1 00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:04,105 * Men. * 2 00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:06,607 ALAN: Not yet. Not yet. 3 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:07,541 Okay. 4 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:08,809 Wait for the traffic to clear, 5 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,678 and then turn into the left lane. 6 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,513 Not yet. Not yet. 7 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,283 Okay. Go. 8 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,717 Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. 9 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,752 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. (tires screeching) 10 00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,988 (horn honking) 11 00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:24,658 All right, good. 12 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,694 Good, well done. 13 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:28,796 Thank you. 14 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,064 What are you doing? 15 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,332 Driving. 16 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,668 Both hands-- ten and two. 17 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,504 Twelve. 18 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,838 What? 19 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:38,906 No, no, like a clock. 20 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,374 10:00 and 2:00. 21 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,177 I have no idea what you're talking about. 22 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:46,046 Put your left hand on the wheel. 23 00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:48,316 Fine. 24 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,551 You got to like that he can add ten and two. 25 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:51,719 Yeah. 26 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,821 And he did it in his head. 27 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:54,688 (music plays on radio) 28 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,023 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 29 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,425 Concentrate on the road. (turns off radio) 30 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,093 What? You listen to the radio while you drive. 31 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,228 I'm an experienced driver. 32 00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:01,562 You drive like an old woman. 33 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:03,864 An experienced old woman. 34 00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:06,267 My point is, never take your eyes off the road. 35 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,468 Hey, don't distract the kid. 36 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:08,869 He can barely crap and read at the same time. 37 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,038 I can, too! Don't look at me! 38 00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:13,307 Look at the road! Don't yell at him! Jake, look out! 39 00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,443 Look out! (horn blaring) 40 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:18,112 Will you guys just let me drive? 41 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,247 Fine, fine. 42 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:20,481 Drive. 43 00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,950 (breathing deeply) 44 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,119 So, Charlie, when's your, uh... 45 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:26,720 when's your fiancée back in town? 46 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,323 Uh... next week. 47 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:30,691 Huh. So, uh... 48 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,193 so her dad's out of the hospital? 49 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,429 Yep. They gave him his new hip and sent him home. 50 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,564 Huh. 51 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,098 So, he had a bad hip? 52 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,367 No, Alan, he has a bad tooth, 53 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,502 but he went to the wrong doctor. 54 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:42,736 You don't have to be snide. 55 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,705 You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions. 56 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,640 He didn't ask me anything. 57 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,376 Yellow light, yellow light, yellow light. Speed up. 58 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,978 Speed up, speed up, speed up! Slow down, slow down, slow down! 59 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:55,349 Okay, I've just about had it with you two. 60 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,817 Now, if you don't quit it, I'm going to turn this car around 61 00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,519 and nobody's going to the movies. 62 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,724 Man, I've always wanted to say that. 63 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,062 I have to go to the bathroom. 64 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:13,033 You should have peed when he made that left turn, like I did. 65 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,903 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 66 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,906 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 67 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,176 * Men. * 68 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,980 Oh, there's, uh... there's three over there. 69 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,082 Too far away. (groans) 70 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,751 Why don't you ever wear your glasses? Because I don't need them. 71 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,686 Oh, really? So, why did your eye doctor prescribe them? 72 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,087 It's a racket. 73 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,789 I think they print those charts blurry, 74 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,825 and then tell you it's your eyes. 75 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,060 Look, can we just sit down? 76 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,163 No, no, slide... slide over one. 77 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,932 Slide over one. I need the aisle. 78 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,934 Why do you always need the aisle? 79 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,203 Because he's got a prostate the size of an apple, 80 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,171 and he has to pee every five minutes. 81 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:52,973 There's nothing wrong with my prostate. 82 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,675 I've got a teeny bladder. It's genetic. 83 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,344 Another reason I think you were adopted. 84 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,878 Ha, ha. 85 00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:01,014 Wasn't funny when I was six, not funny now. 86 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,016 For God's sake, can't you at least wait 87 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:03,951 until the lights go down? 88 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,453 I'm hungry. 89 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,454 Deviled egg? 90 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:07,488 No. 91 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:10,724 Close the lid. 92 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,693 It smells like a box of ass. 93 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,329 I don't know why they call them deviled eggs. 94 00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:18,232 I think they're just heavenly. 95 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,770 Why can't you just sneak in candy like a normal cheapskate? 96 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,171 Way ahead of you. 97 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:27,007 Still got these left over from last Halloween. 98 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,376 Shh. 99 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,848 What the hell are you doing? 100 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,251 How am I supposed to have a rum and Coke 101 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,652 without the rum? 102 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,020 You're not supposed to bring liquor 103 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,389 into a movie theater. 104 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,857 Oh, but it's fine to bring a big box of ass? 105 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,427 CHARLIE: Where are you going? 106 00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:47,661 I'm going to sit over here. 107 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,797 But... but this is family time. 108 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,833 I like this family better. 109 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,803 Oh, damn it! 110 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,905 I have to pee. 111 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,044 Oh, great. 112 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,079 Focus! 113 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,115 Focus! 114 00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,084 Focus! 115 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,856 Another great movie choice, Alan. 116 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,090 Excuse me, but it was recommended 117 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,426 by four out of five critics 118 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,193 who were not plowed when they saw it. 119 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,995 Can we please just get some ice cream? 120 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,230 You sure we need to buy some? 121 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,733 Your dad probably has gelato in his pants. 122 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:28,669 Uh-oh. 123 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:29,837 What? Nothing. 124 00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:32,706 You know those girls? Kinda. 125 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,408 You want to go over and say hello? 126 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:35,809 Alan, don't be an idiot. 127 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,078 No teenager wants to be seen out with his father. 128 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,114 Especially when his father stinks of deviled ass eggs. 129 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,451 Yeah, but teenagers love to be seen 130 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,519 with degenerate rum-soaked uncles 131 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:49,323 who always dress like they're on line at Epcot Center. 132 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:52,660 Well, pardon me for having a personal style. 133 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,563 Will you guys please, please shut up? 134 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,597 Hi, Jake. 135 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,399 Hey. 136 00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,633 Oh. She's cute. 137 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:00,801 You guys go to school together? 138 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,336 Of course they go to school together. 139 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,372 Where else is he going to meet a girl like that? 140 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,873 ALAN: He has outside interests. He could've met her anywhere. 141 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,508 He only has two outside interests, 142 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:08,842 and I don't think he met her 143 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,944 at a taco truck or a public toilet. 144 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,813 You know what, I'm not hungry. Let's just go. 145 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:13,847 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 146 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:14,648 We're not going anywhere. 147 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,083 I want ice cream. 148 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,653 Why, you going to pour rum on it? No. 149 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,655 Crème de cacao. 150 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,257 All that drinking. You know, I feel sorry for you. 151 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,427 Don't feel sorry for me. You're the reason I drink! 152 00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:28,662 ALAN: Oh, please! If it weren't for me, 153 00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:29,830 you would've choked on your own vomit years ago. 154 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:30,731 Hey, don't flatter yourself. 155 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,500 I was vomiting 156 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,702 in my sleep long before you came into my life, 157 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:37,538 and I'll be vomiting long after you're gone. 158 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,272 MAN: Next, please. Oh, yay. 159 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,141 ALAN: Um... 160 00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:42,443 uh, I would like to sample 161 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,277 the, uh... the Passion Fruit, 162 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,113 and the Banana Brickle, 163 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,849 and-- ooh-- uh, maybe the, uh, Nutty Butter Buddy. 164 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,885 Oh, geez-- why don't you just get a double scoop of gayberry 165 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:52,886 and be done with it? 166 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,955 What... What do you want, Jake? 167 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,691 A quick, painless death. 168 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,760 Hey, what happened to those cute girls? 169 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:00,628 They left. 170 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,662 Oh, too bad. 171 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:02,830 I think the one liked you. 172 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,498 They were looking over here a lot. 173 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,966 I know. 174 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,635 Next time, take a little initiative. 175 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:11,138 Yeah. We're not always going to be here to support you. 176 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,275 * Men. * 177 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:18,245 ALAN: So, you peek over your right shoulder 178 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:22,349 and slide it into the spot. 179 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,717 Parallel parking. 180 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,453 Easy peasy. 181 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,754 Are we home? 182 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,321 We're dropping off Jake. 183 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,590 Oh. 184 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,825 I kind of got a sugar crash off that ice cream. 185 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,326 Oh, yeah, it had nothing to do 186 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,929 with the four ounces of liqueur you poured over it. 187 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,666 Better liqueur than Halloween leftovers. 188 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,968 They charge 50 cents for each topping, 189 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,970 and I had perfectly good candy corn. 190 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:44,938 Okay, bye. 191 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,139 See you next weekend. 192 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,108 Yeah, maybe. What's that mean? 193 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,243 I'll call you. 194 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,814 Okeydoke. 195 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,584 Boy, you really pissed him off. 196 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,086 I pissed him off? What about you? 197 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,187 Hey, he likes me. 198 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,022 Oh, please. Nobody likes you. 199 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,459 We only tolerate you because you have a lot of money. 200 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,860 All right, get out. 201 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:07,995 What are you talking about? 202 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,697 This is my car. Fine. 203 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:10,998 How much do you want for it? 204 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:14,434 (scoffs) Don't be ridiculous. 205 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:19,206 We talking blue book? 'Cause I just put a new tire on it. 206 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,108 * Men. * 207 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,745 * Men. * 208 00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,747 ALAN: You are a lush! 209 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:27,948 CHARLIE: You are a leech! 210 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,250 ALAN: You are a misogynist! 211 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:33,453 CHARLIE: You are a mistake! 212 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,489 You are a... 213 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,190 What are we up to? "N." 214 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,358 Thank you. 215 00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:40,227 Uh, you are a... 216 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,261 necrophiliac. 217 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,963 She was drunk, not dead. 218 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,998 I challenge. 219 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,872 Okay, fine. You're a narcissist. 220 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,574 Better. 221 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:56,777 You are a Nancy boy. 222 00:07:57,678 --> 00:08:00,447 You are old. 223 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:06,119 You are odd... 224 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,188 ...ly shaped. 225 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,757 (phone ringing) Hang on. 226 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,560 You are a parasite. 227 00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,627 Not your turn. 228 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,395 Hello. 229 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,965 Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? 230 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,967 What do you mean, what happened with Jake? 231 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,501 We had a nice weekend. 232 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:24,838 Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream. 233 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,173 Quack, rectal, suck-wad! 234 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,509 I never got my "P." 235 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,079 All you do is pee. 236 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,547 What? What? Uh, n-nothing. 237 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,982 Little... little word game. You know, 238 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,116 exercise the brain. Twit! 239 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,551 Turd burglar! 240 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,989 Judith, I-I-I don't know what Jake's problem is. 241 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,124 We had a terrific weekend. 242 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,659 Huh. 243 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,228 Jake says he doesn't want to come here anymore. 244 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,063 Really? Why? 245 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,899 I don't know. 246 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,601 Did he say why? 247 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,703 Charlie and I don't bicker. 248 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,973 I mean, no more than any other couple. 249 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,077 Of guys. 250 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,913 Right? 251 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:06,880 Right. 252 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:07,514 Oh, oh, oh! 253 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,582 You are a eunuch. 254 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,650 (sighs) 255 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,852 That's "E," not "U." 256 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,486 Learn to spell. Useless! 257 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,424 Look, I don't know what to tell you. 258 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,259 He's a teenager-- he'll get over it. 259 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,161 Okay. Okay. 260 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,529 Bye-bye. 261 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,864 Well, I hope you're happy. 262 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,366 I haven't been happy in seven years. 263 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,068 For your information, I will not 264 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:29,837 have been here seven years until next fall. 265 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,972 Oh, good to know. 266 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:33,607 Circle the date on the calendar 267 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,375 so I'll know when to hang myself. 268 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,744 Ha, ha. Funny. 269 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,078 It-it's because of you Jake doesn't want 270 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:40,047 to come here anymore. Great. 271 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,683 Tell me what I did so I can do it to you. 272 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:43,951 (sighs) 273 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,986 God, you are such a... 274 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,220 What are we up to? "V." 275 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,856 Varmint! 276 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,457 You are a varmint. 277 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,425 Yeah, well... 278 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,394 you are a vagina. 279 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,933 You're calling me a vagina? 280 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,101 No, no, no, no, no. 281 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,469 No, that's too good for you. 282 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,539 What you are is... 283 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,642 vagina adjacent. 284 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,511 You know, for some women, 285 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:14,715 this could be considered a hostile work environment. 286 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,753 * Men. * 287 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,190 Hey. 288 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,726 Isn't it past your bedtime? 289 00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:30,030 I don't like to go to sleep angry. 290 00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,832 Try drinking more. 291 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,768 What will that solve? 292 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,636 Sobriety. 293 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,040 We need to talk. 294 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,208 Oh, good. 295 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,177 I was so worried we weren't going to talk. 296 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,714 I've been thinking. 297 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,248 Maybe Jake not wanting to hang out here 298 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,616 does have something to do with us. 299 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,184 I mean, we have been fighting a lot lately. 300 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,753 So? 301 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,621 So, don't you want him to feel comfortable here? 302 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:55,856 He farts at the dinner table. 303 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,258 How much more comfortable do we want him? 304 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:01,128 Charlie, if you and I don't figure out a way to get along, 305 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,063 there's a chance we might not see him anymore. 306 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:06,066 And the downside is...? 307 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,435 Come on, tough guy, you know you love him. 308 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,970 Why don't you just admit it? 309 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,038 Okay, I love him. 310 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,506 Now go to your room and masturbate. 311 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,646 Already did, still can't sleep. 312 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:28,655 My point is, we have to work out our differences 313 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,891 for the sake of the child. 314 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,294 Are you out of your mind? 315 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,662 I mean, if it weren't for Jake, 316 00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,197 we could just shake hands and walk away. 317 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:40,300 After what you've been doing, there'll be no shaking of hands. 318 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:43,871 I keep Purell in my nightstand. 319 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:46,673 I'm not an animal. 320 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,310 Where is this going, Alan? 321 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,880 Well, I am glad you asked. 322 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,983 A Blueprint for Love? 323 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,651 It's a workbook Judith and I got in couples counseling. 324 00:11:58,718 --> 00:11:59,887 But the principles can be applied 325 00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,654 to any two human beings in a relationship. 326 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,323 I see. 327 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:06,459 So you did this right before she kicked your ass out 328 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,895 and took everything you own? 329 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,063 The principles are sound. 330 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,399 Judith is an unreasonable bitch. 331 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:17,871 Now, okay, uh, the, um, the first exercise-- 332 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,907 "Building a Foundation of Trust." 333 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,776 So, we each say three things we admire about the other. 334 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,144 Uh, I will go first. Um... 335 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:26,980 I admire your sense of humor, 336 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:29,149 uh, your generosity 337 00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,351 and your devil-may-care attitude. 338 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,353 Thank you. 339 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,289 Now, your turn-- three things you admire about me. 340 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,495 Three? Really? 341 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,800 All right, uh... 342 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,369 I like that you think I'm funny. 343 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,170 (laughs) 344 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,738 Good one. 345 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,206 Still counts, right? 346 00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,343 Sure. 347 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:57,610 Two to go. 348 00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,146 What did Judith put? 349 00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:02,115 No cheating. 350 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:02,850 Okay. 351 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,451 Uh... 352 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,786 you love your kid, which can't be easy. 353 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,725 And... 354 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,063 you disinfect your hands after you masturbate. 355 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,102 Thank you. 356 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,837 Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it? 357 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,705 Okay, next. 358 00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,507 There's more? 359 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:28,909 Have we healed our relationship, Charlie? 360 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:32,012 I'm good. 361 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,747 Okay: "Three things you would change about your partner, 362 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,984 and three things you would change about yourself." 363 00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:38,185 This time you start. 364 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:42,222 Why would I want to change anything about myself? 365 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:43,356 You're kidding, right? 366 00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:44,858 You think you're perfect? 367 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:46,994 In my way. 368 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,495 Oh, so you have no flaws? 369 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:51,865 Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. 370 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,002 Or the butterfly. 371 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,269 All of God's creatures are perfect 372 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,106 just the way he made them. 373 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:03,043 Except you. You suck. 374 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,844 Okay. Okay, fine. 375 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:07,247 Name three things you would change about me. 376 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,482 Your personality, 377 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,919 your wardrobe and your address. 378 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:20,827 Thank you. 379 00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,495 Your voice, 380 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,831 your face, and again, your address. 381 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,434 All right... (anxious laugh) All right. 382 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,569 Your haircut, your fruity little workbook 383 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:30,971 and your address. 384 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:34,707 Just... Just needed three. 385 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,144 Oh, come on, we're healing. 386 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,979 Your cheapness, 387 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,614 your smug arrogance and your address. 388 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,951 I'm leaving. 389 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,721 Hey, this thing really works! 390 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,127 * Men. * 391 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:58,131 The way you chew your food, 392 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:01,034 the hair in your ears and your address. 393 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:04,204 That stopped being funny a week ago. 394 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:05,973 Judges? 395 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:07,607 Still funny. 396 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,244 So where's the kid this weekend? 397 00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,113 He's not coming, thanks to my brother. 398 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,448 Thank you, Charlie. 399 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,352 Sure, lay it all on me. 400 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,853 Nothing's ever your fault. 401 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,523 Hey, at least I was willing to work on our problems. 402 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,592 What, that stupid Blueprint for Love? 403 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,260 That was just an excuse to try to change me. 404 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,296 You knew who I was when you moved in here. 405 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,897 That doesn't mean you can't grow. 406 00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:31,931 Why can't you grow? 407 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,133 Because you hold me back! 408 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,801 Stop it! 409 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:38,138 Can't you see you're tearing this family apart?! 410 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,212 Hah! What a couple of 'mos. 411 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:49,349 Look, can we at least establish some ground rules 412 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,584 about how we treat each other in front of Jake? 413 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,386 Like what? 414 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,655 Like we agree that if there's something's bothering us, 415 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,424 we wait and discuss it privately. Fine. 416 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,059 And no name-calling. Done. 417 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,027 And the sarcasm. 418 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,228 While you and I know 419 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,962 that our good-natured ribbing is all in fun, 420 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,831 Jake might perceive it as hostile. 421 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:05,398 I hate you. 422 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,234 Exactly. 423 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,802 If Jake heard you say that, he'd think you really meant it. 424 00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,804 I do mean it. I hate you. 425 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:12,639 Funny. One of those things 426 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,007 I admire about you. 427 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,775 Now, come on, we'll get dressed and go talk to Jake. 428 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,077 You know, I just thought 429 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,545 of another thing I'd change about you. 430 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:19,946 Oh, yeah? What's that? 431 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,149 Your inability to accept my hatred. 432 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,285 And your address! 433 00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,122 * Men. * 434 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:31,958 Hey. 435 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,793 He still says he doesn't want to spend the weekend with you two. 436 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:34,994 You heard her, Al. Let's go. 437 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,263 Oh, stop it. 438 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,730 I'm serious. We don't need him. 439 00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:40,567 I can pick my nose and wipe it on your car seat. 440 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:41,368 We'll talk to him. 441 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,669 Where is he? In his room. 442 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:45,638 Let me ask you something. 443 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,241 How did you convince Alan you hated him? 444 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,077 What? He won't believe me. 445 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,544 ALAN: Charlie! 446 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,181 It's not like I can withhold sex, like you did. 447 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:56,116 If you think of anything, text me. 448 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:58,151 (scoffs) 449 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,353 (strumming and tuning guitar) 450 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,590 Wow. 451 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:05,758 You are getting pretty good. 452 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:08,628 I'm just tuning it. 453 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:13,500 Well, tune on, broheim. 454 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,001 What are you doing here? 455 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,436 Okay, first of all, 456 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:19,306 your uncle and I would like to apologize 457 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,440 for our behavior last week. 458 00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:21,808 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 459 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,511 I've got nothing to apologize for. 460 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:25,445 Oh, really? So you've been just perfect 461 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,646 through this whole thing? 462 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:29,549 What can I tell you? I'm a hummingbird. 463 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,717 Shut up, Charlie. 464 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,919 I hate you, and you were adopted. 465 00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,725 Your uncle and I understand 466 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,660 that we might have made you uncomfortable, 467 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,163 and we want you to know 468 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,798 that we're going to make a real effort to change. 469 00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,667 When are you planning to start? 470 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,668 Right now. 471 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,603 Right, Charlie? Yeah, sure. 472 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,605 So, you guys will stop fighting so much? ALAN: Yes. 473 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,607 Uh-huh. And you won't embarrass me in public anymore? 474 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,443 When did we embarrass you in public? 475 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,478 Oh, come on, you embarrass him constantly. 476 00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:01,514 Uh, you don't? Hey, I'm the colorful uncle. 477 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,216 One day, he'll be telling his kids all kinds 478 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,551 of funny stories about me. 479 00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,952 He'll be telling stories about me, too. 480 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,987 Yeah, to his court-appointed psychiatrist. 481 00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:11,858 You know, you have got a cruel streak that is just ugly. 482 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,326 You want to know what's just ugly? 483 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,794 The schmuck who lives in my guest room. 484 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,430 At least I am not an aging pretty boy 485 00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:20,066 desperately clinging on to the last dregs of his youth. 486 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,235 What are you saying, I'm losing my looks? 487 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,804 Oh, now you're worried. 488 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,573 Let me tell you something, pal. 489 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,040 Looks is all you've ever had. 490 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,110 No heart, no soul, no depth of character whatsoever. 491 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,479 Come on, be honest. 492 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:33,813 Which would you rather have? 493 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,349 My looks or those other three things? 494 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,018 You know what? Bite me! 495 00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:41,488 I can't believe you actually bit me. 496 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,423 Wait, wait! 497 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,857 I thought you were going to talk to him. 498 00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,059 We did. He's still kind of upset with us. 499 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,060 You know teenagers. 500 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,629 You just can't reason with them. 501 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,599 Oh, really? Wait right here. 502 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,001 JUDITH: I don't give a damn! 503 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,604 Weekends are the only peace I get around here! 504 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,539 They're both losers! 505 00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,840 Deal with it! 506 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:04,811 Now get your ass up and go with your father! 507 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,515 I'm driving. 508 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:09,682 I call shotgun. 509 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,451 Shotgun? What are you, a child? 510 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,253 Me a child? You just bit me! 511 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,787 (engine revving) 512 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,656 Hey, and don't rev it! You're wasting gas! 513 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:17,624 (engine revving) 514 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:18,558 Hey! Hey! 515 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,460 Hey, come back here! 516 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:21,628 Was he waving, 517 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,796 or did he just give us the finger? 518 00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:25,765 Both hands on the wheel! 519 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,100 10:00 and 2:00! 520 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,702 * Men. * 521 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,611 * Men. * 522 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,682 (grunts) 523 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,884 Okay. Okay. 524 00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:50,089 That completes the "How to Disagree in a Loving Way" section. 525 00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:53,192 (slurred): I think we did very well. 526 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:55,462 I disagree... 527 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,564 but in a loving way. 528 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,133 Okay, okay, next. 529 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,836 Um... things we have in common. 530 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:04,737 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 531 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,673 Charlie. 532 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,140 Same last name. Same last name. 533 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:11,278 Oh! Very nice, very nice. 534 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:12,345 Drink? 535 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,814 Uh, yes, I am. 536 00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,521 (grunts) 537 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,091 Okay, things we have in common, things we have in common. 538 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,192 Uh... Mom! 539 00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:26,993 We both have the same mother. 540 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,295 No, no, no, no, no, no. 541 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,529 You're adopted. 542 00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:33,466 Oh, right, right, right. 543 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:34,901 Okay, let's see, let's see. 544 00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,603 Uh, what do we have in common? 545 00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:39,138 Uh... Oh, oh, oh! Uh, here's one. 546 00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:41,641 Um, we both feel unworthy of love 547 00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,444 and battle homosexual panic. 548 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,186 Maybe that's just me. 549 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,188 Maybe. 550 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,223 Mmm. 551 00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,526 Okay, okay, here's one, here's one. 552 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,561 Uh, we both love Jake. 553 00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:02,829 Oh, Jake. 554 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,096 Mmm. 555 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,865 Yeah, I love him. 556 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,801 Where is the little fartmeister? 557 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,537 I think he's sleeping. 558 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,373 Oh, he needs to know we love him. 559 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,308 You're right. You're right. 560 00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:16,976 We don't tell him enough. 561 00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,513 Come on, let's go wake him up and tell him we love him. 562 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:24,884 Mmm, good idea, good idea. 563 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:29,856 Jake! Guess who loves you!