1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,072 ANNOUNCER: Call now. Operators are standing by. 2 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,206 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 3 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,174 What are you doing? 4 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,641 I'm calling them. 5 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:10,044 Don't you want to be able to scramble an egg 6 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,779 while it's still in the shell? 7 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,150 Okay... 8 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:19,253 new rule-- you can't drink while we watch cable television. 9 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,289 You won't say that when you get 10 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,058 a blanket with sleeves for Christmas. 11 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,264 Hi, Jake. 12 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,133 Hmm. 13 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,502 Can I offer you 14 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,070 some fruit and cheese? 15 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,605 You can, but I won't eat it. 16 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,174 Okay. 17 00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:41,342 So what's new? 18 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,776 How's your girlfriend? 19 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,113 That's kind of personal, isn't it? 20 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:47,648 Sorry. I'm just curious. 21 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,717 Why, you writing a book? 22 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:55,423 Yeah, it's called The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass. 23 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,158 Whatever. 24 00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,759 Oh, no, don't go. 25 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,461 We so enjoy your company. 26 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,765 Did I do something wrong? 27 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,435 Yeah, you anthropomorphized him. 28 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,237 What? 29 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,404 It means treating something 30 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,540 that's not human as if it is. 31 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,676 You know, like you do with your cat. 32 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:18,212 Which frankly, makes more sense. 33 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,181 I'm starting to think Jake resents me. 34 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:22,250 See? You're still doing it. 35 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,385 Look, you can't take it personal. 36 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,819 He's a teenager. 37 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,122 You know, that awkward stage between junior high 38 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,790 and methadone clinic. 39 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,326 I just want to get to know him better. 40 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,694 I already know him. 41 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,129 Trust me, you're not missing anything. 42 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,498 Come on, there's got to be something 43 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,133 underneath that sullen exterior. 44 00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:42,470 Yeah, a "D" student with a perpetual boner. 45 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,674 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 46 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,177 Ginzu knives. 47 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,844 * Men. 48 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,615 Kind of like high school, huh? 49 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,884 I never did this in high school. 50 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,719 Really? Sex in a car? 51 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,120 You're kind of built for it. 52 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,559 Oh, what the heck is this? 53 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,695 Oh, Jake's retainer. 54 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,463 He lost this years ago. 55 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,765 This cost me like, $500. 56 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,934 Anyway... 57 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,504 No, this is not working for me. 58 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:17,605 Want another wine cooler? 59 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,507 No, I want to be in a real bed. 60 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,774 Well, what do you want me to do? 61 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:21,775 You won't stay at Charlie's. 62 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,677 How can I go back there 63 00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,179 after his fiancee called me a tramp? 64 00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:26,380 Oh, come on, she didn't mean it. 65 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,881 That was just heat of the moment 66 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,417 when she found out you'd slept with Charlie. 67 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,252 It doesn't bother you, does it? 68 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,187 Well, yeah, yeah, a bit, you know, 69 00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,488 but beggars can't be choosers. 70 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:38,226 And I love you. 71 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,296 No, not here. 72 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,897 Well, then where? 73 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,933 I'd be more than happy to go back to your place 74 00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,202 if you could just get past that little incident with your mother. 75 00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,337 Little incident? 76 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,405 I caught you in bed with her! 77 00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:54,608 Boy, you are just going to keep harping on that, aren't you? 78 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,710 Why don't we just got to a hotel? 79 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:59,747 Uh, well, we could, but wouldn't that feel kind of cheap? 80 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,782 I'll tell you what feels kind of cheap-- you. 81 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:02,850 What are you doing? 82 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,485 I'm getting out of here. 83 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,786 What-what, you're gonna walk home? 84 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,321 Well, it's not far, Alan. 85 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:09,223 You didn't want to waste the gas, remember? 86 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,792 Pardon me for being green. 87 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:12,926 Good-bye. 88 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,362 Oh, come on, Melissa! 89 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,629 Let's not ruin a beautiful evening! 90 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,799 I already broke the seal on the condom! 91 00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,302 All right, all right. 92 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:23,003 All right, you win, you win. 93 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,638 I'll take you to a cheap motel. 94 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:29,710 (siren blaring) 95 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,945 Oh, great. POLICE OFFICER: Stand up 96 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:34,315 and put your hands behind your head. 97 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:35,983 Uh, I can explain this. 98 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,918 Hands behind your head! 99 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:42,022 This is not what it looks like. 100 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,724 I-I-I was just chasing this girl 101 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,626 who jumped out of my car. 102 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:48,796 Oh... 103 00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,765 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 104 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:55,336 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 105 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:58,038 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 106 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,940 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 107 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,743 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 108 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,913 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 109 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:10,451 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 110 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,328 (playing "Smoke on the Water") 111 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,467 (knocking at door) 112 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:29,737 You got a minute? 113 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,539 I'm practicing. 114 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,608 Yeah, well, take a pause for the cause. 115 00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,043 What? 116 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,611 Take five. 117 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:38,779 Five what? 118 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,449 Just shut up and listen to me! 119 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,519 You have a problem with Chelsea? 120 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,654 No. 121 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:47,921 So what's with the attitude? 122 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,823 What attitude? 123 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,526 I just don't consider fruit and cheese an acceptable snack. 124 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,628 I don't care. You were rude. 125 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,863 Kettle corn-- that's a snack. 126 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,731 That's not the point. 127 00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:00,601 Nachos-- that's a proper use of cheese. 128 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,835 All right, all right, listen to me. 129 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,504 You're hurting Chelsea's feelings 130 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,006 and I need you to make an effort to be nicer to her. 131 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,641 Hey, it's not my problem 132 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:08,942 if your girlfriend's oversensitive. 133 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,512 Yeah, it kind of is. 134 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:14,515 If you guys can't get along, then one of you has got to go. 135 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,949 And guess who that's going to be? 136 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,785 Why? Just 'cause you sleep with her? 137 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,788 Good for you. Why do people think you're stupid? 138 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,056 'Cause of my grades. 139 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,025 Actually, I'm an underachiever. 140 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,764 Just be nice to Chelsea, all right? 141 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:31,865 Fine. 142 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:37,505 (playing hard rock riff) 143 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,479 (door closes) 144 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,382 Well, that was uncalled for. 145 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:53,521 Just F.Y.I., your son's a moron. 146 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,656 No, he's an underachiever. 147 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,724 Where have you been? 148 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:57,858 Had a date with Melissa. 149 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:58,759 How'd it go? 150 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,060 She broke up with me 151 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,996 and I may have to register as a sex offender. 152 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,865 Well, as long as you had fun. 153 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,500 Charlie, do you have any idea 154 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:07,901 how difficult it is to maintain a relationship 155 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,737 when you don't have a place of your own? 156 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,973 Alan, if I didn't have a place of my own, 157 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,609 I'd be worried about more important things than a relationship. 158 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,010 Like, you know, getting a place of my own. 159 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,415 So, you're saying I'm not entitled to a relationship? 160 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:26,920 No, I'm saying if you can't afford dog food 161 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,522 you don't get a dog. 162 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:29,657 Oh, great, so I'm just supposed to be 163 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,459 alone for the rest of my life? 164 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:34,495 No, you're supposed to get your own freakin' place! 165 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:40,468 Just 'cause you keep saying it, doesn't mean it's gonna happen. 166 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,871 * Men. 167 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,540 How's the French toast, Jake? 168 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,141 It's bread dipped in eggs. 169 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,543 You can't really screw it up. 170 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,481 It's fine. 171 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,217 It's the best damn French toast 172 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,019 I've ever had in my whole freakin' life. 173 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,590 Now stop kicking me. 174 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,625 Okay, guys, I'll see you later. 175 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,193 Oh, you're working on a Sunday? 176 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,861 Well, kind of. 177 00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,731 Since my brother and I are both extremely anxious 178 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,165 for me to get my own place-- 179 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,468 me, because I'd like a sense of autonomy, 180 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,570 and him, because he's a spiteful turd-- 181 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,005 um... 182 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,574 I have found a way to earn some extra money. 183 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:23,611 Great. Put me down for three boxes of Thin Mints 184 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,078 and some Peanut Butter Sandies. 185 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,517 Ah, Girl Scout cookies? I like those Samoas. 186 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,919 I'm not selling cookies, Jake. 187 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,253 Oh... 188 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,822 Then what are you selling? 189 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,857 It better not be your liver-- I got dibs. 190 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,126 EVELYN: Hello. 191 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,094 Where is my new assistant? 192 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,964 Oh, you didn't. 193 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:44,965 Morning, all. 194 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,266 Here, darling, put this on. 195 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,001 Ooh, snazzy. Do I get to keep it? 196 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:51,171 No, but if this works out, I'll sell it to you at cost. 197 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,774 You're going to work for Mom? 198 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,643 What else am I supposed to do? 199 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,679 I don't know, some job that lets you keep your self-respect. 200 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,581 Like, you know, man whore... 201 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,751 Dog de-wormer... 202 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,054 Outhouse inspector. 203 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,889 Morning, Charlie. Hey, Mom. How are you? 204 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,625 Laxative tester, horse inseminator. 205 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,694 I'm going to work weekends with Mom selling real estate, 206 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,563 and she's going to give me a piece of the action. 207 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:19,667 No, I said having an assistant would give me a little peace 208 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,902 so I could get some action. 209 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:28,909 Well, whatever. It's a start. 210 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:29,743 Let's go. 211 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:30,978 No, dear. 212 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,179 I say, "Let's go." 213 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,647 Oh, oh, okay. 214 00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:35,215 Let's go. 215 00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,149 Stop. 216 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,618 Take my bag. 217 00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,686 Now let's go. 218 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,523 This is going to be fun. 219 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,860 Okay, I'm done. 220 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,764 He didn't say thank you. 221 00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:53,667 He's leaving the room. We should thank him. 222 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:01,474 Jake, come back in here and say thank you to Chelsea. 223 00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,848 Jake, I'm warning you. 224 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:11,952 Jake! 225 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,725 (muffled): Thank you, Chelsea. 226 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,165 Now was that so hard? 227 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,937 * Men. 228 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,271 Oh, welcome, welcome. 229 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,306 Please sign in. Take a flyer. 230 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,742 There's juice and cookies in the kitchen. 231 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,176 Thank you. 232 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,946 I know, you think you'd never use a bidet, 233 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,715 but trust me, once you do, you'll never go back 234 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,251 to just wiping. 235 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,787 Anyway, if you're not ready to buy, 236 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,856 the owners are willing to lease. 237 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:49,990 Thank you. 238 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,960 You're very welcome. 239 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,128 Thanks for coming. 240 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:58,398 Oh, the rat bastards live right across the street. 241 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:02,235 They probably just came for the free cookies. 242 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,405 Um, Mom, I have to go to the bathroom. 243 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,874 Number one or number two? 244 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,009 What difference does it make? 245 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,245 Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here. 246 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:16,116 Warm cookie smell, good-- hot poop smell, bad. 247 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,986 I'll wait. 248 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,954 You're damn right you'll wait. 249 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,423 So the people who own this live mostly in New York? 250 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,158 Oh, they have homes all over the place. 251 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,327 Probably don't even remember they have this one. 252 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,829 Hardly seems fair. 253 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,898 Want fair? Go live on a kibbutz. 254 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,866 Funny. 255 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,101 How's that work, exactly? 256 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,703 Do you have to be Jewish? 257 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:37,871 Oh, welcome, welcome. 258 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,306 Please sign in. 259 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,141 Uh, there's juice and cookies in the kitchen. 260 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,076 (muffled flatulence) 261 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,285 Loose floorboard. 262 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,254 * Men. 263 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,226 Okay, we need to talk about your kid and my fiancée. 264 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,894 I already talked to him, 265 00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,863 and he promised to stay out of her underwear drawer. 266 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,364 What? 267 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,735 Not that he ever went into it. 268 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:08,535 It's just a precaution. 269 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,739 Alan, I don't think you realize... 270 00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,340 Look, look, look, I would love to have this conversation, 271 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,374 but I've got to get to work. 272 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,009 It's 9:00 at night. 273 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,011 Tell that to our mother. People want to see a house 274 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,380 at night and she's got a date, guess who has to show the house? 275 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,050 Well, fine, at least take the rhesus monkey with you. 276 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,786 Oh yeah, nothing sells a multi-million dollar home 277 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,990 more than a 15-year-old boy with greasy hair and BO. 278 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,725 Okay, let him stand on the lawn 279 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,394 in a jockey costume, holding a lantern. 280 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,363 Look, you're the one who said I needed to get my own place. 281 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,430 This is what I got to do. 282 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,399 You don't fool me. 283 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,433 You're never leaving. 284 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,969 Never! 285 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,072 That's it. 286 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,040 I'm done trying with that kid. 287 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,279 (sighs) 288 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:55,315 When did my life turn into Leave it to Beaver? 289 00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:01,822 It was more fun when it was Leave it to Beaver. 290 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,524 Okay, numb nuts, what did you say to Chelsea? 291 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,860 Nothing. Then why is she so upset? 292 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,062 I don't know. Maybe it's her period. 293 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,164 She says it wasn't, but I don't believe her. 294 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,302 * Men. 295 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:22,976 (doorbell rings) 296 00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,377 Ah... 297 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,254 Welcome to our love nest, my tiny sparrow. 298 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,390 * Men. 299 00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,163 * Men. 300 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,332 This is unbelievable. 301 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,334 How can you afford it? 302 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,136 Well, I didn't buy it, of course. I'm renting. 303 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,804 I don't get it. 304 00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,340 Just the other day we were going to do it in your car 305 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,242 because you didn't want to shell out $59 306 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,844 for a hotel room. 307 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,412 It was $69, but, uh... 308 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,114 But this is different. I, uh... 309 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:03,817 I get a tax break on it. You know, the home office. 310 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:06,353 So, you've moved out of your brother's house? 311 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,988 Uh, well, not quite yet. 312 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,389 This is just a pied-a-terre. 313 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,991 Besides, I might flip it 314 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,826 and move up to something a little bigger. 315 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,962 But you said you're renting. 316 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,898 Yes, yes, I'm renting... 317 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,433 with-with an option to flip. 318 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,238 But let's not talk money. 319 00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,473 Let's talk love. 320 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,879 Shall we go try out the bed? 321 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:35,983 The bed? With the-- with the sheets? 322 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,284 Um... 323 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,219 Beds are so bourgeois, don't you think? 324 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,521 Ooh, Alan. The couch? 325 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:45,993 Uh, actually I was thinking right here 326 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,328 in front of the fireplace... 327 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,297 on this beach towel. 328 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,938 Come on. I was trying to be nice. 329 00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,007 By asking her if she was on her period? 330 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,409 I was taking an interest. 331 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,211 You're an idiot. 332 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,214 Why are you making it personal? I'm not making it personal. 333 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,051 Okay, here's the deal. 334 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,386 You two are going to stay in here and work this thing out 335 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,521 until you're either getting along 336 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,289 or one of you is dead. 337 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,625 FYI, she can kick your ass. 338 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,395 Have fun. 339 00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:24,231 (door closes) 340 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,634 Hey. 341 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,437 Hey. 342 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,906 So... 343 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,042 I guess you owe me an apology. 344 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,444 * Men. 345 00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:40,580 Wow. 346 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,182 (both chuckling) 347 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,651 I've never seen you so forceful and virile. 348 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,286 Oh, thank you, thank you. 349 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,088 You were wonderful, too. 350 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:51,391 You're-You're still on the towel, right? 351 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,960 You know what I think? 352 00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,128 I think finally making love in a place of our own 353 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,596 has given you more confidence. 354 00:14:56,629 --> 00:15:01,001 Well, truth be told, I do feel kind of cocky. 355 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,202 No pun intended. 356 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,237 Oh, it is so intended. 357 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:05,672 Ah. You got me. (laughing) 358 00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,307 Yes, I do. 359 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,243 (moans) 360 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,712 I want to make love to you in every room in this house. 361 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,348 I don't see any reason why not. 362 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,483 As long as we bring the towel. 363 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,154 Of course, we're going to have to wait about a half hour, 364 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,356 give my erectile medication a chance 365 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,492 to overcome my anti-depressants. 366 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,628 Complicated man, Alan Harper. 367 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:31,131 And I've got the medicine chest to prove it. 368 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,665 (laughing) 369 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,267 Whoopsie. 370 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,469 Oh, damn it! 371 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,371 Sorry. 372 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,140 Sorry doesn't get out the stain. 373 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,708 Do you have any club soda? 374 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,376 How the hell would I know? Don't rub! 375 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,012 Blot, blot, blot! 376 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,346 Stop yelling at me! 377 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,215 Just get out of the way. What is wrong with you? 378 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,217 Nothing. I just... 379 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,352 (screams): Oh, no! 380 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,954 That's your whoopsie. 381 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,191 Oh, my mother's going to kill me! 382 00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,993 What does your mother have to do with it? 383 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,229 Are you kidding? She doesn't even let me poop here! 384 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,233 * Men. 385 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,338 Hey, so, how did everything work out? 386 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:12,772 Sit down, Charlie. 387 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,574 Why? 388 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,476 Just sit. 389 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,711 Okay. 390 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,350 What's going on? 391 00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,618 We figured out what the problem is between us. 392 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,287 Well, great. What is it? 393 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,421 You. 394 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,091 Well, this ought to be good. 395 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,027 You told Jake that he should be nice to me 396 00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,528 because I was oversensitive? 397 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:39,532 Well, I don't know that I said those actual words. 398 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,269 And you called me a "D" student with a perpetual... 399 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,536 you know what. 400 00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,205 Boner. 401 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:47,074 Yeah, those were my actual words. 402 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,610 Charlie, don't you see how you're the one 403 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,279 who's been driving a wedge between us? 404 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:55,248 No, not really. 405 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,084 I told you he wouldn't get it. 406 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,420 Well, hang on a second. Hang on. 407 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,788 You're blaming me 408 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,556 because you two can't get along and now... 409 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:08,728 You're right. You're right. 410 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,398 I'm the problem. I am so sorry. 411 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,665 It won't ever happen again. 412 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,467 Thank you. Thanks. 413 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,312 "Perpetual" means "pointy," right? 414 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,217 * Men. 415 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,821 Okay, I think I got it all out. 416 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,824 You didn't have to yell. 417 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,527 I know. I'm... I'm sorry. 418 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,761 I don't know what got into me. 419 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,763 It was just an accident. 420 00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:44,697 I know. 421 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,366 You hurt my feelings. 422 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,769 Again, I am so sorry. 423 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,140 Come here. 424 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,145 (clicking tongue) 425 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,687 (door opening) 426 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,322 Now, wait till you see 427 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:12,259 the panoramic city to ocean views at night. 428 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,367 Why are we running? 429 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,269 Well, remember when I told you I rented this house? 430 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:23,870 Yeah? I lied. 431 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,205 (police siren wails) 432 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,742 Oh, no. Not again. 433 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,411 Okay. Okay. 434 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,745 Just let me do the talking. 435 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,648 Melissa? 436 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,350 POLICE OFFICER: Get down on your knees, 437 00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:40,320 and put your hands behind your head. 438 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,754 Uh, okay. Okay. 439 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:47,260 First of all, let me explain the erection. 440 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,461 * Men. 441 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,880 What's going on? 442 00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,849 Not much. 443 00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,618 Where's Jake and Chelsea? 444 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,820 They went to the movies together. 445 00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,588 Oh, how nice. 446 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:16,856 Yep. 447 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:17,824 Life is good. 448 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:20,927 Hmm. 449 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,495 So, did you sell that house? 450 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:23,896 Uh, no. 451 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,899 Actually, I'm not working for Mom anymore. 452 00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,701 You quit? 453 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,170 Yeah, let's say that. 454 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,675 And while we're at it, let's say I dumped Melissa 455 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,244 and decided she never wants to see me again 456 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:38,811 as long as she lives. 457 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,280 Okay. 458 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,515 Mm-hmm. 459 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,651 Oh, uh, hey, you know how they say 460 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,419 if you take one of those pills 461 00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:48,855 and your erection lasts for more than four hours, 462 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,390 you should call a doctor? 463 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,391 Yeah. 464 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:51,491 What time is it?