972 You have truly given unto me with both hands. 212 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,242 Which brings me to my request. 213 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,847 Of all the gifts you've bestowed upon me, 214 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:08,949 none are a greater testament to your glory 215 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:12,519 than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. 216 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:15,022 I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine 217 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,590 so she could tote those things around, 218 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:20,193 but who am I to question your methods? 219 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,029 Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about 220 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,898 tampering with your great work, and I was just 221 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,901 hoping that you could, you know, talk to her, 222 00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,638 return her to the path of righteousness... 223 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,773 and bodaciousness. 224 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,843 Amen. 225 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,578 Oh, one more thing. 226 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,948 I'm sorry we haven't talked recently, but I had 227 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:44,952 a little crisis of faith after last year's Super Bowl. 228 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,486 Water under the bridge. 229 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,088 I got healthy on the NBA Finals. 230 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:52,860 Nice work with Kobe, by the way. 231 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,898 Looks like somebody missed their period again. 232 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,334 * Men. * 233 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,908 (scraping) 234 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,916 (tapping) 235 00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:28,295 So, uh, where's Edgar? 236 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,263 Oh, he didn't stay tonight. 237 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,232 Kind of a booty call. 238 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,635 More like a dine and dash. 239 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,742 What'd you do to piss your brother off this time? 240 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,711 Nothing. I-I just suggested 241 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:44,644 that Chelsea's back pain might benefit 242 00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:46,780 from breast reduction surgery. 243 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,082 You suggested 244 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:52,085 that Charlie's fiancée get smaller breasts? 245 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,220 Yeah. 246 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:54,221 While you're at it, 247 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,356 why not try and reinstate Prohibition? 248 00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,860 Well, anyway, Charlie and I have decided 249 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,261 to take a little break from each other, 250 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,230 so I'll only be here a couple of days. 251 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:04,865 Oh, Alan. 252 00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:07,234 I know I'm a little old to run home to mom. 253 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,136 Believe me, if I had money for a hotel, 254 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,004 I'd be there right now. 255 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,106 Well, it's nice to know that my investment 256 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,643 in chiropractor school was pesos well spent. 257 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:17,811 Hey, you know, 258 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,747 I-I think things are starting to look up. 259 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,282 I feel like I'm at a real turning point, career-wise. 260 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:25,052 You're an eternal optimist, aren't you, Alan? 261 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,253 Yes. Yes, I am. 262 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:29,356 Oh, that just breaks my heart. 263 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,061 * Men. * 264 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,695 So, we'd make an incision here... 265 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,164 (deeply inhaling) 266 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,565 (groans) And here... 267 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,869 And one more here. 268 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,005 Oh, God. 269 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:48,241 Then we would remove some fatty tissue, 270 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,510 reshape your breast and relocate the nipple. 271 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:54,114 (groaning): Oh, not the nipples. 272 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,883 I thought you were going to be supportive. 273 00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:57,450 I am being supportive. 274 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,652 I just didn't know we were going to play Mr. Potato Head 275 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,354 with our boobs. 276 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,257 They're not our boobs, they're my breasts. 277 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,926 Hey, if we were to dust 'em for prints right now, 278 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:07,861 who's suspect number one? 279 00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,999 I take it you're not entirely on board with this. 280 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,167 No, no, no, no, I'm trying. 281 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,668 I mean, I don't want her to be in pain, 282 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,304 but come on, look at those babies. 283 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,206 They're perfect. 284 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,041 The only way you could improve on 'em is 285 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,043 if you could make 'em squirt money. 286 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,879 Don't worry. 287 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,747 They'll still be perfect when I'm done, 288 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,716 except that your fiancée will be pain-free. 289 00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:32,652 Hey, hey, I'm not questioning your abilities, Doc. 290 00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,388 In fact, I've been a big fan of your work for years. 291 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,891 I mean, when you make 'em freakishly huge. 292 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:38,859 Really? 293 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,260 You know my work. 294 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,561 Oh, yeah. 295 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,196 I have an honorary lifetime membership 296 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,298 at the Pussycat Palace. 297 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,167 They named a pole after me. 298 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,970 Uh-huh. You know, maybe 299 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,404 it will help 300 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:54,607 if you get a better sense of the end result. 301 00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,243 Yeah. 302 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,278 This is Chelsea now. 303 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,918 That's about right. 304 00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,989 And this is the size I'm recommending. 305 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,423 Hmm. 306 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,125 You got the one that goes with this? 307 00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:14,094 Sure. 308 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:21,701 (gibbering) 309 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,408 Nah, what else you got? 310 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:34,181 * Men. * 311 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,016 I, uh, I made you a cup of tea. 312 00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,150 Oh, thank you, dear. 313 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,518 Whatcha doin'? 314 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:41,221 Just finishing up some escrow paperwork. 315 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:45,959 Inspector found no termite damage. 316 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,495 Sign here, sweetie, where it says "inspector." 317 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,865 Is that legal? 318 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:53,033 Oh, don't worry about it. 319 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,534 There are no termites. 320 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,070 The mold killed them. 321 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,705 Well, I guess you have to cut corners 322 00:13:58,771 --> 00:13:59,706 with the real estate market the way it is. 323 00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:02,409 True dat. 324 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,577 Initial here, here, and here. 325 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:05,812 More termite stuff? 326 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:08,015 The less you know the better, dear. 327 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,417 Listen, I was thinking when we're finished with this, 328 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,085 we'd run over to Rodeo Drive 329 00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:14,521 and do a little clothes shopping. Oh! Rodeo Drive. 330 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,923 That sounds fun. 331 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,491 Do they have a Sears or a Kmart over there? 332 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,293 Oh, don't worry about it. 333 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,428 It's my treat. 334 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,163 No, no, no, I'm a grown man. 335 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,432 I can't have my mom buying me shirts, slacks, 336 00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,567 boxer briefs and possibly dress shoes. 337 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,836 You're my son, Alan. 338 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,239 I want nothing more than to see you happy. 339 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,175 And not dressed like an unemployed lesbian. 340 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:41,814 Now, give me your thumb. 341 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,883 You've never been arrested, have you? 342 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,522 * Men. * 343 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,691 Berta, these fish sticks are great. 344 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,093 Thank you. 345 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,363 My secret is I take 'em out of the freezer. 346 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,265 Well, kudos. 347 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,371 Hey, where's my dad? 348 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,206 (sighs) 349 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:07,374 Damn it. 350 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,342 Pay up. 351 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,181 Thought for sure he'd stay oblivious until Monday. 352 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,717 Well, "obliviously," you were wrong. 353 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,755 Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute? 354 00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:23,856 What's up? 355 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,959 Let's talk upstairs. 356 00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,527 Sure. 357 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,633 Here's your cut. 358 00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,906 No, you didn't do anything wrong. 359 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,574 Oh, cool. 360 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,210 So what's up? 361 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,677 You want a quickie? 362 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:46,446 No. 363 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,748 I just got a call from the plastic surgeon 364 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,083 and they had a cancellation, 365 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,385 so they can squeeze me in tomorrow morning. 366 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,054 Tomorrow? 367 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,289 But... that's so soon. 368 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,724 Why put it off? 369 00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,993 Well, I was hoping we'd have time 370 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,029 to go away for a few days. 371 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,597 You know, one last fling, 372 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,899 just the four of us. 373 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,502 You've flung them plenty, Charlie. 374 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:12,272 Oh, come on, just give me some more time. 375 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:14,707 Time for what? Time to talk you out of this. 376 00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,276 You said you were going to support me. 377 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,111 Yeah, but when do I get my support? 378 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:19,312 What are you talking about? 379 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,114 This decision affects both of us. 380 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,515 I should get a vote. 381 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,451 You're not the one in pain. 382 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:27,520 (cries): Then why does it hurt so much? 383 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,493 Oh, you're just making it worse! 384 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,064 * Men. * 385 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,066 I love my new silk jammies, Mom. 386 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,668 It's like wearing a baby seal. 387 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,940 Well, I'm glad you like them, dear. 388 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:51,010 Oh, and I thought, tomorrow, 389 00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:53,246 I could take you to my hair stylist. 390 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,782 Get you one of those hip, new spiky looks. 391 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,517 Oh, that sounds like fun. 392 00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,186 Although I'm only two haircuts away 393 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,688 from a free one at the barber college. 394 00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,123 Oh, nonsense. 395 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,158 You deserve to be pampered a little bit. 396 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,426 I kind of do, don't I? 397 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,695 Yes, you do. 398 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:12,065 I just have to be careful not to make you too attractive. 399 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:15,968 (chuckles) I don't want to lose my fella to another gal. 400 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,737 (chortles) 401 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:20,006 Your fella. Funny. 402 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,741 Well, I'm serious. 403 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,711 You'll always be my fella. 404 00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:28,748 And I'll always be your best gal, right? 405 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:33,986 Okay. 406 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:39,192 And I've been thinking, this is a big house. 407 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:43,263 And you and I are clearly not the marrying kind, 408 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:47,567 so... why don't you just move in? 409 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:49,869 Here? 410 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,605 Sure. Why not? 411 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,375 Can't you see how you and me 412 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,076 are meant to be? 413 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:02,349 Well, we're meant to be mother and son. 414 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,751 That's a given. 415 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,853 It's how we're livin'. 416 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,857 Very clever. 417 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:17,063 Of course, there is a certain 418 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,299 financial imbalance. 419 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,368 But I'm sure that we can 420 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,503 come up with a plan that meets both of our needs. 421 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:24,804 Plan? There's a, there's a plan? 422 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,907 Of course there's a plan. 423 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:33,045 I mean, I'm a vibrant woman now, Alan, 424 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,548 but there will come a time when I won't be able 425 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:39,586 to fend for myself and I don't want to pay some stranger 426 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:43,356 to dress me and feed me and carry me to the bath, 427 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,392 soap up a wash cloth 428 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:49,061 and give me a good, thorough cleaning. 429 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,564 Thanks, Mom! I'll call you. 430 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,169 That should keep him away for a while. 431 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,137 * Men. * 432 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,375 (crying) 433 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,246 Are you sure you're gonna be okay? 434 00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,114 I'm fine. 435 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,318 Would you do me a little favor? 436 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,052 What? 437 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,854 Go like this. 438 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,925 For old time's sake. 439 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,194 NURSE: Chelsea? 440 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,730 Ready for you. Oh, God, this is it. 441 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,366 Take a deep breath, Charlie. 442 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,901 I will if you will. 443 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,538 It's still gonna be me, just a little smaller. 444 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,105 I know. 445 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,674 I guess the good news is 446 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,409 it'll draw more attention to your backside. 447 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:39,612 What? 448 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,282 You know, with your breasts smaller, 449 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,517 the eye will naturally go to your ample tush. 450 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,519 Are you saying my ass is too big? 451 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,921 No, no, no, I love your ass. 452 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:49,889 I'm just saying with smaller boobs, 453 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:50,990 more people will notice it. 454 00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,559 Are you insane? 455 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:53,893 I don't want people noticing my ass. 456 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,396 Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't kill the messenger. 457 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:57,997 It's the first law of landscaping. 458 00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,432 If you trim down the tree, the backyard looks bigger. 459 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:02,201 Am I right? 460 00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:04,103 Damn you, Charlie Harper. 461 00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,406 What? Tell the doctor I changed my mind. 462 00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:07,607 What did I say? 463 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:08,808 Where are you going? Home. 464 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,109 What about your back pain? 465 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,578 I'll live with it. Are you sure? 466 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,112 I live with you, don't I? 467 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:15,615 Come on. 468 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,217 How about that? 469 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:20,587 Thank you, Lord. 470 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:53,353 You speaketh through me.